Whitney Houston’s defining song, “I Will Always Love You,” isn’t actually hers (despite how much she made it her own), as Dolly Parton wrote it. Houston’s recording, of course, has done quite well, meaning that Parton has received some hefty royalty checks from it. While guesting on Watch What Happens Live With Andy Cohen recently, she revealed the best purchase she made with those royalties.
Parton said:
“I bought my big office complex down in Nashville. I thought, ‘Well, this is a wonderful place to be.’ I bought a property down in what was the Black area of town, and it was mostly just Black families and people that lived around there. It was off the beaten path from 16th Avenue and I thought, ‘Well, I am gonna buy this place, the whole strip mall.’ And I thought, ‘This is the perfect place for me to be,’ considering it was Whitney. I just thought this was great — I’m just gonna be down here with her people, who are my people as well. So I just love the fact that I spent that money on a complex and I think, ‘This is the house that Whitney built.’”
The building Parton seems to be talking about is Inca Hoots Productions, her studio and management office located near 16th Avenue, on 12th Avenue South. A 2020 feature by Fodor’s Travel described the complex, “Dolly’s star has risen so high that now, instead of recording in other people’s studios, she has her own. Inca Hoots Productions, an unassuming Mission-style compound on 12th Street, is Dolly’s production studio and management office. It’s closed to the public, but you can tell if she’s there because her massive tour bus will be in the gated courtyard out front. The name itself is a bit of her famous sense of humor: split up the letters differently and you’ll get the real meaning of the company name.”
Watch Parton speak about the purchase above, and find more clips from her appearance on Watch What Happens Live below.
Welcome back to our grocery store snack roundup! The only series that gathers a bunch of random new (and new to us) treats from our local grocery stores (and the internet) in an effort to see if they’re worth your time and money. Why do we do this? Well, we’ve all been there, scanning the grocery store aisles for a few extra snacks to make that market run of essentials seem a little more exciting.
Do you try the macaroni & cheese-infused ice cream to see if it’s as bad as you assume? Or do you just play it safe and go with your favorite variety of chocolate?
That’s why you have us — to help sort through those life-altering quandaries. Since we’re deep into summer right now, we’ve decided to theme this roundup around ice cream. We’ll include a few more snacks we’re digging on, but the focus is going to be on ice cream. So scan our list and future out what to indulge in!
Van Leeuwen — Kraft Macaroni & Cheese French Ice Cream (Dane Rivera)
I am by no means a fan of stunt food. Jelly Bellies that taste like vomit, food crafted for Instagram, almost every “food hack” on TikTok — it holds no appeal to me. So when my editor tasked me with seeking out this Kraft Macaroni & Cheese flavored ice cream from Van Leeuwen’s, I was… less than thrilled. Then I remembered Van Leeuwen makes some damn good ice cream and being a food writer is an insanely dope privilege that I shouldn’t complain about.
Still, an ice cream that tastes like mac & cheese is downright intimidating, with a high “gross” potential. Luckily, this turned out to be a pretty good flavor. It tastes a lot like cheesecake ice cream. It has a distinct tanginess to it that definitely won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but if you like the decadence of cheesecake, this is right up your alley. What differentiates it is a pronounced sharpness — a result of the cheddar, no doubt. After the initial shock and surprise, the ice cream really starts to grow on you.
If you’re still too scared to try this, we’ve got a hack for you (better than anything on TikTok): go the extra mile and utilize some chocolate syrup and crushed nuts on top. The salty-sweet connection will win you over.
The Bottom Line
Way better than a mac & cheese ice cream has any right to be. Great for fans of cheesecake ice cream who want something a little different.
I originally picked up this ice cream as part of a blind taste test in search of the best chocolate ice cream on the market. Tillamook’s Udderly Chocolate features a swirl of chocolate and white chocolate ice creams. I thought it would be an interesting inclusion but I was dismayed to find that the ice cream has bits of chocolate shavings in it as well. That means it’s not a “plain chocolate” ice cream and I had to disqualify it from the taste test, which is really a shame because this is one of the best chocolate-centric ice creams I’ve ever had.
