Month: June 2021

With all due respect to Matchbox cars, Hot Wheels were the defining toy vehicles for generations of kids. The small toy cars have been an iconic part of every person’s childhood for decades. Hot Wheels commercials always looked so cool with the toy cars on tracks that took them through mountains, jumped over dinosaurs, and flew through fire on the way to the finish line.

These commercials are why many of us have been excited to finally get our hands on Hot Wheels Unleashed. The Hot Wheels racing video game’s early trailers have perfectly hit that commercial-like feel, both in the environments and how the cars look like they’re tearing up the track. It comes off like the perfect nostalgia trip and it’s finally coming out in September.

It’s odd to be excited about a Hot Wheels game in 2021, but there’s something about Unleashed that just hits all the right notes. Every trailer perfectly captures what a Hot Wheels game should look like: flashy cars, crazy environments, and wacky tracks.

Obviously, the game itself will need to play just as good as it looks to be considered a good racing game, but early signs indicate a game that’s going to be full of the nostalgia we all want out of a Hot Wheels game.

Robert Iler played AJ Soprano on The Sopranos, from 1999 to 2007, from the age of about 14 until he was 22, in one of the great “teen dickhead” performances of all time.

Of course, being on television during your awkward, formative years can be traumatic, and even when it isn’t, it can make your life pretty surreal. Iler, who’s 36 now, was on Alison Rosen’s podcast recently, where he attempted to describe what it’s like to be a former television star trying to meet prospective partners on dating apps. For the most part, Iler explained, it’s not that weird, and things aren’t that bad:

“I think now it’s like, everyone’s on these things, and then with Corona on top of that, it’s like, where else am I going to be? I’m very lucky, to me, in a way, because I don’t enjoy fame. Like that stuff doesn’t feel good to me — red carpets, I hate all that shit. But if I’m dating a girl who’s 30 years old, that means she would’ve had to be watching Sopranos when she was… 6? Or like 7 or 8 or whatever? So there’s actually not a lot of women under like 35 who know what Sopranos is, especially if they’re not from the East Coast.”

Ah, well, problem solved, I guess! Except that sometimes people accuse him of posing as the person he actually is:

“I’ve also had people write on there ‘You’re such a loser! You’re using AJ from the Sopranos‘ pictures,’ blah blah blah. Like people who think it’s not me. Girls have gotten really angry. Like, first messages. Like ‘this isn’t you, you f*ckin’ loser!’ So it’s like, the only girls who recognize me talk shit.”

Rosen asked Iler if any of his relationships had begun with this kind of non-traditional meet-cute. Iler, who grew up in Manhattan and since the Sopranos ended has gotten sober and taken up professional poker, explained:

“The way that that message felt, it wasn’t how I wanted to start what I was looking for. I’m looking for a long-term kind of thing, I wouldn’t have wanted it to start with ‘Hey, you fuckin’ loser!’”

Well sure, that makes sense.

Later in the show, Iler talked about his arrest when he was 16 (that he says the media totally got wrong), how the acting life had gotten stale after the Sopranos (mostly because his roles, co-stars, and bosses were never as cool as they were on The Sopranos), and getting sober eight years ago after taking 35 mollies on his birthday. These days he mostly works out a lot, is in a long-term relationship, and runs his own podcast. Which is to say, sounds like a pretty normal 30-something dude. Then again, as a guy who hosts a podcast about the Sopranos, I could be biased.

Incidentally, if you ever want to see some random assortments of celebrities, just image search Robert Iler in the aughts or early 2010s. I think this one was my favorite:

Dammit, Fez, what did we tell you about taking the ladies’ shirts.

In Jon M. Chu’s In the Heights (written by Quiara Alegría Hudes, based on the Broadway show by her and Lin-Manuel Miranda), we’re supposed to be on the side of Nina (Leslie Grace), who wants to leave Stanford to follow her dreams. But her dad, Kevin, is played by Jimmy Smits and Smits has long had a screen presence where it’s very difficult to discount what his character, any character, says. From Victor Sifuentes to Bobby Simone to Matt Santos to Bail Organa and now Kevin Rosario: As a viewer, it’s hard not to look at Smits and think, look, he knows what he’s talking about and he makes some good points.

Smits has obviously been thinking about In the Heights a lot – and what it means, now, to people trying to get back out in the world and what even is that world now. Not just the pandemic, but everything else that’s happened over the last year. Can a movie like this help? Bring a little bit of joy to communities that need it?

