Month: November 2020

The first thing that comes to mind when thinking about Trader Joe’s is the quality produce delectable packaged goods that are endemic to the grocer. But Trader Joe’s is a haven for more than just frozen gnocchi and cookie butter. It’s also an emporium for wine. Really good wine.

It’s no secret that wine has a reputation for being intimidating and exclusionary, with its neverending onslaught of grape varieties, regions, and styles. And we won’t even get into the expansive list of terms that oenophiles (wine connoisseurs) and vintners (winemakers) use to talk about the stuff. But at the end of the day, wine is simply a beverage — alcoholic grape juice. Trader Joe’s gets that.

Even with all the fancy talk left at the door and a clear emphasis on value, the expansive roster of wine available at Trader Joe’s can be overwhelming. Especially if you don’t know what you’re in the mood for. To help you sort through it all, we’ve compiled a list of the 10 best bottles — based on taste and value.

NOTE: Most of the wines featured are exclusive to TJ’s, so you’ll have to hop in your car. But there are a few that can be found online (check the links, below).

Block ’67 Cabernet Sauvignon

ABV: 13%
Average Price: $12

The Wine:

Four bottles of Californian Cabernet Sauvignon all in one single box. No corkscrew required—just a push of the little red button on the nozzle and deep ruby red wine spills out. Don’t let its boxy appearance fool you though, this is a classic full-bodied Cab with a soft tannic structure that lingers.

Tasting Notes:

Black cherry and plum are the key players here, but the dark fruit notes are joined by an ensemble of toasted vanilla and cedar that last throughout the long finish. The body is structured and heavy.

You can feel the weight of this wine in every sip.

Bottom Line:

This is a no-thrills Cabernet Sauvignon, but it gets the job done on those long, exhausting days when you want something simple and reliable without a ton of deliveration. It also pairs nicely with red meats and red sauces for pasta.

Espiral Vinho Verde

ABV: 9%
Average Price: $4

The Wine:

There’s something you must know about white wine made in the Vinho Verde region of northern Portugal: it’s incredibly crisp. The blend of young native white grapes used in this medium-dry Trader Joe’s gem is particularly so. Crisp like you just licked a white linen sheet fresh out the dryer. Crisp like the first bite of a Golden Delicious apple. Crisp like an ocean breeze cooling you down on a hot day.

Get the picture?

Tasting Notes:

The aromas of green and yellow apple, lemon, and grapefruit seem to come to life on the palate when coupled with the natural acidity of the grapes. Stone fruit is a noticeable characteristic on the first sip, which gets balanced out with a zesty long finish.

Bottom Line:

This is a great introduction to white Portuguese wines. It’s a porch-pounder (like many of its ilk) that can easily be enjoyed all on its own but is equally delightful with a side of oysters and clams. Drink this very well chilled.

Trader Joe’s Platinum Reserve Russian River Valley Pinot Noir

ABV: 14.5%
Average Price: $15

The Wine:

Made from 100 percent Pinot Noir grapes grown in the Russian River Valley region of California’s Sonoma County, this is a light-bodied wine with lower tannins—the naturally occurring polyphenol found in fruit skins and seeds—that lend to its smooth texture in the mouth.

Although Pinot Noir isn’t considered as complex or bold of a wine as, say, a tannin-rich Cabernet Sauvignon, Trader Joe’s Platinum Reserve is robust enough to pair with a dish as heavy as Mississippi Roast or something as simple as Top Ramen.

Tasting Notes:

This is a fruit-forward wine packed with dark red cherry and red plum. Hints of mocha, anise, and a little oak help even things out while a subtle kick of baking spice lingers on its silky and elegant finish.

Bottom Line:

If this wasn’t a Trader Joe’s branded wine, it would easily cost double the price. That, on top of the fact that it’s divinely luscious, makes it even more of a “must buy.”

Mezzacrona Pinot Grigio

ABV: 12.5%
Average Price: $9

The Wine:

This is a bright and light, easy-sipping wine. It’s made from 100 percent Pinot Grigio grapes that are grown in the Trentino region of Northern Italy.

Tasting Notes:

This wine opens up like a bouquet of fresh-picked wildflowers. It’s delicate and supple and displays yellow apple, melon, and a splash of citrus. The finish is barely there. This is as light as it gets.

Bottom Line:

Drink this wine when you’re too lazy to make dinner. It’s the just the right lively component needed to make that bowl of Easy Mac feel like a proper meal.

Excelsior Sauvignon Blanc

ABV: 13.06%
Average Price: $6

The Wine:

Although the Robertson Valley of South Africa has hotter climates than what’s typical for growing Sauvignon Blanc, the region’s limestone-rich clay soils make the area ideal for winemaking. To master the acidic punch of Excelsior’s Sauvignon Blanc, about 35 percent of grapes are harvested very early — while the sugar content is still relatively low. The rest of the grapes used to make the wine are harvested later in the season, when they reach higher levels of sugar concentration.

This blend of early and late-harvested grapes is what helps the wine achieve its fruity complexities and body while maintaining its acidity.

Tasting Notes:

Aromas of tropical fruit and citrus escape from the bottle as soon as it’s open. Flavors of passionfruit, grapefruit, fig, and grass are noticeable in the glass as well, which offer a great accompaniment for the acidity of the wine — which quite literally smacks you in the face.

The finish is long, lingering, and full of minerality.

Bottom Line:

A seafood tower wouldn’t stand a chance against this wine. It’s the perfect companion for oysters, shrimp cocktail, cold lobster, and prawns with all the fixings. Heck, it would even wash down well with some of those famous Trader Joe’s Fish Sticks or a pack of the grocer’s Roasted Seaweed Snacks.

You’ll want to drink this one well chilled.

Big Churn Chardonnay

ABV: 14.5%
Average Price: $7

The Wine:

As the name suggests, this is one hell of a big-bodied and buttery California Chardonnay. The wine’s incredibly brassy color tells you everything you need to know about it before you take your first sip: It’s basically toast in a glass.

Tasting Notes:

The aroma of this Chardonnay is like a fresh-baked apple pie. Take a big whiff of the vanilla, the cinnamon, the flaky crust. The intense oak and butter nearly drown out the palate, but the taste of pear teased in the finish offers a little balance.

Bottom Line:

This is a wonderfully decadent wine that’s reminiscent of the oaky Chardonnays early California vintners used to make, except it’s better. It’s one that stands up to weighted dishes too, like roasted chicken and duck, potatoes, hearty winter vegetables, and stews.