The white chocolate adds a nice sweet contrast to the more rich and full-bodied notes of the classic chocolate but those disqualifying chips of chocolate are really what make this ice cream shine. They’re not big enough to be something to chew on. Instead, they reveal themselves subtly, only to melt in your mouth along with the ice cream — sweet, hidden little treasures.
The Bottom Line
Probably my favorite chocolate-based ice cream currently on the market.
Now we’re into some dangerous territory here. Hardscoop is an alcoholic ice cream brand that uses a wine base to booze up their pints. Each pint contains 8% alcohol by volume, and while a single scoop isn’t enough for you to get a buzz on, this is no gimmick. Alcoholic ice cream is an easy sell, but what I appreciate the most about Hardscoop is just how premium the ice cream is. The brand didn’t cut any corners, the ice cream is thick and custard-y and each pint has a noticeable boozy smell to it.
My favorite flavor has to be the Madagascar Vanilla, because of how rich and versatile it is. A single scoop with a generous portion of chocolate syrup on top makes for a fancy restaurant dessert experience but my favorite way to enjoy Hardscoop is in the morning. A scoop or a spoonful of this stuff in your morning coffee is the perfect way to kick off a saturday. Bonus points if you have an espresso machine and you can fashion yourself a quick and easy affogato with an alcoholic edge.
The Bottom Line
A quality alcohol-infused ice cream that doesn’t cut any corners. Put a scoop in your coffee and thank us in the comments for changing your life for the better.
Cookies & Cream ice creams almost never have a satisfying amount of cookies inside of them. I don’t want a few bites of Oreo in a scoop, I want a 50-50 split, anything less is false advertisement. I mean, “Cookies” is right in the name! Breyers has attempted to remedy this widespread ice cream lie by beefing up their Cookies & Cream with 20% more cookies — it’s not quite where I want it to be, but I appreciate the effort.
While it’s not meeting my cookie quota, this ice cream really is quite delicious. Each scoop is a beautiful marble of cream and cookie with that soft and creamy consistency Breyers always delivers. Aside from the big chunks of cookies, speckles of tiny crushed cookies are peppered throughout the mix, giving you a bit of cookie with every bite.
The Bottom Line
One of the best Cookies & Cream flavors out there in the ice cream landscape.
Dairy-Free ice creams just don’t hold a candle to the real stuff. The consistency is never right, and it lacks that creamy, comforting quality that a perfect scoop of ice cream on a scorching summer day has. But as far as dairy-free ice creams go… Nubocha is pretty delicious.
They manage this by getting unique with their flavors. By approaching classics with a slight twist, Nubocha is able to make a dairy-free ice cream that won’t make you miss the real thing, because it stands on its own. Its chocolate flavor doesn’t taste like your standard milk chocolate ice cream, instead, it has an earthy Abuelita Mexican chocolate quality to it. The vanilla mixes in roasted cashews. Salted Caramel shows up with bits of hazelnuts and almonds, everything is slightly altered in a way that makes them unique to the competition.
You’ll never crave have a craving for dairy-free ice cream the way you do for the real stuff, but you just might develop a craving for these unique flavor blends.
The Bottom Line
A dairy-free ice cream that delivers by daring to be different.
I know I know, it’s not ice cream, but I warned you that we’d sneak in some non-ice cream products into this list. Currently, I’m loving Madhava’s Organic Balsamic Vinegar thanks to its tart, fruity flavor, sumptuous umami quality, and versatility. Pour this on your scoop of Hardscoop and it’ll bring out notes of brown sugar and caramel with an umami finish that will turn your midnight snack into something you wouldn’t wince at paying over $10 for on a dessert menu.
Generally, I like my potato chips plain and simple. Lays Original is, in my opinion, the best chip on the market. It’s versatile, you can dip them, eat them plain, squirt some lime on them — the perfect fried potato canvas. But like every true chip head, I reserve a warm spot in my heart for Flamin’ Hot. The Scorchin’ series is basically Pringles’ version of Flamin’ Hot and for the most part, it delivers.