Ahead, Smits explains why In the Heights resonated so much with him, reminding him of his family, well-meaning as they may have been, not quite convinced about this whole acting thing. (Namely, hearing things like, if he’s so good of an actor, why isn’t he in a Pepsodent commercial?) Also, he talks about his time on The West Wing, namely the live debate opposite Alan Alda, which to this day is one of the things he’s still most proud of. But, also, politically, we are very far today from what that episode was trying to say. And Smits every so gently hints at what the Star Wars universe still might have in store for Bail Organa.

One of the movies we re-watched recently was Running Scared. It was great to see you in that.

It was fun! It was fun to do at the time.

So in In the Heights, your character is adamant his daughter, Nina, needs to go to college. I know I’m getting older because I found myself siding with that for a while.

But what about when the adult realized that she had a point?

You took me with you on that.

Okay.

But my first reaction was, “You know what? This guy knows what he’s talking about.”

That was a nice little flourish that I think was added when Quiara and Lin realized time had passed, and how could they make the script more current? And touch on some other issues and kind of universal themes? And Jon, he talked about that a lot. The hope that your offspring or the next generation, after working hard, the next generation will benefit from what the society and the country has to offer. And with hard work they’ll persevere and all that stuff. It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to take the job, because I felt like they could bring something to the party with regards to those kinds of emotional tenants that were there on the scene.

His heart’s definitely in the right place. I guess that’s what I mean.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Totally understanding having gone through it myself: Nina’s perspective about having the pressure that we came to this country to do good and all that, and where do you fit in, and those expectations of your family and the larger family, and even the community. That song, “Breathe,” which is one of the earlier songs in the film that really makes you realize this is not just going to be a song and dance. It destroys me in a lot of ways.

Well, that’s interesting, what you just said going through it yourself. Did you get the same kind of pushback from your family when you wanted to be an actor?

No, it wasn’t pushback in the sense of, “No, you’re not going to do it.” Because they weren’t authoritative in that kind of way. But it was that I could see disappointment and a hope that I would find my way. So in other words they would say, “Oh, so you could be a teacher in high school that means, right?” Or when I decided to go to graduate school, “Oh, so perhaps you could maybe be a professor? Is that what this is? What do you have to fall back on with this other thing? These plays that you make us go, where everybody kind of talks funny, that this is called Shakespeare?” You know?

I see.

Because, yeah, their perspective was I didn’t come from a theatrical background, and even going to the movies was something that was a special occasion type deal. It was more coalescing around the television set.

To that point, when was the first time they stopped talking to you about the backup plan? Was it when you got L.A. Law? When were they like, “Okay, we think now you’re doing okay with this?”

Yeah, it was probably L.A. Law. Because even during my work Off-Broadway – and I was doing regional theater around the country at different places, and supporting myself in New York. They have these things called under-fives where you do kind of work on soap operas to sustain yourself if you’re doing a play or something like that. I mean, they would kind of giggle and be happy, but it’s like, “When are you going to do a Pepsodent commercial?” I’m not really that Pepsodent commercial kind of guy!

Wait, wait. Why Pepsodent? Of all the products, why Pepsodent?

Because Latinos… Hey, Mike, if you know anything, Latinos are brand loyal, man.

With Pepsodent?

Like Tide. If you go with Tide, it’s Tide forever.

I didn’t know specifically Pepsodent was one. Okay. That’s good to know.

[Laughs] I’m actually joking because we were a Colgate family.

Okay. Well, now we’ve gotten to the truth.

I just like the way Pepsodent sounds. All cool like.

So you’re reading this script for In the Heights, are you thinking, oh, this is me. I had to do very similar things to what we see in this movie?

Well, yeah. I mean, I could relate to it, certainly. Kevin talks about shining shoes in Arecibo. And when I had a reverse migratory experience – because my family decided to go and live in Puerto Rico for a couple of years, and just pluck us out of New York City school system. And it was like culture stopped for me. All of a sudden I wasn’t listening to Motown, and R&B, and the Beatles, and Ed Sullivan. It was I could name four or five different Latinos that you know: Trio Los Panchos, and Machuchal, different comedians. And it was a traumatic kind of experience, but I remember shining shoes in the town square with my cousins, just like Kevin Rosario did, so there were things that I definitely, definitely related to.

So you’ve seen the movie, right?

Yes.

I know in the current age we live in sometimes it’s hard to see, sometimes it’s not.

