Month: June 2021

Fox & Friends co-host Brian Kilmeade got roundly roasted after making bizarre, on-air remarks about reading Mein Kampf in high school. Considering that Fox News is the network of choice for right-wing Donald Trump supporters, some of whom can be described as (at least) white supremacist-curious, it was quite the self-own. While Kilmeade was the butt of the jokes, The Daily Show took things a step further by roping Tucker Carlson, Fox’s premiere promoter of white nationalism, into the controversy.

“As opposed to Tucker Carlson, who reads it every night on air,” The Daily Show tweeted along with a video of Kilmeade announcing he read Hitler’s tome in high school.

What made Kilmeade’s comments even more ridiculous is that he was attempting to blast Gen. Mark Milley’s for his testimony to Congress about critical race theory, but instead, Kilmeade essentially just repeated Milley’s central thesis.

“I thought Gen. Milley totally missed the point last week,” Kilmeade told Congressman Dan Crenshaw who was dialing into Fox & Friends on Monday morning. “He says ‘Oh I read Mao, I read Stalin’ that has nothing to do with it. We read Mein Kampf in school, no one thought we were Nazis, that is part of the curriculum, you find out about other things and other insurgencies, we get it, that has nothing to do with critical race theory.”

Just to be clear, Milley argued that reading about past wrongs to prevent them from being repeated is a good thing, and that’s basically what Kilmeade admitted.

Generally, the streaming landscape is dominated by newer music, but there are some older songs that have found success with the format, too. Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” for example, is the 25th most-streamed song in Spotify history with about 1.5 billion plays. Last year, Oasis’ “Wonderwall” became the first ’90s song to eclipse a billion streams on the platform. Now, that club has a new member, as Nirvana’s classic “Smells Like Teen Spirit” just topped a billion Spotify plays. To be exact, the song — which was released a single nearly 30 years ago, on September 10, 1991 — has 1,001,403,604 streams as of this post.

As NME notes, there are over 150 songs that have at least a billion plays on Spotify. Ed Sheeran’s “Shape Of You” is the biggest streamer in the platform’s history, with about 2.8 billion plays. It has a big lead over the next song, The Weeknd’s “Blinding Lights,” which has around 2.3 billion. The most recently released song in the top 100 is DaBaby and Roddy Ricch’s “Rockstar,” which has about 1.2 billion streams and is the only song from 2020 in the top 100.

Nirvana’s Dave Grohl recently spoke about how he didn’t believe that Nevermind, the parent album of “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” would be a big success, saying, ““[Friends would say,] ‘Oh my God. You guys are going to be f*cking huge! We would go, ‘What? What are you talking about?’ Donita [Sparks] from L7 came by and said we were going to be f*cking huge. My old friend Barrett Jones — who I had grown up with in Virginia, who was a musician and a producer himself — heard ‘Lithium’ and said we were going to be f*cking huge. He thought ‘Lithium’ should be the first single. Everyone had these lofty opinions and I thought, ‘Well, it’s nice of you to say so, but there is no f*cking way that is ever going to happen.”

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

If there’s one person whose lead you probably don’t want to follow, it’s Rudy Giuliani. And if there’s one person whose lead you most definitely do not—never, ever, under any circumstances—want to follow, it’s Drunk Rudy Giuliani. Yet according to Landslide: The Final Days of the Trump Presidency, the newest book by Michael Wolff, premier chronicler of the stupidity of the Trump administration, it was a perpetually hammered Giuliani who convinced Donald Trump that Mike Pence had the power to ignore the votes of more than 81 million Americans and overturn the presidential election and declare Trump the winner.

New York Magazine published an excerpt from Wolff’s upcoming book, which seems to confirm that the final months of Trump’s presidency were a Groundhog Day of unhinged political strategies and a complete lack of understanding of American democracy. Making matters worse, according to Wolff, was that the then-president had been all but abandoned by his closest advisers in his final days—with the exception of Rudy, who was apparently “drinking heavily and in a constant state of excitation, often almost incoherent in his agitation and mania.” You don’t say?

Almost everyone who remained around the president understood that he, along with Giuliani, did in fact actually believe that there was yet a decent chance of upsetting the electoral count and having Trump declared the Electoral College winner or, failing that, prolonging the election and returning the fight to the disputed states. The president’s aides (and family) understood, too, that he was the only one (along with Giuliani, which only made the situation more alarming) in any professional political sphere to believe this. Hence—although they did not call it such and tried to see it as more nuanced—derangement.

There had been hardly a waking hour in the past 48 during which he and Giuliani had not been on the phone in pent-up nervousness and excitement over the coming battle in Congress on January 6. They were two generals poring over a map of the battlefield. Both men, egged on by hypotheticals ever nearer to fantasy and after exhausting all other options, had come to take it as an article of faith that the vice-president could simply reject Biden electors in favor of Trump ones and thereby hand the election to Trump; or, falling short of that, that the vice-president could determine that a state legislature ought to give further consideration to possible discrepancies in the state’s vote and send back the questioned electors for a reconsideration of their certification.

“There is no question, none at all, that the VP can do this. That’s a fact. The Constitution gives him the authority not to certify. It goes back to the state legislatures,” said Giuliani, as though on a loop. He kept repeating this to the president and to the others who were part of the continual conversation on his cell phone.

Had the described scenario been set to the Benny Hill theme song, it would have been funny. Unfortunately, it was all too real, and is what led to the Capitol riots on January 6th. And it’s Giuliani’s actions in those days that have caused him to be stripped of his license to practice law in the state of New York. While we sit and anxiously await seeing how this embarrassing chapter in American history will ultimately end, Wolff can fill in some of the horrifying details.

Landslide: The Final Days of the Trump Presidency will be published on July 27, 2021.

(Via New York Magazine)

This week in the best new pop music saw some highly anticipated releases. Doja Cat shared her Planet Her album with a number of star-studded collaborations, Ed Sheeran returned to usher in a new era of music, and Grammy-nominated pop producer JP Saxe dropped his Dangerous Levels Of Introspection album.

Each week, Uproxx rounds up the best new pop music. Listen up.

