Hard Knocks returned this week and HOT DAMN, are we doing full-contact scrimmages now? I’m glad there’s only one more week of this show — if a quarterback got grass stains on his pants I might have an actual heart attack from the excitement of it all.
Last night I had a tough TV choice between the Clippers stomping the Mavs by 30 points, a halting speech by Melania Trump about bullying or something, and Hard Knocks. Hard Knocks won that one, so kudos to HBO for clearing that extremely low bar for entertainment. I’ll be honest: I didn’t realize this show was going to be so bad this year when I pitched a column about it. I feel bad for the producers trying to make a football show with no football. Ah, 2020, the year when absolutely nothing panned out.
Elephant In The Room
Starter: The Sofi Stadium won’t have any fans this season
As bad as 2020 is, could anyone have predicted that on the very same day, the very same day, that Hard Knocks: Los Angeles would release an episode with a glowing sizzle reel dedicated to the Rams and Chargers fancy new stadium — complete with loving shots of the field, the new locker rooms, the massive video screen — those same two teams would announce that this season’s games would be played without fans? The same day! The pure sack-tapping kismet of it all! Not even Hard Knocks, which comes together infamously fast, had time to include this tidbit in the show. So instead we watched Aaron Donald and Jared Goff and others daydream about making plays in Sofi Stadium to the roar of a packed audience knowing it won’t happen this season, if ever. 2020 in a nutshell.
To be fair, the Chargers don’t have fans anyway.
Quote Of The Week
Starter: “I’m over here hittin’ blubber.” -Rams linebacker Samson Ebukam, on being tired of playing without pads.
Second: “If yo ass a turd I’mma tell ’em you’re a turd.” -Chargers coach Anthony Lynn on being honest with other coaches about personnel.
What can I say, using “turd” and “yo ass” to refer to a person in the same sentence really did it for me. Is it all about butts and poop for you?
Seventh: “Bring yo sweet and sour chicken ass home.” -Keenan Allen, to Chris Harris Jr.
The ratio of people talking about what a good trash talker Keenan Allen is to Keenan Allen actually talking trash this episode was about 10 to one. The package on the rivalry between Keenan Allen and cornerback Chris Harris Jr. culminated with Allen calling Harris (I think?) a “sweet and sour chicken ass.”
I’m still scratching my head over this one. Maybe it’s an inside joke? Was that just the edgiest burn they could show on TV? Was it like Charlie Parker, where he got called out for eating chicken one day and was “Bird” forever after? I need the annotated version of Hard Knocks.
Colorful Underdog We’re Trying To Make Happen
Starter: Juju Hughes.
Haha, this guy has a toothpick in all the time! Can you believe it? What a character!
These poor producers, they have to try to give us the inspirational underdog player to root for that we expect from this show without any actual games to go on (and, I assume, heavy monitoring from the NFL of what they’re allowed to show). Everyone’s so image and scandal conscious that now the best we can do is a guy whose shtick is an ever-present toothpick. A toothpick! Gosh! (Also, Benson Henderson would like a word.)
Second: Clay Johnston.
Speaking of gosh, if gosh was a person it’d be Rams LB Clay Johnston. There’s a yawning chasm between how invested in Clay Johnston Hard Knocks wants us to be and how interesting Clay Johnston actually is. An aw shucks coach’s son who never swears? Hard pass, guys.
If you didn’t roll your eyes hard enough at Johnston yelling “fudge!” during plays these past two weeks, this week gave us Johnston referring to Brett Favre (at whose wedding Clay’s father was the best man) as “Papa Favre.” Yeccch. I don’t think Brett Favre’s actual dick pics could make me cringe harder than the words “Papa Favre.” Papa Favre, why are these Wranglers so comfortable?
The only brief sympathy for Johnston I could muster was when his father started giving him grief over his “long hair.” That’s the long hair you can see in the screencap above, which didn’t go past his eyebrows. Some real “trim those sideburns, Mattingly!” vibes.
Third: Dont’e Deayon
Double D made a couple plays in the scrimmage this week, how about that!
Fallback Career
Starter: Chargers LB Melvin Ingram III as a rapper
Second: Rams QB Jared Goff as a member of the Village People
With the mask it actually looks like some kind of Village People burlesque.
Most Studiously Boring Veteran
Starter: Joey Bosa.
Sweet Jesus, does Joey Bosa always sound like that? Joey Bosa’s voice sounds like Ben Stein after a handful of quaaludes. If this is a strategy, to be as boring as possible in order to avoid the media scrutiny that might produce a scandal, Joey Bosa is doing an excellent job. Joey Bosa is the league MVP of boring dude cosplay.
Bombshell Of The Week
Starter: Did you know they used shaving cream and shoe polishers to rehab old footballs? As hard as the producers tried to find interesting color from the players this week I could’ve used more about the guy who puts Barbasol on the old footballs and polishes them up with a shoe polisher.
Only one more episode of this, you guys. And then we get NFL football. Maybe. Honestly don’t hold your breath at this point.