Month: July 2021

With Vince Staples’ long-awaited self-titled album dropping this Friday, he’s doing the usual media tour, stopping by the hometown radio station, Power 106, to deliver an in-depth freestyle on the LA Leakers show over a classic West Coast instrumental. Taking on the beat from Dr. Dre’s 1999 2001 standout, “Xxplosive,” the Long Beach native gets especially busy with a wordplay-riddled verse that names names, makes big claims, and casts a skeptical glare at the rap game.

Let’s talk about those claims though. Among them, Vince insists:

– He’s done more for the Black community “than them Obamas did.”
– He has tagged the walls in his neighborhood every week.
– He fell off the grid in order to attend fútbol games in Spain.
– He lived out his favorite songs, which include 50 Cent’s “Many Men.”
– He will kill you if you say his name in his song. No rap.

Also, he shouts out Carmelitos, a place very near and dear to my heart. I’ll go ahead and say it: This is the best LA Leakers freestyle in a while.

In addition to absolutely disintegrating the Power 106 microphone, Vince has released two singles for the album, “Law Of Averages” and “Are You With That?,” written a comic book, Limbo Beach, and reminded fans he’s been real since Summertime 06.

Watch Vince Staples’ “explosive” LA Leakers freestyle above.

Vince Staples drops 7/9 on Blacksmith/Motown. Pre-save it here.

There aren’t many consistencies in the world of video games, but one thing we know for certain is we’re always going to have a new Assassin’s Creed game on the way. The long-running Ubisoft franchise has been an almost yearly release for a decade now and is easily their largest title. When games get as big as Assassin’s Creed has, there is a goal from companies to make them even bigger and more profitable. Lately, that solution has involved going the live services route.

Assassin’s Creed is reportedly planning to go the same way. In a report from Jason Schreier at Bloomberg, it was revealed that the next Assassin’s Creed release is going to be a live services game with an evolving world. While this is a game clearly still in the early stages, with years of development time ahead of it, there is a definite plan here to turn Assassin’s Creed into the next live service giant a la Grand Theft Auto Online, Fortnite, and the NBA 2K franchise.

Assassin’s Creed, a video game franchise set in huge worlds where each one can take hundreds of hours to complete, is getting even bigger. A new project, which is known inside Ubisoft Entertainment SA by the code name Assassin’s Creed Infinity, sets out to create a massive online platform that evolves over time, according to people familiar with its development.

The existence of the game was confirmed to Bloomberg and is going to be developed through a combined effort of Ubisoft Montreal and Ubisoft Quebec. Ubisoft themselves confirmed much of this information in a blog post to fans about the future of Assassins Creed.

Along with our announcement of new content coming for Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, we wanted to share some key updates on the talented and creative minds that will now be working in a collaborative, cross-studio structure between Ubisoft Montreal and Ubisoft Quebec that will guide, grow, evolve, and define the overall future of Assassin’s Creed that includes an important upcoming, early-in-development project codenamed Assassin’s Creed Infinity.

How the average fan of Assassin’s Creed feels about this likely varies. There are people who genuinely enjoy games as a service because it’s a series they can continue to play for years — worlds evolve, new content is added, and it’s a game that never really ends. For these people, they can enter the Assassin’s Creed universe and always expect new content to dive into.

However, there are others who hate the very existence of service-based games, because while all of the positives to it sound great, there’s usually a real-world cost to it. Microtransactions, yearly subscription fees, content hidden behind paywalls, and loot boxes are the bane of many players’ gaming experience and service-based games are usually full of them. If Assassin’s Creed goes this route, then to these players, it’s just another game meant to take money out of them for just wanting to play.

Along with being an award-winning musician, Halsey is an incredibly talented painter. That’s why it’s incredibly fitting that the cover art to her upcoming If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power, written with Nine Inch Nails’ Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, is inspired by the painting “Virgin And Child Surrounded By Angels,” from Jean Fouquet’s Melun Diptych. Halsey just unveiled her LP’s artwork, and true to the era it was inspired by, it shows her freeing the nipple.

Halsey is posed looking exceptionally regal on her If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power album cover. She sports a jeweled crown and is seated on a grand golden throne. She holds a child in one arm and side of her lilac dress is tucked down to expose her breast.

