Month: June 2021

Bad Bunny’s 2020 is hard to match when you look at what the Latin singer did through its twelve months. He dropped three projects, YHLQMDLG, Las Que No Iban A Salir, and El Ultimo Tour Del Mundo, which became the first all-Spanish album to top the Billboard album charts. Even outside of the music world, Bad Bunny thrived. He joined the WWE’s Royal Rumble where he took out The Miz from the top rope and he later became a WWE champion by winning the 24/7 Championship belt. While some might’ve thought a break would be up next for Bad Bunny, the singer is pushing full-steam ahead as he returns with a new single.

His latest effort, titled “Yonaguni,” arrives as his own song of the summer entry. Named after a Japanese island, the track carries the rhythms of reggaeton that serve as the foundation of Bad Bunny’s artistry, but it also boasts a relaxing melody that makes “Yonaguni” a song anyone can listen to and enjoy. Bad Bunny also gives fans a visual for the song, one that captures him enjoying normal human activities like making breakfast, practicing karate, walking his dogs, playing video games, partying, and more.

The singer’s latest drop comes after he announced a 2022 North American tour in support of El Ultimo Tour Del Mundo. In less than a week, he sold 480,000 tickets making for the quickest-selling tour since 2018, and one of the fastest-selling in the entirety of Ticketmaster’s history. Shortly after this feat, Bad Bunny brought his talents to the Billboard Music Awards to perform “Te Deseo Lo Mejor.”

Press play on the video above to hear “Yonaguni.”

Roddy Ricch released his debut album, Please Excuse Me For Being Antisocial at the end of 2019, and the year that followed from the Compton rapper proved that the project’s title was a real-life sentiment for him. Roddy’s appearances in the public were limited, and unlike the crop of trap artists he calls contemporaries, he opted to keep his musical releases limited as well. Since Please Excuse Me For Being Antisocial, we’ve only received a handful of features from the Compton native. The dry spell ends tonight as Roddy returns with his latest single, “Late At Night.”

The new song finds Roddy extending his and Mustard’s list of strong rapper-producer collaborations. “Late At Night” fits in the laid-back and uniquely romantic side of the rapper’s catalog, a section that also features fan favorites from Roddy like “High Fashion” and “Bacc Seat,” the former which was also produced by Mustard. “Late At Night” arrives with a video that sees Roddy return home in hopes of recording new music, but he’s quickly distracted by a mysterious Ferris wheel that appears in his backyard. He boards the carnival ride and ends up at a throwback party that leads to a “Thriller”-esque ending.

Back in August, Roddy told fans during an Instagram livestream that his sophomore album would arrive “soon as f*ck.” While ten months is pushing the limits of the word “soon,” even the way the music industry uses it, that time frame seems more appropriate now than it did back in August. As for a name, Roddy’s next project is reportedly titled Love Is Barely Real Anymore, which appears to be the rapper’s own acronym for L.I.B.R.A., his astrology sign.

You can listen to “Late At Night” in the video above.

Roddy Ricch is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Miami will be overrun with cryptocurrency fans this weekend, as the sunny Florida city will host a Bitcoin conference for those eager to see the currency take over the world. And if Elon Musk and Dogecoin enthusiasts can make it happen, perhaps their preferred cryptocurrency will have its own conference with Elon Musk picking the playlist.

Dogecoin has been a focus of Musk in recent months, including an SNL appearance where he quite literally explained cryptocurrency and danced like Wario, among other things. That very public splash with Dogecoin didn’t send it to the moon as he’d hoped, but the crypto faithful still have high hopes for the coin, which is why many are eyeing their own conference in the future. And apparently Musk is interested in making it happen, too.

Musk was mentioned in a tweet about a potential Dogecoin conference, which said that he would DJ at the hypothetical event where Dogecoin could be used “as payment for everything.” And the billionaire with more than 56 million followers on Twitter responded, saying it would be “fun.”

That’s far from saying things are officially in the works, but Musk is a man who once jokingly tweeted about tunnel boring and turned that into a real, flamethrower-selling company. So we’ll see if Musk ends up on a turntable at a Dogecon after all.

[via Newsweek]

The Portland Trail Blazers season has come to an end after they blew a 14-point lead at home in Game 6 of their series against the Denver Nuggets, as Nikola Jokic took over late and Damian Lillard’s run of heroic efforts finally ran out of gas.