Lazy Bones Cabernet Franc

ABV: 13.99%
Average Price: $7

The Wine:

Grown amongst the scenic rolling hills of California’s Paso Robles region, this wine is made of 100 percent Cabernet Franc, the mother-grape of Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot. It’s dark, inky purple hue is indicative of all the dark fruit features, which reign supreme in this surprisingly delicate and juicy red wine.

Tasting Notes:

Intense notes of over-ripened blackberry, blueberry, blackcurrant, and plum fill the nose and the palate, while subtle notes of clove, black pepper, and cinnamon are sprinkled throughout. That’s followed up with a short and smooth finish that exudes the slightest hint of basil.

Bottom Line:

Rarely will you find bottles of 100 percent Cabernet Franc. It’s even rarer to find them at such a low price point, making this wine a satisfying treat for your tastebuds and your bank account.

Satis Dei Syrah Garnacha

ABV: 14%
Average Price: $9

The Wine

This is a blend of Syrah and Garnacha, born in the Castilla La Mancha region of Spain. Its unique diamond-dotted glass bottle offers just a subtle hint about the beautiful wine encased within. Although it’s a medium-heavy style wine, with four grams of residual sugar, it boasts an unexpected sweetness that manages to balance out all that body.

Tasting Notes:

There’s a real “grippy” quality about this wine. The tannins are upfront but are quickly sopped up with all the black cherry, blackberry, and blueberry components. Touches of cocoa extend into the long and dry finish.

Bottom Line:

If you’re in need of a well-structured wine that can pair with paella as easily as it pairs with grilled steak, this is the wine for you. It’s got just the right body to hold up to red meat but it won’t overpower a rice dish full of lighter proteins.

Whispering Angel The Palm Rosé

ABV: 13%
Average Price: $14

The Wine:

Now here is a rosé that captures the essence of Provence. It’s crisp, slightly dry, and oozing with fresh aromatics that ring of sunshine and coastlines — just as a Provencal rosé should. A blend of Grenache, Cinsault, and Carignan, this energetic and vibrant wine is the trendier, pinker little sister to the famous Whispering Angel Rosé.

Tasting Notes:

The freshness of this wine is catapulted by raspberry and redcurrant notes on the palate. It’s light-weight, with a short finish but still manages to invigorate the senses with its vibrancy.

Bottom Line:

This is a vacation in a bottle, featuring almost all of the qualities Whispering Angel is loved for but at half the price.

La Marca Prosecco

ABV: 11%
Average Price: $15

The Wine:

This sparkling wine is made from a blend of grapes native to the Veneto region of Prosecco, Italy. The golden-straw colored juice boasts lively, snappy bubbles that dance in the glass.

Tasting Notes:

Mineral undertones amplify the hints of green apple, grapefruit, and lemon while simultaneously washing the palate with freshness. The finish gets an upgrade with citrus and honeysuckle to complete that full joyous feeling only a sparkling wine can provide.

Bottom Line:

This is a solid bottle that can take brunch mimosas and blinis to the next level when topped off with a splash of orange or lychee juice.

Keanu Reeves is currently in Berlin and working on The Matrix 4, which puts him back in Neo-mode and must have everything to do with the buzz cut that he’s rocking in a new video that he made with Bill and Ted: Face The Music co-star Alex Winter. I like to envision that these two have a nightly Zoom call with each other, so don’t take that away from me, but here, they decided to team up with their joint positive energy for a World Kindness Day (Nov. 13) message to the world from Orion Pictures.

We could all stand some kindness right now, even if the word has been allegedly misappropriated by The Ellen Show over the years. Forget about all of that and, for at least a few moments, about all the anger (much if it justifiable) in the world today. In place of that negative energy, we can all appreciate Alex and Keanu taking some time to simply spread some cheer. It’s not quite as soothing as hearing Keanu discuss trees on HBO Max’s World Of Calm, but it’s still nice.

Hopefully, it won’t take too long for Keanu’s famous hair and scruffiness to grow back, too. Then he can get on the John Wick horse again and obliterate the pandemic. Admit it, you’d want to watch that happen.

Rap is still a relatively young genre, both in terms of its age and its demographic, but even its freshest artists can feel the effects of Father Time’s unstoppable progress. It’s been over five years since ASAP Mob founder ASAP Yams passed away due to an overdose on lean and in that time, the group has fought hard to keep his memory alive. However, ASAP Rocky particularly seems to find himself struggling with the task as he celebrates what would have been Yams’ 32nd birthday today.

“I’m runnin’ out of rare pics,” he wrote in the Instagram caption of a post paying homage to his late mentor and friend. “Happy Birthday, East Side Steve,” he saluted. “Love U 2 death N after.” The photo in question is a group shot, with Rocky flipping off the camera, Yams smoking a cigarette, ASAP Ferg sitting or squatting next to them, and what looks like the members of Migos looking at the wrong camera.

Yams, real name Steven Rodriguez, died in January 2015 after vowing to give up hard drugs like codeine but relapsing and overdosing on a mixture of opiates and benzodiazepine. Since then, the ASAP Mob has held an annual ASAP Yams Day concert to celebrate his life and influence. Unfortunately, this year’s event was canceled along with most other live entertainment as a result of the ongoing coronavirus epidemic.

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — I hate that I’m asking this

Alex Trebek is gone, and it sucks. I’m sad. Sadder than I expected to be. I figured I’d be a little prepared, in part because of his age and in part because of his very serious cancer diagnosis. Well, guess what: I was not prepared. I got a text on Sunday afternoon that broke the news and then I watched a bunch of Jeopardy clips and then I teared up a little bit. Especially when I saw this one from a few weeks ago. I mean, damn.

The thing is that Trebek had crossed over from game show host to cultural institution in a way I’m not sure anyone else has. He was synonymous with Jeopardy, a show that succeeded for decades without any gimmicks. It was just three smart people answering questions and — this part was a more recent development but still an undeniable undercurrent in every episode — trying not to disappoint Alex. There were multiple parodies of him in multiple formats and he seemed to get a kick out of all them. He took his work seriously, but not himself. I don’t know if anyone else in his profession has pulled off all of that to a degree that even gets close. Maybe Bob Barker, based on his longevity and legendary Happy Gilmore cameo, but even that doesn’t quite get there. Alex Trebek was one of one, the true and only Jeopardy GOAT.

