Mike Lindell was certain Donald Trump would be reinstated as president on August 13 — until he wasn’t. “When I gave my prediction about August, and that was several months ago, that was an estimate at the time,” the MyPillow founder later explained (after suggesting that President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris would resign over his ironclad evidence of election fraud). “But it took so long to get this symposium set up. However long it takes for the Supreme Court to take it up and decide on this, I can’t predict that.” But he can make another bogus Trump reinstatement prediction.
In an interview with the Right Side Broadcasting Network during a “Save America” rally in the COVID hotspot that is Cullman, Alabama over the weekend, Lindell claimed that Trump would be president again by the end of the year. “It has to happen now. It’s Trump 2021. 100 percent Trump 2021! And it’s — this election when it does get pulled down, there were so many down-tickets effected. Maybe the Supreme Court and that they just do a whole new election, which is fine,” he rambled (via Salon). “But remember everybody, we have to melt down the machines to make prison bars out of them!”
After missing his August 13th deadline for a Trump re-installment, Mike Lindell says that Trump will still be back in office by the end of 2021. pic.twitter.com/5HDA7xItfQ
Trump praised Lindell during his speech at the rally, calling him “a patriot, a wonderful man, a man who puts his guts into everything. A man that they don’t treat properly. He’s smart; he loves his country so much. He’s willing to die for this country.” At the very least, he’s willing to get “aggressively poked” for this country. And mocked:
Now Mike Lindell is saying New Year. Trump will be reinstated (not a thing) on New Year. If you are still buying this crap, you deserve every bit of disappointment and fleecing you get.
There ya go, you moron. Keep pushing the date out every few months, and you can keep soliciting donations. Just like the rapture! https://t.co/BrjcBfqwqV
In 2011, music culture went back to the future. The sounds of the 1980s were everywhere, whether it was the sultry sax licks that adorned critically acclaimed hits by M83 and Destroyer, the soft-focus synth-pop of chillwave acts like Toro Y Moi and Washed Out, or the fractured AOR heartland rock of Bon Iver, The War On Drugs, and Kurt Vile. Nostalgia for the Reagan era also seeped into cinema, with movies such as Super 8 and Cabin In The Woods self-consciously recalling bygone blockbusters by Steven Spielberg and John Carpenter.
And then there was Nicolas Winding Refn’s Drive, a crime drama starring Ryan Gosling set to a wall-to-wall soundtrack of ’80s Europop homages by hip contemporary indie musicians like Johnny Jewel and Kavinsky. Made on a modest budget of $15 million and released 10 years ago this fall, Drive was a hit, grossing $81 million worldwide. But it was also polarizing, confounding as many people with its deliberate pacing and mix of dewy romanticism and extreme violence as it thrilled those who loved the soundtrack and Refn’s command of cinematic cool. The film’s dire Cinemascore rating — a lowly C-minus — was blamed on an ad campaign that promoted Drive as a standard-issue action film featuring the sexy leading man from The Notebook; one disgruntled viewer even filed a lawsuit against the distributors on the grounds that she was “misled” into buying a ticket for an arty meditation on action films.
In retrospect, Drive‘s reputation has suffered even among those who initially liked the movie. It’s become one of those pictures associated with so-called “film bro” culture, just below the tier of the usual favorites from Tarantino, Fincher, and Nolan. But whether you like the movie or not, it’s undeniable that Drive is among the most influential films of the early 2010s. Not just in cinema, but in culture overall. In Drive, you can see the roots of films like Baby Driver and Wonder Woman 1984 as well as the smash-hit TV series Stranger Things, and even Taylor Swift’s pop breakthrough 1989. Three years after Drive, the BBC did a “rescore” of the film featuring many of the acts who have (deliberately or not) emulated the film’s vibe of retro melancholy, including key 2010s indie bands such as The 1975 and Chvrches. Drive might have looked back, but it also helped to define its decade.
Watching Drive again this week for the first time in years was an unusual experience. It’s not a film like Donnie Darko, which came out a decade before Drive and similarly inspired a wave of ’80s fetishism among the film’s cultists. Donnie Darko is a period piece set in 1988, whereas Drive intentionally mixes up different eras — it’s a ’70s-style noir with an ’80s-style soundtrack that takes place in “modern” Los Angeles — so it feels like it occurs out of time in a nowhere place. It doesn’t so much cater to the nostalgia of the audience as it centers on nostalgia itself as a subject; you’re always reminded that what you’re seeing was already lost and warmed-over even when the film was new. From the beginning, that familiar dull ache was baked in. Seeing Drive now was like revisiting a 2010s version of an idea of the 1980s.
Recently I’ve seen people online reminisce about the “old” internet as it existed in 2011, which was about the time when social media achieved critical mass and dramatically altered how people interfaced in the digital sphere. Drive exists at the nexus of this change; it points both forward and backward. On the former point, Drive has a Tumblr sensibility, piecing together a mood board of images, sounds, and vibes from other movies, most crucially Walter Hill’s The Driver and Michael Mann’s Thief. Both of those films came out within a few years of each other as the gritty ’70s evolved into the glossy ’80s, and they have a visually pretty/textually ugly aesthetic that Drive utilizes. (Refn’s film, by way of the James Sallis novel it is based on, also borrows some plot and character points from The Driver. Both movies, for instance, feature a blonde, handsome, and a taciturn protagonist who opens the story by pulling off a daring yet mathematically precise car chase from a heist.)
But Drive also presages an internet culture dominated by social media. Unlike the films it references, Drive is glib, melodramatic, obsessed with appearances, and adolescent, just like a typical Twitter feed. In Thief, the action stops for several minutes so that the film’s middle-aged stars, James Caan and Tuesday Weld, can have a conversation in a diner about their personal setbacks and disappointments. There is no such scene in Drive, a film that Refn has said is “about a man who drives around listening to pop songs at night because that’s his emotional relief.” We never learn anything about Gosling’s protagonist that’s deep, real or psychological; he’s signified by his favorite songs and that satin scorpion jacket. He isn’t a grown-up man, he’s an avatar.
One movie that hasn’t been cited by Refn or film critics as an influence on Drive is Taxi Driver. But I kept thinking of Martin Scorsese’s 1976 classic during my recent rewatch. Both films fixate on the same central metaphor — a car as a kind of “metal coffin” (to borrow Taxi Driver screenwriter Paul Schrader’s phrase) that allows a lonely man to be constantly surrounded by people while also being utterly alone. In both Taxi Driver and Drive, it’s the poisoned slow-release capsule that will eventually “drive” the main characters from lives of quiet desperation to shocking acts of graphic violence. You can also use this idea to describe the sensation of being depressed or mentally ill, or the daily experience of going on Facebook.
Of course, it’s possible that I had Taxi Driver on the brain because of Albert Brooks, who is also my favorite part of Drive. Refn was inspired to cast the venerable comedian based on Brooks’ 1985 satire of yuppie consumerism, Lost In America, a film that in the moment seemed designed to dissuade future generations from ever being nostalgic for this self-centered, materialistic decade. While Brooks doesn’t stab anyone in the neck in Lost In America, as he does in Drive, his rage during the famous “nest egg” speech does suggest that he always had the ability to play a villain. In Drive, Brooks’ sleazy film producer-turned-gangster turns to violence out of aggrieved annoyance over being put in a bad position by the incompetents that surround him. He doesn’t want to slice Bryan Cranston’s wrist; he only wanted to put some cash into a stock car, another nest egg that cracked through no fault of his own.
As for Gosling, he is suitably pretty and brooding. But even if Drive is one of his signature films, I can’t help feeling that he’s miscast; I tend to prefer him as an exceptional comic actor who specializes in playing dunces that embarrass themselves by talking too much, as he does in The Nice Guys and La La Land, rather than a guy who talks too little. On the other hand, I think his read on his nameless character in Drive is correct. “The only way to make sense of this is that this is a guy that’s seen too many movies, and he’s started to confuse his life for a film,” he said in 2011. “He’s lost in the mythology of Hollywood and he’s become an amalgamation of all the characters that he admires.”
At the risk of taking the Taxi Driver analogy too far, I think it’s fair to interpret Drive as the fantasy of a solitary loser whose extremely stylized and romantic vision of himself is “true” only in terms of how he presents to the world. If Drive is a first-person film, and I think it is, it puts us in the mind of a guy who makes sense of reality by reducing all interactions down to cool-guy posturing and sweeping synth riffs. For him and the viewer, the windshield is another screen. We see him and he sees us but we’re all alone.
