Month: May 2021

Teyana Taylor has been quiet ever since announcing her plans to retire from music, but fans are about to get an exclusive look at what she’s been up to lately. Taylor and her husband, the basketball player Iman Shumpert, are starring in an upcoming reality TV series about their lives.

Following the release of her standout 2020 LP The Album, Taylor and Shumpert are sharing an honest look at their lives in the E! series We Got Love Iman & Teyana. The show mark their second reality TV series following VH1’s Teyana and Iman, which premiered in 2018 and saw only one season. Now with a new network, the couple are giving an “unfiltered behind-the-scenes look at their lives juggling music, fashion, business and family,” according to E!.

News of the reality TV series arrives shortly after Taylor announced she would be stepping away from her music after feeling “underappreciated” by her label. “Everything that you guys see of me, everything that I put out, everything that I do is like, 100 percent me,” she told her fans in an Instagram Live addressing her retirement. “My thing about it is, there’s no gun to anybody’s head to do anything that they don’t want to do. So yes, I am going to feel underappreciated if I’m putting in 110 percent and my label is giving me, they’re reciprocating what 10 percent of that.”

Time will tell if Taylor is planning to reignite her music career with the upcoming We Got Love Iman & Teyana series, or if she’ll pivot to focus on other aspects of her life. E! has yet to announce a premiere date for the show, but did note that it will arrive some point in 2021.

This week, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) publicly upped the ante in her bizarre beef with Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) with an ugly confrontation in the halls of Congress. As reported by the Washington Post, MJT followed up on her staged photo (where she tried to make it look like the two were chummy) by chasing AOC outside the House chamber and shouting accusations like “Why do you support terrorists and antifa?” AOC threw her hands up in the air and fled, and her spokesperson later called for heightened security.

Marjorie followed up on her obsessive display with a tweet: “Just talked to @AOC again.” She labeled AOC a “chicken” who is “too scared to debate me about your Socialist Green New Deal. You are also a hate-America terrorist sympathizer. #JihadSquad.” As it turns out, this was not the first such incident. As revealed by CNN’s K-File, Marjorie’s obsessive behavior and harassment predated her 2020 congressional election victory. Back in 2019, she visited the congressional offices alongside a man who was spotted at the January 6 insurrection. Marjorie and her cohorts proceeded to stand outside AOC’s locked office, where they taunted her staff:

In the video, from a since-deleted Facebook Live of Greene’s that was saved by CNN’s KFile, Greene tells Ocasio-Cortez to “get rid of your diaper,” referring to the congresswoman’s office as a “day care.” Greene repeatedly indicates throughout her stream that security has been called on them.

“We’re going to go see, we’re going to visit, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Crazy eyes. Crazy eyes. Nutty. Cortez,” Greene says to the camera on the way to the congresswoman’s office, mispronouncing “Ocasio.”

CNN reports that Marjorie and her group leaned into a mail slot while refusing to leave and insisting that they be allowed inside of AOC’s office. This sounds awful:

“Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, I’m an American citizen. I pay your salary through the taxes that you collect for me through the IRS because I’m a taxpaying citizen of the United States,” Greene says, noting elsewhere in the video that members of Congress are “employees” who “work for us.”

“So you need to stop being a baby and stop locking your door and come out and face the American citizens that you serve,” she says. “If you want to be a big girl, you need to get rid of your diaper and come out and be able to talk to the American citizens. Instead of having to use a flap, a little flap. Sad.”

It’s amazing that this was allowed to happen, and for months this year, Greene has pestered AOC on Twitter about wanting to “debate” hover the Green New Deal. AOC simply ignored Marjorie, which was quite amusing at the time, but then we didn’t know the history of Marjorie’s harassment of the progressive socialist congresswoman. Recently, Marjorie even did a self-own by revealing hasn’t even read the 14-page bill, (the Green New Deal), which she’s referred to as a “communists manifesto.”

It’s no wonder that AOC is asking for beefed up security, and it also sounds like time to put a restraining order into effect.

(Via CNN)

Michael Jordan will be in a Space Jam: A New Legacy in some form or fashion. In an interview Don Cheadle gave to Access Hollywood, Cheadle revealed that the star of the original Space Jam is going to appear in the LeBron James-led vehicle, although he was quick to emphasize that Jordan’s cameo might be a little unconventional.

“Michael Jordan is in the movie,” Cheadle says at the 9:02 mark of the above video. “But not in the way you’d expect it.”

James is, of course, going to lead the Tune Squad, while the opposing team is made up of cartoon versions of Anthony Davis, Damian Lillard, Nneka Ogwumike, Diana Taurasi, and Klay Thompson. All of their characters were revealed by the official Space Jam: A New Legacy Twitter account on Thursday, with their team being named the Goon Squad.

As for Jordan, Cheadle is making it sound like he’ll be in the movie in an unusual way, which I really hope means he is in the role that Wayne Knight had in the original. That is assuredly not happening, though, so we’ll have to wait and see exactly what Jordan’s role is going to be when the movie hits theaters and HBO Max on July 16.