Which makes this next part uncomfortable and kind of impossible: At some point, sooner than later, we’re going to have to have a serious discussion about who attempts to replace him as host. Replace is probably the wrong word. One does not “replace” Alex Trebek as host of Jeopardy as much as one stands in the places he stood and tries not to steer the whole operation into a lagoon. Some people and websites have already started the conversation, including some weirdo gambling-type places that created preposterous odds meant more to drive clicks/conversation than to be serious. Joe Rogan will not be the next host of Jeopardy. Neither will Nick Cannon or Piers Morgan. I will very likely start a riot in the street if Piers Morgan becomes the next host of Jeopardy. I am not joking. This is serious.

You know who else will not be the next host of Jeopardy? Wolf Blitzer. There is a reasonable case to make for him, I suppose, given that he’s another authoritative gray-haired man who society at large associates with being smart on account of him saying the news into a camera for a number of decades. Also, his name is “Wolf Blitzer,” which is one of those things that is objectively funny even if we’ve all become a little immune to it over the many years he’s been a cultural figure, kind of like how we all just rolled with there being a notable actor whose name was Rip Torn. That counts for something. But still, Wolf can’t be the host for one simple and hilarious reason, which can be summed up in one image that is, I swear to God, real.

So he’s out. And that gets us back to square one. Who?

The smart money seems to be on Ken Jennings, he of the record winning streak and victory in the recent GOAT tournament. This makes sense. Ken is smart and funny and viewers already associate his face with the show, so it won’t feel like as much of a shock, or like someone is trying to “replace” Trebek as much as continue his legacy. Also, thanks to his status as a legend on the show, he can believably continue the illusion Trebek created that the host actually knows the answers to all the clues, even though we all know he has them on the card. This is important to me because I am a child.

Another good one who is picking up steam: Levar Burton. Hell yeah, Levar Burton. Between his long career as an actor and his role as host of Reading Rainbow, he’s another one who is ingrained enough in the culture and perceived as smart enough to pull this off. I could very much get into Levar Burton as host. This is acceptable.

Other acceptable choices, in my opinion:

Anderson Cooper — See above, re gray hair and knowledgeable. Good personality.

Katie Couric — Another good news-type person who is undeniably fun.

Kelly Ripa — A stretch, perhaps, but workable.

Aisha Tyler — Did you know Aisha Tyler has an IQ of 154? I mean, she’s qualified for other reasons, but I like knowing the host might be smarter than any of the contestants.

Various Dan Patrick types — Tall dudes with authoritative voices who we have grown used to seeing on television, etc.

That feels like a good place to start. I still think Jennings or Burton is the correct play, and Jennings does appear to have the inside track on account of him coming on as a producer/consultant for the show recently, which seems to imply a torch-passing might have taken place. But who knows? Maybe they’ll want to take a hard left and change things up completely to move on as fast as possible. I would hate this, and I suspect most of the viewers at home would, too. But my stance on matters like this remains “if you’re going to be bad, at least be hilarious about it,” which gets me to this: Jeopardy host Tracy Morgan.

Something to consider.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — The Christmas content machine is out of control and I love it

There was a time, not unreasonably long ago, maybe five years, back that Christmas movies were almost exclusively the domain of the Hallmark and Lifetime channels. Yes, there were reruns of holidays classics on other cable channels, and, yes, there were a handful of new studio releases, but even those were kind of dwindling. What’s the last true, original classic Christmas movie that came out in a theater? Probably Elf, right? Well, that was 2003, almost 20 years ago. And with Hallmark and Lifetime cranking out a few dozen every year, they were basically running unopposed in the race for Christmas dominance.

Well, no more. Streaming services are throwing their bright red Santa hats in the ring, too. In a big way. Look at the trailer at the top of this section, for a movie titled Happiest Season that comes to Hulu this Thanksgiving. We’ve got Kristen Stewart and Mackenzie David in a queer holiday comedy that also features Alison Brie and Dan Levy and Aubrey Plaza and Victor Garber and freaking Mary Steenburgen. Look at that cast. The trailer even looks good, which I say as someone who usually thinks trailers stink. This is not your usual Hallmark-y “a big city TV reporter gets stuck in a small town after a blizzard and learns the meaning of Christmas from the hunky local woodworker” movie. This is a big deal.

And look at Netflix. Netflix is cranking out a slew of Christmas stuff. We talked about the Dolly Parton Christmas Carol movie a few weeks ago, the one where Christine Baranski fulfills her destiny by finally playing Scrooge. But there’s also this.

There’s a lot to love here, starting with the fact that the movie is a sequel to 2018’s The Princess Switch and it is titled The Princess Switch: Switched Again. Just perfect. And then there’s the description that I have lifted directly from the film’s Wikipedia page.

The story follows Margaret Delacourt, the Duchess of Montenaro, who suddenly inherits the throne to her home country of Montenaro. As her Christmas coronation approaches, she and Stacy switch places once again so Margaret can fix her relationship with Stacy’s friend Kevin. Unbeknownst to both women, a third look-alike, Margaret’s wicked cousin Lady Fiona, disguises herself as Margaret in a scheme to steal the throne.

The streamers are here to crash the Christmas content party, and they have a bunch of big stars and wicked cousins with them. It’s a whole thing. Please make a note.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Hey look, a television show and a movie for me

The first thing you need to know is that the screencap above features Sam Richardson in the television show Detroiters, which was very good and was canceled after two seasons, which I’m still angry about. The second thing you need to know is that the universe appears to be trying to make it up to me with an upcoming series from Apple that is being produced by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, who have a very solid batting average when it comes to producing things I enjoy.

“The Afterparty” is an eight-episode murder-mystery comedy set at a high school reunion afterparty. Each episode will feature a retelling of the same night told through a different character’s perspective, each with its own unique visual format and film genre to match the teller’s personality.

I love big huge high-concept swings and Apple has done a surprisingly good job with comedies out of the gate between Mythic Quest and Ted Lasso, so this is already intriguing. And look at the cast, bullet points and character descriptions via the press release.

• Tiffany Haddish as ‘Detective Danner,’ the eccentric detective assigned to solve the high-profile case
• Sam Richardson as ‘Aniq,’ a loveable escape room designer who hopes to reconnect with his high school crush, Zoe.
• Zoë Chao as ‘Zoe,’ a former artist turned school administrator who is newly separated from her high school sweetheart
• Ben Schwartz as ‘Yasper,’ Aniq’s relentlessly positive best friend who dreams of a career in music
• Ike Barinholtz as ‘Brett,’ Zoe’s ex-husband, an arrogant, former high school athlete
• Ilana Glazer as ‘Chelsea,’ the former high school valedictorian and class president
• Dave Franco as ‘Xavier,’ once a dorky high school drama student, now a famous pop star and actor
• Jamie Demetriou as ‘Walt,’ ignored throughout high school, Walt attends the reunion with hopes to be remembered
• John Early as ‘Detective Culp,’ Detective Danner’s overly-eager partner.

