Month: June 2021

While Rostam has spent the last three years producing music for indie musicians like Haim and Clairo, he was also hard at work on his sophomore solo album, Changephobia. The 11-track effort was released last week and to celebrate, the musician brought his tender track “From The Back Of A Cab” to a hazy performance on The Late Late Show With James Corden.

Rostam aptly began his “From The Back Of A Cab” set seated in the back of, yes, a yellow cab. Backed by a full band, the singer delivered his reflective lyrics in a dusty warehouse.

Speaking to Corden about the song’s inspiration, Rostam said:

“It’s about those moments you share with somebody where you just kind of want to have more time together, even if your schedule doesn’t allow it. So, it’s kind of about jumping in a cab with someone and going to the airport, even though you know you can’t get on the same flight, but you know that you want to have that hour, even if you’re not going to get on the plane together.”

Ahead of his performance on The Late Late Show, Rostam sat down with Uproxx to describe his songwriting process. About Changephobia as a whole, the musician said he aimed to alter his sound. “I really wanted to push myself to be inspired by the jazz that I loved and saxophone music of a certain era, specifically Bebop, which is from the ’50s,” he said. “And so that’s one component, this idea of musical change. And then there’s another component, which is life changes. And I think that’s something that’s more reflected in the lyrics in several songs. I didn’t really realize this until I was finishing the album, but a lot of the songs deal with the concept of change lyrically, whether they have the word change in them or not.”

Watch Rostam perform “From The Back Of A Cab” on The Late Late Show above.

Changephobia is out now via Matsor Projects. Get it here.

Michael Waldron had already written a script about time travel, so when he heard Marvel was looking for pitches on a new series about Loki that involved time travel, well, he was already well versed in that on-screen concept. Obviously, Marvel liked what they heard because not only is Waldron is the head writer of Loki, he’s also been tapped to write Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness and he’s reportedly writing the future Star Wars movie that Kevin Feige is leading. (All of this led to a few “King of Hollywood” jokes during the interview that I think I found funnier than Waldron did.)

Of course, this leads to a situation where an interview subject can’t really say anything at all about any of his upcoming projects. But, never fear, because we did get some answers. And I am sure they are totally real answers. (Though I’m still waiting for that DM I was promised.)

So take me through this a bit, because if I’m you a few years ago I’m thinking things are going pretty well. But then you go from that to writing Loki and writing the new Doctor Strange and a reported Star Wars movie. Now you’re the King of Hollywood. How does that happen?

“King of Hollywood,” I’ll be sure to tell that one to my wife. Look, man, I’ve been so fortunate, I’ve been propped up by great collaborators and everything…

Right, but with Loki, do you pitch? Do they come to you?

I was working on Rick and Morty, on season four, and Marvel, they were going to do this Loki show and it was going to be a time travel show. I had just written a time travel movie that landed on the Black List, and that was kind of my way into that world to pitch on this. To Marvel’s credit, or to credit their own insanity, they didn’t care that I didn’t have really all that many produced credits to my name, if any, at that point. They let me take on this big job, and over there, it’s such a great creative atmosphere that you really are set up for success if you just work hard. So, fortunately, I had a good idea and a good team of writers around me. And now I’m the “King of Hollywood.”

I’m just going to run that “King of Hollywood” quote without me prompting it first. So it will just you just saying that.

[Laughs] Oh god. Yeah, great. Yeah, “I’m Michael Waldron and I’m the King of Hollywood.” I can’t wait.

So they’re open to all this stuff. But also, do they tell you, “Well, here’s what this series also has to accomplish”?

Dude, it’s crazy, man. It’s actually less of that than probably anybody would even think. There’s the, “we’re going to do Loki set in the world in the TVA,” and beyond that, the mandate is just make the best Loki show you possibly can. Maybe there’s a few guard rails here and there, I can’t put Batman in it…

Now, you’d think the King of Hollywood could get that done. Now I’m rescinding that title.

Maybe that’s a misdirect? I don’t know, keep watching. But there’s no cap on your imagination, and if we’ve got a good reason to do something that makes our project great, then they’re going to get behind it. If all these projects are individually good, and stand on their own, and somebody’s grandfather could sit down and watch them and somewhat understand what the hell is going on? Even if he’s never seen anything else in the MCU? That’s a success.

How old a grandfather are we talking here? Like a hip grandfather who’s 50? Or are you talking a Greatest Generation grandfather? Because I don’t think anyone from that generation is going to watch Loki and go, “I understand the plot of this show.”

Well, then I fucked up, because I really wanted 76-year-olds to love this show.

Well, that’s always the target demographic.