(Via IGN)

Welcome back to UPROXX’s Athlete Heat Index, where sports marketing executive and self-described “brand geek” Michael Ehrlich ranks athletes by the strength of their personal brands.

The latest ranking is inspired by the WNBA’s historic 25th season tipping off Friday and explores the top athlete brands heading into the new campaign. Over the last few years, the W’s brand has exploded – through history-defining political and social justice reform – led by athletes who have redefined what it means to be a role model. The momentum around women’s sports overall and the nation-altering impact of WNBA players in particular have made this season the most celebrated and anticipated in recent memory.

Here are five athletes who are case studies for how to build an authentic brand that resonates far beyond their sport.

5. Liz Cambage, Las Vegas Aces

Cambage’s brand ceiling extends even higher than her 6’8 frame. The Australian’s international reach and personal passions have elevated her to the upper echelon of athlete narratives in the W. She has already set herself up for multiple post-playing career paths while still dominating at her All-Star pace; a rarity for any athlete in any sport.

Music has been a key pillar of Cambage’s life since she was a kid and after years exploring the craft, she’s now a major player in the industry. A renowned DJ who has headlined league events, Cambage has performed all over the world (even virtually during the pandemic) and earned a shout out from Drake in his appearance on Travis Scott’s “Sicko Mode.” She already has the equity and authenticity in the space to pursue a long and lucrative career in music once her basketball days are done, if that’s the path she chooses.

Fashion has also been a staple of Cambage’s persona and brand portfolio since she entered the league and this offseason, the IMG-signed model became the first athlete ambassador for Rihanna’s Savage x Fenty line. A massive crossover opportunity from sports to high end fashion, lifestyle, and culture.

Continuing her offseason brand momentum and leading up to her return to the hardwood after a year away, Cambage achieved another first as she became the inaugural WNBA player to join Wilson Sporting Goods’ advisory staff and was the face of the league’s official ball launch, a huge moment for personal brand authentication in a very competitive WNBA athlete landscape. Cambage’s personal brand roadmap is set and by continuing to tap into her passion points, authenticity will always be at the core of her narrative.

4. Candace Parker, Chicago Sky

Parker’s personal brand might be one of the strongest in WNBA history and her continued preparation for her next career — while still playing — is a case study for all athletes.

While dominating in the W the last 13 seasons in Los Angeles (Rookie of the Year, MVP, WNBA Champ, Defensive Player of the Year), Parker was able to leverage her on-court excellence and off-court charisma in a major media market to become one of the W’s top pitchwomen, with longtime partners such as adidas, who created a signature sneaker for the Sparks star. Until Puma signed reigning Finals MVP Breanna Stewart this week, Parker was the last WNBA player to have a signature shoe, a brand-defining accomplishment.

It’s Parker’s work in front of the camera though that sets her brand apart as throughout her career she’s spent her offseasons getting reps as a basketball analyst, signing with Turner to contribute to NBA on TNT, NBA TV, and NCAA Tournament coverage. Some athletes make the move to TV after they retire, but Parker has been able to transition to broadcast while still playing at her elite level.

But she isn’t just contributing to Turner’s broadcasts, she’s standing out in segments with Shaquille O’Neal, breaking down how 3-point shooting has changed the pick-and-roll and hitting jumpers in the studio blowing up on social media. When Parker is on the air, it’s must-see TV and her work in front of the camera has set her up for a long career after basketball.

In a major free agency move this offseason, Parker heads back home to her native Chicago, a great personal brand move to come full circle and close out this chapter where her basketball journey started.

Outside of basketball and broadcasting, Parker made a few other moves that will set up her brand for continued success and relevance even when she hangs up her sneakers. Parker and her daughter became part of the star-studded ownership group of Angel City FC, the Los Angeles-based NWSL team set to join the league in 2022. Gatorade appointed Parker to an advisory board to help drive change for women and girls in sports. This offseason was certainly transitional for Parker but her continued focus on her basketball and broadcast crafts further cement her legacy as one of the league’s all-time greats.

3. Chiney Ogwumike, LA Sparks

Like Parker, Ogwumike has leveraged her stature as a big-name WNBA player to make major moves across the media landscape, culminating this offseason with multiple career-defining projects.

As a full-time and multi-platform commentator for ESPN, Ogwumike recently became the first Black woman to host a national, daily sports-talk radio show. But her media footprint didn’t stop with radio and TV — she added filmmaker and executive producer to her growing off-court resume — when she brought to life the ESPN Films documentary 144, chronicling the historic 2020 WNBA season on and off the court.

Producing this doc, while not being in the WNBA bubble (due to injury) is a testament to Ogwumike’s creativity and media savvy and the project garnered rave reviews for its honest look at how the 144 players inside the bubble overcame unprecedented circumstances and challenges with the pandemic, social injustice, mental health, and motherhood.