Yes. Yes, I can dig that. I have no idea if the show will be any good, but you’d have a hard time doing much better on paper without a phrase like “and a troublemaking beagle voiced by Paul Rudd.” Good job, everyone.

And there’s more. Look at this description of an upcoming movie called Nobody with Bob Odenkirk, Saul from Better Call Saul and one-half of the legendary Mr. Show operation.

[Odenkirk] becomes an improbable action star in the Universal thriller Nobody (out Feb. 19), playing Hutch Mansell, an unassuming family man who cowers and folds during a home invasion. His post-traumatic shame disorder reignites a long-cooled fire within, and he summons a secret lethal skill set for a revenge mission, only to see it backfire spectacularly and put his family in greater jeopardy.

And it gets better. Nobody was written by Derek Kolstad (who wrote John Wick) and will be produced by David Leitch (who directed Atomic Blonde and John Wick and Deadpool 2) and will co-star RZA (who is RZA). Again, this could all play out in any direction from here, but it’s a heck of a place to start. I will almost definitely see this movie.

Also, and let’s call this one a bonus throw-in, here is the one-line description of an upcoming Netflix movie starring Millie Bobby Brown.

In Damsel, Brown will play Princess Elodie, who thinks she is marrying Prince Henry, only to find out that she is being sacrificed to a dragon.

I mean, who among us, right?

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — No

Well, here’s a tweet.

Absolutely not.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Larry David is exactly the way you think he is

There’s a profile of Cazzie David in the Los Angeles Times this week. Cazzie David is a writer who has a new collection of essays coming out and is also the daughter of Larry David, a person you may be familiar with from being a pillar of American comedy for like 30 years now. The profile is interesting. It gets into Cazzie David’s apparently inherited anxiety issues and the self-worth problems children of very successful parents often deal with and her difficult breakup with Pete Davidson right before he started dating Ariana Grande. This last part is where we pick up the story. Cazzie David had a tough go of it in the immediate aftermath and her father… well, her father is still extremely Larry David at all times.

She was devastated. On the plane to her sister’s college graduation, David was held by her dad as she “shook uncontrollably in his arms for the entire flight.” She curled up in the hotel’s bathroom, crying and sucking on her weed pens. She woke up “screaming in agony,” her dad pulling her from the bed to stop her spiraling.

“CAZZIE, COME ON!” Larry David told her. “YOUR ANCESTORS SURVIVED THE HOLOCAUST!”

You can picture him saying this, right? Not, like, hypothetically picture it. I mean you have this image, with audio, running crystal clear in your brain right now. I know I do. I can even see his face doing the exasperated Larry David thing. It’s somehow comforting to know he’s always like this.

ITEM NUMBER SIX — Leta rules

This video went viral as hell this week, and with good reason. It features clips from interviews done by a Nebraska television personality named Leta Powell Drake. The interviews are all from the 1970s and 1980s and include celebrities of the era like Telly Savalas and Roy Schneider and show Leta Powell Drake asking them all a series of questions ranging from silly to weird to straight-up awkward. My favorite one is her asking Elliott Gould — who, against staggering odds, has been an important part of two viral videos in the last month, with the other being the celebrity basketball game against Michael Jordan — if he regretted not doing the M.A.S.H. television show because everyone involved made a lot of money. It’s great. More interviews should be like this.

Anyway, as I was watching the video the first time through, I got this overwhelming sense that this lady had to be a fascinating character. Had to be. You can’t be this interesting in one aspect of your life and not in any others. So, I went to her Wikipedia page and I am pleased to report that I was correct. Some highlights:

• Began her career in 1956 as began as “the ‘Bingo Girl’ on a live Bingo program”
• “Has been inducted into the Nebraska Broadcasters Hall of Fame and the Nebraska Press Women’s Hall of Fame”
• “Is a licensed private pilot”
• “Is one of the creators of the Star City Holiday Parade”
• “Has won city championships in horseshoe pitching, golf, and bowling”

That’s a heck of a life. I don’t know if this is weird, but I think I’m most impressed by the thing where she created a parade. I don’t think it would ever dawn on me to create a parade. I’m not sure I even fully grasped that parades are created by, like, people. I just always thought of them as things that happened and never put any more thought into it. Imagine waking up one day and deciding to throw a whole-ass parade and actually following through with it to the degree it becomes an annual event. Imagine having “created a parade” on your Wikipedia page. All the other stuff is impressive, please don’t mistake me, but that’s the one that’s bending my brain. Leta rules, present tense, because she is still alive and giving interviews about going viral. Let’s throw her a damn parade.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Greg:

I come to you for this because I don’t know where else to go, and because you seem like a good source of information. I’ve been following the news like everyone else for the last few weeks. It seems like every two of three days there’s a new insane story coming out of Pennsylvania. There was the stuff with Elmo and Gritty leading the celebrations after the election. There was the Four Seasons Landscaping debacle. There was the thing about a white politician pretending to be black gay man on Twitter and then Patti LaBelle’s nephew got involved somehow. I’ve seen you tweeting about all of these things and you seem to have your finger on the pulse of the state so I’ll just come out and ask: What is going on with Pennsylvania?

Greg, this is a good email. And it brings up an important point that I need to stress to you and everyone reading this in the strongest terms possible: Pennsylvania is very weird.

Some of that is just a matter of geography. Any state that contains rabid Eagles fans and an entire subculture of dudes riding four-wheelers through a city and, like, the Amish has by nature a hell of a range. Philadelphia itself is especially weird. When the Eagles played in the Super Bowl a couple years back, city officials spent hours greasing downtown light poles to try to prevent drunken goofs from scaling them and injuring themselves, and it backfired because the drunken goofs saw it as a challenge. The city has long had a tough reputation, and please do insert here the “they threw snowballs at Santa” story that everyone brings up, but it’s nice to see the tide turning a bit to acknowledge that the city is more a bunch of mischievous rascals than dangerous goons. Also, that Santa had it coming. Look it up.

