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Grandaddy’s Jason Lytle Is Exactly The Right Amount Of Successful

“I don’t want to be a fucking tragic, pathetic artist,” Jason Lytle tells me by phone from his current residence in Montrose, at the mountainous edge of Los Angeles.

And, for the record, Lytle is very much not those things. He’s on the verge of releasing a spruced-up version of what is arguably his most beloved work, 2000’s The Sophtware Slump, the second full-length released by his band Grandaddy. At the time, Grandaddy was referred to by some as America’s answer to Radiohead, which made a lot of sense considering that Lytle found much inspiration from that band as well as other indie artists of the time, like The Flaming Lips and his friend and tourmate Elliott Smith. But those kinds of comparisons fade over time, and in 2020, Grandaddy can stand on its own and claim ownership for a page of indie music history, buoyed by that release along with the two great collections that bookended it, Under The Western Freeway and Sumday.

The Sophtware Slump took elements experienced in Lytle’s hometown of Modesto, California and colored it through the lens of a world advancing exponentially. The relationship between nature and technology is central to his works, as well as how core human emotions of sadness, loneliness, and longing don’t dissipate with quick wi-fi or the latest iOS update. And the lyrical content is juxtaposed with ornate compositions that weren’t afraid to show off their homespun nature. Lytle often lets the seams show, if only to the benefit of knowing that his handmade, one-of-one craftsmanship couldn’t be made by anyone else. In short, his music sounds couture.

Grandaddy would eventually call it quits as their fourth album descended onto the world in 2006, reuniting briefly in 2012 and then more formally in 2017 for the album The Last Place, soured by the death of founding bassist Kevin Garcia the same year. It’s hard not to think of Garcia, Smith, and the many other contemporaries that have passed away over the years when Lytle reflects: “I want to have a healthy, productive life. I have too many friends who have seriously just died or committed suicide. It’s too much. And I’m trying really hard to be really healthy. A weird thing, man.”

For now, Lytle is certainly productive. In addition to the reissue, Lytle re-recorded the entirety of the album on solo piano, which he’s offering as part of a very cool vinyl set this month and on its own next year. And he’s still writing music, noting during the interview that he just got an eight-string ukulele that he’s looking forward to tuning up after our call, for work on a new solo effort that he describes as “really slow, pretty, bluegrass-kind-of music.” We spoke about the reissue, the atmosphere it was released, and the double-edged sword of nostalgia, edited and condensed below.

Tell me about the time in 2000 or 1999, when you were writing this music, what you saw in the world that you were trying to convey at that time?

Well, I remember wanting to make a really good record. I remember the whole Grandaddy thing had really kind of started firing up and our minds were kind of blown by how busy we were and how interested people were after the whole touring cycle of Under The Western Freeway, the album before it. And I just wanted to step up. I wanted to make it the most interesting, imaginative sounding record that I could. There was a lot of exciting shit going on at the time, too. The Flaming Lips were making these really amazing, cool, weird-ass, imaginative sounding records. Radiohead’s OK Computer blew my fucking mind. I was just feeding off of all that stuff.

The whole idea of making exciting, experimental records at home was becoming more of a reality with the gear and the technology. And luckily, I got really involved and excited about home recording about five years prior to that. By the time we started getting into money, we got this deal from a record label called V2 Records based out of London. It was actually an international presence, and I just felt like everything was lined up and I just started buying tons of gear. And I’m really inspired by gear, I’m really excited by equipment and just like sound and audio.

All that time of being hunkered down in Modesto, which is like this really weird place. It’s very indicative of all that sort of awkwardness that existed at the time. Primarily, I guess the example I can use is the internet age. We had entered into the internet age and some people used it wisely. Some people used it in a very idiocrasy kind of manner. And I think I was more fascinated with that. I’m a lot more at home just like sitting on a bench at the mall, watching people walk by, and quietly profiling everyone.

And I think that that was probably one of the best decisions I ever made with Grandaddy was deciding to stay in Modesto and not getting caught up in the need to keep up with some scene or keep playing at that one venue because that’s where shit’s going on. It was just like stay there and develop and develop and develop and develop, even to the point of getting weirder and then you don’t even know that you’re weird anymore. You created your own thing and you only become aware of that when you finally do go on to play shows and you find yourself hanging out with other bands, and they’re just telling you that you’re this thing. And you’re just like, well, we’re just this thing, and they’re like, no, but like, you’re this thing.

I never felt owed. It was never expected and my mind was just blown that anyone even gave a shit. It just makes you want to try even harder.

You mention the idea of expectations and I just feel like the history of Grandaddy, especially those first few albums, is characterized by expectations versus reality. And it sounds like there were high creative expectations that you guys placed on yourselves for this album. But in terms of commercial expectations or where this will take your career, did that all come afterward?

We had a really weird little period at the very beginning. One of the first labels that we got on, it almost ruined us. He was like this super skinny dude and he gave us like… Actually, I have a great story that goes along with this. It almost ruined us being on this label. He heard about us, he was like this ex-lawyer and his life was too boring, so he wanted to get into the music business. It was right around the grunge time. He was from Seattle and he’s probably literally just sitting in an office watching the grunge thing happening in Seattle and just going, my life is boring. I need to hang out with more chicks and go to more strip clubs and stuff. This sucks. I’m going to start a record label.

He did and somehow, based on his connections, he got a partner who lived down here in LA because that’s what you do. I’m cool with his partner now, but this guy that started the label was fucking evil. He gave us this small advance and somehow they came into cahoots with Don Was, the famous producer of The Rolling Stones, and others. And Don Was’ job was to come to Modesto and convince us to get on this label.

Modesto just has like the shitty little regional airport that like nobody ever flies out of. All of a sudden it’s like, Don Was is coming to Modesto. His job was to talk us into it but it’s like if Don Was is telling you to get on the label, you better get on the label. The only reason this story is even at all interesting is that my drummer had the super shitty Ford Escort that didn’t have any seats in the back. We went to pick Don Was up at the airport and we made him sit on an upside-down milk crate in the backseat. And this guy is like used to riding in limos and f*cking leased BMWs and stuff. We were just dying laughing because we’re like driving down the road, going to some bar to have this meeting with Don Was and he’s like sitting on a milk crate in the back of our friend’s shitty car, legs all tucked up under his chin.

Anyways, we made this record, Under The Western Freeway, and it did okay but they were about to drop us, or they just kind of lost interest. And then all this whole other thing started happening where I went to a show, I gave a tape to this guy named Howe Gelb from the band Giant Sand and he passed it on to his management and his management was going to start this new relationship with V2 Records. And the lady who was about to get the job at V2, she was like, ‘I will get this job, but the only reason I’m going to get this job is if you bring on this band that I found called Grandaddy.’

All of a sudden there was this label, and V2 Records was funded by Richard Branson, who’s this gazillionaire in Great Britain. And with this interest from a label that had tons of money and just as we were about to get dropped by Will Records, the dude finds out and he turns it into like this nightmare bidding war. He didn’t give a shit about us. The band almost just died. It almost killed the band. The whole thing took a year with all the lawyers. And we hadn’t even really done anything very exceptional. It was kind of a nightmare.

We got bought with some amount of money. And after that got sorted out, I was just like, I’m not placing any eggs in any basket. This is an amazing adventure but going back to the expectations thing, I have no expectations. As soon as it makes sense to step away from this, I’m ready. I’m totally fine to just like take it as it comes, but with that comes some responsibility. It’s like, you’re not always looking for an out.