Explaining the concept in a post on Instagram, Halsey wrote:

“This album is a concept album about the joys and horrors of pregnancy and childbirth. It was very important to me that the cover art conveyed the sentiment of my journey over the past few months. The dichotomy of the Madonna and the Whore. The idea that me as a sexual being and my body as a vessel and gift to my child are two concepts that can co-exist peacefully and powerfully. My body has belonged to the world in many different ways the past few years, and this image is my means of reclaiming my autonomy and establishing my pride and strength as a life force for my human being.

This cover image celebrates pregnant and postpartum bodies as something beautiful, to be admired. We have a long way to go with eradicating the social stigma around bodies & breastfeeding. I hope this can be a step in the right direction!”

In other Halsey news, the singer recently announced that her pronouns are she/they. She updated her social media bios to reflect the change, later explaining her reason. “for those asking RE: my updated IG bio, I am happy with either pronouns 🙂 the inclusion of ‘they’, in addition to ‘she’, feels most authentic to me,” she wrote. “If you know me at all you know what it means to me to express this outwardly. thanks for being the best.”

See Halsey’s If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power cover art below and watch her unveil the artwork at the Metropolitan Museum Of Art above.

If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power is out 8/27 via Capitol. Pre-order it here.

Bleachers, aka producer to the stars Jack Antonoff, and Jason Isbell announced today the release a special split 7-inch with the proceeds benefitting The Ally Coalition. Released via RCA Records, the 7-inch is out now and features Bleachers covering Isbell’s “Dreamsicle,” which Isbell And The 400 Unit released in April 2020. And in a cute switcharoo, the 7-inch also has Isbell covering Bleachers’ “45,” which Antonoff released in November of last year.

According to a release, the split 7-inch is available as a physical-only product, limited to 1,000 copies. Of the release, Antonoff said in a statement, “Jason Isbell is the sh*t!” (Succinct!) Isbell added, “Love this Bleachers song, I love what Jack did with ‘Dreamsicle.’ This was a hell of a lot of fun!”

Earlier in June, Antonoff announced the return of his band with a third full-length album, Take The Sadness Out Of Saturday Night, coming 7/30 via RCA. He also recently unveiled singles “Stop Making This Hurt” and earlier tracks “Chinatown,” “How Dare You Want More,” and the Ispell-covered “45.” Meanwhile, Isbell’s seventh studio album, Reunions (his fourth effort with The 400 Unit), dropped in May 2020.

Check out a teaser for each song above. Bleachers’ and Isbell’s special 7-inch is out now via RCA Records. Buy it here. Pre-order Bleachers’ Take The Sadness Out Of Saturday Night here, and purchase Isbell’s Reunions here.

The Boys will eventually return for a third season, although one would be well advised to not ask when it will happen, at least not on Twitter, under penalty of threatened delay. As far as details go, we know that the “Herogasm” episode (which is exactly what it sounds like) will feature prominently, and Jensen Ackles got jacked to play Soldier Boy. Further, we’re now receiving a form of propaganda straight from Vought International, which is the very factory that’s churning out all of those camera-friendly Supes.

Amazon Prime released the first glimpse of a new video series that’s titled, Seven on 7 on VNN [Vought News Network]. These will be full-fledged episodes that feature seven new stories (as well as a commercial) per episode, all aimed to bridge that gap between seasons. As one can see above (and below), Cameron Coleman and his “honesty” vibes would fit right in at a certain cable news network (no bowtie, though).

Showrunner Eric Kripke had a little too much fun with this statement:

“Since the very start of THE BOYS, we’ve seen Vought’s propaganda arm — I mean, news channel — VNN. We’ll be digging deeper into those fair and balanced patriots next season, so as a teaser, we’re introducing ‘Seven on 7’ with VNN’s biggest star Cameron Coleman. The episodes are in world canon, serving up brand new information that bridges the story gap between Seasons 2 and 3. So enjoy the hot takes and catheter commercials, just like your parents do!”

Oh boy. John Oliver would have fun with those commercials, among other things, and the “fair and balanced” description sure isn’t subtle. However, Amazon’s putting it out there that the @VoughtINTL social media channels won’t break the fourth wall and will slide right into The Boys world, even if it reminds us far too much of real life.

Stay tuned for more VNN, and maybe we’ll get a Season 3 release date someday, too.

Sharon Stone sure seems to have a thing for masked rappers. Last year, the Oscar-winning actress wore a prop mask from the film Gladiator while lounging around her pool — the same prop used by late, great rapper MF DOOM to hide his identity and cause mischief in media appearances during his career — prompting fans to wonder whether she is a secret DOOM fan.

