Month: April 2022

“Do I relate to my old music anymore? The answer is kind of… no.”

Dove Cameron might be better known for her work as an actress, but she’s coming on strong as a force in the pop world. With the release of her latest single “Boyfriend” a few months ago, Dove honed in on her sound and catapulted onto the charts at the same time. The dark, tongue-in-cheek hit went all the way to No. 40 on the Hot 100, proving that queer pop songs are more than welcome in the mainstream in 2022. “I could be a better boyfriend than him,” she begins, “I could be such a gentleman” — before delivering one hell of a punchline: “Plus all my clothes would fit.” It’s the kind of carefree, sexy pop song that puts an artist on the map and gets the industry’s attention, and Cameron isn’t wasting any time doubling down on this moment.

But looking forward also means reckoning with what came before, and in her case, a lot of it is just not relevant to where she’s going from here. “Probably my favorite song before ‘Boyfriend’ was ‘Waste,’” she mused in a recent phone interview about the shifts in her music career. “I love everything that I’ve released, but as an artist, my perspective on things changes so much. There’s so much that I’ve created that’s no longer really relevant to my life or my creative process. I’ve just changed so much as a human being that I’m really more focused on the music I have going forward.”

Dove, born Chloe Celeste Hosterman, has been open about her queerness for some time now, coming out in a cover for Gay Times last year and discussing her fear of being accepted. “Maybe I haven’t said it, but I’m super queer,” she recalled telling her fans in a coming-out video on Instagram Live. “This is something I want to represent through my music because it’s who I am.” That confession came after accusations about queerbaiting in her “We Belong” lyric video, a moot point once she set the record, ahem, straight. And though she’s been making her way in the music world for a few years now, putting out covers here and there and contributing to soundtracks related to her film projects, Cameron’s debut EP came back in 2019 with the release of “Waste” and “Bloodshot.” Since then, she’s put out a string of exploratory singles, but all her searching snapped into focus with “Boyfriend.”

“Finding your sound is like feeling around in the dark, looking for a heat signature or something,” she said. “For years, artists will try to verbalize what their sound is to their A&R, to their label, to the people they work with. Everyone historically knows that’s like next to impossible, because a sound is intuitive and goes beyond language. When I was making music before this, I was doing things based on ideas of who I was. Once I figured out who I was, it was an intuitive thing. Now, I have a roadmap of what I want to do and where I’m going. It feels like waking up into a new reality where suddenly everything makes sense.”

For Dove, when she’s not “literally on camera” or filming a TV show or movie on set, she’s in the studio — so producing new music isn’t as much the problem as much as making sure it’s music she’s passionate about. Self-identifying as a writer more than a musician, or even an actress, Dove shared that she carries around four different sets of notebooks with her wherever she goes: “One for poetry, one for songwriting, one for journaling, and one for essays. That’s what I do, all day. I write songs all day. I wrote poems all day.” Given that amount of creative output, and a decent amount of time in the studio, it’s not a huge surprise that more new songs are definitely in the works for release.

“I have about five other songs that I love, that I feel like are on par with ‘Boyfriend,’” she said. “But besides those I’ve written hundreds of others that probably no one will ever hear… and they should be happy for that. [Laughs] As of now we’re still adjusting the sails of the ship, because we really weren’t expecting ‘Boyfriend’ to do what it did. We only put it out, because people were asking for it on the internet. And that’s a very strange experience that TikTok as a platform has changed for artists.” In the past, after an artist wrote and recorded a song, there could be months before it gets approved, gets a video treatment and a release schedule with the label, and finally makes its way to the public. But with TikTok as a real-time measure for what an artist’s fans are connecting with, that timeline has shortened considerably.

A prime example of that is the next song Dove has already been teasing on the short-form video platform, this one titled “Breakfast.” Since she first posted a snippet of the track — which is dark and synthy, and akin to “Boyfriend” in some ways — the clip has racked up close to four million streams. Dove wrote that she’d “just finished” the song when she first shared it in late March, so it seems likely that we’ll get that as the next single. Earlier this week, she further displayed her chops as a vocalist by delivering a reimagined cover of Lil Nas X’s “Montero (Call Me By Your Name),” and debuting “Boyfriend” on late night. As touring is slowly but surely returning, it seems like some live shows will make sense in the very near future. And based on both of these live performances, that tour will be a huge part of establishing Dove’s position in the pop ecosystem.

As for a longer project, Dove is leaning full-time into flexibility mode. “The next big move I make, I want to be really sure of — be behind it 100% and be intentional about it,” she said. “So, the idea is to keep collecting songs, and if it shapes up to be thirteen songs then it’s easy, that’s an album. But if I go on tour, and write a bunch of stuff on the road, and it makes sense to do two EPs, then that’s what we’ll do. Maybe for some projects there really is a lot of planning behind the scenes, but for mine, because it’s so off-the-cuff, I have to watch how it’s shaping up like an animal and then decide as I go.”

Everybody has opinions about who the best rappers, albums, songs, etc. in the history of hip-hop are. Rappers weigh in on the subject not infrequently and last night, Ice T made his contribution to the conversation on The Tonight Show.