Every time there’s a new opportunity, you work hard, and a lot of times, I work too hard and it was like finding that balance of how not to go too hard, but also always entertain all these new opportunities. All this shit would keep happening and I was just like, all right, cool, let’s do this. But I always felt like I was just along for the ride, but willing to do the work as well. You just keep going and keep going and keep going and keep going until it doesn’t make sense anymore, which led to me dissolving the band. But up until that point, it made sense just to keep hammering away at it.

I was living in Santa Cruz when this came out originally, which is a couple of hours from Modesto. And as I got more to know the people who I grew up in that region, in the Central Valley and stuff like that, you guys were something of local legends around those parts. When you get into smaller areas, people hold on to that idea of “the guy down the street that’s playing at the house party, that might make it out and make an impact.” For anyone who is a creative, there are stories like that and I feel like Granddaddy was kind of one of those stories for that area.

Did you ever feel like Granddaddy represented more than just your own creative ambitions, that they were kind of a voice of a region or a period in time?

Well, first off, I mean, it’s all nice and sweet to see it like that now. But have you ever heard that saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt?” If there’s a band that’s from your town and you hate living in your town, you’re just going to hate that band. They actually represent what you don’t like about being there. So people are just like, “There’s no way they can be good because they’re from here. And I hate being here and everything here sucks.” So it took a while for us to get through that. And at some point, it was actually very sweet and it was very… I love the fact that we were so highly regarded in our hometown. It got to the point where I was like, “Oh, even if you don’t like them, it’s badass, they pulled off what they pulled off.” That was cool. And it still stands to this day, whether or not you like the music or not.

I realized at a point how important it was to stay in Modesto. And there was plenty of opportunities to entertain the idea of moving somewhere else, where there was a scene… Things might be a little bit easier resource-wise. But I saw the worth in just hunkering down and developing a thing that was there, for better or for worse. And how it would be unique for better or for worse.

It literally comes down to cheap rent and just familiarity. And if you could do away with all that extraneous stuff and just focus on being creative, there’s a good chance… I mean, being poor is exhausting. So let’s just say, moving to a big city, you have some shitty dishwashing job and you’re paying all this rent to live somewhere and you’re just exhausted all the time. And you’re stressed because you have no money. And it’s just, that was less of a factor, living in Modesto. It’s cheap to rent, you know where everything is. All you have to do is just, every now and then, drive to the Bay Area and buy some more gear and come home and just hunker down and try not to be too distracted by keg parties and your idiot friends doing something down the street. I realized in the long run, the results were going to be a lot more interesting.

I need calmness. I need focus-time to come up with extraordinary results. And the only way to do that was to stay in the hometown. And then inevitably the music was going to be affected by that sort of cabin fever of just being stuck in your own hometown. A very weird hometown, too, I might add. It was always on the list of Forbes’ “worst places to live in America.” It was always making the top five for any number of reasons.

The air?

Air quality. Oh, f*ck. You name it. In order to make that top five, you have to check all these boxes. And it was car theft, it was drug-related crime, it was murder. It was the economy, it was joblessness, you name it. It was a grim, grim place. And people loved hearing those stories too, especially abroad.

The other weird thing about Modesto is how, proximity-wise, it’s also the gateway to the most beautiful places on the planet.

Yeah. I used to always use that example, too. That almost makes it worse. Everything is just almost slightly out of reach. Yes, you’re that close to Yosemite. Yes, you’re that close to San Francisco. Yes, you’re close to Napa Valley or whatever. But it’s just like, “Oh if you don’t have any money, it’s a day trip.” First off, it’s not a day trip. You have to have money for a hotel and gas. And you have to know where you’re going. And it almost makes it worse. That it’s slightly out of reach and you can never go there.

Yeah. I feel like all of these dualities, they’re always very present in the music. I mean, that’s a lot of the essence of your songwriting, nature meeting broken technology. The future that’s not quite as good as we imagined, that kind of stuff. Once this release was announced, it was kind of cool to see, personally, these group chats popping off, of my friends from back in those days. And then seeing that the music still means a lot to a certain type of indie fan of a certain age and maybe of a certain region.

And I think that nostalgia is probably harder on musicians than it is for fans. But for both, I think we have to kind of examine the good with the bad. And you have these good memories associated with the music of your past, but also you have to reconcile the bad memories and who you were versus who you are and all this stuff. As a musician, how do you deal with that? Is this all good stuff that you’re diving back into? Or is there a lot of pain in looking back, too?

I can go on forever about that, but I’ll try to distill my thoughts as succinctly as possible here. So let’s say that you have something in your life that’s just tearing you apart. And the only way to deal with it is to write it down in a journal, which lots of people do and it helps. You get it out. It’s on paper. You’re just like, “All right, it’s in physical form.” There’s something kind of cathartic about that like, “All right, I feel better.” And you just move on. You close the journal, you put it in the drawer. Maybe it didn’t fix you, but you feel a lot better.

It took me a while to figure this out, but I’m not one of those people that wants to just mindlessly beat myself up. I’m a pretty healthy person. I’m just trying to wake up and do good. I’m not trying to wake up and be tragic and fucking chain-smoke and watch black and white movies and just drink whiskey. It’s like a double-edged sword. You want to write a song that means so much.

And in a way, you’re getting that stuff out of your system by writing that song. But there’s something perverse about having to sing that song on a nightly basis. The reason that you’re writing it was to kind of fix some things or deal with some stuff or get some stuff out of your system. But who writes down in their journal all this gnarly shit just to fix themselves and then on a nightly basis, opens that journal back up, like clockwork. Your routine is to reread it again. That’s almost just like you’re asking for it. You’re not able to let the thing go, which is kind of the point, to begin with. And I was just like, “Man, it might actually be better to write all of these light fluffy songs that don’t mean shit. And then you can sing them on a nightly basis and they don’t do anything to you.” I had to start questioning the concept of playing live shows at a certain point.

My line of thinking used to be, “Make the song mean as much as it can. And then you can invest yourself in it on a nightly basis.” But I started kind of thinking that, “Man, this actually might be harming me. I might not actually be able to move past a lot of things in my life because I’m not letting these songs go. I just need to…” But that’s weird. In a way that’s saying, “All right, I’m not going to play live anymore. It’s too harmful to my psyche or whatever.” And I’m still wrestling with it. On one hand, it’s very satisfying to play a song and be transported back to the place, because you pour that much into it when you’re performing it. But on the other hand, I think it might be not allowing me to move past certain things.

You get to a certain age. I’m 38 now and at a point, you have to decide if you’re going to be one way your whole life or if you’re going to try to figure it out and be that healthy person that you need to be to make it through.

Certain ways just aren’t sustainable.

I think that’s the workaround of this collection, though, is you have this piano version of the album that makes it so it’s not just solely looking backward, and it gives the songs a new life and presents them in a new way. And so did that idea stem from those solo piano shows you’ve been doing over the last few years?

It definitely helped, and it helped my confidence a little bit. A lot of the songs I had been playing already. If I learn a song on guitar, I’ll do it on piano and I bounce back and forth. I just think it’s like knowing two languages; it just allows you to understand. If you have a conversation with somebody, it’s like, “All right, let’s do it in English. Okay, let’s do it in Russian now.” You’re going to see other things that you didn’t see with the crossover, and I think that’s a responsible, productive way of writing songs. It’s just seeing as much as you can in the writing process.

