Pandas aren’t real. They can’t be. There’s no way this big, bumbly black-and-white bear that somersaults down hills and noshes on bamboo all day long actually exists.
Have you ever seen any other animal on Earth that looks remotely like a panda? No, you haven’t. Why? Because they’re not real. No animal could be that adorable and hilarious and stuffed-animal-like in real life.
I kid, of course. Kind of. Pandas are just the cutest goofballs in nature. They barely look real when you just see them in still shots, but when you see them in action, it’s just silly shenanigan after silly shenanigan.
I mean, look at this:
Wondering how does this species survive in the wild..pic.twitter.com/p64xFrh08b
Seriously, how do these creatures survive in the wild?
There are some hilarious theories. Twitter user “Art McFall” shares the idea that they simply aren’t real. “They’re actors in suits, originally created as a prank for a World’s Fair in 1908,” they wrote. “It’s got out of hand and now the Chinese government run a school where 1,000 panda artists train and are then sent around the world as covert animal ambassadors for China.”
They’re not real animals. They’re actors in suits, originally created as a prank for a World’s Fair in 1908, it’s got out of hand and now the Chinese Government run a school where 1,000 panda artists train and are then sent around the world as covert animal ambassadors for China.
Okay, but if you go back and watch those videos again picturing people in panda suits, it doesn’t seem too far-fetched.
Some shared a theory that they’re basically stoned all the time—that the bamboo they eat has some kind of effect on their energy. (Pandas are mostly vegetarian, with almost all of their diet coming from bamboo. It doesn’t give them food poisoning as is posited below, and in fact digests almost like meat for them. But it does take a really long time to eat enough of it to sustain their huge bods, so they spend a lot of time sitting around looking like they’ve got the munchies.)
They arent supposed to est bamboo, they are built to est meat just as any normal bear, but for some reason they just eat bamboo, it makes them letargic because they are literally dealing with food poisoning on a daily basis
Did you know that pandas will sometimes climb trees backwards, hind feet first, until they’re in a full handstand so they can whizz higher up on the tree to mark their scent? Yup. (They also poo up to 40 times a day. So no, you really don’t want a pet panda. Sorry.)
Scientists aren’t totally sure why they’re black-and-white. Could be camouflage, especially in the snowy areas of China where they live, but they don’t really have a need for camo since they have very few natural predators.
(Take note, humans: If we could maybe stop killing each other for two seconds, we too could live a silly life full of carefree fun like pandas do.)
This description was my favorite, though:
“Dis iz a bear. She lives on da mountains, this is how they have evolved to travel. They are floooooof and they are sof and warms. They have no dangers but humans. They are peace and love and bamboo. Save da bears.”
Floooooof!
They are also known to “play” with their cubs like “toys” but always gentle. They mastered Newton’s 3 laws of motion centuries before he was born. If a bear starts rolling fast enough it can orbit the earth. I am bear.
So yeah, pandas are real. And if you want to know the answer to the original question, they survive in the wild by being not nearly as playful as they are in captivity. Thankfully, giant pandas are no longer listed as endangered thanks to conservation efforts in China and around the globe. Let’s keep up that energy so we can keep these marvelous creatures thriving both in the wild and in captivity when they can’t be released.
Trader Joe’s has a lot of cookies. More than a place that is widely assumed to be some sort of health food store but in reality is just a regular market should have. There are more sweet cookies at Trader Joe’s than you can probably eat in a lifetime… unless you went to TJ’s specifically to buy every cookie you could find.
Which is exactly what I did for this ranking of the best cookies sold at Trader Joe’s in 2022.
Now in truth, I’m not entirely sure this is every Trader Joe’s cookie, because for some reason TJ’s doesn’t keep all of their cookies in one single place, instead they have them scattered around all over the store. With the fresh baked goods, with the frozen foods, near some pasta, above a case of butter, seriously, walking around Trader Joe’s looking for every cookie was like being in Supermarket Sweep, a reference that perhaps only resonates with people over the age of 65.
