Earlier this week, Amazon introduced the world to Astro, its very first household robot, which the company described as “a new and different kind of robot” that “brings together new advancements in artificial intelligence, computer vision, sensor technology, and voice and edge computing in a package that’s designed to be helpful and convenient.” But if you’re hoping Astro will also suck your c*%#, well, The Daily Show correspondent Michael Kosta has got some bad news.
In his latest edition of “Konsumer Reports,” Kosta made it clear that the robot is super cool and can do all sorts of useful things. But it’s definitely not a sex robot, which Kosta understandably finds kind of annoying. Or, as he puts it: “It’s like an Alexa on wheels that you cannot have sex with.”
Which isn’t to say that Kosta wasn’t impressed with some of the cute little robot’s cutting-edge features, like its screen, which he describes as “reminiscent of the Amazon Echo Show 10. When we’re not using the screen to watch movies or make video calls, Astro has a cute little face, but no mouth. Which means oral is completely off the table.”
So what else can Astro do—or, more accurately, not do?
You can use it to surf the web, take pictures, [and] FaceTime grandma. But, if you were hoping to pork its charging hole, you gotta think again. Astro is battery-operated and conveniently takes itself to a charging dock when it’s low on battery. Clever little minx, isn’t it?
Arguably the coolest feature is Astro’s mobility. It’s equipped with three wheels which, hypothetically, could run over your penis, though I haven’t tried that yet.
Astro, no surprise, has artificial intelligence. It can tell you what the weather is and schedule appointments for you. But, like most AI on the market, it does struggle with more complex commands. For example, when I said, ‘Astro, tickle my balls,’ it didn’t know what I meant. And even worse, when I said ‘Astro, make me your toilet,’ it ordered me a bidet on Amazon. That’s disappointing.
Still, there’s always hope with that three-wheel thing. You can watch Kosta’s full review above.