John Oliver won’t miss Mike Richards following his surprise resignation amid the ongoing Jeopardy! hosting fiasco. This was actually the second time that the Last Week Tonight host took aim at Richards with Oliver revealing that he wasn’t really impressed with the executive producer who reportedly helped select himself when other guest-hosts like Ken Jennings and LeVar Burton (and even those who didn’t get a shot, like Laura Coates) would have been more welcome additions following the beloved Alex Trebek’s passing.
Fast forward a week, and Richards pulled off a surprise-Friday resignation move after The Ringer’s report (by Claire McNear) that surfaced Richards’ history of troubling remarks after what was already known about his controversial past as a game show producer. It was a development that left people hoping that LeVar Burton’s cheery and innocuous tweet meant more than it actually did, but John Oliver did not hold back. Here’s how he began Sunday night’s episode:
“It’s been a busy week. There was a bomb threat in Washington, this smirking golf bag was demoted from hosting Jeopardy to merely running it…“
Ouch, Last Week Tonight does not tread lightly with its nicknames that it bestows upon pop culture figures. Yet what’s most notable about Oliver’s disdain for Mike Richards is that — coupled with last week’s swift take (“It is genuinely hard to imagine a five word phrase less welcome than ‘we know who you are,’” the host declared. “Aside from obviously ‘new Jeopardy! host Mike Richards’”) — Oliver doesn’t even see the need to spend too much time on a clearly ridiculous situation. With that said, you can watch Oliver’s deep dive into a fiasco with more devastating effects (Afghanistan) here.
We take comedy very serious here at UPROXX which is why we made sure to craft a streaming recs list that has it all. From Will Ferrell-fronted action romps to stoner adventures, classic teen hijinks, and some more cerebral fare — there’s something here for everyone, as long as you’re looking to laugh.
Here are the best comedies streaming on Netflix right now.
Eric Andre borrows Sacha Baron Cohen’s schtick — combining scripted storytelling with secretly-filmed real-world pranks — to create this hybrid comedy masterpiece about two best friends on the road trip of their lives. Andre plays Chris while the always fantastic Lil Rel Howery plays his BFF Bud. The two head from Florida to New York (chased by Bud’s mentally unsound escaped convict of a sister played by Tiffany Haddish) while taking in America’s heartland by way of rodeo nights and unfortunately gorilla encounters at local zoos.
Will Ferrell entire filmography could fill this list and we wouldn’t complain but there is something about this fast-paced buddy comedy that feels special. Maybe it’s the instantly iconic, always quotable one-liners — “If you’re not first, you’re last” — or the friendship between Ferrell’s Bobby and John C. Reilly’s Cal. Maybe it’s Sacha Baron Cohen’s Euro-trash villain or Amy Adam’s surprising turn as Bobby’s love interest Susan. Or maybe it’s just the over-the-top accents and constant references to “baby Jesus.” Whatever kind of Tom Cruise witchcraft is happening here, we can’t stop laughing.
Melissa McCarthy is the queen of physical comedy and she throws all of her weight into this role, playing a woman who accidentally injects herself with a serum that grants her super-strength. She partners with Octavia Spencer, who plays a scientist, and her former friend, as the two take on a new crop of super villains — hopefully without making an even bigger mess of things.
Even if you’ve never seen any of the Monty Python films, you most certainly know of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It’s been quoted, memed, gif-ed, and idolized by comedy fans for generations. At its core, it’s a parody of the legends of King Arthur and his knights. It’s stocked with an impressive cast — John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, etc — and its full of eccentric characters, bizarre adventures, and gut-bustingly funny jokes. Think failed Trojan Rabbits, modern-day murder investigations, animated monsters, and musical numbers. Intellectual midgets everywhere will love it.
Seth Rogen and James Franco star in this comedy about a process server and his drug dealer who go on the run from a couple of hitmen. Rogen plays Dale, a 25-year-old slacker who witnesses a murder and is hunted (along with his drug dealer Saul, played by Franco) by a drug lord intent on silencing him before he can go to the police. The two get into all kinds of hijinks involving Asian mobsters, barn explosions, and nursing homes.
Jonah Hill and Michael Cera play a couple of best friends in search of a good time in this raunchy high school comedy from pals Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. Seth (Hill) and Evan (Cera) hope to close out their senior year by getting wasted and getting laid with a blow-out to end all blow-outs. Their mission to get booze for the party, impress their crushes, and have a memorable night is derailed rather quickly thanks to fake IDs, a couple of incompetent cops, bar fights, and their own bickering. It’s a gross, over-the-top, and surprisingly poignant look at friendship and what happens when we outgrow people.
Zach Galifianakis brings back his beloved comedy talk show, this time in movie form. The viral internet series that saw the funny-man sit down for awkward interviews with celebs and presidents was picked up by Funny or Die, and it seems that Will Ferrell wants the final ten episodes he’s owed, so Zach and his crew go on the road to have some rather hostile chats with people like Bradley Cooper, Keanu Reeves, and David Letterman.
Wunderkind Paul Thomas Anderson synthesized all his greatest influences — Scorsese’s hyperkinetic camerawork, Altman’s profound empathy for human suffering, Tarantino’s flair for sleazy L.A. dialogue — into something completely original in his breakout film. He wasn’t even out of his twenties, and Anderson conducted a flawless ensemble cast including Burt Reynolds, Julianne Moore, John C. Reilly, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Don Cheadle, and a headstrong kid named Mark Wahlberg in a sweeping statement on Hollywood, America, and cinema in general. At turns side-splittingly funny and unspeakably dark, teeming with life in every meticulously constructed frame, traversing two decades in the life of an industry at a pivotal moment of flux, Boogie Nights remains one of the greatest American films to come out of the ’90s.
Eddie Murphy stages a bit of a comeback in this biopic about famed comedian, actor, showman Rudy Ray Moore, better known as Dolemite to fans of his raunchy comedy albums, stand-up tours, and blaxploitation films. Murphy plays Moore at the beginning of his career when he was just a record store clerk looking to break out in the business. He’s joined by a cast that includes Keegan-Michael Key, Ron Cephas Jones, Tituss Burgess, and others, but it’s Murphy who shines here, giving possibly the best performance of his career as a man who will stop at nothing to pursue his dream.
Matthew Broderick plays a depressed high school teacher, who tries to manage his imploding marriage while facing off against a determined and cunning student in this dark comedy that features Reese Witherspoon in one of the best performances of her career. Witherspoon plays Tracy Flick, an overachieving student with dreams (of becoming the student body president) that are quickly dashed by the school’s popular jock. Tracy’s willing to go to extreme lengths to win the race, but when Broderick’s Mr. McAllister thinks to intervene, his own failing personal life is put on display.
Edgar Wright’s 2010 action comedy about a hapless boy who must defeat evil ex-boyfriends in order to win the hand of the girl he loves is a fast-paced ride that bombards the senses. Michael Cera plays a loveable goof in the titular hero, a young man enamored with a woman named Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). In order to be with his lady love, Scott must fight her evil exes, six guys, one girl, who challenge him to truly strange contests. The film is a cinematic mash-up of Japanese anime and gamer culture, intended for the crowd who grew up on Nintendo and comic books, but it brings plenty of laughs all the same.
The ’90s gave us some iconic characters, but Jeff Bridges as “The Dude” has to rank high on everyone’s list of beloved stoner types. Bridge’s bowling fanatic and overall slob’s mellow is seriously harshed when he becomes the victim of a case of mistaken identity and must recruit his bowling buddies (Steve Buscemi and John Goodman) to help him navigate kidnappings and cover-ups and the hangovers caused by too many White Russians.
You’ve probably never heard of this rom-com starring Anna Kendrick and Sam Rockwell, which is a damn shame because the two have great chemistry on screen and the plot’s just quirky enough to feel refreshingly different from anything else on this list. Kendrick plays Martha, a woman reeling from a bad break-up and searching for direction in her life who meets Rockwell’s Francis, a hitman who targets his own employers and is on the run from a nasty government agent (and excellent Tim Roth). It’s weird, but in a fun way, ya know?
Reese Witherspoon is a certified icon, and she owes at least some of her popularity to this film about a privileged young woman who defies the odds in order to chase her unavailable ex-boyfriend. Witherspoon plays Elle Woods, a bubbly, air-headed blonde sorority girl who gets into Harvard (what, like it’s hard?) in order to impress a guy who dumped her. She ends up surprising herself, though, when she reaches the top of her class and is given the chance to serve on a high-profile case by her slimy professor and his well-meaning T.A. (Luke Wilson). Sure, this movie’s been quoted and meme-d twice over, but there’s no way you won’t have fun watching Witherspoon mine as much humor as she can from her dumb-blonde routine.