But I haven’t seen it with like a group of people.

I only saw it with ten people. It was one of those things where I was like I wish I was in here with 200 people.

Same.

Watching this movie, people dancing in the streets of New York City… As you know, a year ago it was so rough here. It was so scary.

Yeah….

Watching this was just like this feeling of like, okay, I think we made it. I think we’re going to make it through. And I don’t know if it makes sense what I’m saying.

No, absolutely. A hundred percent. First of all, even with ten people, it’s the whole thing about the communal experience where people that you really don’t know, that are all of you in a dark theater, sharing something and feeling the sniffles when they come on, or the laugh.

Right.

Hey, listen, just like what you said, Mike, and especially in New York, I mean, talk about going through the wringer in 14 months. And then the time that the other things that happened besides the health-oriented issues in our society, with all of these social things that have gone on: keywords being used as political footballs, and LGBTQ. I’ll rattle off all the letters: BLM, the whole immigration issue.

It’s forced us to kind of rethink, or think about things in a different kind of way. And as we’re coming out of this, the delivery system is the musical, which is about joy and uplifting and all of that stuff. Hopefully, it’s our little contribution of joy to the society, and things happen for a reason. We were all depressed last year not only because of the lockdown, but the film wasn’t going to come out, and then it was going to come out just on streaming, and what does that mean? That kind of thing like, “What’s wrong with it?” Hey, there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s like bottom line: it’s good. And, yeah, I think that stuff happens for a reason.

What you just said made me think about something I actually think about a lot, and I’m wondering if you think about it. When you were on The West Wing, that live episode debating Alan Alda. And Alan Alda’s whole thing is he’s a Republican but, look, he just disagrees with Matt Santos on some issues and that’s it. “We’re not all that different.” We are so far from that now, even in a West Wing heightened TV show version of it, it’s like you couldn’t even do that show anymore the way you guys did it then.

I think about that all the time. And then you mentioned that episode. It’s probably on the one hand counting of the five most significant things artistically that you feel… that live debate episode was just awesome. We rehearsed that as if it were a play. And Bradley, and the work that Alan. And Lawrence O’Donnell actually wrote that particular script.

Oh yeah. It’s incredible.

So, yeah, that was slick. We’re not having that right now, not in our present political dynamic that’s going on.

No.

We’ve got some work to do, man.

Before we run out of time I do want to mention that when you show up in Rogue One, it’s one of my favorite Star Wars moments. You appear from out the shadows as the score swells. I remember the crowd went nuts.

Okay!

You had to know that would be a crowd-pleaser.

No, absolutely not. No, no. It wasn’t like that at all.

Well, people were very excited to see you back.

Oh, thank you. Thanks. Thanks very much. You know, Disney is monetizing the franchise as much they can, so … we’ll see what happens down the line.

Anyway, I’m so glad In the Heights is coming out finally. And like I said, especially as someone who was here during the worst of it last year, this movie is a godsend. It really does hit you.

I really appreciate you saying that, Mike. I know it was tough. Listen, I’m going to get to see my family for the first time in 14 months.

Oh, that’s great. I still haven’t. I’m from Missouri originally. I haven’t been back. I need to get back.

You’re from Kansas City, right?

Yeah. Wait, how do you know that?

Because I do my research too, bro.

Yeah, I have to get back to Kansas City to see my mom. That blew my mind you knew that, anyway.

That’s good. That’s going to be a very emotional thing for you. Just in my Zoom calls with my kids, it’s like I have to walk away when I know we’re ending the conversation. And I’m not even thinking about six months ago when it was like, ooh, really scary. But even now, I just have to… I can’t even say goodbye sometimes. So it’s going to be very emotional that we’re going to get to be in New York together again, and see the film, and think about all that as well. I appreciate your words, man. Thanks so much, man.

‘In The Heights’ is now open in theaters and streaming via HBO Max. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

Here’s something I learned today that seems impossible to believe: “The Last of the Starks,” the fourth episode in the eighth and final season of Game of Thrones, aired two years ago last month. If you told me it happened five years ago, I would have believed you. It seems so long ago. But nope, “The Last of the Starks” premiered on May 5, 2019, back when all we had to talk about was a single coffee cup. Simpler times, y’know?