So my last thing here is, I’ve got a couple of Jason Lytle hot takes that I’m want to put on the record. “Our Dying Brains,” I think it’s the best song from this era, even though it’s not on the album. I mean, it’s going to be on the vinyl, but that song is just very near and dear to me. And then I wanted to mention that your first solo album, Yours Truly, The Commuter, I think is a remarkably strong song collection that should be spoken about in the same breath as those first three Grandaddy albums.

So the question here: is there anything about your career that you look back on that you feel is under-appreciated, that should have more shine?

I have a funny thing that I’ve said a couple of times. This is a perfect opportunity to say it again. First off, I could have never, never, ever imagined the trajectory and just how colorful this whole ride has been with Grandaddy. And for so many years, especially around the time putting out a new album, the press, there was just one fucking thing they kept saying. At first, I was like, “Eh, whatever,” then it started to get really annoying. It was “You’re on the verge of greatness. On the verge of greatness. Grandaddy, on the verge of greatness.” And then next year, next album: “On the verge of greatness. On the verge of greatness.” I was just like, “That’s so backhanded.”

But the more I meditated on that line and the idea, to be honest, my life was so insane. My life, everything was so crazy and I was dealing with way more shit that was beyond my ability to handle. If I was any more famous or any more popular or any more successful, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. I would never wish upon the whole situation to be any more than it was. I think that how it went down or how it’s still going … and it’s the only reason you’re talking to me right now. I had to shut everything down for a little while and reassess.

And now, I’m back and I’m still funny, still introspective, still a relaxed man working on things, and it’s amazing that that’s even happening right now. And the only way that could be the case is just things went the way they did, and if it was any more than what it was, then we probably wouldn’t be talking right now.

So I’m fine with how everything’s gone down and I’m super grateful and I’m just fucking stoked to be around and still excited about working on stuff, and things are sounding super cool. And at this point, my highest priority is there are legions of super faithful, appreciative Grandaddy fans, and just knowing that they exist, it’s just like, “Great. Got some more music coming out.” And that I can even be a part of that and that we can share that just blows my mind. It’s a pretty cool situation to be in.

The Sophtware Slump 20th Anniversary Collection is available November 20 via Dangerbird. Get it here.

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Adam Brody Cracked Jokes With Dax Shepard About The Awkward ‘Three-Way’ He Had With His Wife, Kristen Bell

Adam Brody recently appeared on Dax Shepard’s podcast, The Armchair Expert, where they talked about — among other things — Dax nearly replacing Steve on Blue’s Clues, their shared obsession with rocket engineer Jack Parsons, how Brody “back-doored into hunkdom” on The O.C., and working with Vince Vaughn on Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

They also talked about Brody’s work with Dax Shepard’s wife, Kristen Bell, on the Showtime series House of Lies. As Brody explains it, he played the wealthy owner of a dildo company. In fact, they filmed their scenes in an actual dildo factory (and according to Shepard, Bell brought a nice gift bag home).

On the series, Brody also filmed a “love scene” with Bell and Dax Shepard’s, uh … yeah, Bell was pregnant with their daughter.

“Kristen was like eight months pregnant at the time, or at least about as pregnant as you can be,” Brody explained. “And we have a sex scene where we break-up during [the sex scene]. She was on top of me, which is about the only way she can be. It was pretty weird because your child was on my stomach,” Brody told Shepard. “Very, truly on my stomach.”

“When I first talked to you about it,” Shepard laughed, “you described it as ‘my only three-way on camera.’”

“It very much was,” Brody confirmed, although he added that it wasn’t even the most awkward part of that sex scene. “We shoot the close-ups. The three of us [Brody, Bell, and the fetus],” Brody says, “and then for the wide shot, they bring in a 21-year-old stand-in with pasties and she has to sit on me very awkwardly, slowly gyrating for the wide shot, and we’re trying to avoid eye contact. And we’re both like, ‘Uh, hi, nice to meet you.’ It was so brutal for both of us.”

The two also wax poetic about the thankless job of playing a body double for sex scenes. “There is almost no reward,” Shepard said. Brody agreed. “You have no rapport, you don’t know them, and they’re not allowed to speak on camera. It’s just unfortunate.”

Brody can be seen in The Kid Detective in some theaters, although the film should be available on streaming formats soon. It looks surprisingly good.

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White Wines Under $30 That Will Keep You Warmer Than An Ugly Sweater

There’s this notion about white wine, that it’s best enjoyed in the summer. When it’s warm and the sun is beating down. We don’t know why this connotation exists or how it came about, but we do know that it’s not entirely true.

Yes, a zippy Italian Vermentino can be the best solution for cooling down on a scorching day in the middle of July. And sure, nothing quite beats the luxury of sitting poolside with a bottle of Chenin Blanc from South Africa. But these wines and several other white varieties are totally capable of keeping you cozy in the colder months, too. Just like the hideous sweater you wore to last year’s office holiday party.

In fact, there are bottles of Chardonnay and Viognier that can keep you as warm as chestnuts roasting on an open fire. As warm as any whiskey in America (almost).

To help get you in the mood for a few fall and winter white wines, we’ve rounded up a list of the 10 best bottles of white wine to drink right now and on the cold nights to come. The bottles listed below are all under $30, because enjoying quality wine doesn’t necessarily mean you need to break the bank. These selections are also widely available and can be found in retail shops across the country, or you can have them delivered straight to your door by clicking the linked prices.

Mas La Chevaliére Chardonnay 2019

White Horse Wines

ABV: 13%
Average Price: $16

The Wine:

2019 was an exceptional year for grapes grown in the South of France like this Chardonnay, which is produced in the Languedoc. There was little rain during the spring and summer and the temperatures were particularly hot, yet the grapes maintained good health and displayed their natural acidity during maturation—the point of the winemaking process that occurs after fermenting and before bottling, when the wine usually sits in barrels.

At Mas La Chevaliére — one of the wineries under the Domaine Laroche umbrella — the wine matures in stainless-steel tanks, so there are no signs of oak in the juice. Just 100 percent pure Chardonnay greatness.

Tasting Notes:

The pale-straw wine opens up with the aromas of breakfast grapefruit sprinkled with sugar, while rich flavors of bright and ripe apricot and cantaloupe blanket the palate and balance out the citrusy acidity. The finish is as clean and fresh as the first snow of the season.

Bottom Line:

This is an easy, breezy wine and a great example of what Chardonnay grapes actually taste like. Since it’s matured in steel tanks, there’s no presence of those oaky, toasted vanilla and buttery notes usually associated with Chardonnay, making this one a refreshingly bright change from the rest of what’s on the market.

Sonoma-Cutrer Russian River Ranches Chardonnay 2018

Sonoma-Cutrer

ABV:13.8%
Average Price: $28

The Wine:

Comprised of grapes grown in Sonoma, California, 85 percent of this Chardonnay is barrel-aged while the other 15 percent is aged in steel tanks. The blend results in a perfect marriage of flavor for a medium-bodied, dry wine that will pair perfectly with those easy sheet-pan dinners like salmon and veggies or takeout favorites like chicken tinga or al pastor tacos.

Tasting Notes:

You know the smell of a fresh-baked lemon butter loaf hot out of the oven? That’s the aroma aerating the glass, while a soft harmony of roasted almonds, Bosc pear, and hints of oak permeate the palate. The short finish, peppered with a slight spice, shocks the back of your throat before it quickly evaporates.

