The Cleveland Baseball Team has a new name, and it brought out some big names to debut it.
In unveiling ‘Guardians’ as its replacement for ‘Indians,’ Cleveland had Tom Hanks and The Black Keys provide the voiceover and the music in the reveal. For those that are unaware (probably a lot of people) Hanks got his acting career started in Cleveland and The Black Keys are from Akron, roughly a 45-minute drive from Cleveland and home to Cleveland’s Double-A affiliate, the Rubber Ducks. Patrick Carney, the bands’ drummer, also filled in at this year’s home opener when drummer John Adams missed the game due to heart surgery. Adams has been drumming while Cleveland is at bat for every home game dating back to 1973.
The team also unveiled its new logos and wordmarks for the name change. The changes are not drastic with the color scheme staying the same and some slightly more edge on the lettering than previous models. Overall, it’s a pretty simple change from what they previously had.
The Guardians name comes from the ‘Guardians of Traffic’ statues on the Hope Memorial Bridge in downtown Cleveland that were built during the Great Depression. The statues are visible from the stadium and located only a short walk away.
Tomorrow is National Tequila Day which matters to… *checks notes* absolutely no one. Come on, this is tequila we’re talking about, do we really need to have a special day to celebrate the spirit? Is one day even enough? No! Every day is a good time for tequila, and you know what, we’re just going to say it — so is every hour.
Tequila is booking right now, people are drinking it more than ever whether they’re slow sipping a fine bottle or mixing up the un-aged stuff for a classic cocktail at home. Even celebrities can’t seem to help themselves from launching their own brands, no doubt inspired by Clooney’s billion-dollar Casamigos’ Diageo partnership.
As such, there are a bunch of great tequilas out there (yes, even the celebrity stuff), but which bottles actually deserve the shelf space at your home bar? To help outfit your collection with the best of the best, our drinks writers shouted out some of their favorite bottles and since it’s National Tequila Day, we decided to give the shine to unaged Blanco tequilas this time around, this way you can enjoy Tequila in its purest form.
I came across LALO quite recently, but in our brief time together I’ve already grown really fond of this simple and pure agave-forward tequila. Made from blue Weber agave harvested in the highlands of Jalisco and produced using a traditional cooking process, LALO hails from the Grupo Tequilero Mexico distillery where Champagne yeast is included in this tequila’s open-air fermentation process.
Tasting Notes:
Bright notes of zesty citrus on the nose with a buttery character that is joined by hints of cooked agave, crushed black peppercorn, and caramel with a rounded fruity finish that settles nicely.
Bottom Line:
This earthy tequila will serve as the perfect base for a spicy cocktail or something that utilizes cinnamon.
El Tesoro Blanco is a multi-award-winning expression out of the legendary La Alteña distillery in Jalisco. You can’t go wrong with this un-aged tequila and one bottle will be enough to convince you to always have it stocked at the home bar. Don’t let this spirit’s distinct initial burn dissuade you, you’ll find the more you get acquainted with this expression, the more you’ll start to realize the depth of flavor it provides, offering a versatile and expressive character that works brilliantly as a base for your cocktails and will actually complement those expensive mixers you spent extra money on.
Tasting Notes:
Sweet and floral on the nose with a quality that draws you in. On the palate, you’ll find notes of tart apple skin, with a fruity body reminiscent of sweet peach. A comforting honey finish settles in and lingers nicely between sips. Pair this with some fresh lime juice, agave syrup, and Cointreau shaken with rocks and you’ve got a perfect simple summer margarita.
Bottom Line:
An initial burn makes way for tequila with a floral and fruity character and a sweet honey close. Perfect for cocktails or straight as a toast with friends.
PaQui’s Silver tequila is made using 100 percent Blue Weber Agave harvested from the highlands of Jalisco. The piñas are cooked in a high-pressure Autoclave, which helps to release pronounced flavors and aromas and then crushed using roller mill extraction. The result is then fermented for nearly a week in stainless steel fermentation tanks along with fresh wine yeast.
Tasting Notes:
PaQui is highly chemical on the nose, I don’t love that, but it opens up in the glass presenting notes of earthy agave and asparagus. On the palate, you’ll get buttery notes and a silky mouthfeel with the subtlest lift of refreshing mint on the backend.
Bottom Line:
This one begs to be mixed. Grab a Grapefruit Jarritos — or club soda if you’re feeling boring — and mix them over ice with a mint garnish and a fresh squeeze of lime.
Hailing from the crowded La Cofradia distillery, Hiatus is made using agave harvested from the Tequila valley at peak maturity, cooked in brick ovens, and extracted using a screw mill method. This tequila presents itself brilliantly, with a glittering silver glow and a smooth mouthfeel.
Tasting Notes:
Zesty notes of citrus rind on the nose with a sort of earthy cacti quality. On the palate, that earthiness continues with the flavors of crushed peppercorn and a surprisingly tropical fruity finish that feels like it comes out of nowhere.
The Bottom Line
For the price, one of the smoothest blanco tequilas you’ll ever drink. It’s so easy to drink you’ll be surprised it didn’t mellow out in a barrel. Probably the only option on this list we’d advise sipping straight.
In recent years, Casa Noble has begun racking up awards while gaining a devoted following in the tequila world. Its blanco isn’t your average un-aged value tequila. Made with 100 percent estate-grown Blue Weber agave, it’s distilled three times to guarantee a clean, crisp, sweet flavor perfect for mixing into your favorite cocktail.