As a refresher: during the “we beat the Army of the Dead and killed the Night King, now everyone gets drunk and horny” scene, a coffee cup can be seen on the table where Daenerys Targaryen is seated. The (not-Starbucks) cup was eventually removed from the episode and one of the show’s producer released a statement about what happened, but not before it was turned into a meme and blame was thrown around. Sophie Turner (Sansa) first condemned Emilia Clarke (Daenerys) for not removing the cup before pointing the finger at Kit Harington (it’s usually Jon Snow’s fault), while Thrones fans believed Turner was the culprit. Clarke later jokingly claimed it was Conleth Hill (Varys) who deserved the scorn, but he denied the allegations. So: who left the freaking cup?

We may finally know the answer.

In a video interview with theSkimm (you can watch it below), Clarke was asked about her drink of choice in the morning. “It’s not Starbucks — spoiler,” she replied. “I’m going to say it again for the record: was not mine. Looking at you Dan Weiss.”

Clarke is referring to D.B. Weiss, who appears in the scene, along with co-showrunner David Benioff, as one of the “two-hundred-odd extras” who “look slightly like a Metallica tribute band,” as she described them. So her theory is plausible. They’re used to getting blamed for things that happened in season eight – what’s one more add to the pile?

(Via EW)

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — Let’s all learn French by accident

There are not enough shows on television about fancy gentleman thieves who steal diamonds from The Louvre as part of decades-long revenge plots against evil tycoons. I’ve been saying this forever. At least once a week for the last five or six years, I have sighed deeply and said “I could really go for a show about a fancy gentleman thief who steals diamonds from The Louvre as part of a decades-long revenge plot against an evil tycoon.” That’s why I was so happy when Lupin premiered on Netflix earlier this year. Because Lupin is a show about a fancy gentleman thief who steals diamonds from The Louvre as part of a decades-long revenge plot against an evil tycoon. And now it’s back with the second part of its story.

This is good because Lupin is good. It’s got everything you could ask for in a fun binge-watch. It’s got the aforementioned fancy gentleman thief, played by Omar Sy, who dons disguises and uses makeup and charm and slick sleight-of-hand to further his plan. It’s got corrupt cops and by-the-book cops and one cop who gets in too deep and starts making crazy conspiracy walls with pictures connected by strings of red yarn. It’s got the evil tycoon, who looks and behaves kind of like if Logan Roy from Succession were French and more evil and less competent. It’s got a little doggy named J’accuse who barks whenever he hears the bad guy’s name. Find me another show that has all of that going on.

And when you don’t, please also note that, at one point in the first chunk of episodes, our fancy thief flew a drone through a building guarded by crisscrossing neon lasers.

It is so much fun and such a blast to rip through. At some point, you’ll stop noticing that the whole thing is in French. I suppose you could watch the English-dubbed version if you want, but I really do recommend sticking with the original French with English subtitles, both because it’s always weird to see lips not match up with sounds and because, hey, you never know, maybe you’ll start learning French by accident while watching a show about a charismatic burglar go about his craft. That would be a neat little twist to your summer, if you came out of it with a few French phrases courtesy of a show about a handsome man who steals diamonds. Better than Duolingo, in this reporter’s opinion.

(An additional note on this subject: The main character, Assane Diop, wears a lot of great sneakers, including a slew of Jordans. I went to Google to try and find a complete accounting of his sneakers last week and ended up here, which means I was reading an English translation of an Italian website’s comprehensive roundup of sneakers worn in a French television show. This is… cool. It’s just cool.)

Part two of the series picks up quite literally where part one left off: With Assane’s actions landing on the radar of both the French police and the evil tycoon he is attempting to ruin. There’s kidnapping and fire and car chases and more terrific disguises and the cute little doggy is back. Cops get taken off the case for getting in too deep and keep investigating anyway. There are flashbacks and teenage violin thefts and really just so much cool stuff. I feel like I’m pushing too hard now. Am I pushing too hard?

I’m sorry if I am. Kind of. I’m kind of sorry. The thing about it all is, like… there are so many shows. Everywhere. It can get overwhelming to figure out which ones are good. And some of the good ones are extremely bleak, and other good ones require at least an intermediate level of knowledge about plot-heavy movie franchises that date back over a decade and feature evil aliens with powerful bejeweled gloves. And that’s fine. It’s fine! But sometimes you just want to watch a fun and exciting show about a fancy gentleman thief who steals diamonds from The Louvre as part of a decades-long revenge plot against an evil tycoon, you know?

