Month: March 2020

It’s hard for anything to feel normal right now. People are stuck inside as a precaution while hospitals in every corner of the globe are working to identify and treat those who are suffering from COVID-19. It’s a necessary precaution for the time being, but it can certainly still be really difficult.

There are plenty of ways that folks have stayed entertained amid this period of self-isolation. Watching old sporting events, playing video games, reading books, and getting work done from home are the sorts of things that people have turned to, but there are still ways to have virtual gatherings with others. One extremely popular example of this is DJ D-Nice’s Club Quarantine, a live-streamed set that has attracted hundreds of thousands of viewers and has featured cameos — in some form or fashion — from some of the biggest names in music and culture.

The NBA has decided to get in on the fun. The league announced that DJ D-Nice will bring Club Quarantine to its official Instagram account on Friday evening, with a set that is scheduled to go from 7-9 p.m. EST.

It’s hardly the first thing the league has done on IG to keep fans engaged while it’s on hiatus — earlier in the day on Friday, Indiana Pacers star Victor Oladipo held a concert on the account. Even beyond these sorts of musical performances, the NBA has handed the keys to its Instagram over to a number of basketball players, like Elena Delle Donne, P.J. Tucker, and Damian Lillard.

Hip-hop is moving as fast as ever. Luckily, we’re doing the work to put the best music in one place for you. This week, there were videos from Lil Mosey, Rich Brian, Joyner Lucas, Princess Nokia, as well as Casanova and Jeremih, YBN Nahmir, G-Eazy, and Offset, Mulatto, Saweetie, and Trina, Ducko McFli, Denzel Curry, and Jace, as well as YNW Melly and Juice WRLD. There were also new songs from Yo Gotti, Kevin Gates and Denzel Curry, Run The Jewels, DJ Premier, and Greg Nice, as well as Conway and Schoolboy Q. Here’s the best of the rest:

Nav — “Turks” Feat. Gunna & Travis Scott

Nav, Gunna, and Travis Scott put together an unforgettable three-man weave on Astroworld’s “Yosemite,” and now the trio is back for more. Nav released “Turks” today, a long-awaited reunion where the three men reel off a dizzying array of melodic flows over a Wheezy production.

Jeezy — Twenty/20 Pyrex Vision

Out of nowhere, Jeezy released Twenty/20 Pyrex Vision, a seven-track mixtape which shows the Snowman back in the kitchen and cookin’ up the brand of trap that made him a legend.

Mick Jenkins Songs

Mick Jenkins released a pair of tracks this week. He trades bars with Kojey Radical over gloomy piano play on “Snakes,” while “Front Street” is another strong collaboration with Kaytranda, where he celebrates that, “I done stamped up two whole passports.”

Channel Tres — “Weedman”

Channel Tres offered up his first 2020 track with “Weedman,” an ode to “going to the weed man’s spot” that’s too timely while most of the world is quarantined with cabin fever, lighting up or wishing they could.

Fivio Foreign — “Wetty”

Rising drill rapper Fivio Foreign released a video for “Wetty,” a song that had been buzzing for months in his native Brooklyn based off of a snippet he posted. He properly fed the anticipation for the single with a video that tells a sordid crime story.

Kari Faux — “While God Was Sleepin’”

Kari Faux shows off her MC chops on “While God Was Sleepin,” slithering through a sultry verse about her siren-like aura over a bouncy production.

Marlon Craft — “Mom’s Whiskey” Feat. Kota The Friend

Marlon Craft’s “Mom’s Whiskey” is as literal as it sounds. Over email, he divulged that, “I literally found a stashed bottle of my mom’s whiskey that she had hidden when I was looking for a pen. I found that beat on YouTube and it all just spilled out.” Brooklyn’s Kota The Friend matched Marlon’s reflection with his own personal verse, rhyming about the “rooftop of my hometown, where the sweet chick is my soul food.”

Sada Baby — “Outside” Feat. Trap Manny

Sada Baby probably has every viewer of his “Outside” video longing for the mundanity of simply being outside of their home. But luckily, his fans can listen to his energetic collaboration with Trap Manny as well as the rest of his Skuba Sada 2 project.

King Von — “Trust Issues” Feat. Yungeen Ace

Chicago’s King Von is known for his storytelling prowess, and he’s back at it again on “Trust Issues,” a melancholy chronicle about the hardships of love where Yungeen Ace exclaims, “I thought you was real, don’t know now.”

Blacc Zacc — “Carolina Narco The Movie”

South Carolina rapper offered up a gripping short film entitled “Carolina Narco The Movie” to pair with his album of the same name, noting over email that he “wanted to create this film because nobody’s been dropping movies with their projects lately.” The film chronicles a drug crew’s rocky navigation of the unforgiving drug game.

Alfred. — “Prndl/Dr. Call”

Alfred.’s One Trick Pony EP is out today. Earlier this week, the ambitious artist released a double feature for his singles directed by Connor Barret. “Prndl” is a searing stream of consciousness, while “Dr. Call” shows off producer Clwdwlkr’s dreamy production.

