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Everything You Need To Know About Investing In Whiskey

Investing in whiskey might sound like a joke to a lot of people, but it’s very real. It’s also a little less straightforward than, say, buying a gold bar. Though not by much. Whiskey is a commodity like any other — artwork, classic cars, crypto — that can appreciate or depreciate over the years, with a sale value that rises or declines based on the whims of the people who buy it. It’s a very real market with a lively trade.

In fact it’s not uncommon these days to see headlines like “Liquid Assets: Why Now Is The Time To Start Investing In Whiskey,” “Investing in maturing Scotch whisky can achieve high returns” or “Drink up! Whiskey investing brings huge returns.” Moreover, Forbes reported just last December that the “benchmark index of rare whiskies” recorded a whopping 564% increase over the last decade. Gold, on the other hand, increased by a mere 360% over the same time period, and you can’t even drink it.

Look, we get it, that’s a lot of intangible myth-making and throwing around of numbers for a product that was originally designed to just pour down your throat. But in reality, there’s a massive market for both bottles and barrels that are pretty much created for investment/collecting to turn a profit in the near or distant future. Certainly you can just drink this rare and expensive stuff too, but you might literally be pissing away a year’s college tuition in 2040.

To help us figure all of this out, I consulted a good friend of mine who’s also one of the foremost investment whisk(e)y experts in the entire world, Nate Gana. Gana and I judged at the San Francisco World Spirits Competition this year and have traded a bottle or two over the years. More importantly, Gana is on the cutting edge of who’s buying what, and which brands are making the spirits, barrels, and bottles that are actually going to be worth something two, five, 10, 20, or 50 years from now.

So let Gana and I guide you through getting into whiskey investing with a few, well eight, tips for the whiskey-investing curious.

“Dusties” Are Complicated

Old Crow
Zach Johnston

One of the first terms you are probably going to hear once you take your first step into this world is “dusties.” One part of that is that they’re talked about on all the whiskey podcasts and coveted by newbies. Another part of it is that shops like Justins’ House of Bourbon in Louisville and Lexington or online shops like The Whisky Exchange have done a great job curating collections of rare old bottles you can actually buy off the shelf right now.

But just because a cool old bottle is on The Whisky Exchange’s webstore or on the shelf at Justins’ doesn’t mean it’s a must-buy for an investor.

“Dusties are complicated,” Gana says. “Or at least they can be. Some dusties don’t necessarily appreciate too quickly in value.”

Gana offers an example, “Finding an old Glenmorangie oftentimes is more fun than valuable because the liquid is fantastic … but it’s not really one of those bottles that appreciates too quickly on the aftermarket.”

And there’s the rub. Fancy old bottles feel like a no-brainer but you have to be careful. One tactic I take, which I learned from Gana early, was to look for the bottles that are still open at high-end whiskey bars. If some bar in New York, Seattle, Louisville, or Glasgow are opening and pouring vintage whisk(e)y, that means there’s an ever diminishing stock of that vintage/bottle in the world. For instance, there are only so many Pappy Van Winkle’s left in existence that were made from barrels before the move to Buffalo Trace. They moved in 2002 and release 10, 12, 13, 15, 20, and 23-year-old expressions (and a 25 back in the day, but good luck there). Do that math. Finding a Pappy, in general, is one of those always sunny investments, but finding a pre-Buffalo Trace dusty is a play to make.

Naturally, there’s more to these dusties than just old Pappy. Gana has some tips, “There are some universal brands that are always hot like Macallan, Yamazaki, Hibiki, Pappy, Willett, Michter’s, Springbank, and Balvenie.”

You’re Going To Need To Stand In A Line (Maybe Overnight)

Michter's 20
Michters

Standing in line overnight at a state-run liquor store is a right of passage for a lot of collectors and investors. State-run shops in places like Ohio and Virginia will put their allocations on the shelf at MSRP — or extremely near to — on a first-come, first-serve basis. Hell, I’ve heard of people who have distillery delivery truck times and routes in a spreadsheet from each of the main Kentucky distilleries mapped out so they know exactly when those bottles are hitting shelves.

