Month: March 2022

One of the funniest and most bizarre things about being a human being is that we really know very little about what’s going on. Sure, many religious people are confident they know why we exist, where we came from and what happens after we die, but there isn’t a whole lot of evidence to suggest they’re correct.

However, even though we are at the center of an incredible mystery, most people are happy to go about their days without worrying about the basic nature of our existence. This has always been very strange to me. Why isn’t the nature of existence the No. 1 question on everyone’s mind the moment they wake up?

There is one thing we do know for sure: that we are all going to die one day. Some people believe that once we flatline we may get invited to heaven where we get to spend all eternity playing the harp, reuniting with old friends and relatives, and enjoying a pain-free, joyous existence.

But as the TV show “The Good Place” suggests, living a perfect life, free of suffering or challenges, eventually becomes pretty forking boring and pointless.

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Mark Twain said it best in “Letters from the Earth”:

His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word, it has not a single feature in it that he actually values. It consists—utterly and entirely—of diversions which he cares next to nothing about, here in the earth, yet is quite sure he will like them in heaven. Isn’t it curious? Isn’t it interesting?

Many also believe that if there’s a heaven, there’s also hell where the folks who had a good time on Earth wind up. But wouldn’t that get boring, too? Just as one can get accustomed to living in constant beauty, one probably gets acclimated to the heat and suffering down below.

There are also some who believe in reincarnation, so every time we die we are born again as a different species. Cool if you’re a dolphin, bad news if you’re a dung beetle.

Then there are those who believe that nothing supernatural happens. Your consciousness shuts off and things are a lot like before you were born—absolute nothingness. That’s the least interesting option, but according to science, the most likely.

Reddit user throwawayacctlmaooo wanted to find out what posters on the forum thought about life after death, so they asked, “What do you legitimately believe happens after we die?” They received a ton of responses that were outside of the usual “go to heaven/go to hell” variety. What’s cool is that the posts show that a lot of people have widely divergent ideas about what happens after we die.

Here are some of the best responses to the biggest question in life.

1. You’re a wave

“No idea, but there is this quote from the TV show ‘The Good Place’ that I really like and have found comfort in.

“‘Picture a wave. In the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through. And it’s there. And you can see it, you know what it is. It’s a wave.

“And then it crashes in the shore and it’s gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while. You know it’s one conception of death for Buddhists: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it’s supposed to be.'” — AlexEventstar

2. Our energy moves on

“Our energy — just like that of every living thing before us — will go on and become new things. Soil. Plants. Lions. Toilet paper. Space ship wheel arches. Dragonfly toes. We’re all just part of the same system. Neither manufactured nor destroyed. We’re just transferring that bestowed upon us from all those before. Death is life.” — four__beasts

3. You’ve been there before

“Just like before you were born. Not good, not bad, just non-existence.” — SniffCheck

4. No need to fear

​”In the great words of Mark Twain: ‘I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” — Eva__Unit__02

5. One more time

“When I think about it, I come to this very same conclusion. And that terrifies me. The only thing that is a little comforting for me is that, according to some research and according to some people who have experienced Near Death, just before full-on ‘nothingness,” you relive your life one last time, with an emphasis on the best moments in your life, all being overwhelmed with a feeling of love.” — MrXANA91

6. Isn’t this reincarnation?

“I think we just keep on hitting a randomize button and we manifest into something else, again and again endlessly.” — FarOutSonOfLung

7. The great nothing

“In my opinion, nothing. Like being under anesthesia but never waking up and ceasing to exist.” — throwayaacctlmaooo

8. Choose your own adventure

“I’d like to think we reset like a game and we could choose whether we get reborn or go to some sort of heaven or something.” — No_But_Yes

9. We’re energy

“I’d honestly like to believe that we all become energy. We move around the universe, maybe even become one with it until we are reincarnated again as something else on earth or a different planet.” — cheese-emperor

10. Salamanders

“I think we are all reincarnated as salamanders.” — Kyky716

11. New universe?

“I believe we go to another universe but that’s just wishful thinking.” — Zarek_Pumpkineater

12. Incomparable infinity

“I’m under the impression that death is a separate experience we can’t comprehend. Like someone with vision will never truly know the concept of blindness or someone with hearing will never know the concept of deafness.

“You only experience it while you’re doing it and I am currently experiencing being alive as a human. You don’t know what it was like before you were born because you’re obviously alive. Just like you don’t know deafness because your ears work.
Beyond that, I believe the universe is in endless million-trillion year long cycles of growth and collapse and the fact that I exist at all means, throughout infinity, I am a guaranteed mathematic outcome and must repeat again.” — bermudalily

13. Nothing

“Nothing. It’s the only answer that makes sense. We ARE our thoughts. Our thoughts are in our brain. When we die, our brain shuts down. So our thoughts no longer exist. Anybody who believes in any form of an afterlife really needs to explain how we can have thoughts without our brain. And if they believe that’s somehow magically possible, why do we have brains while still alive?” — joeri1505

14. You become fertilizer

“The same as when trees, plants, or other animals die, we decompose & feed the earth for something else to grow.” — skev303

15. May the source be with you

“What I like to believe is that all life comes from a specific energy source and is returned there once we die. Sort of like a big pool of life, where all souls merge after death and cycle back into the world to be reborn. As for what we experience in that form I have no idea. But the entire world lives and functions on cycles, from the food chain to the weather cycle, eveywhere you look there is a cycle to maintain it. So it only makes sense life would work the same way.” — doopster77

16. Star stuff

“Your surviving family gets all teary, then buries or burns your lifeless body. As the years pass, what atoms once made you, you, become all mixed up in other things, until much later on when the sun dies and engulfs the earth and all its atoms in a final dance of atomic death. Because we are all made of stars, and to them we will all return.” — dbryar

If you were watching Tucker Carlson on Thursday evening — right around the time Russian forces were bombing a nuclear power plant in Ukraine — you were also likely either checking your calendar to see if it was April 1st or frantically staring at the chyron below his smug face to see whether hell had indeed frozen over. Because what Carlson said was utterly shocking: I was wrong!