In my search, I came upon 12 different cookies, from the famous Cookie Butter and Ginger Snaps to oddities like Maple Leaf Cookies and French crepe cookies. So let’s rank them all and separate the good from the trash so that you don’t end up carving into your market budget for a big box of wasted calories and false promises.
12. Half Moon Cookies
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
I want these to be good because I look at them, they’re adorable, they’ve got a cool name, and they smell like delicious chocolate fudge. Unfortunately, they fail to deliver in the flavor department. In the 77th episode of Seinfeld, Jerry eats a black and white cookie that upsets his stomach and ends a 14-year streak of no vomiting… this is that cookie and after tasting it, it’s easy to see why it broke Jerry’s streak.
First, there is the icing. It’s too thick and hardened like a shell. It takes a lot of effort to actually chew through it, and most of the icing ends up stuck in your teeth as you chew through the soft short-bread-like texture.
The Bottom Line:
Too sweet, too soft, and too much thick candy frosting. Great smell though, if this was a ranking of the best smelling cookies, this would definitely be up there.
11. Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies With Walnuts
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
Trader Joe’s vegan chocolate chip cookies are pretty damn fragrant. Notes of brown sugar, chocolate, and toasted walnuts waft from the bag as soon as you tear the pack open, but the flavor just doesn’t deliver. This cookie is somehow soft and grainy at the same time, it has the pliability of a soft-baked cookie but crumbles in your mouth while you eat it. It also has this dull, plant-y after taste.
The Bottom Line:
Bland and boring, with a weird dull after taste.
10. Maple Leaf Cookies
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
If you’ve ever eaten a cookie and wished it was a pancake, then I guess the Maple Leaf Cookies were tailor-made for you. I don’t know why this needs to be a cookie, but it is, and you know what? I kind of like it. The cookies smell and taste exactly like a stack of pancakes. They’re buttery, with strong notes of maple and cinnamon flavors, but unlike pancakes, they have a crunchy and creamy mouthfeel.
The only thing is, they’re incredibly overwhelming. For the first few bites of this cookie, it was a great experience, but about halfway through I didn’t want to eat it anymore as the sweet flavors became overwhelming and kind of nauseating. Eating this cookie is like being on certain roller coasters, the first drop is fun but after it spins you around you start feeling sick to your stomach.
The Bottom Line:
A cookie worth trying, but not worth buying.
9. Chocolate Hazelnut Cookies
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
I never thought I’d say a cookie has “too much hazelnut,” but uh, this cookie has way too much damn hazelnut. I know that sounds like it can’t possibly be a bad thing, but in this cookie it’s distracting. The cookie texture is similar to shortbread, but instead of tasting buttery and light, this cookie has an oily mouthfeel and a waxy nutty flavor that, and I know this sounds weird, kind of tastes like what a candle smells like.
Frankly, it tastes cheap. I know that’s disappointing because this is such a great concept for a cookie, f*cking up chocolate hazelnut is like fucking up chocolate chip. Oh wait, Trader Joe’s kind of did that too… (see number 9).
The Bottom Line:
Too much hazelnut, just trust us.
8. Aussie-style Chocolate Creme Sandwich Cookies
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
This cookie comes 11 to a box, which begs the question: Is that an Australian thing? Well, whatever is going on Down Under, they’re doing it right because this cookie is delicious. Sweet milk chocolate creme is sandwiched between two hard chocolate cookies, giving you a chocolate-on-chocolate flavor that’ll satisfy fans of chocolate-chocolate chip cookies and double chocolate chunk muffins.
The Bottom Line:
If you’re all about chocolate cookies, this cookie doubles down.
7. French Chocolate Crepe Wafer Cookies
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
I’m not sure this should even be considered a cookie, it’s so thin that it’s crispy. Biting into it shatters the ‘cookie’ into millions of shards of delicious chocolate. Rather than being a solid cookie, this wafer is made up of rolls of very thin ribbons of sugary chocolate. It’s maybe the most interesting cookie I’ve ever eaten, but ranking it any higher than this feels wrong.