You’ll be pouring your next glass before you even finish your first sip.

Bottom Line:

This isn’t a sweet wine by any means, but it’s just as comforting as fall time baked goods without all the sugar (only 1.80 grams of residual sugar in each bottle!). Sonoma-Cutrer’s humanitarian efforts make this wine even more soothing to the soul. Sales of every bottle of the Russian River Ranches Chardonnay directly support Sonoma-Cutrer’s $100,000 donation to the Restaurant Workers’ Community Foundation, a relief organization helping restaurant workers affected by the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, as well as the winery’s $50,000 pledge to No Kid Hungry, which provides meals to children in need.

Cape Mentelle Sauvignon Blanc Semillon 2019

Cape Mentelle

ABV: 13%
Average Price: $26

The Wine:

It’s when night falls earlier and temperatures drop sharply that we dream of beach days and sorbet sunsets the most. That’s what this wine is. It’s a medium-bodied Sauvignon Blanc and Semillon blend of the warmth and splendor of the beach in a bottle. That shouldn’t be surprising, considering this wine is produced in Margaret River, Australia — near one of the most famous surf breaks on the planet.

Tasting Notes:

This wine is complexly vibrant, with fresh green lime, lemon sorbet, and chalk rock aromas. Yet it’s swirling with melon and a peachiness that creates a creamy texture to balance out that mineral backbone. Nectarine in the lengthy finish makes it a full circle experience, completely washing out the palate with the same acidity that’s noticed on the first sip.

Bottom Line:

This wine is a trip down under without the expensive and long flight. Pair it with a piping hot bowl of spicy laksa — a Southeast Asian favorite found often in Australia — and thank us for the staycation escape.

Domaine de Champarlan 2018 Menetou-Salon

Astor Wines

ABV: 12.5%
Average Price: $20

The Wine:

Sauvignon Blanc grapes grown in the heart of the Loire Valley, in a small region known as Menetou-Salon, make up this classically French wine. True, there is some acidity in this wine, but it’s much gentler than that of the New Zealand and Australian Sauv Blancs of the world. This wine is bright and vibrant while at the same time warm and welcoming — kinda like the folks you love but may not get to see at Friendsgiving this holiday season because… 2020.

Sigh.

Tasting Notes:

This wine is ripe with fruit. Apple and pear radiate on the nose and transition onto the palate while the acidity of the wine is soothed by an herbal touch. Is that a hint of mint lingering in the finish? Yup, that’s exactly what you’re tasting. Pour another glass.

Bottom Line:

This is the wine you buy when you want something fresh and inviting without the bite. Pair it with a hearty salad or drink it by itself.

Pierre Sparr Pinot Blanc 2018

Pierre Sparr

ABV: 12.5%
Average Price: $17

The Wine:

Made from 100 percent Pinot Gris, grown in the Alsace region of France, this wine is a staple from a family that’s practiced viticulture since 1680. The devotion, passion, and tending of the land and grapes has been passed down from generation to generation, and you can almost taste the heritage in every glass.

Tasting Notes:

This is a fresh and delicate wine that subtly displays aromas of apricot and nectar. Pear is the most dominant feature, although you get a sense of Meyer lemon lending to the mineral structure of the wine. Those expressions combined create an unexpected creaminess. Not too dense, not too bright—a perfect balance of crunchy and soft stone fruit giving way to the right amount of tension in the finish.

Bottom Line:

Take this bottle out of the fridge 15 minutes before you plan to crack it open and let the fresh delicacy of the wine wrap around your tastebuds like a fine-knit quilt.

Nortico Alvarinho 2019

Binny

ABV: 13%
Average Price: $15

The Wine:

Unlike the effervescent Vinho Verdes of Portugal, which are often spritzed with a little CO2 before bottling, there’s no fizz in this white wine from the northwestern and coastal villages of Moncao and Melgaco. The result is a richer, fuller, juicy fruit wine kissed with salinity.

Tasting Notes:

Although the plots where this wine is grown are slightly more inland, the grapes are still heavily influenced by the sea. Peach and tropical fruit are most prevalent on the nose while the palate zings with fresh citrus and sea salt. Floral expressions round out the clean and airy finish.

Bottom Line:

Grab a jacket and pound this one on the porch while the sun is out. Take the bottle outside with you. Brisk weather will keep it cold. Be careful though, this wine is so incredibly easy to drink, you may find yourself running through it quicker than expected.

Tenuta Guado al Tasso Vermentino 2019

Wine Chateau

ABV: 13%
Average Price: $24

The Wine:

This is a savory thirst quencher, comprised of 100 percent Vermentino grapes grown in the Bolgheri appellation of Italy. On one hand, it’s soaking with white flowers. On the other, it’s sopping with fresh acidity. Put both hands together and you’ve got a completely balanced wine, worthy of a round of applause.

Bravo!

Tasting Notes:

Intense fragrances of elderflower are met with splashes of yellow fruits like apples, pears, and pineapple. This is a wine with body and you can feel the weight of it on the palate as a rich, saltwater acidity balances out the long and lingering finish.

Bottom Line:

Pair this wine with an Italian feast. It’s got the bones to cut through even the most decadent cacio e pepe or spicy Ragus. Caprese anyone?

Alban Central Coast Viognier

Drink Dispatch

ABV: 15.4%
Average Price: $30

The Wine:

Now here’s a wine to snuggle up with. Grown and produced in California’s Central Coast, this wine made of 100 percent Viognier. It has a medium-to-full-bodied profile, which means, it leans high in alcohol. This wine is a slow sipper.

Tasting Notes:

Wafts of white flowers and drops of honey are intense on the nose, but its orange marmalade that stands out in the sip. The texture of the wine is ethereally glossy. When you swirl it around, you can see its dense structure in the slow drizzle of its golden-hued legs sliding down the glass.

Bottom Line:

The high alcohol content is a dead giveaway that this is a good wine for pairing, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the white wine for steak. This wine is an elegant counterpart for all your squashes, vegetable stews, and vegan chilis. It pairs exceptionally well with root vegetables but it also brings out the best in chicken and lean meats.

Royal Tokaji The Oddity Furmint 2016

Some Good Wine

ABV: 12.5%
Average Price: $20

The Wine:

Furmint is a grape that doesn’t nearly get the attention it deserves, but in Hungary, it reigns supreme. That’s thanks, in part, to the winemakers at Royal Tokaji who, 20 years ago, set forth on a mission to bring Furmint back to the glory it held when it was used to make the gold and sweet elixir aszú for European royals in the 17th century.

This one is much different from what was enjoyed in the 1600s, but it’s worth all the acclaim.

Tasting Notes:

Although Furmint can be sweet, this wine is notably dry. However, it maintains all the ripe sensations that can be found in sweeter styles too, in the way that apple and peach lead on the palate. Those notes are given a crispy uplift from the wine’s mineral structure, which remains throughout the long finish.

Bottom Line:

As hard as Hungarian wines are to come by, you’ll be a legend when you break out this superior and well-priced find at the next socially-distanced function.

Reyneke Vinehugger White 2018

Wine Chateau

ABV: 13%
Average Price: $18

The Wine:

Produced in the Western Cape, this is an organic Chenin Blanc, or Steen as they call it in South Africa. It’s charming and has an interesting character. Is that smoke you’re smelling after a quick swirl of the glass? Why, yes, it is. Quick someone fire up the braai!