Another first this offseason for Ogwumike was her starring role in DoorDash’s “Made by Women” national TV campaign. The last WNBA player to have such a role of this scale was Sue Bird in 2008. Beyond her incredible media and marketing work this offseason, Ogwumike’s social media presence is a case study for all athletes. Very rarely do public figures use just their first name as their social media handle but @Chiney is such a great brand differentiator and builder, especially in sports. Returning to the court and with an incredibly productive offseason behind her, Ogwumike’s brand impact will only continue to rise.

2. Sue Bird, Seattle Storm

The authenticity and longevity of Bird’s brand sets her apart amongst a stacked roster of athletes on this list. Entering her 18th season, the Storm star continues to reinvent herself and further establish her narrative and cultural impact beyond the hardwood.

One of the most decorated players of all-time (4-time champ, 11-time All-Star, 4-time gold medalist), Bird’s resume off the court is as impressive: social activist, style icon, sneakerhead, media mogul, and breakthrough pitchwoman. Her work as VP of the WNBA Players Association fighting for equal pay, gender and LGBTQ+ rights, social justice reform, and being one of the leaders behind the players’ VOTE WARNOCK movement has elevated her beyond the court to icon status.

Bird’s engagement to fellow all-time athlete and activist Megan Rapinoe and their recent cover of GQ’s Modern Lovers issue, accurately positions them as “the most beloved couple in sports.” The duo’s off-court/field brands and passions as changemakers work in perfect tandem, further building their individual and collective legacies, while also leaving a lasting impact across the social and political landscape.

Her recent work in a marketing campaign for Carmax blew up on social media by using misdirection to make a statement about gender bias in sports. The humorous spots featured Bird as the prized endorser with NBA star Stephen Curry taking a backseat to the more decorated basketball legend.

This continued challenge of the status quo mirrors everything Bird represents and was the perfect precursor to her co-founding TOGETHXR — an innovative media brand that elevates women’s voices and stories — with fellow legendary athletes Alex Morgan, Simone Manuel and Chloe Kim. (Side note: Check out Robby Kalland’s incredible interview with TOGETHXR’s Chief Content Officer Jessica Robertson.)

As the defending champ and oldest player in the league, Bird is showing no signs of slowing down both on and off the court. Whenever she does decide to move on from basketball, her cultural impact will no doubt continue.

1. Renee Montgomery, Atlanta Dream

Although she hasn’t seen the hardwood since the 2019 season, Montgomery’s monumental impact off the court this past year easily earned her the top spot on this ranking.

Opting out of the 2020 season to focus on social justice reform, political activism and to fight voter suppression, Montgomery was front and center in the face off against former Dream owner and now-former Georgia senator Kelly Loeffler, who opposed the league’s support of Black Lives Matter.

Among the many drumbeats of Montgomery’s impact, she wrote an open letter to Loeffler, launched her own voting education initiative “Remember the 3rd,” created “The Last Yard” to raise money to improve education at HBCU and joined LeBron James’ “More Than A Vote” campaign, among many other workshops, pep rallies and events. Her tireless work throughout the season clearly influenced Loeffler’s forced sale of the Dream, the November Presidential election, and January Georgia Senate run-off, cementing her legacy beyond anything an athlete could accomplish on the court.

She was named to TIME Magazine’s Next100 list — highlighting 100 emerging leaders who are shaping the future — with a dedication from Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms.

After officially retiring from the WNBA earlier this year, Montgomery became first former player to be both an owner and executive of a WNBA team as she joined the new ownership group of the Dream. A historic achievement in any sport in any year, but especially after the journey the league, team and Montgomery had been on the last 12 months. Her impact transcends any athlete or brand conversation and the history books will absolutely highlight Montgomery contributions in 2020 and beyond.

Netflix keeps pushing us further toward summer with some breezy and fresh content this weekend, along with some heavier subjects, if you are into that sort of thing. This week, the platform is giving us the newest in a long line of Ryan Murphy projects to please his fans, and Amy Adams stars in a psychological thriller that’s been a long time coming to any screen, big or small. There’s also the sophomore season of David Fincher and Tim Miller’s extremely R-rated animated series, a new sitcom starring Kim Fields and Wanda Sykes, and a limited documentary series that might teach us all a little something about our wallets. As always, there’s no freaking way that you will have time to watch every new Netflix offering, so we’re narrowing it down to the most bingeworthy selections

Here’s everything else coming to (and leaving) the streaming platform this week.

Halston (Netflix limited series streaming on 5/14)

The newest Ryan Murphy production stars Ewan McGregor as legendary fashion designer Roy Halston Frowick, a.k.a., “Halston,” who volleyed his solo operation into a global fashion empire. In doing so, Halston embodied and defined 1970s and ’80s Manhattan with all of its glitz, sex, and fame accoutrements, along with the trappings and the Andy Warhol-drenched atmosphere. A hostile takeover eventually threatens his control for the Halston name, and expect McGregor to be even flashier and scenery-chewing here than in Birds of Prey. Krysta Rodriguez stars as Liza Minnelli, and she’s a dead ringer, so sit back and enjoy how Halson caused a seismic shift in the fashion industry before his iconic brand lost all of its luster, although his fingerprints remain.