During a segment called “Ice T Settles It,” Jimmy Fallon asked Ice a series of rapid-fire questions and eventually, he tasked Ice with making his pick for the greatest rap album of all time. He seemed intrigued by the question, giving an “ooh” after he asked. Ice didn’t take long to give his answer, though, replying after only a short delay, “I’ll say Paid In Full by Eric B. & Rakim.” Fallon asked Ice to elaborate and he continued, “‘Cause that was the most influential album to me when I was making my album.”

He also offered his No. 2 and 3 albums, and like Paid In Full, they’re also from the late ’80s and early ’90s, when his own music career was at its peak. He continued, “I’ll say Fear Of A Black Planet [by] Public Enemy would be a close second, and then Straight Out Of Compton, NWA, would be top-3. But each one of those albums had a lot to do with influencing me as an MC. But when I heard Rakim, I had never heard nobody rap like that. And it was so many hits on that album. Get Paid In Full and you’ll bang it all the way to the house.”

Watch the full interview above.

Even if you’re only tangentially aware of the bourbon world, you’ve likely heard someone whisper about “Weller” before. The bourbon brand skyrocketed to prominence — and astronomical prices — by being the “Poor man’s Pappy” about a decade ago. Today, all Weller expressions are fully allocated (only certain bars and stores get them) and the price is inflated well beyond its MSRP (manufacturer’s suggested retail price).

But… is it actually any good? Seriously. Does Weller deserve the hype — and price hike — it recieves?

To answer that question, I’m conducting a blind taste test with bottles that are in the same league as Weller Special Reserve. Yes, I’m starting at the “bottom” of the Weller brand with their entry-level bottle and we’ll move up the ladder from there. For a little context, Weller Special Reserve is a blend of wheated bourbon barrels (from the same stocks as Pappy Van Winkle) from the famed Buffalo Trace Distillery. It’s fairly low proof, and it should cost $30 per bottle. In fact, if you’re lucky enough to visit the Buffalo Trace Distillery on the right day, you can still get it at that price there.

High-end bottle shops are going to charge two to three times more. Easily.

To that end, I picked standard bourbons in the $20 to $60 range. Each bottle has a 40 to 48 percent ABV (Weller is 45 percent ABV) to keep things in the same flavor wheelhouse — blindly tasting high proof or single barrel expressions alongside an entry-level bottle isn’t the point of this tasting. This is about bottles of equal integrity and generally similar prices.

Our lineup today is:

• Five Brothers Bourbon (KY)
• Uncle Nearest 1884 (TN)
• Bib & Tucker 6 (TN)
• Maker’s Mark (KY)
• Four Roses Bourbon (KY)
• Weller Special Reserve (KY)
• Evan Williams 1783 Small Batch (KY)
• Brothers Bond (IN)
• Ransom Bourbon (OR & IN)
• Redemption Wheated Bourbon (IN)

At the end of the day, Weller Special Reserve is a $30 bottle of bourbon. The question becomes: among $30 bourbons is it average, above average, or below average? Let’s dive in and see if anything in this bracket can beat it.

Also Read: The Top 5 UPROXX Bourbon Posts Of The Last Six Months

• The 50 Best Bourbon Whiskeys Of 2021, Ranked
• Every Winning Bourbon From Our 2021 Taste Tests, Blind Tasted And Re-Ranked
• The 100 Best Whiskeys Our Head Drinks Writer Tasted In 2021
• The Best Ten-Year-Old Bourbon Whiskeys, Tasted Blind And Ranked
• We Tasted Bourbon Whiskeys ‘Double-Blind’ And Tried To Guess Each Bottle

Part 1: The Tasting

Taste 1

Tasting Notes:

This is pretty sweet on the nose with plenty of maple syrup next to pine tobacco leaves and a light sense of unpopped popcorn. The palate leans into pecan waffles with more maple syrup and butter with plenty of vanilla extract. The maple marries the tobacco near the end with a dry/sweet finish.

Taste 2

Tasting Notes:

Butterscotch and sweet cornmeal dominate the nose with hints of pecans, butter, and dry cinnamon sticks. The taste holds into that sweet butterscotch with a vanilla creaminess counterpointed by tart green apple baked in a crumble with walnuts. Dried cherry pops near the end and drives home a finish that’s full of powdery dark chocolate and soft leather.

Taste 3

Tasting Notes:

Leather and cedar play second fiddle to woody vanilla, apple pie filling, and a buttery caramel on the nose. The palate is a cedar box full of apple tobacco next to ginger snaps and spicy fruit compote. The finish has a note of cherry syrup and sweet oak with a hint of brown spice warmth.

Taste 4

Tasting Notes:

Caramel apples, vanilla sauce, and sweetgrass open this up on the nose. Orchard florals and apple pie with a buttery crust drive the palate toward a slight minerality with an apple tobacco spiciness. The mid-palate minerality ebbs toward more of that apple tobacco with hints of dry sweetgrass, old leather, and cherry-infused caramel candies on the end.

Taste 5

Tasting Notes:

Apple chips, spiced honey, mild leather, and a whisper of fennel draw you in on the nose. The palate leans into the apple alongside honeyed oats, vanilla pudding cups, cold red mulled wine, and a slight metallic vibe. The mid-palate sweetens with some brown sugar as the finish slowly fades through firewood and honey tobacco spiciness.