Tasting Notes:
On the nose, you’ll find aromas of wildflowers, ripe agave, and vanilla. The palate is swirling with vanilla beans, vegetal sweetness, a nice herbal quality, and a gentle nutty flavor that guarantees it works just as well as a slow sipper as a cocktail base.
Bottom Line:
Not only is this a sweet, vanilla-filled blanco perfect for your favorite margarita recipe, but the agave is grown using sustainable practices to guarantee there will be enough for tequila drinkers to enjoy for generations to come.
This award-winning blanco tequila is made using organically-grown Blue Weber agave that’s slow-roasted before being used in the distillation process. Instead of spending a moment in a barrel, it’s immediately put into a bottle. It’s organic, fresh, sweet, and filled with more flavors than you expect from an un-aged tequila.
Tasting Notes:
The aromas of vanilla, ripe agave, citrus zest, nutty sweetness, and slight fruit are prevalent. Sipping it reveals herbal, mint-like qualities, crisp apples, almonds, and agave nectar. The finish is warming, mellow, and surprisingly complex for a blanco tequila.
Bottom Line:
This organic blanco tequila is filled with ripe fruit and nutty flavors that make it just as suitable as a slow sipper as a mixer into a paloma or any of your other go-to tequila drinks.
This renowned blanco tequila is made with 100 percent stone crushed Blue Weber Agave grown in the Tequila Valley in Jalisco, Mexico. It’s double-stilled in copper pots before being added to hand-blown bottles. It’s smooth, clear, and filled with citrus and agave notes that make it well worth its slightly higher price tag.
Tasting Notes:
The nose is filled with scents of ripe agave, citrus rinds, vanilla beans, and just a hint of spicy pepper. The palate is highlighted by cooked agave, vanilla, ripe grapefruit, lemon zest, and a slight herbal quality. It all ends with a long, warming finish of sweet agave and slight spice.
Bottom Line:
This complex, swoon-worthy tequila doesn’t taste like a blanco. Its multi-dimensional flavor profile is leaps and bounds above the bottom shelf clear tequilas you once drank out of plastic handles.
George Clooney, Rande Gerber, and Mike Meldman created one of the fastest-growing (and most profitable) brands in all of alcohol with Casamigos. Part of that is the allure of Clooney taking a central role in the advertising. But the biggest part of the brand’s success is the juice in the bottle, which is originally from the famed Productos Finos de Agave distillery in Jesus Maria in Jalisco. For this expression, the tequila is masterfully made and then left to rest in stainless steel tanks for two months before bottling.
Tasting Notes:
This is complex on the nose with a hint of mint supporting light touches of roasted agave with a hint of dry sweet grass and a squirt of sweet citrus oils. The palate is, for lack of a better term, rich with fresh green herbs, a light savory edge, and a moment minty gum. The end sweetens from that minty taste back towards the sweet and roasted agave with an almost creamy texture as the taste leaves you ever-so warmed.
Bottom Line:
Celebrity tequila discussions aside, this bottle rules. It’s a great cocktail mixer, highball base, or shooter. In fact, you can drink this on the rocks with a twist of lime and you’ll be perfectly happy, especially on a hot summer day.
As a Drizly affiliate, Uproxx may receive a commission pursuant to certain items on this list.
Today, a new documentary called Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, And Rage premieres on HBO and HBO Max. It’s the story of the notorious 1999 music festival that featured the era’s most popular hard-rock bands and ended in riots, sexual assaults, and the permanent sullying of the most famous festival brand in the history of rock ‘n’ roll. It’s also a tale of two generations, the baby boomers and Generation X, detailing how the former tried to impose their self-created nostalgic myths on the latter, with disastrous results. Ultimately, the film explores how the toxicity that existed in pop culture in 1999 helped to shape the world we live in today.
I would like you to see this movie for personal and deeply biased reasons. No. 1, I’m in the film as a talking head. No. 2, I’m also a consulting producer. I was brought on the project after I wrote and hosted an eight-part podcast series on Woodstock 99 in 2019 called Break Stuff. The film includes some of the same interviewees as my podcast, as well as occasional snippets of interviews that I conducted. Director Garret Price has also integrated archival footage from the festival in a way that vividly recreates the horror film-like structure of Woodstock 99 – what begins as an excuse for a bunch of young people to party on the weekend quickly devolves into unrelenting violence and terror.
When the movie was announced a few weeks ago, I tweeted about my hope that people watch Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, And Rage as a double feature with the summer’s other big music festival documentary, Summer Of Soul. I inserted the word “sincere” because I wanted to make it clear that I wasn’t joking. I honestly believe that Woodstock 99, while an unlikely pairing with Questlove’s feel-good debut directorial debut, nevertheless syncs well with Summer Of Soul as a kind of “heaven and hell” dialogue on similar themes.
I was initially drawn to Woodstock 99 as subject matter because from a narrative perspective, it seemed relevant on multiple levels. If you were to merely recount all of the crazy and disturbing things that happened that weekend in July of 1999 — in the interest of avoiding spoilers, I won’t delve into it here — you would have a compelling story. But Woodstock 99 is also an event with a rich subtext. Talking about it is a way to explore the arc of ’90s music culture from grunge and riot grrrl to nu-metal and boy bands. The year 1999 alone is fascinating; just three months before Woodstock 99, you had the school shooting at Columbine, one of the worst tragedies of the era. You also had the rise of Napster that year, which pointed to how the internet was about to upend not only the music business, but media in general.