The Woman in the Window (Netflix film streaming on 5/14)

After HBO’s Sharp Objects, no one needs convincing to believe that Amy Adams is quite adept at playing a woman on the verge. Here’s she’s portraying a woman (who is, yes, in the window) who either saw something terrible happen across the street or at least believes as much. She’s agoraphobic, and her neighbor does indeed disappear, so there’s that. Yet since this is a psychological thriller from director Joe Wright, so one can guess that the resolution (which is based upon the best selling novel of the same name) will be anything but straightforward.

Love, Death & Robots: Volume 2 (Netflix series streaming on 5/14)

Two years ago, Netflix previewed adult-animated anthology series Love, Death & Robots, from co-executive producers David Fincher and Tim Miller, with the “messed up audiences only” label. Comfortingly, it sure looks like not a whole lot has changed for the show’s vibe. As with the Emmy-winning first season of this show, this trailer tells us to expect more existential “robots-gone-wild” but fewer of them (along with “naked giants” and “Christmas demons”), as the series included eighteen short films in the initial round but will crank out eight more for this second batch. All will keep the seemingly infinite number of animation styles going, including a very simple-looking installment that, uh, involves a poop-scooping robot. Otherwise, expect several genres (including sci-fi, horror, fantasy and comedy) to gain more of the spotlight with mind-bending stories, some frivolous and some thought provoking but all entertaining.

Oxygen (Netflix film streaming on 5/12)

Alexandre Aja (The Hills Have Eyes, Piranha 3D, Horns) brings this survival thriller to Netflix. Mélanie Laurent (6 Underground, Inglourious Basterds) stars as a woman who has no idea why she’s waking up in a cryogenic pod. She’s running out of oxygen fast, all while attempting to find her way out of this awful situation.

The Upshaws (Netflix series streaming on 5/12)

Mike Epps and Kim Fields star in this sitcom about a Black working class family, but of course, family life is wayyy messier than it initially seems. Wanda Sykes not only co-created this show but stars as a sardonic sister-in-law, and hopefully, they’ll get through this together.

Money, Explained (Netflix limited series streaming on 5/11)

Dig into this series about our collective weakness with the almighty dollar and how credit card and student loan companies are exploiting all of our tendencies. It’s often a taboo subject, but this series doesn’t shy away with the tough-love talk.

Here’s a full list of what’s been added in the last week:

Avail. 5/8
Mine
Sleepless

Avail. 5/11
Money, Explained

Avail. 5/12
Dance of the Forty One
Oxygen
The Upshaws

Avail. 5/13
Castlevania: Season 4
Layer Cake

Avail. 5/14
Ferry
Haunted: Season 3
I Am All Girls
Jungle Beat: The Movie
Love, Death & Robots: Volume 2
Move to Heaven
The Strange House
The Woman in the Window

Avail. 5/16
Sleight

And here’s what’s leaving next week, so it’s your last chance:

Leaving 5/14
Sherlock: Series 1-4

Leaving 5/18
Trumbo

Leaving 5/29
American Crime: Seasons 1-3
My Week with Marilyn
The One I Love

Call it Space Race II or Space Race: The Redux if you’re feeling fancy. Tom Cruise—three-time Oscar nominee, giver-back of Golden Globe awards, and proud on-set ranter-in-chief—is headed to space. In October, the 58-year-old actor and Swingers director Doug Liman are scheduled to travel to the International Space Station to become the first film production to shoot in space… unless Russia can beat them to it.

As The Guardian reports, Cruise’s plan to head into low Earth orbit—a mission backed by both NASA and Elon Musk—was first announced in late May of 2020. By November, Roscosmos (Russia’s space agency) had put out a call for “a real superhero to go to the stars… at the same time as becoming a big international star.”

Russia didn’t care if its chosen candidate had any acting experience. They were more concerned that their leading lady be a Russian citizen between 25 and 40 years old, that she weigh between 110 and 150 pounds, and that she have a “chest girth” of up to 44 inches.

This week, Russia announced that it had found its star in 36-year-old actress Yulia Peresild, who will blast off on October 5, 2021, alongside director Klim Shipenko in a bid to become the first-ever filmmakers to shoot in space.

Cruise and Liman are also scheduled to begin their journey in October, though an official date has not been given. So while it could be a coincidence that Peresild and Shipenko are headed to the ISS during the very first week of October, it’s very likely not a coincidence.

While neither Cruise nor Liman has yet to comment on the competition, something tells us that the Mission: Impossible star’s competitive streak and need for speed may prompt a visit to the stars much sooner than originally announced.

(Via The Guardian)

This week, Vince is on vacation and I’m taking over his Top Chef Power Rankings. Having edited these articles for five seasons now, I’m very keyed up to pinch hit and promise to be the cool sub.