After a second straight first-round exit, and this one without the injury issues they faced in the Bubble a year ago, the expectation is for Portland to look to make some major moves this offseason. They gave this core group from their 2019 trip to the West Finals a chance to run it back and make one more playoff run, but they just weren’t able to provide Damian Lillard with enough support, something many have complained about for some time.

Lillard was asked about what he wants to see Portland do this offseason and whether he believes changes are necessary and he offered an honest response, noting that if the Blazers couldn’t beat a Nuggets team without three of their best guards in Jamal Murray, Will Barton, and PJ Dozier, then they are clearly not good enough to compete for championships and something’s got to change.

It’s a fair assessment from Dame, but will certainly raise some eyebrows. Portland has a lot of decisions to make, starting with Jusuf Nurkic who was the Blazers second best player in the series rather consistently. As for Nurkic’s future, he wasn’t exactly certain about whether he’ll be back, noting he’s not pleased with the situation as it stands right now and that he’ll let Rich Paul take care of handling possible negotiations with the Blazers as he is on a non-guaranteed deal for next season.

It’s obvious that the way this season ended has left a bitter taste in the collective mouths of the Blazers, and there is an expectation that next year will feature a number of new faces — including at head coach, although Terry Stotts shrugged off questions about his future noting he’s got two years left on his deal. Nurkic showed his value to the Blazers in this series, but still could be moved, and it feels like Portland’s front office will pretty much listen to overtures from other teams for anyone not named Lillard. We’re a few months away from reaching the point where the Blazers can act on a rebuilding plan, but that won’t stop speculation from swirling about what moves the Blazers will make because as Dame noted, some change is going to be necessary.

In the lead up to Game 6 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Phoenix Suns on Thursday evening, the No. 1 topic was the health status of Anthony Davis. The All-NBA big man left Game 4 with a groin injury and was unable to play in what became a blowout loss for the Lakers in Game 5. As such, the availability of Davis was seemingly (quite) important to Los Angeles as they attempted to avoid elimination but, in short, it appears as if allowing Davis to take the floor may have been a misstep.

Davis took the floor for less than six minutes and, in addition to being visibly limited in his athleticism and explosiveness, he seemed to be in pain. Finally, he left for the locker room with the Lakers in an early hole on the scoreboard and with ominous overall vibes.

It remains to be seen as to whether the Lakers can climb out of the early deficit. With that said, there is a potential conversation to be had about whether Davis should have been allowed to take the floor in what was clearly a hampered state. The most important thing is his health, of course, but the Lakers also desperately need both of their stars available to be what they need to be to defend their title, and LeBron James may have to lead the way alone.

Davis would return late in the first quarter to the bench with his leg heavily wrapped, which, despite an official diagnosis of “questionable” to return, seemed to indicate his night was likely done.

Damian Lillard stole the show in the NBA on Tuesday, scoring 55 points and converting 12 three-pointers in a double-overtime loss to the Denver Nuggets. Even with Lillard’s heroics, the Blazers faced elimination in Game 6 on Thursday, with no margin for error against a talented opponent. While Portland led for large portions of another memorable contest, it was the Nuggets that made the second half charge, and Denver put things away in crunch time to advance to the second round with a 126-115 victory.

The early moments of the game belonged to Michael Porter Jr., who put on a shooting display for Denver. The talented forward made his first six shots, including five three-pointers, and scored 22 points in the opening period.

Denver’s offense was tremendous as a result of Porter’s effectiveness, but the Blazers kept pace. Portland scored 19 points on their first 11 possessions to withstand the barrage, and Lillard was stellar in his own right. Lillard scored 12 first-quarter points, and the Blazers led by four points after 12 minutes, weathering the early storm.

The second quarter continued to be charged by offense on both sides, though the two teams battled turnover issues. Portland built as much as a 10-point lead but, after Denver cut into the margin, Lillard buried a three-pointer on the final possession to give the Blazers a seven-point halftime edge.

The late three-pointer from Lillard set a new NBA Playoff record for the most triples in a single series, and Lillard scored 19 points and dished out seven assists prior to halftime. As a team, Portland shot 59.5 percent from the floor with 11 three-pointers, and the Nuggets were searching for answers despite a highly efficient offensive half.

The two offenses continued to find success in the third quarter, to the surprise of no one. Portland drew first blood, scoring 27 points in the first eight minutes and building as much as a 14-point lead. On cue, Denver answered, using a 9-0 run to slash the margin and finally generating some defensive stops down the stretch of the third quarter. Nuggets guard Monte Morris then converted a buzzer-beating three-pointer to bring Denver back within a 101-98 margin with 12 minutes left.