Tasting Notes:

The first thing this wine greets you with is the smell of smoked applewood and orange peels. On the sip, you’ll notice hints of grilled peaches and nutty flavors, which get rounded out by a bit of spice in the silky and memorable finish.

Bottom Line:

Drink this wine now, with rotisserie chicken or duck. Or you can save it until you can actually get the grill going. It’s good for storing through 2023.

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‘The Mandalorian’ Is Here To Make Your Old Kenner ‘Star Wars’ Action Figures Relevant, Finally

With Boba Fett playing an, at least seemingly, important role in this second season of The Mandalorian, the howls on social media about how Boba Fett is “overrated” have once again started. You know, basically that he looks cool, but didn’t really do all that much in the actual movies. And it’s hard to argue with all that. But there’s still this disconnect between people who love Boba Fett and the people who just don’t get it. The answer is the original line of Kenner action figures that spanned between 1978 and 1985. Okay, sure, the Star Wars Holiday Special can take some credit, which was the first actual appearance of Boba Fett, at least in animated form, but Kenner took character anticipation to a new level with the release of the Boba Fett action figure in 1979.

At first, Fett was offered as a free action figure that was acquired by mailing four proof of purchases from other Star Wars action figures. The description of Boba Fett on that mail away offer was simply, “A fearsome interplanetary bounty hunter. A threat to the Rebel Alliance, especially Han Solo. A new character in the Star Wars sequel.” Let me tell you, a kid’s imagination could run wild with that description. The other characters didn’t even have descriptions. With Fett, there was a jumping-off point. So, by the time a lot of impressionable youths had seen The Empire Strikes Back, Boba Fett had already been on hundreds of imagined adventures. And this is why Fett has such a cache.

The thing is, a lot of those characters who had Kenner action figures have a lot of deemed importance for those of us that were around who owned them. It was, let’s say, curious who got an action figure and who did not. Grand Moff Tarkin, who, if you look at the original Star Wars as a singular movie, was the main villain, did not get an action figure. R5-D4, the red droid with 30 seconds of screen time, whose name is never mentioned and is just called “red”, whose head explodes, causing Luke to pick R2-D2 instead, did have an action figure. So, for many kids, it wasn’t about recreating scenes. It wasn’t like we all rolled R5-D4 out for a few seconds so his head could explode. No, R5-D4 joined back up with Luke and the Rebel Alliance and went on many, many adventures. As did Hammerhead, and Walrus Man (who was most likely dead), and Greedo, (who was for sure dead), and Snaggletooth. Kenner made something called Death Star Droid, which to this day I have trouble even finding in the movie. But in my adventures, you didn’t mess with Death Star Droid.

In the season premiere of The Mandalorian (written and directed by Jon Favreau), Amy Sedaris’s character, Peli, calls for her Droid, “R5.” As we see R5 roll in, from behind, with the residue still on its head from a nasty explosion, it’s undoubtedly the same “red” we saw in the original Star Wars. Only now for the first time, its name is being used and it has more of a function in the actual plot other than “being broken.”

I’ve noticed this a lot in The Mandalorian, especially episodes Jon Favreau directed or wrote. (As opposed to Dave Filoni, who seems to drift more toward the newer characters he helped create in Clone Wars and Rebels.) Favreau was 10 years old when Star Wars hit theaters in 1977 and would have been 11 by the time the first Kenner action figures came out, which puts him right in the age range where these would have had an effect on him. So it is curious that so many of his episodes have these characters: from R5-D4, to Ugnaughts, to Gamorrean Guards, to a Bossk stand-in, to an IG-88 stand-in, to, just this past week, a whole planet of Admiral Ackbars and Squid Heads. (Look, I realize planets like Mon Calamari have been seen before in other forms of canon, but seeing it in live-action is really a trip.) I truly believe Jon Favreau is here to try and make the old Kenner action figures relevant … finally.

Which brings us back to Boba Fett. I used to think The Mandalorian was a way to do a Boba Fett show without actually doing a Boba Fett show. Now it seems that a reason The Mandalorian exists is to vindicate the ultimate Kenner Star Wars action figure, Boba Fett himself. You see, even those of us who love Fett because of the many imaginary adventures we had with him over the years, we were still pretty horrified by how he went out in Return of the Jedi. Unlike The Empire Strikes Back, now he didn’t even have any lines. He just kind of hung out at Jabba’s palace, living off his notoriety. Then when he jumped into action, he was beaten by Han Solo, who couldn’t even see at the time, who didn’t even know Fett was right behind him – then accidentally igniting Fett’s jetpack, which sent him into the mouth of the Sarlacc. Then the Sarlacc burps. (Though, at least we finally hear Fett’s name said out loud for the first and only time in the Original Trilogy. Though, the lack of exposition is something I love about the original Star Wars movies. To the point they don’t even bother telling us anyone’s name half the time.)

I think, deep down, Favreau is tired of Fett being picked on for being “overrated.” I bet Favreau was one of these kids who had hundreds of adventures with his Fett action figure before he ever saw Fett in a movie. He was tired of R5-D4’s one lone appearance being the indignation of being called “red” then having his head explode. The Mandalorian is a lot of things, but I’m personally very excited that my old Kenner Star Wars action figures, that were relegated to being in the background for a few seconds, all have new lives of their own.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

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‘Conan’ Is Going To Be ‘Conan’ No Matter What Channel It’s On

The headlines about Conan O’Brien getting ready to leave late night after almost 30 years (to go host a weekly variety show on HBO Max next summer) are technically true, but they also seem to herald some kind of big change while adhering to a linear idea of what a late night show is and where it has to happen. An idea that is slowly losing its form. In as much as indie films and music aren’t solely things made in a basement, late night comedy doesn’t have to be two guests, a performance, and a focus around the midnight hour. It’s an aesthetic. One that O’Brien has helped shape and one he’s still going to inform in his next spot. Perhaps with more ease than before. In short: I’m not sure how earth-shaking this news really is.

It should be noted that, damn, does Conan O’Brien know how to pivot. When Andy Richter left Late Night in 1999, the show dynamic changed somewhat. The show changed again, more fully, when O’Brien briefly took over The Tonight Show in 2009 and again when he went to TBS to start Conan after NBC’s fuckery. That show has changed as well, gradually over the years before a total remix in January 2019 when it went from an hour to a half-hour. And then it transformed again, like every other late night show, going virtual due to COVID before shooting crowdless episodes at Largo in LA. Depending on how things go with social distancing and public health, the show may well change again before its now concrete end date in June.

O’Brien and company’s demonstrated adaptability isn’t just a virtue, it’s a necessity on par with comedic instinct in the effort to keep making people laugh while maintaining relevancy across generations. This all while confronting the ultimate TV existential threat: the explosion of available outlets and the splintering of audience. Because for everyone a niche offering and a niche offering for everyone. O’Brien has embraced this reality and the need to reach fans in multiple spaces already, creating a network of podcasts that allows friends of the show, fixtures, and O’Brien himself to focus on specific interests and giving love to Late Night old heads with the Classic Conan archive on his Team Coco site. Additionally, there’s a series of comedy specials he’s producing for HBO Max that keep him and the Team Coco brand connected to the world of stand-up. The TBS show has its own segmented niche offerings as well, with Clueless Gamer and Without Borders (which will continue with stand-alone specials on TBS) feeling like shows within the larger show. Money people call this diversification. It makes you less vulnerable in a volatile industry. Even in entertainment.