Well, guess what: That’s Lupin. And it’s back. And you might even learn some French in the process. Win-win.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — Oh look, movies for Brian

Just to be clear here, this GIF:

• Is from a new movie called Infinite
• Features Mark Wahlberg driving a motorcycle off of a cliff and onto the wing of a passing cargo plane
• Concludes with Mark Wahlberg stabbing a cargo plane with a samurai sword that was on his back while he was riding a motorcycle

It’s a good GIF. One of the best, actually. I made it as soon as I saw it happen in the trailer and I’ve watched it about 1000 times since. And I’m pleased to report that, based on this review of the film by my colleague Vince Mancini, it appears the movie maintains that energy throughout.

Wahlberg plays Evan McCauley, a schizophrenic ex-bouncer who’s having trouble finding work on account of the documented history of schizophrenia. What he lacks in a consistent paycheck he makes up for in the ability to forge razor-sharp samurai swords like a 15th century Japanese blacksmith. “Are there things that you can just do, and you don’t know why?” Wahlberg narrates out loud, while pounding red hot steel with a sledgehammer somewhere in New York City.

Is Mark Wahlberg playing a guy who can remember his past lives and is therefore wicked with samurai swords? Folks, he is. And I’m ecstatic about it. This strikes me as a perfect movie to watch on a sweaty summer weekend, possibly with a few beers and a pizza. I am not a complicated man. Give me Mark Wahlberg as a reincarnated samurai who does wild motorcycle tricks and leave me alone.

Actually, no. Do not leave me alone just yet. First, I have to tell you about another movie. Please look at the description of the upcoming movie Paradise City.

True Detective star Stephen Dorff and The Edge of Seventeen‘s Blake Jenner have joined the Hawaiian production of Paradise City, which reps John Travolta and Bruce Willis’ first movie since 1994’s Pulp Fiction.

Willis plays renegade bounty hunter, Ryan Swan, who must carve his way through the Hawaiian crime world to wreak vengeance on the kingpin, played by Travolta, who murdered his father. I’m told the project is billed as being similar to Miami Vice but with bounty hunters instead of cops.

Miami Vice but with renegade bounty hunters, one of whom is Bruce Willis, going up against a Hawaiian crime boss played by John Travolta. I could not possibly be more excited about this movie. I can’t wait to see what Travolta thinks a Hawaiian crime boss looks like. This is approaching Money Plane levels of on-paper excitement. Movies are back, baby.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Simone Biles rules

I do not get often a chance to discuss Olympic gymnastics in this column, which is probably good, because I do not understand much about gymnastics. One time in college I was at a party with a bunch of people from the gymnastics team and they started doing drunken backflips, and while that always struck me as pretty cool, it is basically all the gymnastics information I bring to the table. That said, I do know that Simone Biles rules extremely hard, so it gives me great pleasure to inform you that she did a floor routine to the music from Tokyo Drift, both because that is an undeniably cool thing to do and because LOOK AT HER. Imagine doing any of that, ever, even with a trampoline and a series of pulleys. It’s sorcery. She is probably a top-three American athlete right now and top-ten all-time.

It is my position, as of the instant I finished watching that video, that Simone Biles should be cast in the next Fast & Furious movie. Have her play Tyrese’s niece and have her leap off the hood of a screaming neon Honda and do 500 flips and spins through the air while defusing a suitcase nuke that is glued to the bottom of a blimp. I am not kidding even a little. If The Rock can jump from professional wrestling into this franchise, Simone Biles can play an explosives expert who does flips. Fair is fair.

And guess what: There’s more. Because Simone Biles and her dominance also made it to late-night television, and specifically to Late Night with Seth Meyers, where it was discussed by Amber Ruffin, who also rules.

Please watch that clip all the way to the end to see Amber Ruffin’s gymnastics performance. We are all Olympians in our own way. Kind of. Thank you to Simone Biles and Vin Diesel and Amber Ruffin for making this discussion possible.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — Let’s give Owen Wilson the full McConaissance

Loki premiered this week. That’s great. I am admittedly bad at Marvel movies and keeping the various pieces of them in order in my brain, but it’s still great. The show is fun and weird and all of that, but it’s also cool because it gets Owen Wilson on my television every week. Owen Wilson is the best. Look at this answer he gave to a question about the complicated Marvel-y stuff he had to explain as his character. Try to read it without hearing his voice the whole time.