This isn’t the sort of cookie you eat when you want to snack out, instead, it’s the only one we’d suggest pairing with a glass of red wine.
The Bottom Line:
It’s neither a cookie nor a wafer, but it’s delicious so who cares? It’s the only cookie that calls for a glass of wine, which isn’t ever a thing we’d thought we needed until now.
6. Crispy Crunchy Chocolate Chip Cookies
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
Be careful with these things, they’re thin, crispy, and so unsatisfying that you’ll never feel like you have enough, which will cause you to eat more. First, you’ll say to yourself “I’ll have four, but they’re small, so it’s like having two real cookies.” Then a few minutes later you’ll repeat the process and before you know it you’ll have eaten 20 chocolate chip cookies in a single hour. Then you’ll start having crazier thoughts like, “what if I just poured a bunch in a bowl with milk and ate it like cereal?”
Trader Joe’s is fully aware of how fun these are to eat, that’s why they come in this tall plastic container. As a cookie itself, it’s not even the best chocolate chip cookie, but it tastes exactly as good as it needs to in order to be addicting.
The Bottom Line:
They aren’t the best chocolate chip cookies you’ll ever eat, but you’ll never want to stop eating them.
5. Coconut Macaroons
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
I’m a sucker for macaroons, so even if these were garbage, I’d still probably rank them highly. They’re not garbage though, but I’ll say this: if you have a panaderia in your neighborhood or a bakery that makes these, buy them there, they’ll be way moister, fluffier, and fresher than these, but if you don’t have access to those things, definitely don’t hesitate to pick these up.
They’re delicious, sweetened coconut flavors mingle with vanilla coupled with a spongy texture that is a pleasure to chew through. It’s like the middle ground between a cake and a cookie. Trader Joe’s are a bit drier than the fresh-baked variety, but for a market macaroon, they’re pretty damn solid.
The Bottom Line
Delicious fluffy coconut flavors with a toasted exterior.
4. Triple Ginger Snaps
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
It’s impossible to get tired of eating Trader Joe’s Triple Ginger Snaps, they’re incredibly addicting and have one of the more unique flavor profiles in the world of cookies. The big draw here is that Trader Joe’s uses actual chunks of ginger in each cookie, infusing this cinnamon forward cookie with spicy sweetened ginger notes that buzz on the palate. You can’t call a lot of cookies refreshing, but there is something refreshing and palate-cleansing about the Triple Ginger Snap, it’s like eating an Andes mint at the end of a meal.
The Bottom Line
Spicy, sweet, and refreshing. What other cookie gives you that?
3. Joe Joe’s Sandwich Cookies
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
The only thing not to like about this cookie is that it’s so good it can be overwhelming. Let me break it down to you in the simplest way: the Joe Joe is basically a Reese’s peanut butter cookie mixed with an Oreo. I mean, need we say more? You have that distinct crunchy sweet dark chocolate cookie encased in ribbons of milk chocolate and peanut butter, few cookies offer a better experience than that.
But it’s too powerful. Getting through a single Joe Joe is like eating an Oreo and a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup in succession, and as they stand, those are two overwhelming snacks to begin with. Eating a single Joe Joe will satisfy you enough for an entire day, which means an open pack will go bad before you can even get through it all.
The Bottom Line
So good that its extreme decadence holds it back from being the best.
2. Cookie Butter Cookies
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
God damn this cookie is good. It sandwiches butter creme between what are essentially two thin shortbread cookies, giving you a baked butter on creamy butter flavor that tastes like the best cake batter you’ve ever eaten. It’s soft, fluffy, sweet, buttery, it sounds overwhelming, and it is… but in the best way possible. This is the sort of cookie you bite into and immediately realize it isn’t something you should be eating on a regular basis, and then you will immediately reach for another.