That’s because lining up for a rare release is where you can make serious money down the road. But Gana warns that while it absolutely can be profitable, “it all depends on the release.” A good litmus is to look at how many bottles are being released, how often the release happens, and whether people are actually excited about it or not.

Another tactic Gana suggests are distillery-only releases. “A better bet nowadays is lining up for distillery exclusives at the distillery itself.”

He continues with a big tip, “Take the Bardstown Collection, for example, five unique releases within two days, at specific release times, to complete an incredibly rare set.”

Granted, to actually get that release you’d have to be in or near Bardstown with a lot of time to kill, but we may never see the Bardstown Collection again, or at least not that version. I know people who book rooms across the street from a distillery experience on Whiskey Row in Louisville to watch the bottle shop from their room’s window for when a line forms. That way they know when to run down and grab whatever special release is dropping. Why? Becasue it’ll be there at MSRP and not marked up.

Lastly, new Pappy releases (the line is released every year around October/November) usually don’t even make it to liquor store shelves. They’re released via a lottery to, well, avoid the chaos of people lining up for them. As for the lottery systems, Gana says this, “It’s always worth putting your name in the hat!”

Build Relationships At Local Liquor Stores

Bardstown
Nate Gana

So how do you even know when to go line up at your local liquor store for that special release? You’ll need to talk to the people who run those stores, sign up for loyalty programs so that you receive store news, and, most importantly, focus on locally owned and run stores.

Gana is emphatic about this last point. “If it is a mom and pop shop, it’s very important to build a close relationship. Extremely important. I can’t stress this enough. The flip side is there is little to no loyalty at your local big-box store.”

As with so much in life, it’s about the relationships you make. That’s especially true when it comes to finding rare bottles at fair prices.

Build A Community For Buying, Trading, and Selling Bottles

Hibiki
Zach Johnston

So you found a few bottles. Now what? This was something that always vexed me too. I would see some release and know that it was meant for investment but I had no contacts in that world. And there’s no stock exchange. There aren’t shops downtown I could just pop into like gold or silver exchanges. That means it is on you to research, reach out, and do a little digging.

Though it has become far easier than even five years ago, much less 10. “This part is becoming easier,” Gana says. “But it still is not common knowledge. Your best bet is to send bottles to the UK auction houses, or to Sotheby’s in NYC.”

Gana warns though that different brokerage houses will “charge different commissions on both ends for the buyer and seller.”

Beyond that, this really is about who you know, where you are, and what the market is looking for in relation to what you have. That said, I’ve bought and sold bottles to/from bars before, to private collectors, and just between friends. But that was after years in the industry and building those relationships.

Barrel Pick Vs. Buying A New Barrel

Dickel
Zach Johnston

Beyond dusties and rare or limited releases, there are also barrels. This generally falls into two categories. A barrel pick means you’ll get 150 to 250 bottles from a barrel you pick that you then make some cash off via a charity or your business or selling via a whiskey club back home.

Then there’s buying a new-fill barrel that’ll be on the market in four, six, 10, 20, or 50 years from now. With both processes, each distillery will have its own team and rules for how they do both of these things.

These are two very different prospects though. For one, everyone is doing barrel picks these days. Bars, restaurants, every random whiskey club around the world, all the podcasters, influencers, stay-at-home dad clubs, music stars everyone. Distilleries will roll out four to 10 barrels, you can go in with the team, do a pick, have lunch with the distiller after a tour, sign your barrel, and wait for delivery of your bottles. The thing is, those barrels will be barrels the distillery want to sell. And that’s fine because there’ll be at least one that you’ll fall in love with.

Still, Gana notes that there’s a “massive difference” between the two offerings. He breaks it down like this, “I don’t find a lot of value in buying barrels for today [barrel picks] unless you want to make $1,500-$2,000 after everything is sold. I’m not knocking that, but you would need to do several of those per year to make it worth the time. Aging [investing in new fill barrels] is always on your side, as we know that patience pays big time in this game!”