Right, that’s the demographic. Look, I showed my grandfather, who’s 87, the first Avengers, in preparation for this. He was on the ride, he got it, so we’ll see. I mean, I don’t know, I’ll let you know after Wednesday. After he watches it.

Well, there’s no way around it, you have to kind of explain the rules of what we’re watching. And if I’m you, that’s my biggest concern: how do I explain this but also keep people entertained?

Totally, man. That’s the biggest challenge of this thing. Look, I saw your tweets. I wanted you to love the show more than anybody.

I don’t not love it. I’ve only seen two episodes and it’s setting the stage…

No, I know. But you, rightfully, I think, that was the biggest challenge. Like, okay, this is a time travel series and we have to lay out rules that can withstand weekly scrutiny. We have to understand what the time travel laws are so we can know how they’re broken. So, there was always going to be just a dump of exposition. So it was like, all right, what are the coolest ways to put that out there, and then hopefully shift it to the background, and then get on the ride, and not get caught up in it moving forward?

To be fair, I think my tweet was more, just in general, wary of multiverses. And DC’s going that route. I’m guessing we’re probably going to have a Fast and Furious multiverse soon. Everyone’s doing it. But if you’re going to do it, this does seem like the correct entryway into that.

No, man, look, that represented my viewpoint in it. I thought that was my job in the writers’ room: to have the most cynical, scrutinizing attitude toward all this shit the whole way through. I was just like, it will put me to sleep if there’s too much crap. So, I tried to use that as a superpower: how easily I fall asleep in things, to hopefully make an entertaining television show.

Before we run out of time, you are also writing the next Doctor Strange movie. So how does that movie end?

I will DM you, and you can just run the DM as the headline next to my King of Hollywood quote.

That’s great, then I don’t even have to type it out. I will note, “look how much work this man saved me by sending me a DM with all the information.”

Great, I’ll do it.

And it’s reported you’re writing the Kevin Feige Star Wars movie. What’s that about, and how does that end?

Actually, the same way as Doctor Strange 2.

Oh, does it?

Yeah, I’m just running it back.

So it’s the same plot with the same characters?

Yeah, but it’s in space. It’s Star Wars, it’s different.

So, we’ll see the Lucasfilm logo, the title crawl, and then it’s just the Doctor Strange movie again, but we just don’t notice?

Exactly, but it’s nighttime, so it’s space.

Oh, I see. You just lower the temperature of the film color, so it looks like it’s in space. Some superimposed stars here and there.

Yeah. I’m telling you, man, this is an easy job.

See, when I first started the interview, I’m thinking this has to be so complicated to do what you do. And the secret is just rerunning the same movie.

Rerunning the same movie over and over. Yeah, exactly, and then the Fast and the Furious movie that I write will then be the same as Star Wars and Doctor Strange.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

While stopping by The View on Thursday morning, actress and immigration activist America Ferrara called out Vice President Kamala Harris‘ recent comments, in which she instructed migrant families “do not come” to the United States border in Mexico. After initially hedging her reaction to the vice president’s remarks by simply she felt “extreme disappointment,” Ferrara eventually unloaded her true thoughts to Joy Behar.

“It’s not only incredibly ineffective, as she knows, it’s cruel,” Ferrara said before expanding her criticism to the entire Biden Administration. Via Mediaite:

“Quite honestly, as somebody who campaigned for, rallied, and voted for Biden and Harris — it’s a slap in the face for all of the immigrant advocates who believed, you know, what they promised, which was change and compassion,” she added. “So they know better and they should do better and I’m not under the impression, never was, that we were electing perfect people.”

Harris made the remarks during a visit to Guatemala on Monday, where she attempted to warn about the dangers of coyotes, but instead, she ended up sparking controversy by opening her remarks with the “do not come” instructions.

“Do not come. Do not come. The United States will continue to enforce our laws and secure our border,” Harris said during a joint press conference with Guatemalan president Alejandro Giammattei. “There are legal methods by which migration can and should occur. But we, as one of our priorities, will discourage illegal migration. And I believe, if you come to our border, you will be turned back. So let’s discourage our friends, our neighbors, our family members from embarking on what is otherwise an extremely dangerous journey, where in large part the only people who benefit are coyotes.”

On top of the “do not come” remarks, Harris reportedly frustrated Biden officials by telling NBC’s Lester Holt that she has visited the border when she has not. In short, the VP is not having a great week.

(Via Mediaite)

Migos are making the media rounds in anticipation of Culture III, which drops on Friday. One such cameo was Quavo heading onto First Take, which included a pretty fun wrinkle: an interaction between himself and Kendrick Perkins.