Doja Cat — “You Right” Feat. The Weekend

After weeks of teasing, Doja Cat released her shimmering album Planet Her, which features the smooth and sultry The Weeknd collaboration “You Right.” The song plays up Doja Cat’s strengths, blending buoyant hooks and catchy lyrics about avoiding the temptation of another man.

Ed Sheeran — “Bad Habits”

Making it clear that he’s beginning a new project rollout, Ed Sheeran returns from hibernation to share the delightfully thumping pop anthem “Bad Habits” as his first new song of the year. Featuring lush chords and Sheeran’s cheery vocal delivery about what goes on after midnight, “Bad Habits” stands as the singer’s entry for the 2021 song of the summer. “I always aim to push myself and my music in new directions and hopefully you’ll hear that on the new single,” Sheeran said about the track in a statement.

JP Saxe — “Dangerous Levels Of Introspection”

After positioning himself as the go-to songwriter for vulnearable pop ballads, JP Saxe officially drops his debut album Dangerous Levels Of Introspection. The LP’s title track serves as a preview for the record as a whole, featuring wistful guitar chords and emotive lyrics. Saxe expressed how much the album means to him in a statement alongside its` official debut: “Been working towards today since I was a kid. this is the most myself i’ve ever felt in my music. and i’m grateful to these songs for showin up for me in the most meaningful parts of the last four years of my life.”

Bastille — “Distorted Light Beam”

Grammy-nominated pop group Bastille follows up their 2021 EP Drink. by sharing even more music. This time, they’ve leaned into a futuristic pop sound with the gleaming track “Distorted Light Beam,” a dancefloor-ready tune about manifesting your perfect future. “It’s a song about limitless possibilities,” the band said about the single, “which isn’t something any of us actually have in real life right now, so it’s been fun to explore that idea while experimenting with new sounds in our music.”

LANY — “Dancing In The Kitchen”

Sharing their second-released song of 2021, LA-based trio LANY share the euphoric track “Dancing In The Kitchen.” The single showcases the group’s knack for penning relatable pop tunes, emphasizes the importance of enjoying life’s little moments over a joyous beat.

Fletcher — “Healing”

Following up on her critically-acclaimed EP The S(ex) Tapes, Fletcher returns to reclaim her inner strength on the soaring track “Healing.” Leaning on a skittering beat, Fletcher lilts powerful lines about the importance of understanding that there’s no such thing as a quick fix for your personal problems. “The world is healing right now,” Fletcher said about the tune. “I can feel the collective energy of people waking up to their power and connecting to themselves in a way that humanity never has before. Healing isn’t a linear process, and it’ll take you on the most insane rollercoaster ride of your life. But it’s worth the view at the top.”

Cautious Clay — “Shook”

After making a name for himself writing introspective and catchy tunes, Cautious Clay shared his debut album Deadpan Love this week. It includes the silky smooth track “Shook,” a playful song about the euphoria of falling in love. “So much of life and relationships are spent in gray areas—we mistreat the people we love and we’re friendly with the people we hate,” Cautious Clay said about the LP. “This is an album about those complexities in friendship, investigating toxic behavior and self-worth.”

MAX, Ali Gatie — “Butterflies”

Newly signed Warner Records artist MAX teamed up with his now label mate Ali Gatie for a fluttering ode to lasting love. The song, which MAX says is “about falling deeper and deeper in love with my wife,” expertly combines the two singers’ far-reaching vocals as they croon lyrics about an everlasting devotion to their partner.

The Marías — “Calling U Back”

After gaining a cult following with their first two EPs, The Marías released their debut album Cinema this week. The effort leans into their sultry songwriting, delicately integrating moody synths with María’s saccharine vocals as heard on their loungy track “Calling U Back.” “We want people to feel inspired to create anything, whether it’s music or art or whatever else they’re drawn to,” María said about album. “Hopefully the songs will help them to break away from real life for a while and create some kind of dream world in their heads – something like the scenes to their own little movie.”

Sub-Radio — “Talk About LA”

Six-piece pop group Sub-Radio returned this week to share the bright song “Talk About LA” just in time for summer. The relaxed pop tune is a catchy ode to getting over a past lover featuring layered synths and a crashing, blissful chorus. “We wanted a song that spoke to how the pandemic was affecting our relationships and making us reconsider what’s really important,” vocalist Adam Bradley said about the track.

Some of the artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Justin Vernon and Aaron Dessner have been collaborating together as Big Red Machine since their 2018 self-titled album, and usually the projects include lots of other guests as well. Rumors have been flying that after her recent work with Aaron Dessner, the one and only Taylor Swift would be a guest on the pair’s next record. Well, all those hopes have been confirmed today, along with plenty other reasons for excitement as Big Red Machine has officially announced their follow up project. How Long Do You Think It’s Gonna Last? will be out on August 27 and the roll-out kicks off today with a song called “Latter Days” featuring Anaïs Mitchell (which Vernon previously debuted live).

Other special guests and contributors include Fleet Foxes’ Robin Pecknold, Ben Howard, This Is The Kit, Naeem, Sharon Van Etten, Lisa Hannigan, My Brightest Diamond’s Shara Nova, and yes, Taylor Swift on not one but two songs. Dessner himself is also the lead vocalist on three of the album’s tracks, which is a first for him.

“This is all music I initially generated and feel emotionally connected to, but it has been very interesting to hear how different people relate to it and how different voices collide with it,” Dessner said of the project. “That’s what makes it special. With everyone that’s on this record, there’s an openness, a creative generosity and an emotional quality that connects it all together.”

Listen to “Latter Days” above and find the How Long Do You Think It’s Gonna Last art and tracklist below.

1. “Latter Days” Feat. Anaïs Mitchell
2. “Reese”
3. “Phoenix” Feat. Fleet Foxes and Anaïs Mitchell
4. “Birch” Feat. Taylor Swift
5. “Renegade” Feat. Taylor Swift
6. “The Ghost Of Cincinnati”
7. “Hoping Then”
8. “Mimi” Feat. Ilsey
9. “Easy To Sabotage” Feat. Naeem
10. “Hutch” Feat. Sharon Van Etten, Lisa Hannigan, and Shara Nova (of My Brightest Diamond)
11. “8:22am” Feat. La Force
12. “Magnolia”
13. “June’s A River” Feat. Ben Howard and This Is The Kit
14. “Brycie”
15. “New Auburn” Feat. Anaïs Mitchell

How Long Do You Think It’s Gonna Last? is out 8/27 via 37d03d. Pre-order it here.