It’s addicting, even if you aren’t crazy about butter, but the box is total false advertisement. The cookies don’t actually contain a thick layer of butter creme, as you can see in the above picture the cookies are much more pressed together and the creme is used sparingly. We’re not sure we could handle it if it actually looked like it does on the box — it would be too rich.
The Bottom Line
If you love shortbread cookies, this will blow your mind. It somehow elevates that perfect cookie by adding a creamy sensation to the baked butter flavor.
1. Dark Chocolate Chunk and Almond Cookies
Dane Rivera
The Cookie:
The only reason the Cookie Butter Cookie didn’t rank number one is that I’m all about the hard cookie. I think there are two types of cookie eaters, the kind that prefer the soft chew, and us more refined people who know that hard cookies are the way to go. I love everything about this cookie, it’s hard and crunchy, thanks to the inclusion of crushed almonds, with semi-sweet dark chocolate chunks embedded throughout. It has a toasty and deep earthy chocolate-forward flavor with some notes of cinnamon, coffee, and a nutty almond finish.
It’s sweet but never overwhelming, and the way the dark chocolate and almond flavors mingle are interesting, they manage to bring forward the stone fruit flavors connected to both almond and cacao. It might not be as decadent and consistent as the Cookie Butter Cookie, but if you like a balance and sweet and natural flavors, you’re not going to find a better cookie at Trader Joe’s.
The Bottom Line
If you’re a fan of hard cookies, this is by far the best Trader Joe’s cookie your money will buy. If you’re all about that soft chew, go with our number two pick.
Twitch’s “Fairy Modmother” has been around for almost a year now, first showing up in April of 2021 to help brighten up streamers’ days with some gift subs and bits. A campaign followed in June when they were again donating subs and bits to streamers to help celebrate LGBTQ+ Pride. But, the biggest wave of gifts from the Fairy Modmother was yet to come, sweeping across Twitch as they gave away hundreds, if not thousands of dollars worth of bits while spreading some general, “non-denominational holiday cheer” in the chat.
The reactions from the streamers have been varied but consistently filled with joy and, of course, surprise. A quick search of “fairy modmother” on Twitter will show you what we’re talking about.
Tom DesLongchamp, the multi-disciplined artist (seriously, check out his work), animator, and voice of the Fairy Modmother (as well as a streamer in his own right) tells Uproxx that, in a rare turn of events, Twitch came to him with the initial idea for this character. DesLongchamp originally had a slew of designs, all incredibly detailed and meticulously thought-out but, as he tells us, those first ideas were a little all over the place. “I tried making them different animals — making them human was really weird.” Jessica Phoenix, DesLongchamp’s wife, is an illustrator herself and suggested making the character into a sort of bean. “The original sketch of Fairy Modmother had a sort-of cowboy hat and cowboy boots, so they asked that the boots be rollerskates, and I changed the hat to a headset,” he adds while reflecting on the several small pieces that come together to create the character’s look.
DesLongchamp uses his own voice in all videos the Modmother appears in, but finds it to be a fun challenge to get into the character. He also likes that it seems “a little odd” for his voice to come from the Fairy Modmother. And he loves seeing videos of streamers getting visited by Fairy Modmother and their reactions. “It makes me happy,” he says. “It’s thrilling to make work that meets people in this way.”
It’s clear that a lot of careful thought went into what the Fairy Modmother would mean to streamers, viewers, and the Twitch community as a whole.
“We wanted an entity that represented giving, kindness and surprise,” Mary Kish, Director of Community Marketing at Twitch tells us, adding, “Truly, a Fairy Godmother is all these things. A bit of wordplay and you got yourself a Fairy Modmother.”Kish is one member of the team responsible for the creation of this program
From the beginning, the Fairy Modmother was about giving back to the community of streamers that provide the endless amount of content that is live-streamed and stored on the site. As Kish puts it, “When a streamer goes live, they are creating entertainment and a safe place for viewers to sit back, relax and enjoy. That deserves recognition always and we wanted to find an extra special way of acknowledging this from Twitch.” At the same time, Kish tells us that they wanted the effort to feel unique to the platform. And to do that, they needed an artist of unique talents.