Perkins and Quavo have been butting heads ever since the latter dropped Quavo Huncho, which included the line “Get no playin’ time, Kendrick Perkins” on the track “Fuck 12.” Perkins, as you might guess, didn’t particularly enjoy this, and over the years, he’s made this point clear. The latest example of this came over the weekend, when Migos performed at the Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul fight and Perkins tweeted the following…

A few days later, the two had a back-and-forth after Quavo used a picture of Perkins and a fist emoji to promote the new album.

This set up the two going back-and-forth on First Take, and while the show usually relies on debates over random sports things to get people on set riled up, it legitimately seemed like Quavo and Perkins were going at one another over this.

Anyway, if Migos decide to delay Culture III at the last minute, we can all assume it is because there’s going to be a line making fun of Perk on it. Unless, of course, that already exists.

As cities across the country remain hopeful for the return of large in-person events starting at the end of the summer, major music festivals have started rolling out their 2021 lineups. But one festival in particular has decided to not return this calendar year. New Orleans’ Voodoo Festival announced that they are canceling their 2021 event, but plan to make an official return in 2022.

Sharing the news on social media, Voodoo festival organizers wrote, “Voodoo Music + Arts Experience will take a pause in 2021 and will return to to City Park for an epic Halloween experience in 2022. As our city reopens with an abundance of events to reconnect with, we look forward to holding our reunion when we can fully embrace the voodoo experience.”

Voodoo Festival did not state their reason for deciding to cancel this year’s event. In a statement to local news site Nola, the mayor’s spokesperson Beau Tidwell said the decision was not made by the city. “There was no communication from the city to Voodoo Fest organizers that they could not proceed,” Tidwell said.

News of the cancellation arrives just days after New Orleans festival Buku unveiled their lineup, which is slated to take place the week before Halloween weekend. The lineup boasts some of the biggest names in music, like Megan Thee Stallion, Playboi Carti, and Machine Gun Kelly. Because festivals typically issue a radius clause, which bars an artist from performing elsewhere for a number of days both before and after their festival time slot, it’s possible that Voodoo had trouble finding musicians who were able to perform their event.

Some of the artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Team USA’s men’s and women’s basketball teams will hold their training camps in Las Vegas in July before heading to Tokyo for the 2020 Olympics, the program announced on Thursday. There, the teams will play seven combined games including double-header events twice.

The men’s team will report to camp on July 6 and play exhibition games against Nigeria on July 10, Australia on July 12, Argentina on July 13, Australia a second time on July 16 and Spain on July 18. The women’s team will arrive after the July 11 WNBA Olympic break to play Australia on July 16 and Nigeria on July 18.

“Comprehensive health and safety protocols will be in place, including mandatory and regular COVID-19 PCR testing, administered to athletes, coaches, officials and staff in accordance with FIBA and USA Basketball recommendations and CDC guidelines,” per the release. Fans will be able to attend the games at MGM’s Michelob Ultra Arena, though it’s unclear how many.

San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich will lead the men’s team along with assistant coaches Steve Kerr, Lloyd Pierce, and Jay Wright. South Carolina women’s head coach Dawn Staley will lead the women’s team along with assistant coaches Dan Hughes, Cheryl Reeve, and Jennifer Rizzotti. The men’s team is playing for a fourth consecutive gold medal while the women compete for a seventh straight gold.

According to The Associated Press, final rosters could be set by the end of June. Players will be selected from the men’s pool here, and women’s pool here. LeBron James and Anthony Davis are not planning to join the team, according to the AP, while Stephen Curry, Kawhi Leonard, and Damian Lillard have expressed interest.

The competition to make the women’s team roster should be as tough as ever, though injuries could play a factor. Elena Delle Donne has not played a game in the WNBA yet this season due to offseason back surgery, Nneka Ogwumike is sidelined for the next 3-to-5 weeks with a left knee sprain, and Diana Taurasi hasn’t played a game since May 21 with a fracture in her sternum.

Gloom-pop artist Deb Never is back with the delicate new song “Disassociate,” about a troubled artist getting older. By the end of the track, the production by Luke Wild and Michael Percy all but bottoms out, leaving Deb’s muffled voice carrying the song to the final chorus. The song comes with a glitchy music video of Deb running fearfully from some unknown aggressor in full goth regalia.

“Feels like something’s missing / Fall asleep right next to all my demons,” Deb sings in her muted, minimalist style. “Tell me that you’ll wake me when it’s over / Think I’m scared to death of growing older.”