Taste 6

Tasting Notes:

Cherrywood, vanilla husks, apple blossoms, and wet leather mingle on the nose. The palate has this rich cream soda vibe that leads to stewed apples with plenty of winter spices, walnuts, and dried fruits. The mid-palate hits a sweet high with a dark cherry syrup that leads into a mix of vanilla pipe tobacco and more of that cherrywood with touches of old leather and dry wicker.

Taste 7

Tasting Notes:

Vanilla and leather dance on the nose with allspice and clove as a soft cornbread with browned butter rounds things out. The palate holds onto that butteriness with a dollop of creamy honey, more vanilla, and pancakes. The mid-palate has a soft and sweet oakiness next to nutmeg and creamy vanilla as the end ushers in dry reeds and a spicy vanilla paste.

Taste 8

Tasting Notes:

Apple. More apple. APPLE. Seriously though, there’s a lot of apple on the nose with a candy bent with hints of vanilla, oak, and caramel supporting. The taste is the more of the same with apple candy dominating amongst hints of marzipan, caramel, and wood. The finish keeps on that apple theme with a watery edge and a small finish.

Taste 9

Tasting Notes:

Green savory herbs and dark chocolate open the nose next to vanilla pods and citrus oils. The palate is buttery and full of vanilla with light spice. The finish has a hint of dry reeds and spice but sort of peters out.

Taste 10

Tasting Notes:

Fresh grass, nougat, soft cedar, and vanilla beans dominate the nose. The taste has a light pepperiness countered by lime leaves, drip coffee, and a whiff of pepper-encrusted, fatty brisket from a smoker. There’s a warm southern biscuit vibe on the mid-palate that leads to more butteriness, Nutella, and very creamy vanilla on the finish.

Part 2: The Ranking

10. Brothers Bond Bourbon — Taste 8

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $38

The Whiskey:

This celebrity whiskey comes from Vampire Diaries actors Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder. The juice is from an “undisclosed” source but from Indiana (gotta be MGP, obviously). The mash bill is a four-grain recipe of corn, rye, wheat, and malted barley that’s aged for an undisclosed amount of time before watering it all down to 80 proof and bottling.

Bottom Line:

This was all apple. That’s fine but a little one-note. It’s also a little watery on the end, which kind of killed it for me.

9. Ransom Bourbon — Taste 9

ABV: 44%

Average Price: $38

The Whiskey:

This bourbon is a mix of Oregon craft and Indiana mastery. The juice is a four grain (66 percent corn, 23 percent rye, six percent wheat, and four percent malted barley) bourbon made from two and three-year-old barrels blended with 12-year-old barrels. That whiskey is then proofed with local Oregon water to 88 proof for bottling.

Bottom Line:

This started off so strong. Then it hit that mid-point and just kind of disappeared on the palate. I went back for another sip and found the same thing. That’s too bad as there’s a lot to like on this sip’s first half.

8. Four Roses Bourbon — Taste 5

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $19

The Whiskey:

This introductory juice from Four Roses is a blend of all ten of their whiskeys. The barrels are a minimum of five years old when they’re plucked from the warehouses, blended, brought down to proof, and bottled.

Bottom Line:

This isn’t even the cheapest bourbon on this list but it felt like a shooter or mixer. It was fine but pretty basic.

7. Bib & Tucker 6 — Taste 3

ABV: 46%

Average Price: $60

The Whiskey:

Bib & Tucker pulls barrels of Tennessee whiskey from an old and quiet valley in the state. They then blend those barrels to meet their brand’s flavor notes. While they are laying down their own whiskey now, this is still all about the blending of those barrels in small batches.

Bottom Line:

This felt like a really good cocktail bourbon but not much else.

6. Uncle Nearest 1884 Small Batch — Taste 2

ABV: 46.5%

Average Price: $49

The Whiskey:

This whiskey is created from a batch of barrels that are a minimum of seven years old. Nearest’s Master Blender, Victoria Eady-Butler, builds the blend according to classic flavor notes first put into Tennessee whiskey by her ancestor, Nearest Green, back in the 1800s.

Bottom Line:

This really is built as a mixing bourbon and that’s what shined through the most on the sip today. That’s fine, by the way! This makes a good cocktail.

5. Five Brothers Small Batch Bourbon — Taste 1

ABV: 45%

Average Price: $55

The Whiskey:

This brand new bourbon from Heaven Hill celebrates the five brothers who started the distillery back in 1935. The bottle was released to celebrate the brand-new visitor’s center at Heaven Hill and is largely only available there. The juice in this bottle is a blend of five bourbons of varying ages between five and nine years old made with Heaven Hill’s mash bill of 78 percent corn, 12 percent malted barley, and ten percent rye.

Bottom Line:

This was perfectly fine today. In fact, I really liked it. It just didn’t hit as “wow” compared to the ones below it on this list.

4. Redemption Wheated Bourbon — Taste 10

ABV: 48%

Average Price: $50

The Whiskey:

This release from Redemption is their take on MGP’s 45 percent winter wheat bourbon. Redemption’s team brings four-year-old barrels in-house and then masterfully blends them in small batches until they get just the right notes.

Bottom Line:

This was really nice and unique. “Well made” came to mind as I sipped this one. The only reason this is a little lower is that it felt more like a mixer than a sipper. But I could see pouring this over some ice in a pinch.