The full line consists of Scorchin BBQ (my least favorite, it’s just not hot), Scorchin’ Chili & Lime (It’s allllllright, but I almost always prefer fresh lime over the artificial stuff) and Scorchin’ Cheddar, which is hands down the best flavor. The spice is satisfyingly hot, it lives up to the name “Scorchin’” and that chili pepper cheddar combination just works so well. It’s not as good as Flamin’ Hot Cheetos or Takis, but it’s far superior to all of the Baked Flamin’ Hot products on the market.
You got to give it to Pringles: they know how to bake a chip.
To take things to the next level, squirt some fresh lime on the Scorchin’ Cheddar and you’ve got the best of both worlds.
We usually do a “best new ice cream” list each summer and I crown a winner. This year, Dane has been working the ice cream beat. We may still pull off that list, but if we don’t I’ll say it here: This is the best ice cream flavor I’ve tasted since the pandemic started. And I taste a lot of ice cream.
Buttermints are clearly the best of the “grandma’s coffee table” or “restaurant cashier station” mints — though you never see them in businesses anymore because they’re served loose. There is this pillowy softness to them and the mint tastes both “fresher” than pinwheel mints and less chemical-y.
Most “mint” ice cream is either real mint — which doesn’t make a huge impact in ice cream and is a little too herbal — or ultra fake. This flavor offers a perfect balance. And, as always with Jeni’s, the mouthfeel is 100% on point.
The Bottom Line:
The standout flavor of summer 2021. Maybe not as splashy a title as “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese,” but the taste masters being refreshing in a way all mint ice cream should but most fails at.
Kevin Love joined USA Basketball during its pre-Olympic training camp in Las Vegas, only to pull out before the team departed for Tokyo due to a calf injury that he believed would have prevented him from competing at the international level. It seemed straightforward enough and the sort of issue that would have been put to bed right when Love decided to leave camp, but on Friday, USA Basketball managing director Jerry Colangelo addressed the whole thing in a way that was ultra-critical of Love.
As Colangelo tells it, Love reached out and made his case to join the team, saying he was healthy enough to go. And then, Love left, which Colangelo still seems pretty hung up on.
“I didn’t think Kevin Love was going to play. I wasn’t even sure he had much left to play,” Colangelo said, per Brian Windhorst of ESPN. “He reached out to us and said he was in shape and said he felt he owed us. And on the basis of that, we’re looking at someone with international experience who at one time was a heck of a rebounder and could still shoot the ball. You know, being like a 12th man on a roster.
“Well, it didn’t work out,” Colangelo continued. “He wasn’t in shape. And he was way behind as it turned out. So you move on. Call it a mistake. Call it giving someone an opportunity. Someone who had equity with us.”
Colangelo, it must be said, will end his tenure with USA Basketball following these Olympics, so he assuredly feels like he can be a little more open than usual. But still, this is quite the approach to take with regards to Love, because even beyond the fact that he’s contributed to USA Basketball in the past, it’s weird to just straight up bury someone like this, especially when the apparent issue (his health and fitness) was evident last NBA season.
Earlier this week, Better Call Saul star and sketch comedy legend Bob Odenkirk collapsed on the set of the AMC series. It was nearly 24 (very scary) hours before his millions of fans got an update on his status, but luckily, it was a good update.
“We can confirm Bob is in stable condition after experiencing a heart-related incident,” a statement from his representatives read. “He and his family would like to express gratitude for the incredible doctors and nurses looking after him, as well as his cast, crew and producers who have stayed by his side. The Odenkirks would also like to thank everyone for the outpouring of well wishes and ask for their privacy at this time as Bob works on his recovery.”
Odenkirk’s health has continued to improve, according to his Mr. Show co-creator and co-star David Cross. “Just got off the phone with Bob and he’s doing great! Joking and japing and joshing,” the comedian tweeted on Friday. “Both he and his family are overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and concern everyone has shown. You will be hearing from him soon. But he’s doing really well!!!” Get better, Bob!
Just got off the phone with Bob and he’s doing great! Joking and japing and joshing. Both he and his family are overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and concern everyone has shown. You will be hearing from him soon. But he’s doing really well!!!