“We knew we wanted a creator on Twitch to play the role, and Tom (DesLongchamp)’s stream provided the perfect inspiration. He’s incredibly talented and his animations gave us limitless opportunities and imagination with the character,” says Kish. “If we wanted them to fly, they could fly, if they manifested kittens made out of bits, fabulous. The sky’s the limit. Tom was amazing to create with […] We ended with a roller skate-wearing, bean-shaped, winged fairy with a heart of gold. No regrets.”
All of this joy and goodwill didn’t mean that this project wasn’t without its roadblocks. “The Fairy Modmother was actually timed out a few times!,” Kish tells us when discussing early challenges around setting up the giveaway and winning the trust of suspicious streamers. “One of the ways we combatted this was to ensure that if someone clicks through the homepage of the Fairy Modmother, it can be confirmed that they are indeed a legit Twitch character,” Kish says.
Despite a few bumps along the way, everyone seems to be united in satisfaction over the reception the Modmother has had since their launch, especially for the ways that it has largely been used to give back to often-underlooked communities. “It has been an absolute joy. I have seen creators cry, sing songs, give their dogs treats, and dance in happiness because of this character,” Kish says. “We wanted to create a character who does something positive, no strings attached, just a simple way to say ‘Thank you’.”
Mission accomplished — the streaming community has no doubt heard of the Fairy Modmother and what they’re doing to spread cheer and positivity to the Twitch streamers that have already gotten a Modmother visit of their own. But what about the future? When we asked, Kish told us, “The Fairy Modmother should be hanging around some creators in the Sports Category pretty soon! We don’t always tweet their visits, sometimes a Modmother just appears for the greater good and leaves! They have also been known to visit creators sometimes on their partner anniversaries and birthdays! Just for fun!” Be sure to keep an eye on the Sports category in the near future to potentially see some of the Modmother’s magic in action for yourself someday soon.
You just knew that when the Red Hot Chili Peppers came back with their first album in six years that everything about it had to be massive. When Unlimited Love comes out on April 1st, it’ll mark the return of both guitarist John Frusciante and producer Rick Rubin, after both being away from the band for over a decade. Their accompanying album tour (in stadiums, of course) kicks off in June will feature an insane list of supporting acts in Anderson .Paak & The Free Nationals, ASAP Rocky, Beck, Haim, King Princess, St. Vincent, The Strokes, and Thundercat. Now, their new single “Poster Child” sees the band at their absolute funkiest.
Flea’s bass groove runs a parallel wavelength alongside Frusciante’s guitar licks as Anthony Kiedis is his usual tongue-twisting self, singing “I thought I won the lottery, the numbers never thought of me. Ramones had a lobotomy, so spin me like a pottery.” The song brims with an oceanic breeze, ready for a drop top ride down the Pacific Coast Highway. It follows the previously released lead single “Black Summer” and comes along with a trippy animated video that the band debuted on their Facebook page.
Listen to “Poster Child” above.
Unlimited Love is out 4/1 via Warner. Pre-order it here.
Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
Former co-host of The View turned Daily Mail columnist Meghan McCain began trending on social media this week as people rushed to roast the conservative commentator for a questionable remark. Yes, again. This time, it was regarding a tweet in which McCain took issue with a report from The Hill that the White House is considering sending Vice President Kamala Harris to Poland as a show of solidarity during the Russian invasion of Ukraine. According to a source, “The vice president has a smaller footprint and is historically more nimble.”
McCain, who has repeatedly criticized Harris in the past, was not a fan of the move. “Please for the love of God, send a serious person instead,” McCain tweeted.
McCain’s attack on Harris did not go over well on Twitter, where she was still trending on Friday afternoon as people questioned McCain’s political experience… as well as fitting in a few jabs about her wild hairstyles during her last season on The View.