While Denver’s recovery was unquestionably a team effort, Jokic was the No. 1 reason for the charge. The presumptive MVP put the offense on his back, scoring 20 points in the quarter and acting as the team’s fulcrum in myriad ways.

The Nuggets kept charging when the fourth quarter opened, scoring the first four points of the period. When Morris scored at the 10:10 mark, Denver capped an 18-4 run across quarters, erasing a 13-point deficit in fewer than five minutes. Immediately, Portland answered and, with the starters coming back on the floor for both teams, the stage was set for more fireworks in what was already a thoroughly watchable series.

At a suboptimal time, the Blazers went cold, scoring only two points in more than five minutes. As that was taking place, the Nuggets continued to score with efficiency, including more stellar play from Jokic.

Portland’s dry spell, combined with Denver’s production, led to a 17-2 overall run for the Nuggets. The final result of the spurt was an 11-point edge for Denver with little more than three minutes remaining on the clock.

As he has done consistently, Lillard attempted to help the Blazers out of the hole. He scored the next five points over a 38-second span, cutting the deficit to just six with 2:29 to go. It wasn’t enough, though, as the Nuggets quickly scored to stop the mini-spurt and the Blazers endured back-to-back empty possessions on the offensive end. From there, Denver’s lead never dipped below six points and, when Aaron Gordon converted something of a dagger with a three-pointer in the final minute, the result was secure.

Jokic was masterful for the Nuggets, particularly in the second half. He finished the night with 36 points, eight rebounds and six assists, with all but nine of his points after the halftime break. Morris was also stellar yet again for Denver, producing 22 points and nine assists in a reserve role, and Porter Jr. added 26 points for the Nuggets.

On Portland’s side, Lillard led with 28 points and 13 assists, but he did not find quite enough support on this night. In the grand scheme, the Blazers scored more than enough to win, but a 14-point fourth quarter proved costly for the home team in Portland.

The Blazers will now begin what could be a highly interesting offseason, as many feel they will look to make a fairly significant overhaul after coming up short once again. At the same time, the Nuggets move on to the second round to face the winner of the series between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Phoenix Suns.

Fresh off a knockout victory over Jorge Masvidal, Kamaru Usman took off his gloves and squared off with some of the spiciest wings on the planet as a guest on “Hot Ones.”

As Usman worked his way up the Scoville scale, Usman took on a range of topics including his walkout music, quotes he finds inspirational and his style of breaking opponents mentally.

“I want (opponents) to wilt. I want to break them internally, where after this fight, they’ll remember this for the rest of their lives,” Usman said. “The biggest way to do that is fatigue. I have to be able to see when fatigue is setting in. When a fight starts, they’re very active and they have a scowl on their face. When they fatigue, that scowl slowly starts to go away and their hands aren’t as high anymore, they aren’t as activated. When I start to see these signs, I start to step on that gas and I want to break you, inside.”

When the conversation turned to respect vs. entertainment and, conversely, picking his favorite bouts, Usman couldn’t help but smile when recalling the leadup and eventual conclusion of his first showdown with Colby Covington.

“I put the majority (of my wins) on the same plane because each and every fight represents a different challenge,” Usman said. “My favorite was when this kid (Colby Covington) was jaw jacking too much, talking all this trash, saying he was going to do this, leave me on a stretcher, I’m Donald Trump’s favorite fighter, I’m this and that and all of the above, brought in religion, talked about my family, my former manager, my current manager. He did everything possible. Then to go in there and to physically break his jaw, then knock his ass out, was probably one of my favorites.”

The timing of this episode couldn’t be better, as it comes less than 24 hours after UFC president Dana White confirmed Usman’s next welterweight title defense will come in a rematch against Covington. There is currently no date set on Usman’s next showdown, but it’s telling how dominant Usman has been in the division that he’s making a second trips across the division with Masvidal and now Covington.

Navy pilots have definitely seen some weird things they can’t explain according to the US government, but as of right now no one can definitively say those things are aliens. You know, yet.

One of the many extremely weird stories from the Trump presidency was some very strange talk about unidentified flying objects that US Navy pilots had observed in recent years. It all got buried under the constant barrage of controversies and an eventual insurrection attempt, but it was minor news when foreign officials said that Trump knew about aliens and just wasn’t tweeting it out like he did about everything else. But according to a new report, the US government still isn’t ready to declare they’ve discovered aliens hanging out on earth just yet.