One of the most interesting storylines for me was about the generational tensions that Woodstock 99 signified. I noted early on in my podcast that while there was one Woodstock in the 1960s — the big one, the one with Jimi Hendrix, Sly Stone, Santana, and The Who — there were actually twice as many Woodstocks in the ’90s, with Woodstock 94 and Woodstock 99. As I dug in deeper, I came to see the problems at Woodstock 99 as an extension of the mythology created by Michael Wadleigh’s iconic 1970 documentary, Woodstock.
It can’t be overstated how much our collective memories of Woodstock have been shaped by the documentary, one of the most technically impressive and influential rock docs ever made. As a movie, it’s a powerful experience, a cinema verité tour-de-force that makes the viewer feel as though they are there in the middle of this world-changing concert. As journalism, however, Woodstock obscures at least as much as it reveals. Watching the film, you get the impression that the on-the-fly planning that went into the festival results in some discomfort for attendees. But by and large, it seems like a groovy time. What you don’t learn, however, is that there were riots at the original festival. You also don’t hear about the near-mass electrocution event that could have potentially killed tens of thousands of hippies had it not been narrowly averted. Or about the man who died after being run over by a tractor in a nearby field.
At Woodstock 99, the poor planning by organizers — who installed the festival at a military base covered in asphalt during a weekend in which temperatures approached 90 degrees — echoes the chaos that surrounded the original festival. Only this time it had even more tragic consequences. In that sense, the Woodstock 99 documentary to me feels like a response to the first Woodstock documentary, warning against what can happen when people take myth-making movies from the past at face value.
While Summer Of Soul in practically every other way is a much different film than Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, And Rage, it’s also clear that Questlove has made his own answer record to the original Woodstock.
In interviews discussing his vibrant and illuminating film about the 1969 Harlem Cultural Festival, which took place over the course of six weeks during the same summer as Woodstock, Questlove revealed that the original title for Summer Of Soul was in fact Black Woodstock. But he came to see that framing his film that way was ultimately self-defeating; how do you make an argument for the singular importance of something when you relegate it to being the “Black” version of something else?
“I wanted to keep away from ‘Woodstock’ got all the credit! ‘Woodstock’ got all the credit!” he told the Chicago Tribune. “I didn’t want to enter into the project defensively.”
While Summer Of Soul can hardly be accused of being a “defensive” picture, it does have an agenda beyond showing the amazing collection of talent on display. (And, if you haven’t seen it yet, the talent is truly amazing: Stevie Wonder, Sly And The Family Stone, Mavis Staples, Mahalia Jackson, The Chambers Brothers, Sonny Sharrock, The 5th Dimension, and more.) For Questlove, the Harlem Cultural Festival signifies the ways in which stories about Black American culture consistently take a backseat in history, or are ignored completely.
From the jump, it is reiterated that the wondrous footage this film unearths sat in a vault for several decades because the powers-that-be decided that the Harlem Cultural Festival wasn’t worth the documentary treatment. (Exactly how long this footage sat undiscovered has since become the subject of minor controversy.) Meanwhile, Woodstock took on an outsized place in music history because it was immortalized in a classic, larger-than-life film. Surely, as Summer Of Soul argues persuasively, we would have felt similarly about this festival had it also gotten its due as a film 50 years ago.
Correcting lapses in history-writing is a big job, and Questlove puts in a lot of work on Summer Of Soul. It’s not merely one documentary about a festival, but a series of mini-documentaries about the artists on stage and the culture they fostered. We learn about gospel music and salsa music and the sociopolitical history of Harlem and the racial politics that haunted one of the era’s top Black pop groups, The 5th Dimension. Most of this information is delivered via contemporary talking head-style interviews with musicians and attendees. And then Questlove uses the footage from 1969 as a spine on which to hang all of those stories, which keeps the film moving forward briskly and coherently.
This “corrective” aspect of Summer Of Soul — the way it, again, responds to Wadleigh’s Woodstock — is one of the film’s strengths. It also creates the most frustrating aspect of watching the movie. Summer Of Soul is magic whenever we get to see and hear master artists in their prime — Sly Stone and his band playing “Everyday People,” Gladys Knight and The Pips tearing through “I Heard It Through The Grapevine,” the gobsmacking duet between Jackson and Staples on “Take My Hand, Precious Lord.” But just when you’re about to transported to another world … someone starts talking over the music. You ever get stuck sitting next to someone at a concert who won’t stop yapping? Summer Of Soul feels like that sometimes.
While I valued some of the interviews — Marilyn McCoo breaking down after seeing her younger self is unforgettable — I found myself resenting the film whenever it took me away from that incredible footage. (Consider that in the cases of artists like Sharrock and The Chambers Brothers, you only hear talking when they’re on-screen. For the Blu-ray release, I’m going to need an extra disc of just unedited Sonny Sharrock guitar solos.)
As much as I like Summer Of Soul overall, part of me wishes it were a bit more like, well, the original Woodstock, in which all of those killer performances would’ve unfolded, cinéma vérité style, without commentary telling us What It All Means. Then again, that sort of concert film already exists, Questlove seems to say. Like Woodstock 99, Summer Of Soul is about finding a new way beyond one of the central pillars of boomer culture.