Now, she’s made a few public appearances with another masked rapper (who has drawn DOOM comparisons of his own), generating a new set of, well, rumors. Stone and “Rascal” rapper RMR were reportedly seen at dates all around LA by Page Six, with the Basic Instinct actress donning one of RMR’s signature ski masks at hotspots like Delilah and The Highlight Room.

Page Six posits that the two have been dating for “the last few months,” citing some of their interactions on social media as well as an unnamed source who said, “They’re enjoying each other’s company right now and hanging out. They’re having a great time together.” While that may seem an odd conclusion to jump to, considering Stone previously vented about being booted from dating app Bumble because no one believed it was really her, I can see why they could make that romantic reach.

Meanwhile, the news has sent some fans on Twitter into a speculation tizzy, as the seemingly odd couple draws a fair share of attention for the pairing. While some fans are just flabbergasted, others see a possible marketing ploy at play. Whatever the explanation, both celebrities seem game and they’ve generated enough rumors for the rapper to live up to his name. Check out some responses below.

Cardi B announced she is pregnant with her second child in a big way. The rapper waited to share the news until her performance with Migos at the 2021 BET Awards last month. She walked on stage to deliver her “Type Sh*t” verse in a bedazzled jumpsuit that showed off her sizeable baby bump. Ever since making the announcement, Cardi has been no stranger to sharing pregnancy updates. But she also revealed a trick that allowed her to expertly hide her baby bump for months.

Cardi B recently took to social media to share her secret to slimming her waist, showing that it’s all about angles. In a TikTok overlaid with the “How would they know?” audio, Cardi flexes in a skin-tight jumpsuit. From head-on, Cardi’s baby bump is completely hidden. But once she turns to the side, it’s clear that the rapper is several months pregnant.

Now that Cardi has gone public with her baby bump, she’s able to share a handful of gorgeous pregnancy photos. The most recent set features a loving embrace by Offset and an adorable portrait with her daughter Kulture. “I just know these two will love each other soo much and argue soo much since they’re 3 years apart…just like me and Henny,” she said about her daughter’s relationship with her second child. “But one thing for sure is they’ll have each other’s back like no one else ever will.”

Cardi B is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Isaiah Rashad has been teasing his upcoming album The House Is Burning for some time and today, he revealed just when the long-awaited comeback project will arrive. In a bit of good news for fans of the Top Dawg Entertainment-associated artist, the album will be dropping at the end of the month, on July 30. He also provided the cover art, which resembles a crayon drawing of a house that is quite literally on fire, even though the environment around it seems sunny and pleasant. I don’t know, seems mighty metaphorical to me.

In anticipation of the album’s release, Rashad has released a steady trickle of new videos illustrating the album’s direction and themes of depression, anxiety, self-destructive cycles, and occasional cathartic release. His first release of the cycle was the Duke Deuce-featuring “Lay Wit Ya,” which was followed by the Chattanooga rapper sharing a few songs that didn’t make the album, then by his ruminative “Headshots,” whose video drew from his real-life experience in rehab.

That rehab was one of the factors in the album’s delay, as Zay revealed his drinking problem got so bad he wrecked his boss Top Dawg’s car. He also had to recover from a bout of COVID-19, but thanks to his label’s unwavering support, he was able to get back on track and complete the album.

The House Is Burning is due 7/30 via TDE and Warner Records. Get it here.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a wasted meal. We’re only roaming around this planet for a blink in the grand scheme of things, so I like every experience to be as close to transcendent as possible. This helps to explain why my “taste ten dogs for a 4th of July ranking” morphed into a sprawling 21 dog ranking launched a week later than intended.

Sorry; not sorry. I needed more dogs. I love ’em.

To find said dogs, I roamed Portland, OR straight through the long weekend. I hit Kmart, Fred Myer (the city’s largest grocer), Whole Foods, Trader Joes, and New Seasons. And unlike root beer, which has scarcity issues, the problem with hot dogs is that there are so-freaking-many-of-them. Finally, I stopped going to stores because I knew I’d find more and this thing would have ballooned to 50 entries.

Okay, parameters on this: I’m not gauging these off the dogs of my youth, I’m basing them on the German frankfurters that you get at beer halls and street markets in Europe. That said, a few mainstream American dogs did well (with a few genuine shockers). The best of them certainly inspired concession stand nostalgia.