Meghan McCain does not want Kamala Harris sent to Bucharest and Warsaw because she doesn’t think Kamala Harris is a “serious person.” pic.twitter.com/mRw6zAERGP
Kamala Harris has served as the DA for the city of San Francisco, the Attorney General of the state of California, as a United States Senator and she is the first woman to be sworn in as the Vice President of the United States of America.
I’ll say it again, Meghan McCain is TRIGGERED by Kamala Harris and her black excellence…check her resume boo. You could touch the road with your nepotism. https://t.co/4z38F7efzJ
It also didn’t take long for people to start pointing out the GOP elephant in the room. Namely, that her father, John McCain, chose Sarah Palin as his vice presidential candidate in 2008, and well, Palin has never exactly been known for keen intellect. Not to mention the fact that she had been the governor of Alaska for barely two years and actually quit before her term was over.
So, you know, glass houses, throwing stones, etc.
The irony of Meghan McCain questioning someone’s qualifications to be Vice President should not be lost on anyone pic.twitter.com/cXzHgWGUJO
Meghan McCain should be the LAST person to talk about a “serious person” when her father chose Sarah Palin to be his running for Vice President with VERY LIMITED gov’t experience and intelligence. This is a whole entire racist dog whistle. Not surprising at all. https://t.co/EtehLVagod
— The Chanteezy For Real (@iamchanteezy) March 4, 2022
Interesting that Meghan McCain is concerned about VP Kamala Harris, a lawyer, yet had total faith in Sarah Palin. I guess Republicans are built different pic.twitter.com/L443yrw3C0
“Ok Google, who did Meghan McCain’s father pick as his potential Vice Preside… Oh… Oh my, seriously? The ‘could see Russia from her house lady?’ That one?” pic.twitter.com/skHP0cHlgy
Thank goodness because FX’s Atlanta is finally on the brink of returning after a four-year hiatus. That means that we’ll soon see Donald Glover’s brainchild bring its unique brand of surreal back to the small screen. The fourth season’s trailer gets intense, given that the core four — Earn (Donald Glover), Darius (LaKeith Stanfield), and Van (Zazie Beetz) — are maneuvering through unfriendly surroundings during a European tour. This has included some real-life mirroring with the cast experiencing racial profiling while abroad, although that’s something that they took in stride.
Hopefully, we’ll see Nutella sandwich man appear out of the blue, but the question on a lot of people’s minds is this: Why did the show have such a long break after Season 2 debuted on March 1, 2018?
It’s easy to chalk much of the delay up to the pandemic, and yep, that’s definitely something that slowed down production for nearly every show out there, but one must recall that we were still waiting on Season 3 arrival news back in January 2020. That’s when FX chief John Landgraf revealed that we’d see two more seasons of the show, and at the time, the plan was for 18 episodes to arrive with Season 3.
As for why it took nearly two years for that update, well, one can only chalk that up to Donald Glover being so in-demand, given his Star Wars detour and, of course, his musical career. Likewise, Lakeith Stanfield, Zazie Beetz, and Brian Tyree Henry have all been keeping quite busy as well, and it’s just damn hard to get in-demand stars in one place for an extended period of time. Yet they did it, and soon enough, we’ll reap those benefits.
Band Of Horses are having a big year so far. They’ve unveiled Things Are Great today, their first album in six years that was announced in October and had been penned almost entirely before the pandemic even began. After being delayed from January to March due to vinyl factory issues that have been affecting lots of indie bands, the record is finally out now with plenty of acclaim. The lead single that came with the initial announcement last fall was the hopeful, jangly “Crutch,” and last night they brought it to The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon to celebrate the unveiling of Things Are Great.
Previously, Ben Bridwell said that the song “[started] with something from my real life. Obviously ‘Crutch’ means some of the things that I was dependent on. My relationship for one. I think I wanted to say, ‘I’ve got a crush on you,’ and I thought it was funny how relationships also feel like crutches. I feel like everybody has had a time when nothing goes right and you still have to carry on. I think that feeling hits you in this song even if you don’t know what the specifics are.”