OK, so that’s not a direct quote. What Carlson actually said was “We were wrong,” as he’s never been one to take responsibility for the dangerous lies and misinformation he spreads on a nightly basis. As of late, one of his favorite topics has been the Russia Ukraine War, which he’s treated as NBD. In fact, the Fox News host has seemed far more interested in scoring an exclusive sit-down with Vladimir Putin than he has in actually looking at the screen sitting right next to him and seeing the devastation being caused in Ukraine. It’s gotten so bad that even Newsmax (!) has called Ol’ Fish Sticks out for his pro-Putin propaganda. But on Thursday evening, Carlson finally began acting as if he has opened his eyes to the reality of what’s happening on the ground in Ukraine… and is blaming Joe Biden and Kamala Harris for his total ignorance.

That’s right: Tucker Carlson, a 52-year-old adult human who calls himself a “journalist” and works for a company with the name “News” in the title is blaming the President and Vice President of the United States for him being a dumbass who has practically been rooting Putin on. Why? Because he doesn’t think the alarm has been sounded loudly enough that Putin is not a good guy and that his violent attacks on Ukraine are a bad thing!

It’s been a week since Russia launched its first attacks on Ukraine, but it apparently took until Thursday night for Carlson to realize that this was something serious. The gravity of the situation is “shocking to us,” Carlson said. “We’ve been taken by surprise by the whole thing. We’re not the only ones who were, but we’re willing to admit it. The only thing more embarrassing than being wrong in your estimates is pretending that you weren’t. So why didn’t we see this coming—this total loss of control?”

Note: We did, Tucker. Everyone did. But not Tucker, and here’s why:

“We assumed if things were dire, serious people would be involved in fixing them. But we looked up and we saw Kamala Harris involved, and that reassured us… If the future of Europe and the world hung in the balance, as now so obviously it does, of course the Biden administration would not have sent Kamala Harris to fix it. ‘Cause that’s not her job. Kamala Harris’ job is to trot down to the Blue Room periodically to greet delegations of TikTok influencers. Or cut occasional PSAs for the Children’s Dental Health Awareness Month, which is in February, so we assumed she’d be working on that right now.”

First off: It’s March now, Tucker. Second: What a dick!!

Carlson still wasn’t finished though, because he had to delve into his weird obsession with Harris’ dating history with Montel Williams.

“So if you’re looking for someone to date Montel Williams, well maybe she’s the person you would choose,” he said. “She could be a solid choice, she’s done it before. Dating Montel Williams – you know – is something that’s within her range of experience. Is she good at it? We can’t say. But she’s done it.”

After spending more time denigrating a Black woman—for the second time in 24 hours, no less—Carlson again admitted that “we were wrong,” then proceeded to blame his inability to, I don’t know, click on a real news site or listen to one of his colleagues, like Jennifer Griffin or Sean Hannity (yes, it feels weird to type his name in defense of something), on the president.

But ultimately, the only thing Carlson says he’s guilty of is looking to Biden—the president he shreds to bits every chance he gets—for leadership.

“We didn’t underestimate Vladimir Putin,” Carlson said. “We overestimated Joe Biden.”

Late in the season, the top-seeded Miami Heat are adding a potentially interesting reinforcement.

As reported by The Athletic’s Shams Charania, Victor Oladipo will make his season debut for the Heat on Monday when Miami plays the Houston Rockets. Oladipo has not played this season after he had surgery on his right quadriceps tendon last May.

Oladipo was acquired by the Heat last season in a deal with the Rockets, but has only played four games for the team as he’s dealt with that quadriceps injury. He originally suffered the injury when he was with the Indiana Pacers back in 2019.

What Oladipo will look like and provide the Heat is a complete unknown. His injury was serious and he’s never gotten back to the All-Star level he was for a stretch with the Pacers. It doesn’t feel like a certainty that he comes in and is more helpful to the Heat right now than their other bench guards like Max Strus or Caleb Martin, who have stepped up in big ways for a Miami team that’s seen a number of key players in and out of the lineup this season but have stayed steady throughout.

That said, adding Oladipo is interesting if he looks good when he returns. If Oladipo can come in, play effective defense while providing some secondary ball handling and shooting, that could be a useful player for a Heat team currently at the top of the Eastern Conference. One of the areas that Miami is lacking is in shot creation, and Oladipo bringing that, even if just in short bursts, could be helpful. Whether that happens or not will be worth watching in the month or so before the playoffs begin.

Michael Showalter had a very simple motive for agreeing to direct all eight episodes of Hulu’s latest biopic, The Dropout.