If there’s one public figure that should be weighing in on the recent U.S. government report on UFOs (concluding that there’s no valid proof that alien spaceships exist), it would be Cosmos host Neil DeGrasse Tyson. After all, he recently called out Hollywood over the depiction of aliens, so one would expect him to have a take, especially after The X-Files creator, Chris Carter, declared his skepticism over the report’s (lack of) contents.

How’s Tyson taking the official government news? Well, he’s previously expressed doubts about whether aliens would bother with humanity at all. “Call me when you have a dinner invite from an alien,” he told told CNN’s Alisyn Camerota in 2017. “The evidence is so paltry for aliens to visit Earth, I have no further interest.”

In light of the U.S. government report, Tyson’s turning the tables on civilians and making the point that it’s bizarre how, out of all the claims of people being visited by aliens, no one has managed to whip out a smartphone and do better than the U.S. military videos.

“The search for Aliens on Earth has been crowdsourced to three-billion internet-connected smartphones around the World,” Tyson pointed out on Twitter. “If our best evidence for visitors from another planet is monochromatic low-resolution, fuzzy video taken by the USNavy, then there’s more work to be done here.”

Tyson added that, seriously, “If a UFO beams you up, steal a gizmo from the shelf when the Alien isn’t looking.” He then declared, “Bring that to the lab — you’ll need it to supplement your eyewitness testimony.”

From there, he decided to (again) rehash all some “Space Alien Tweets” from the past decade and more. Naturally, he tossed a Dad Joke in there. The lesson here? Keep your phone charged, people. (I kid, possibly.)

Ed Sheeran gave a taste of his The Late Late Show residency last week when he showed up a bit early, but last night, his week-long stay officially kicked off. Aside from interviews and comedy bits, he’s set to perform some songs during his visit, and he got things started last night by giving his new single “Bad Habits” its television debut. Sheeran doesn’t typically perform with a backing band, but he did this time, enlisting some other musicians to help bring his dance-pop single to life.

Chatting with James Corden ahead of the performance, Sheeran spoke about the song, explaining how it’s similar to his previous lead singles:

“I think for me, on Multiply and Divide, both of the lead singles — it was ‘Sing’ and then ‘Shape Of You’ — and both the lead singles were sonically completely different to anything I’d done. And I felt nervous about putting them out, being like, ‘What are my fans going to think?’ Both times, it worked by doing something different. I’m an acoustic singer/songwriter and I feel like I could just stand on stage and sing acoustic love songs for the rest of my life, but it’s not really going to keep people interested, and I’m always trying to find the new angle. I’ve never done a dance tune and I’ve always been quite hesitant to make dance music because it can just be — we were talking earlier in your office — it can just be [imitates thumping electronic music]. Doesn’t really fit with my thing.”

He went on to say that this song was a late arrival for his upcoming album and that he made it because it seemed like a better post-pandemic choice for a lead single than the one he originally had planned:

“I had a first single chosen and we were going to shoot the video, the album was mixed, and then in January or February, England announced that in June, the country was going to be opening up, and my single was scheduled to come out in June. And I was like, ‘I don’t know if the world needs a depressing, sad, slow, acoustic song when it’s all opening up.’ So I was in the studio and we created this song and it’s just fun, I think.”

Watch clips of Sheeran’s Late Late Show appearance above and below.

Ed Sheeran is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Before last weekend, I knew exactly three things about The Cheesecake Factory:

1. The place has a gargantuan menu, so large that calling it a book is putting it lightly. Seriously, if you’ve ever read through this 20+ page novella, you should feel proud of the accomplishment (even though that’s a seriously odd flex).
2. As far as mainstream national restaurant chains go, this one has pretty delicious food and it’s also decidedly not inexpensive.
3. Whoever designed the interior and exterior of this restaurant was on acid because it’s insane. Or as game developer Max Krieger pointed out in a lengthy Twitter thread, it’s a “world of aesthetic chaos that feels like a mix between a Fry’s Electronics, an overgrown Panera and a laser tag arena.” Which has got to be the most spot-on description of The Cheesecake Factory vibe ever. For all time.

I was comfortable in my limited knowledge, blissfully ignorant — then everything changed. I was assigned to hit up “The Factory” and try 25 different dishes, eating everything from spring rolls to pastas to actual cheesecakes. Apps, mains, sides, desserts — I was going to do it all in one wild, food coma-inducing sitting. For a food writer, this was like getting tapped to summit Everest. Except that my mountain would be one of carbs and sugar.

I had trained for this and now opportunity had collided with preparation. I was ready.

25 dishes in one sitting certainly sounds like a lot, but let me reiterate to you just how massive this menu truly is. There are over 250 permanent items served at the Cheesecake Factory, each one of them scratch-made (shout-out to kitchen staff). In order to get a nice variety and represent a mix of classics and cult favorites, I chose 25 items with help from other Uproxx staffers and The Cheesecake Factory team. There’s a certain cloak and dagger aspect among the latter group when it comes to identifying bestsellers, but they did steer me back on track in a few places.

You’ll see that I separated everything I tasted into five categories (which are also ordered, based on my preference) defined by whether or not you should prioritize ordering these dishes. Hopefully, this will help the next time you find yourself at The Cheesecake Factory, frantically skimming through the menu and trying to settle on something before stuffing yourself full of bread (which I also ranked). I also listed the calories, which feels a little dickish of me. Feel free to ignore calorie counts in the “great” and “must try” sections. You don’t go to this temple to gluttony to be healthy!

Must-Skip

Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes

Calories: 1340

Ranked lowest on our list is the Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes, a combination of sweet masa cakes topped with Sour Cream, Salsa, Avocado, and what the Factory calls “Salsa Verde,” which I’m going to get into in a bit because that deserves its own paragraph. It’s not that the Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes are bad, they taste pretty good actually, with giant corn kernels embedded in sweet corn cakes, and the presentation is *chef’s kiss* but I don’t really get what the Factory was going for with these. They’re so sweet it’s almost a dessert, but it’s topped with some avocado and tomato, so it’s not a dessert, and also… I couldn’t help but feel like these were missing something.

