In response to Michelle Obama’s speech at last week’s Democratic National Convention, The Late Show host Stephen Colbert, who gets paid to tell jokes, was unable to tell a joke. “My job is to have a joke for every time somebody says anything in public. After watching Michelle Obama’s speech, I have never been more happy to fail at my job,” he said, in awe of the former-first lady’s speech. Colbert was not speechless following the first night of the Republican National Convention, however — last night’s The Late Show could have been four hours long, and he still wouldn’t have run out of material.
Colbert called “PROUD American” Kimberly Guilfoyle, she of the Rita Repulsa-esque speech, a “vengeful banshee who will haunt your dreams.” About her relationship with California Governor Gavin Newsom, he said, “I’m guessing that was not an amicable split. But I think I know who was awarded custody of the rage, because when it came to the president’s agenda, she had some very nuanced screams.” Those screams were the “first time in my life I’ve had to turn down the volume on C-SPAN. I’m glad we already had our kids because I think if I was too close to the TV, I might have been sterilized by that.”
Colbert then moved on to Guilfoyle’s current partner, Donald Trump, Jr., who a campaign aide referred to as “the emotional center of the MAGA universe. Makes sense. He’s like a black hole in that he sucks.” Hm, maybe not your best work. Got another one? “It was his keynote address, in that he looked like he had snorted a key.” Better. Colbert also noted Trump, Jr.’s “sweaty face and wet, bloodshot eyes,” meaning he’s “either he’s high or that’s what happens when you live in the splash zone of Screamin’ Guilfoyle.”
You can watch the entire segment above.