I cooked these in a half-inch of boiling water so that I could get the snappy casings of a boiled dog while also getting a tiny bit of toasting on the casing (if you boil them in a full pot, you don’t get that effect). My preferred way to cook a dog is to beer steam them — as detailed here — but this is more neutral. Please argue with me across every platform, but know that the top four is pretty tough to topple. As are the bottom entries. With entry #21 being fully inedible.

If you take nothing else from this piece, let it be this: do not buy entry #21.

TIER I — UNMITIGATED DISASTERS

21. BAR S — Classic Franks

Price:$1.39*

*This is way too inexpensive for a pound of meat. What was the wholesale price? How much went to the farmer? The butcher? The American food system is falsey deflated — relying on farm subsidies and exploitative labor practices — and this is further evidence. It’s actually gross that you can get these for this price.

Info:

From the website: Made from premium beef with a flavor that will soon have you hooked, whether you’re serving up hot dogs for lunch or whipping up your famous chili cheese dogs. Don’t believe us? Start the grill and watch your gang come running.

Tasting Notes:

Holy sh*t, someone needs to get fired for these. These make me wonder if all of the “hot dogs are made of pig anuses and toenails” tales from my childhood are true. I literally can’t imagine a hot dog tasting worse than this. It’s a meat tube with no discernable casing. It’s blended-pureed to a consistency that leaves it in the uncanny valley-level of homogenous foods, where you actually get unnerved by eating it.

Look, I’m fine ingesting chemicals. I had Kraft dinner three times this week. But this tastes fake in a way that also doesn’t equate to good flavor. Which is doubly repulsive and essentially means: “you had all the chemicals in the world at your disposal and you still failed horribly.”

I guarantee that these are made in a facility that constantly smells of bleach. They are truly trash.

Bottom Line:

No joke — these are poison.

20. FIELD ROAST SIGNATURE STADIUM DOG — Plant-Based Hot Dogs*

Price: $5.49

Info:

From the website: Savor the natural hardwood smoked taste of our Signature Stadium Plant-Based Hot Dogs. Crafted with garlic, cracked black pepper and paprika, our hot dogs are blended with classic spices to give you a perfectly balanced and flavorful bite every time.

Tasting Notes:

The hot dog is a very tough form factor for vegan food. Why? Well, the snap of the casing is why I like hotdogs in the first place and that’s tough to imitate with plant protein. It doesn’t have tensile strength. I included these because Roy Choi just raved about them and I do agree that they can take on a lot of flavor, but… Roy Choi is getting paid by Field Roast and I’m not. So I’ll tell you that as a standalone product, these aren’t fooling anyone.

Under chili and cheese (both would be vegan, I assume)? Maybe. But alone, naked and shivering on the plate? Noooooope. The color is grayish. It’s not absolutely horrible but certainly not a tone that builds culinary anticipation. The flavor is similarly gray and the texture is almost Bar S-level of baby food puree. It’s a little easier to stomach here, because it’s plant-based, but still… a little texture would be better.

Bottom Line:

These didn’t belong in an all-meat hot dog ranking. That’s not fair to them. That said, they are better than Bar S in literally every way.

*These aren’t an “unmitigated disaster” when compared to vegan dogs. But they are when compared to beef franks assuming there’s no extra credit given for being meat-free.

19. SIMPLE TRUTH — Uncured Beef Hot Dogs

Price: $4.99

Info:

From the package: Beef raised with vegetarian-fed diet. Beef raised with no antibiotics or added hormones ever.

Tasting Notes:

These are awful. That’s point 1.

Point 2 is this: I hate how this brand greenwashes all the f*ck over their label. “No antibiotics?” Okay, cool, pat yourselves on the back. Growth antibiotics are fully banned in the United States and Europe. That’s most antibiotics, right there. So all this label means is that they send any sick animals that need antibiotics to another slaughterhouse to get used in a different line (Bar S?). Not exactly heroic.

Want me to talk about the flavor? Fine. I don’t like this dog at all. It’s loose. The case has no pop. It came out of the package slick in a way that was deeply troubling. Slimy, not oily. Very reminiscent of spoiled meat. (I checked if it was spoiled, which would leave the store to blame, and it didn’t seem to be.)

Sadly, for my health, much of the problems listed above could have been overlooked, if these tasted okay. But there was no real defined taste either. It was just sort of bleh. Not “hot dog neutral” — which many of our next entries fall into, but something distinctly worse and less flavorful than that.