**Turns chair backwards and straddles it with all the confidence of Matthew McConaughey chewing a toothpick.**

“Today, class, we’re doing things a little bit different. If that freaks you out, don’t worry — Mr. Mancini will be back next week.”

Actually, I won’t be doing stuff too much differently. But I’m definitely not calculating how many spots each competitor rose or fell. Also, we may see some competitors’ rankings change drastically, since this is the first episode of the season I’ve had the chance to actually watch. Vince will reset the odds upon his triumphant return.

***

Before we get into the food, the first half of this episode had me reflecting on the concept of coolness among chefs. Mostly because Kwame showed up wearing haute couture inspired by the Beastie Boys’ “Intergalactic” video.

Having spoken to Kwame recently, witnessed and kept up-to-date on his success, and being in possession of working eyeballs that allow me to see his well-defined features, I can say with much certainty that the chef manages to pull this look off. But his contemplative staring into the middle distance found its natural counterpoint when Jamie returned to the show and started making squelches, squeaks, and a variety of other weird sounds — which spun me out wondering what the “cool chef” to “dorky chef” ratio is.

Or, in Top Chef terms, for every Michael Voltaggio how many Bryan Voltaggios are out there?

This thread seemed like it might be a theme for the episode when the whole opening segment of the show was peppered with jokes by the cheftestants that absolutely didn’t land. So many charity chuckles and courtesy laughs. See, most of the chefs on the show are still in their awkward-conversation-and-joke-making dork phase when the cameras are on. But this show will bake their quirks in a fame oven and push them towards previously unfathomed levels of cool. When they reach a tipping point, they’ll get invited back as judges and hang with Kwame, Melissa King, Padma, Gail, and the rest of the varisty squad.

Top Chef success has that effect. Just look at Tom, who definitely couldn’t pull off the leather jacket in the header photo before his own fame took hold. Or take Amar Santana, who I knew in his pre-Top Chef days. Sure, he was already in the vicinity of cool, but it took the show’s coolness incubation effect for him to make these flowered pants work:

Okay, Steve’s “coolness is just dorkiness flambéed by fame” TED Talk is over now. Thanks for letting me shoehorn that theory into your weekly Top Chef programming.

***

Anyyyyyyyway, Jamie is back. She’s dorky. She knows it. Her gesticulating and sound effects aren’t really even tied to a particular moment, they just seem to get yanked out of a grab bag. But taken all together, it’s kind of awesome and all the other chefs love her for it. They also seem to think of her as the most manageable threat to their own hopes of winning, so you’d better believe they clapped like hell when she returned to the fold.

The real story here is that Womp-Womp seems to have come back from Last Chance Kitchen with a clear focus on the food she wants to cook. Both her dishes inspired me to take a screenshot — which is saying something.

The quickfire was based on ugly food, overripe produce, and “scrap proteins.” This included beloved ingredients like fish collars, cheeks, and heads (which chefs have been embracing on Beard-award winning menus for years now), ugly carrots (which any chef worth their salt knows how to utilize), and bread crusts (which, again, are pretty easy to find a place for). Then there was some actually close-to-going-bad foods, like dried out ginger and mushy cucumbers, which… looked pretty damn mushy.

Maybe just use your cucumbers on time, Top Chef. Produce management is part of running a restaurant, too.

Still, it was a fun quickfire. The chefs pieced together their various scraps to make a dish they’d failed at before — whether on the show or in a different setting. And instead of being a concept that brought out a whole lot of mental gymnastics, every chef had a story about a dish they’d screwed up. No one had to reach at all. In fact, many of them remixed dishes from earlier this season.

In the elimination challenge, things got very EDITING PACKAGE EMOTIONAL — which I emphasize because the emotions were heavy, not because they were phony or forced. See, there’s been this thing called a pandemic going on and it has sucked horribly for everyone, very much including chefs, but most of all front-line workers at hospitals. So when globally beloved Chef José Andrés videoconferenced in, the tears started to flow (both on-screen and by those of us at home, who are all traumatized to some degree or another and will leap at any opportunity for emotional catharsis).

The food was delivered in batches to three different hospitals by Top Chef alums who were clearly told, “Don’t wear your flowered pants and keep bangles to a minimum. Try to look like the normies.” This gave us a Guggenheim-worthy image of Richard Blais’s gravity defying hair fighting to lift a baseball cap off his head. I like to imagine it popping off between takes.

Each chef made 65 meals that were pre-packed and microwave-ready. They mostly all went for comfort food and food that wasn’t too heavy — which seemed like a great call and not one that was totally intuitive. If Vince, Zach, and I had this as one of our cooking challenges, I’m sure I would have made some pasta loaded with so much cheese that the whole hospital had to shut down for a 45 minute nap.