Rockie Fresh feat. Casey Veggies and 24Hrs — “Feelings Hurt”

It’s been a while since Casey Veggies and Rockie Fresh’s Fresh Veggies joint project, but you wouldn’t know it to hear their new song. The chemistry they show remains intact, even with the addition of 24Hrs.

Pretty Ricky — “Body”

Pretty Ricky hasn’t released a music video in years. Their video for the sultry “Body” shows that they’re still as freaky as they wanna be, romantically crooning about “sucking on that body like an infant” on the single.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Last time in the Best and Worst of NXT UK: Trent Seven helped out Flash Morgan Webster and Bomber Dave Mastiff against Gallus, but it wasn’t enough to secure a victory. If you’d like to read previous installments of the Best and Worst of NXT UK, click right here. Follow With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter if you want.

And now, the Best and Worst of NXT UK from March 26, 2020.

Best: Tag Team Storytelling

Okay yes, on one level this was Oliver Carter and Ashton Smith — the only two black guys on the roster — losing a match to the two whitest guys around, Marcel Barthel and Fabian Aichner. Importantly, however, this wasn’t a squash match. Carter and Smith are learning to work together as a cohesive tag team, and it took some effort for the often-dominant Aichner and Barthel to get the win.

Even though they lost here, Carter and Smith are starting to seem like a tag team that could matter. In fact, after this match there’s a backstage segment where they set up a match with Pretty Deadly. That’s one Carter and Smith ought to actually win, and hopefully more victories follow. Eventually they’ll make there way back around to Imperium, and after Barthel gets to be like “Vat? Ve already beat you!” they can have an even more competitive match than this one, where we won’t know who wins going in.

Best: Battle Royal Promos

Remember on those early Royal Rumble PPVs, when basically every guy on the roster got to cut a promo about how he was going to win the Royal Rumble? Even if it was some also-ran like Brutus Beefcake being like “I’m gonna CUT THROUGH the competition!” and you were like “yeah, that’s not happening,” it was still a fun opportunity to see the entire roster talk for a minute, just to remind you what a full collection of characters they had. And they would each relate whatever feud or story they had going on to the match, so it back part of like 15 different angles at once.

Anyway, NXT UK brings some of that energy to this episode, with a whole bunch of promos about next week’s 20-man Battle Royal. We get Flash Morgan Webster talking about winning the Battle Royal for his partner Mark Andrews, who’s still out of commission from last week’s backstage beating. Bomber Dave Mastiff talks about how he’ll win it because he’s the toughest guy around. Noam Dar takes a moment after his match to exclaim that he’ll win because the other 19 guys are all dafties. Gallus even discusses their Battle Royal plans over a card game in a scene that’s halfway between Reservoir Dogs and That ’70s Show. It’s all a lot of fun, is what I’m getting at.

Best: Don’t F With The Valkyrie

Nina Samuels went looking for this fight, and she gets what she deserves. As we saw last week, Nina called out Aoife Valkyrie specifically because Aoife’s the most hyped new female star, and Nina thinks she can get the attention she feels she deserves by beating the new girl. Which would be a fine plan if Nina was as good as she thinks she is, but she was never really going to beat the Valkyrie.

Of course, like a lot of things in wrestling, this story is a little bit muddled by the inevitable blurring of kayfabe and real life. Because the truth is, Nina Samuels is a veteran who probably could do more than she’s being given in NXT UK. And Aoife Valkyrie is full of potential, but she still has a lot to learn. At the end of the day, this is kind of what developmental wrestling (or maybe just wrestling) is all about: People with experience putting over the stars of tomorrow until they’re ready to become the stars of today.

And that’s fine. Nina Samuels is great at playing her “grown up theatre kid” character, and she’s probably more fun haunting the women’s undercard than she would be in the main event. And I like that they’re taking their time with Valkyrie. Keep away from Piper Niven and Kay Lee Ray until she’s really ready for a big push. It all makes sense in the long run, and this was a fun match along the way.

Worst: Everybody’s Talented

I’ll be honest, I’m still trying to see the appeal in A-Kid. I don’t have anything against him, but so far he’s just a guy who looks like eight other guys in this company (more on that in a minute), despite being from a different country than any of them. He can go in the ring, sure, but so can almost everybody on this show! WWE cherry-picked the indies in the UK and across half of Europe, so there’s no shortage of talent, despite the occasional rando in a horned mask or whatever.

Noam Dar is always great, of course, and he narrowly avoids looking like nine either guys just by growing his hair a little shaggier and shaving his face. And overall this match was good. I just don’t care about A-Kid yet, and I’m hoping that changes soon.