The Coen brothers are back with a slick new Western romp, one that serves as an ode to all of the tropes present in Hollywood’s best Wild West adaptations. Split into six parts, each story is loosely connected although thematically and tonally different. Tim Blake Nelson stars as the titular hero, a sharpshooting songster who takes part in the film’s opening musical portion. From there, we get stories of outlaws getting their due, prospectors mining for gold, ghostly hauntings, and wagon trails. Forget trying to follow the thread and simply enjoy the ride with this one.
Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams take on the planet’s most-watched singing competition with this campy comedy about an Icelandic duo named Fire Saga, who are set on achieving glory on the world’s biggest stage. Ferrell and McAdams play Lars Erickssong and Sigrit Ericksdottir, artists chosen to represent their nation in the Eurovision Song Contest, a real competition that features musicians from all over the world, who are often performing in wild get-ups. Dan Stevens almost steals the show while Pierce Brosnan and Demi Lovato make appearances. We’re calling it now: “Volcano Man” is going to be a bop for the ages.
Jonah Hill and Miles Teller feed off each other’s crazy in this action-comedy loosely based on a true story. The two play bros David (Teller) and Effraim (Hill), who hustle their way into a million-dollar contract with the Pentagon, selling ill-gotten arms to the military and paling it up with militants overseas. It’s a wild ride, one that’s heavy on violence and a bit dizzying with its fast-paced dialogue, but Hill and Teller have great comedic chemistry throughout.
You can’t think of classic ’80s teen comedies and not include Matthew Broderick’s rebellious school comedy in those musings. Broderick brought Ferris Bueller, a smart-mouthed kid with a flair for the dramatic, to life in this beloved movie that also stars Alan Ruck and Jennifer Grey. Bueller goes to extreme lengths to skip school with his best friend and girlfriend, leading them on an adventure that includes a musical parade in the city and a brush with the law. Being bad never looked so fun.
Stranger Things star Natalia Dyer stars in this hormonally-charged teenage comedy, playing a young, naive high-schooler at a co-ed Catholic institution who goes through a kind of sexual awakening on a spiritual retreat. Dyer’s Alice is curious about sex, too curious for the priests teaching her morality classes at school and her judgemental classmates. When they all go on a three day retreat, Alice fields nasty rumors about her nonexistent sexual experience while pursuing an older boy and learning the truth about everyone else’s kinks. It’s the kind of buttoned-up, raunchy hornfest that you’d expect from a movie exploring how religion represses sexuality, and Dyer is hilarious in it.
Mike Meyers returns as the international man of mystery in this ’90s comedy with Heather Graham. Dr. Evil is back too and he’s stolen Austin Powers’ all-important mojo with a handy time-travel device, so he and Agent Felicity Shagwell (Graham) must travel back to the ’60s to recover it and stop Evil from ending the world. Jerry Springer, Mini-Me, and Fat Bastard all make an appearance but the draw is watching Meyers add a different look to the character as he struggles to find his sexy again.
Greta Gerwig’s love letter to her hometown of Sacramento, California follows Saoirse Ronan and Laurie Metcalf as they navigate the often-frustrating relationship between mother and daughter. Ronan plays “Ladybird,” a young woman attending Catholic school who longs for the culture and change of scenery that New York City promises. Her mother, Metcalf, is overbearing and overprotective, and the family’s lack of money and social standing contributes to a rift between the two. Some hard truths are explored in this film, but watching Ronan manage teenage angst, first love, and everything in between will give you all kinds of nostalgia.
Andy Samberg and his Lonely Island crew have given us plenty of comedy gems over the years, but this may be one of their more inventive shorts. The group spoofs notorious baseball stars Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire in this visual rap album that imagines the brothers in their heyday. Think Beyonce’s Lemonade but, you know, sports.
A charming, unconventional story about what it means to be a family, Hunt for the Wilderpeople follows a juvenile delinquent named Ricky (Julian Dennison), who is adopted by a couple living on a farm in a remote region of New Zealand. After Ricky fakes his suicide and escapes into the bush, his (reluctantly) adopted father Hec (Sam Neill) goes looking for him, and after a series of mishaps, the two are forced to survive in the woods together for months.
Gina Rodriguez, Brittany Snow, and DeWanda Wise team up for this romantic comedy about a young woman’s final hurrah before leaving NYC. Rodriguez plays a journalist named Jenny who must pack up her life, leave her friends, and travel to the West Coast for an exciting job opportunity. Unfortunately for her, her boyfriend of nearly 10 years decides to call it quits, which leaves Jenny on the party warpath, determined to have one final night of fun before her big trip. Lakeith Stanfield also stars in this, and with Netflix’s pretty stellar rom-com track record lately, bet on this being a fun watch.
The Coen brothers give fans another ridiculous romp supported by a mind-blowing cast of A-listers — think George Clooney, Josh Brolin, Scarlett Johansson, Tilda Swinton… really, we could go on. The film follows Brolin’s Eddie Mannix, a Hollywood fixer in the 1950s trying to uncover what happened to a major star who disappeared while filming an upcoming studio blockbuster. Hijinks ensue when nosy reporters and paranoid movie execs get involved.
Anyone who caught Jessica Williams during her tenure on The Daily Show knows that she’s destined for greatness. Despite being so young, she had a confidence, a voice, and a commanding presence that you just can’t fake. The Incredible Jessica James is her first starring vehicle since her time as a correspondent, and it is a true testament to where she’s headed. In a clever look at the life of a struggling playwright who is getting over a breakup, The Incredible Jessica James allows Williams to unleash her fire in the most charming way possible, and she and Chris O’Dowd have an easy chemistry that makes you root for them to make it despite not having a thing in common. Having just come out last year, The Incredible Jessica James is still one of the best comedy movies Netflix has delivered.
Jason Mantzoukas plays the road trip buddy from hell in this adventure comedy from Hannah Fidell. Mantzoukas is an enraged car mechanic (and probably an alcoholic) who invites himself along when college-bound teenager Nat (Tony Revolori) offers him a ride into town. That small gesture of kindness backfires in a big way when Richard (Mantzoukas) hijacks the trip, struggling to manage his past mistakes and bleak outlook while Nat pursues his dream of photographing the original Americana.
Radha Blank writes, directs, and stars in this autobiographical comedy about her unconventional career. Once a promising young playwright, Blank’s trajectory to fame has stalled and in this film, she pokes fun at her failures, reinventing herself as a rapper and using the worlds of hip-hop and theater to find her true voice. It’s darkly funny at times but incredibly relatable and inspiring all the same.
Ali Wong and Randall Park star in the latest rom-com from Netflix. This time around, the plot follows two childhood sweethearts who’ve spent the last 15 years apart and try to reconnect when one moves back home. Wong plays a successful chef opening a new restaurant in San Francisco while Park plays her former best friend still living at home and working for his dad. Both have some growing up to do, but the film eschews classic romcom tropes for bits that are funnier and more poignant than your average lighthearted fare.
A lot of 90s comedies haven’t aged well and parts of this film fare better than others but you can thank Chris Farley and his willingness to leave it all out there for a laugh for the elements that still hit. Farley plays Haru, a white man adopted by an ancient sect of ninjas when he washes ashore as a baby. As a grown man, Haru is clumsy and a bit stupid, which prevents him from becoming a full-fledged warrior, but when a mysterious woman comes asking for his help, he’ll discover abilities he didn’t know he had.
Recent Changes Through August 2021
Removed: My Best Friend’s Wedding, Zombieland, Safety Not Guaranteed, John Mulaney & The Sack Lunch Bunch
Added: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Talladega Nights, Pineapple Express
Typically, when you hear a pitmaster’s introduction to the world of barbecue, tales of growing up around cooking and a passion for food come into play. This isn’t that type of story. Lance Kirkpatrick — lead pitmaster of Austin’s hottest barbecue joint, Stiles Switch BBQ & Brew — was working as a bartender before he learned his ‘cue expertise at the feet of the late, great Bobby Mueller.
Mueller, the legendary owner of Louie Mueller Barbecue in Taylor, Texas, just outside of Austin, was Kirkpatrick’s barbecue mentor — teaching him the importance of running a clean fire, along with so many other bits of expertise and nuance. The eight years Kirkpatrick spent working alongside the ‘cue legend no doubt shaped the upstart chef’s trajectory. Fast forward to the current day and it’s evident that Kirkpatrick has taken those teachings and fused them with his own hard-won knowledge and skill.