Isaiah Rashad’s long-awaited sophomore(!) album The House Is Burningdrops next Friday, July 30, and with just one week to go, the Chattanooga rapper released one more relaxed single to build anticipation. “Wat U Sed,” which he previewed over a year ago, has been completed and is set to be included on The House Is Burning featuring guest appearances from singer Kal Banx (who has made appearances on a variety of TDE related releases in the last few years) and TikTok breakout star Doechii.
With smooth, space-funk production provided by Amaire Johnson and Rory Behr, the song describes a typical night out for Zay, which seems to include plenty of women and bass in the trunk. Guest rapper Doechii, who rose to prominence on TikTok due to the popularity of her song “Yucky Blucky Fruitcake” (which really is better than the title makes it seem), provides an anchor verse and feminine counterpoint to Isaiah’s boasts.
Rashad first made his comeback earlier this year with “Lay Wit Ya” featuring Duke Deuce, following up with “Headshots (4r Da Locals).” He also shared a few songs that got cut from the album, including “200/Warning.”
Listen to “Wat U Sed” above.
The House Is Burning is due 7/30 via TDE/Warner. Pre-save it here.
Isaiah Rashad is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
After essentially dropping $30 million of his own money on a private, three mile long border wall in Texas, frequent Fox News contributor and Trump supporter Tommy Fisher is kind of hoping maybe the Biden administration or a wealthy patriot will pick up the tab for what he calls the “Lamborghini” of border walls.
According to a lengthy profile, Fisher initially got tied up in Steve Bannon‘s We Build the Wall organization, which ended up being an alleged fraud that routinely ripped off donors and landed Bannon in hot water until Trump gave him a pardon. In Fisher’s defense, he cut ties with the group when he learned of their shady dealings, but that didn’t stop him from pouring his own money into his three-mile chunk of wall.
“I was like: ‘This would be really fun. This would be a project that would be remembered, like the Hoover Dam,’” Fisher told Bloomberg. “Today the Hoover Dam is the cheapest electricity you can find in the U.S.—anywhere. And, you know, they took a lot of heat, too.”
By heat, Fisher is not only referring to the controversy regarding building a wall between the U.S. and Mexico — Fisher’s project was referred to as a racist “scam” — but also, the fact that his construction was plagued by structural problems and environmental issues. Making matters worse, Fisher expected the Trump administration to have a second term and take the wall off his hands. Obviously, that didn’t happen, and the Biden administration has already shown that it’s not in the wall-building business. We’re also guessing Mexico won’t pick up the tab either.
When asked what he’ll do if he can’t find a buyer for his wall, Fisher told Bloomberg, “Worst-case scenario. I protected 3 miles of the southern border.” (You can literally walk around the side of it.)
The only person who says “my father…” more often than Meghan McCain is Donald Trump Jr., so naturally, he thinks he’s found her replacement on The View.
The Daily Mailreported that the talk show is looking for a “Trump Republican” to take over for McCain when she leaves, reportedly at the end of the month. ‘It’s chaos behind the scenes at The View. Joy Behar is openly moaning about Meghan leaving as it’s finally hit her that sometimes it is better the devil you know,” a source told the British tabloid. “Joy has only just realized that they could be getting someone much further right on the political spectrum than Meghan who won’t put up with her crap.”
The source said that if The View wants a “massive shake up” to “give the other women a run for their money,” producers should hire a conservative firebrand like Candace Owens, Megyn Kelly, or Kimberly Guilfoyle, Trump Jr.’s girlfriend who departed Fox News in 2018 after being accused of sexual harassment by a former-assistant; the news network agreed to an out-of-court settlement with the assistant for a reported $4 million.
In response to the report, Don tweeted, “LOL, hey @ABC even I’d tune in to see @kimguilfoyle do this. Kim vs the other 4 doesn’t seem like a fair fight though. You may need a few more libs.” To be fair, Guilfoyle is a pro at shouting. She would fit right in.
Trump Jr.’s endorsement was not well received on Twitter:
I know she’s part of your brand with the sexual harassment and all. But, usually, that’s disqualifies someone.
The 2020 Summer Olympics are getting started today, and they began, as they always do, with a grandiose Opening Ceremony. This year, singers from around the world came together to sing the John Lennon classic “Imagine” (a song, by the way, that features the lyric, “Imagine there’s no countries / It isn’t hard to do”).
Participating in the pre-taped performance were Keith Urban (representing Oceania), John Legend (America), Coro Suginami (Asia), Angelique Kidjo (Africa), and Alejandro Sanz (Europe). During the performance, a fleet of drones was positioned in the sky to form an image of a globe of Earth. As CNN notes, a guide to the ceremony explains, “Imagination has the power to unite and to move us forward. By singing this much-loved song in relay, we will spread its powerful message all over the world.”
Keith Urban and John Legend are part of the opening ceremony as part of the Imagine performance of the #Tokyo2020 Olympics!! pic.twitter.com/6aJVvBVvPa
Stunning aerial art at #OlympicGames#OpeningCeremony of drones in a globe above the stadium accompanied by John Lennon&Yoko Ono’s ‘Imagine’ by Sukhoi (?) Junior Choir (Asia),Angelique Kidjo (Africa),Alejandro Sanz (Europe),John Legend(Americas)&Keith Urban (Oceania).Emotional! pic.twitter.com/2vVrLI0QhW
In an interview clip Urban shared, he said, “It’s one of those songs that feels like it’s just always been there. It’s sort of like a spiritual classic. It’s almost more of a hymn than a song, you know? What lyrics stand out to me? Just the ones between the beginning and the end [laughs]. It’s an amazing song! […] Even if you don’t speak English and you don’t know what’s being said in ‘Imagine,’ you can feel it. You can feel that song.”