Meat, they were missing meat. I think that would have tied these together.

Now let’s get into this “salsa.” I don’t know who told Cheesecake Factory that salsa was supposed to be creamy but it’s not. Calling this “salsa” isn’t even an apt description of what it is — it’s thick and much more akin to some sort of gravy and it has absolutely no heat to it. Not even the slightest bit of heat, and I’m not just saying that because I grew up with Mexican food in the home and know how to make my own salsa. This is so devoid of heat you can give it to a baby. In fact, I didn’t know it was salsa until I read the menu in preparation for writing this entry.

The Bottom Line

These look a lot cooler than they actually are. I can’t imagine any solid reason to order these.

Factory Nachos

Calories: 2670

Whether or not you like these are contingent on if you have good Mexican food in your area and if your idea of nachos is whatever they serve at the movie theater. Seriously, these are glorified glammed-up movie theater nachos featuring tortilla chips, smothered with cheese, an impossible to share scoop of guacamole, chaotically dispersed red chile sauce, sour cream, pickled jalapeños, green onions, and more salsa. Both the salsa and the red chili sauce are overly sweet, and, like the sweet corn cakes, these nachos are missing meat.

Great nachos don’t need meat. But these nachos don’t have beans either!

No beans, no meat, green onions (why?), no cilantro — I’m sorry but the Factory Nachos don’t do nachos justice. Is this fun to eat while chilling with friends and watching the game? Sure, but you can easily make your own game day nachos with canned beans, a block of Monterey Jack, some fresh peppers, cilantro, and onion, toss that in the oven at 450 for about 10 minutes, and put slices from a ripe avocado right on top. Then you’ll save some money, and calories, which will give you the chance to order something more delicious at the Cheesecake Factory.

The Bottom Line

A gourmet version of movie theater/baseball stadium nachos.

Factory Burrito Grande

Calories: 2150

You might be sensing a theme here so I’ll just come out and say it — The Cheesecake Factory doesn’t know how to make Mexican food. For the record, that doesn’t offend me. I don’t, as a Mexican American, have some sort of vendetta against The Cheesecake Factory’s attempts at my cultural cuisine. No this offends me much more as a food writer and a person who loves burritos of all kinds — SF burritos, classic bean and cheese, homemade burritos, breakfast burritos — because, like the nachos, this offering isn’t what it really says it is.

This thing is gargantuan and sits in a mole-based sauce, making it akin to a wet burrito. The burrito is stuffed with chicken, white rice, let me say that again, white rice, onions, peppers, and cilantro (they do have cilantro!) with a side of guacamole, sour cream, salsa, and black beans. Beans, sour cream, and guacamole on the side? Okay, Cheesecake Factory.

If “mole sauce” scares you, know that this is pretty mild as far as mole sauce goes – the flavor isn’t too intense but does give off a mild lingering heat. While I think the construction of this burrito is all off, I will say that the tortilla is amazing with a great gummy texture that soaks up the flavors nicely. But that still doesn’t make it order-worthy.

The Bottom Line

Not what anyone wants from a burrito. This is really a BINO — burrito in name only. Please, I beg of you, if you want a burrito just go to your nearest non-corporate burrito spot and order one there.

Good But Forgettable

Pepperoni Flatbread Pizza

Calories: 1110

Kicking off our list of the “Good but Forgettable” dishes is the Pepperoni Flatbread. There isn’t anything wrong with this flatbread pizza, it’s a pretty solid mini pepperoni pizza served on a surprisingly airy dough (it’s not particularly flat), and perfectly crisped pepperoni cups, but it just feels uneventful in comparison to the other dishes I tried. It’s another one of those situations where I gotta ask, “if you want pizza, why are you are the Cheesecake Factory?”

The fact that you’re at a Cheesecake Factory in the first place means that you’re at a mall, which means a Sbarro is just a few steps away. Sbarro doesn’t make the best pizza, but at least it’s a real slice and not on a rectangular crust-less flatbread and will probably cost you a fraction of what this will. Ask for an extra serving of the table bread if you need a carb-loaded snack because this is the most forgettable pizza you’ll ever eat at a restaurant.

The Bottom Line

Why are you ordering pizza at the Cheesecake Factory?

Fettucine Alfredo

Calories:: 1450

As far as chain restaurant Fettucine Alfredos goes, Cheesecake Factory has the best. Having said that, this is still just boring old stock fettuccine alfredo. There just isn’t anything to say here. The sauce is thick and creamy, the noodles are cooked al dente, giving this dish a nice bite, but that’s everything worth mentioning. You could spice it up by adding chicken to it, but if the Cheesecake Factory simply added broccoli or mushrooms to this dish, it would instantly level it up.

As it is, it’s good, but you’re never going to remember that time you had fettucine alfredo at the Cheesecake Factory.

The Bottom Line

Great for chain restaurant fettuccine alfredo but that’s not saying much. Still, it is a considerable leap above what Olive Garden offers.

Loaded Baked Potato Tots

Calories:1030

I’m not the biggest fan of tater tots. I get that they have a nostalgic allure to them for a lot of people, but it’s gotta be one of my least favorite form factors for potatoes. Cheesecake Factory must feel the same way, because they’ve taken every effort to dress these up, stuffing them with bacon, green onions, and cheese, before breading and oven baking them. This makes each bite an exciting burst of savory flavor that doesn’t even need the sour cream or sriracha mayo dipping sauce that comes served alongside them.

Having said that, the sauce definitely kicks things up to the next level. I’m going to suggest the sriracha mayo over the sour cream, it adds a nice bit of sweet chili heat to these perfectly baked tots.

The Bottom Line

If you have warm nostalgic feelings in your heart for tater tots, these might strike your fancy. If you recognize that the tater tot is the lamest form of fried potatoes, these aren’t going to change your mind.