Best/Worst: The Kip Sabian Division

On the subject of similar-looking guys in NXT UK, the other night during Impact a friend of mine was saying (on chat of course, because we’re Social Distancing) that Kip Sabian is a little bit generic, and I said “It’s true, there’s at least five or six of him in NXT UK.” And here we are, the very next day in the main event, with an NXT Cruiserweight Championship match between the Champion, a slim dark-haired athletic guy in his early thirties, and the challenger, a slim dark-haired athletic guy in his early thirties.

I like Jordan Devlin, and I’d like to defend him against myself and say he’s not that generic, but honestly when you place him alongside the more cartoonish assholery of Noam Dar and the militaristic aggressiveness of Imperium, Devlin’s heel gimmick pretty much comes down to “full of himself and meaner than he needs to be” which isn’t exactly setting the brand on fire with originality.

Still, this is a solid match once again between two talented guys, and this is a brand where the best wrestlers are often in the main event, so you can’t really complain. Also, unless there are more episodes in the can than my research has found, next week is the last of what’s already been recorded, so it’s probably best to enjoy everything we can before we leap into the dark abyss that is the future of wrestling in the time of Coronavirus.

NXT UK Takeover: Dublin has already been postponed, which wasn’t addressed in this episode, so much as they just didn’t mention it. There was talk about what happens next week, but nothing about what comes after that. Watching NXT UK right now feels a bit like one of those Doctor Who episodes where the Doctor knows somebody’s about to be killed but he can’t tell them or stop it, for fear of messing up the timeline.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure NXT UK will be back before too awfully long. Maybe there will even be an episode in two weeks, but I have doubts. For now, let’s just look forward to next week, when twenty men meet in a Battle Royal, and Piper Niven teams up with Dani Luna to face Jinny and Kay Lee Ray. After that, well, we’ll see where we are.

Social distancing continues this weekend amid the global pandemic, and Netflix has new series ready to fill that time. If nothing here suits your sensibilities, check out our guide to What You Should Watch On Streaming Right Now.

Ozark (Netflix series) — The third season of this Jason Bateman-starring-and-directed series sets itself on fire and rises from the ashes. Yes, there will still be some Breaking Bad comparisons, whether folks agree or not, but this season is a fresh spin on the existing Ozark formula-gimmick, and it satisfyingly rises to the challenge. Marty can’t cope, and as a result, the show evolves into a more complex creature.

Uncorked (Netflix film) — A wine enthusiast Elijah (Mamoudou Athie), attempts to achieve the elite designation of “a master sommelier,” and it’s the kind of dream that greatly upsets his father, Louis (Courtney B. Vance), who would prefer that he take over the family business, a Memphis barbeque joint. The film digs into the politics of race and wine as Prentice Penny’s feature debut.

Westworld (Sunday, HBO 9:00 p.m.) — The confusion continues as the third season of this series causes folks to lash out at what they see “in the mirror.” Theories abound already, so get dive into the futuristic dystopia.

Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness (Netflix series) — This true crime series is truly stranger than fiction and serves as a welcome distraction during a weekend of self-isolation. Watch as Joe Exotic, a mulleted, gun-toting polygamist and country vocalist, uses his charismatic ways to share his passion for big cats. He’s joined, while running an Oklahoma roadside zoo, by a bizarre crew, and there’s a murder-for-hire plot afoot.

Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution (Netflix documentary) — Barack and Michelle Obama executive produced this documentary about a landmark movement (including a transformative but ramshackle summer camp for disabled teenagers) that happened down the street from Woodstock.

Agatha Christie’s The Pale Horse: Season 1 (Amazon series) — This is technically a week-old release but still fresh. Starring Rufus Sewell as the heroic Mark Easterbook, the story follows a dying woman whose last Catholic confession includes a terrible secret, and she names names. Following the priest’s mysterious death, sh*t gets realer.

Blow the Man Down (Amazon film) — This film follows two sisters (Morgan Saylor and Sophie Lowe) who are grieving their mother’s death in a Maine fishing village. They encounter a dangerous man and cover up the gruesome results while diving into the darkest secrets of Easter Cove.

Here’s the rest of this weekend’s notable programming:

Charmed (Friday, CW 8:00 p.m.) — The sisters must confront their worst fears — this probably has to do with more demons — in order to preserve the power of three.

Dynasty (Friday, CW 9:00 p.m.) — Dominique and Vanessa want to be reality stars, and Culhane signs on while Liam’s digging around for information on his baby mama.

Batwoman (Sunday, CW 8:00 p.m.) — Batwoman must confront an old villain while Alice finds herself challenged by overcoming her own limits.

Supergirl (Sunday, CW 9:00 p.m.) — Supergirl must take down Leviathan, all while Lex embarks upon a plan to grow close to Lea, and the origins of his power are revealed.

The Walking Dead (Sunday, AMC 9:00 p.m.) — Eugene’s on a journey with the group, who’s looking forward to making friends with a different civilization in the aftermath of the Hilltop fire. Good luck?

Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist (Sunday, NBC 9:00 p.m.) — A mysterious glitch with Zoey’s mojo follows bad news, but let’s hope that she can get her powers back.