3. Maker’s Mark — Taste 4

ABV: 45%

Average Price: $32

The Whisky:

This is Maker’s signature expression. You know the drill: Red winter wheat, seasoned Ozark oak, six to seven years in the barrel. This expression’s juice is then sourced from only 150 barrels (making this a small batch, if you want to call it that). Those barrels are then blended, proofed, bottled, and dipped in red wax.

Bottom Line:

This was the first bourbon on the list that was really good. Everything above this was fine, but this was a stand-out. That said, it wasn’t as complex and alluring as the next two.

2. Evan Williams 1783 Small Batch — Taste 7

ABV: 45%

Average Price: $16

The Whiskey:

This is Evan William’s small-batch bourbon reissue. The expression is a marriage of 200 barrels of Heaven Hill’s classic bourbon (78 percent corn, 12 percent malted barley, and ten percent rye). That juice is vatted, then proofed down to 90 proof (instead of the old 86 proof), and bottled as is.

Bottom Line:

I struggled with this one. I ranked this first and then second and then back and forth again about ten times. This was really good but, in the end, was a little bit lighter even though it had a pretty deep flavor profile. Still, this is quality juice that punches way above its price/weight class.

1. Weller Special Reserve — Taste 6

ABV: 45%

Average Price: $55 ($25 MSRP)

The Whiskey:

Buffalo Trace doesn’t publish any of their mash bills. Educated guesses put the wheat percentage of these mash bills at around 16 to 18 percent, which is average. The age of the barrels on this blend is also unknown. We do know that they cut down those ABVs with that soft Kentucky limestone water.

Bottom Line:

Well, there you go. This was complex and really worked as a sipper in a Glencairn. I felt like there was more to mine on the nose and taste and kept going back for further whiffs. To be crystal clear — yes, this felt like the highest-quality bourbon on the list. Not by a mile, but enough.

Part 3: Final Thoughts

Full disclosure, I pretty much knew taste six was Weller from the nose. That raw/wet leather note is 100 percent Buffalo Trace. The palate only confirmed it for me because, well, it was just a better-made whiskey with more depth.

So was this weighted in Weller’s favor since I know the distillery so well? Maybe. I can say this, the top three were very close. And given that you can get both Evan Williams and Maker’s Mark on pretty much every shelf, I’d go with them for my own bar cart.

That said, it’s definitely worth seeking out a Weller Special Reserve if you can get it at MSRP. So maybe just wait until your next trip to Kentucky to snag one because, yeah, it lives up to the hype and is definitely above average.

In what could be a landmark legal case, Marjorie Taylor Greene appeared in a court hearing on Friday to determine if she violated a Civil War era provision that would disqualify her from running for re-election in Georgia due to her involvement in the failed January 6 insurrection. Similar challenges are unfolding across the country, including one against fellow Republican Congressman Madison Cawthorn, so the outcome of Greene’s hearing is being closely monitored.

In the lead-up to the hearing, Greene has been apoplectic that she even has to appear in court and has attempted to downplay her role in the January 6 riot. While Greene was not at Trump’s “Stop the Steal” rally, she was a proud supporter of the former president’s attempts to overturn the election and was reportedly involved in planning the now infamous event. However, during Friday’s hearing, Greene denied wanting to stop the certification process.

“Is it fair to say that from election night until January 6th, 2021, your personal opinion and your wish was that Congress not certify Joe Biden as the winner of the 2020 election?” Greene was asked, to which she responded, “No, that’s not accurate.”

Obviously, that answer was a huge surprise to anyone familiar with Greene. She has been a staunch defender of the January 6 rioters and even went so far to say that they were simply following the Declaration of Independence. “It says to overthrow tyrants,” Greene told Real America’s Voice just earlier this year. In fact, over on Twitter, people are already reacting to Greene’s wild claim that she didn’t want to stop the election from being certified and some are wondering if she committed perjury.

(Via Acyn on Twitter)

So far this year, The Simpsons have been staying relevant within the music world. The show invited The Weeknd to voice the character of Orion Hughes, a famous kid influencer, in “Bart The Cool Kid” last month, following the release of the pop star’s massive album Dawn FM. It was just recently announced that Billie Eilish would be the next guest in The Simpsons, for a short film called When Billie Met Lisa.

That short film is out today on Disney+. Eilish, unlike The Weeknd, is literally playing herself; her character keeps her once-signature black and green hair and rings. She hears Lisa playing the saxophone under an overpass, and wonders: “Can John Coltrane really be playing under a freeway overpass? No, he’s dead.” She introduces herself to Lisa while upside down, hanging from the overpass, and Lisa immediately starts weeping, which is a realistic reaction for kids to have upon meeting their favorite celebrities.

This isn’t Eilish’s first crossover with television; the “Happier Than Ever” singer hosted SNL late last year. “The week of preparing for SNL is f*cking nuts, dude. It’s literally alien. I cried every single day of the week, no joke at all,” she admitted.

When Nintendo first launched Splatoon, it was a surprising new IP from the legendary publisher. Nintendo is a company that has always been able to lean on decades of memorable IPs like Mario, Zelda, and Pokémon. So when Nintendo decided to come out with a fresh and new multiplayer focused third-person shooter, it was a welcomed surprise. The result was Nintendo gaining a franchise that is now a major name and is getting its third title in 2022.