Bottom Line:

The simple truth is that these are eco-conscious imposters that taste distinctly worse than “run of the mill, high school basketball game hot dog.” Which is a pretty low bar.

18. HERITAGE FARM — Hot Dogs

Price: $0.89

Info: I have to pull from the ingredient list here, because there’s no website bearing a description (this is another house brand — in this case, for Kroger): Mechanically Separated Chicken, Pork, Water, Corn Syrup, Modified Food Starch.Contains 2% or Less of: Salt, Flavoring, Potassium Lactate, Sodium Lactate, Sodium Phosphates, Dextrose, Sodium Diacetate, Beef, Sodium Erythorbate, Sugar, Sodium Nitrate, Extract of Paprika

Tasting Notes:

I guess I bought chicken and pork combined on this and I’d like to see what the split is. From the taste, I think this is a chicken dog with a smack of ham.

Yeah, this tastes like chicken. Bad chicken that was mechanically separated (if you think those machines are precise, think again). It’s also a little infuriating that a brand with high-fructose corn syrup and a host of nitrates and nitrites gets to call itself Heritage Farm. That said, given the pale look of this one and the fact that its branding annoyed me terribly, it wasn’t a full-on nightmare. It belongs right here, at the very lowest-yet-still-reasonably-edible spot in our ranking.

Bottom Line:

I wish this was ranked even lower because its branding, packaging, and color annoy me greatly. That said, it’s an almost-passable “concession stand for less than $2.00”-hotdog. Almost.

TIER II — DOGS THAT A REASONABLE HUMAN BEING MIGHT EAT AT SOMEONE ELSE’S HOME

17. 365 — Uncured Grass-Fed Beef Hot Dogs

Price: $6.49

Info:

There is literally no information about these online, it all refers you to the 365 organic dogs. Seriously, I googled them and got nothing. It’s borderline bizarre.

Tasting Notes:

Listen close when you bite into one of these. Hear that sound? It’s the cascading peals of laughter coming from Jeff Bezos’ office every time a hipster thinks that the Amazon / Whole Foods 365 brand presents a quality product, simply because it’s sold at an upscale grocer (and is therefore willingly paying more for it). Get that notion out of your head. 365 is a house brand created to maximize profits (because if your company is vertically integrated like the big grocers, you always make more off of house brands).

Anyway, this is greenwashy (Jesus, that label is dumb — slapping itself on the back for mostly industry-standard practices) and also a huge departure in taste. Worse still, there’s a lot of funk at play with this one. I think it’s the white pepper — which always smells a little bit like cow poop to me — but it could also be the nutmeg, mace, ginger, coriander… What a muddled mess. Anyway, it ends up tasting confusing and barnyard-y.

All that said, the casing had a nice snap to it. Certainly impressive when compared to other middling dogs. It’s just the flavor inside that lacked.

Bottom Line:

A great casing can’t keep this from tasting like all the grossest parts of life on a farm.

16. FORK IN THE ROAD HONEST DOGS — Pasture-Raised Uncured Beef Hot Dogs

Price: $6.99

Info:

From the website: Uncured beef hot dogs made with sustainable, family farmed beef, a sprinkling of seasoning and a whole lot of good stuff.

Tasting Notes:

This one actually gets a lot right. No more rants about how bad any brand is from here on out. There’s a traditional frankfurter snap, there’s a good funk — driven by mustard powder. There’s a nice bit of beefiness.

Nothing is offensive here. It’s a solid entry. But nothing stands out enough to raise many eyebrows.

Bottom Line:

You won’t regret this purchase and if you have no nostalgia for the next brand you could likely swap these two in the rankings.

15. OSCAR MAYER — Classic Beef

Price: $2.39

Info:

From the website: We kept what you loved and took out what you didn’t in Oscar Mayer Classic Beef Franks. Made with 100% Angus beef and no added nitrates or nitrites, no artificial preservatives, and no by-products so you can enjoy the great taste and quality you expect, with no guilt.

Tasting Notes:

This one has a really great casing snap, especially for a super mainstream, cheap hot dog. Re-tasting this, I remember these from my childhood — they have a very distinct taste all of their own. It’s definitely not beefy — it’s… something else. Maybe a little bit of vinegar? Anyway, this is pretty standard and I don’t think it would offend anyone but the flavor isn’t my favorite.

Definitely a dog I think I could identify blind (there are only four of those on this list).

Bottom Line:

This is very functional. If you bought one at a Little League game, you’d finish it.