To answer your question… I don’t know. Pennsylvania is kind of always like this. We’re not as weird as, say, Florida, but we’re much weirder and more fun than I think most people realize. We had a huge scandal a few years ago that involved online pornography and resulted in two of our Supreme Court justices resigning. Our Lieutenant Governor is a tatted-up 6’8 progressive icon who lives in a converted car dealership and looks like he plays bass in a metal band that once opened for Metallica. We get in heated arguments about which gas station has the best hoagies. It’s a lot. It also explains why I am the way I am, I think.

In summation, as always, Go Birds.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Texas!

Fort Worth coffee shop Ampersand is on the hunt for a fiddle leaf fig tree that was brazenly stolen by a customer in the middle of the day.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a broad daylight tree heist. That’s one of those sentences you never fully expect to type in your life. I’m very pleased I got to do it, though. My job is very silly and weird and I do not especially love trying to explain it to a well-meaning stranger who asks what I do for a living, but I assure you I do not take it for granted. Especially now. Especially given what I’m about to show you.

After looking around furtively, she grabs the tree by the trunk, pulling it out of its pot, and absconds with it. The entire episode takes about two seconds.

I imagine you read those sentences and thought something like “Hmm, I wonder why they’re writing about it like they’re watching it happen, almost like there’s a video of the theft somewhere.”

Folks, there is a video. Posted by the store. On their TikTok. Set to music.

Ahahahaha

Ahahahahahahahaha

AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

She really did just run off with that tree. Right there in front of God and the other customers and the damn security cameras. What a maniac. I hope she didn’t even plan it. I hope she just looked at the tree and then looked at the door and said “I can make it” to herself, preferably out loud. She had to bring it all the way home. And now she just has the tree. People probably ask her where she got it. There’s a very real chance she gets arrested in the near future and ends up having to explain this to people. How she stole a tree. I’m kind of proud of her, but also terrified of her. I hope she has hundreds of stolen houseplants, too.

“It’s so random, but so funny at the same time,” Ampersand operating partner Toan Luong told the Fort Worth Star Telegram. “We’re just trying to make the best of the situation honestly. We had that plant since we began the shop. That’s why it’s so significant for us.”

Okay, let’s get these people their tree back. Let’s maybe steal it back, though. A full-on operation with night-vision goggles and grappling hooks and everything. It’s been too long since my beloved gold bucket heist. I need this in my life right now. Please, help me.

Hip-hop is moving as fast as ever. Luckily, we’re here to put the best music in one place for you. The UPROXX team will always be on that job, but this is my last time personally crafting the roundup, as I’ll be moving on from UPROXX for other endeavors. I’ve had fun writing this roundup for the past couple of years, and I hope I put some readers on to some dope artists along the way. Actually, I hope people appreciated my contributions in general to the site. Anyways, this week, there were new videos from Young Dolph and Key Glock, Rico Nasty, Boogie and Courtney Bell, MadeinTYO, Nav and Lil Baby, There was also new music from Run The Jewels, and Drakeo The Ruler. Here’s the best of the rest:

Aesop Rock — Spirit World Field Guide

Aesop Rock is back with another surreal lyrical journey called Spirit World Field Guide, a 21-track album that parallels his recent experiences as an international traveler with the ostracization many artists feel from modern society.

Blac Youngsta — F*ck Everybody 3

Right on the heels of his collab project with Moneybagg Yo, Blac Youngsta dropped F*ck Everybody 3, another gritty project with a title that’s belied by a star-studded tracklist of artists like Lil Baby, DaBaby, Swae Lee, Yo Gotti, and Lil Durk.

Casanova — “Virgil” Feat. Ugly God & Duke Deuce

If you needed a new one for the gym playlist, Casanova and Duke Deuce have you covered. The two ever-invigorated MCs teamed up with Ugly God for a characteristically in-your-face banger paying subtle homage to Virgil Abloh.

Connis — Waited All Summer For The Weekend

Cambridge, MA born, newly New Orleans-based MC Connis released his 5-track Waited All Summer For The Weekend EP this week. He beat the Friday rush with a reflective, melodic project that makes one long for the lazy days of July.

DJ Kayslay — “Rolling 50 Deep” Feat. 50 MCs

There are hip-hop vets, then there’s someone like DJ Kayslay, who’s literally a hip-hop lifer. He’s developed relationships with a who’s who of MCs in his sprawling DJ career, which allows him to pull off flexes like “Rolling 50 Deep,” where he lets 50 spitters go crazy over an urgent Rocky-sampling beat. Good luck arguing “who got who” on this one.

French Montana — “Wave Blues” Feat. Benny The Butcher

French Montana’s Coke Boys 5 is on the way. The Bronx MC offered up another sample of what to expect on “Wave Blues,” where he trade bars with Benny The Butcher, who delivers a typically impeccable verse.

K Camp — “Genuine Love”

K Camp dropped some universally-relatable bars about phony friends on “Genuine Love,” where he bemoans that he’s“surrounded by the fake, I’m just lookin for that genuine love.”

K’Ron – “My Spot” Feat. Lil Keed & Lian Rich

DMV artist K’ron recently collaborated with Lil Keed and Lian Rich on “My Spot,” a flirty track where the three artists deliver melodic verses over a warm soundscape.

Thirteen — “Fight” Feat. Cypress Hill

Pharoahe Monch, Jack White drummer Daru Jones and guitarist Marcus Machado are Thirteen. They recently collaborated with Cypress Hill on “Fight,” a resolute protest track that condemns the system and the “murderers of Ferguson.”

Rod Wave — “All Week”

The pandemic has slowed the concert scene to a standstill — unless you’re like Rod Wave. He reflected on his road schedule and torrential work ethic on “All Week.” He paired the song with a video that shows him and his team during road life, demonstrating that for better or worse, some people are still out grinding.

Salaam Remi — “No Peace” Feat. Black Thought, Busta Rhymes, Doug E. Fresh & Mumu Fresh

Salaam Remi is working on an album entitled Black On Purpose and debuted the first single this week. The fiery “No Peace,” featuring Busta Rhymes and Black Though, is a protest song in a year loaded with necessary, galvanizing demonstrations against police brutality and other societal scourges.

Sheff G — “Lights On””

Brooklyn’s Sheff G dropped off a new single this week. He shows off his melodic flow over a menacing Great John production. The self-edited video shows Sheff and his crew having fun on a private jet.

Wale & DJ Money — “Lions, Bengals, Bears”

Did you know that Wale played college football at Robert Morris University? He paid homage to his previous endeavor via the medium that brought him worldwide fame on his recent “Lions, Bengals, Bears” track, where he reels off clever football wordplay and surmises, “The thing I love about football is that stats kill opinions.”