Though I initially went to Stiles Switch for the legendary brisket — which is phenomenal — it was Kirkpatrick’s Flintstone-esque beef ribs that left me completely mesmerized. Just check these beauties out:
After eating, I got the chance to learn a little more of Kirkpatrick’s story, along with what keeps him motivated. More to the point, he also divulged (a few of!) his secrets for the perfect rack of beef ribs.
***
What initially attracted you to barbecue? Did you always set out to be a pitmaster?
No. Really, I just I was looking to get out of bartending and I had cooked in other kitchens. I didn’t know anything about barbecue. I literally answered an ad in the paper to Louie Mueller Barbecue out in Taylor, where I was living, and I knew nothing about barbecue.
I learned everything, all the basics from Mr. Mueller there, Louie Mueller.
Yeah, I’m familiar. My husband is from Taylor. He used to eat there. So, I’m guessing was it Bobby Mueller that was your mentor?
He was my mentor. I worked with Bobby for a little over eight years.
Wow. So what would you say was the biggest tip or takeaway you took from being mentored by Bobby?
He would always just tell you to watch your fire and watch your meat. I heard those words over and over. Just running a good constant [and] even fire and not letting it dip or spike was one of his big mantras.
What would you say is the key to keeping a clean fire?
Good wood selection and good management of it. I’ve changed different styles over the years, I like to kind of teach now like gentle is the way with the fire kind of let the fire cook to its full potential. Each log kind of has a potential when you put it on. And sometimes you want to go in and break it down and rebuild but letting each log cook to full potential is something I try to do. Timing of when that fuel source and potential is waning to time another one to go on, where you can keep a constant level of temperature without spiking.
And you cook with post oak, right?
Yes, that is right.
What do you think that adds to the flavor profile of the barbecue?
Oak has a really unique characteristic with a lot of vanillas and sweetness to it. There’s a caramel kind of you can really smell the sweetness and taste the vanillas in there. There’s a reason for that, you know. They store good whiskies in charred oak barrels, and it gives it that kind of vanilla sweetness. They’ll put nice wines in charred oak barrels for that reason as well.
That makes sense. I write about whiskey quite a bit and that’s such a relatable parallel there.
Whiskey and barbecue kind of goes together.
Lance Kirkpatrick
What would you say keeps you motivated, or who keeps you motivated, to be the best you can be as a pitmaster?
I’ll credit Shane [Stiles] with that. He’s always pushing us to get a little outside of our comfort zone and maybe do a special that we hadn’t done before. I’m inspired by all the good cooks that we’ve hired over the ten years. We’ve been really fortunate to build some really good relationships with these guys. And we’re kind of known right now to have an all-star team. It’s true, we do. Over the three restaurants that we have, we’ve got six or eight just outstanding pit cooks working for us.
That’s my inspiration is to just, be an example for these guys we’ve got coming on and learn from some of these experienced guys that we’re bringing on. The customer inspires me a lot. You form a relationship with customers. It’s different in barbecue than any other restaurant. I think that it kind of keeps me coming back to the impact it has with the customer and that relationships that exchange from cook to the diner is really important to me.
You mentioned impact. With being a pitmaster, how do you feel that role has impacted you on a personal level?
It’s helped me. I’ve started to study Daoism a little after the time I started cooking. It’s helped me kind of become a better student of Daoism. There’s a lot of similarities in the way that you can cook – just metaphors of nature and letting things kind of evolve on their own; because a lot of what has to happen in that barbecue pit is a process of evolution. From a raw state, you’re using these elemental resources, like wood and raw meat, fire, and that all kind of comes together.
It’s taught me patience. It’s taught me self-awareness. I’m kind of a philosophical type of fellow and the overnight cooks kind of lend to that. The early morning hours by yourself and a lot of time for meditation and self-reflection and thought. On a real personal level, I’m sober from alcohol for seven years now and it really helped me get in a better place mentally and it helped me overcome my addiction to alcohol.
Lance Kirkpatrick
That is awesome. I’m glad to hear that and congratulations. Getting into the barbecue itself, as I mentioned before the interview, I know you’re known for your brisket. It’s exceptional. However, the beef ribs look like dinosaur bones — they were amazing! What’s the key to making the perfect beef ribs?
I see a lot of times folks just not cooking them long enough. That big beef rib is really a fairly easy cut of meat to cook, to be really honest.
It’s just again, running a good, clean fire and maybe cooking them a little hotter than you might think you want to, they can take a little bit of heat. I like to cook pork ribs around 265 to 275 jumping up a little hotter when they finish, but the bulk of the cook on those is around that.
The beef ribs, they’ll cook a little bit hotter, you can put them a little closer to your fire. Don’t be afraid to get a little bark on there. If it looks like it’s starting to burn a little bit. It might just be doing something that turns out to be okay.
I would just say keep it simple. Don’t try to overcomplicate with a lot of sauce. I don’t like to put sauce on beef anyway, but I just go with a dry rub on them. A lot of folks like just salt and pepper. We add a little house blend seasoned salt to our salt and pepper.
Just a good even temp and I do it by feel. I can put my hand around it with my thumb pressing down on the top portion of it. On those beef ribs, there’s a linear side where that blade kind of comes back. That’s where I always check, and I want my thumb to almost go through that. I want it soft enough for my thumb to really make an indentation. When I train people on cooking [beef ribs], I tell them you’re feeling for that bounce back, you don’t want that. You want to keep cooking it when you put your thumb in there and it bounces back a little, you want to keep cooking. You want a good give when you go to check it.
My last question pertains to Texas barbecue in general. I know that certain parts of Texas use mesquite or use post oak, for example. What would you say sets Texas barbecue or even Austin barbecue apart from other places in the country?
Maybe just the dry rub and the lack of sauce on the meat at the time of cook is one. Another is that it’s more of a beef-driven menu in Texas. Brisket and beef ribs are going to be at the forefront of every Texas barbecue. Whereas in Carolina, Georgia, etcetera — it’s probably going to be pulled pork or whole hog pork. I think what makes Texas unique, like you just said, is the different regionality to it with the different woods. Austin barbecue changed over the last five or ten years. I would say that even if you wanted to compare Austin barbecue to the rest of the state, you might be finding more examples of a chef-driven — not afraid to do different specials going outside of the normal menu of brisket, ribs, and sausage.
Irish whiskey is the fastest-growing whiskey segment in the world. In fact, Americans are drinking so much of the stuff that Irish whiskey is poised to retake its crown as the best-selling imported whiskey in the U.S. by 2030, dethroning Scotch whisky in the process.
That means there’s an increasingly solid chance that you’ve reached for a bottle of the Irish tipple over the past year. (If you haven’t and you like describing your drams as “sweet,” “delicate,” and “smooth”, give this refined style a try.)
As Irish whiskey takes up more space in liquor stores, the number of high-quality “value bottles” also increases. We’re talking rich, nuanced whiskeys that still clock in under $50. Good stuff at a sweet spot price.
To find the best of the bunch, we figured we would once again turn to a handful of well-known bartenders and mixologists — asking them to share their favorite Irish whiskeys under $50. Check their answers below and click on the prices if you want to test out a bottle or two for yourself.
Writer’s Tears Copper Pot is a great one that everyone should try. It has a blend of single pot still and single malt and is not your typical Irish whiskey. This whiskey has an apple and nutty nose, spice, ginger, and orchard fruit on the palate along with a honey and dark chocolate finish.
It was a medal winner at the International Spirits Competition.
West Cork Distillers’ Bourbon Cask whiskey is great. There are a lot of pleasant grain and citrus notes from the whiskey itself, and the bourbon cask gives it a nice caramel dessert-flavored finish. It’s a high-quality spirit and you can get it at a price point that doesn’t empty your wallet.
Sexton
Sexton
Chandra Richter, vice president of beverage development and chief mixologist at Drinkworks
Personally, I’ve been enjoying Sexton Single Malt Irish Whiskey. It is aged in Oloroso sherry casks, which really gives it that added complexity and depth of flavor. I love the dried fruit and honey aroma balanced with notes of cinnamon. It’s a great value Irish Whiskey, definitely worth keeping a bottle on the shelf.
If there was one Irish whiskey people should know more about it’s The Busker Triple Cask Triple Smooth. Priced at around $25, The Busker portrays the depth and the rich layers of flavor you would expect to experience from higher-priced whiskeys. The Busker has beautiful honey and grain notes in the nose and bright flavors of green apple and orange rind linger in the mouth.