The song comes from Deb Never’s forthcoming album, Where Have All The Flowers Gone, which is currently set for a “late July” release and chronicles her thoughts about the fast-changing, contemporary world. The album will feature collaborations from Michael Percy as well as Jim-E Stack and Jam City. Meanwhile, Deb will support Slowthai on his forthcoming Hell Is Home tour.

Earlier this year, Deb released two standalone singles, “Someone Else” and “Sorry,” establishing her sound as a mix of hip-hop-inflected alt-rock. Hailing from the Pacific Northwest, Deb internalized the area’s deep grunge roots as she flitted in and out of local bands. She left to start a solo career in Los Angeles and eventually released her House On Wheels EP via WEDIDIT in August of 2019.

Listen to “Disassociate” above.

The premise behind Kevin Can F**k Himself should be enough to inspire any viewer’s curiosity. It’s two shows in one: (1) A satiric take on the sitcom wife who, for whatever reason, puts up with a (schlubby) manchild, who frequently hurls sexist and gaslighting remarks in her direction; (2) A prestige-esque drama about a deeply unhappy wife on the verge of going further than Betty Draper did with the birds. I do believe that this show’s a valuable entry that’s rife with commentary about what TV viewers consider entertainment, and how audiences are, in fact, complicit with characters’ suffering in the sitcoms that inspired this hybrid entry. This show also wants to light a fire underneath Tim Allen characters who make grunting noises and Kevin James playing the outwardly likable but occasionally manipulative guy, who (despite being clearly out-of-shape) does things like request that his stunning spouse lose “a few tiny, tiny pounds.”

That last reference comes from James’ The King Of Queens, and this AMC show’s title and inspiration, without a doubt, draws from a wife-killing sitcom-stunt (from James’ Kevin Can Wait) a few years back. That show swiftly fell from dubious grace, and that was earned. Not only did Kevin kill off Erinn Hayes’ wife character, the show did so to replace her with James’ former TV wife, Leah Remini. It was a tone-deaf move that spotlighted the problematic aspects of the domestic-sitcom genre, and Kevin Can F**k Himself seeks to right such wrongs. However, this show must thread a careful needle, and it asks its audience to suffer, at least temporarily, before inching toward a payoff.

It’s not an insubstantial ask, especially for those of us who have long since tired of the trope that inexplicably remains forgivable for audiences. Tim Allen’s back on the air, after all, and Kevin James comedies definitely keep coming elsewhere, and the trope’s a not-fine tradition that’s existed since the dawn of TV dinners. The wife characters in these sitcoms almost always adhere to a prescribed narrative, even though, as was the case with The King Of Queens, the wife’s allowed some abrasive comebacks. The laugh tracks push back at these wives, though, and they tell us that, by God, the husband’s antics will rule. The wife’s just a “nag,” you know? Fun should prevail, dammit.

You didn’t think sleep was necessary to stay sane, right?

Well, with Kevin Can Go F**K Himself, the laugh track finally stops laughing along with its dubious “hero.” The setup, at first, is purposefully jarring. Especially during the first episode, you might find yourself gritting your teeth at the onscreen banality. There’s, of course, the intrusively loud canned chuckles. There’s garish lighting and beer pong and obnoxiously rendered Boston-type accents that sound terribly “off” even for a non-East-coaster like myself; the abominable spouse, portrayed (far too well) by Eric Petersen; the ever-present group of friends and a cynical dad. It’s a lot, but to understand the suffering of Allison, portrayed by Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek fame, the audience must endure a taste of what she’s coped with for a decade.

Kevin’s not simply an annoying nuisance; he’s a slippery soul-sucker, and one wonders why Allison found herself attracted to him, let alone why she’s stayed married to him for a decade. Yet the deeper issue is that, as a species, the sitcom-wife really never had a choice. They wake up in these shows and find themselves in their situations with a laugh track going, and they must perform for the audience. In Allison’s case, she’s also not a housewife; the show is very clear about how she works as hard, if not harder, than he does. She’s also, naturally, doing all of the housework and cooking and putting up with her husband’s ego and putdowns and sh*tty behavior. Meanwhile, the audience’s POV is represented by a neighbor, Patty (Mary Hollis Inboden), who starts out as “one of the guys,” but the writers do have better things in mind for her.

The realization of Allison’s misery is where the second show inside of Kevin Can F**k Himself can grimly shine. Whenever Kevin leaves the frame — and fortunately, he increasingly does so throughout the first half of the season screened for critics — the tone of the show shifts. Likewise, the over-bright lighting disappears, the multi-cam sitcom approach evaporates, and Allison is finally left, or shall I say is permitted to, acknowledge her true feelings. The overall effect at once frees the viewer from feeling trapped in repressive sitcom land, yet we’re also feeling as trapped as Allison does. And that’s the point. Fortunately, it’s not a total downer. Murphy’s irrepressible energy carries through on both sides, and she adeptly handles the heavy lift during both halves of this show. And yes, we see Allison fantasize about killing Kevin and begin to form a plan in that direction. It’s tantalizingly invigorating to consider.