On September 9, Nintendo will be releasing Splatoon 3 for the Switch. Fans of the franchise can expect it to bring back a lot of longtime favorites such as Turf Wars and Salmon Run, and plenty of crazy new weapons to use. We might even see a heavier emphasis on single player this time around. Splatoon has always had really fun single player campaigns that never got the recognition they deserved. Hopefully, that will change this time around when Splatoon 3 hits store shelves later this summer.

Platform: Nintendo Switch
Price: $60
Release Date: September 9
Genre: Third-Person Shooter
Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo
Rating: E
Where can I buy this: Nintendo eShop, Most brick and mortar stores
Single Player: Yes
Multiplayer: Yes
Early Access: No
Microtransactions: Unlikely

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE— It’s madness, really

We have discussed this all before on more than one occasion, but it’s relevant again this week and there are very few things I enjoy discussing more, so here we go again. The facts are not in dispute. The Fast & Furious franchise is an objectively chaotic and silly endeavor. They started out stealing DVD players from truckers and now they are launching people into outer space. Felonious street racers work for a secretive government agency that has a bottomless budget to fight cyberterrorists with braids and bowl cuts. John Cena plays Vin Diesel’s secret evil brother. It’s basically like if you gave a vat of LSD-infused protein shakes and $500 million to a daytime soap opera and told them to really explore the limits of their imagination. I love it very much.

But somehow, against truly staggering odds, the actual bonkers action of the franchise might not even be the most chaotic thing about it. That honor, I contend, might go to the title structure of the now 10-film series. I am going to take you on a short ride here. A quarter-mile ride, if you will. We’re going to grapple with letters and numbers and punctuation and Roman numerals. And puns. It’s a lot. As it should be. Here we go. Let’s start at the beginning.

The Fast and the Furious (2001)

Straightforward. Simple. Effective. Explains what we’re looking at here. There is speed and anger and it’s all laid out right there in the title. No problems here.

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

Okay. Okay. I get what we’re shooting for on this one. Numbers in place of words was kind of a thing for a while, and it’s cute because it’s the second film and we got some twos tossed around liberally in there. Again, it’s fine. It’s silly and unnecessary and kind of funny in hindsight, but it’s fine. The real problems are coming, though, some of them caused by the decisions made here. A butterfly flaps its wings. Or revs its engine. Or both. I don’t know. Leave me alone.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

We return to the original title structure, with the “The” out front and the “and” spelled out, but now we add a colon and a “Tokyo Drift.” This is also fine, in part because there’s still an attempt at uniformity — getting back to basics — and in part because just about any movie can be improved by hundreds of percent by adding a “: Tokyo Drift” to the end of its title. Here, look

Casablanca: Tokyo Drift
The Godfather: Tokyo Drift
Alien: Tokyo Drift
Air Bud: Tokyo Drift
Gladiator: Tokyo Drift
Sex and the City: Tokyo Drift

And so on. This is a fun game to play. Get some friends together and get goofy with it this weekend. But, I regret to inform you, this is where things start getting weird.

Fast & Furious (2009)

Some notes:

• No number in the title to let you know where this falls in the franchise
• Incredibly similar to the title structure of the first movie, but now without either “the” and with an ampersand in the middle
• Left Fast & 4ious right there on the table even though the precedent had been set in the second movie

I’m getting upset.

Fast Five (2011)

Okay. We’re back. Kind of. We are kind of back. We’ve got the actual number of the film in the title. We are streamlining and simplifying. We have a structure we can come back to going forward. Fast Six, Fast Seven, and so on. We can build from this. The key is to take these lessons and remember them for the n-…

Fast & Furious 6 (2013)

Dammit. Back to the bullet points:

• The ampersand is back
• “Furious” is back
• We swapped from spelling out the numbers to just using the number itself

Madness.

Furious 7 (2015)

[rubs temples]

Here we go:

• Ampersand gone again
• We have a similar title structure to Fast Five, except now we’re using the other word from the original title and we’re not spelling out the number anymore
• The wheels are coming off of this thing entirely

I don’t see how it can possibly g-

The Fate of the Furious (2017)

Jesus Christ, Vin. Look:

• We are introducing a whole new title structure after dancing between various uses of “fast” and “furious” and a number
• The whole thing is based on a pun, with this being the eighth movie and “fate” kind of looking like “F8”
• They left F8 of the Furious right there on the table even though it was sitting straight up and screaming at them

You cannot possibly imagine how angry this makes me.

F9 (2021)

Well, I suppose I respect that they threw in the towel here. No words, no puns, no ampersands. Just one letter and one number. It’s kind of a power move, in a way, like they’re saying, “We don’t even need a word in this one. You guys know what we’re doing.” I can respect it. I think. I also like that it’s the shortest and most simple title in the franchise and it’s a movie where Ludacris and Tyrese go to space in a Pontiac. That’s funny. We are doing better.

Fast X (2023)

For the love of God. Okay:

• We are now introducing Roman numerals as if spelling out some numbers and not spelling out others was not confusing enough
• “Fast” is back as the only word in the title for the first time since Fast Five, over 10 years earlier
• They had Fas10 Your Seatbelts right there staring them in the face and they chose to ignore it

There’s still time to fix this. Please. For me. Either retroactively re-title these to create some order or get even weirder to embrace the chaos fully. Come on. Vin.

VIN.