Homeland (Sunday, Showtime 9:00 p.m.) — Carrie’s probably still freaking out here during the show’s final season, but here’s something significant: Wellington has made a discovery.

Black Monday (Sunday, Showtime 10:00 p.m.) — There’s a mystery afoot in Yassir and Wayne’s office, and Dawn has found herself in (another) compromising situation. Yikes.

As the coronavirus continues to spread and cities across the country have issued shelter-in-place ordinances, many find themselves isolated indoors. Musicians have responded by offering channels of entertainment to beat the boredom of quarantine. Death Cab For Cutie’s Ben Gibbard is hosting daily livestreams from the comfort of his living room. Charli XCX hosted a series of livestreams with musical guests. Now, Anderson .Paak is offering entertainment specifically for children.

Anderson .Paak announced his inaugural weekly creative series titled Paint With .Paak, in partnership with his foundation .Paak House. All ages are urged to participate in the coloring contest and .Paak will be sharing his favorite final products every day on his social media accounts. A brand new sketch goes live each Friday in the Paak House Instagram bio. Here’s the first one:

The .Paak House foundation, according to a statement, “seeks to create a ‘safe-haven; for the next generation, while cultivating alliances with like-minded non-profit organizations to generate a greater impact – TOGETHER.” The .Paak House creates a safe-haven is through community outreach, sponsored events, summer programs, and after-school programs, all leading to establishing an actual .Paak House building in an impacted community.

Read more of Uproxx’s coverage on the coronavirus here.

Some of the artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Much like legendary VH1 show Name That Video and Name That Tune before it, the contestants on Wheel of Fortune have really upped the ante these days in their impressive solves. In the past few months alone we’ve seen a puzzle get solved with just three letters, which was then bested by a two-letter solve that netted a trip to Peru.

Thursday’s episode, however, was an even more remarkable feat: a toss-up puzzle that took a single letter to solve by a man named Mark.

The puzzle read “_ ‘ _ – _ _ _ _ _ G – _ – _ _ _ _” shortly after the timing ding sounded and Mark, ever ready to pounce, rang in right away.

“I’m having a ball,” he said, before apologizing for actually getting the answer right so fast. Mark got $2,000 for the effort and won a trip to London on the day as well, but despite his impressive guessing he didn’t actually make it to the prize round. It still makes for an impressive solve video that kind of freaked a lot of people out online as sports fans search for something to watch in the wake of social distancing and a lack live sporting events.

And not to discredit Mark here, but he was getting some helpful hints from the other puzzles just before them, all which contained the word “ball.” If you assume the last word is “ball” and the first letter narrows down what you think your options are, you can jump to this conclusion fairly quickly. Below is the lead-up to the solve, which explains at least a bit why he was able to narrow it down.

Still this is, of course, the opposite of 2017’s infamous “A Streetcar Naked Desire” solve fail, which you can watch below in case you forget that incredible moment of Wheel history.

Yup, definitely did a lot better than that guy.

Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: Extremely original and hilarious idea GILLBERG debuted, Mankind provided The Rock with the soundbite that’ll cost him the WWF Championship at the Royal Rumble, and Val Venis got put in the penile morgue for trying to flirt with Ken Shamrock’s hot sister.

If you haven’t seen this episode, you can watch it on WWE Network here. Check out all the episodes of classic Raw you may have missed at the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War and Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw tag pages. Follow along with the competition here.

Hey, you! If you want us to keep doing retro reports, share them around! And be sure to drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of these shows. Head back to a time long forgotten when WWE TV was fun to watch, and things happened!

And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War for January 18, 1999.

Corporate Bail-out

This week’s primary story is one you might be familiar with in 2020: a corporation having a couple of bad weeks and handling it by completely destroying everything around them.

Two weeks ago, Stone Cold Steve Austin and D-Generation X teamed up to help Mankind upset The Rock and become WWF Champion. Last week, Stone Cold returned to help Chyna win a “Corporate Rumble” designed to humiliate D-X and give Mr. McMahon the number 30 spot in the Royal Rumble proper. Also Kane got a championship match against Mankind when The Rock had to barter for one and then Rock got him disqualified, so things are tense all over.

This week, Rock’s supposed to face Kane one-on-one in a match made by Commissioner Michaels before the darkness came, so The Corporation spends the entire episode talking down to Kane about how he needs to follow orders and calling him a “retard” over and over. The World Wrestling Federation has a real love affair with “retard” as an insult, so much so that “The Big Red Retard” became one of Kane’s recurring nicknames. It was a different time. You have to understand, 20 years ago we had no IDEA that people with intellectual disabilities were human beings.

In addition to Kane and Rock’s issue, The Corporation has been tasked with (1) hunting and presumably killing Mankind to help soften him up for the Rock at the Royal Rumble, and (2) reasserting their dominance over the roster by going violently buck wild on anyone they come across backstage. For example, here are Ken Shamrock and the Big Boss Man jumping Jeff Jarrett and Owen Hart and beating them around the head and neck with an entire hallway.