The whiskey carries a long finish of confection notes, chocolate, and light spice. It has the complexity of a whiskey I’d certainly be happy to spend more on but am happy that I don’t have to.
Kilbeggan Small Batch Irish Rye
Kilbeggan
Austin Zimmer, bartender at Le Privé in New York City
The Kilbeggan Small Batch Irish Rye has great warm flavors such as marmalade, melon, peppercorns, lilac, with spices. It’s a kind of high-rye mash whiskey, however, the rye and the sweetness compliment each other very well, in such a unique way.
For me, the best Irish whiskey under $50 everyone should try is Jameson. It has a light floral fragrance, smooth sweetness of marmalade, hops, green apple, and vanilla flavors. It’s definitely worth the experience for your money.
I don’t think you can beat Knappogue Castle 12 Year Single Malt for the money. Hints of marzipan and honey are two hallmarks for this everyday delicious whiskey.
The Dubliner Bourbon Cask
The Dubliner
Maren Nazera Erickson, bartender in San Antonio, Texas
The Dubliner Irish Whiskey Bourbon Cask is full of bright and fruity aromas with tasting notes of citrus peel, almonds, coconut, and brown sugar. This is my number one recommendation for people looking to branch out from Jameson into more Irish whiskey at a similar price point.
The owners of Dead Rabbit in New York City teamed up with a Dublin-based distillery to create this smooth, yet malty whiskey with notes of vanilla sweetness. It also finishes with dry spice. The best part? You can get it for under $45 bucks.
Powers
Powers
Joseph Fredrickson, bartender at Society Lounge in Cleveland
I am a Powers guy. It’s the best-selling whiskey in Ireland and pacts more of an ABV punch than the other go-to Irish whiskies. It is smooth with hints of honey and baking notes and goes great in an Irish coffee or a quick shot to get the night going.
If you’ve already enjoyed the likes of Jameson, it’s time to take a step up to Tullamore D.E.W. This bargain-priced whiskey is filled with hints of charred oak, caramel, and a subtle, spicy finish. It’s well-suited for slow sipping or mixing into your favorite cocktails.
As a Drizly affiliate, Uproxx may receive a commission pursuant to certain items on this list.
There’s just nothing quite like a summer road trip. The freedom of setting out with only a loose itinerary and nothing but the winding road and endless possibilities is, frankly, close to unbeatable. It offers a chance to live in the now while reminding us that this moment is at once fleeting and eternal.
With just two weeks left before Labor Day and the unofficial end of summer 2021, there’s just enough time to hit the road for one last hurrah. Here are three road trips I recommend this time of year:
ITINERARY 1: Glacier National Park –> Waterton Lakes National Park –> Banff National Park –> Jasper National Park
I always go north in the summer. While many of these destinations are partially open year-round, often the weather will close some of the most beautiful areas in the winter months. You also can’t do this for much longer:
Glacier National Park has been an incredibly popular destination for summer 2021, but those who didn’t visit earlier now have an advantage: you can now legally continue on into Canada as a US citizen. Canada just opened its borders to fully vaccinated US travelers earlier this month, which means these destinations will still be slightly less crowded than normal — a perfect time to see them for yourself.
Glacier National Park to Waterton Lakes: Drive Time: 2.5 hours (including a border crossing)
After exploring Waterton Lakes, head on to Banff. If you have more time, make some stops in Kootenay and/or Yoho National Parks along the way. You can’t go wrong in Banff, it’s one of the rare places that is actually more incredible in person than any photo you have ever seen. The dramatic mountains that surround you, to the blue lakes that don’t seem real — this is a bucket list destination.
The drive from Banff to Jasper National Park might be the most incredible drive in North America. You’ll be traveling on the 143 mile (232 km, ’cause we’re in Canada now) Icefields Parkway through landscapes that truly don’t seem real. You’ll want at least three and a half hours, but I’d give yourself an entire day. There are many stops to make and things to gawk at on the way.
I was hesitant to travel to the Southeast this August, but pleasantly surprised that the hospitality outweighed the humidity. The west is a road-trip dream, but it’s also vast and far away for most of the United States population. Fortunately, there’s plenty to see and explore in the Southeast — specifically the coast of Georgia.
I spent a week traveling from Jacksonville to Atlanta and was charmed every step of the way.
Jacksonville to Cumberland Island National Seashore: Drive Time: 45 minutes + 45 minute ferry ride
I flew into Jacksonville to begin my Georgia adventure. From there, I drove the short distance to St. Mary’s, Georgia — where the ferry to Cumberland Island National Seashore departs. Cumberland Island has been on my bucket list for years now. The history and people are intensely interesting on their own, not to mention the ample wildlife and true wilderness. You can camp, stay at the Greyfiled Inn, or visit for just a day.
Whatever you choose you will feel like you have somehow completely escaped the world.
Must-Sees:
Rent a bike, take a tour or hike the island. Be sure to spend time on the longest undisturbed coastline on the eastern seaboard.
Cumberland Island to St. Simons Island: Drive Time: 1 hour
From Cumberland Island, it’s a short drive to St. Simons Island, a small beach community with beautiful beaches and a laid-back vibe. I stayed in an adults-only hotel (strongly recommended) and walked to the beach to relax and watch the waves.
St. Simons Island is just an hour and a half from historic Savannah, Georgia. Savannah, of course, has something for everyone. Walk (and legally drink) around the historic downtown squares, eat your weight in Southern cuisine, or drive out to Tybee Island for a beach day.
Must-Sees:
Stop at Fort Pulaski National Monument on the way to Tybee Island (stay for sunset). Stay at Perry Lane Hotel in Savannah, a luxurious spot that greets you with champagne upon arrival, has a beautiful rooftop pool and bar with views that can’t be beaten.
Summer in the Northeast is magic. I spent the entire summer traveling and whenever anyone asks me what my favorite trip was I have to say — “Maine.” The vibe was exactly as I wanted it to be. Quiet, but full of energy. Unassuming, but jaw-droppingly gorgeous.
It all felt like a movie set come to life.
Portland Maine to Acadia National Park: Drive Time: 3 hours
I didn’t have time to visit Portland Maine this trip, but I would add it for next time. The drive from Portland to Acadia National Park in Bar Harbor is just three hours along the coast, with many stops to make.
Acadia National Park to Lubec: Drive Time: 2 hours
Acadia National Park and Bar Harbor are amazing and deserve at least 3-4 days of your time. You can read a lot more here. From there, continue north to Lubec Maine — the northeastern-most city in the United States and the access point to your next destination in Canada.
Must-Sees:
Watch sunrise or sunset at the summit of Cadillac Mountain (with a timed entry ticket), and eat popovers at Jordan Pond House after a hike around the lake at Acadia. Stop at Jasper Beach on your way to Lubec, and be sure to visit the lighthouse and gorgeous hiking in Quoddy Head State Park in Lubec.
Lubec to Campobello: Drive Time: 10 minutes + border crossing
Lubec is the only road access point to Campobello Island in Canada — home of Roosevelt Campobello International Park. Unfortunately, the border wasn’t open to US travelers when I visited, so I am itching to get back. The park is co-managed by the US National Park Service and Canada, preserving the summer home of Franklin Roosevelt through a museum, hiking trails, and gorgeous shorelines.
Chris Perugini started Single Malt Savvy back in 2014. Perugini writes whisk(e)y reviews, leads tastings, and educates the public about all things whisk(e)y — with a focus on single malts — all under the Single Malt Savvy shingle. He’s also built a social media following on Instagram, where he fills his feed with precise reviews of individual bottles to help all of us learn about whisk(e)y on a day-to-day basis.
We were lucky enough to pick Perugini’s brain about his five “must-have” bottles of single malt whisky. Perugini is someone who lives and breathes whisky every single day, so we couldn’t think of a better guide for your single malt whisky journey. Let’s dive in and see which bottles Perugini can’t live without.
If any of these bottles sound like something you’d dig, click on the prices to try them!
Also Read: The Top 5 UPROXX Scotch Whisky Posts of 2021
Aged in a combination of ex-bourbon casks and ex-sherry butts for at least 12 years, this whisky from Islay’s northernmost distillery is non-chill filtered and bottled at 46.3 percent ABV. In my opinion, Bunnahabhain 12 Year is also one of the best values in whisky today.