I am trying to help you, buddy.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — I cannot stop listening to the music from The Flight Attendant

The Flight Attendant is back. This is good news because, as we’ve discussed a few times now, The Flight Attendant was a freaking blast in its first season, just a blast of fizzy and fun murder energy with Kaley Cuoco drinking her way through an international investigation. The second season is somehow even wilder. She’s working with the CIA now! That’s kind of a spoiler, I guess, especially if you haven’t seen the first season, but I promise you won’t see when or how it comes up anyway. Good show.

Another good thing about the show: the music. The whole thing is littered with bouncy drums and tinkly pianos and the soundtrack sets the tone perfectly. This is doubly true of the theme music that plays at the beginning, which I have posted up there. It is so much fun, with its various dinky bonks and plunky plonks bopping around. It matches the energy of the show so well. It’s also fun to plop onto a random playlist you put on while you’re driving around. I know this because I did it a couple weeks ago. Every time it comes on I feel like I’m on a little secret mission, even if I’m just going to, like, Wawa. I like to feel mysterious. I might order a hoagie with my sunglasses on.

It’s important to have fun. I think that’s my point in all of this, to the extent I have one.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Finally, a movie for me

This is a clip from the movie The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. It looks almost exactly like a clip to promote a movie that existed to make me happy. Like, me, personally, Brian, in a way that it almost doesn’t matter if anyone else like this movie. I support and respect this a lot. More movies should do this. Putting a Muppet in the Fast & Furious movies would be a nice start. I mean, look at the description of this sucker.

Unfulfilled and facing financial ruin, actor Nick Cage accepts a $1 million offer to attend a wealthy fan’s birthday party. Things take a wildly unexpected turn when a CIA operative recruits Cage for an unusual mission. Taking on the role of a lifetime, he soon finds himself channeling his most iconic and beloved characters to save himself and his loved ones.

It’s such a good premise and such a blessing that Cage actually agreed to make it. Imagine if you had this idea and wrote it all out and he just wasn’t interested. It doesn’t work the same with any other actor, really. Cage is one of one here. I love that he’s leaning into it. I love that he’s having fun with it. I love that he’s going on talk shows again and being as weird and charming as he can possibly be. He’s a fascinating man. How many people have ever had to return a stolen dinosaur skull to the Mongolian government, you know?

Anyway, the other cool thing about this clip, besides the Cage of it all and the thing where it correctly identifies Paddington 2 as a cinematic masterpiece, is that they gave it directly to this guy to tweet out. You know about this guy, right? He’s been photoshopping Paddington into movies and TV shows every day for over a year now. It’s really just lovely. Here’s a recent one, for example.

To recap, I managed to shove all of the following things into this section:

• Paddington 2
• The thing about Nicolas Cage returning a stolen dinosaur skull to the Mongolian government
• John Wick

I remain relentlessly on-brand. I feel okay about it.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — This is actually from last week but I was off then and didn’t get to shout about it, so, like, here we are

I am just going to assume we all know about the Canadian Maple Syrup Heist. It will upset me a lot if you don’t already know about it. It was all over the news a few years ago. Vanity Fair did a whole longread on it. Netflix devoted an episode of a docuseries to it. I wrote about it so much, in part because it delighted me and in part because there were tons of dudes in it like the one in the screencap up there, which also delighted me. If I had known “maple syrup lawyer” was an option in life, I might actually be using my law degree. Probably not. But maybe.

Anyway, I bring this all up again for two reasons: One, because I really like bringing it up; and two, because last week Amazon announced that they are making a television series inspired by it.

The Fargo-ish story centers on Ruth Clarke, “a tough, supremely competent middle-aged Canadian maple syrup farmer who’s had it with being hemmed in by the polite, bureaucratic conventions native to her country’s identity. Especially now that that very bureaucracy is threatening to take away everything she loves: Her farm, her comatose husband, and her right to manifest destiny. With the help of Remy Bouchard, a pint-sized local blockhead and an aging Mike Byrne, a low-level mobster, Ruth changes her fate—and transforms the future of her community with the theft of millions of dollars’ worth of maple syrup.”

This is great. We need fewer shows about all the tech scammers of the world and more shows about goofballs stealing millions of dollars worth of condiments. I am serious about this. Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME. Ocean’s Eleven but with idiots. That’s a show. That’s kind of this show. It’s a good start.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Rest in peace, king

Robert Morse passed away this week. That’s a bummer, mostly, because Robert Morse was cool. Most of us knew him as Bert Cooper from Mad Men, the eccentric head of the agency who had wise words for everyone and erotic tentacle art in his office. That scene up there is probably the best-known one involving his character, with good reason. Look at it. Watch it now. It’s wonderful.

It was also a good excuse for him to show off his chops. The man was super talented. Go read the tribute The Hollywood Reporter put up right after his death. Look at this guy.

Morse became a show business sensation with his turn as the ambitious J. Pierrepont Finch, who goes from New York window washer to chairman of the board of the World Wide Wicket Co. in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, based on Shepherd Mead’s best-selling book.

The show, which debuted in October 1961 and ran for more than 1,400 performances through March 1965, collected seven Tonys as well as the 1962 Pulitzer Prize for Drama, with Morse singled out for best actor in a musical.

That’s cool. The dude was at it for like 60 years, singing and dancing and bringing joy to people from the stage or on a screen. You could do a whole lot worse in a lifetime. You couldn’t do a whole lot better, to be perfectly honest.