14. BOAR’S HEAD — Uncured Beef Frankfurters

Price: $5.99

Info:

From the website: Since 1905, Boar’s Head Beef Franks have been crafted from an original family recipe. Made with USDA Choice Beef and a proprietary spice blend, Boar’s Head Uncured Beef Frankfurters deliver exceptional flavor and a superior bite.

Tasting Notes:

This was my predicted winner going into the ranking. But I couldn’t find the traditional frankfurters pictured below anywhere:

Instead, I got… something else. Something which was far less tasty in every single way. If I was willing to rank the traditional franks by memory, I think they’d land at the #3 spot. But these are middling at best.

The case here is not very sturdy. None of the spices come through in any significant way. There’s a certain earthiness but it’s not highly pleasant (again, I think this is white pepper — maybe I’m allergic? Please comment if you think white pepper tastes like horse dung smells).

Overall, this was fine. Functional. But it certainly didn’t approach the heights that the more traditional Boar’s Head frankfurters do. Not by a long shot.

Bottom Line:

Even this mediocre spot in the ranking feels like I’m giving Boar’s Head the benefit of the doubt because their other franks are so good.

13. 365 — Organic Uncured Grass-Fed Beef Hot Dogs

Price: $6.99

Info:

Ingredients: Organic Beef, Water, Potassium Lactate, Contains Less Than 2% of the Following: Sea Salt, Celery Powder, Organic Minced Onion, Organic Minced Garlic, Organic Spices (Organic Coriander, Organic White Pepper, Organic Nutmeg, Organic Mace, Organic Ginger, Organic Paprika)

Tasting Notes:

This veers toward Polish sausage territory, size-wise. Generally speaking, you don’t want a frankfurter to be super thicc, because you’re departing from the dog’s golden ratio. See, the mild spice of a hot dog is why you keep it thin — so that you get the casing snap without a massive mouthful of neutral-tasting beef or pork.

The difference here is that this dog is more heavily spiced, also like a Polish sausage. So you don’t feel bored with too much beef because you’re definitely picking up that coriander, celery powder, minced onion, etc. Compared to the other 365 dog, the funk here is tempered by a little paprika warmth. It’s not so barnyard-y.

Still, the insides of the dog are a little greasy, which feels excessive because the dog is so honkin’. All in all, it just doesn’t come together quite right.

Bottom Line:

This is fine — and way better than its non-organic cousin at the #17 spot — but I feel like it mostly relies on its size to fool people into thinking it’s somehow noteworthy.

TIER III — DOGS THAT YOU CAN BUY WITHOUT ANY REGRETS

12. NATHAN’S FAMOUS — Skinless Beef Franks

Price: $3.99

Info:

From the website: They’re made with Nathan’s original 100-year-old recipe. The delicious all-beef hot dog flavor that was once only available at a nickel hot dog cart at Coney Island has long ago grown to become a tradition at family grill-outs all around the country

Tasting Notes:

I’m a little surprised by this, but I actually recognize the Nathan’s taste. I grew up going to a place called Nick’s Coney Island (in Portland) and later lived in Brooklyn, there’s some nice sense memory at play. Not much spice. Mid-to-low strength casing. But still very functional and sure to generate some nostalgia for anyone who’s lived on the east coast.

Bottom Line:

There’s a sort of genericness here that actually works. This dog is a vessel. It might be my top chili dog pick. It’s not going to challenge you, and that’s fine. It’s still pleasant and makes perfect sense as the sort of dog that Joey Chesnut can ingest at a truly repulsive (yet impressive!) pace.

11. TRADER JOE’S ORGANIC — Uncured Beef Hot Dogs

Price: $5.99

Info:

From the website: If your goal is to spend every spare moment soaking up all the recreational pursuits summertime has to offer, you’ll need a quick-cooking, crowd-pleasing meal plan in your back pocket that doesn’t require a lot of fuss. Thankfully, Trader Joe’s Organic Grass-Fed Uncured Beef Hot Dogs can be the mainstay of that miracle meal. These gluten free Hot Dogs grill up in mere minutes, boasting a sweet, smoky aroma, savory beef flavor and that classic hot dog snap.

Tasting Notes:

I found the casing to be a little tough rather than snappy. The interior was nicer. It tasted clean and direct — with none of the muddled flavors that dogs lower on the list feature. There’s beef and there’s paprika spice/ smokiness and that’s about it. The texture of the meat here is a little more natural feeling, too — which I liked. Like it was a little less homogenous than the others. Less like a meat smoothie.