As the New York Times details, more than 100 incidents over the last 20 years of strange reports from Navy pilots definitely did not feature American military craft. But beyond that, well, no one really knows what pilots are seeing so no one can officially call them aliens.

The report determines that a vast majority of more than 120 incidents over the past two decades did not originate from any American military or other advanced U.S. government technology, the officials said. That determination would appear to eliminate the possibility that Navy pilots who reported seeing unexplained aircraft might have encountered programs the government meant to keep secret.

But that is about the only conclusive finding in the classified intelligence report, the officials said. And while a forthcoming unclassified version, expected to be released to Congress by June 25, will present few other firm conclusions, senior officials briefed on the intelligence conceded that the very ambiguity of the findings meant the government could not definitively rule out theories that the phenomena observed by military pilots might be alien spacecraft.

The Times report has many more details about the actual incidents, as well as what some speculate they might be. Is it China or Russia experimenting with hypersonic travel? Spy missions with tech we’ve never seen? Or little green men? Well, we still don’t know. Or at least that’s what Uncle Sam would like you to believe. Because right now, the official word is essentially an acknowledgement that it’s all very weird, but could be just about anything but known American tech.

The report concedes that much about the observed phenomena remains difficult to explain, including their acceleration, as well as ability to change direction and submerge. One possible explanation — that the phenomena could be weather balloons or other research balloons — does not hold up in all cases, the officials said, because of changes in wind speed at the times of some of the interactions.

Some added interest in the sightings accumulated in recent weeks, as reports about the phenomena were actually addressed by former president Barack Obama during an interview with James Corden.

“There is footage and records of objects in the skies that we don’t know exactly what they are,” last month, stopping short of saying “dem aliens” exist but admitting there is official reporting about some odd stuff no one seems to understand. The new Times report about the government findings doesn’t change things all that much, but it’s also not the smoking gun on alien activity many were hoping it to be.

[via NY Times]

May marked six months since the world was shocked with the news of MF DOOM’s passing, a death that actually occurred on October 31, 2020, but was withheld by his family until the end of the calendar year. The announcement sent ripples throughout the hip-hop world as many took to social media to share their condolences and their best memories that involved the late rapper.Last month, the first posthumous piece of music with MF DOOM arrived through a joint album with Czarface (Esoteric and Wu-Tang’s Inspectah Deck) titled, Super What?. Now the late rapper’s voice can be found alongside The Avalanches.

The electronic band tapped the late rapper to join them for a remix of “Tonight May Have To Last Me All My Life” on the 20th anniversary deluxe reissue of The Avalanches’ 2000 debut album, Since I Left You. The updated track keeps most of the song’s original production intact while bringing in a new dose of energy thanks to DOOM’s slick lyricism and undeniable energy.

Shortly after his death, it was revealed that DOOM was very close to completing a sequel to his and Madlib’s Madvillain album Madvillainy, often saying it was “85% done” according to Peanut Butter Wolf, the founder of Stones Throw Records. As for The Avalanches, the song is just one of 15 remixes that will appear on the deluxe reissue of Since I Left You.

You can listen to the “Tonight May Have To Last Me All My Life” remix in the video above.

Since I Left You (20th Anniversary Deluxe Edition) is out 6/4 via Modular Recordings. Pre-order it here.

Has there ever been a season of Top Chef where the favorites have been this obvious? The only season that comes close in my mind is season five, when Stefan Richter won damn near every challenge leading up to the finale, when he lost to Hosea Rosenberg like the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. Of course, that season had just one obvious favorite. This time around, there’s at least two, possibly three, and it’s so close between them that the show manages to be both predictable and exciting at the same time.

Anyway, this week began with a Chipotle challenge. As Padma explained it, “Our friends at Chipotle have provided these 53 real ingredients that they use to make their food fresh every day.”

Wow, real ingredients? Count me in, dude. The only thing I hate more than fake ingredients are fake friends.

Whereas the challenges seemed pretty straightforward this week, the show tried to compensate with EVER MORE COMPLICATED JUDGING SCHEMES! This meant that not only would the chefs “use these ingredients to make something unique for us,” the six of them would be doing a series of three head-to-head battles. Two would make something “tangy and crunchy” for Tom, two would cook something “smokey and charred” for Gail, and two something “spicy and tart” for Padma, that spicy tart (just kidding, please don’t cancel me).