Boss Man knocks out both numbers by attacking Mankind backstage ahead of their scheduled Hardcore Championship match and throwing him into some free-standing chairs, which sets a dangerous precedent for the remainder of Mick Foley’s January. They find their way out to the ring after a few segments — this is before any 24/7 rules were attached to the Hardcore Championship, by the way, so falls still count anywhere, but you’ve got to actually like, do a match to get a “fall” going in the first place — and Mankind looks like he has it won with the dreaded Socked Fingertips In The Mouth. Unfortunately for Mick and eventually his family, The Rock shows up for the disqualification and absolutely BRAINS him in the back of the skull with a chair. Jesus Christ already, dude.

Not sure how Boss Man got disqualified in a match with no disqualifications, but I’m guessing it’s because the ref didn’t want to see that chair shot nine more times. BRB, trying to Bran Stark back in time and prevent Mankind from agreeing to any aspect of the finish at the Royal Rumble.

Meanwhile Ken Shamrock, seen here looking like the focal point of a Renaissance painting, ruins a Test vs. Bill Ass match (as much as “ruining” a match between those two is possible) and puts a broken ankle and the fear of God into Billy for mooning his sister last week. He fucks him up so bad he’s got Bill sobbing and clutching the ring steps and tapping away at them mindlessly to make the pain stop. As though “tapping out” gets you out of real life fights. Billy spends the next segment backstage on the floor while the Road Dogg squats over him like, “damn man, maybe next time don’t show your entire asshole to an MMA legend’s family to try to piss him off.”

Also I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but yes, that’s future Smackdown General Manager (player!) Teddy Long on referee duty. Long, who started as a ref in the NWA before become the manager of tag teams like Doom (featuring Ron Simmons before he was a Satanic cultist) and the Skyscrapers (featuring The Undertaker before he was dead), joined the World Wrestling Federation as a ref again in late December. I think it’s matches like this one that fostered his dedication toward keeping bouts with non-finishes going as tag team matches.

Anyway, back to The Rock and Kane. In a nice middle finger to WCW’s Fingerpoke of Doom, Mr. McMahon brings out the entire Corporation and tells fans not to get excited about a main event, because there isn’t going to be one, as Kane’s just going to do the right thing and lay down for The Rock. If not, they’re sending Kane back to the “loony bin.” Seems like someone at that institution would get curious about the wrestling promoter bringing a 7-foot tall fire demon in for treatment and start watching the weekly shows to find out what the hell’s going on, but whatever. Kane, who wants neither of these outcomes, tells McMahon to go screw with a virulent arm gesture and gets attacked from behind by EVERYBODY.

After he’s been thoroughly beaten down, nWo style, Rock orders the Corporation to the back so he can finish the match on his own. Of course this is KANE we’re talking about, a true artist when it comes to selectively no-selling, so eventually he recovers enough to fight back. The Corporation then comes BACK out, which brings out Mankind to run interference with the same steel chair Rocky used to kill roughly 15% of his functioning brain cells earlier in the night. Rock flees backwards up the ramp, which has never ended badly for anyone, and is cut off at the pass by the appearance of a wild Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin’s spent most of the show out in the parking lot drinking beers, possibly because he read the call sheet and read about the Mark Henry and Chyna segments coming up, but he wanders in at the end to make sure Foley gets more situational revenge. Foley clobbers Rock in the back with the chair — in the back, Rock — and the show goes off the air with the heroes (-ish) standing tall.

So, uh … about those Mark Henry and Chyna segments …

Worst: The Hall Of Shame

Over the past few months, the World Wrestling Federation has been trying to get Mark Henry to quit. He signed a 10-year, 10-million dollar contract back in 1996 to keep him from signing with WCW at the height of that sort of thing. Henry was a fairly accomplished weight lifter and strong man, and they thought for sure he was going to be a big deal. When he wasn’t, mostly due to a combination of inexperience and WWE rarely ever knowing how to write characters or stories for a person of color beyond “they love to have fun” or “they’re actually the racists,” they wanted out. So they turned him into “Sexual Chocolate,” had him do extended S&M bits with the Pretty Mean Sisters, and, as we’ve seen in recent weeks, paired him up with Chyna’s “friend” Sammy.

This week, we first find Chyna walking down a hallway with Henry following behind, begging her to not do what she’s about to do because his family is in attendance. That’s his mom in the above picture, by the way. We come to find out that Chyna has footage of Sammy trying to seduce Mark Henry in the locker room last week, and to make matters worse, gasp, Sammy’s actually a cross-dresser! Mark is into it and even compliments Sammy’s “tight ass” until he gets into blurred undercarriage territory, at which point he discovers Sammy’s …

Mark sells the fact that he briefly touched a penis by vomiting, and then Chyna declares she’ll never sleep with him and punches him in the balls. Henry’s mom then gently spanks him as the segment ends, and we catch up with them after the break walking down the hallway amidst more gentle hand and butt spanking. Honestly looking back on it, the stuff with Sammy’s not even as embarrassing as Mark Henry’s mom begrudgingly going along with the segment and half-assedly “spanking” her grown-ass son because someone told her it’d be funny. The complete lack of enthusiasm really sells it. Also, goddamn were the late ’90s insensitive as hell to everybody.