You’re describing this to me and I don’t really have much of a memory of it, so I don’t know if I blocked it out of my mind the way you would math class. Because it is complicated, and it’s hard sometimes if you feel you’re saddled with a lot of exposition. I don’t quite remember it being too burdensome. We must have found a nice flow for it, where it was able to naturally work its way in to the conversations with Tom. Because I don’t remember it being too, ‘Oh god, now we’ve got to lay this out.’

The best part is that this answer came after he admitted he really didn’t understand the Marvel universe or know any of the characters, saying, and I quote, “I was pretty much a blank slate, other than knowing, you know, certainly the Iron Man and the Hulk, and, you know, knowing the characters, and then Aquaman,” which is really quite funny because “the Iron Man” and even funnier because Aquaman is, in the most technical sense of things, a DC superhero and therefore not in any of the movies. I adore this. A lot of actors do the try-hard thing where they say they were big comics readers as kids and always had a personal attachment to whichever D-level obscure character they’re playing, but Owen is just like, “Hey, I got nothing. Who else could go for some onion rings?” It’s perfect.

And it gets better. Look at this tweet. Watch this video at once.

If Matthew McConaughey is serious about getting into politics, if we really can’t talk him out of it, then I think we should let Owen Wilson be the new McConaughey. Give him the whole McConaissance. Give him an eye-opening dramatic role. Cast him in a Soderbergh movie. Let him do car commercials and narrate audiobooks and whatever else he wants. This should all just be the first step of whatever we end up calling this. Owenaissance doesn’t quite flow right. I would say we should ask him but I very much suspect he would not care at all. Which is part of his charm. Good for Owen Wilson.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Gimme

Well well well, look at that, it’s a preview for the second season of I Think You Should Leave, the basically perfect sketch show that all the cool people you know online quote and reference constantly. It comes with a premiere date, too: July 6. That is somehow so soon that it’s thrilling and so far away it’s infuriating. Like, it’s soon, in the grand scheme of things, but also, I want it NOWNOWNOWNOW. You can see the dilemma here.

Two additional notes:

• Sam Richardson, who appears in this clip and co-starred with creator Tim Richardson in Detroiters and played Richard Splett on Veep, should be a much bigger star and I’m mad at all of you that he is not
• This is one of those shows that is super-super popular with all my internet friends but has almost zero traction with the civilians I know, which is always a weird dynamic and makes for a strange moment in a conversation when I’m like “You probably love your mother-in-law” and they’re like, “She’s okay, yeah”

Do I still shout “Oh my God, he admit it!” even though it’s clear my reference did not land even a little? I think you know I do. This one is on them, not me.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Joe:

Do you think it’s weird that Vin Diesel has never been in a sports movie? He’s been in sports-adjacent movies (xXx, the Fast and the Furious), but never in a true sports movie. I have a way to change that, but it requires a time machine. We go back to the late 90s and cast Vin as Jon Moxon in Varsity Blues. But wait, isn’t Jon Moxon a Faulker-reading, future Brown attendee who can’t wait to get out of Texas? He is and I want to see how Vin pulls that off and how he looks as the QB forced to save West Canaan’s season. I also need to see Vin’s interpretation of the “I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE” line because it feels like it would have a lot more anger and a lot less teenage angst. Plus, I think Vin does a great job with the halftime speech after they rebel against Bud Kilmer.

There is one change we do have to make, and it involves Vin and Paul Walker being in the F&F series together. We make Varsity Blues a F&F prequel by changing Jon Moxon to Dominic Torretto and Brian O’Conner to Lance Harbor. Now, the police putting Walker on the case in the first place and Dom trusting him very quickly all makes a lot more sense, because they’re old friends. And the ending carries more weight, since like Raylon and Boyd digging coal, Dom and Lance once played football together in Texas.

I really do not have anything to add here beyond saying that this is exactly the kind of email I will publish in this column and that I love any idea that includes a preliminary “but it requires a time machine.” That’s how you know the idea is going to be a good one.

Thank you, Joe.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Ohio!

Cincinnati police said a cicada is responsible for a single-car crash in the city’s East End neighborhood Monday evening. While the driver sustained only minor injuries, the cicada was not as fortunate, and was found dead on the car’s floorboard.

This is how it starts. It came for us and we killed it and now millions of its brothers and sisters will be out for revenge.

The cicada flew through an open window and hit the driver’s face, causing them to crash into a utility pole and total the car, according to a tweet by the Cincinnati Police Department.