Wiz Khalifa Feat. Empire Of The Sun— “The Thrill”

If you enjoy Wiz Khalifa’s rendition of Australian band Empire Of The Sun’s 2009 “The Thrill” song, thank the fan at the “low key college show” that he recalls suggesting he remix the track. Wiz imbued the feel-good song with his easygoing presence, asking valid questions: “All this money darlin’ what else is left to do / but smoke and enjoy my Presidential view?”

Wheezy — “Guillotine” Feat. Future & Yo Gotti

Future and Yo Gotti traded boastful bars over hypnotic Wheezy synths on “Guillotine,” a track from the upcoming True To The Game 2 soundtrack.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Indiana is, arguably, where Victor Oladipo’s career turned around. Prior to that, he’d disappointed during his first few years in Orlando, then followed that up with underwhelming season in OKC before being traded to the Pacers for Paul George. The very next season, he became a first-time All-Star and one of the league’s up-and-coming talents.

Things haven’t gone so smoothly since. He suffered a quad injury in early 2019 that kept him out for a full year and hasn’t been able to fully get back to form since. Now, it looks like Oladipo’s time with the Pacers could be coming to an end, if not this summer, then the next he would become a free agent.

Apparently, Oladipo has made no secret about his preference to get out of Indiana. According to the latest reports, Oladipo asked multiple players from different teams during games last season if he could come and join forces with them, within earshot of his current Pacers teammates.

Via J. Michael of The Indianapolis Star:

It happened vs. the Toronto Raptors. It happened vs. the Miami Heat. It happened vs. the New York Knicks.

“Can I come play with y’all?” Or some iteration of that puzzling statement.

That’s what Victor Oladipo said — in front of Indiana Pacers teammates — increasing the agitation with the star guard in the locker room, three league sources with direct knowledge of the situation told IndyStar. Aaron Turner, Oladipo’s agent, didn’t respond to requests for comment.

It remains unclear, however, whether Oladipo will be with the Pacers next, or for how long. He has one year left on his contract and would become a free agent next summer, after declining his player option for this season. Indiana is reportedly entertaining offers, but could still wait for the trade deadline to make a final decision, which would give Oladipo an opportunity to prove he can get back somewhere near All-Star form and help drive up his trade value.

The fear, of course, is that it might never happen, as Oladipo never resembled his former self this season after he returned. The situation with Oladipo could go on for several months if the team does decide to keep him, and his play will largely determine what the future looks like.

(The Indianapolis Star)

Following her contentious divorce from Johnny Depp and accusations of domestic violence against the actor, Amber Heard has been the repeated target of social media campaigns demanding that Warner Bros. recast her role of Mera in Aquaman 2. These efforts reached a crescendo after Depp lost his libel lawsuit against The Sun when a judge ruled that it was “substantially true” when the British tabloid labeled him a “wife beater.” That decision prompted Warner Bros. to immediately force Depp to resign from Fantastic Beasts 3, which led to his fans demanding Heard suffer a similar fate.

However, Heard has since confirmed that she is locked in for Aquaman 2 and is “so excited” to film the underwater adventure sometime in 2021. She also took a moment to shoot down the online efforts to have her booted from the sequel. Via Entertainment Weekly:

“Paid rumors and paid campaigns on social media don’t dictate [casting decisions] because they have no basis in reality,” Heard added. “Only the fans actually made Aquaman and Aquaman 2 happen. I’m excited to get started next year.”

Rejoining Heard for the Aquaman sequel is Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, who’s coming off the white-hot success of HBO’s Watchmen and Netflix’s The Trial Of The Chicago 7. Mateen played the classic villain Black Manta in the first Aquaman movie, and he told Uproxx that he’s fully onboard with Aquaman 2 when it gets up and running. “Black Manta will be back,” Mateen said. “And hopefully, he’ll be causing a lot more trouble than he did in the first one.”

(Via Entertainment Weekly)

According to a new report from TMZ, the fight between the crews of King Von and Quando Rondo in Atlanta that led to Von’s shooting was prompted by Von’s crew and Rondo’s was acting in self-defense. A source told TMZ that Rondo was taking a nap in a car outside the lounge where the shooting took place, while video of the incident appears to show Von instigating the initial fistfight.

In the video, Von can be seen throwing punches at members of Rondo’s crew, while TMZ’s source says that Rondo was woken by the commotion and believed his life was in danger. Furthermore, police say that Von was shot during the initial shooting and was already injured by the time two off-duty officers nearby opened fire at the group in response to the first shots. A member of Rondo’s crew was arrested for felony murder, while the rapper himself is not currently under investigation. According to XXL, Timothy Leeks was arrested at the hospital being treated for injuries sustained during the shooting.

Rondo says he feels terrible about the situation, although neither crew has had contact with the other in the week since the incident. Von had just put out his second project of the year, Welcome To O-Block, a week before his death.

When the Life section was handing out assignments, yours truly somehow got stuck with ranking the (ever-changing) Taco Bell menu. Maybe it’s because I have taco-judging experience, I don’t know. I’m not sure that my expertise was any real asset here. In any case, I mention this to say that I’m pretty well-versed in Mexican food, on both sides of the border. That being said, I’m not going to get into a whole thing bashing Taco Bell for not being “real Mexican food.” It’s not 1974, I think we’re all well aware of that by now.

Sometimes you want Mexican food, other times you want Taco Bell. Chipotle is the same.

Neither am I advocating that you go out and eat fast food every day. Even putting aside the potential health effects, I’d much rather everyone support their locals rather than the big chains — if only to maintain diversity in the foodservice ecosystem. We don’t want the world turning into Demolition Man, where the only restaurant left is Taco Bell. (You sort of have to give the company credit for allowing themselves to get clowned in a Sylvester Stallone movie though, don’t you? That was a pretty cool move, for a corporation).

Bottom line, there’s probably going to come a time in your life — be it on a road trip or drunk at 3 am — when Taco Bell is the best of the options available. For those times, allow me to be your zesty beef Sherpa, guiding you on a magical journey through the Taco Bell menu in the hopes of helping you make your best ordering decision.

A Note On Methodology

Every Taco Bell locaish has a slightly different menu, so I just ordered from the closest one to my house. People talk about “McDonald’s” or “In-N-Out” as if they’re monoliths, but they all vary from location to location, even shift to shift. I frequently choose certain In-N-Out locations over others because I’m convinced one has crispier fries, better-seasoned beef, or whatever. Automated as it is, it does still come down to humans preparing, or at least assembling, your food. I don’t know how you account for that in a ranking, so I didn’t attempt to. I also skipped the sides and the meat variations — no chicken or steak.