Good

Almond-Crusted Salmon Salad

Calories: 1650

I’m not the biggest fish salad fan, so take this one with a grain of salt — maybe it deserves to be in the “great” category — but for me, this one was… just okay. Featuring a pan-seared almond encrusted salmon atop mixed greens, kale, Brussel sprouts, avocado, tomato, quinoa, cranberries and radishes, tossed in a simple vinaigrette, this salad is incredibly fresh and light. The cranberry raisins add a nice burst of tartness, and the hidden chunks of avocado embedded in the lettuce are always a pleasant surprise. The fish is cooked perfectly, flaking off with the gentlest stab of the fork.

The use of a vinaigrette over a heavier dressing is appreciated — it makes for a harmonious mix of flavors. Definitely worth a try for fish salad fans.

The Bottom Line

Fresh and light, this salad will fill you up without making you feel heavy… if you’re into that sort of thing.

Pasta Da Vinci

Calories: 1180

It pains me to see Pasta Da Vinci land in the middle of this list because, until this tasting, this was my go-to Cheesecake Factory order. Turns out I’ve been slumming it. Pasta da Vinci features sautéed chunks of juicy white meat chicken, tossed with mushrooms and onions in a savory and complex Madeira wine sauce served over penne pasta with parmesan cheese. The flavors all work great here, offering a heavy umami-forward pasta that will make your mouth water between bites. The sweetness of the onions provides a nice counterpart to the dish’s deeper savory flavors.

All in all, this is a good pasta dish. But The Factory has better.

The Bottom Line

A delicious umami-forward pasta, but far from The Cheesecake Factory’s best.

Miso Salmon

Calories: 1340

I have to hand it to the Cheesecake Factory, the glazed salmon that tops their Miso Salmon dish is probably the best salmon I’ve ever had from a chain restaurant. It’s fresh and perfectly flakey, tearing apart with the slightest touch of a fork, with a crispy crust that adds a nice mouthfeel to each bite. The flavors are focused and direct, but overall I just wanted more out of this dish. The salmon is served atop a bed of white rice that is sitting in a miso sauce with a side of snow peas that really works more as a garnish than as an accompaniment to the dish.

The presentation is beautiful, but I wanted something that paired nicely with the out-of-this-world salmon, and white rice and miso just aren’t doing it for me. It ranks in the “Good” category on the quality of the salmon alone.

The Bottom Line

A delicious glazed salmon dish, I just wish the sides were as inspired as the salmon itself.

Korean Fried Cauliflower

Calories: 1150

Fried cauliflower tossed in sauce is the best thing to ever happen to cauliflower. It just works, it doesn’t matter that this is meant to mimic chicken, this is just a fun way to enjoy cauliflower without getting any of that, you know, cauliflower taste. These are essentially just a vehicle for sauce. Don’t get hung up on the name, aside from a sweet and spicy Gochujang-based sauce, and I guess the use of rice flour, these aren’t in any way Korean. Cheesecake Factory, you can’t just open up a bottle of Gochujang and call a dish “Korean,” but — cultural appropriation aside — these are pretty damn good.

The toasted sesame seeds and green onion act as a negligible garnish, as all of the flavor is in the sweet and mildly spicy sauce. That subtle heat is going to make it so that you’re unable to stop eating these things, which is okay. Just tell yourself it’s cauliflower and you won’t have to feel any guilt. Until you realize that somehow an entire order is over 1000 calories. The cauliflower will come with a single lime wedge, definitely squeeze that over the whole dish as that burst of tartness adds a nice dimension to the flavor profile.

The Bottom Line

The only way to eat cauliflower at The Factory.

Chicken Parm Pizza Style

Calories: 1940

I have a lot of fun explaining this dish to people. It might be easy to understand in the written word, but when explaining it to people out loud they almost never know what the hell I’m talking about. This dish isn’t a pizza — it’s a giant piece of white meat chicken flattened out into a disk, coated with bread crumbs, slathered with marinara and melted mozzarella, and topped with forgettable chopped angel hair pasta in a barely-there alfredo cream sauce. Cutting off a slice and holding it in your hand will make you feel like it’s pizza, but it’s not. There is no bread in this thing, that’s all meat. How did they make the chicken so wide and round? Who the f*ck knows.

The Chicken Parm Pizza is good, it’s just a really weird way to enjoy chicken parmesan, and the breading isn’t nearly crispy enough. The whole time you’re eating it you’ll be asking yourself: “Would I have just preferred a regular standard chicken parm? Do I really just want breaded fried chicken on top of a regular pizza?” The answer to both questions is “yes.” Order this if you’re curious, but otherwise, there are better things on the menu more worth your time.

The Bottom Line

Again, it’s not pizza… it’s a giant flat piece of chicken breast meat. Stop thinking about the work it took to make it this wide and try to enjoy it.

Oreo Dream Extreme

Calories: 1600

Of the four desserts I tried, the Oreo Dream Extreme was my least favorite, so it’s landing in the “Good” category. Sorry, Oreo fans. This thing has actual Oreos baked into Cheesecake Factory’s cheesecake with fudge cake layers, Oreo-based mousse, and milk chocolate icing. Each bite provides a nice balance of sweet cheesecake and rich chocolatey goodness, but it feels… maybe a little too decadent. Cheesecake is already so rich that it’s hard to eat an entire slice and this is probably the richest form of cheesecake ever conceptualized.

Order it if you absolutely love Oreos, but if it sounds crazy to you and like it’ll make your stomach hurt, I’m here to confirm — it is and it will. Of course, I was in the process of eating 25 dishes in one sitting…

The Bottom Line

Great if you love Oreos, but just a little too decadent and extreme to come at the end of a meal.

Great

BBQ Ranch Chicken Salad

Calories: 1250

We’re now officially in the “Great” category and to usher us into some of Cheesecake Factory’s best dishes, we have the BBQ Ranch Chicken Salad. This one is heavy, featuring wedges of avocado, tomatoes, bits of grilled corn, and savory black beans, served atop romaine lettuce tossed in BBQ ranch dressing, with cucumber adding a refreshing top note to the otherwise heavy flavors, and crispy fried onion rings adding some nice crunch to the whole thing.