David Letterman is another uncommonly durable comedy culture figure. He and O’Brien will be forever linked since they both hosted Late Night on NBC (Letterman from 1982 to 1993 with O’Brien following him and then taking the reigns until 2009) and preferred a kind of “let’s see what we can get away with” esotericism that managed to find bigger than anticipated audiences and impact. But I’m wondering if their respective third acts also joins them.

When Letterman left The Late Show in 2015 it was assumed that he’d sit in a rocking chair for 20 years, but instead he went to Netflix and isolated and elevated the element from his late night show that he seemingly liked best (interviews). And now he gets to do it without the guardrails and expectations of a network nightly “late night” show even though it still feels like late night for who it is and what it is. For Letterman, this “do whatever you want, just do it for us” treatment seems like a reward for a foundational run in classically defined late night. Is this new show on HBO Max Conan O’Brien’s version of that? Maybe. We’ll see if he has the freedom or inclination to make big changes or hone in on a single aspect, but O’Brien certainly has the name recognition and loyal multi-platform audience to be a separator for a freshly launched streamer when it comes to buzz and maybe subscriptions. And he’s still got a lot of pathways to entertain his audience (the previously mentioned Team Coco, those specials, the podcasts, Without Borders at a time when the world will be ripe for re-exploration and a little cultural curiosity, etc). This on top of whatever this new show winds up being. So the stage is set for him to take advantage of this.

You know what else this feels like? When Howard Stern left terrestrial radio for Sirius. It’s a further breakdown of an established formula and subscription fees suck, sure, but in the end, no one will really give a shit about what channel or service the content is on if it’s still good. That’s the challenge, same as it ever was. So long as O’Brien has the ability to follow his instincts and do his thing then does it really matter if it’s all on channel 39 or on a couple of different apps? Conan ala carte is still Conan and it’s still going to be late night.

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A Trump Legal Advisor Apparently Once Called Him An ‘Idiot’ And Made Fun Of His Supporters

Donald Trump’s continued legal battle to win the 2020 election despite Joe Biden winning both the popular vote and the electoral college has certainly had its Rudy Giuliani-fueled ups and downs. Well, mostly downs when it comes to Trump’s actual chances of changing or invalidating tens of thousands of votes and flipping some states his way.

Some would imagine that it takes a certain devotion to Trump in order to keep the fledgling legal campaign going, but according to a report one of the president’s legal advisors isn’t nearly as loyal as you’d expect. According to report from CNN’s Andrew Kaczynski, Trump’s legal advisor, Jenna Ellis, has a history of criticizing Trump both on Facebook and on a radio program in Colorado.

Ellis, an attorney and former law professor from Colorado, repeatedly slammed then-candidate Trump as an “idiot,” who was “boorish and arrogant,” and a “bully” whose words could not be trusted as factually accurate. She called comments he made about women “disgusting,” and suggested he was not a “real Christian.”

In one March 2016 Facebook post, Ellis said Trump’s values were “not American,” linking to a post that called Trump an “American fascist.” She praised Mitt Romney for speaking out against Trump, referring to him as “Drumpf,” — a nickname coined by comedian John Oliver after a biographer revealed Trump’s ancestor changed the family’s surname from Drumpf to Trump.

Things have obviously changed for Ellis, as she’s worked for Trump as a legal advisor and surrogate for more than a year now. But the network reported on a number of different instances where Ellis attacked both Trump supporters for not caring about the truth and the candidate itself for being an “unethical, corrupt, lying, criminal, dirtbag.”

Ellis gave a statement to CNN and didn’t deny the reports, but instead called her early criticism “no secret” and that things, in her mind, have changed.

In a statement to CNN on Wednesday, Ellis said, “It’s no secret that I did not support Donald Trump early in the primary process in 2015, like many others who didn’t know him, and I’ve always been straightforward with my opinions and I’ve always admitted when my opinion changes. I am glad to have learned that I was completely wrong about Trump back then and I’ve said that over and over publicly, as I saw him keeping his promises, and then eventually getting to know him personally.

Ellis has apparently changed her mind about Trump, and as the full story shows certainly has the more recent social media activity to prove it. But the list of criticisms is pretty long, too, and if we know one thing it’s that Trump definitely doesn’t like being called names.

[via CNN]

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An LA Taco Snob Ranks Every Fast Food Taco From Worst To Best

Growing up in Los Angeles equips you with two key attributes: 1) an ungodly amount of patience for sitting in traffic, and 2) enough experience eating tacos to be a certified taco expert. I’m also Latino, which means my authority on what makes a good taco is essentially bulletproof. Am I saying that every Latinx person living in LA is a Jonathan Gold-level authority on tacos and Mexican food who would make respected Mexican chefs like Aarón Sánchez weep with pride?

Yes, that is what I’m saying. Come at me.

I have other hallmarks of a true LA taco snob, too. I’ve already published a hierarchy of the best tacos the city has to offer (most of my picks are on the east side, another taco snob hallmark), I make my own salsas, and I’m one of those people who says “but tacos don’t even need cheese” even though I know damn well they taste better with it. Plus I always, always rep for my favorite LA street vendor.

But being a taco snob can be a lonely life. Because there are times when you’re away from your home turf and you have to try things on the fly, compromise, or — gulp — hit the drive-thru to get your taco fix. It may not happen anytime soon (my beloved spots are near where I’m riding out the pandemic), but it will happen. To help prepare myself (and you) for just such an eventuality, I went on a quest last week to find the best fast food tacos on the market.

Before we dive into my definitive ranking of fast food tacos, here is something I discovered on my odyssey: If you compare a fast food taco to an authentic corn tortilla street taco, you’re never going to be satisfied. They should be recognized as two vastly different items. So if you came to debate “authenticity” with me, know that this isn’t the place. Once you accept the fast-food taco as its own beast, the snobbiness starts to fall away and you’re able to appreciate them for what they are.

*A brief note on fish tacos*

On this list, you’ll find all sorts of chicken and beef-based tacos, but you won’t find any fish tacos. Mostly because I don’t like fish tacos and I’m especially dubious of any fish taco you can pick up at a fast-food restaurant. This shouldn’t be a problem unless you’re a huge Baja Fresh fan, in which case, you have my sincerest apologies on multiple levels.

Let’s go!

15 — Burger King — Crispy Taco

Oh boy. I knew things were going to get dark during this ranking, but I didn’t know I’d experience something quite as awful as Burger King’s Crispy Taco. First of all, it was news to me that Burger King even had a taco. Not only have I never noticed it on the menu, but I’ve never heard a single person ever mention tacos from Burger King.

For good reason.

The meat here is questionable. It’s crumbly yet wet. Salty yet flavorless. It’s more texture than anything. This might as well be lobster at a diner, something inexplicable on a menu for variety’s sake, not for the intention of ever being truly savored.

It’s the Dream Cafe from Seinfeld.

The Bottom Line:

Close your eyes, point to the menu and there is a high chance you’ll land on something better than Burger King’s Crispy Taco.