Tasting Notes:
The nose is a mashup of citrus, cherry, and ripe apples and pears. You can smell the sea air influence along with some leather and earthy notes. On the palate, the fruit jumps out as the clear winner as cherries and orange are out in full force atop baking spice and vanilla. The fruit is present but fades to the background as the sea salt and earthiness really take over on the finish.
Bottom Line:
Bunnahabhain 12 is an unpeated expression, though it shares maritime influence like most of the other distilleries on Islay. This makes for a well-rounded expression with a nice balance of sweetness, spice, and a bit of sea salt that works well for any taste preference.
A classic representation of ex-bourbon cask matured whisky, this ten-year-old expression is affordable and full of pleasant flavors. Aged in slow-growth oak from the Missouri Ozarks, Glenmorangie takes their aging vessels seriously and it shows in the end result.
Tasting Notes:
On the nose, there are notes of oranges, vanilla, fresh-cut flowers, and a hint of white chocolate. On the palate, you’ll find apples and pears, vanilla, and light baking spice. The finish is medium-short and leaves behind honey, fresh fruit, and hints of oak.
Bottom Line:
Long before Glenmorangie X was created, the 10 Year Original was the single malt that I always recommended as a mixer. Its light and pleasant flavor set can be taken in a variety of directions in a cocktail and it’s priced well enough that there won’t be any guilt when mixing it.
If you’re looking for something a bit different to round out your week, Glen Scotia Victoriana is definitely worth considering. The whisky is first matured in ex-bourbon casks before being split into two different finishing casks. 30 percent of the whisky moves to ex-Pedro Ximenez casks while the other 70 percent moves to heavy char American oak.
Victoriana is non-chill filtered and bottled at 51.5 percent ABV.
Tasting Notes:
The nose is coastal and fruity with notes of salted caramel, 2x4s, apples, peaches, and a hint of leather. On the palate, one finds more stone fruit, gumdrops, fennel, sea salt, and a hint of musty basement. The finish is dry, earthy, and spicy with notes of charcoal, clove, and some warehouse dunnage with a bit of candy sweetness underneath it all.
Bottom Line:
Glen Scotia Victoriana is a malt that I think can really appeal to a bourbon drinker. Despite the fact that there’s a bit of smoke and coastal influence, it’s aged in ex-bourbon casks and features a finish in heavy char barrels, which lends a lot of bourbon-y notes to the whisky.
There’s also just a touch of “Campbeltown Funk” influence to keep things interesting.
The Celebration Dram: Glendronach 18 Year Allardice
While it’s often overshadowed by its slightly younger sibling (15 Year Revival), I think Glendronach 18 Year Allardice is where the distillery’s character really shines. Aged in a combination of ex-Oloroso and ex-Pedro Ximenez casks for at least 18 years, Glendronach Allardice is a full-bodied whisky that really leaves its mark with each sip.
Tasting Notes:
On the nose, you’ll find dried red berries, dark chocolate, cinnamon, nutmeg, and almonds. The palate offers notes of plums, raisins, more nuttiness, cappuccino, creamy vanilla, and some nice oak. The finish is long and full of dried fruit, orange citrus, deep oak, toffee, and clove.
Bottom Line:
When in doubt, a heavily sherried whisky never disappoints. This release is the perfect after-dinner pour or the closing dram of the evening. Sherried sweetness, dried fruits, and baking spice offer a great combination of flavors and at 18 years old, there’s plenty of oak influence to ground the other flavors into a perfectly structured sensory experience.
Released twice a year in extremely small batches, The Balvenie 30 Year is a whisky worth splurging on for special occasion sipping. This whisky is aged in a combination of ex-bourbon and ex-sherry casks for at least 30 years and is bottled at a respectable 47.3 percent ABV.
Tasting Notes:
On the nose, there’s sugar-covered red berries, rich oak, floral notes, and a hint of mint. On the palate, you’ll find notes of honey, vanilla, orange citrus, Pixie Stix, and a big honeyed sweetness. The finish is long and oily with notes of creme brulee topping, old oak, and baking spice.
Bottom Line:
I only drink the Balvenie 30 every once in a great while, but when I do I immediately remember why it’s one of my favorite whiskies of all time. It’s rich, complex, and beautifully balanced the whole way through. This bottling sets the standard for how old whisky should be produced — with a higher bottling strength and lack of chill filtration in addition to a tremendous flavor set.
This whisky leaves a lasting impression on all who try it.
As a Drizly affiliate, Uproxx may receive a commission pursuant to certain items on this list.
Premium vodka is one of the most accessible and affordable spirits on the shelf. Vodka starts to get nuanced and very bespoke around the $30 price point and hardly ever goes over $50 per bottle. Yes, there are some rare gems out there that cost more than that, but it’s extremely rare for vodka to reach past the $100 per bottle mark.
To that end, we’re blind taste testing six premium or high-end vodkas today. The expressions we’re trying go beyond the entry-level stuff. These are the bottles that often feature one grain from one estate and have unique filtering processes that help make them that much more special. The best part is that all of these are considered premium vodkas and not one will cost you more than $50.
Our lineup today is:
Russian Standard Platinum
Absolut Elyx
Grey Goose
Crystal Head
Beluga Transatlantic Racer
Belvedere
We tried to keep this broad by including varying regions and mash bills. But in the end, this was all about taste. In my estimation, a vodka being 100 percent neutral isn’t the point of premium vodka. There has to be something there to taste that helps it stand out. Truth be told, the more neutral the spirit the lower it’ll rank for me — if you want something strictly to disappear into a mixed drink, check this piece out instead.
Okay, that’s enough preamble, let’s get to the tasting. Click on the prices if any of these vodkas jump out at you.
There’s a slight Graham cracker maltiness with soft mineral water notes. The taste remains fairly grain-focused as a very, very distant bitter note arrives late. It’s almost like a cardamom seed with a touch of bitter orange.
Otherwise, this is incredibly soft — with a rainwater vibe.
Taste 2
Zach Johnston
Tasting Notes:
This is pure mineral water on the nose. There’s barely even a note of alcohol. The taste, on the other hand, pops with notes of wet grains, rich soil, and lemon meringue with a touch of vanilla. The palate is bold yet very soft and leaves you with that lemon/vanilla note.
Taste 3
Zach Johnston
Tasting Notes:
Again, the nose on this is pure, soft mineral water with maybe a touch of graininess. The palate is subtle with hints of lemon oils and an echo of dried chili flake on the finish. That very dry and mild spice leaves you with a warm note next to velvety mineral water softness.
Taste 4
Zach Johnston
Tasting Notes:
Woah! Cornbread! A can of vanilla frosting! The nose on this is wild. The taste is initially sweet, kind of like a vanilla cookie. Then the palate veers dramatically towards anise and black licorice (almost absinthe levels), leaving you with a bitter-yet-mildly-sweet finish.
Taste 5
Zach Johnston
Tasting Notes:
The nose on this is saline leading to sea spray with a silky roundness. The palate goes from super soft mineral water neutral to the oyster liquor from a just-opened oyster with a very distant honey/oat vibe. That oyster liquor note intensifies on the next sip and the next, leading towards a real seaside depth.
Put the rest away, we have a winner!
Taste 6
Zach Johnston
Tasting Notes:
This opens with a malty lemon cookie on the nose. That fades quickly into pure neutrality. There’s nothing on the palate besides soft mineral water and a hint of wet wheat.
This Polish vodka is made with 100 percent Polish Dankowskie rye, or “diamond” rye, which is a rare baker’s rye grown specifically for its low starch content. The multi-distilled spirit is then cut with local well water before its charcoal-filtered and bottled.
Bottom Line:
This was by far the most neutral vodka on the list. If you’re mixing and just need ABVs in your drink with no flavor whatsoever, this is the drink for you. Standing up against these other vodkas with well-built flavors, it just didn’t work today.
Dan Akroyd’s vodka is as Canadian as the comedian. The vodka is made from peaches and cream corn in Newfoundland. The distillate is filtered through a crystal known as a Herkimer diamond. The vodka is then cut with glacial water from Newfoundland and is bottled in a bespoke crystal head.
Bottom Line:
I went back to this twice. I love absinthe and black licorice but I just couldn’t square those notes in this vodka. It’s not that it’s bad by any stretch. This just felt a little too focused on those bitter notes.
That being said, this might make a very interesting clear Sazerac one day when I’m tinkering behind the bar.
This French vodka is created using winter wheat grown in the north of France. The distillate is shipped down to Cognac where it’s cut with demineralized spring water from the region, rested, and then bottled.
Bottom Line:
Full disclosure, the next two vodkas are kind of splitting hairs. I considered just having a tie for third place but this works too. This is a solid vodka with equally solid flavor notes. It’s subtle but very sippable.