“I was curious to see how it all played out,” he tells UPROXX over a Zoom chat that keeps freezing every time we dig too deep into the unbelievable life of Elizabeth Holmes – the 20-something Stanford dropout who would scam millions from venture capitalists and global power players in her bid to become one of Silicon Valley’s youngest tech titans.

Those Streaming glitches do nothing to dampen Showalter’s enthusiasm for the project – the second “based-on-real-events” drama he’s pulled from a podcast in the past year. The creative force behind Search Party, The State, and Wet Hot American Summer has found himself in the director’s chair more frequently, helming the Oscar-nominated Tammy Faye biopic and the Apple TV+ series The Shrink Next Door. With The Dropout – which sees Amanda Seyfried transform into Theranos’ young, strangely charismatic founder – he continues that trend, crafting a wild look into an even more outrageous true-crime tale.

UPROXX chatted with Showalter about his interest in the iconic scammer and why he wanted to ask some tough questions of the show’s audience.

What hooked you about the Elizabeth Holmes story?

She is just a very, very endlessly fascinating figure. Her background, her voice, her appearance, the extent to which her ambition took her so far. There’s nothing fringe about it. She had General Mathis – five-star generals — she had presidents singing her praises. She was a global figure. We hear about con artists all the time that are conning in a sort of small scale and, then you have this person who managed to convince major power players on a global stage of what she was doing. And the disparity between what she said she was doing and what was really happening is mind-boggling to people.

You have The New York Times putting her on the cover of the Sunday magazine and you have every single news outlet fawning over her, and you have major international figures getting in line to shake her hand and sing her praises and all of this stuff. There was nothing there. They never got it off the ground. It’s not just like it was close. They were faking it.

What about her do you think was so compelling she was able to convince power players to buy into her idea?

It’s all about the very careful way in which she built this cluster of people around her to validate what she was doing. And we all know how this works. It’s essentially the basic rules of how a trend gets started. It’s like one cool person says ‘Bell bottoms are in,’ and all of a sudden, bell bottoms are in. That’s sort of how it started. She got Channing Robertson to say, ‘She’s great.’ And Channing Robertson tells two friends and then they tell two friends and so on and so on. And then all of a sudden, everybody wants in, everybody wants a piece of it and it takes on a life of its own.

It’s like, where I went to college, my sophomore year, first semester I auditioned for every play, every play. I did not get cast in anything. I couldn’t get even two lines in a stupid show. Then I got into the improv group at the end of my first semester, which was very popular on campus. I couldn’t not get cast after that. It was like, people were fighting over me. I was no different. Nothing had changed about me at all. I was exactly the same person as I was three months earlier, desperately trying to get cast to do anything. And now, I’m getting offered the lead because I’m in the popular improv group on campus. So, it’s that phenomenon — and that’s where I think there’s a lesson to be learned or some introspection on the part of the audience. We’re all responsible here. We can’t just put this all on her. Everyone who didn’t call it out is responsible. Everyone who enabled her and looked the other way or didn’t do their own homework bears responsibility.

The voice has become such a big part of her story. Why do you think we’re all so fascinated by what she sounds like?

It really is a voice that doesn’t match the face. She’s this kind of cute blonde, big blue eyes and then the voice was like, [motions] all the way down here. It’s not an alto. It’s like a deep base. It’s like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. And, that’s so weird, right? So she has an iconic voice, people remember her voice, and then to find out that she might have been faking it? It makes the whole thing so insane. It’s like, she’s going to have a meeting with George Schultz, the former secretary of state, and she’s pretending she has a lower voice than she does. It’s comical.

In episode three, you really lean into her transformation from college undergrad to corrupt Silicon Valley titan. She dons the turtleneck, deepens her voice. A colleague likened it to watching Anakin Skywalker become Darth Vader.

Oh, 100%. No, it’s the birth of a supervillain. Yeah. It’s the origin story of a supervillain. But it also makes you sort of go ‘How could she have thought she was going to get away with this?’ How was she able to go to sleep at night, knowing that she was doing this, deceiving in this way? How rash is it to think that you could fool people like this? If I think even one person is mad at me, I’m like, ‘I can’t sleep.’

Some people might walk away from this admiring, or at least, respecting Holmes’ hustle. What are your feelings about what she did?

I don’t think I have respect or admiration for it. If we’re not being honest with each other … it’s that whole thing, like if there’s no such thing as the truth, then we’re really fucked. So, I can’t say that I have any respect for her, nor do I think she’s just an awful person. I think that she’s a very misguided person. And I feel sorry for her in a lot of ways.

This is the second show you’ve directed that lived as a podcast before coming to TV. Are you a podcast junkie? More importantly, do you have any good recs?

I am a huge podcast junkie. I love the podcast, You Must Remember This which is all about Hollywood. It’s all deeply researched stories about Hollywood through the years. It’s often about corruption and deals with the mistreatment of women. Karina Longworth who does it is this incredible film historian. So every season of that show is a different sort of brilliant story where she kind of finds connections. I would love to see one of her podcasts turned into a show.

‘The Dropout’ begins streaming on March 3rd via Hulu.

Top Chef is back, and it feels like we didn’t even have to wait that long this time. I don’t know about you, but I’m more than ready to go back to pretending restaurant dining is the most prestigious and important industry in the world. I did my duty, bravely spending 40% of my paycheck on takeout to keep these eateries alive and now it’s time for the reward — pettily nitpicking high-end foods! Cure me in ceviche! Cover me in delicate seafood foams! When I die, just lower my casket into a vat of créme fraîche!