The main result of all the emotional resonance was that there wasn’t much burning or snark until the very end of the show. Then, as if the hosts were aware that everything had been sweet and flowery for too long, Padma led scathing takedowns of the bottom three, including the absolutely devastating blow: “What surprised me was the utter lack of flavor” while making this terribly anguished face:

CAN YOU CHEFS JUST SEASON YOUR FOOD AND KEEP PADMA HAPPY, PLEASE??? IT’S BEEN A ROUGH YEAR AND SHE DOESN’T NEED THIS.

RESULTS

Quickfire Top: Dawn, Shota*, Good Gabe (*Winner)
Quickfire Bottom: Avashar, Byron, Maria.

Elimination Top: Dawn, Jamie*, Sara
Eliminated: Avashar**, Maria, Chris (**Eliminated)

—

THE RANKINGS:

9. (ELIMINATED) Avishar Barua

AKA: Milhouse. Chillhouse. Thrillhouse. American Pie. The Carbonator. Portmanteau. OH.

Literally, nothing Avishar did in this episode seemed to work. In the Quickfire, Melissa King didn’t like his Jing Du-style turkey chop with mashed cucumber salad at all. She gave it the 1-2 punch of “it came off dry” and “it didn’t need so many sauces.” Which is sort of like when an editor tells you your essay is both long and needs to be more thought out. At some point, thoughtful critique is just code for “this isn’t working. Like, at all.”

Then, in the elimination round, it was Avishar’s Benghali-style beef curry that drew the “utter lack of flavor” comment plus a explanation by Kwame to the young chef that you need to sear meat to keep the seasoning and flavors in. Everyone at the judges’ table clearly felt weird that this had to be explained, but Chillhouse’s food also obviously pained them.

Notable Critique: Tom’s face, below:

8. Chris Viaud

AKA: Stretch. Butter. Kelso.

In the Quickfire, Chris gets some credit for drawing this facetiously shocked expression out of Padma when he told her the tale of a failed vichyssoise.

His dish was otherwise unnotable.

In the Elimination, Stretch’s food was universally loathed by the judges to an Avishar-ian degree. For the same reasons, too — a lack of seasoning. He made a grilled chicken breast, finished in the oven, which looked lovely and was perfectly cooked but devoid of flavor. It sounds like this is a little bit his MO, but some blame has to be on his choice of protein. God, you’re on a chef show. They’re paying the food costs! You can do pork belly or venison or halibut cheeks, and you picked chicken breast?

I will never and have never ordered chicken breast off a menu — it’s ceiling is so low. At its very best, it still makes you wish you had a thigh. Chicken breast is only really good when shredded. That’s my take and I’ll stick to it.

Anyway, it seemed like a toss-up to the judges at the end about which flavor-lacking chef to send packing, so I’m dropping Kelso to the second to last spot.

Notable Critique:

Gail: “It completely lacked soul.”

Padma: “It completely lacked salt.”

7. Maria Mazon

AKA: Gas Can. Backdraft. James Brown. Holy Mole. Mole Maria.

It seemed pretty clear with bottom finishes in both challenges that Maria didn’t cook well this episode. But she did have the most personal story, because her wife is a firefighter, so her mistakes all seemed to be sort of re-contextualized within that framework.

That said, her final dish — a puerco verde with cabbage and avocado slaw — looked damn good to me, so she clearly wasn’t going to be booted when the two dishes with her in the bottom three seemed to have no redeeming qualities. The problem was that her handmade flour tortilla was half done because she cooked them in the pizza oven, so their undersides stayed moist and mushy (phrasing!).

With the door wide open to pin her failure on the fact that people were hogging the grill when she needed it, Maria just took her lumps stoically. And just like that, Backdraft became the underdog that I’m rooting for this season.

Notable Critique:

Padma: “I appreciate that she made her tortilla herself.”

Tom: “Unfortunately, it’s raw. Turn it over.”

Gail: “It’s quite raw.”

6. Byron Gomez

AKA: Manolo. Burger King. Goldblum.

Byron biffed the Quickfire by serving a mutton tartare that looked amazing but Melissa King called “gamey.” I am absolutely one of those “I’ll try anything” food people, the sort who even takes an obnoxious pride in it, but raw lamb? It’s not exactly mouthwatering. I’m sure there’s a way to make it amazing and our own Zach Johnston will regale me with stories of raw chopped mutton that changed his whole perspective on shit.

Still… can we agree that maybe a “scrap food” challenge isn’t the best time to try out a raw meat dish?

Then, in the Elimination Challenge, Manolo made Peruvian grilled chicken that looked amazing and was amazing by every account. If the food on the show had been a potluck, I would have clearly gone for that chicken among the top three dishes. In fact, I think he was only bumped from the top three by Sara’s homemade pita.

Notable Critique:

Padma: “Now here’s a way to do chicken legs.”

5. Shota Nakajima

AKA: Beavis. Big Gulps.

Shota was woefully lacking in nicknames and now I’m giving him one. Will Vince allow it? Will it carry over to week eight? Only time will tell — TUNE IN NEXT WEEK.