Yet Kevin Can F**k Himself is faced with this unavoidable truth: satire is tough, man. That’s also the case with sustaining a premise that is f*cking funny for existing at all, and it would have been just fine as a one-liner, never to be thought of again. Who among us didn’t giggle when hearing that this show existed? C’mon. And then we went on with life for awhile, and this show now exists. Revisiting the premise is not always a smooth ride, but what works with this series is this: Murphy and Petersen really go for it. You will despise Kevin, and you may not always know how to feel about Allison, but she is nonetheless a compelling presence to watch. Together, their chemistry is akin to, say, pairing the worst Joker ever (yes, even worse than the Leto version) with a rather sketchy, less-insane-in-a-forthright-manner Harley Quinn. One can hope that she’ll pull herself together, but he’s also a master at string-pulling.

Allison’s situation is tricky. Some viewers will ask why she simply doesn’t, you know, get the hell out of dodge. As with real life, the show doesn’t let things be so easy. There are moments when she starts to make progress before the walls close in again. Murphy’s interactions with the outside world show us that Kevin has ruined every inch of progress that she’s attempted to make in life. Yet there’s a palpable spark inside of Murphy that informs us there’s hell to pay for Kevin, eventually. As with many other protagonists these days, there’s a Breaking Bad vibe stewing underneath Allison’s blonde exterior. It will be a lot more fun than Kevin’s brand of “fun” to see how far she goes, and how long the writers can extend her plight before Allison cracks.

There is, of course, a question of longevity. The show’s officially a series, not a limited series, yet how long can this concept sustain itself? Either Allison doesn’t kill Kevin, and the premise wears thin, or she does kill him, and game over — unless Kevin turns into a zombie, which could present AMC with the weirdest The Walking Dead crossover idea ever. Fortunately, supporting characters do add wonderful texture that could be built out. Inboden’s Patty grows layers, and Allison’s ex, played by Raymond Lee, is there to add warmth, even if suggestions of adultery feel slightly uncomfortable. I don’t want Allison to fix her situation by running into the arms of another man, you know? That would be cheating viewers out of watching Allison come into her own power. That’s what this show must deliver. Again, I’m pinning hopes on the Patty character because, again, she’s the audience. And that’s what Kevin Can F**k Himself feels like it’s here to do: inspire audiences to demand the best from TV shows. This show makes promising steps in that direction, and my fingers are crossed for more progress in the future.

‘Kevin Can F**k Himself’ premieres on Sunday, June 20 at 9:00 p.m. EST on AMC, but AMC+ viewers can stream the debut on June 13.

Dogs can be a tremendous help to people experiencing grief. They provide unconditional love, always listen, and are so attuned to feelings they’re known to comfort people when they’re feeling sad.

Six-year-old Raelynn Nast must have known this when she reached out to a stranger and her dog during one of the hardest moments of her young life.

Emily Beineman of Arkansas was jogging with her dog, Blue, recently when she heard a young voice call to her from the steps of a funeral home. “May I pet your puppy?” Raelynn asked. Emily said she could as long as she asked her parents first.

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However, Raelynn said that her parents weren’t able to give her permission at that moment. “Oh my parents aren’t out here,” Emily recounted in a Facebook post, “my mom’s inside and my daddy died… we are at his funeral.”

Raelynn’s father, Davey, had recently died of colon cancer at the age of 41. Before Emily could say a word, Blue walked up to Raelynn and the young girl wrapped her arms around the dog and wouldn’t let go.

The young girl asked Emily if she would like to “come in and meet my dad.”

Emily said that she would as long as it was ok that she was in her jogging attire. “Keep in mind I had just got done running 3 miles,” she wrote.

“Everyone was kind of looking around like, ‘Where did she come from?’ And she came in right next to Rae like they’d known each other for so long. There was that connection there,” Raelynn’s mother, Lacey, told CBS.

Raelynn’s mother wasn’t shocked that Raelynn invited a stranger to the visitation because she’s a “daddy’s girl” who “always wanted to introduce her dad to everybody.”

Raelynn introduced Emily to her friends and family at the funeral home and then asked if she could stay a few more minutes so she could pet Blue. Raelynn’s aunt took the opportunity to walk up to Emily and whisper in her ear.