The only saving grace here was that it was just one car and one minor accident. Think about what they could do if they worked together and went after larger forms of transportation. A bus, or a train, or maybe…

To Washington D.C.!

The plane set to carry dozens of journalists to Europe to cover President Biden’s first trip abroad was on the runway, ready to take off.

The cicadas had other ideas.

See?

Do you see???

It’s happening.

The cicadas are waging a war.

They waited for 17 years, plotting, planning, and now they’re here and they want to take us out.

To make us burrow and hide away.

To make us fear them.

Somehow, the flying insects had filled the plane’s engines, grounding it and forcing Mr. Biden’s aides to scramble for another way to ferry the reporters overseas. What was supposed to be a 9 p.m. departure was delayed until 11. And then until 2:15 a.m.

First, it was one car in Ohio. Then it was a plane filled with journalists. Where does it go next? Where does it end? What is their plan? Because, if I didn’t know any better, I would think this is still just Phase One. They’ve got to have something bigger planned. Something like…

Oh no…

Oh dear God…

Maybe you think I’m overreacting here. Maybe you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “Wow, Brian has finally lost it. It was one thing when he kept forcing ‘all spoons should be soup spoons’ into posts about television shows, but now he’s seeing a worldwide insect revolution based on three unrelated and explainable events. I knew it would happen eventually, I suppose. He had a good run.”

Well, to that I say this: You probably have not seen the CBS television show Zoo. That show was all about animals around the world mutating and staging a revolution against humans. Lions attacked people, dogs attacked people, an octopus and a shrieking hellsloth attacked people. And, in one episode, I swear to God, millions of electrically charged ants banded together and tried to short out the Hadron Collider and wipe all of Switzerland. Here, look at this.

As far as I can tell, there are only two possibilities here: One, the cicadas are the first wave of animal soldiers in a battle humans will have to start fighting for survival; or two, I just really miss Zoo and wanted to find a way to talk about it again. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Too soon to make a call either way.

The Ed Sheeran comeback is officially on the way. A couple days ago, he said that his next single (his first solo one in four years) is “coming out in a few weeks.” It turns out the song isn’t quite as far away as Sheeran made it seem, though: Today, he announced that the song is called “Bad Habits” and it’s set for release soon, on June 25.

He made the announcement with a brief teaser video shared on social media, which includes a ten-second snippet of the song. The brief clip features some finger-picked guitar and some “ooh-oohs” from Sheeran. It also includes the single art, when sees Sheeran done up in the vampire look that he teased in his posts from earlier this week.

Sheeran’s @edhq Instagram account features some more previews of the song, including what appears to be a brief clip of the song’s video, as well as some other promotional photos.

While “Bad Habits” will be Sheeran’s first proper solo single in four years, fans have gotten to hear multiple new songs from him over the past few months. In December 2020, he shared “Afterglow,” and in March, he performed a new song at a memorial for his friend and Australian music icon Michael Gudinski.

Ed Sheeran is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

On June 25, Juicy J will release the deluxe version of his 2020 album The Hustle Continues and by way of announcement, he shared the stripped-down video for album single “Take It” featuring Rico Nasty. The video is shot through grainy, low-fi cameras as the two rappers turn up in the studio while recording their hedonistic verses, exhorting listeners to “take it to the head / Drink it ’til you dead.” The track is vintage Juicy J, with Rico’s unhinged yell-raps providing some extra uninhibited energy to its already propulsive vibe.

Juicy has become one of hip-hop’s foremost mentors in recent years, using his veteran savvy to cultivate a younger generation of standouts which includes Logic, who provided the producer tag Juicy uses to this day and appeared on The Hustle Continues single “1995“; Flo Milli, who he’s expressed interest in producing for; Jucee Froot, a fellow Memphis native Juicy has assisted; IDK, who counts Juicy among his titular friends on IDK And Friends 2; and Megan Thee Stallion, to whom Juicy has given a ton of twerk-ready beats.

Watch Juicy J’s “Take It” video featuring Rico Nasty above.

The Hustle Still Continues is due 6/25. Pre-order it here.

Rico Nasty is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

In a sign that nature is healing, tickets for Black Widow are now on sale, which marks the first time since Spider-Man: Far From Home‘s summer 2019 release that a Marvel movie will open in theaters. Obviously, that long of a break was not part of the MCU’s plan. Black Widow was originally slated for a May 2020 release, but the global pandemic threw the entire film industry into disarray causing year-long delays and production woes. However, theaters are starting to come back, and Black Widow will be a major part of that process as the film opens theaters in July. (It will also have a hybrid release on Disney+ with Premier Access because baby steps, people.)