I’m calling Shota “big gulps” because he tried asking Avishar about which rice strains were common in Bangladeshi cuisine. But Avashar was coming straight off of having Kwame ask him about his intended meat texture, which was clearly a bad sign, and he seemed to sense that his time was up. So instead of doing his Chillhouse thing, Avishar said: “There’s a lot of different rices.”

And Shota threw him this look:

Which all felt like a close relative to this scene from Dumb and Dumber:

Anyway, as a big fan of miso glazes and marinades, I was hyped when Shota’s dish in the Quickfire was a fish collar, head, and lips with miso marinade. He won immunity with that dish.

Then, in the elimination challenge, he went back to the miso well with chicken legs that had wet, flabby skin and generally looked gray and dissapointing. He’s obviously a hell of a chef, because literally every judge buffered their comments with the fact that it was clearly a rare miss, but still… he put out a dish that looked god awful.

Sorry, Big Gulps — you’re taking a tumble.

Notable Critiques:

Tom: “Shota, I just want to say, it’s a good thing you have immunity. The dish was just not there.”

4. Gabe Erales

AKA: Good Gabe. Canelo. Fozzy. The Foz. Masa Father. Jamón.

This might be really low for good Gabe (I guess the other Gabe is just gone? Was this something explained in Last Chance Kitchen?). Clearly, he can cook and his food looked great. His carrot mole in the Quickfire was the sort of dish you feel like you can smell through a TV screen. But also, he didn’t make a ton of noise this episode and it’s my ranking, dammit, so here we are.

For the Elimination Challenge, Fozzy did a tamale and more chicken. God, looking back there was a ton of chicken this episode. Maybe the Top Chef producers had their perceptions of Portland overly influenced by this sketch?

Anyway, Tom said his chicken was a little dry and Gail said she wanted more focus. Plus the best complement was: “It actually carries very well” — as in, “it fits in its packaging”??? Not much of an endorsement.

3. Sara Hauman

AKA: Tails. Yogurt. Portlandia. Trapper Keeper. Manic Pixie Cream Sauce. Fiddlesticks. The Queen Of Comedy.

Vince influenced my own feelings about Sara so much these past six weeks, that I was surprised when I found myself liking my fellow Portlander. Like Jamie, she’s on the dorky end of the cool-dork chef spectrum, but it’s endearing. She’s also clearly a skilled chef, because she made falafel in the Elimination Challenge that Kwame adored. She also made a pita in the pizza oven that Padma raved about, so this feels like a good place for her.

Better still — Sara seems in on the joke about overusing yogurt, and yet she DID use yogurt. I have a sweet spot for that sort of self-referential cooking. I also got a kick out of imagining how far Vince’s eyes would roll back in his head if he heard her constant stream of positive self talk: “Everything’s great. You’re okay. It’s all gonna be so good.”

Defnitely dorky, but it worked for her.

2. Jamie Tran

Aka: Splat. Police Academy. Womp Womp.

As opposed to Sara, who wasn’t nearly as insufferable as Vince made her out to be, Jamie’s love for sound effects has not been exaggerated. It was a barrage. Also, there were multiple air guns. I’m not sure the situation air guns are really for, but none of the situations they were used in seemed to fit. Calm down, Charleton Heston, and put your six shooters back in their holsters.

That said, Jamie’s dish in the Elimination challenge was so wildly beloved that I’m putting her waaaaaay up here, so that Vince can have her ranking fall like a stone next week.

Seriously? If you were a frontline worker, isn’t that the dish you’d want? Kimchi tofu soup and bulgogi braised pork and eggplant? God, yes. Everyone raved about it and it won the Elimination Challenge, which led to finger guns and multiple bleeps, bops, and boops. I was obviously quite charmed by it all.

1. Dawn Burrell

AKA: Hothead. ‘Sheed. Legs. Breaking Dawn. Milk Carton.

Dawn’s Tamarind-Braised top sirloin in the Elimination Challenge was just as beloved as Jamie’s soup and got a half-smile out of the often straight faced Kwame:

“She’s not lacking in the flavor.”

Dawn also had a top three finish in the Quickfire and both of her top three picks seemed like a no brainer for the judges. So yeah, I get one chance to control these rankings and I’m picking Dawn as the winner. She seemed so confident and comfortable in the food she made. Her whole persona was more like one of the super confident judges than her fellow competitors.

Also, I felt myself very moved by the editing package where she talked to her mom on the phone. It made me think of my own mom, up there in Portland, all alone during the pandemic and… yeah, Dawn’s winning this thing. That’s my call.

Scoot down, Blais, we’re gonna need another spot at the cool kids’ table next year.

Fans everywhere are rejoicing over J. Cole’s new project The Off-Season, which arrived more than three years after his last solo effort. While some believed the project would drop without features, it turns out its guests — 21 Savage, Cam’ron, Lil Baby, and more — were just unlisted on the tracklist. As listeners continue to take in the new album, one of its tracks is causing many to take a trip down memory lane, one that brings them back to the summer of 2013.