Because the dressing is cut between ranch and bbq sauce, it doesn’t feel overly creamy and pairs perfectly with the grilled chicken pieces, with the black beans balancing out any sweetness imparted by the bbq. As everything on this salad is separated, you’re going to want to give it a good toss to mix the flavors around. This is the type of salad you order for the table and share or take home for multiple servings.

The Bottom Line

A delicious hearty salad that’s perfect to share with a full table.

Bacon-Bacon Burger

Calories: 1520

Restaurant burgers are almost always good, and Cheesecake Factory’s Bacon-Bacon burger really takes things to the next level. This is one of the best burgers you can grab at a national chain, forget all about Red Robin, Ruby’s, Applebees, TGIF, etc. The bacon on this baby is insane, each strip is thick, crispy, and properly rendered. The fat hasn’t been burnt off, but it’s not in the least bit chewy, providing you a crispy bite full of flavor and smokey savory goodness on top of a thick piece of ground beef (cooked medium) and topped with American and cheddar cheese, giving you the perfect melt with a nutty, complex, mild cheddar flavor.

Pulling all the flavors together is a mayo-based special sauce, but honestly, this burger is so full of juicy flavor that I think you can actually completely ditch the sauce, which can’t be said for most burgers out there.

The Bottom Line

The best bacon burger you’re likely to find at a national restaurant chain.

Fresh Strawberry Cheesecake

Calories: 1000

It should surprise nobody that a place called the Cheesecake Factory makes great cheesecake. This is a great slice of cheesecake, topped with fresh strawberries glazed in a sweet syrup that helps to add some brightness and a little bit of tang to this supremely rich dessert. If you’re turned off by the sometimes sour qualities of cheesecake, this has almost none of that. Although this cheesecake is about as basic as you can get, the individual flavors that make this thing up really nail the job they’re tasked with. The simple graham cracker crust adds hints of nutmeg and cinnamon, which give depth and complexity to the rich egg and fresh cheese base.

I almost always prefer fresh unaltered strawberries to the syrup glazed variety, but the sugary syrup really helps to meld the flavors together here, making the strawberries truly feel a part of this cheesecake, instead of merely a topping.

The Bottom Line

A classic and the restaurant’s namesake for a reason. If you love cheesecake, this one is damn good.

Sourdough/Sweet Wheat Loaf

Calories: 260/370

Everybody makes a big fuss about Olive Garden breadsticks which, I just don’t understand, because The Cheesecake Factory’s table bread is about 10 times better. Your options here are simple, at your table your server will bring you a mix of sourdough and Sweet oat-encrusted wheat bread, both of which pair amazingly with butter. There isn’t a lot I can really say about bread, but if I had to choose one over the other it’s definitely going to be the wheat. It has a sweet earthy flavor with crusty oats that is legitimately craveable.

The Bottom Line

Yes, indulge yourself and eat that table bread. It’s worth the extra carbs.

Steak Diane

Calories: 1150

This is some damn good steak. It’s simple, seasoned with little more than freshly crushed black pepper, a mushroom-based wine sauce, and some sweet onions, but each bite is bursting with flavor. The steak has a nice chew, with a great charred flavor that pairs perfectly with the earthy notes of pepper. The onion and mushroom wine sauce really ensure that each bite is juicy and tender and the whole thing is served alongside creamy and buttery mashed potatoes, which act as a nice palate cleanser that allows you to experience the intensity of that first bite of Steak Diane over and over again.

The Bottom Line

A round of applause for whoever the hell Diane is, this savory steak is a highlight of the menu.

Chicken and Biscuits

Calories: 1940

While I don’t think the Cheesecake Factory’s Chicken and Biscuits is a dish you absolutely need to try, it is definitely one of my all-time favorite dishes on the menu. This dish is heavily indulgent, featuring chunks of chicken breast smothered in pan gravy alongside mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, mushrooms, and the best part of the entire dish — two perfectly baked biscuits. The gravy ensures that each bite of juicy chicken is savory. The gravy is really delicious, it’s not too heavy and has a runny more sauce-like consistency with a pepper-forward flavor that pairs nicely with the chicken and mashed potatoes, and serves as the perfect dipping sauce for your sweet and buttery biscuits.

I really wish Cheesecake factory offered the biscuits as a table bread, they’re dense without being dry, with a nice buttery and crunchy top. That said, this is the type of dish that’s going to knock you into a food coma, so be aware that this is just as heavy as you imagine it would be.

The Bottom Line

Heavy and comforting, it isn’t exactly the chicken and biscuits of southern cooking, but it’s a delicious chain-based interpretation.

Chicken Madeira

Calories: 1180

The Chicken Madeira has a great flavor, but something about it didn’t quite stick out at my tasting. When I started to dive into the leftovers at home, I really started to understand just how great this dish is. The Madeira features juicy bites of chicken breast served alongside asparagus with slivers of mozzarella cheese on top, all smothered in an umami-packed mushroom Madeira sauce and a side of red-skinned mashed potatoes. The best way to enjoy these flavors is to mix them all together and enjoy.

The Bottom Line

This is easily one of the Factories five best chicken dishes.

Spicy Crispy Chicken Sandwich

Calories: 1090

I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the culinary wonder that is the chicken sandwich so I was fully ready to hit this with some serious scrutiny. But I’m happy to report that Cheesecake Factory’s fried chicken sandwich is f*cking astounding. You can order this sandwich with either spicy buffalo sauce or chipotle mayo, but honestly, either sauce isn’t going to blow you away as much as the chicken itself. It’s juicy and tender and melts in the mouth as soon as you start to chew it, and the flaky crispy batter provides a great crunch and mouthfeel.

The sandwich sits atop a sesame seed brioche bun and is topped with melted jack cheese. The only thing that could make this sandwich better would be the inclusion of bacon, but this sandwich is so big and hearty that you don’t really need it. You might get some sideways glances for ordering a chicken sandwich at Cheesecake Factory, but the mere sight of this thing will make every person sitting at your table feel like they made a mistake by passing on it.

The Bottom Line

Way better than a chicken sandwich from the Cheesecake Factory should be. If you think the height of chicken sandwiches is Popeyes, prepare to have your mind blown.