To commemorate Black Widow tickets going on sales on Friday, Marvel provided Fandango with an exclusive clip, which you can see below:

The movie site also sat down with director Cate Shortland who shared which non-MCU films inspired Black Widow, and she named some interesting choices. She also confirmed that the film will definitely have strong Captain America: The Winter Soldier vibes, which fans were already picking up from the trailers. Via Fandango:

Cate Shortland: First, we looked at things like No Country for Old Men. And then we looked at things like Thelma and Louise. And the Marvel film — people that have seen it have said it reminds them of it — [is] Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Fandango: Cool. What about it?

Cate Shortland: It’s got great action. It’s got a lot of heart, it’s emotional. And at times, it can be a little bit dark, but then it opens up again. And it’s really exciting. So I think that’s like this film.

The film also marks the end of Scarlett Johansson’s time in the MCU as Natasha Romanoff. Although, she did leave the door slightly open for a possible return down the road, but for now, fans might expect to see Florence Pugh take over as The Avengers’ spy of choice going forward.

Black Widow hits theaters and Disney+ with Premier Access on July 9.

(Via Fandango)

Lindsey Graham’s bizarre allegiance to former President Trump continues to baffle people. This isn’t a stance that he’s attempted to hide, of course. Earlier this year and even in the face of the insurrection, he’s dropped strange quotes about wanting wanting to “harness the magic” of Trump. Even though Trump’s clearly problematic, Graham declared that the Republican party “can’t grow” without the twice-impeached ex-prez, but things are growing even weirder. Potentially Twilight Zone-ish, even, if reactions to Lindsey’s mannerisms during his latest Fox News appearance are to be believed.

Graham popped onto the conservative cable news network to talk about President Biden at the G7 Summit and his concern that other countries aren’t afraid of the Democratic leader. The senator from South Carolina groused about how Biden isn’t pushing back enough against Russia (not that Trump ever did that) and China, and Graham complained, “This is just all fluff and happy talk.” He then added, “I miss Trump.”

No one asked for the awkward “I miss Trump” declaration… or did they? Zooming into Graham’s facial expression is, uh, a little disconcerting.

Granted, it’s a little conspiracy-ish to really suggest that there’s something afoot here, but Graham does seem a little, I don’t know, uncomfortable? His demeanor is not unlike Chris Christie’s infamous “hostage face” immediately after he pulled out of the 2016 Republican primary and aligned himself with Trump. That awkward alignment soon led to Christie becoming Trump’s McDonald’s-fetching manservant, so one wonders, exactly, if something similar is going on with Graham. Will he soon be counting Trump’s M&M’s at Mar-a-Lago? Why is he putting his whole reputation on the line for a guy that got voted out of the White House after suggesting that people inject bleach into their bodies to avoid COVID?

Well, no one really knows what Lindsey was thinking when he said the “I miss Trump” line, but there are an awful lot of “hostage” and “proof of life” jokes out there.

Not that these jokes necessarily mean anything, other than people guessing that there’s some dirt out there that Lindsey may not want to be released. If that’s the case, could it possibly be worse than making these embarrassing statements on TV?

Every day brings the Fast And Furious sequel F9 closer to release and Atlantic Records, the distributor of the film’s upcoming soundtrack, is doing its part to leave enough breadcrumbs to maintain fans’ excitement. The latest is “Fast Lane,” which features Cactus Jack golden child Don Toliver, Chicago drill pioneer Lil Durk, and the recently renamed Latto contributing swaggering verses to a remake of the beat from Big Tymers’ 2002 hit “Still Fly.”

Over the triumphant brass and organ combination, Durk and Latto spit defiant bars about their respective successes, with Latto calling herself “the best of the bestest” and Durk threatening “I could put some rappers all on blast, but ain’t gon’ mention them.” Don Toliver provides a melodic hook, bragging, “They say that I know magic how my whips change.”

The song is the opener from the F9 soundtrack, which drops June 17, one week before the film screens nationwide. The album will feature contributions from both pop stars like Anitta and rappers such as the late King Von, Offset, the late Pop Smoke, Rico Nasty, and many more. Last week, the Ty Dolla Sign, Jack Harlow, and 24kGoldn single “I Won” was released with a cinematic music video.

Listen to “Fast Lane” above.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.