I’d also like to point out that the episode where Mark Henry vomits because he touched a cross-dresser’s penis and gets escorted out of the arena by his disappointed mother while being lightly bopped on the bottom opens with a video package about Martin Luther King Jr., because it’s happening on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. You can’t make this up. Sorry, did I type “can’t?” I meant wouldn’t.

The night’s not over for Chyna, though. She’s being punished for eliminating Mr. McMahon and winning the Corporate Rumble by being forced to compete in a handicap match against Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco. In case you thought this might play as an empowering look at how one strong woman could easily kick the dog shit out of two bumbling old morons, don’t worry, it’s mostly about how much fun the old morons are having touching her butt and boobs.

As a reminder, this is happening two weeks after Mick Foley won the WWF Championship in the unforgettable Raw ending that “turned the tide” in the Monday Night War. And like, sure, WCW Monday Nitro was pretty bad at this point, but it didn’t have Mean Gene throwing powder in Miss Elizabeth’s eyes so he could comically jiggle her tits against her will and then act like it was gross because he’s gay. Chyna gave them a double Testicular Claw at the start of the match, though, so I guess what’s good for the gander is good for the geese. But still, even for a guy in 1999, Vince Russo had some serious developmental and emotional disabilities as a storyteller. Anything that isn’t contingent on Rock, Austin, McMahon, and Foley ends up being way too goth or from the perspective of a middle-schooler who just found a weird old Playboy in the woods behind their house.

Sable shows up to help at one point, but gets instantly attacked and removed from the equation by Luna Vachon. It’s like ECW if it was booked on cocaine instead of poverty. Chyna kicks the Stooges’ asses after the groping and pins them, at least, so that’s something.

Speaking Of ‘Way Too Goth’

Undertaker gives Mideon his name — “Mideon” … well, “Midian,” the revised spelling comes later — and promises a second sacrifice at the Royal Rumble. He makes good on that promise by (spoiler alert) kidnapping and Satanizing a returning Mabel, turning him into “Viscera.” Mabel would start as a rapper, turn goth, and eventually become a big fat ladies man who loves to have fun to complete the triple crown of throwaway WWF gimmicks of the ’90s and 2000s.

Worst: Road Dogg And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Table

In other horned-up perverts versus goths news, Road Dogg has a hardcore match against Gangrel. Things are going pretty well until the finish, which is supposed to be Road Dogg putting Gangrel through a table with a running elbow drop off the apron. Yes, I watch Botchamania as well, go ahead and cue up ‘The View’ while you read this part.

Things start off pretty badly when Roadie drops the running elbow off the apron and the table doesn’t break. To his credit, he immediately calls an audible, runs back up onto the apron, and jumps off with what’s more or less a Boom Drop. The table only kind of breaks. He decides he’s going to save this finish or die trying, so he rushes into the ring and excitedly climbs up to the top rope. It’s at this point he starts second guessing himself, so instead of like, flying off the top turnbuckle with a Swanton Bomb or whatever, he ends up jumping off the outside of the second rope with the saddest little bunny hop you’ve ever seen:

When that STILL doesn’t completely break the table, Dogg pulls Gangrel up, moves him around a little, and Irish whips him into the one of the angled-up table halves. Nothing. It just flattens out. So he goes over AGAIN and tries to break the goddamn thing AGAIN with a vertical suplex. And that shits still doesn’t break. So having ostensibly having failed to break the table in a satisfying manner after five attempts, Road Dogg just poor Gangrel with two chair shots and pins him.

Next time Trevor Belmont wants to kill Dracula, he should try elbow dropping him through a banquet table without the metal lining removed.

Also Terrible On This Episode

I don’t know what happened this week, but WWF Creative seems to have completely forgotten how to tell a story. And I don’t mean the stories they’re telling aren’t “good” or “interesting,” I mean they’ve forgotten basic shit like who the characters are, why they’re doing anything they’re doing, and why you have to follow through with match stipulations if you make them.

For example, remember when Owen Hart accidentally “broke Dan Severn’s neck” during a match, announced his retirement from wrestling and revealed that he wasn’t actually retired, he was just using that as a smoke screen to dress up like the Blue Blazer and help Jeff Jarrett win matches? Or something? And then an angry Dan Severn spent several weeks showing up in a neck brace to try to guilt Owen about the entire thing? Yeah, it turns out Severn was actually NEVER INJURED AT ALL, and was on Owen’s side the entire time. We find out out when he’s supposed to be guest refereeing a Lion’s Den match between Steve Blackman and Owen Hart on Sunday Night Heat, dramatically removes the brace, and attacks Blackman for some reason.