14 — Carl’s Jr — Crunchy Beef Taco

Carl

The Carl’s Jr Crunchy Beef Taco is a lot like the Burger King taco only (marginally) better… because there is less of it. Seriously, this taco is probably the thinnest taco in all of fast-food. The shell-to-fillings ratio is all off here. Luckily, the shell tastes better than Burger King’s entire taco. The taco sauce isn’t bad either, it provides a nice, warming heat but is still mild enough for people who can’t tolerate spice.

The major miss on this taco is the lettuce, I’ve had the Crunchy Beef Taco on a few occasions now and every time the lettuce has been white and flavorless. At that point don’t even put it in, Carl!

The Bottom Line:

A step up from Burger King. Better shell and less taco overall, which — in this case — is a gift.

13 — Taco Bell — Chicken Soft Taco

Taco Bell’s chicken is the worst chicken I’ve ever tasted. That’s it. That’s the review. You can also order it with tomatoes and sour cream, which does nothing to improve the experience.

The Bottom Line:

The worst chicken I’ve ever tasted in my life, yet somehow still a better overall experience than I had at Carl’s Jr or Burger King.

12 — Baja Fresh — Baja Taco

I’m pretty split on the Baja Taco. On one hand, I love the grilled double corn tortilla, I’ll take cilantro on tacos every time it’s offered to me, and Baja Fresh’s salsa options — which include verde, a chunky red sauce, and a spicy six chili sauce — offer pretty deep complexity, for a chain.

But then there’s the meat.

If I had to rank Baja Fresh’s non-fish protein options it would go 1) Tender Steak, 2) Pork Carnitas, 3) White Meat Chicken. The chicken is almost inedible. Now, I’m not expecting fresh non-frozen chicken from Baja Fresh (ironic as that is), but the texture here is rubbery — like it was reheated after being pre-cooked. I’m not saying it is, I have no idea, but it tastes like what I imagine Subway’s grilled chicken would taste like if it was cut up and thrown into a taco.

It’s bland, it’s dry, and relies on the salsa to impart any flavor.

The Pork Carnitas are a significant step up but are generally pretty dry. The steak is tough but has a flavorful outer char.

The Bottom Line:

For the love of all that is holy never order the chicken! The other two are… middling.

11 — Baja Fresh — Americano Taco

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I prefer Baja Fresh’s Americano Taco over the Baja. Fast food flour tortillas taste better than fast food corn tortillas. The romaine lettuce is a nice addition, the tomatoes pack a lot of much-needed flavor and are a great compliment to any of Baja Fresh’s salsa options, and the inclusion of jack and cheddar cheese offers a big step up.

While I appreciate the Baja Taco’s attempts to recreate a taqueria-style street taco, the Americano just has more flavor. At the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about.

The Bottom Line:

The better of the two Baja Fresh tacos.

10 — Rubio’s — Classic Chicken/Steak Taco

Rubio’s is a very small step up from Baja Fresh, mostly because their meat is of slightly higher quality. Unfortunately, the salsa options are much more limited here than at Baja, but the classic taco features cheese, romaine lettuce and is topped with a creamy spicy chipotle sauce that results in an all around better flavor experience. The tortillas here are also leagues better.

The Bottom Line:

A mid-tier fast-food taco. Too bland to be considered good but inarguably a taco. That’s an improvement from the bottom five on this list!

9 — Rubios — Grilled Gourmet Taco Chicken/Steak

While Rubio’s Classic Taco is just so so, the Grilled Gourmet is actually pretty good. As I mentioned before, Rubio’s corn tortillas are solid and they’re made all the better when toasted cheese is melted on top of them. The Grilled Gourmet also features avocado slices, a roasted version of their Chipotle salsa, cilantro, onions, and bacon.

All fast food tacos would be better served with some bacon!

The Bottom Line:

One of Rubio’s best menu choices. That being said, you’re still at Rubio’s.

8 — Chipotle — Tacos (Crunchy or Soft)

It might surprise some that someone who calls themselves a “taco snob” would rank the more “authentic” offerings from Chipotle in the middle of this list. I mean, these tacos contain meat that can actually be identified, and that’s saying something, right?

Unfortunately, while being able to choose between chicken, steak, barbacoa, carnitas, and carne asada is nice, none of that really matters when your food is as flavorless and uninspired as Chipotle’s fare.

Chipotle’s entire menu just lacks character. No single item on the menu — aside from the MEGA-LIME chips — tastes like any creative thought was put into it. It’s like making a sauce without tasting it. It doesn’t matter that you followed a recipe with perfect precision, if you don’t dip your finger in, taste it and see how the spices are coming together, it probably won’t come out very good. We’re not suggesting the burrito makers at Chipotle dip their fingers into the guac or the salsa to see if the stuff tastes good (God knows the chain has already had food contamination issues), but the point stands.

You can order these tacos crunchy or soft. Not a lot of people know that, which is probably because this choice doesn’t really make a difference.

The Bottom Line:

Chipotle is a master of options but doesn’t know anything about how flavors come together. Because of that, this taco tries to pass itself off as “authentic” and falls short.

7 — Qdoba — Tacos

Qdoba suffers from all the same problems that Chipotle does, only I’m not nearly as angry over Qdoba. Honestly, the two chains are interchangeable in my eyes, though Qdoba has better meat options, like the Grilled Adobo Chicken, Pulled Pork, and Smoked Brisket. Their fajitas are also more flavorful, and they’ve got cotija cheese.

Alas, I’ve never in my life once craved Qdoba. Jack in the Box from a drive-thru at 3 AM after two too many drinks? Definitely. But Qdoba? I’ve eaten at Qdoba for two reasons ever: 1) morbid curiosity and 2) this article.

The Bottom Line:

A tiny step up from Chipotle. Not a regrettable choice, but definitely a forgettable one.

6 — Taco Bell — Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco

Now see, this is what a fast-food taco should be. It’s tacky and eating one kind of feels like a dare, but come on, the taco shell is essentially a giant folded Dorito. If you ate the shell alone, it’d be an enjoyable experience and that’s hard to say for any fast food taco.

Honestly, this taco should’ve been called the “Americano Taco.” It’s such a bastardization of what a taco should be that I kind of appreciate it. It’s truly Frankensteinian.

The Bottom Line:

If you like Doritos you’ll love this. If you don’t, it’s time to grab a joint and run through a bag.

5 — Jack in the Box — Two Tacos

Are these ranked way too high? Absolutely. First of all, Jack in the Box uses American cheese in these tacos. They just slide a slice of American cheese into a taco shell.

What? I’m sorry, what?!

If that isn’t f*cking crazy enough, it almost seems like they age the lettuce. You don’t cure lettuce in a wine cellar, friends. That’s not the way. The taco sauce’s flavor can only be described as wet and no one — Jack in the Box included — knows what the hell kind of meat this is. Seriously, this is the description of the taco straight from the Jack in the Box website: “Two crunchy tacos with American cheese, shredded lettuce, and taco sauce.”

That’s it. No meat call out at all. Jack knows we’ll roast him.

Having said all of that… have you ever had one of these while drunk or stoned? Tacos aren’t a meal from Jack in the Box, they’re an add on. Jack in the Box is full of stoner food, it’s why they made the “Munchie Meal,” and this is their crown jewel. The next time you’re high, go to Jack in the Box, order Two Tacos, Curly Fries, Mozzarella Sticks, and, f*ck it, an Oreo Milkshake.

Will you regret your decision an hour later? Yes. But for the previous 59 minutes, it’ll be the most amazing fast food indulgence you’ve ever enjoyed.