That was kind of a fun twist, though part of me wishes they’d just gone full Cafe Gratitude with it and forced the chefs to design a dish based on how the judges were feeling that day. “I want something that says ‘heroic.” “I’m still trying to process my relationship with my dad.” “I’m feeling very temporary about myself right now,” and so forth. It could be like the Derek Delgaudio special of cooking battles (what would The Rouletista eat?).

Meanwhile, if you’ve been following the judges on Instagram, you may have noticed them posting their “Top Chef journeys,” a meme which I have to think was inspired by Steve’s meditation on what fame does to dorky chefs and their personas in this column from a few weeks ago. Whatever the case, please enjoy Richard Blais’s pasta hands and Dale Talde’s camo hoodie.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CPmXpVwLh7C/

https://www.instagram.com/p/CPmfi1BjgOy/

Oh, Richard Blais. It seems like he has a bit of that David Spade thing going on, where every hairstyle feels like a temporary experiment. The faux hawk though… man. People forget how many faux hawks there used to be on Top Chef. Top Chef used to be America’s number one source of faux hawks.

Anyhoo, after that it was time for a tofu battle. The chefs got to visit Ota Tofu to learn how the vegan sausage is made, then got together for another tournament-style challenge. This three-round format, in which the goal was more not to lose rather than to win (the better they cooked the fewer rounds they had to participate in), required lots of judging. In this house, there is no winner! There are only “not losers!”

Luckily, Tom brought his most serious hat for the occasion:

There’s a little room up there for extra thinkin’. I’d like to imagine that if you could see inside Tom’s mind in this shot it would just look like Jackie Treehorn’s notepad in The Big Lebowski.

RESULTS:

Quickfire Challenge Top Three: Shota, Dawn*, Gabe. (*winner)

Elimination Challenge:

Round One: Shota d. Maria (5-5 tiebreaker). Gabe d. Dawn (5-5 tiebreaker). Jamie d. Byron (9-1)

Round Two: Maria d. Byron and Dawn. (9-1 over Byron, Dawn via DQ)

Round Three: Dawn d. Byron

6. (even) ((Eliminated)) Byron Gomez

AKA: Manolo. Burger King. Goldblum.

It was looking like it was curtains for Byron early on in this episode and he ended up fulfilling expectations. In an episode defined by razor-thin margins of victory, where the first two head-to-head battles in the elimination challenge came down to tiebreakers, Byron got trounced 9-1 by Jamie and then 9-1 by Maria.

Still, that only sounds bad because the other matches came out to ties. Even in his own lopsided losses two professional chefs still thought Byron’s dishes were the winner. It’s pretty amazing that there were no unanimous winners in that context. The dissenting judges should’ve been forced to explain their decisions. Anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant knows that no matter how perfect a dish you put out there’s always going to be someone who doesn’t like it for completely arcane and arbitrary reasons.

“Yeah, this dish was great… it’s just that I only eat chicken in the shape of dinosaurs.”

In any case, pour one out for Rico Suave, the Costa Rican sensation. I’ll be rooting for him to take down Sara in the Last Chance Kitchen finale if only so I don’t have to hear her anxiously laugh at herself for two more episodes.

5. (-1) Maria Mazon

AKA: Gas Can. Backdraft. James Brown. Mole Maria.

Maria opened this episode thinking she had the tools to dominate the Mexican challenge, only to lose to Shota. I have to think that was because she fried her avocado. Does anyone else have a strong aversion to cooked avocado? It’s perfect raw. Or maybe I’m just the dumb baby in my own joke about chicken shaped like dinosaurs?

Maria had a chance for revenge against Shota on Shota’s turf, and it was looking like it was going to be a disaster. First Maria’s chosen filling, the okara chorizo, didn’t pan out and she had to toss it in the trash. Imagine that? The gritty byproduct of ground soybeans that they strain out of tofu to keep it from being gritty turned out… gritty. I think she probably should’ve figured that out without having to cook it first, but oh well. Maria pivoted to a tofu-dough masa, which didn’t set in time.

Again, did she not test her own masa?? That was like the main component!

Even with all that working against her, you have to consider it a moral victory that Maria still managed to battle the tofu king Shota to a 5-5 tie in a tofu battle. She lost the tiebreaker, but also: don’t we deserve to know how that tiebreaker worked? The judges just shout at each other until one judge admits that they were wrong, or what? Where is that footage? “My bad, guys, I actually have bad taste and am a dumb baby.” -Richard Blaise

Maria’s instincts and ability to make tasty food have taken her this far, but it feels like some of the holes in her food knowledge are starting to get exposed this far into the competition. She’s looking like the plucky underdog going into the final challenges.