This season takes us to Houston, Texas, a city bypassed in each of the last 18 seasons, including season eight, which was set in Texas, with locations in Dallas, Austin, and San Antonio. All this despite Houston being the nation’s fourth-largest city and a diverse, eclectic culinary destination. So unfair! Eh, it’s still hard for me to think of anything in Texas as any kind of an underdog, on account of Texans can never shut up about being from Texas. That’s probably rich to hear coming from a Californian, but what if we make a deal: we ban the Red Hot Chili Peppers from making any more songs and you shut up about everything being bigger and not messing with you and blah blah blah for a while. Seems more than fair.

Anyway, the whole judging gang is back — Tom, Padma, Gail — minus Graham Elliot, whom I must assume the producers left out specifically to deny me the joke fodder. A man in a tailored madras muumuu with white frames and a pastel bow tie is just too easy. Joining them is Dawn Burrell, last season’s… uh… well, last season’s highest-finishing competitor not to get #metoo’d immediately following the finale, I guess. True, Shota was also a runner-up, but the point is, Dawn is from Houston.

This year’s crop of contestants includes eight Michelin stars and numerous James Beard award winners and nominees. The Top Chef producers always take pains to make sure we know how be-accoladed all these contestants are, and it’s kind of a big-dick move on Bravo’s part. They always choose contestants who theoretically don’t really need this, but will still drop everything to be on the show because Top Chef publicity still really is that big a deal. “Aw, but I wanna eat da food from da TV!” I often find myself saying, stupidly.

For this episode’s quickfire, which Padma described as “a silent killer” (so, in other words, “silent but deadly?”), the contestants were broken into teams of three for a relay race, of sorts. They would have “30 minutes to incorporate all your styles into a single dish,” with each member of the team having only 10 minutes to cook. Already being completely impossible and quite insane, to add absurdity to sadism, they also stipulated that the chefs wouldn’t be allowed to speak to one another during the challenge. Sadism does make for good TV, and this challenge brought us a dropped succotash, some lost pork, and the first painfully foodie phrase of this season: “serrano chili créme fraîche.”

For the elimination challenge, the contestants would retain the same teams, for a three-course challenge highlighting, what else, BEEF. In every course. That’s right, these judges would have to taste 15 courses of beef. Please pray for their colons. Each team would have to choose from a maxicut — rib, loin, chuck, sirloin, or round — then butcher and serve their coursed meal.

Such a beef-centric challenge would seem to eliminate the Top Chef contestant’s favorite preparations: the ceviche and his gallic cousin, the crudo. Trust me, there’s nothing these fuckers adore more than cutting shit into tiny cubes and serving it raw. Would we be denied this?

Ah, but friends, fear not, this is why French Jesus invented the tartare. Or as I like to call it, Beef Ceviche. Were there any tartares? Oh, you better believe it. And yet, not one carpaccio. Unbelievable. The cube-shaped-meat bias of this show is downright sickening. I guess if I want some shaved beef I’ll have to call… you know what I’m not even going to finish this joke.

RESULTS:

• Quickfire Winner: Yellow Team (Buddha, Monique, Jo).
• Quickfire Top: Brown Team (Jackson, Robert, Sarah).
• Quickfire Bottom: Blue Team (Ashleigh, Luke, Sam); Red Team (Leia, Stephanie, Jae)

• Elimination Winner: Brown Team (Jackson, Robert*, Sarah)
• Elimination Bottom: Red Team (Leia**, Stephanie, Jae)

*Winner
**Eliminated

15. Leia Gaccione (Eliminated)

AKA: Skepticat, Far Side

Hometown: Passaic, New Jersey

Early Contestant Conceit: “I think that I have a very bad bladder infection.”

Leia, who resembles to me a skeptical feline, was one of two wounded warriors in this episode. But while Jackson bravely (citation needed) battled back from COVID-induced nose blindness for multiple top finishes, Leia’s bladder infection kept her first from partying with the rest of the chefs and later from putting too much thought or effort into the beef appetizer that got her sent home.

Leia’s red team chose last in the elimination challenge, leaving them with the round, the toughest part of the cow. Somewhat inexplicably going with an Asian theme, Red Team put Leia on appetizers, for which she served a Vietnamese spring roll full of tough meat (great penile nickname, incidentally). A contestant named Gaccione from New Jersey on beef appetizers?? This was a prime carpaccio opportunity!! A carpaccitunity, if you will!

Which is to say: Leia was the only chef who didn’t choose a raw or rare preparation in the appetizer round, and she ended up being the one to go home. Coincidence?? GO RAW OR GO HOME, LEIA!

Once again it seems no points are awarded for the chefs who try to be agreeable team players during team challenges. Or maybe expecting the judges to bite through grilled round inside a spring roll was just a bad idea in general. Yet another high-risk, low-reward dish. How many times have you been blown away by a fresh spring roll?

Either way, it looks like we probably won’t get to see how Leia can cook while 1. not on this team and 2. while not battling a bladder infection. Was it a bad dish, or did Leia just get… A RAW DEAL.

Famous Last Words: “I can’t turn a top round into a filet mignon.” (Great, maybe don’t try to then? I feel like the judges could’ve been way harsher about not a single chef on team round braising their meat. Round doesn’t seem like a grillin’ cut, but what do I know).

