It takes a big person to admit that “human boil” Ted Cruz has bested you at anything besides high-tailing it out of the country and leaving your constituents to freeze, but Jimmy Kimmel is nothing if not magnanimous. On Tuesday, the late night host addressed the status of his latest Twitter war with Donald Trump’s favorite doormat, who called Kimmel a “tough guy” and a “punk.”
.@JimmyKimmelLive keeps talking crap. Really tough guy.
Here’s a reminder, when we played one-on-one, I kicked his ass. He has to live with that…forever.
Rematch, punk?https://t.co/t8O0QCEaYS https://t.co/AltnpM2Lib
— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) May 25, 2021
First, Kimmel gave some background into what had ticked Ted off this time:
“So last night on the show I mentioned the fact that Ted Cruz got some flak for being stupid. He mocked an ad for the Army that featured a female soldier who was raised by two moms. He called our military ‘woke’ and ‘emasculated,’ which I pointed out—fairly, I thought—is funny coming from a guy who let Donald Trump use his testicles on the driving range. I mean look, he was Trump’s Theon Greyjoy, ok? And I guess that struck a nerve.”
It did and apparently is what prompted Cruz to bring up the time he actually beat Kimmel in a charity basketball competition. So Kimmel responded in the only logical way:
Oh Ted… you get so sad after you masturbate. https://t.co/8fxCzUNwqg
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) May 25, 2021
Putting aside the fact that the game in question took place nearly three years ago, Kimmel admitted that it is an embarrassing thing he’ll have to live with. But then, addressing Cruz directly, he noted that, “You have to live with being Ted Cruz forever, which is so much worse.” Yet Kimmel also admitted that “neither one of us had anything to be proud of as far as that game was concerned,” adding that:
“[T]his is the most important point, besides the fact that you’re a U.S. senator and a very convincing Grandpa Munster impersonator who we would think has other things to do, but… After you won the game, do you remember what I did? I said, ‘Good game. Thanks,’ and I shook your disgusting hand. I didn’t complain that it was rigged. I didn’t ask for a recount on the referee. I didn’t start a conspiracy theory about the basketball having a microchip in it. I accepted it. I brought shame on my family and I embraced it, as I always do. Listen, it was a terrible day. I lost a basketball game to a man who ate one of his own boogers during a presidential debate.”
You can watch Kimmel’s full clip above, and witness their embarrassing athletic display below.