The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.
ITEM NUMBER ONE — Scorsese would agree, I know it
I won’t pretend to be the first or only person with a WordPress login to claim that the Jackass movies represent one of the greatest accomplishments in the history of American cinema. That argument has been made many times by many people who are much smarter than I am. It is true, though, and I will happily remain a member of that bandwagon.
If I’m being honest here (and why would I lie on Johnny Knoxville’s internet), my appreciation of it all has changed over the years. At first, even before the TV show, back in the CKY days when it was just Bam Margera and friends tearing apart West Chester, it was just something I would watch while drinking cheap beer with a group of fellow idiots. And it is still that in many ways. It is mostly that. Watch this trailer for Jackass Forever and tell me I’m wrong.
But it’s also, like… perfect? It’s kind of perfect. It says more about 21st century America than half of the movies that have won awards in that period. You could make a compelling argument — and I will, especially after a few of those cheap beers — that it is a more worthy addition to a time capsule from this era than, like, Argo or The Departed. It captures the vibe of a subset of the culture as accurately as any piece of art ever has. There’s a whole underlying statement there about suburban malaise and young men attempting to cope with a rapidly changing society, none of which anyone involved intended to make, I imagine. It’s true, though. In a just and fair world, it gets nominated for Best Documentary at next year’s ceremony. This is not hyperbole.
It is also, to be clear, a movie franchise in which a softball pitch whizzes a heater straight into a dude’s beanbag to the great delight of his buddies.
Paramount
Put 10,000 comedy writers in a huge room and give them all the energy drinks and time you want, they will still not come up with anything that makes me laugh harder than this. It’s the jimmie-walloping of it, to be sure, but it’s also the self-satisfied fist pump and the thing where a graying Johnny Knoxville leaps into the frame in celebration while wearing a cardigan. There are layers here. But it’s mostly the thing where the guy got rocked in the junk. I say this as someone who has degrees from college and law school. I feel okay about it.
And then there’s this moment from the trailer, which is lovely in motion but somehow even better as a still image.
Paramount
That is art. I’m not kidding. It’s kind of beautiful in a way. It sums up everything they’re doing and everything they represent and even, to some degree, the futility of mankind trying to control the natural world. It is also an image of a 49-year-old man getting launched ass-to-the-heavens by a bull for the enjoyment of a nation of doofuses. Art can be more than one thing. This is what they mean by that whole “eye of the beholder” thing.
Jackass is good. It has always been good. Do not try to think yourself out of that. Whether you enjoy it for the simple reasons or the deeper reasons, or you use the deeper reasons to justify the simple reasons, the point is that there’s very little there not to enjoy. Put it in the Smithsonian. It will help future generations understand us in a painfully clear way. As all good art should.
ITEM NUMBER TWO — I need them to hash this entire thing out in a live primetime television special
UNIVERSAL
The feud between The Rock and Vin Diesel brings me an amount of joy that borders on unreasonable. I can’t explain it. It just makes me happy to know that these big beefy dudes get so mad at the mere thought of each other that they could spit right there on the floor. It’s been going on for years now, too, dating back to the filming of The Fate of the Furious in 2016 when The Rock dropped this nuke in the caption of an Instagram post.
“My female co-stars are always amazing and I love ’em. My male co-stars however are a different story. Some conduct themselves as stand up men and true professionals, while others don’t. The ones that don’t are too chicken sh-t to do anything about it anyway. Candy asses.”
Things, as they sometimes do, spiraled from there. The Rock was spun off with Jason Statham for Hobbs & Shaw, Tyrese got emotional about it all on social media, and everyone started lobbing little passive-aggressive sticks of dynamite back and forth. It was great. And now the franchise is sending characters into outer space and The Rock is off making action movies based on rides at Disney World, which all feels kind of correct, cosmically. It’s fine. I refuse to choose sides. I just want them to bicker in the press forever.
All of which has made this a wonderful summer for me. The press bickering has been incredible. First, Vin Diesel spoke to Men’s Health for a profile to promote F9 and said one of the most flabbergasting things I’ve ever read. Speaking about The Rock’s performance and their subsequent issues, he said, “I could give a lot of tough love. Not Felliniesque, but I would do anything I’d have to do in order to get performances in anything I’m producing.”
Just incredible. I really think he believes that, too. Vin Diesel thinks he’s making art with the Fast & Furious movies, to the degree he thinks they should contend for Oscars. It is endlessly fascinating to me. Someone it is less fascinating to, on the other hand, is The Rock, who had this to say while promoting Jungle Cruise with Emily Blunt.
When asked about Diesel’s comments, Johnson says, “I laughed and I laughed hard. I think everyone had a laugh at that. And I’ll leave it at that. And that I’ve wished them well. I wish them well on Fast 9. And I wish them the best of luck on Fast 10 and Fast 11 and the rest of the Fast & Furious movies they do that will be without me.” Blunt can’t resist extending the moment. “Just thank God he was there,” she says of Diesel. “Thank God. He carried you through that.” “Felliniesque,” Johnson says.