14. Jae Jung

AKA: Seoul Food

Hometown: Seoul, South Korea

Jae says she describes her style as “Korean-New Orleans,” which sounds amazing, and in my heart I think she’s ranked much higher than this, but I have to keep these rankings at least nominally performance-based. Thus I’m forced to acknowledge that Jae almost went home for a subpar bibimbap that was basically one giant unforced error.

Jae decided to cook “her idea” of what a North Korean dish would be like, even though she’s never been there or eaten it, and while the show could’ve been a lot clearer about what made her bibimbap specifically North Korean (“I’ll have the bibimbap with extra Juche, please”), it seems clear that the dish just wasn’t very good. Which is weird, because bibimbap always looks and sounds pretty good.

I initially blamed Jae for her team’s Asian theme, on account of she seemed to be the only team member who specializes in Asian cuisine, but in rewatching their brainstorming sesh it seems like Leia just asked Jae what she wanted to cook and Jae said “a rice soup with some Asian flavors…” At which point both her teammates instantly volunteered to cook Asian food even though they didn’t want to and weren’t good at it. And then they whined about it the whole time. This is basically the root of every bad group idea ever conceived — something everyone inexplicably agreed to that no one wanted. I feel like this is how the last four Batman movies were made.

Leia and Stephanie seemed like worse team members, but food-wise it seemed like Jae whiffed something that should’ve been solidly in her comfort zone.

13. Stephanie Miller

AKA: North Dakota Jolie, Grumbles

Hometown: Bismarck, North Dakota

Early Contestant Conceit: “Have I mentioned I’m from North Dakota?”

“Did you use oil while you were cooking?” is not a question you ever want to hear a Top Chef judge ask.

It was hard to believe that Chef Stephanie didn’t go home this episode, considering she indeed got that query. First, she hammered her team’s pork in the elimination challenge (apparently she thought there was oil in the marinade, even though there wasn’t — also, I blame this on whoever chose a pork chop in the first place, since cooking a non-dry pork chop in 30 minutes is an insanely high degree of difficulty, a classic high-risk/low-reward situation), then she forgot the bok choi. Finally, she served an apparently boring seared top round in the elimination challenge. And yet… she’s still here.

Anyway, Stephanie and her excellent makeup (hence North Dakota Jolie) spent most of her time whining (hence Grumbles) that her team had chosen an Asian theme, when she’s just a simple girl from North Dakota who knows nothing of the world’s largest, most populous continent. She just wanted to serve some nice meat and potatoes, y’all! I feel like people from the Midwest don’t get nearly enough credit for being super annoying about being from the Midwest. When anyone does something slightly dorky and or WASPY passive-aggressive they’re like “Only in the Midwest!”

Mmm-hmm, yes, tell us more about your excessive politeness and noble values. Which is in no way negated by the constant bragging! Isn’t it great how humble we are? No one is as humble nor as genuine!

Anyway, Grumbles’ food did look kinda good (oxtail demi-glace, yeah baby), even if it was out of place and she whined about it the whole time. It will be interesting to see what happens when she’s not on a team, or on a different team, and more able to “cook her own food” (Top Chef cliché alert). Then again, if her comfort zone doesn’t extend beyond baked potatoes she may not flourish in a show designed to celebrate Houston’s diversity.

12. Luke Kolpin

AKA: Liddell. Ho Ho Ho. Hook.

Early Contestant Conceit: The guy who worked at Noma.

Luke here looks like he’d be in Conor McGregor’s entourage. Like, I can’t see the tailored suit that’s extremely tight around the calves but I know it’s there. I’m calling him Liddell, because he has tattoos on his head like Chuck Liddell, and also Ho Ho Ho, because he looks like a henchman who would get killed by Bruce Willis in Die Hard. And he’s also Hook, because he served the judges empty plates and they had to try to imagine the food like Robin Williams in Hook.

Anyway, Luke has the big Noma pedigree but managed to get ZERO FOOD PLATED in the quickfire challenge. This was followed by a steak none of the judges seemed to like in the elimination round, which definitely makes it seem like Luke on the chopping block. A shame because I feel like I could come up a lot more nicknames for this guy.

Notable Critique: “Luke got lost in how to put together flavors. This has no umami, no salinity, no depth of flavors.”

Obnoxiously Foodie Phrase Alert: “I’m making a black garlic miso water reduction.”

11. Damarr Brown

AKA: Catchphrase. James Beard. Office.

Hometown: Chicago

Early Contestant Conceit: Being the glib guy?

I’m calling this guy Catchphrase, because I get the sense that he’s going to be the producer’s go-to guy for glib commentary on various situations. And also “James Beard” because he looks like a guy who should be named “James Beard.” James Harden should also be named “James Beard.”

Anyway, still way too early to make any assumptions here, but Damarr’s roasted rare sirloin with mushrooms marinated in a beef-fat vinaigrette was one of those dishes that sounded like a really good idea until it came out covered in a film of congealed orange fat. At which point it sounded like a terrible idea.

Maybe he still should’ve known better? I dunno.

Notable Critique: “Is Damarr’s dish risky at all? No, it isn’t.” (Damn right! I want all my food to feel like I’m shooting speed between my toes while BASE jumping!)

10. Nick Wallace

AKA: Domingo, Candyman.

Hometown: Edwards, Mississippi

I’m calling Nick here Domingo, because he reminds me of Colman Domingo. Not necessarily the look, but definitely the voice and way of speaking. I feel like this dude could sell me a time share and somehow make it sound genuine.