Bottom Line:

You could give these out at a stylish party and feel sort of refined. Like people would notice that you made some effort.

10. OSCAR MAYER SELECTS NATURAL — Angus Beef

Price: $4.48

Info:

From the website: Oscar Mayer Natural Angus Beef Franks are made with 100% angus beef and have no artificial ingredients and no added nitrates or nitrites so you can enjoy the great taste and quality, guilt-free.

Tasting Notes:

This had the best snap of any dog so far. I actually liked the regular Oscar Mayer fine, but this was miles ahead. Rich in umami with big beefy flavor notes, while still retaining some of the “blank canvas” feel of a classic Oscar Mayer wiener.

Bottom Line:

Great dog, great value, and the second-best “at every single store ever” dog on this list.

9. CARLTON FARMS — Old Fashioned Frankfurters

Price: ???

Info:

Did I imagine eating these deep into a hot dog fever dream? Perhaps, yes. Because there’s literally no information about them online and they don’t feature on the Carlton Farms website or IG feed.

Tasting Notes:

This is a german style casing. It’s got a pop to it that’s top tier. It’s just so much better to have that snap. That said, this is a honkin’ dog and I didn’t adore the flavor when delivered in this quantity. It’s very earthy, woodsy, and even a little gamey. That sounds delicious but when it’s served in a dog this thick, it almost gets too umami-dense.

Bottom Line:

If this was regular-sized, I could see it in the top three.

8. APPLEGATE ORGANIC — The Great Uncured Beef Hot Dog

Price: $6.49

Info:

From the website: 100 percent grass-fed beef equals 1,000 percent delicious. We did the math.

Tasting Notes:

The garlic, onion, and paprika come through. The flavors were clean and not overly beefy. But the snap was middling. At this point, that’s enough to send your dog sliding.

Bottom Line:

If this is the hot dog impulse buy you grab at Whole Foods, you’re in pretty good shape. It’s solid, just not top tier.

7. SNAKE RIVER FARMS — Gourmet Frankfurters

Price: $12

Info:

From the website: These gourmet franks elevate the classic hot dog to a delicious new level. These are packed with the casing intact, just like true old fashioned franks.

Tasting Notes:

I had these once before and remember liking them even more. The casing is super thick but not as springy as I want… it becomes a textural element but perhaps not the right kind. You sort of have to tear it, rather than getting a “pop.” I’m also not in the camp of double-thick dogs, as I’ve said before, because at that point why not get polish sausage, which is its own thing and is absolutely delicious.

That said, I love the flavor here –it’s beef and you get some mustard and paprika, again, without being super confusing on the palate or too spice-driven.

Bottom Line:

This is a nice, clean, quality product — even if it’s not my all-time favorite.

6. BALLPARK — Angus

Price: $2.90

Info:

From the website: Ball Park® Angus Beef Hot Dogs are made with 100% Angus beef and will sizzle up summer all year ’round! They are tender, juicy and oh so summery.

Tasting Notes:

Ballpark franks sliding into the #6 slot while surrounded on both sides by organic and upscale offerings is a little wild. Here are my stream of consciousness tasting notes: this is way better than it deserves to be the skin is awesome the pop is awesome for a brand that really markets itself like a hot dog this is actually relatively close to the German frankfurter this would feel more at home in a German beer garden than the boar’s head would.

Pretty hyped response, obviously. I stand by all of it. It’s a good dog! Probably the most overtly beefy dog, too.

Bottom Line:

Of the mainstream brands, this is my favorite. It’s a perfect dog for a bun and some toppings because the beef flavor notes will hold up to all of that — saurkraut, onions, whatever — without getting lost.

WELLSHIRE PREMIUM — All-Natural Uncured Beef Franks

Price: $5.99

Info:

From the website: Our skinless, all-beef frank offers an authentic texture and flavor profile! Crafted from animals raised humanely and fed a vegetarian grain diet, this fully cooked item is ready to heat and serve! Always free of preservatives, antibiotics, nitrates, and nitrites.

Tasting Notes:

I started buying these because the NY Times loved them back in 2017. For a time, they were my go-to. But everything higher on this list is better in one way or another. That said, these are 1) the most distinctly beefy dogs yet, 2) a dog that has some funk, but the sort that deepens the taste rather than pivoting it completely (mustard powder funk >>> white pepper funk), 3) has a nice casing with a 7/10 snap.