With the release of Madden NFL 22 less than one month away, EA Sports is doing what it can to stir up excitement over the game. As one of the biggest sports titles every year, there is a constant expectation for Madden to be improving and adding new features, and one of the big focuses of the last few versions of the game has been showing the impact of star players.
People who play Madden are used to the star players being a little better than the rest, with EA Sports creating the 99 Club as a way to highlight the upper echelon of athletes. These are the players who have proven themselves to be impactful in any matchup. They are an exclusive club that Madden celebrates, and after a week of promotion we now have our inaugural members for Madden NFL 22.
Davante Adams has been one of the most explosive targets in the NFL for years and a favorite of Aaron Rodgers. His ability to catch the ball in traffic, get out in space, and be a general menace has many defensive coordinators pulling their hair out on gameday. In Madden itself, he’s best known for having a catch radius where, as long as the ball is in his general vicinity, he can go grab it. His catching ability is incredibly frustrating for corners but basically a win button for players that need a bail out option.
Arguably the best defensive player in the NFL, nobody dominates their position the way Aaron Donald does. His lightning-quick reflexes gets him off the line faster than anyone else, which makes him an absolute nightmare for quarterbacks and running backs. In the game itself, he’s known for being someone that can drain an entire offensive line’s blocking meter almost instantly. Better put a double on him or he’s going to live in your backfield.
Jalen Ramsey is known for two things: talking trash and being one of the best shutdown corners in the NFL. He has the ability to be physical with even the biggest receivers, but his true talent comes from how he uses his athleticism. Balls thrown in his direction are almost always contested, so even if he can’t get a hand on it, the receiver will need to make a spectacular grab to make a play. In Madden, he’s a corner that needs to be taken out of the play immediately or he can shut down an entire half of the field. He’s one of the few guys that players can leave in single coverage on the elite wide receivers.
He’s big, he’s fast, and he’s a touchdown machine. Travis Kelce is just as dominant as any wide receiver in the NFL, if not more so, because if a linebacker ends up on him, then he’s going to have the advantage when a ball is thrown his way. Kelce is a favorite target of the next dude on this list and of Madden players, because it’s as easy as throwing the ball up there and letting him come down with it. He almost has to be doubled team within the game, because he will win any 50/50 ball against a non-corner.
Developers have said that Patrick Mahomes breaks all the rules. Typically, a player is only able to get into the 99 Club with a lengthy body of work, but Mahomes entered it for the first time in his second year as a starting quarterback. It was obvious why: He’s a generational QB with the athleticism to escape pressure and an arm that can make quite literally any throw. He’s not quite the cheat code that some previous Madden QB’s have been — i.e. Michael Vick in Madden 04 — but Mahomes’ ability to dance in the pocket and throw cannons makes him a favorite for players that just want to run four verts all day. Giving him a fellow 99 Club member in Kelce to throw to certainly doesn’t hurt.
Despite Friday being one of Meghan McCain’s last days on The View, it seemed like just a regular episode for the daytime talk show except for the notable absence of Whoopi Goldberg, who has earned a reputation for putting McCain in her place when things get heated. But outside of Whoopi being gone, it was just another day on The View as McCain went through the motions and did what she’s done for most of her tenure on the show: Repeat right-wing talking points that exactly match the coverage on Fox News.
During a discussion on House Republicans protesting the return of mask mandates, McCain made a bold claim. “Quite frankly, I have a higher likelihood of getting shot leaving this building than I do of getting COVID,” she said (via The Wrap). “From July 14th to the 28th, there were four COVID deaths and 11 homicides in Washington, D.C.”
What’s interesting is that these are the exact same figures that Fox News reported earlier Friday morning:
You can see McCain’s full remarks at the 4:25 mark below:
HOUSE REPUBLICANS PROTEST MASK MANDATES: After more concerning news over the fast-spreading delta variant and the CDC is responding with new mask guidance, the co-hosts react to outraged House Republicans revolting against a Capitol Hill mask mandate. https://t.co/kLued3muVMpic.twitter.com/x8YaTjCfOz
“I think that the White House should be honest with the American public and say that there is no going back to normal, and that taking off the mask was just a ruse,” McCain replied. “There will probably be lockdowns, and again, Americans who want to live, as I said yesterday, this is literally going to become a state by state issue, and if you don’t want to live under masking and you don’t want to live under these mandates, unfortunately, you’re probably going to have to move to a state where they’re not going to do it — like in Arizona.”