“I think God led you and Blue over here today for a reason,” she said. “Blue’s love and gentleness that she has showed her has touched our hearts.”

Jogger with dog offers comfort to grieving child during father’s funeral

www.youtube.com

Emily believes Blue knew the young girl was experiencing tremendous grief. “I’ve always referred to Blue as my ‘gentle giant’ because I’ve always felt that she could sense when someone is sad/upset/etc. and has this overwhelming calmness about her that is indescribable,” she wrote.

“This little girl will probably never realize how special today was for me but it was exactly what I needed,” Emily added. “I’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. And I truly believe we were meant to meet this little girl.”

When Raelynn was asked how she bonded with Emily so quickly she responded, “She helped me feel better.”

Raelynn may have lost a father, but she now has a new friend. She and Emily met up again in late April and have promised to “stay friends forever.”

Picking breakfast cereal at any given American grocery store is a dizzying task. There are so damn many brightly colored boxes full of neon-colored, sugar-infused wheat, oat, rice, corn, and bran shapes to chose from. Then there are the healthy choices. The cereals you should eat. The stuff that tastes like wheat, oats, rice, corn, and bran without all the sugar and marshmallows to mask it.

For an adult, the internal struggle of the cereal aisle is cosmic. It’s good vs. evil. The righteous path vs. the valley of the shadow of death. According to data, habit usually wins out. The box you grab is influenced by your history and feelings of nostalgia. Sense memory dominates. My personal picks when I need my cereal to comfort me on a core level are Frosted Mini-Wheats and Raisin Bran. I’d get Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms when I stayed with my cousins.

As I became an adult, those habits didn’t shift much. But every once in a while — with the spending power and autonomy of being a non-kid at my disposal — I like to venture out a little. I’ll walk the cereal aisle and give myself free rein to pick one of the brands I’d always longed for as a child. If you, like me, are the type to splurge on a sweet cereal now and again, there’s one rule that’s crucial: Don’t screw this purchase up. No one wants to break their diet for a sugary cereal that’s also a disappointment, gets soggy too quick, or can be recognized by the adult palate as being 90% artificial flavorings and binders.

So what’s the best sugary breakfast cereal to buy, nostalgia be damned? That’s what we’re going to find out below. To do so, I’m tasting 12 classic bowls of breakfast cereal — dry and with milk! — and ranking them according to taste.

Our lineup:

• Fruit Loops
• Honey Smacks
• Frosted Flakes
• Frosted Mini-Wheats
• Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries
• Apple Jacks
• Lucky Charms
• Trix
• Cinnamon Toast Crunch
• Honey Nut Cheerios
• Golden Grahams
• Cocoa Puffs

Why dry and with milk? Let’s face it, we’ve all hurriedly grabbed a handful of cereal as a snack and eaten it dry. We’ve also all poured ourselves a bowl after a long night out to nourish and comfort the soul before passing out. Those are the cereal experiences I’m trying to recreate here. Sound fun?

Let’s rank some breakfast cereal!

Part 1: The Taste

Taste 1:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

This is pretty bland at first. The fruitiness doesn’t really show up until after you’ve chewed a few and swallowed, which is kind of weird. They’re dry, plain, and need more fruitiness.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

That fruit arrives from the first bite when you add in milk. It’s more rounded and a better overall experience. It feels semi-sweet and mildly fruity in the sense that Twizzler is “fruity.”

Taste 2:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

I’m getting nothing. There’s a distant sense of dry puffed wheat that’s almost entirely flavorless. The sugar is barely sweet and arrives very late. It’s not burnt or caramelized or “honey” flavored. Certainly not really honey in any significant percentage. It’s just plain white sugar and mild, at that.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

This is pretty much the same with milk as it was dry. It’s listless, flavorless, and barely sweet.

Taste 3:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

There’s a nice crunch that immediately imparts corn and just the right amount of sugar. It’s sweet, for sure, but countered by an almost roasted, grainy corn vibe.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

This holds up with a great crunch in the milk. The roasted corn and sweetness holds its own against the moisture, creating a good spoon of cereal.

Taste 4:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

This is surprisingly light for such a big morsel of cereal. The sugar is dialed in and helps the strands of wheat feel like they have more flavor than just plain wheat. There’s a depth at play — in the wheatiness and sweetness — that’s definitely enticing.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

Of course, this holds up amazingly well in milk. The sugar frosting stays with the bales of wheat straw. The little pillows soften just enough to not shred the roof of your mouth while still leaving you with a textural and flavorful spoonful.