Notable Quote:

“I’m like a kid in a candy store with all these Mexican ingredients.”

Notable Critique:

“I thought the masa was just mush. The tofu wasn’t treated well at all.”

4. (+1) Jamie Tran

Aka: Splat. Police Academy. Womp Womp. Hello Kitty.

Speaking of underdogs, there was the previously eliminated Jamie, who came into this looking like one of the weaker chefs and ended up making what sounded like the best dish of the episode, her tofu-stuffed banh xeo (Vietnamese crispy crepe). That was a straightforward dish that sounded like something I’d order. Jamie has come a long way since her broccoli couscous curry disaster (also the name of my punk band’s obscure side project).

Notable Critique:

“You can eat like 12 of these.”

3. (even) Shota Nakajima

AKA: Beavis. Big Gulps.

Big Gulps came out of the gate hot, or at least spicily, beating Maria at her own Mexican food game and nearly burning Padma’s pants off in the process (would love to see that R-rated episode of Top Chef, by the way. Top Chef After Dark: Bottomless Judging Edition.) He solidified his top contender status in the process, but then solidified his bottom-of-the-top-three status by nearly getting beaten by Maria at his own game in the tofu challenge.

That being said, doing food two or three or four different ways has traditionally been the kiss of death on Top Chef, and Shota managed to win while doing tofu six ways. Buddy, that’s too many ways. You don’t get bonus points for self-sabotage. Cook smarter, not harder.

Notable Critique:

“While Shota used tofu six different ways, it all tasted the same.”

2. (even) Gabe Erales

AKA: Good Gabe. Canelo. Fozzy. The Foz. The Masa Father. Jamón.

For the second or third week straight it feels like a tough choice at the top of the rankings. On the one hand, Dawn looked like she narrowly escaped going home and Big Fozzy came through near the top of both challenges. On the other, she beat Gabe at his own game in the quickfire and I think I have to give her some of the benefit of losing via injury in the elimination second round.

The Foz busted out all the weird tricks this week, too — like roasting his pork loin in “bay leaf oil” and choosing not to smoke the components of his sauce but the finished sauce itself. That’s some galaxy brain-ass cooking technique right there. That wasn’t quite good enough to win the quickfire but he did barely edge out Dawn in the elimination challenge first round. This one is basically a pick-em.

Notable Critique:

“He didn’t braise it. He dropped it in a sauce and brought it up.”

1. (even) Dawn Burrell

AKA: Hothead. ‘Sheed. Legs. Breaking Dawn. Milk Carton. The Sphynx. Zeus. Flamethrower.

Rollercoaster of an episode for my odds-on favorite this week. She won a Mexican food challenge and then leading up to the tofu battle revealed that she has experience working in a modern Japanese restaurant. For a second there it sounded like she was about to run away with this thing, but then it seemed like she might be back to her self-sabotaging ways from the first two episodes.

I wince a little every time the chefs go ham on the mandolin slicers in this show (they go so fast! and seemingly carelessly!) so when Dawn actually sliced her finger on one it was borderline traumatizing. She ended up having to throw out some components and her “Nashville hot tofu” (which sounded like one of the best dishes of the episode) was disqualified on account of not having 10 completed portions. Come on, you pussies, man up and eat some blood.

For a second there it seemed like the injury may have gotten in Dawn’s head, but when Dawn and Byron put up two strikingly similar dessert dishes (both tofu mousses with mango) the judges probably realized that choosing an underdog like Byron over the winner of like seven out of the last 10 challenges (I don’t know the actual stat, I’m not looking this up) would incite a viewer revolt and gave Dawn the narrow victory.

My galaxy brain take is that getting eliminated might’ve actually been better for Dawn. That way she could’ve popped down to Last Chance Kitchen and had a chance to beat Sara in a one-off battle, then returned to the show just in time for the finale, rather than have to wait for Sara (presumably) to win Last Chance Kitchen and then have to keep beating her and everyone else until the end of the show.

That’s just the kind of genius thinking you can expect from a cooking show expert like me. I’d probably be out there solving cold fusion if I wasn’t here trying to think up new nicknames that rhyme with “Saucier.”

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Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.