Also, and this is admittedly a weird transition but I’ve watched that clip up there about 40 times this week and it’s on my mind again, Mad Men was such a weird show sometimes. In the best way. But it was. I think that gets lost in its legacy sometimes, buried under images of dudes in suits drinking liquor at work. Peggy stabbed someone with a long pokey stick. Pete fell down the stairs. There was a whole episode about Roger taking LSD. There was borderline slapstick comedy in there. It was a weird and ambitious show, man.

Also, sometimes there was singing and dancing, probably because, like, if you have an all-time great song and dance man hanging around on the set, why not? There are worse reasons to do cool stuff. Rest In Peace, king.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Brandon:

Brian, I know how much you love heists, because I’ve been on Twitter for at least five minutes. I believe that there aren’t enough heist movies, and not nearly enough good ones. So, I propose to you the following idea that might make us fabulously wealthy:

THE HEIST CINEMATIC UNIVERSE

Hollywood likes serialized storytelling, ensemble casts and post-credit sequences. Now, the Dark Universe immediately failed, and took away the chance to see what unhinged movies were waiting down the line, so we’re going to take that chance away- every one of these movies is released in the same calendar year. They’re all released on holidays (we’re sticking to fun holidays, because stealing stuff on, like, Memorial Day seems like the wrong tone), leading to a finale you’ll be pumped about. Start with:

NEW YEAR’S DAY of whatever year: During the Rose Bowl, a teaser drops for the first film, releasing on…

ST. PATRICK’S DAY: Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flannery reprise their roles as The Boondock Saints. In order to pull of the heist of a lifetime, they’ll wait for the city of Boston to be distracted at the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Co-starring Wilhelm Dafoe, the various detectives and anyone in Hollywood that has a Boston accent in their backpocket and a free day for a cameo. After the heist, and celebration (and the credits), the brothers are alone in the room when they see a mysterious business card. Handwritten on it is “Nice job for the minors. If you want to play in the majors, let me know. Let’s play ball”. They turn over the card, and the golden reflection shows on their faces, as they turn to each other and smile.

FOURTH OF JULY: A merry band of thieves, all played by actors/actresses that have been in big summer blockbusters (this is where you’d use the F&F people), led by Bill Pullman conspire to steal the Hope Diamond, moon rocks, and Dorothy’s ruby slippers from the Smithsonians during the celebration and fireworks. (Someone is legally required to steer an aircraft between fireworks at some point). Post-credits: Pullman relaxes after the heist, when a female voice breaks the silence- “That was very impressive. Perhaps you’d be interested in another opportunity” Pullman stares up at the figure we merely see in shadow as she hands him a card. “We’ll be in touch.” With that, she exits, pausing to toss an empty Pepsi One into a trashcan, and Pullman looks down to see a gold embossed crown on the card and raises his eyebrow.

HALLOWEEN: The goddamn Muppets are going to steal a giant piece of rock candy shaped like a diamond. This one will win all of the Oscars, a Nobel Peace Prize, a Grammy (this one’s a musical, get the Lopez-Andersons and Lin-Manuel in a room) and the Heisman. Cameo by Dick van Dyke as the bad guy Baron Von Monocle (he insists that it’s pronounced Mo-nok-LE, it is not). Post credits: Kermit and Fozzie are counting the rubber chickens when a shadowy man with a vaguely…American? Irish? accent says “Kermit, my friend, the time has come for me to call in that favor.” Kermit looks at Fozzie and gulps.

THANKSGIVING: Cast of people known most for holiday movies come together to steal a piece of art from the Metropolitan Museum of Art during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I’m thinking Will Ferrell or Laura Linney lead this team. Post-credits, the whole team is greeted by a distant voice. “You know, anyone could have done it that way, but where’s the fun? Let me tell you how…I did it” The team looks stunned as the man steps from the shadows. Second post-credits, a helicopter lands near a cabin in the middle of the woods. Someone walks from the chopper to the cabin, and as they enter, a voice from inside says “Look, I don’t care what you want. You’ve done enough to me, ‘kay? I’m done with the law and I’m done with you” The chair turns to reveal a clearly worse-for-wear Denis Leary. The woman replies, “We’d like to make things even for you, just playing for the same team” A man enters behind her, “Well, my tie is off, so it’s a big day. Took longer than 10 years though.” The camera pans up to reveal Rene Russo and Pierce Brosnan. “We need you, to pull this one last job” CUT TO BLACK

NEW YEAR’S EVE- The casts of the prior films unite to steal the ball before it can drop. THE HEIST OF A LIFETIME. Seacrest is the villain (just ask STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, HE KNOWS). It’s incredible and everyone loves it, the end…but wait, is that a business card in the ball? TO BE CONTINUED?

This is absolutely, 100% too long for THE RUNDOWN, but I’ve been noodling it over for a while now and it was time to hand over the reins to an expert.

This email accomplishes three important things. One: it is long and thought-out enough that I can just post it without doing any real additional legwork, which I appreciate. Two, it made me laugh a lot at my desk, which I also appreciate. Three, it references one of my favorite tweets ever, and gives me another excuse to post it on the internet.

All in all, just a terrific email. Thank you, Brandon.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Michigan!