A few notes here:
The Rock wants to punch Vin Diesel so bad
I love very much that Emily Blunt was egging him on in there, in part because it’s funny and in part because I love an instigator
I would pay up to $9.99 for a one-hour special in which these two attempt to squash their beef with the help of a celebrity mediator who for the sake of this hypothetical is, oh, let’s say Jason Sudeikis in character as Ted Lasso
Actually, no. Disregard that last bullet point. I can’t risk these two making up and taking this feud away from me. I need it to burn forever. I need it to rage under the surface like the mine fires in Centralia. I do not ask for much.
I don’t have much to add here. I don’t see why I should add much anyway. Gillian Anderson, star of The X-Files and now Netflix’s Sex Education, logged into her Twitter account and posted a screenshot of a teapot that looks like a penis and testicles and then added the hashtag #PenisOfTheDay. There is nothing not to like about this. And it got even better because, if you click on that hashtag, you will see dozens of people sending her images of Jeff Bezos’s phallic rocketship. Gillian Anderson is good at social media. That’s what I’m trying to say here.
Speaking of women who are good at social media and like to have fun, let’s check in with 75-year-old Dolly Parton.
Dolly Parton is the best, too. It remains the position of this column that she is a top-five living American and top-20 all-time. Some of that is for contributions to the culture, and yes, this is where I once again mention the story about her allegedly writing both “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day. Some of it is for just being a good person on a bone-deep level, and yes, this is where I once again encourage you to Google “Dolly Parton charity” and click around for a bit.
But it’s also because Dolly Parton is just, like, cool. Good for her. Good for Gillian Anderson. Good for all of us.
ITEM NUMBER FOUR — Okay, yes, sure, but why is it so gray?
This is the trailer for The Last Duel, a new movie from Ridley Scott that has a loaded cast. How loaded? Well, let’s start ticking off some names: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Adam Driver, Jodie Freakin Comer. This is how you cast a movie. And it’s got an interesting plot, too. Here, look.
Set in 1386, the pic sees King Charles VI (Affleck) declare that the knight Jean de Carrouges (Damon) settle his dispute with his friend and squire, Jacques LeGris (Driver), over a claim of sexual assault by the knight’s wife (Comer). After a duel to the death, the one left alive would be declared the winner as a sign of God’s will — and if de Carrouges loses, his wife will be burned at the stake as punishment for her false accusation.
There’s a lot going on here, most of it good, starting with Jodie Comer kicking down the door to the movie star clubhouse between this and her upcoming role in Free Guy, and continuing on to Ben Affleck’s hilarious little blond goatee. He should start growing that for every movie. Make a sequel to The Accountant and let him keep the blond goatee. Do not ever explain or even reference it. Just have him crunch numbers and kill goons while looking like the bass player for a late-90s pop-punk band. The people deserve this.
I do have one complaint, though. Why is it so gray? Like, the whole way through the trailer? This always happens in movies set in medieval Europe. They’re always so gray. I know England is often cloudy and I know they didn’t haven’t electricity in the 1300s but, like, come on, you know? Splash some color around, man. I assure you that people will not complain about the historical accuracy of sunshine. And if they do, tell them to come to me. I’ll set them straight. It’s 2021. We just spent a year locked in our houses. If you’re gonna make a cool movie that stars a lot of cool people and features a damn duel, please at least consider not making it look like it was filmed on-location inside a tub of clay. For me.
On the bright side, no pun intended but happily accepted, the trailer and its gloomy vibes did lead to this tweet, which made me laugh out loud at my computer when I saw it and again today when I remembered it and pasted it in here.
Someday soon someone is going to have to let Affleck star in a biopic about the family that started Dunkin Donuts. It’s the logical endpoint of all of this. The blond goatee stays. This is my only note.
ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Well, it’s time for the Olympics…
The Olympics start this week, which is weird because they were supposed to be last year but got postponed until this year to get us through COVID stuff but now COVID stuff is back and everything is a mess. It’s a bummer, too, because I love the Olympics. I love them so much. I leave them on all day and night and develop strong opinions about sports I had never cared about until 30 seconds prior. One time I got legitimately angry about a score in the diving competition. I’m out of control. It’s great.
Speaking of things about the Olympics that are great, here’s Mary Carillo’s badminton rant from the 2004 games. It’s so good and it pops up on social media every time a new Olympics starts and I watch it and laugh every time I see it. My favorite part is how it starts out as actual analysis and then devolves into chaos around the 1:30 mark. Watch it now if you’ve never seen it. Watch it again if you have. Even if you just watched it yesterday.
And then, when you’re done, click over to this old Deadspin post to see the email she sent them after they posted the clip years ago. I’ll excerpt a chunk of it here just to give you a taste.
Can’t believe that thing’s still around. I was hosting a morning show in Athens that covered a lot of badminton—some table tennis too, but badminton, I’d been assured, was going to be “the curling of the Summer Games.” (!) There was no script for that rant—just a little dead time—but it got some chuckles and a head shake from my producer. It was a pretty loose show—I’d already explained a team handball’s size by comparing it against various members of the melon family, and when I found out that equestrian horses were listed as “equipment” I did a rant on the fact that horses needed passports to get into the country and dramatically produced one, so surely they needed an identity upgrade..