Bottom Line:

We’re at “if you ran a hipster fast casual restaurant and put TJ style bacon dogs on the specials menu with these as their base you’d get tons of compliments on them”-status now.

TIER IV — HOT DOGS THAT YOU SHOULD SEEK OUT

4. A&H KOSHER — Beef Hot Dogs

Price: $10.99

Info:

From the website: Delicious A & H all beef kosher hot dogs 14oz. package. Our top selling hot dog. Ranked #1 by The Forward, New York Daily News, and the St. Louis Post Dispatch. This hot dog is sure to impress even the choosiest of eaters.

Tasting Notes:

This was beefy but it was also the first dog that was a little peppery. It’s got this really lovely meat, onion, pepper combo that’s clean whereas many others can be muddled. Firm casing and a nice bite to the dog. It’s hard to find much to fault here.

Bottom Line:

If this was your standard “off the girl” dog, people would notice and it would be a topic of conversation worthy of filling a few awkward silences. I’ll seek this one out again.

3. SABRETT — Natural Casing Beef Frankfurters

Price: $3.09

Info:

From the website: This is the original New York pushcart style frankfurter that are famous for the snap! These are the franks sold by the pushcarts in New York under the famous blue and yellow umbrellas. Ken Oringer, the world-famous chef at Clio’s in Boston is quoted as saying, “I love hot dogs, especially Sabrett® hot dogs in New York.

Tasting Notes:

This is the only dog I’m willing to do by memory. I had millions when I lived in NYC and also ate one last time I was in the city, just before quarantine.

Sabrett has the absolute best snap in the game (tied with our #1 pick) and the flavors are clean, direct, and relatively neutral — much like a German frankfurter. You get some meaty flavor and the littlest bit of smoke. The garlic and paprika combo is classic and doesn’t leave the taste muddled.

Bottom Line:

An absolutely great dog to serve at home, boiled or grilled (do it boiled if you really want the snap). It will create nostalgia for New Yorkers and grab the attention of anyone who hasn’t tried one before.

2. TETON — Uncured Beef Hot Dogs

Price: $7.83

Info:

From the website: Made with 100% grass-fed. grass-finished beef and juicy as all get out, we made a feel-great version of a feel-good classic. Don’t believe us? Just ask those people who give out food awards. Goes perfect with a side of BBQs and ball games.

Tasting Notes:

This one shocked me. I have never heard of the brand and found it at a mainstream store. I had zero expectations. Man, was it great. Nice casing — not amazing — but the flavor inside was the best on the list. It actually tastes beefy (which a few brands do well) but in this case there’s also a nice hit of paprika at the end. Rather than the funkiness that some other brands feature, this had an earthiness (related but not the same thing) that absolutely worked. It was umami-dense but not overpowering.

Bottom Line:

Teton? Who knew? Defnitely not me. But I’ll reach for this next time I have a cookout. It’s significantly less expensive than the #1 pick.

TIER V — GOD DOG LEVEL

1. OLYMPIA PROVISIONS — Frankfurter

Price: $15.00

Info:

From the website: Our foot-long frankfurter, made with pure pork shoulder and a natural lamb casing, is smoked with hickory and apple wood. Do you love a snappy, old fashioned frankfurter that hangs off the end of the bun? Well, we do too!

Tasting Notes:

These are available at specialty grocers around the country but like… hipster grocers. I’ve seen them at larger Whole Foods and the sorts of upscale stores where paying $15 for a pack of franks feels sane (because everything else is similarly expensive).

With those disclaimers out of the way, HOLY CHRIST THIS DOG IS AMAZING. Like I went through a pack in a day. I sincerely didn’t know a hot dog could taste this good and I love hot dogs. It’s better than any frankfurter I’ve had in Germany and I’ve had many. The snap is Sabrett level. The filling is almost magically airy. The flavors are a complete departure from everything on this list. It’s made with pork shoulder, which is flavorful and porky but not overly fatty. There’s a distinct note of woodsmoke paired with a hint of sweetness balancing the umami. The lamb casing adds a certain gamey element.

I’m telling you, this is stylized and hipstery and feels ripe for a Portlandia sketch, but none of that matters because it’s flat-out amazing. Order these dogs and your guests will lose it. Also, they’re a foot long, which is super cool.

Bottom Line:

Literally the best hot dog I’ve tasted in my life. Period. Final answer.