Taste 5:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

This was a delight. The flavors actually feel like real fruit instead of something that was once “fruit essence” before it traveled through a sterile lab. The non-berry morsels also actually taste like something with a nice grain edge and sweetness.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

This really holds up in milk. The integrity of the cereal keeps its crunch while the fruit amplifies its fruitiness without relying on just being sweet. It’s balanced and really delivers on what it promises.

Taste 6:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

Hum. This is pretty one-note. There’s the thought of apple and maybe what was once cinnamon. There’s not a whole lot going on besides a crunch and stale apple juice and spent cinnamon sticks.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

Adding milk doesn’t really change anything. The crunch stays but I’d argue the apple fades even more and the cinnamon disappears completely.

Taste 7:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

If it weren’t for the marshmallows, this might be the blandest cereal on the market. The grain nibs are there and feel like they were once wheat but otherwise nothing more than crunch. The marshmallow adds a nice sweetness to give the cereal something for the palate to notice. But this isn’t nearly as fun as the ads make it out to be.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

This certainly works better with milk. But you still can’t get past the pointlessness of the cereal without the marshmallows.

Taste 8:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

Woah! This is a blast of artificial fruit flavors to the face. It’s kind of like when you fill your cup with a little bit of all the sodas from the soda fountain but really amp up the Hawaiian Punch at the end. There’s a good crunch factor but it’s still really sweet.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

Milk calms this one down a bit. But overall, this is a blast of fake, sweet fruit that feels like a bit much.

Taste 9:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

This is what Apple Jacks thinks it is. There’s a great crunch that delivers cinnamon-sugar toast vibes with a hint of browned butter in there. It’s … complex.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

Is this better in milk? That’s a hard one. It’s definitely good with the cinnamon and sugar really holding on as the crunch fades a bit. Not too shabby.

Taste 10:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

This is surprisingly well balanced. The graininess of the Cheerio is the highlight. But the sweetness does feel like honey more than just sugar with a slight nuttiness that plays back into the grain.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

Milk doesn’t mute any of the flavors and, arguably, amps up the honey nature of the bite.

Taste 11:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

This really nails the Graham Cracker taste and vibe. The addition of a sweet edge with a hint of vanilla is a good play and makes this very snackable.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

This loses a little luster with milk. Still, that dark cracker nature with a hint of sweet remains, leaving you with a solid morning sugar bump.

Taste 12:

The Handful from the Box Taste:

Meh. This tastes like dry cocoa powder that was made by someone who had chocolate explained to them and that explanation was spoken in a language the listener didn’t really understand. Plus, the puffs are overly airy and damn near pointless.

The Bowl at Midnight Taste:

Milk doesn’t really do anything to help the shitty powdered chocolate vibes. Yes, the milk turns into chocolate milk, sort of. But it’s bland choco milk. That doesn’t ease the disappointment.

Part 2: The Ranking

12. Honey Smacks — Taste 2

Average Price: $3.64

The Cereal:

This is a puffed wheat cereal with a honey-flavored sugar coating. Ironically (for this tasting), Honey Smacks is the cereal with the highest sugar content of any cereal on this list.

Bottom Line:

This tasted like nothing. Don’t bother.

Dry or w/milk:

Neither.

11. Cocoa Puffs — Taste 12

Average Price: $3.64

The Cereal:

Cocoa Puffs are from the Kix and Trix family of grain cereals. The puffs are made with a mix of corn and rice before “puffing.” These are the same as Kix, just with cocoa powder added.

Bottom Line:

That fake cocoa powder was impossible to get past and the listlessness of the puff was the nail in the coffin.

Dry or w/milk:

Neither.

10. Apple Jacks — Taste 6

Average Price: $2.98

The Cereal:

Apple Jacks are little o-shaped puffs made with a mix of grains. Those grains are dyed green and orange and flavored with apple and cinnamon with plenty of sugar.

Bottom Line:

This tasted exactly as bad as I remembered it. There were at least the remnants of the flavors promised… but they were severely lacking.

Dry or w/milk:

Neither.

9. Lucky Charms — Taste 7

Average Price: $3.64

The Cereal:

Lucky Charms is a mix of sugar-coated oat pieces with hardened and multi-hued marshmallows. The toasted oat pieces create a counterpoint to the very sweet marshmallow, which is essentially the only reason anyone eats Lucky Charms.

Bottom Line:

In the immortal words of Lisa Simpson, “Eewww, Bart! Don’t put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box. They go in the trash.”

Dry or w/milk:

With milk.

8. Fruit Loops — Taste 1

Average Price: $3

The Cereal:

Fruit Loops are dyed multi-grain loop puffs. The loops are all flavored with the same “fruit” flavor but there’s no fruit anywhere near the making of this cereal. And yes, all the different colors are the exact same flavor.