And that was one of Meghan McCain’s last days on The View. She’s leaving the same way she came in: Parroting Fox News, blaming Democrats for the actions of Republicans, and touting Arizona as the best state ever. What an incredible journey.
“Just because you didn’t do marriage well doesn’t mean you can’t do divorce fabulously.”
That’s something my mother-in-law said to me when her son and I were ending our young, impetuous, and ultimately-not-right-for-us marriage. It stuck with me through the years.
These sweet images from Brittany Peck’s wedding have struck a chord with families across the Internet, and they seem to be getting that very same lesson about “doing divorce well” through to millions.
The photographer got a clue something unusual was about to happen.
Delia Blackburn, an Ohio photographer, was snapping pictures at the nuptials, as you do. She described to WKYC3 what happened when the father of the bride, Todd Bachman, approached her.
“He said, ‘I’m going to do something special, just be ready.'”
Before Bachman finished walking his daughter down the aisle, he turned around in the direction of his daughter’s stepdad, who was also in attendance.
Then Brittany’s stepdad details what happened next.
“And he came up to me and reached out and grabbed my hand and he said, ‘Hey, you’ve worked for this as hard as I have.’ He said, ‘You deserve this as much as I do. You’re gonna help us walk OUR daughter down the aisle.’ At that point, I had no clue what was going on.” — Todd Cendrosky, stepfather of Brittany Peck
Todd B. looks like a dad on a mission — to be the coolest guy ever. Image by Delia D Blackburn, used with permission.
“I got weak in the knees and everything — I couldn’t have had anything better in my life. That was THE most important thing in my life.” — Brittany’s stepdad
Todd C. is like, “What is even happening right now?” Image by Delia D Blackburn, used with permission.
Todd Bachmann explains his last-minute decision like this:
“It hasn’t always been peaches and cream, by any stretch of the imagination. … There’s no better way to thank somebody than to assist me walking my — walking OUR daughter — down the aisle.”
And Brittany herself was pleased with the outcome.
The bride sent a video message from her honeymoon to WKYC, saying, “We’ve seen it all, been through it all, but at the end of the day we’re all happy.”
Divided families know that love isn’t a finite thing — there’s enough to go around. Image by Delia D Blackburn, used with permission.
Considering the two largest ice sheets on earth — the one on Antarctica and the one on Greenland — extend more than 6 million square miles combined … yeah, we’re talkin’ a lot of ice.
But what if it was all just … gone? Not like gone gone, but melted?
If all of earth’s land ice melted, it would be nothing short of disastrous.
And that’s putting it lightly.
This video by Business Insider Science (seen below) depicts exactly what our coastlines would look like if all the land ice melted. And spoiler alert: It isn’t great.
Lots of European cities like, Brussels and Venice, would be basically underwater.
In Africa and the Middle East? Dakar, Accra, Jeddah — gone.
Millions of people in Asia, in cities like Mumbai, Beijing, and Tokyo, would be uprooted and have to move inland.
South America would say goodbye to cities like Rio de Janeiro and Buenos Aires.
And in the U.S., we’d watch places like Houston, San Francisco, and New York City — not to mention the entire state of Florida — slowly disappear into the sea.
Business Insider based these visuals off National Geographic’s estimation that sea levels will rise 216 feet (!) if all of earth’s land ice melted into our oceans.
There’s even a tool where you can take a detailed look at how your community could be affected by rising seas, for better or worse.
Although … looking at these maps, it’s hard to imagine “for better” is a likely outcome for many of us.
Much of America’s most populated regions would be severely affected by rising sea levels, as you’ll notice exploring the map, created by Alex Tingle using data provided by NASA.