On “Let Go Of My Hand,” J. Cole raps, “My last scrap was with Puff Daddy, who would’ve thought it? / I bought that n**** album in seventh grade and played it so much / You would’ve thought my favorite rapper was Puff.” This, of course, confirms a rumored fight that Cole had with Diddy at an after-party event for the MTV VMAs. Diddy himself appears on the outro of the song to deliver one of his signature prayers, “Lord, please guide our steps / Watch us, cover us / So that every move we make is in alignment with your will.”

While the cause of the fight was never confirmed, rumor has it that it started when Diddy, who was heavily intoxicated, began an argument with Kendrick Lamar at the party about his infamous “Control” verse and the TDE rapper’s claim that he was the “King of New York.” Diddy eventually tried to pour a drink on Kendrick, an action that upset Cole, a close friend of Kendrick. As a result, Cole allegedly took it upon himself to fight Diddy for trying to douse Kendrick, which led to their respective crews going at it. Nearly eight years later, it’s good to see that they’ve patched things up.

Press play on “Let Go Of My Hand” above to hear the line yourself.

The Off-Season is out now via Dreamville/Roc Nation. Get it here.

Almost six months into the new year and more than a year removed from her last single, Nicki Minaj made her grand return tonight with a re-upload of her beloved Beam Me Up Scotty mixtape. The project’s appearance on DSPs arrived with three new songs, one of them being “Seeing Green” with Drake and Lil Wayne, the trio’s first track together in almost three years. Another track that’s housed on the mixtape is “Fractions,” a solo effort that finds Nicki showing off the lyricism her fans fell in love with. However, the track did not arrive without controversy as a certain line on the song is causing some to believe it references her husband’s accuser.

After a brief intro on the song, Nicki raps, “Ayo, I’m the one who run the city where they armed and vicious / Accusations on them blogs and they all fictitious.” In the short time that’s passed since the song was released, listeners have already taken to Twitter to share their thoughts about the line. One Twitter user pointed out the controversial aspect of the song in a pair of tweets. “On*k* is smart,” they wrote. “She did a nostalgia release to push past the fact that she literally has a bar in a new track implying that her husbands survivor is lying on her and folks will eat it up.” They added, “Y’all can’t even say she didn’t say it either. She literally said ‘accusations on them blogs and they all fictitious.’”

The tweet sparked a number of replies with many replying in agreement to the line’s poor taste. One person replied, “Damn Nick sick for that” while another said, “i just can’t imagine ruining ma legacy/empire for an abusive man. prayers to the victim fr.”

You can listen to “Fractions” above and read more reactions to the line below.

Beam Me Up Scotty can be found on all DSPs here.

The Phoenix Suns gutted out a one-point win over the Blazers on Thursday night to stay alive in the hunt for the 1-seed in the West, a game behind Utah, and move two clear of the Clippers with two to play for the 2-seed. It was an important game for Portland as well, who could’ve locked in a playoff spot with a win but instead now run the risk of falling behind the Lakers for the 7-spot and into the play-in depending on how the last weekend of the season goes.

With so much in flux and the Lakers and Warriors currently in the play-in spots, plenty has been made of how there may not be an advantage to being one of the West’s top two seeds this season with LeBron James and Stephen Curry possibly being in the 7 and 8 seeds after the play-in. There have even been some who suggested Phoenix try to play their way down to the 3-seed to avoid the Lakers in the first round, as that is currently the most likely matchup, but that insinuation quickly got shut down on Thursday by Chris Paul.

Charles Barkley started to ask about the possible matchup with the Lakers or Warriors and whether that’s a disadvantage this year before Paul cut him off and delivered quite the statement on the Western Conference.

“Man, Chuck, I hate to cut you off, but I’ve been in the west my whole career,” Paul said. “West ain’t never been easy. I don’t care who you’re playing, what game it is, what series it is. I played in New Orleans, when I was in that division with Memphis, Houston with Yao and T-Mac, and Dallas when they was nice with Dirk and Stackhouse and all them. The West always been a beast, so if you try to matchup with someone else you can still get it handed to you. You just know that. You can’t duck nobody if you wanna win it all. You gotta go through it.”

It’s the right mindset to have if you’re the Suns, as there’s a danger in seeking out certain matchups. As the Suns got to see firsthand on Thursday, the Blazers are playing tremendous basketball right now and would be far from a lock to beat in a series. For Phoenix, it’s about staying healthy but carrying some confidence and quality play into the postseason, as they look to make a deep run in their first postseason appearance in a decade. Chris Paul has run into juggernauts in the West in the past and knows that there isn’t any hiding from the best teams, as you’ll eventually run into them. You could even make the argument, if you want to be optimistic, that if you have to face the Lakers maybe the first round as they’re still finding their footing is better than in a later round.

Whatever the case, Paul and the Suns don’t want to hear about chasing matchups and are taking the mindset that they’re a championship team and no one wins a title without taking down the best teams.