Sometimes the Olympics can be packaged a little too slick, with various human interest pieces and graphics and a cavalcade of haircuts pontificating about the meaning of sports. We’re far enough down that road that it’s not going to change in a large way any time soon. But it is good to remember that sometimes the best thing you can do is point a camera at a charismatic person who has a sense of humor and let them riff. This is why, as of right now, I am starting a campaign to have Mary Carillo and Seth Rogen in the booth for the fencing competition this year.
There’s still time. Get them on a plane. Do not let some research fencing on the plane. This last part is important.
READER MAIL
If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.
From Ryan:
I have been actually in real life mad at you for over a week about your I Think You Should Leave sketch rankings. I know this is a dumb thing to be mad about. I know that the whole point of a ranking like that is to start a conversation. But I’ve been reading your stuff for years and agree with most of your takes, so when I saw Coffin Flop in your bottom-tier it was shocking to me. What is the matter with you?! The bodies flopped out of the coffins! That’s funny!
Look, I don’t really have a defense here. That was the biggest regret of my rankings and was probably a result of me trying to turn it around too fast. History will prove you correct on this one, I suspect. If I were to redo those rankings today, it would definitely be in the top ten. And Ghost Tour would be much higher. Crashmore might be number one, both because I love it and because I discovered later that the name of the actor who played Santa is “Biff Wiff.” (This is true.)
Anyway, none of this is science. Or even art, really, at least not my part of it. I guess the simplest way to explain it all is with the following screencap.
A Bath and Body Works candle heist involving bear mace injured dozens of Miami International Mall goers Saturday afternoon. Fire Rescue is working quickly to help those affected by the strong-odored repellent.
Not sure any phrase has ever captured my attention faster than “candle heist involving bear mace.” Yes, I will read this article. This is the good stuff.
With a stolen bag of candles in one hand and the bear repellent in the other, he aimed at customers doing some weekend shopping and sprayed away, Valdes says video showed.
This is a scene from 9-1-1. It might even be too much for that show, which is saying something because that show once lopped off a person’s nose with a mistletoe-carrying drone inside a chain restaurant. I suppose this is why there’s no spin-off set in Miami. There’s no way fiction could outdo the reality of South Florida.
But that’s not the important thing here. The important thing is that this is about to get perfect in the most specific way you can imagine.
After dosing the store, he made his getaway with his bag of stolen candles. He jumped into a yellow cab and fled the scene.
His identity is not known, but police say he is a heavy-set man with short, cropped black hair wearing a black shirt and blue jean shorts.
Be honest: A part of you, somewhere, maybe so deeply buried in your brain that you didn’t access it until you read that last sentence, already knew this guy was wearing jean shorts while spraying Florida mallgoers with bear mace during his candle heist. Like, what else could he have possibly been wearing? This is a jorts-related incident if I’ve ever seen one.
The Ted Lasso Power Rankings are a weekly analysis of who and/or what had the strongest performance in each episode. Most of the list will feature individual characters, although the committee does reserve the right to honor anything from animals to inanimate objects to laws of nature to general concepts. There are very few rules here.
Season 2, Episode 1 — Goodbye, Earl
Honorable Mention: Higgins (need him to bring back the goatee); Keeley (not much to do, replaced in girl talk a little too easily); Nate (I do not like this new cutthroat Nate); Martin Short (you would get upset if you lost your wallet, too); Trent Crimm, The Independent (I respect that he asks the tough questions and sticks with that particular haircut); Earl the Dog (I wish Earl the best of luck at that farm upstate); Jan Maas (not mean, just Dutch); the Yoga mums (seem like a good hang); taking a long bath instead of a shower (maybe not every day, but a true delight once in a while)
10. John Wingsnight
APPLE
I knew John Wingsnight was a goner the second I heard him tell that story about almost getting in a fight with Martin Short. You simply cannot survive as a love interest for a main character if you are dropping names during long dinner stories in your first on-screen appearance. I hated him instantly, which is saying something considering the man’s name is “John Wingsnight.” Let me repeat that last part: I, a person who loves silly names more than he loves some of his dearest friends, hated a guy whose name was “John Wingsnight.” The odds on this kind of thing happening are so preposterously long that no casino would have even listed them prior to the episode. And yet!
That said, I did end up feeling bad for him. Getting dumped during a brief monologue about how the other person misses fun and adventure and being brave has got to be tough, especially if you both think you’re just going out for a little cup of coffee beforehand. Tough break for ol’ Johnny Wingsnight right there. But now I just realized that he’ll probably turn it into an insufferable story at some party years from now about how the owner of Richmond dumped him over coffee. My sympathy is gone. Good riddance.
9. Ted
APPLE
To recap:
His team was just relegated to the lower league
They have tied every game so far in the season
Their best player killed a dog with a penalty kick
He not could solve the player’s ensuing yips
The sports psychologist he brought in was able to fix the problem but now he’s jealous of her
He’s still not doing great about the whole divorce thing
Could be better!
8. Roy
APPLE
Pretty intense Good News, Bad News kind of week for Roy. The good news is that he’s happier than ever with Keeley and giving terrific dating advice to Rebecca and coaching his niece’s soccer team, which is freaking adorable.
The bad news is that he’s still not quite right with his retirement and struggling with his next step and he hates the idea of becoming a talking head on sports television even though he’d be freaking incredible at it and he clearly has some sort of unresolved issue with Jamie that is eating at him and ruining his wine nights with the Yoga Mums.