This classic Russian vodka from St. Petersburg is made with locally grown winter wheat. The spirit is then filtered through silver before it’s cut with local well water and bottled.
Bottom Line:
This was a dream to sip. It’s so soft and carries very delicate-yet-nuanced flavors. I can see sipping this on the rocks with a squeeze of lime all day long.
Elyx (pronounced “ee-lix”) is a single-estate vodka made from winter wheat grown only at Råbelöf Castle near Åhus in Sweden. The vodka is mashed and distilled on antique copper gear and is then cut with local well water.
Bottom Line:
This is where things get interesting. This is a deeply flavored vodka that makes perfect sense on the palate. It’s incredibly mixable while also being a great on the rocks or poured into a highball.
This vodka from deep in the Siberian forest was built to celebrate Russia’s sailing team. The juice in the bottle is made from local wheat and cut with Siberian well water before it’s filtered through fresh cotton. The vodka then rests in tanks for 45 days, allowing it to mellow out even more.
Bottom Line:
The moment that oyster liquor note hit my palate, I knew this contest was over. The thing is, that flavor note is set up on the nose with the saline/sea spray vibe and then this vodka delivers on that promise with a fresh, almost cold oyster liquor. It’s delightful and feels natural.
I can’t wait to get some fresh oysters and start shucking while sipping on this bottle of vodka.
Part 3: Final Thoughts
Zach Johnston
This was illuminating. One thing I learned is that price really doesn’t denote the power of the vodka — two of the top three were in the $20 to $30 range. Again, that’s what makes premium vodka such a great category. The fact that you can get really well-made juice for the cost of a cheap bottle of bourbon really counts for something.
I was surprised by the Beluga though. That was like a firecracker going off in my senses. I might have found a new favorite with that one, especially if I’m pairing vodka with seafood.
As a Drizly affiliate, Uproxx may receive a commission pursuant to certain items on this list.
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: the breakfast realm is fast food’s most exciting frontier. It’s where most of the new menu innovations happen and, at some establishments, you can’t even order it after a certain hour — which just adds to the mystique. It makes the breakfast menu seem like it’s being curated for some exclusive club, the early risers and the out all-nighters. There is a whole world out there you probably don’t even know about if you only grab fast food on your lunch break. Did you even know Wendy’s has potato wedges? They’re about 100% better than the French fries but you can only get them at breakfast time. It’s worth taking a morning trek to Wendy’s for those wedges alone.
If you like fast food (or tolerate it because it fits your lifestyle in other ways), we implore you to go at breakfast time. You’ll be stepping into a whole new world.
Where to start? We’ve already broken down the best breakfast sandwiches in the fast food universe, so now we’re hitting the next best option — the decadent culinary wonder that is breakfast burritos. Sausage, eggs, cheese, hashbrowns… As much as we wanted to have a strict set of parameters here, the range is so wide that “don’t taste sh*tty” was really the first bar every highly ranked burrito had to clear. From there it was something of a free for all, with some clear choices head and shoulders above the rest.
Let’s get into it.
10. McDonald’s — Sausage Burrito
McDonald
Calories: 310
The weirdest thing about McDonald’s sausage breakfast burrito — aside from the fact that it’s a burrito from McDonald’s, which just feels wrong — is that this thing actually has its fans. “McDonald’s breakfast burrito is dope,” “You have to give McDonald’s a try!” “McDonald’s breakfast burrito is seriously underrated!” That’s what friends and commenters told me.
They were wrong. This is hands down the worst burrito I’ve ever had in my entire life. You could blindfold me and force me to cook each of the ingredients without sight and I’d be able to make a better burrito than this.
The scrambled egg — dry. The green chiles and onions — bland. The tortilla — obviously microwaved — I mean if they would just throw the chiles and onions on the griddle for a minute that would make a world of difference. The only thing palatable is the pork sausage, and even that is seriously lacking in any discernible flavor. Also, American cheese? In a burrito? GTFO McDonald’s.
The Bottom Line:
You couldn’t find a worse breakfast burrito if you tried.
I’m a huge Wendy’s head and the chain often ranks on the higher end of our fast food rankings, so it’s a bit of a surprise for us to see it ranked so low. Before Popeyes dropped its massively popular sandwich, Wendy’s chicken sandwiches were in the running to be fast food’s best and their burgers are similarly amazing, easily some of the best burgers you can get from a drive-thru. As for breakfast, the aforementioned potato wedges are unforgettable.
Then there is the Sausage Egg & Cheese Burrito. This burrito is so lackluster that it’s not even available at every Wendy’s drive-thru — of the three closest to me, only one carries it.
Like McDonald’s, this burrito is incredibly bland. It desperately needs salsa, which Wendy’s has (it’s bad) but is not always in stock, at least at the Wendy’s I order from. Ordering this thing can be seriously frustrating because it feels so unsupported by Wendy’s. Inside is dry scrambled egg (too much of it), peppery sausage bits, and American cheese, which automatically makes it bad. That’s a line in the sand I just won’t pass — if a burrito has got American cheese in it it’s probably horrible. Wendy’s packs a lot of egg into this one, which makes each bite take forever to chew through, and with the pathetic serving of salsa inside what you’re chewing is mostly egg and stale tortilla.
The Bottom Line
Almost every item on Wendy’s menu is better than this.
For Carl’s Jr, I was a little torn between deciding to include the Loaded Breakfast Burrito, which features sausage, ham, bacon bits, egg, hash browns, cheddar cheese and pico de gallo or the Big Country Breakfast Burrito, which is the same thing but swaps out the pico de gallo for sausage gravy — a nice bit of fast food innovation. Ultimately, I’m decided to include the better of the two (without giving creativity points), which means we’re talking about the Loaded Breakfast Burrito. Regardless, both of these burritos are sadly middling.
The Loaded Burrito’s pico de gallo isn’t great, the tomatoes lack brightness, the onion is too cutting, and the cilantro somehow manages to provide none of the herb’s distinct flavor (the sausage gravy of the Big Country Burrito is somehow even blander and provides a weird and thick consistency that I found to be distracting. Can a flavor be described as wet? That’s what the gravy tastes like). The meat trio in the Loaded Breakfast Burrito is passable, but because Carl’s Jr uses bacon bits instead of strips of bacon, you’ll be left wanting more bacon.
Carl’s Jr.’s tortilla is also pretty bland and powdery, matching the ingredients inside.
The Bottom Line:
Carl’s Jr has some truly amazing breakfast offerings like the Breakfast Burger and the Monster Biscuit. Both of those options will leave you more satisfied than the Loaded Breakfast Burrito.
Beware! Jack in the Box’s Meat Lover’s Burrito is so greasy that your bag will be wet with grease by the time you get from the drive-thru to wherever it is you’re going to scarf this thing down. It’ll also leave a smell in your car that will take a whole day to fully dissipate. Is that why I’ve ranked it so near the bottom? That’s at least half of the reason. It definitely made a negative impression on me.
This thing is just okay. It combines bacon, a chopped-up sausage patty, and ham with scrambled eggs and some cheddar cheese before wrapping it in a microwave-warmed tortilla. On the side, Jack in the Box serves what they are calling fire-roasted salsa. What does that mean? No one roasted any peppers at Jack in the Box before making this sauce, it was probably made in a lab hundreds of miles away from the JiB that’s serving it and includes liquid smoke. Skip it, instead ask for a packet of Frank’s Red Hot sauce, it’ll provide much more heat.
This burrito’s strength is that it has a lot of meat, so if you’re after savory and salty flavors this burrito is definitely for you. I just wish its individual parts were actually notable enough to enjoy. Instead, they all come together in a mix of textures that just gel into a one-note salty meat flavor. Jack in the Box also has what is called the Grande Sausage Burrito which swaps out the shredded cheddar for cheddar cheese sauce, and while I appreciate the inclusion of sriracha in that one, the cheese sauce makes it way too salty.
The Bottom Line:
Greasy and salty as all hell but it’s got the meats! If you’re looking to start your morning off with a fistful of protein, this is your place.
We consistently hate on Burger King in our fast food rankings, so I’m always secretly rooting for them to do something well. I have to say, the Egg-Normous Burrito is actually pretty solid. As its name would suggest, this burrito has a whole lot of egg, but unlike Wendy’s burrito, it also has greasy and crispy hashbrowns, strips of bacon, sausage patties, and melted cheddar cheese. Yes, that’s right, cheddar baby! There might be some American cheese mixed in there as well — because the consistency is a little bit waxy — but the overwhelming flavor is distinctly sharp, as it should be. Burger King also throws a “picante” sauce in there which is ironic because picante means “spicy,” and no palate would find this even remotely spicy. It has no kick to it and tastes mostly of tomato.