Take, for instance, the West Coast. (Goodbye, San Fran!)
Or the East Coast. (See ya, Philly!)
And the Gulf Coast. (RIP, Bourbon Street!)
I bring up the topic not just for funsies, of course, but because the maps above are real possibilities.
How? Climate change.
As we continue to burn fossil fuels for energy and emit carbon into our atmosphere, the planet gets warmer and warmer. And that, ladies and gentlemen, means melted ice.
A study published this past September by researchers in the U.S., U.K., and Germany found that if we don’t change our ways, there’s definitely enough fossil fuel resources available for us to completely melt the Antarctic ice sheet.
Basically, the self-inflicted disaster you see above is certainly within the realm of possibility.
“This would not happen overnight, but the mind-boggling point is that our actions today are changing the face of planet Earth as we know it and will continue to do so for tens of thousands of years to come,” said lead author of the study Ricarda Winkelmann, of the Potsdam Institute for Climate Impact Research.
If we want to stop this from happening,” she says, “we need to keep coal, gas, and oil in the ground.”
The good news? Most of our coastlines are still intact! And they can stay that way, too — if we act now.
Even though I don’t wear very much makeup, every few days or so SOMEONE (friends, family, internet strangers) will weigh in on why I “don’t need makeup.” Now, I realize this is meant as a compliment, but this comic offers a hilariously truthful (and slightly weird) explanation of the “too much makeup” conundrum.
Not everyone is able to turn into a badass lizard when someone asks about their face-painting hobbies. Don’t you kinda wish you could? Just to drive this hilarious comic all the way home, here’s four reasons why some women* wear makeup:
*Important side note: Anyone can wear makeup. Not just women. True story.
While some people may think putting on makeup is a chore, it can be really fun! For some, makeup is an outlet for creativity and self-expression. For others, it’s just a way to feel good about themselves and/or enhance their favorite features.
That’s why it feels kinda icky when someone says something along the lines of “You don’t need so much makeup!” Now, it’s arguable that no one “needs” makeup, but everyone deserves to feel good about the way they look.
For some people, feeling good about their appearance includes wearing makeup. And that’s totally OK.
Mickey Mouse loves Metallica now. This is the realization that may dawn on you as you recognize strains of “Nothing Else Matters” flitting in and out of the musical score in Jungle Cruise, the new live-action Disney film starring The Rock.
For me, it was the second consecutive film I saw to feature James, Kirk, Lars and the gang, the first being HBO’s Woodstock 99 documentary, Peace, Love, And Rage. It almost goes without saying that it’s weird to see Metallica as a symbol of white male angst one minute and as background music in a girlboss adaptation of a Disneyland ride the next. And that was probably the point: to force Dudes Of A Certain Demo to reconsider what it means to be “a Disney movie.” Just as Cruella incorporated The Sex Pistols and Vivienne Westwood into their origin story for a Dalmatian killer, Jungle Cruise has Metallica and extended allusions to Werner Herzog (Jungle Cruise‘s villain shares a name and historical basis with Klaus Kinski in Aguirre: Wrath Of God).
Which is to say, Jungle Cruise is built on a cultural framework that would be virtually indistinguishable from an Anthony Bourdain episode about the Amazon — Herzog, Metallica, mortality. Even stranger, it sort of works. Jungle Cruise is a zany mashup of Indiana Jones and Pirates Of The Caribbean (with a dash of Avatar) that’s miles better than the last installments of either (not that that’s saying much). It’s a vaguely anti-colonial thrill ride from the most successful cultural colonizers of all time, proof that as Disney’s IP-mining operation continues apace, at least they’re getting pretty good at it. I suppose the question is, when they manage to tap into a vein of parallel interests, does it make you feel seen or just predictable? Do you feel like a fellow traveler or simply another microtargeted interest group?