Bottom Line:

Even though the fruitiness of these arrives kind of late, at least it’s there. You do feel like you’re eating an okay sugary cereal but just barely.

Dry or w/milk:

With milk.

7. Honey Nut Cheerios — Taste 10

Average Price: $3.64

The Cereal:

Pulverized oats are used to make Cheerios. In this case, the sugar content is amped up with the addition of sugar, brown sugar, and honey to sweeten the deal.

Bottom Line:

This wasn’t too bad. The sweetness was decent and the grain nature of the Os was legit. That being said, this felt more “healthy” than “give me that sugar rush, baby!”

Dry or w/milk:

Dry.

6. Golden Grahams — Taste 11

Average Price: $3.64

The Cereal:

This cereal is a mix of wheat and corn blended and baked into cracker form. It’s then sweetened with sugar and brown sugar to add a little depth beyond a plain old Graham Cracker.

Bottom Line:

The first thing I wrote in my notes was, “Not bad.” That’s why they are right in the middle. They taste like real Graham Crackers with a little sweet edge. They’re … nice.

Dry or w/milk:

Dry.

5. Trix — Taste 8

Average Price: $3.64

The Cereal:

Trix is corn puffs that are flavored with different “fruit” flavors depending on the shape of each puff. The recipe has gone back and forth a lot over the years with it most recently reverting back to artificial colors and flavors after a backlash to ditching those in 2017. [The real fruit ones were delicious, IMO –ed]

Bottom Line:

Wow, these were intense. If you’re looking for an eye-opener in the morning with a real sugar high, this is the cereal for you.

Dry or w/milk:

With milk.

4. Cinnamon Toast Crunch — Taste 9

Average Price: $3.64

The Cereal:

Cinnamon Toast Crunch starts off with mini-squares of wheat and rice crackers, with the rice adding the “crunch” aspect of the cereal. The squares are then dusted with cinnamon and sugar to recreate a cinnamon toast vibe.

Bottom Line:

This felt classic while also delivering on real cinnamon spice, butteriness, and a nice sugar rush. They lose their luster a little on milk but are still potent enough to be enjoyed.

Dry or w/milk:

Dry.

3. Frosted Flakes — Taste 3

Average Price: $3

The Cereal:

Frosted Flakes are a mix of milled corn, sugar, and malt flavor. The flakes hold onto a crisp and crunchy vibe that makes this one of the most popular cereals on the shelf.

Bottom Line:

These were pretty damn good, all things considered. They’re sweet, sure. But they also pack in the Big Cornflake Energy that balances out all that sweetness. This is good stuff.

Dry or w/milk:

Both.

2. Frosted Mini-Wheats — Taste 4

Average Price: $3.64

The Cereal:

Shredded wheat stops being a health food when you frost it with a sugar glaze. Back in 1980, Kellogg’s introduced the mini pillows of shredded wheat and a layer of sugar frosting and the world was forever changed.

Bottom Line:

This is a classic that’s full of flavorful wheat and sweet enough to widen your dewy morning eyes. There’s also a heft here that helps you feel like you’re actually eating something and you feel full when you’re done. My nostalgia might be a factor here, but I think these really hold up.

Dry or w/milk:

With milk.

1. Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries — Taste 5

Average Price: $2.72

The Cereal:

Cap’n Crunch is an oat and corn puff that’s just sweet and crisp enough to stand up to milk. The “Crunch Berries” are colored in green, blue, red, and purple and are all flavored with the same “berry” essence, regardless of the color of the berry.

Bottom Line:

This was damn near perfectly balanced. You feel the grainy nature of the light yet full-bodied puffs while the fruit feels real. It’s sweet enough to get a good sugar rush and really holds up well in the milk.

Dry or w/milk:

Both.

Part 3: Final Thoughts

I haven’t had Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries in decades. In fact, I rarely had it when I was a kid. Still, it was a clear winner with an all-around classic sugary breakfast cereal feel. It stayed crunchy, the flavors had balance, and it was really enjoyable.

All of that being said, the top four were really all great and pretty much interchangeable depending on my mood. Trix was close but a little too “smack you in the face with sweet, fake fruit!” for me.

The bottom three were far behind the rest. Cocoa Puffs, Apple Jacks, and Honey Smacks were completely lacking in any real flavor, much less depth. With Honey Smacks specifically, it was almost offensive how bland they were.

So which one of these is your go-to morning sugar rush vehicle? And which will your reach for next time you feel inspired to walk the cereal aisle?