Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: The Steiner Brothers have almost arrived, Crush gave a clown a “stiff warning” about making Marty Jannetty flinch with empty water buckets, and Bobby Heenan says dicks out for NARCISSUS.
If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page.
If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below. As a reminder, why can’t keep writing about stuff if you don’t click on it. We’re trying to run a wrestling jokes business over here!
Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for January 9, 1993.
Jobbers Of The Week
Getting sacrificed to the debuting Steiner Brothers this week are the Mullet Club of Butch Banks and Rock Werner. Here’s an alternate view of Rock’s massive horse hair ponytail to confirm his club membership.
On a fun note, Banks would eventually become the still hilariously named Hardcore Craig, an early-to-mid-2000s IWA Mid-South competitor dubbed the “Prince Of The Death Matches” by Ian Rotten. Not to be confused with the “Prince Of The Regular Matches,” who is either Prince Iaukea or Velveteen Dream depending on the era. I’m going to assume Craig’s love of dying during wrestling matches was developed during this encounter with the 1993 Steiner Brothers. You can read more about him on the wonderfully up-to-date HardcoreCraig.com. As for Rock, he continued wrestling until he was put out of business by the AOL/Time-Werner merger. Or, possibly, this clothesline:
Letting the Steiner Brothers wrestle WWF jobbers is like loosing two starving pitbulls on a free-range chicken farm.
Also returning this week is Red Tyler, fresh from sunbathing while wearing a ski mask. Brother looks like an inverted Donald Trump, with the stark white face and orange body. He loses the episode’s “main event” to Bam Bam Bigelow, and I’m sure there’s a joke in here somewhere about a man whose body and scalp are covered in fire destroying a guy who looks like he covered his face in a blanket to avoid a flash fire.
Top jobber honors this week go to George Petrovsky, seen here looking like he mistook his wife’s blouse for a cool leather jacket. I posted this picture on Twitter and asked people what they thought his gimmick was, and notable responses included, “Drew Magary,” “grilled cheese insult comic,” “if Kirby ate Alex Wright,” and “someone thinking about how good s’mores are after having one bite of a s’more.” My favorites were probably, “Pizza Hut reading program ambassador,” or the epic, “guy who intimidates ghosts so they stop haunting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”
As it turns out, the gimmick we were looking for was, “Russian brute.” Here’s a clip of him in the AWA a few years earlier, taking on (of all people) a young, orange-faced Red Tyler. Did Red get tired of the sun making him look like he stuck his face in somebody’s exhaust pipe?
Regardless, it’s fun to think about how back in the day there were entire wrestling promotions made up of the guys doing enhancement duties on Superstars. Give me a version of WWE 2K where I can sim a year of Barry Horowitz as the LeBron James of a company featuring Duane Gill, Barry Hardy, Dark Destiny, and The Executioners. Playing as Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock for 20 years has run its course.
Scotty Zappa is back this week as Scott Zappa, completing his “Danny from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tell his dad he wants to be called Dan now” story arc. His gimmick is either that he’s a cop undercover at a 1980s high school, or the guy who didn’t make the cut to be one of the Bill Swerski Super Fans. He steps into the ring against The Undertaker, and is so beloved by the crowd that the children convince their parents to buy them $20 foam urns to hold up and happily celebrate Scott’s impending death and cremation.
Quick aside, I think WWF’s merch team had a running bet in the early ’90s to see who could make the most inappropriate foam item and sell it to children. So far we’ve seen a foam nightstick so children can pretend to violently abuse prisoners and foam piece of lumber that says “ho” across the front, and now we’ve got foam funerary jars. What’s next, the Nasty Boys selling foam Brian Knobbs armpits?
Child Realizing The Crushing Weight Of Their Own Mortality Of The Week
Not again!
Jobbers Of The Week (Cont’d)
Finally here’s Todd Becker, who has upgraded his look from “latest graduate from the Kenny Powers Wrestling Academy” to “Charles Boyle if he was a vampire.”
Freed Savage Of The Week
Not to be confused with Kevin Arnold, who was the Fred Savage Of The Week.
Becker, seen here on the ground wearing capri pants that make him look like the carpet at a skating rink, loses to Kamala The Ugandan Giant. He doesn’t lose badly enough, apparently, so Kamala’s handlers get in the ring and start pushing Kamala around. Nothing motivates a face turn like, “the masked safari guy who stole you away from your jungle home isn’t happy about how little you understand about wrestling etiquette.” When the abuse becomes too much, Kamala’s bailed out by the Reverend Slick, who takes a punch to the face for him.
This turns out to be the most effective missionary work in WWF history, as Kamala realizes religion is the only thing that will bring him up from indentured servitude and attacks his oppressors. Seize the means of production, Kamala!
Brother’s Keeper Of The Week
Owen Hart gets one of those suspicious mid-carder sit-down interviews you just KNOW is going to end badly for him, where the only thing they can think to ask him is, “lately you’ve been a wrestler, how’s wrestling going for you?” They ask him about his brother Bret’s WWF Championship match against Razor Ramon at Royal Rumble, and somehow neither Owen nor senior fabulousness correspondent Raymond Rougeau can see 6-foot-7 man in a bright yellow vest standing just off-screen, waiting to attack.
Owen suffers the indignity of being both dressed like Grimace went to the gym and being fridged by his more important brother’s upcoming pay-per-view opponent to create drama. I’m sure no matter how many times shit like this happens, Owen will remain positive and dedicated to Bret and his family’s good name. And everyone’s leg will stay in their … leg.
Clown Nomenclature Of The Week
The mysterious clown who’s been causing UNBRIDLED CLOWNFOOLERY over the past several weeks (including tripping the Big Boss Man, getting Marty Jannetty wet, and blinding Tatanka with an errant mop) doesn’t do much this week besides spray Ray Rougeau in the eyes with a prank lapel flower — an easy prank to fall for in 1993, when everyone was still wearing oversized flowers on their lapel, especially while dressed like a goddamn circus clown — but we find out two important facts about him:
- he’s named Doink, after the noise a Tonberry makes when it finally gets close enough to stab you with a knife, and
- his greatest joy in life is putting smiles on people’s faces, WWE style, and then taking those smiles away. Also WWE style.
He will continue to pull these ghoulish, basic-ass pranks on peers and children despite last week’s STIFF WARNING from Crush, because (1) he’s literally a clown, and (2) what’s Crush gonna do about it, palm his head for a few seconds and tell him to stay in school? Come on.
Next Week Of The Week
Wait, wrong episode.
Also,
Bob Backlund? Max Moon? HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THIS, I’M NOT IN CHARGE.