Taco Bell seems to have drastically cut down on those anyway.

I tried to order roughly one of everything, save sides. I did tacos on the first day, burritos and special items (nachos, crunch wraps) on the second day, and breakfast on the third (I had to go to a different location for that one, and, to be honest, I think it was a lot worse than the first). It cost approximately $63 in total. Most items I only took a few bites of, because I’m not trying to eat 18 menu items in three sittings. I mean sure, I’ll willingly give myself diarrhea for you people but I still have my limits.

After three days of this, I did start to experience a little of what Morgan Spurlock described in Supersize Me. I’d overeat, then feel bad afterward, and oddly empty after that. By the third day, I’d developed a mild but palpable dependency, where I could sense my body asking me expectantly, “Hey, so are we having Taco Bell today?” like my dog sitting by the door when he wants a walk.

PART I — The Sauces

4. Mild

Worthless. Why?

3. Hot

It’s fine. Doesn’t really add enough heat or flavor, in my opinion. It’s just kind of there.

2. Diablo

I like the heat, but they overdo it on the smokey chipotle flavor a bit, for me. It’s a bit much, but great if you need to drown out the flavor of something else.

1. Fire

Hot, tangy, slightly sweet, but not overpowering in terms of either flavor or heat. The only sauce you need, really.

PART II — The Menu

18. AM Crunch Wrap

First thing I notice here is the size and shape. This crunch wrap fits in the palm of my hand. I have above average palm size but still… something seems off here.

Biting into it, and… nah.

This is strange for me to say, because this would’ve been my choice as number 1 menu item if I hadn’t actually ordered and tasted everything else. In fact, I named it my favorite new fast food item of the year back in 2016.

I think this particular one just might be a dud. It’s all full of bacon and sauce, and the bacon part is weird because I didn’t order it like that, it just came that way, which may be a quirk of the online ordering system I used. I definitely don’t need this much bacon in a fast-food breakfast item. Fast food is already a sodium bomb, bacon just fouls the proportions.

Anyway, the hashbrowns — at least 85% of the reason I liked this item — are smooshed flat inside, which ruins both the interior texture and the exterior crunch. I took two bites of this just to be thorough and then put it back in the bag. Then after it sat for a minute or two I snuck another bite. This is a weird effect fast food has, where you feel strangely compelled to take a new bite in order to cleanse yourself of the previous bite. It’s a vicious circle.

17. Hash Brown Toasted Breakfast Burrito

This is… very dry. Are the hashbrowns in this even hashbrowns? I’m pretty sure these are some kind of seasoned steak fries. I don’t see steak fries anywhere on the menu but I’m fairly certain of it. The potato is simultaneously overseasoned, not crunchy, and mealy-dry in the middle. It also apparently comes with sausage, even though, again, the online menu didn’t say it had sausage. The sausage is… okay, I guess. Kind of the most flavorful part in fact, but the eggs look like those crappy powdered eggs. I’m speculating here, but they have that light yellow, overly homogenous look to them.

This is still edible, but basically useless without fire sauce. With fire sauce, it is minimally passable. It offers the basic semblance of a breakfast burrito.

16. Doritos Locos Taco

I like that this one comes in a little taco holder to keep my fingers from getting too cheesy. I’ve always said, Cheetos should have one of those plastic gloves Subway sandwich artists use built into the bag.

First bite, no sauce: too much flavor. It’s not terrible, it’s just… too many things happening. It’s like eating overseasoned french fries. The fire sauce can’t really save this one either because it has too many flavors to begin with so adding another doesn’t really solve anything.

Update: I actually inhaled a crispy nacho cheese fragment that lodged in my windpipe while I was typing this. I don’t recommend that. It’s even worse than a regular tortilla fragment (and I admit that I accidentally inhale food shards probably more than is normal). Oh God, I am in agony.

15. Bean Burrito

True story, my wife (MAH WAHFE) loves these. I like, in theory, that there’s a lot of sauce and onions, but… honestly, this doesn’t do much for me. The sauce tastes too processed in some ineffable way, like a TV dinner. I think enjoying these might be a force-of-habit kind of thing. She also likes that Aunt Jemima stuff better than real maple syrup, but we still love each other.

One bed, separate syrups.

14. Soft Taco Supreme

No sauce: Meh. Fine. Kinda cheesy-nothing flavor. Not unpleasant but I wouldn’t go out of my way for it.

With Fire sauce: Definitely a huge improvement.

With Diablo sauce: Same, but much smokier. Diablo sauce is still a bit overpowering for me. It’s good but it also kind of tastes like heartburn.

Anyway, overall it takes too long to get to the sour cream in one of these, and not enough tomatoes.

13. Beefy 5-Layer Burrito

(I think? A few of the burritos were so similar that I might have confused them for each other)

I don’t hate this, but I feel like it has too many elements for a Taco Bell item. Overall, Taco Bell items seem better when they stick to the basics — tortilla, lettuce, beef, cheese, and to a lesser extent, beans. More than that and there’s too much variation. Diminishing returns.

I don’t even know what all this has in it but I know that there’s too much of it.

12. Quesarito

It’s… fine. It’s like a mix between a quesadilla and bean burrito (duh). Dull but inoffensive. I know I’m probably alone on this but I think there is a point at which you can have too much cheese.

11. Nachos Bellgrande

This was my go-to back in high school when I actually used to eat at Taco Bell on the reg. In my hometown, there was so little to do that we once got drunk in all the fast-food joint bathrooms. At Taco Bell we stole a metal chair and tied it to the back of my car and used it to take out mailboxes like a weed whacker. Somehow we managed to not get arrested. I digress.

The pros are that Nachos Bell Grande has everything you want from Taco Bell, plus extra crunch and nacho cheese in every bite (well, almost, depending on the cheese distribution). The downside is that as an adult I don’t have many opportunities to have a sit-down dinner at Taco Bell. Nachos are not a great thing to try to eat while you’re driving. Additionally, I’m not sure that having all the ingredients of a Taco Bell taco or burrito just laid out in front of you is the best way to appreciate Taco Bell, visually. I tend to think their taco fillings are best when they’re partially hidden inside a taco or burrito.

10. Crunchy Taco Supreme

I learned my lesson on the soft taco supreme and made sure to get sour cream in my first bite this time. I picked it up and looked to see which end had the most visible sour cream and bit that end first. That’s a veteran move right there. Tasting this now though, I actually think the sour cream and tomatoes dilute the nice flavor combination that the plain crunchy taco has.