Must-Try

Carrot Cake

The Cheesecake Factory’s Carrot Cake is so damn good that they should change their name to The Carrot Cake Factory (okay, not my best joke — but also not as hyperbolic as it sounds). This is some high-quality carrot cake, sporting three layers of cake and cream cheese with chunky walnuts and julienned carrots encrusted into the cake, offering a bite that has more texture than cake should, but a flavor that makes it all work.

The cake is moist and way easier to eat than cheesecake since it’s not quite as rich, but you still get that sweetened cream cheese flavor. I like this a lot better than the standard cheesecake, but it still isn’t the best dessert dish I’ve ever had at The Factory, that’s still to come.

The Bottom Line

I promise you, it’s better than the cheesecake.

Fried Macaroni and Cheese

Calories: 1310

If it seems like this is waaaaaaaaaay too high to rank mac and cheese, I get you. But Cheesecake Factory’s Fried Macaroni and Cheese takes your standard mac and cheese and levels it up. The best macaroni and cheese has an oven-baked cheesy crust on it, The Factory elevates that idea by coating balls of creamy mac and cheese in crispy bread crumbs, which provides this usually soft and chewy dish with some much-needed crunch. The result is a dish with a satisfying mouthfeel that reveals molten bites of melted cheese and pasta.

The whole thing is served over a creamy marinara sauce, which adds some nice optional brightness to the dish. It’s not needed, but it’s appreciated. Cut into one of these fried cheese balls with your fork, dredge it across the creamy marinara and bite! You’ll quickly find that this is going to be a must-order app every time you visit.

The Bottom Line

The perfect form factor for macaroni and cheese.

Egg Roll Sampler

Calories: 1340

I was originally going to break up the Egg Roll Sampler into entries for each individual egg roll, but ordering the dish is such a fun experience that I’m going to go ahead and suggest you get the sampler for the table, instead of just your favorite flavor. The four flavors include Cheesecake Factory’s Avocado, Tex Mex, Cheeseburger, and Chicken Taquito egg rolls, and while there is a definite hierarchy to these they all offer a good flavor paired with a delicious sauce.

I’ll start with what I think is the most forgettable egg roll — the Cheeseburger. It’s what it sounds like, a cheeseburger in the form of an egg roll, with ground beef and cheese inside paired with a thousand island-style dipping sauce. It’s a weird way to eat a cheeseburger, but it’s crazy how well they nailed the flavor notes.

Moving on to what is sure to be my editor’s favorite, the Avocado Egg Roll, which is served with a pesto dipping sauce. The roll has some sun-dried tomatoes which add salty brightness, but this egg roll just strikes me as a little too sweet for my liking. If you live for all things avocado this is an easy pick-up, but for me it was just a little too soft, lacking that egg roll crunch you expect to get.

I know I talked a lot of trash about the Factory’s poor attempts at Mexican food, but both the Chicken Taquito and Tex Mex eggrolls are mind-blowingly delicious. The Chicken Taquito tastes like a crunchy, bite-sized chicken enchilada and is served with a creamy avocado-based sauce. The flavors are intense and each bite is surprisingly juicy. But no eggroll can top the Tex Mex, which features tender pieces of white meat chicken with corn, cilantro, and sundried tomatoes served with the closest thing to actual salsa that Cheesecake Factory serves.

This is easily a must-order. You’re guaranteed to have a better eating experience by starting off your meal with this appetizer.

The Bottom Line

Why choose one of the eggrolls when you can just get them all?

Godiva Chocolate Brownie Sundae

Calories: 1760

If you order one dessert at the Cheesecake Factory, it has to be this Godiva Chocolate Brownie Sundae. It may seem weird to go to the Cheesecake Factory and not order you know, cheesecake, or hell even cake, but nothing beats this. Creamy scoops of vanilla ice cream topped with whipped cream and hot fudge are wedged between two dense and chewy Godiva chocolate brownies, with bites of toasted almonds scattered across the whole thing. I highly suggest shaving off a chunk of the brownie with your spoon, letting it sit in the hot fudge, and then spooning some vanilla and whip cream on top of that for the perfect bite.

It’s moist, decadent, and refreshing in a way that cheesecake just isn’t. It doesn’t have the richness of cheesecake, but it’s way easier to share and frankly, looks more impressive on the plate.

The Bottom Line

Cheesecake Factory’s best dessert, hands down.

Spicy Chicken Chipotle Pasta

Calories: 1760

Cheesecake Factory’s food is at its best when its food matches the restaurant’s equally all-over-the-place architecture. The Spicy Chicken Chipotle Pasta, with its mix of chicken, asparagus, bell peppers, peas, garlic, and onions in a spicy Chipotle parmesan cream sauce sounds like some sort of cooking show challenge, but I promise you this dish presents a world of flavors that’ll have you addicted to The Factory. The chicken is glazed in honey, giving it an initial sweet taste that pairs well with the chipotle cream sauce. It’s not quite as spicy as I had hoped, but the refreshing mix of red and yellow bell peppers and the asparagus pairs interestingly with the earthy fried tortilla chips that garnish this dish.

It sounds and looks all over the place, but it delivers visually and on the palate.

The Bottom Line

What sounds like a disaster on the menu translates to a delicious mix of flavors. It’s not spicy, but it’s definitely good.

Cajun Jambalaya Pasta

Calories: 1560

The reason we decided to break up this food ranking into categories, rather than numbers, is because it feels a little unfair to rank something like a salmon salad against a brownie chocolate sundae. But if I absolutely had to pick what I think the best tasting dish at the Cheesecake Factory is, it would be an equal toss-up between the Cajun Jambalaya Pasta and the Spicy Chicken Chipotle Pasta.

Both dishes promise spice — the former has the word “spicy” right in the name and this dish is described as being served in a spicy cajun sauce — and while neither delivers on that front, the Jambalaya pasta offers mouthfuls of intense flavor that I highly recommend (even to anti-chain restaurant food snobs).

Tasting this, I got notes of onion, smoked paprika, earthy black pepper, and oregano, and the slightest hint of cayenne pepper, which provided a subtle heat on the palate, but not one strong enough that this is going to turn off people who can’t handle spice, as it’s very easy to eat. Giant chunks of shrimp and chicken breast make this dish extra hearty and the spinach linguine everything sits atop is a nice touch that never feels too heavy. This dish truly delivers a journey of flavors. The shrimp isn’t fishy, offering a clean and remarkably fresh flavor, with bites of fresh tomato that provide juicy bright bursts to offset this plate’s umami bomb qualities.