The weirdest part of this burrito is BK’s decision to put whole sausage patties inside rather than sausage bits. That makes the form factor of this burrito massive and it truly feels like the sort of breakfast that will make you sleepier than it will give you energy. Which is probably not what you want out of a breakfast burrito (unless you’re waking and baking on the weekend), so we suggest you cut this one in half and eat it with a friend.
The Bottom Line:
Burger King does so many foods badly and here they have a minor hit on their hands that, with a few alterations (smaller sausage, better sauce), might actually be able to be described as delicious. You’re so close, Burger King!
Here we are in the top five and it’s almost like we’ve taken a giant leap ahead in terms of flavor. This is leagues better than Burger King’s Eggnormous burrito, I’d go as far as to call it delicious, but it’s a little bit lacking in a few key areas. The Hash Brown Scramble consists of Chick-fil-A’s fried hash browns (which are really just tater tots) scrambled eggs, Monterey Jack and cheddar cheese, and your choice of either sausage or Chick-fil-A nuggets. I go with the nuggets because, when in Rome! Chick-fil-A has the best nuggets in the game and while I don’t think a chicken nugget is a great burrito filling, I’ll take it.
Let me just take some time to gush about the cheese used here, I love Monterey Jack cheese. It’s a lot more buttery and mild than cheddar, and pairs perfectly with tortilla. The tortilla is another thing Chick-fil-A gets right, it’s gummy and pliable, and not overly powdery and dry. But what holds this burrito back is the salsa, Chick-fil-A just can’t do salsa right. It’s too heavy on the tomato and little else. Pouring it over your burrito adds a weird sour taste that’s pretty off-putting.
The Bottom Line
A delicious fast food breakfast burrito. It’s just missing a great sauce to pair with it.
4. Sonic — Ultimate Meat & Cheese Breakfast Burrito
Sonic
Calories: 840
I rarely like anything from Sonic and the chain often inhabits the low end of our other fast food rankings, but they sure know how to make a delicious and decadent breakfast burrito. Smokey bacon (strips not bits!), tater-tots, peppery savory sausage, and a scrambled egg that puts McDonald’s, Jack in the Box, and Carl’s Jr to shame. Admittedly, the bar is set pretty low which is strange because eggs are the easiest thing to make, so it’s insane how many fast food joints just can’t make a decent scrambled one.
This burrito truly tastes like all the best parts of breakfast — great bacon, good sausage, and the aforementioned fluffy scrambled egg — wrapped in a warm tortilla, which is exactly what you want out of a breakfast burrito. In lieu of a salsa, this one features a cheese sauce which supplies a zesty flavor that is a little heavy on the salt for my liking. I prefer shredded cheese but the cheese sauce makes it so that you don’t have to use Sonic’s horrible packet salsa, so I’ll take it. Everything included in the burrito delivers and the tater tots add a nice crunch and a good serving of carbs which just makes the whole thing taste more hearty.
The Bottom Line:
A great breakfast burrito but if you want to take it to the next level definitely add diced jalapeños, which Sonic does have. Why they weren’t included automatically is a mystery! That’ll supply some of the heat that’s missing from this burrito.
I had a lot of trouble with this one. I really feel like it should be ranked higher. The eggs look and taste like fresh scrambled eggs out of your kitchen, they’re perfectly fluffy but not so cooked to the point that they no longer have any moisture in them. Qdoba’s eggs are a 10/10. The tortilla is also in another class, it’s pliable, with a hint of sweetness, it has a depth and character that almost all of the other burritos on this ranking lack. The salsa is legit fresh salsa, it’s complex with actual lingering heat (I get the salsa verde, but the fiery habanero is also very good). Qdoba also offers guacamole which is always a good idea (avocado slices are even better).
Being fully customizable you also get to choose between potato, chicken, chorizo, or steak (go with chorizo, duh) and a really runny three-cheese queso blend and yet… there is just something incredibly forgettable about this burrito. It doesn’t linger in my mind after I eat it and I can’t ever see myself waking up with a craving for a Qdoba breakfast burrito. It lacks character and the flavors don’t really gel together harmoniously despite each one of them being good and prepared with care. There is a soulless quality to Qdoba that makes their food all so unappetizing to me, and for that reason, I can’t in good faith rank this one any higher than third.
The Bottom Line
Quality ingredients that are well prepared and fully customizable. It just lacks character, which holds it back from truly being great.
2. Taco Bell — Grande Toasted Breakfast Burrito (Steak)
Taco Bell
Calories: 560
This is the highest I’ve ever ranked anything from Taco Bell. My editor is a huge Taco Bell stan, we go back and forth about Taco Bell all the time and while I’m not a fan of the Bell, I understand its appeal. Growing up in the late ’90s and early ’00s Taco Bell was one of the only fast food chains repping Mexican flavors nationwide, but being that I’m Mexican and grew up in southern California, I’ve been surrounded by amazing Mexican food all my life, so I’ve always viewed Taco Bell as its own thing. When you want Mexican food in SoCal you don’t go to Taco Bell, you go to Taco Bell when you want Taco Bell. Which is to say when you’re stoned or when you really want to stretch a dollar.
So while I don’t think Taco Bell does Mexican food well (or at all if you want to really get into it) they do know how to make a damn delicious breakfast burrito, which isn’t even Mexican food to begin with! I get this one with steak, which is admittedly a little chewier than I’d like it to be and lacks that delicious carne asada char, but it gets the job done, it also features a three-cheese blend, eggs, hashbrowns, and tomatoes. The tomatoes are bland and watery but everything else in this burrito is pretty solid. Where it really shines is in the tortilla, which is toasted and provides a nice crisp texture to every bite and brings an added warmth to the fillings that make it feel freshly prepared, even though I know it’s not because this is Taco Bell we’re talking about.
I like to pair this burrito with Taco Bell’s green sauce which really helps to add some spice and earthy notes to this more sparse breakfast burrito. While all of that doesn’t sound like it amounts to a great experience, I’d still rather have one of these than what Qdoba offers. It at least tastes like Taco Bell, so if you’re a fan of the chain it’s safe to assume you’re going to like this too.
The Bottom Line
It’s a solid breakfast burrito with a crispy tortilla that adds a level of uniqueness to it that the other burritos lack. The flavors won’t blow you away but it’s almost guaranteed to not disappoint so long as you’re already a fan of Taco Bell to begin with.
As I mentioned earlier, I live in Southern California which means I’m not just spoiled with amazing Mexican food, but there are also more great breakfast burrito spots throughout the city of Los Angeles than I can ever count or actually eat at. If I want a breakfast burrito, I’m not going to lie, I’m going to go to a place that isn’t a chain but if I’m out of my neighborhood and I feel like a breakfast burrito and don’t want to take a chance, I’ll turn to Del Taco every time, it’s the only chain that makes something that comes close to a greasy spoon breakfast burrito.
The Epic Scrambler Burrito, which is available in your choice of bacon or carne asada (I get carne asada) is on a whole other level that Taco Bell isn’t operating on. The scrambled eggs are decent, they’re not quite as good as Qdobas, but Del Taco’s hashbrowns have a great texture without tasting overly salted, the carne asada actually has a delicious grilled char to it that is sorely missing in almost every other option. The pico de gallo offers a lot of character and complexity, striking that perfect balance between bright and bitey onion, juicy acidic tomatoes, and peppery cilantro. Is it as good as homemade pico de gallo? No, but it at least tastes like someone in Del Taco made it and it didn’t come pre-mixed. The freshly grated cheddar cheese is nutty with a subtly sharp and salty flavor and melts perfectly, leaving every bite with a gooey trail of cheese. I always ask for extra cheese on this one.
It’s also perfectly wrapped, unlike a lot of the other burritos on this list (namely the Egg-enormous), I don’t feel the need to constantly readjust this burrito to keep it from falling apart between bites. Tieing all these flavors together is a red salsa that brings some zest but not nearly enough heat. It’s nothing a few packets of Del Scorcho sauce can’t remedy though.
The Bottom Line
The closest thing you’re going to find in the fast-food landscape to a greasy spoon or food truck-made breakfast burrito. Every ingredient in this burrito is in its proper place.
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Meidas Mighty Jeremy
(@AUkeibro) August 22, 2021