The world of American soccer broadcasting delivered some big news earlier this week when Turner Sports and the U.S. Soccer Federation announced a partnership to bring USMNT and USWNT games to the network. According to a release, the agreement “will make TNT/TBS and HBO Max the exclusive English-language home to more than 20 Women’s and Men’s National Team matches each year” starting in 2023.
It’s not Turner’s first foray into footy — the broadcaster previously was home to the Champions League — but this is an opportunity for them to showcase the teams ahead of a number of huge international tournaments. And to celebrate, the network’s most prominent group of sports broadcasters, the Inside the NBA guys, were all given jerseys during Thursday night’s slate of games.
Charles Barkley, in particular, was excited to get his hands on a U.S. Soccer jersey, although it comes with a catch: he wants everyone to understand this is a USWNT shirt with his name on it.
“I just wanna make this perfectly clear: this is a women’s jersey,” Barkley said. “Cause the American men team sucks. They do, they do. Shout out to the women for finally getting equal pay. So, I’m glad to be wearing this female jersey, cause the men suck. The men gotta do better, man. The men gotta do better. We’re the United States of America, we should not be bad at any sport.”
The American women are, of course, the most decorated team in the sport, winning four World Cups and producing a number of the best players to ever step on the pitch — as of this writing, the women are the top team in the world per FIFA’s rankings. As for the men, while they are a decent side, they certainly are not as dominant on the world stage as the women. The team infamously missed the World Cup in 2018, and while they are currently ranked 13th in the world by FIFA, they have yet to secure a spot in the 2022 World Cup.
The good news for the men is that it’s more likely they make it than they don’t, as they currently sit in second place in CONCACAF World Cup Qualifying and should be able to secure at least fourth place and a spot in an inter-confederation playoff game against a team from Oceania that they’d be favored to beat. The bad news is that, uh, well, it was more likely than not that they’d make it enter the final qualifying window in 2018, too, and weird things can happen in those sorts of environments. And besides, even if they do make it to the World Cup, it seems like they still have a long way to go before they earn Barkley’s respect.
If the coming vibe shift brings us into a period where indie sleaze rules supreme, Charli XCX stands to take the throne at the top of the pops, finally. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect from someone who cites their formative influences as Britney Spears and the Ed Banger Records, with a special nod to French singer/rapper/D.J. Uffie. Her penchant for classic ’00s pop star costumes and living life in the club was never the aesthetic with which Millennials, with their sober curious lives and plant parent memes, could get down. It seems like she was made for the days when bands’ fans discovered their new favorite artist on Makeoutclub, and parties only got started at 2 a.m.
Charli has long invited people into her world when they click, choosing left-of-center personalities and women the pop industrial complex doesn’t seem to know what to do with. There’s one constant in Charli’s career, however: collaborations. Specifically with women, many of whom could be classified as difficult, unlikable, or simply subversive of the male gaze.
Those collaborations started from a place of “girl power” inspired feminism. Her first major hit came courtesy of a feature on Icona Pop’s 2012 interpretation of her song, “I Love It.” It was a hit on the internet, which meant something totally different then, that got a lift in 2013 when Girls featured the song in a debaucherous club scene. Charli would later say she didn’t even know what she meant by the lyrics to the song, which, everyone knows, is the hallmark of a great Euro-pop dance hit. And that she didn’t feel as if it were hers because she was excluded from the promotion and touring around the single when it took off.
Her profile only grew when “Fancy,” a co-write in which she wrote and sang the hook alongside Iggy Azalea, became 2014’s song of the summer. The track was criticized as another feminist anthem and a homage to materialism and white women’s bougieness. This doubleheader set her up to reach pop stardom, but she opted to venture down a path of subversiveness that kept her authentically grounded in producing the kind of music she wanted to make. Now, on the precipice of releasing her final album with Atlantic Records, Charli faces criticism for singles that her fans deem too mainstream. One of which, “Beg for You,” is a collaboration with Rina Sawayma. Charli told EW the song is an “interpolation” of the kind of song a pop star would make with a major label — specifically a song recorded by Swedish pop singer September (whose real name is Petra Maryland) from 2007. Besides being a fascinating piece of Swedish pop production from a bygone pop era, the song was a meme on Twitter in 2018 — bringing it back into the internet and perhaps to Charli’s attention.
