Raising kids is tough, but there’s a lot of laughs along the way.
Comedy writer James Breakwell has four daughters under the age of eight and shares their hilarious conversations on Twitter. And, from Breakwell’s tweets, it looks like his five year old has a future in comedy.
Here’s a sampling of some Breakwell’s funniest kid-inspired tweets.
1.
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5:… https://t.co/ltS8vCH4Vi
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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2.
3.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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4.
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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5.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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6.
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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7.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He’s not. He’s saving her life.
5: I’d rather die.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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8.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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9.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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10.
Me: You can’t like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I’m never sleeping again.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
1460388284.0
11.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. http://t.co/36hCfd1z5s
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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12.
13.
5-year-old: I’m writing a book.
Me: What’s it called?
5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.
Me: Oh.
5: It’s just pretend… https://t.co/dPQCkOzvIM
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
1523975066.0
14.
5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*
Me: Cupcakes aren’t a breakfast food.
5: I know. They’re an all-day food.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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15.
Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
1523279528.0
16.
Me: You’re still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I’ll get dressed soon.
Me: It’s 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don’t rush me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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17.
[spring break]
5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?
Me: Monday.
5: *slides me a penny* When now?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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18.
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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19.
5-year-old: *won’t get out of bed*
Me: I don’t want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
1522847748.0
20.
Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It’s going to be a long night.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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21.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
1522762976.0
22.
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn’t know that.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
1522096312.0
23.
Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re still in bed.
5: I’m sleeping faster.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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24.
25.
5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?
Me: Only if you want to.
5: Call me Shredder.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
1521585950.0
His 5-year-old isn’t the only (often unintentionally) hilarious child in the house; the 7-year-old and 3-year-old turn up from time to time. There’s also a 2-year-old, but she hasn’t been the subject of many tweets yet.
26.
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!
7-year-old: Love hurts.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
1512230800.0
27.
Me: What are you doing?
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren’t any presents under the… https://t.co/kBz0Upf1NQ
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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28.
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What’s her name?
Me: She doesn’t have one. You can name her.
3: *kissing baby*… https://t.co/P9rSuF1fzV
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
1511877311.0
29.
7-year-old: I’m glad I’m not a boy.
Me: Why?
7: I like being smart.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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30.
3-year-old: Mommy married you.
Me: Yeah.
3: Why?
Wife: Nobody knows.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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31.
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It’s soft like a kitty.
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
2: Purrrr.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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32.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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33.
34.
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That’s where I put my candy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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35.
7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?
Me: It’s Easter.
7: Jesus just wore robes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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36.
Me: Do you know why they call it Good Friday?
7-year-old: There’s no school.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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37.
38.
7-year-old: You should let me eat more candy.
Me: Why?
7: Then you won’t eat it.
She’s my new diet plan.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
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