On Raw, Severn low blows Blackman on purpose to get himself disqualified, and then spends the post-match trying to choke him out with a Dragon Sleeper. So like … okay? Why? Who is this for?

In a similar situation, Goldust and Al Snow have been feuding over Goldust stealing Head, so they have a “Winner Gets Head” match. Get it? Do you get it? Do you get the clever play on words? Al Snow wins, but Goldust beats him up after the match and leaves with Head anyway. So the stipulation didn’t actually matter, nobody’s going to even try to enforce it, and we just sat through the match for nothing. Goldust putting Goldust makeup on head like it’s a gift from Sting is literally the only highlight.

Finally, Vince McMahon Is Prepared For Stone Cold Steve Austin (And The Coronavirus)

Need someone to step in and help main-event your empty gym WrestleMania in the middle of a global pandemic so you don’t lose a weekend of money? Why not ask Mr. McMahon himself, seen here finishing his Royal Rumble training by beating up Dr. Tom and shit-canning some masked jobbers in an empty warehouse?

He’ll even hit you with some terrible looking Stunners, N64 video game style, which predate Stone Cold Steve Austin’s social distancing nut-shot version by over 20 years. Vince promises that at the Royal Rumble he’s going to get him some, so hopefully the Lucha House Party and Byron Saxton will be in there with him to validate this training.

Next Week:

It’s time for the Royal Rumble. It’s fun for the whole family! See you then!

In the second episode of FX’s new sitcom, Dave, a running gag turns into a masterful punchline when show star Lil Dicky is confronted with nonstop comparisons to fellow white rapper Macklemore ahead of his first performance ever. The fact that said performance is to take place at the funeral of 10-year-old boy who was a fan of both Dicky and Macklemore has already ratcheted the discomfort level to historic highs, but when that punchline lands, it’s the sitcom equivalent of the big twist at the end of Common’s “I Used To Love H.E.R.”: You see it coming, it’s almost too on-the-nose… but you can’t help but laugh your ass off. Dave is one of the best comedies on TV because with Dave finally finds the perfect outlet for his quirky comedic voice.

Dave is the brainchild of Lil Dicky, but Dave — as in Dave Burd, the name Dicky’s mom gave him — is the mastermind behind Lil Dicky. Conceived as a side door into comedy — or maybe a backdoor into rap — Lil Dicky emerged on the internet in the midst of the so-called “blog era,” when new rappers were cropping up as quickly as DatPiff could buy data to host their mixtapes. Nervous about his place in the landscape as a skinny, neurotic, Jewish, white guy, Dave conceived of Dicky as a way to confront his incongruity with preconceived notions of a rapper — as well as to confront his greatest shame, which he addresses in Episode Three of the show, “Hypospadias.”

Lil Dicky rapped in a jokey, absurdist style that allowed him to poke fun at the tropes of hip-hop — or so it seemed. He took the piss out of exaggerated stereotypes of manliness, of flossing and flexing, of being too cool to pretend that it’s not all an insecure bid for both attention and acceptance. In fact, Dicky was bald-faced in the justification for his schtick, telling HipHopDX he started rapping “simply to get attention comedically, so I could write movies, write TV shows and act.” That openess worked against him as much as for hm, despite hip-hop’s professed fondness for “keeping it real.” When he was put on the 2016 XXL Freshman cover, many in hip-hop flipped their wigs. Purists saw him as a culture-appropriating, insulting, offensive interloper. Even I called him out over the popularity of his song with Chris Brown, “Freaky Friday.” Dicky’s willingness to cast himself as an outsider seemingly left him outside looking in — until now, that is.

Along the way, Lil Dicky decided he liked rapping, but was hamstrung by the jokey persona he’d cultivated — ironically, no one would take him seriously. They did when he actually rapped though. As quiet as its kept, Dicky is one of the better technical rappers of his generation, capable of juggling complex syllable sounds, tempos, and gut-busting punchlines every bit as well as or better than his counterparts. Those peers and contemporaries slowly but surely became Lil Dicky’s friends in the business rather than competitors; over the years, Lil Dicky collaborated with respected rap vets and contemporary stars including Fetty Wap, Gunna, Rich Homie Quan, Snoop Dogg, T-Pain, Trinidad James, Trippie Redd, and Young Thug. It turned out he was a pretty nice guy on top of being a nice rapper, accumulating a celebrity contact list as extensive as any veteran Hollywood producer or agent.