The Bottom Line:

A stoner staple. Never eat sober.

4 — Taco Bell — Beef Soft/Crunchy Taco

Taco Bell’s meat is weird. For the longest time, when Taco Bell was the only prominent “Mexican” fast food offering, we all just collectively agreed that this was beef. Sure, ground beef tacos exist. They can often be delicious. But there is something about Taco Bell’s meat that just seems… suspect.

It’s wet, greasy, and flavorful, but I just know what I’m eating isn’t 100% beef. My only gripe is that once I’ve had one of these, I burp the flavor for a full 24hrs. That experience alone makes me pause on ever opting for the Taco Bell drive-thru.

I can’t explain it. To me, the soft flour tortilla version of this taco is vastly superior to the crunchy version, but I’ve been known to order one of each when that Taco Bell craving strikes.

The Bottom Line:

Good enough to eat sober!

3 — Del Taco — The Del Taco Crunchy/Soft

Del Taco is massively underrated. It doesn’t enjoy the same cult status amongst stoners, teenagers, and college kids as Taco Bell, but just about everything the Bell does, Del Taco does better. They slow cook their beans, the tacos are less greasy, their meat isn’t as wet and actually tastes and looks like ground beef, and their cheese is freshly grated.

Also, they have fries! That might seem like a random aside, but buy a Del Taco taco, throw some crinkle-cut fries in there, and prepare for one of the tastiest fast food tacos you’ll ever experience. The beef is well seasoned, with a nice peppery bite, the lettuce never feels old, providing you a crisp mouthfeel and the salty crinkle-cut fries offer that addicting umami.

The Bottom Line:

More mature and refined than Taco Bell.

2 — Del Taco — Grilled Chicken Taco

Fast food tacos sometimes feel like an afterthought. They’re generally designed to be added to your meal, rather than a meal unto themselves. But Del Taco’s Grilled Chicken taco is something you might actually go to Del Taco for. We don’t know we can say that about any of the tacos that preceded this entry. At Chipotle and Qdoba, people generally opt for burritos or bowls. Rubio’s and Baja Fresh have the fast food fish taco scene on lock. And nobody is visiting Taco Bell or Jack in the Box for their standard tacos alone.

But Del’s Grilled Chicken Taco is actually good enough to base a meal around. The chicken is as good as fast food chicken can be. Again, the freshly grated cheese makes a major difference, and each bite is infused with some creamy habanero sauce or Del Taco’s “savory secret sauce” (which is just modified sour cream.) Both sauce options are good, but a packet or two of Del Taco’s green or red sauce will still really help to enhance the flavors.

The Bottom Line:

A fast-food taco you don’t have to feel ashamed for ordering.

1 — El Pollo Loco Chicken Avocado Street Taco

This is a curious one because I never, ever, ever order tacos from El Pollo Loco. Hell, most of the time I don’t even remember that El Pollo Loco has tacos. But they do, and they’re pretty f*cking good.

In fact, I think they’re the best fast-food tacos in the game (obviously). First, you have a thick and flavorful stone-ground corn tortilla (though El Pollo Loco’s quality varies, sometimes you get a stale tortilla) thick fresh slices of avocado, cilantro dressing, Pico de Gallo, queso fresco, and El Pollo Loco’s tasty marinated chicken.

Top it off with El Pollo Loco’s avocado salsa and you’ve got an absolute flavor bomb. Everything melds together like a great taco should and feels greater than the sum of its individual parts. While overall I believe the best fast food tacos are the ones that don’t try to be authentic, El Pollo Loco’s Chicken Avocado Street Taco provides an experience I can’t deny.

The Bottom Line:

Did you know El Pollo Loco had tacos? They do, and they’re actually pretty good. The bridge between fast food tacos and the real thing.

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Lonzo Ball Was Revealed As The Masked Singer As His Brother Went Third To The Hornets On Draft Night

After many months of anticipation and uncertainty, the 2020 NBA Draft kicked off on Wednesday night with a virtual format, and as always, it was a good opportunity to learn more about the talented young men who will comprise the incoming class and their long and often arduous and emotional journeys to achieve their basketball dreams.

It was a big night for the Ball family in particular, as LaMelo Ball was selected with the No. 3 overall pick by the Charlotte Hornets, making him the second Ball brother, behind his older brother Lonzo, to be taken as a top five lottery pick in the last four years. And not to be out-shined, Lonzo had a little something up his sleeve for his brother’s big night.

On Wednesday night’s episode of The Masked Singer, #WhatchamacallitMask took the stage to do a version of Terror Squad’s “Lean Back,” with some lyrical edits that dropped a few hints about who might be behind the mask, before it was revealed to be Lonzo.

Our own mock draft had LaMelo going No. 1 overall to Minnesota, but he’ll make a good addition in Charlotte. Of course, there’s the added layer of father LaVar’s many outlandish boasts about his basketball abilities and his son now playing for the team owned by Michael Jordan, the world’s most maniacal competitor and nurturer of petty slights. Regardless, the Ball family legacy continues to grown, both on court and in prime time.

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Jokes About Dolly Parton Funding A Coronavirus Vaccine Are Exactly What The Internet Is For

Ok, so the year is 2020 and Dolly Parton is responsible for funding a vaccine for a deadly disease that the sitting American president has all but ignored. Strange sci-fi short story plot or real life? Who in the hell would choose the latter if given that sentence any time before March of this year? Yet here we are, that’s all true. Parton’s well-known benevolence has apparently drifted into the medical world, and a lot of us have Dolly to thank for that.

But the situation is just strange and surreal enough, and everyone stuck at home during the pandemic are just bored enough, that the internet is really showing out when it comes to jokes and commentary about the matter. They’ve had me cackling all day, so I’m collecting a few of the best here to entertain you.

Joining in the fray are the likes of Steve Martin:

This extremely viral “Jolene” joke:

Then there’s more specific jokes you have to be a real Dolly fan to get, like this one:

Which is, of course, referencing this classic Dolly moment:

A little joke about the vaccine’s 95% effective rate and the Parton classic film, 9 To 5

Some virologist humor:

My personal favorite, a way to possible get through to the anti-vaxxers among us:

Now, if Dolly could just get to work on restoring democracy, we’ll be all set.

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RJ Hampton’s Family Had Some Hat Issues When He Was Drafted Amid Trade Confusion

The NBA Draft is a life-changing event in so many young men’s lives each year. Even though it’s being conducted virtually this time around, we still get to watch all of the emotional moments with the draftees and their family members as they hear their names called and find out where their NBA journey will begin.

But for some players, it’s not always so clear how things are going to pan out. Take R.J. Hampton, for instance. Hampton opted to forego college last season and in favor of playing professionally in New Zealand, and after struggling somewhat overseas saw his draft stock fall.

So when the Bucks selected him with the No. 24 pick, it was with the understanding that he would be heading to New Orleans, who would subsequently trade him to the Denver Nuggets. Confused yet? Don’t worry. You’re not alone. When ESPN cut to Hampton’s live feed, they still hadn’t figured out which hat to use, and in the commotion, the elder Hampton tossed one across the room.

It appeared to be the Bucks hat that went sailing, before they realized that was the one they actually needed for the purposes of the live spot. One of the more interesting developments for the virtual format was that each player was sent all 30 hats just to be sure that all their bases were covered, although in this case, the complex mechanisms of the draft and trade and trade again scenario were still too much to overcome in the moment.