That speech was great, though. I hope, by episode four at the latest, Roy backs into a daytime talk show where he becomes like the male and British version of Oprah.
7. Jamie Tartt
APPLEAPPLE
Jamie seems incredibly happy on that dating show, just hooking up with pretty ladies who are tanned within an inch of their lives and talking about it into a camera that is pointed directly at his face. Whether we all realized it or not last season, this was always the logical next step for him. He’s doing great.
6. Rebecca
APPLE
It is good that Rebecca decided not to settle for John Wingsnight and it is good that she has supportive people in her life who will help her through what is clearly a weird time for her. It’s not great that she ended up with him in the first place and it’s less great that the only person who will be blunt and honest with her is Roy, a person whose default setting in every situation is “blunt and honest,” often to a fault.
Also, and this has nothing to do with anything at all, it is really funny to me that she appears to have an open-door policy in her office that extends to any team employee at any hour of the day. It makes for delightful television but it can’t be an efficient way to run a sports franchise.
5. The bird that got away
APPLE
Be honest, you thought we were about to have a Randy Johnson situation on our hands. You thought my sweet boy Dani Rojas was going to kick that soccer ball right into that mid-flight bird and kill it on the spot. I know I thought that as soon as I saw a bird just chilling in the corner of the screen. “Hmm,” I said to myself, maybe a little out loud, “it sure is weird that there’s a bird on the field. Especially because this is a television show and that means they put it there on purpose. It’s almost like th-… ahhhhhhh.”
But nope! Dani killed the dog instead, which was a wild twist for a show with a track record of being full of good vibes. They really killed a dog in the first episode. Before the opening credits! That is something, folks. It is definitely something. Solid break for the bird, though, because in addition to avoiding death via soccer ball, it also avoided death via dog thanks to the soccer ball that didn’t kill it. Probably doesn’t even realize it either. Just flying around all carefree with no knowledge of the absolute chaos it left in its wake. It’s not unreasonable to assume that everything that happens this season will be a direct or indirect result of that bird’s decision to land on the pitch. This kind of ignorance must be so liberating. It seems to work for Jamie.
4. Dani Rojas
APPLE
What a journey for young Dani Rojas. Killed a dog, got the yips, damn near fell into a bottomless pit of depression, had an existential crisis that featured a nightmare about a cartoon dog goalie that he woke up from in a cold sweat next to two models, solved all of these problems after what appeared to be a single session with a therapist, and bent in a corner kick for a goal.
I love him very much. If anything else bad happens to him this season, I might also park myself in front of the shower fully-clothed in an attempt to wash the despair off of me.
3. Phoebe
APPLE
Getting one pound from your uncle for every cuss he says is a solid grift for any child, which I say as someone who swore in front of a family friend’s 10-year-old child three times in the last week alone. It’s an especially good grift when your uncle is Roy Kent, a man who probably starts swearing every morning as soon as his alarm clock goes off. According to her calculations, she’s already owed 1,236 pounds, and according to my — read: Google’s — calculations, that works out to something like $1,700 American. She’ll be able to pay for college and put a down-payment on a nice little house at this rate. Hell, she might be financially independent by the beginning of season three.
Roy might have to take that job as a sports pundit after all. With no new money coming in, his potty mouth is going to put him in the poor house.
2. Dr. Sharon
APPLE
Dr. “Don’t Call Me Doc” Sharon is a fascinating addition to the team — and the show, in general — because she is the polar opposite of Ted in so many ways. He’s a white man, she’s a Black woman. He uses a slew of folksy sayings and jokes to get his points across, she prefers attacking problems head-on. He is skeptical of therapy as a solution to problems, she has built an entire life around it. Best of all, she instantly becomes a great foil for him because she steals his thunder. His whole deal is helping people maximize their potential to become the best version of themselves they can be. And I do mean “his whole deal.” He very openly does not know how to coach the technical aspects of the game. Someone coming in and taking that from him could send him into a wicked spiral, especially because he can’t even get mad at her because, like, she’s out there helping people, too. She’s just better at it.
My strong suspicion here is that this all ends with Ted on her couch breaking down that anti-therapy wall he has and breaking down in general as he works through the aspects of his divorce that he pretty clearly has not yet worked through. My only hope here is that she opens this dialogue by sitting him down and explaining that the two of them are not so different, really. That would be a nice little treat for me.
With new music incoming from The War On Drugs, The Killers, and Coldplay, this episode of Indiecast asks the question we’ve all been thinking: is heartland rock stronger than ever or drawing its last breath? The staying power of the aforementioned acts is undeniable, but at the same time there aren’t many up and coming acts who are creating music that feels similar, sonically or thematically. It’s unclear whether there is even room in the heartland rock space for any acts that are still emerging, including some of our favorite underrated artists like like Wild Pink or Strand Of Oaks.
In this week’s Recommendation Corner, Ian has been vibing with Johnny Football Hero’s Complacency EP, while Steve is once again plugging HBO’s forthcoming Woodstock ’99 documentary for which he served as a consulting producer.
New episodes of Indiecast drop every Friday. Listen to Episode 49 on Apple Podcasts and Spotify below, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts here. You can submit questions for Steve and Ian at [email protected], and make sure to follow us on Instagram and Twitter for all the latest news. We also recently launched a visualizer for our favorite Indiecast moments. Check those out here.
Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
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(@SureJan_rmeol) 
Happy birthday my love! 