Anyway, Nick made a beef stew with sweet potato dumpling dish that sounded really good (adding the word “dumpling” to anything makes it sound at least 80% better) but was apparently dry. One of the judges said he should’ve made it with oxtails. Lesson learned???

Notable Critique: “Nick’s was the right dish, just the wrong cut.”

9. Sam Kang

AKA: Ness, King Of The Beef

Hometown: Gardena, CA

Notable Soundbite: “You can taste crazy in food.”

I’m calling this guy “Ness,” which may resonate with anyone who played a lot of Super Smash Bros in college. And “King of the Beef” because that’s a joke Sam made about himself.

Anyway, Chef Sam seems super low-key, to the point that his teammates thought he wasn’t taking things seriously enough (let the man be Zen, damn you!) and it’s hard to imagine him fighting with anybody, so maybe “King of the Beef” will become an ironic nickname, like when you call a Fat Guy called Tiny.

In the elimination challenge, he made a “roasted striploin with kampot peppercorns and bread salad,” and like a lot of the chefs in the middle of the ranking, it’s hard to know how to handicap him just yet.

8. Monique Feybesse

AKA: Giggles. Pebbles Flintstone.

Hometown: San Francisco

Notable Soundbite: (Upon hearing Buddha’s plan to make Spotted Dick) “How do you spell that?”

I honestly couldn’t tell whether Monique was making a joke when she asked Buddha how to spell Spotted Dick. She spent the next 10 minutes giggling, either at the idea of a food called “spotted dick” or at her own joke about spotted dick. Either way, she seems fun.

Monique made some beef tartare, but honestly who didn’t this episode? Watching this episode, you’d assume that raw beef served with egg yolks was absolutely flying off the restaurant shelves. Is the supply chain okay? Are we going to run out of small beef cubes?

7. Jo Chan

AKA: Sarge.

Hometown: Palmdale, CA

Jo has a buzzcut and seems to cook with military precision. Her Jonathan Waxman-approved salsa verde helped her team win their quickfire challenge, scoring them immunity in the elimination challenge, where Sarge’s black garlic-rubbed ribeye won mostly positive reviews but was largely overshadowed by Buddha’s suet pudding. I get it, man, it’s hard to compete with a fatty dessert. Jo is flying under the radar for now.

6. Evelyn Garcia

AKA: Cuddles

Hometown: Houston

Early Contestant Conceit: The Hometown Girl

I’m calling Evelyn Cuddles on account of she seems like she’d be a good hugger. I have no evidence for this, it’s just a feeling. Anyway, I might be ranking Evelyn too highly but she’s the lone chef actually from Houston, AND she cooked a tri tip in this episode, the quickest way to any Central Californian’s heart.

Tri-tip is one of those things that’s so simple and so delicious (I usually end up cutting it into medallions and eating it with my fingers) that it’s kind of hard to “chef up.” Evelyn’s “charred eggplant with chili jam” seemed to do the trick though. One of the dumbass judges wanted her tri-tip to be “more medium-rare.”

Yeah, yeah, man, everyone loves a rare steak. But tri-tip has some connective tissue in there that needs some heat to break down. You can sous-vide it to a perfect-looking red-in-the-center look, but it’ll end up chewy as hell. It’s not the right cut to cook super rare! Cook it to a nice medium, medium-rare that’s just pink in the center and it melts in your mouth. FIGHT ME!

5. Ashleigh Shanti

AKA: Moonjuice.

Hometown: Virginia Beach

Early Contestant Conceit: “Afro-lacchian.”

Ashleigh strikes me as someone who makes leather jewelry for fun. She works in Asheville, North Carolina (crystal capital of the world!) and describes her cooking style as “Afro-lacchian,” which is easily the best fusion food portmanteau I’ve ever heard on this show. Anyway, it’s a little early in the competition to know what to make of Ashleigh (or really anyone), but the judges seemed to love her kitfo with egg yolk sauce and red rice crumble. Conceptually, that was a great way of doing basically what everyone else was doing (a tartare) while being able to call it something else. Classic recipe for success on Top Chef, and basically for food in general. “Can you give me what I already like but somehow make it new?”

Notable Critique: “It has a ton of flavor, it has great texture… and it’s not timid.”

4. Sarah Welch

AKA: Stephanie Izard, the squeaquel.

Hometown: Ann Arbor, Michigan

Sarah is playing it pretty close to the vest so far. Most of the clips of her in this episode sort of reminded me of that Alonzo Mourning gif:

Sarah did everything right in this episode and received high marks for her “tallow-seared beef with eggplant puree, agrodolce shallots, and caperberry relish,” even if none of her dishes screamed CATNIP FOR FOODIES like some of the chefs ranked a little higher.

3. Robert Hernandez

AKA: Damian. Butterfingers.

Hometown: Downey, California

Robert, who is giving me major gay-best-friend-in-a-rom-com vibes, opened this episode by dropping some succotash on the floor and hiding his pork under the grill, so it’s safe to say that initially, things weren’t looking good. But then he served up some gnocchis that, to hear the judges tell it, were softer and fluffier than a pillow for an angel’s balls! TRIPLE REDEMPTION SCORE!

I had to drop Robert down to three because of the lackluster quickfire performance, but pot roast with gnocchi and parmesan cream with castelvetrano olive tapenade sounds like the dish of my dreams.