Police are investigating the theft of a 7-foot-tall (2.13 meter-tall) metal sasquatch lawn ornament from a home in southern Michigan.

SASQUATCH HEIST

WE GOT A SASQUATCH HEIST

The item crafted from sheet metal was stolen from a home in St. Joseph County’s Park Township on or after March 22, Michigan State Police said.

SHEET METAL

IT WAS A SHEET METAL SASQUATCH

WHICH IS AN INCREDIBLE NAME FOR A HARDCORE BAND

BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

I MEAN, IT IS, BUT IT’S NOT

SHEET METAL SASQUATCH HEIST

It has a rusty brown color with various sharp edges to resemble the fur of the mythical, ape-like bigfoot.

It appeared the sasquatch was cut away from a steel post with a pair of bolt cutters or a similar instrument, police said.

God, I love this. It was a whole operation. I imagine like six dudes in a warehouse mapping out the whole thing for weeks, complete with test runs and little scale models. I’m picturing The Italian Job, basically, but for the theft of a sheet metal Sasquatch. This has altered my entire week. I must know everything about it.

A white panel van with dark driver- and passenger-side windows was observed parked in the area on March 22, police said.

THEY STAKED IT OUT

THEY HAD A VAN

TO STEAL A SHEET METAL SASQUATCH

I HEREBY DECLARE THEM NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF HILARITY

A VAN

COME ON

It was all of yesterday when we were marveling at Netflix spending $30 million per episode for Stranger Things season four. “Hold my mead,” says Lord of the Rings.

In an article about the cost of the Game of Thrones spinoff series, House of the Dragon (more on that later), Variety confirmed that the first season of Prime Video’s upcoming The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power will be eight episodes long with a budget of $465 million. That’s $58 million PER EPISODE. Two episodes of the Lord of the Rings show will cost more than the entire eight-episode final season of Game of Thrones.

Speaking of Thrones, House of the Dragon has a $20 million/per episode budget. How will it cost less than Stranger Things, despite the numerous dragons flying around? Not to mention all the expensive wigs. “The production insider says HBO is now so adept at these world-building series through years of not just Game of Thrones, but also producing Westworld and His Dark Materials, that the team can make a high-quality series as efficiently and effectively as possible,” Variety reports.

The smallest person can change the course of the future, but only the biggest streaming services can spend gobs of money on adaptations of fantasy novels.

The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power premieres on Prime Video on September 2, while House of the Dragon debuts on HBO on August 21.

(Via Variety)

As the current Hollywood It Girl Anya Taylor-Joy gears up to play Furiosa in the upcoming Mad Max: Fury Road prequel, many fans have been wondering if she would shave her infamous long blonde locks. While the actress has declined to comment in the past, the movie’s costume designer has given a cryptic answer.

Jenny Beavan, the costume designer for the upcoming movie, says, “She wants to, but George [Miller] doesn’t want her to,” Beavan told Variety. “So I don’t know whether she will or not.” Perhaps she can go the Queen’s Gambit route and wear a ton of wigs?

The movie will be a prequel to 2015’s hit dystopian action film Mad Max: Fury Road which featured Charlize Theron as Furiosa. Theron famously shaved her head for the role, which also starred Tom Hardy post-Dark Knight Rises, but pre-Venom. The movie was the fourth installment in George Miller’s Mad Max franchise, which began in 1979 with Mad Max, starring Mel Gibson as the titular antihero.

Taylor-Joy was cast in 2020 to play a younger version of Furiosa. Miller famously wanted to use CGI to de-age Theron for the film, though after seeing The Irishman, Miller believed that type of technology isn’t quite there yet (probably for the best). Chris Hemsworth and Tom Burke have also been cast in the prequel, which is expected to begin filming this year, with a 2024 release date.

At long last, Rudy Giuliani was unmasked this week on The Masked Singer after his rendition of “Bad To The Bone” (what a set of words that is), and it wasn’t mere 4/20 eye-squinting trickery. Judge Ken Jeong was not having it and walked off the stage in protest after stating that, nope, he definitely wasn’t looking at Robert Duvall.

Can you imagine being put in that position as a judge? And Robin Thicke isn’t enjoying such a good look after reports that he’d walked out didn’t turn out to be true, and yeah, it’s a pickle alright. You think you signed up for some light entertainment, and then the leader of Trump’s Strike Force pops onstage. Not cool! Regardless, Rudy’s performance (if you can call it that) didn’t receive praise from anyone, and via this clip posted by former federal judge Ron Filipkowski, the unofficial Four Seasons Landscaping mascot explained why he took the plunge in the first place.

“I like doing comedy,” Rudy explained while pointing out that he appeared on SNL and The Late Show With David Letterman over the years. He went on to accuse Jeong of “suffering from Late Stage Trump Derangement Syndrome, for which they have not developed a vaccine.” What a joker.

Naturally, Jeong’s refusal to visibly remain on the set with Giuliani said a lot, as did the fact that the former America’s Mayor sowed plenty of Trump-fueled chaos along with the MyPillow guy. And no one is a fan of Giuliani’s “comedy” attempts, it seems, although people do love his inadvertent appearances as the butt of a joke. Lots of Borat and hair-dye jokes surfaced.

It’s also worth noting that Giuliani’s appearance was met with the lowest viewership for this season of The Masked Singer.