A “be careful what you wish for”-situation. It’s fine though. …I guess it’s great if you really like sour cream.

9. Burrito Supreme

This feels like a slightly better version of the Taco Supreme. The sour cream works better here, for whatever reason. I do miss the crunch of the crunchy taco though.

8. Cheesy Gordita Crunch

This is a fun one. The stock version comes with some kind of zesty white sauce pre-applied. It’s an interesting change-up, and the gordita wrapping has its merits. But again, I think the extra sponge of the gordita detracts from the nice crunch of the plain taco. The added bread deadens the crunch and added cheese mutes the flavors a bit.

The white sauce is a lateral move at best.

7. Grande Toasted Breakfast Burrito

I don’t know why, but the hashbrowns in this one seem completely different than in the hashbrown toasted breakfast burrito. These are much more hashbrowny, which is to say that I’m fairly certain that these are actual hashbrowns and the other ones weren’t. Which is great. It also has bacon (which again, I didn’t see on the online menu when I ordered but… okay). There isn’t much bacon in there, which is great, actually. Just a hint of bacon flavor is kind of what I wanted here. I don’t know that I’d ever seek out Taco Bell over other breakfast burrito options, but this is a perfectly cromulent breakfast burrito. It has eggs, cheese, hashbrowns, and they grilled the tortilla.

Throw some Fire sauce on that bad boy and you got yourself a snacc.

6. Chalupa Supreme

The chalupa doesn’t quite have the crunch of the plain crunchy taco, but I really like the flavor of the chalupa shell. It’s definitely bringing something that the gordita isn’t. The sponge of the gordita is nice but it’s really the parts where it hits the grill/oil that make it work — that contrast between the sponge and crisp. We love fried dough, don’t we folks? Tremendous.

Tough to choose between this and the plain crunchy taco — the chalupa is a lot more bread. It feels heavier.

5. Black Bean Crunch Wrap

Honestly… pretty solid. A weirdly nice combination of things. I can’t tell what all is inside there, but I like the crunchy corn shell/grilled flour wrapping combination a lot. And then there’s a nice creamy mix of sauce/beans/stuff on the inside, with some shredded lettuce to add a little freshness. And thanks to the lack of meat product, it isn’t too salty like a lot of these menu items.

I dunno, I was pretty skeptical, but I like it.

4. Black Bean Toasted Cheddar Chalupa

This shell — a chalupa with crispy cheese grilled/baked into the shell, is shockingly successful. It’s kind of hitting on all cylinders for me. The cheddar chalupa shell feels basically like the Doritos Locos Taco version 2.0. The Doritos Locos shell was like a stunt, this feels like they worked out the bugs — they kept the crunchy-cheese part that was good and did away with all the extra seasonings that clashed with the taco filling. I’m a sucker for grilled crispy cheese.

Beans as a taco filling feels slightly dull, but as far as vegetarian options at fast food joints go, you could do a lot worse than this.

3. Toasted Cheddar Chalupa

I’m… honestly slightly ashamed at how much I enjoyed this one. They really amped up the crunch of the regular chalupa and added that umami crunchy cheese factor. Nicely done. I could’ve done with less sour cream, but it doesn’t bother me as much as it did in other items. The sour cream tends to soften the other flavors, but the cheddar chalupa shell compensates for it better.

I’d order light or no sour cream if I had it to do over again.

2. Crunch Wrap Supreme

I have to hand it to the Taco Bell food lab, they really did get the best of the crunchy taco and burrito into a single item with this one. The proportions are spot on. I generally enjoy gorditas, but the grilled flour tortilla-crunchy corn tortilla combination works better than the gordita-corn shell combo, I think. This was slightly less filled than the Black Bean version, and it’s hard to say which one I like better. They’re both very good. Also, it should be noted, this crunch wrap does not fit in the palm of my hand like the breakfast one (it also came from a different Taco Bell location).

1. Crunchy Taco

Yes, believe it or not, the bone stock crunchy taco was my favorite. I’m honestly not trying to be a purist or a contrarian here, there’s just something to be said for the simplicity of this one. There’s something magical that happens when you combine the crunchy shell, the fresh lettuce, the meat, and the cheese that ends up being more than the sum of its parts. It’s more about the proportions than any one element. There are two different kinds of crunch — the shell and the lettuce — a sprinkling of cheese in an amount that adds to rather than detracts from the other elements, and a restrained amount of seasoned beef. I’m definitely going to drown it in fire sauce, but pretty solid all around.

I also have a vivid memory of eating crunchy tacos the first time I ever got really stoned in San Louis Obispo, when I could separate and enjoy all the different flavors in my mouth. That sense memory may contribute to my enjoyment of this one.

COVID-19 continues to devastate here in the U.S., with rising case numbers, short-staffed hospitals, and hundreds of thousands of Americans losing their lives to the pandemic within the past few months. Now that we seem to be entering a second wave of the pandemic, it’s more important than ever to take the necessary precautions — think social distancing, masks, and, if you’re the president of the United States, avoiding holding mass rallies to indulge the ego.

Dozens of members in Trump’s circle are currently quarantined with the virus, including White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows and campaign adviser Corey Lewandowski but while his administration flouts CDC protocols, it seems those in charge of keeping the president and his cronies safe are the ones who are suffering for it. The Washington Post reports that over 130 Secret Service agents within Trump’s own detail have now fallen ill with COVID. The agents, many of whom accompanied Trump on pre-election rallies, represent 10% of the agency’s total staff — a huge blow especially following Trump’s earlier rallies this summer that sidelined dozens of agents.

According to The Post, the agency is still working to ascertain whether agents contracted the virus only at these rallies, where they were in charge of screening attendees and securing perimeters, or whether The White House has become a new COVID-19 hotspot, seeing as many staffers refuse to wear masks while on duty.

Because the secret service is now operating understaffed — the agency normally employs 1,300 agents to guard the president, vice president, and White House staff in residence and on trips — there are concerns that security breaches may be more likely. And it’s not just Trump’s team that might be in danger because of this outbreak. There are reports that because of the president’s refusal to facilitate a smooth transition of power, President-Elect Joe Biden and his team haven’t been offered the standard number of secret service agents.

Obviously, Twitter is pissed about this news — and rightly so.

As hospitals near capacity across the country and we tip the scales at 152,000 cases reported in a single day, this probably goes without saying but we’re going to say it anyway: Wear a mask.