So when he pitched Dave to FX’s execs as a fictionalized version of his own slow climb through the ranks of rap, he had a phone full of guest stars ready to go. Rappers like AD, Macklemore, MadeinTYO, OT Genasis, Young Thug, and YG dot each episode, emphasizing the authenticity of their encounters with Fictional Dicky (who still introduces himself as “Dave”) with bemused and bewildered expressions that often heighten those situations’ absurdity. Dave takes himself completely seriously. He knows he’s the best rapper, he knows he’s destined for stardom, and he’s charismatic, earnest, sweet, and bold enough to actually pull it off. He’s also crippingly insecure, overthinking nearly every situation with a Woody Allen-esque neuroticism that that subtly manages to pull at the seams of hip-hop’s grand charade — and expose just how silly he seems for worrying so much.

Prime example: “Hypospadias.” (You knew it was coming back. That’s what we call shooting Chekhov’s gun.) In the show’s breathtakingly funny third episode, Dave is forced to confront his insecurity about the congenital defect of the penis with which he was born (I’ll spare you the details — and the spoilers). It’s one of the primary drivers of his reason for calling himself “Lil Dicky” but it’s also one of the main driving forces holding him back. He’s so sensitive about his weird dick, he goes to great lengths to hide it even from his longtime girlfriend Ally, leading to one outrageous conversation as his rap world and real world collide. But his vulnerability and sensitivity in addressing his real-life issue in his show with warmth and empathy are part of why the show’s so good; it’s just as willing to drop the funny facade to let its characters emote and deal with serious subjects.

As I write this, I’m watching the latest episode, “Hype Man,” about Dicky’s fast-talking friend Gata (pronounced like “gator”) revealing just how fast he talks and why. It leads to a touching discussion of mental health and a truly heartwarming hug-it-out session among the show’s core quartet, then right into a side-splitting scene as the guys film their promo for an upcoming tour and use Gata’s diagnosis as an awkward-funny bit within the scene. If it sounds terribly meta, that’s probably because it is, but in a good way. It’s heady but it never gets its head stuck up its ass. That’s why it works where Dicky’s rap career always seemed a little like a cheap gimmick. This time, we’re in on the joke, and being shown just enough of the stitching holding it all together to peel back the layers ourselves.

Once you do, you realize Dicky isn’t poking fun at rap itself or even just its tropes. He’s poking fun at himself, at his inability to fit into those archetypes, and crucially, his early inability to see that he never really had to (this was, after all, a post-Eminem world). White rappers are a dime a dozen. His story sets him apart, but only in that it makes him interesting enough to draw some attention. The important thing was what he did with it. With Dave, it seems that he’s finally figured that out. And because of that, he may very well get the last laugh after all.

Dave airs Wednesdays at 10 PM on FX.

Four years after the release of ColleGrove, the hit collaboration between 2 Chainz and Lil Wayne, the rappers are ready for a follow-up. 2 Chainz has revealed that the long-awaited ColleGrove 2 is on its way, and it is coming sometime this year.

While in quarantine, 2 Chainz hopped on an Instagram live session to chat with fans about his upcoming projects and even play a few snippets of unreleased tracks. During the livestream, the rapper revealed coveted details about ColleGrove 2. “I’m also dropping ColleGrove 2 this year,” he said. “Just know that gon drop, all that secret surprise sh*t.”

Along with announcing the album 2 Chainz excited fans by previewing a collaborative track with Wayne’s hard-hitting verse. “Give my people power now we power fiends / This addiction feeling like a boxer stepping out the ring / you swing and miss, we critically thinking about the critics up in critical condition,” Weezy raps on the forthcoming track.

ColleGrove 2 has been a long time coming. Just after the first record’s release, 2 Chainz said “there’s plenty” more music from the duo while Weezy confirmed that a follow-up was “already done.” Back in 2018, 2 Chainz teased fans about the project’s release by saying he and Weezy had “another 1 on the way.”

Watch 2 Chainz’s announcement above.

Changes to the WrestleMania 36 card have been coming fast, with multiple WWE superstars reportedly in quarantine, Roman Reigns removing himself from his Universal Championship match due to coronavirus concerns, and Goldberg being given a new opponent. According to PWInsider, yet another WrestleMania title match has been changed because a performer was pulled from the show, though for reasons unrelated to COVID-19.

This week’s episode of Raw set up Andrade and Angel Garza challenging The Street Profits for the Raw Tag Team Championships at WrestleMania. However, Montez Ford and Angelo Dawkins reportedly ended up facing Garza and an NXT wrestler instead when Andrade suffered a rib injury and was not medically cleared to compete. It’s unclear how serious the injury was, especially since Raw and WrestleMania were taped within days of each other, giving the wrestlers who performed on both shows less recovery time than usual.

This may have been the second Mania match change for Andrade. According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, a match between him and Rey Mysterio for the United States Championship was in the works before Mysterio was quarantined, but that match was never announced and may not have been the concrete plan.

Challenging for the Raw tag titles would have been Andrade’s second match on a WrestleMania event after participating in the Andre the Giant Battle Royal last year.

UPDATE: Per Post Wrestling, Austin Theory will be stepping in to team with Garza against the Street Profits. Theory also competed on this week’s NXT.