2. Jackson Kalb

AKA: Leghorn, Andrew Lunk, Magoo, Where’s The Pork?

Hometown: LA

Contestant Conceit: Lost his sense of smell and taste from COVID and still doesn’t have it all back.

I’m calling this guy Leghorn on account of he kind of looks like a big rooster. The show was building up Leghorn here as some kind of underdog on account of his smell and taste loss, but he ended up on a top team in the quickfire and on the winning team in the elimination challenge, so I have to think he’s a favorite. Considering Stephanie prepped scallops for the team and Robert cooked some pork chops and Leghorn used (*checks notes*) none of those in the final dish, and still made a runner-up dish in 10 minutes, it’s hard not to conclude that he’s got some skills.

I was actually yelling at the TV during the quickfire when Leghorn couldn’t find Roberto’s pork and chose instead to cook… eggplant. Eggplant?? In 10 minutes?? I used to grow eggplant in my garden but I stopped, because while I love to eat it, it’s always a huge pain in the ass to prepare — the salting, the draining, the patting dry, etc. — but apparently you can just throw it the fuck into a wood-fired oven and have it cooked and plated in 10 minutes. Who knew? That’s it, I’m getting a wood-fired oven in my kitchen, I don’t care what my wife says.

Lots of people made tartares this episode, but Jackson was the only one who made one combining tuna and potato chips. That seems like the kind of terrible brilliance that will serve him well on this show.

1. Buddha Lo

AKA: Mr. International. Shakes.

Hometown: Port Douglas, Australia

Buddha is an Asian-Australian who worked in France and now lives in Brooklyn. His hands were shaking during the quickfire, but that and everything else he cooked this episode seemed perfectly conceived. Buddha made a beef fat spotted dick (STOP. GIGGLING.) for the elimination challenge. Putting beef fat in a classic English dessert feels like something designed in a lab to be irresistible to the sensibilities of a Top Chef judge. Something classic and historical, but also super weird and original.

Also, “suet pudding with beef fat caramel and miso ice cream” is one of weirdest dish descriptions ever conceived on this show. Kudos.

Notable Critique: “This is the most exciting one and the most balanced one, as far as I’m concerned.”

Today, in a statement to Variety, disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein said the four words so many people have wanted to hear from the typically defiant mega-producer: “I am sincerely sorry.” Except the apology in question had nothing to do with the dozens of women who have publicly accused him of sexual misconduct. Nope, Harvey’s heartfelt act of contrition was over some Milk Duds.

The box of candy, which is considered contraband in the clink, was discovered all the way back on November 10, 2021, after a routine search following an in-person meeting Weinstein had with Shawn Burkley, one of his lawyers. In true Weinstein style, he initially responded to the charges with a “deny, deny, deny” philosophy. As Gene Maddaus wrote for Variety:

The Milk Duds were confiscated, and the guards warned that they would have to search his attorneys’ legal binders and laptop bags on future visits. Weinstein claimed to the guards that he had brought the Milk Duds with him when he was extradited from New York in July. But the jail officials said he had been searched upon his arrival at the L.A. County jail’s medical facility, and nothing was found, leading them to conclude that the Milk Duds were passed to him during the attorney’s visit.

Both Weinstein and his attorneys issued official expressions of regret over the incident, with Harvey describing it as “an innocent misunderstanding,” and promising that “It will not happen again… I am sincerely sorry.”

Mark Werksman and Alan Jackson, Weinstein’s lawyers, echoed their client’s sentiments while issuing their own apology in which they shared that: “We have been informed about this and are very sorry it happened. It had not happened before, and never happened since. Harvey has been a model inmate and intends to continue as such.”

Reminder: We’re talking about a box of f@#%ing Milk Duds!

If only the one-time legendary studio boss could express the same level of shame and grief to the nearly 90 women who have accused him of sexual harassment, assault, and/or rape.

While Weinstein—who was once threatened by Tony Soprano himself, James Gandolfini—will be allowed to continue having face-to-face meetings with his attorneys as he prepares for trial, he has been warned that any other infraction will result in being placed inside a special booth. Presumably one that would make the passing of some Sno-Caps impossible.

(Via Variety)

The political pundits who serve as the smiling faces of Russia’s many state-run “news” channels are feeling a lot less cheery these days. Sure, they’re still putting their trademark pro-Putin spins on the events of each day—at least those events that the Kremlin allows them to talk about. But given that much of the world has united in its support of Ukraine and condemnation of Vlad for attacking the sovereign state, Russia’s news anchors are feeling a bit left out. Luckily for them, they’ve still got an ally in at least part of the Fox News team (with a couple notable exceptions).

As The Daily Beast reports, the Russian media is downright giddy over some repugnant comments retired U.S. Army Colonel Douglas Macgregor made while appearing as a guest on Fox’s Sunday Night In America With Trey Gowdy. When asked about the escalating war between Russia and Ukraine, Macgregor—who served as Senior Advisor to the Acting Secretary of Defense during the Trump years—suggested that the people of Ukraine just give up already and bend the knee to the Almighty Putin. Macgregor also said that we, as Americans, need to stop demonizing Putin and accept that Volodymyr Zelenskyy, the comedian-turned-president of Ukraine who voiced Paddington in TWO movies:

We need to remember that Ukraine is fourth from the bottom of 158 countries in the world, at corruption. Russia is perhaps three or four places above them. This is not the liberal democracy, the shining example, that everyone says it is, far from it.