An absolute winner. You can eat the whole thing on a bed of rice, but I say give the spinach linguine a try — you won’t be disappointed.

The Bottom Line

Cheesecake Factory’s best pasta. Period.

Over the weekend, the Phoenix Suns prevailed over the Los Angeles Clippers in a matchup that doubled as the lowest-scoring NBA game of the 2020-21 season. Beyond the trivia of the 84-80 rock fight, the Suns also took a 3-1 series lead in the 2021 Western Conference Finals and, by proxy, placed the Clippers in a win-or-go-home position for Game 5 in Phoenix. With their backs against the wall and shorthanded without Kawhi Leonard or Ivica Zubac, the Clippers bounced back on Monday, outlasting the Suns by a 116-102 margin to keep their title hopes alive.

After an offense-challenged performance in Game 4, the Clippers came out firing on Monday. Los Angeles scored the first seven points of the game within 75 seconds and, with the help of 9-of-11 shooting, the Clippers led 20-5 at the outset.

Part of that early onslaught could be attributed to Marcus Morris. The veteran, starting at center in place of Ivica Zubac, made his first six shots in the first seven minutes and, at one point, Morris was out-scoring the Suns by a 13-12 margin by himself.

Los Angeles scored 25 points in the first seven minutes but, just as they appeared to be firing on all cylinders, Phoenix made their first run. The Suns scored nine consecutive points, cutting the deficit to four and seemingly making the Clippers uncomfortable for the first time. However, Los Angeles managed to push their advantage back up to 36-26 at the end of the first quarter, riding 13 points from Morris and 12 points from Reggie Jackson to go along with 65 percent shooting as a team.

With Zubac out, the Clippers also turned to DeMarcus Cousins, and his minutes provided positive early returns. In fact, Cousins scored 10 points in his first five minutes on the floor, keying a 12-4 run that gave Los Angeles a 44-30 lead.

In keeping with the theme of the first half, the Suns countered in short order. Phoenix scored the next 12 points, climbing within just a two-point margin at 44-42.

The remainder of the first half went toward the Clippers, though, as Los Angeles never trailed before halftime in holding a 59-52 advantage. While the visitors didn’t shoot the lights out from the perimeter, the Clippers out-scored the Suns by a 34-8 margin in the paint, and only the three-point line and some brilliant play from Devin Booker (19 points in the first half) kept Phoenix within striking distance.

Phoenix kicked off the third quarter in style, using a 10-2 run to take their first lead of the entire game at 62-61. That success was short-lived, though, as the Clippers reeled off an immediate 10-0 run to regain control, eventually pushing their edge to 82-70 after a pair of three-pointers from Paul George and Patrick Beverley. The back-and-forth nature of the quarter was intriguing but fireworks also arrived between Beverley and Chris Paul, with the former drawing a controversial Flagrant-1 foul that to a five-point possession for Phoenix.

Eventually, the Clippers threw a haymaker late in the third quarter, scoring the final seven points of the period. That gave Los Angeles a 13-point lead and George was heavily responsible, as the All-Star wing scored 20 points in the third quarter alone.

With George off the floor to begin the fourth quarter, the Suns began a comeback bid behind Booker. The talented guard scored six points in 90 seconds, flashing his shotmaking arsenal, and Paul connected on a jumper to complete an 8-0 run that trimmed the margin to 96-91.

Right as things were teetering for Los Angeles as the Suns cut it to a four-point spread, the Clippers put together arguably their best stretch of the evening. Led by eight points from Jackson and more heroics from George, the Clippers pushed their edge to 112-96 with four minutes remaining, effectively putting the game away for good.

With their season on the line, the Clippers produced a monumentally impressive performance, particularly on the offensive side. Los Angeles shot 55 percent from the floor with 58 points in the paint, and they continued to be aggressive throughout the night. George was electric with 41 points, 13 rebounds and six assists in 40 minutes, with Jackson adding 23 points and Morris scoring 22 points in support.

On the Phoenix side, Booker enjoyed a productive performance with 31 points, and Cam Johnson added 14 points and three steals in a very strong effort in reserve duty. However, Deandre Ayton and Chris Paul scuffled throughout the night and the Suns couldn’t generate enough stops to secure the Game 5 win that would have sent them to the 2021 NBA Finals.

From here, the series shifts back to Los Angeles for Game 6. While the Suns remain the favorites to advance with two chances to win one game, the Clippers once again displayed impressive resilience and they will have a chance to force a Game 7 by holding serve at Staples Center on Wednesday evening.

Donald Trump Jr. wasn’t always sure what to do with his life, but in the last five-plus years he’s found a purpose: He’s his father’s most unhinged hype man. Since his dad lost re-election in November, his videos have gone even further into the ether. Bleary-eyed, slurry, incoherent rants have become de rigueur for the 45th president’s oldest (and possibly jailbound) son, prompting much speculation about what may have inspired their ostentatious battiness. But his latest has people kind of worried about his health.

It’s not clear where it was posted, and only a 30-second clip has been making the rounds. (He did just join Cameo, incidentally.) But it finds an even more amped-up than usual Don Jr., on some kind of unfollowable nonsense about Biden and Putin and also…McDonald’s? It seems to (maybe) be about his father’s successor trying to get the Russian president to not spy on him. Or something. Hunter’s in there, too. If there was a larger, more coherent point Jr. was making, it’s not evident from this clip, which manages to meander, even in 30 seconds, all while drowning in bitter sarcasm.

People usually mock Don Jr. over these videos, but this one, people felt, was particularly off the deep end. And many thought maybe he should seek help for whatever’s wrong with him.

Others simply made jokes about you know what.

Or maybe it’s genetic.

Some advised him to maybe write it down first.

And others joked that someone may have paid a lot of money for this.

Of course, Don Jr. has reason to worry. D.C. prosecutors are coming for some of his posse, while his sister’s in trouble, too. And of course, there’s his dad, who has his own problems.