But circa 2014, Charli was going through something of an identity crisis. Her 2013 album, True Romance, was critically lauded but commercially under-performed. On 2014’s Sucker, Charli seemed to reach for mainstream pop stardom, landing only one charting song: the sappy but enjoyable “Boom Clap.” “The music I’ve been writing recently, it’s definitely some of the most pop stuff I’ve ever written,” Charli told the LA Times in a 2014 interview. “But it’s not coming from a totally innocent, naive mind. It’s coming from someone who’s very aware.” The awareness she references is to her place in the music industry.
From the 2016 Vroom Vroom EP on, Charli began associating with producers from the PC Music Collective and building up a stable of women she collaborated with. There is a clear trend among the singers: pop’s eccentrics, many of whom also eschewed making obvious hits to explore their creative paths. 2017’s Pop 2 opens with a track featuring Carly Rae Jepsen, whose 2012 phenomenon “Call Me Maybe” and pivot away from pop princess stardom echoes Charli’s search for musical authenticity. There are songs with Caroline Polachek, the former Chairlift singer who shed her indie-pop roots to explore a PC Music pop-art path of her own. Sky Ferreira, another artist who was pushed towards a traditional approach and opted to make her own kind of music, shows up. Charli’s admiration for all things Scandinavian comes through in collaborations with Tove Lo, ALMA, and MØ. Christine And The Queens (aka Héloïse Adélaïde Letissier) appears more than a few times; an artist who has a huge European audience but is too complicated for the top of the pops. Rita Ora, Brooke Candy, Kim Petras, and CupcakKe are also repeat collaborators and artists classified as difficult women; they’re frequently the targets of internet hate, misconceptions, and all the insults usually hurled at ambitious women. And that’s only to name a few.
Under the auspices of her label, Vroom Vroom Records, the first artist Charli signed was CuckooLander, the project of her touring bassist. In 2019, she signed Nasty Cherry, an all-girl band she put together and created a Netflix series around. “My vision is that they become the biggest band in the world, a band I would have wanted to listen to and have been inspired by when I was 15,” Charli told Rolling Stone.
That’s not even to mention two of Charli’s most prolific partnerships. One was with SOPHIE, the PC Music producer whose influence loomed large on Charli’s work until she died in 2021. “There are very few artists who make me feel something up my core and make me wanna cry,” Charli told Vogue in 2019. “Justice and Uffie made me feel something when I was 14, and I didn’t really have that feeling again until I met SOPHIE. I felt this rush of: F*ck, this is the coolest sh*t I have ever heard.” The other is with Noonie Boo, a Swedish songwriter and producer who has co-written numerous songs with Charli, among multiple other left-of-center (and a few front and center) pop acts. “There are a lot of songwriters out there who, even though they’re extremely talented, they are sometimes very keen on pushing their own agenda,” Charli said in a 2020 interview with Red Bull. “[…] I’ve definitely been in rooms where I experimented with new songwriters, and I can’t get a word in edgewise. You know how much I talk, and that’s really hard for me […] Noonie is somebody who is so supportive of the artist’s vision.”
Their collaboration brings us to the Crash era, Charli’s latest — Boa co-wrote the single “New Shapes,” which features Christine And The Queens and Caroline Polachek. Like many songs Charli has teased from the album, it is about sex — inspired by her long-term relationship — and steps away from the futuristic, challenging pop of her past in favor of embracing something more easily digestible.
Charli’s ultimate pop era seems to maximize everything: her exploration of art, her profile, and the profiles of the women around her, which was probably her endgame all along.
Crash is out 3/18 via Atlantic. Pre-order it here.
Charli XCX is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
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