Mr. Zelensky has jailed journalists and his political opposition.

I think we need to stay out of it. The American people think we should stay out of it, the Europeans think we should stay out of it, and we should stop shipping weapons and encouraging Ukrainians to die in what is a hopeless endeavor.

Gowdy, making sure he understood Macgregor correctly, clarified: “Just let Russia take that portion of Ukraine that they want to take?”

Macgregor’s answer: “Absolutely.”

Meanbwhile, some of Gowdy’s Fox News colleagues have condemned Macgregor’s statements—most notably Jennifer Griffin, who was on the air with Gowdy just a few minutes after all of that pro-Putin gobbledygook. Even former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly, of all people, criticized his former network for not stepping in. But while Americans may be aghast at Macgregor’s comments, Russian media figures are saluting him.

“Russian state media flooded their programs with translated clips of Macgregor’s proclamations, using them in support of their own messaging designed to demoralize the Ukrainians,” Julia Davis wrote for The Daily Beast.

But Russian propagandist Vladimir Soloviev—who has been complaining to anyone who will listen about how Russian sanctions have caused him to lose access to his precious pair of Italian villas—was totally Team Macgregor. “Macgregor is expressing his tough position on Ukraine,” Soloviev said. “Will he also be sanctioned by the European Union?”

If only!

(Via The Daily Beast)

There seems to be a bit of a 70s revival thing going on lately. With Licorice Pizza becoming a fan-favorite at the box office and Silk Sonic’s funky album aesthetics, it’s safe to say that vibrant (and tacky) 70s nostalgia is back in a major way.

The latest 70s-inspired piece of pop culture is HBO Max’s new show Minx, starring New Girl’s Jake Johnson alongside Ophelia Lovibond. Minx follows outspoken feminist Joyce, played by Lovibond, as she sets out to create a female-focused magazine in a male-dominated field. After being rejected by big-name magazine execs (all men, of course) she stumbles upon Doug, played by Johnson, an editor of erotic magazines, and the two embark on an unlikely collaboration.

Created by Ellen Rapoport (of Netflix’s Desperados) the series features Doug and Joyce as they create an erotic magazine for women, while still sprinkling in some feminist ideas between the pages, which is pretty unheard of for the time. They also wear some flashy, era-specific looks that will hopefully come back in style soon. The series also stars Taylor Zakhar Perez, Lennon Parham, Jessica Lowe, Idara Victor, and Oscar Montoya.

The 10-episode series begins streaming on March 17th on HBO Max. Check out the trailer above.

As football across all levels leans more and more on the passing game, the wide receiver group has become the marquee attraction at the NFL Combine, and 2022 was no different. A deep and talented group got to strut their stuff in Indianapolis on Thursday night and the first group put on an absolute show in the 40-yard dash, headlined by 4.31 and 4.32 runs from Velus Jones Jr. and Calvin Austin III, respectively.

They set the bar high for the second group that came later in the evening in Indy, but those times would not hold as Ohio State standout Chris Olave strolled up to the 40 line at Lucas Oil Stadium and proceeded to drop everyone in the building’s jaw with an outrageous 4.26 unofficial time.

If that time indeed holds up once the official numbers roll in — and it looked that fast if not faster — it would tie him for the fourth fastest 40-yard dash in NFL Combine history. Amazingly, he’s fourth fastest ever because he wasn’t even the fastest in his group, as Baylor’s Tyquan Thornton broke John Ross’ record with a 4.21 in his first run (again, that could change on the official number, but should be very close).

If that holds, it’s the fastest of all-time and it, like Olave, looked the part. Somehow, there was a third sub-4.3 in this group, as North Dakota State’s Christian Watson ran a 4.28 alongside them in what will go down as the fastest position group in NFL Combine history.

Back in 2019, a little over a year after Drake released his fifth album Scorpion, Drake was hit with a lawsuit over his No. 1 songs “In My Feelings” and “Nice For What.” Both songs were played a big role in the success of Scorpion, but according to Sam Skully (whose real name is Samuel Nicholas III), the track wrongfully sampled aspects of his 2000 song “Roll Call (Instrumental)” in the respective tracks. Skully’s first lawsuit was dismissed, as was his second case, because he failed to actually litigate them. However, according to Billboard, Skully has filed his third lawsuit against Drake alleging copyright infringement over “In My Feelings” and “Nice For What.”

In the lawsuit, Skully claims that aspects of “Roll Call (Instrumental)” were sampled and added to the records from Scorpion by the songs’ producer BlaqNmilD, whose real name Adam J. Pigott. Skully claims that Pigott used the same sample in other records that he worked on for other artists. However, Pigott’s representatives say that both he and Skully used the same sample from a 1986 record by legendary Queens hip hop duo The Showboys.

“It is this song, ‘Drag Rap (Triggerman),’ that Adam had indeed sampled for the compositions in question,” BlaqNmilD’s manager Craig E. Baylis says. “The Showboys will attest that Adam ensured that they were contacted for all proper clearances. Our question is, has the plaintiff done the same?”

Asylum Records, Cash Money Records, Republic Records, and New Orleans legend Big Freedia were also named in the lawsuit. Skully’s lawyer, Mark Edward Andrews, and representatives Drake and Warner Music Group did not return requests for comment from Billboard.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.