Leaving that aside, it’s not the references or the Easter eggs that make Jungle Cruise tolerable. It’s competent direction, solid pacing, and chemistry among the performers. While Disney loves to loot the prestige circuit for the latest festival sensations (as they did in Cruella, tapping I, Tonya director Craig Gillespie), Jungle Cruise is directed by Spaniard Jaume Collet-Serra, a director-for-hire who has done a little of everything: teen horror (House Of Wax), secret dwarf hooker horror (The Orphan), middling Liam Neeson shoot em ups (Non-Stop, Run All Night, The Commuter) and Blake Lively shark movies (The Shallows).
With a screenplay by Glenn Ficarra and John Requa, who wrote, among other things, my all-time favorite Christmas movie, Bad Santa, Jungle Cruise is more of a thinking man’s Jerry Bruckheimer movie, an Amazonian Pirates Of The Caribbean with a better cast (ie, no Orlando Bloom). It’s corporately woke (girlboss protagonist, openly gay sidekick) but not nauseatingly so. The villains are fun and The Rock is about as good as he’s ever been. What more could you ask of a movie based on a corny amusement park ride? (Not a rhetorical question, I genuinely don’t know the answer).
Emily Blunt plays Lily Houghton, an Amazonia Jones type who is obsessed with finding the “tears of the moon,” a magical flower said to grow in the Amazon that supposedly can cure any ailment. Being that she’s a lady, she’s not allowed to address the stuffy National Geographic Society in chauvinistic 1916 England. So she addresses them through a proxy: her foppish brother MacGregor (the handsomely dimple chinned Jack Whitehall). While MacGregor stalls for time in front of the scoffing toffs, Lily sneaks into the archives to steal an ancient arrowhead that could lead her to the flower, putting her on a collision course with the evil Prince Joachim, played by Jesse Plemons (aka Jesse P. Lemons). He’s a son of Kaiser Wilhelm who would use the flower not to heal the sick, but to grow ever more jingoistic mustaches (something like that, we’re mostly left to assume here).
Some chandelier swings and light swashbuckling ensue, and soon the two are on parallel collision courses with Jack Wolff, played by The Rock, a pun-loving huckster leading boat tours along the Amazon river. Lily and her dandy brother need Jack, his boat, and his CGI jaguar sidekick, Proxima to lead them to the tears of the moon. In so doing, they must avoid Prince Joachim (who arrives in a U-boat) and a cabal of murderous zombie conquistadors led by Aguirre (played by Edgar Ramirez, aka New Bodhi from the Point Break remake). Meanwhile, Jack must do it while dodging his molto Italiano creditore, the signore Nilo Nemolato, played bucca di beppitively by Paul Giamatti.
Yes, there is an enchanted gang of Spaniards, a haunted forest, an evil German, a wacky Italian boat magnate, a punning wrestler, and a menagerie of CGI animals, which is a lot for one movie. Too much, in fact. My screener omitted subtitles for Aguirre and Joachim, who speak at least half their lines in Spanish and German, which I initially assumed was an artistic choice. If Disney movies can have Metallica songs and extended Klaus Kinski references now, why not untranslated foreign languages? Mistake or not, I think it actually helped the movie. Not knowing quite what Aguirre is saying allows one to opt out of trying to fully understand Jungle Cruise‘s plot, which is probably for the best.
Corny dad jokes and wrestling-style stunts is The Rock’s exact wheelhouse, and that paired with Ficarra and Requa’s script was enough to squeeze a few genuine laughs from me. A late second act twist allows The Rock to explore, if not the full breadth of his dramatic range, certainly a broader cross-section of it than you’d probably expect in a movie called “Jungle Cruise.” He and Emily Blunt (as good at the plucky heroine as The Rock is at yukked-up musclehead) actually have chemistry. The weakest element of the film is probably all the CGI animals, ironic for a film based on a ride whose main attraction was animatronics. If they’d spent the graphics budget on practical fx and puppetry I feel confident that they’d have something better than “fine at best,” which is about all you can say for Jungle Cruise‘s surely cutting-edge animation.
All of which is to say: Jungle Cruise is pretty good for a movie based on a Disneyland ride. Better than the Pirates of the Caribbean movies at least. Is that what we wanted? Is this what we want?
‘Jungle Cruise’ opens in theaters this weekend and streams via Disney+. Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.
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(@davidcrosss) 
105 Rec
