Anyone who has raised a human being to (or near) adulthood knows that the teens years are all kinds of special. On the one hand, teens can be funny, smart, thoughtful, and caring. On the other hand, they also do things that make you scratch your head or bang it against the wall, depending on how bafflingly boneheaded they are.
There’s a reason that legal adulthood doesn’t start before 18. When research confirms the human brain isn’t fully developed until age 25, the only appropriate, informed response is, “Yeah, that tracks.” Because as delightful and fun as they can be, teens do things that simply don’t make sense.
What’s weird, though, is that enough teens do the same nonsensical things that it almost seems as if they’re following a playbook of some sort. It feels like a big conspiracy, like every teenager in America is part of some super-secret TikTok group planning out shenanigans to annoy their parents.
That feeling is why the Facebook page Teenager Pro Tips is so. dang. funny. It shares tips for teen living that are so spot on it’s spooky. Check this out:
“9pm is the proper time to request supplies for tomorrow’s school project.”
Or 10pm, if you’re an overachiever.
“Where to put wrappers. Candy: IN the sofa. Bandaid: ON the counter.”
I mean, where else would you put them?
“Find a chair that others use a lot. Put stuff on it.”
It’s a service. It’ll save the chair wear and tear.
“After drinking water from a cup, drink more water from a different cup.”
Again, the wear and tear thing. And someone’s going to clean all those glasses anyway, so who cares, right?
“When the ice cube tray is empty store it in the freezer.”
It’s an ice cube tray. That’s where it goes. Duh.
“Beg for a box of expensive protein bars. At the first bite decide you hate them.”
And definitely leave the once-bitten bar on the counter as a warning to others.
“Leave a half swallow of milk in the container. Put it back in the fridge. Say, ‘It’s not empty.'”
I mean, that’s technically and literally true. Teens are truth tellers.
“When asked to go get a sibling, don’t go. Instead, stand next to the person who asked and scream your sibling’s name.”
Just doing what they’re told.
“Tidy your room by putting clean clothes in the wash.”
When the clean clothes get thrown on the floor, are they still clean? These are the philosophical questions that keep teens up at night.
“Prepare socks for the laundry by rolling them up tightly. Occasionally add sand.”
Where oh where does all the sand come from? We don’t even live near a beach.
“When the dishwasher is empty put your dirty dishes in the sink.”
You mean there’s not a dish fairy that magically transfers the dishes from the sink into the dishwasher? Whuh?
“Load ice cubes in your hydro flask with 60% accuracy.”
And make sure you leave the 40% you missed to melt on the floor. Speaking of which…
“The water you accidentally spilled makes the floor slippery. Quickly exit to safety.”
Safety first! Always!
“If you scrunch up a towel correctly you can make it stay wet f.o.r.e.v.e.r.”
Forever and ever and evvverrrrrr.
“The proper way to hang a towel is not to.”
Just reiterating the f.o.r.e.v.e.r part.
“Set many early morning alarms 5 minutes apart. Get up some time after the last one.”
It’s all about waking up gradually, you see.
“Moments before it’s time to go yell WHERE’S MY SHIRT!”
It’s all about not getting ready gradually, you see.
“When reminded to do something say ‘I did’ until proven otherwise.
A claim without evidence is merely an opinion, Mom.
“Your bathroom counter should look like a chemistry lab.”
Including the aftermath of many experiments.
“Leave 2 squares of toilet paper so you don’t have to change the roll.”
Can’t change it if it’s not empty. Them’s the rules.
“Sparkling water drinks are like chores. They should never be finished.”
#HalfEmptyDrinks4Life
“When the trash is full, put more trash on it.”
Doesn’t count as full until you can’t balance anything on top anymore. Duh.
Clearly whoever runs this page has or has had teenagers of their own because every single one of these is on the nose. (Follow Teenager Pro Tips on Facebook for more hilarity and solidarity.)