Investing in a new fill barrel is all about playing the long game. It’s also a little more of a gamble, we’re not going to deny that. The angel’s share is real, with anywhere from two to five or even six percent disappearing out of that barrel every year (depending on where it’s resting). Then you have to be savvy enough to know when it’s time to bottle it or risk having to blend it out with other barrels that you may not have. The good part is that you can spend the years while the whiskey is aging gaining all that knowledge to make sure you sell/bottle at the right time.

But the long game is about more than letting your new barrel of whiskey come to age, which leads us to…

Where Do You Even Find These Barrels?

Barrel Pick
Sazerac

This is another facet of whiskey investing that left me scratching my head at first. Surely you can’t just walk into Buffalo Trace and buy a barrel of Weller, right? Yes, you can. Moreover, how do you know what’s going to actually be a good financial investment in two or 20 years from now?

I’m going to let Gana answer this one!

“Most of the barrels that would make the most are ones that the general public cannot pick anymore. Brands like Michter’s, Macallan, or Springbank would generally never — or very rarely — let you buy a barrel, aged or new.” Gana continues, “Buffalo Trace has a lot of quick flip upside to barreling and selling for a bar program, restaurant, or even club. Four roses recently limited its buying program to a select few, which I think was a great move for the brand to make it even more coveted than it already is.”

The best way to find barrel picks or which distillers are letting you invest in bottles is, again, research. Sometimes that research is as easy as Googling “Jack Daniel’s Barrel Pick.” Sometimes it’s about creating a relationship with the brand team by following their brand ambassadors on IG (or just whiskey influencers), going to the distillery often, and following the news about them.

It’s not all cloak and daggers though. Gana has some more tips. “Brands that are long-term winners are good American single malt whiskies like Virginia Distillery, Westward, or Balcones. Bardstown Bourbon Company is another good place to start.” Gana then turns to Scotland. “Rare aged statement brands from Diageo scotch under their Casks of Distinction program are a good bet, and most certainly Gordon and Macphail!”

Beware Of Fakes

Pappy
Sazerac Company

How do you spot a fake? Even Gana says that this is a hard question. Fakes are everywhere these days. Brands like Buffalo Trace, which makes Pappy, have been fighting it with tech. But even then, there’s still an inherent risk with tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars on the line.

Gana’s advice is straightforward, “Usually, my private purchases are from people I trust the most who also have good reputations in the industry.” He continues, “I rarely buy from someone I don’t know. I have seen a ton of people get screwed before.”

I’ve been lucky enough to have heard this advice early and heed it with every transaction I make. Still, even the best of us get hoodwinked from time to time. So this once again goes back to building that community of people you know and more importantly truly trust. Damn, this is starting to sound like you need to build a whiskey mafia to invest in this stuff!

What’s Hot Now?

Barrel Woodford
Zach Johnston

So where do you start? That’s always the biggest question, isn’t it? Well, you already have started if you’re reading this. The next step is to follow Gana on IG and start following other whiskey folks and brands too. But then you actually have to start investing at some point.

Is it worth paying $6,000 for a bottle of Pappy 23 on the aftermarket right now and waiting for it to hit 10k in a few years? Maybe. But what you really want to do is get a bottle of Pappy via a local state-run liquor store lottery at $299.99. That way you’ve made $5,700 when you walk out that door, which means a lot more in your account when it does hit $10,000 in a few years. That applies to any bottle in that range from Kentucky, Scotland, Japan, or wherever.

Still, there are sectors that Gana is excited about more than others. “Bourbon bottles are by far the most intriguing to me right now,” Gana says.

A big part of that is that bourbon has a long, long way to go to catch up with Scotch and Japanese whisky when it comes to investment ceilings. “Following that,” Gana continues, “it is American single malt barrels and private barrels of Scotch whisky from independent bottlers.”

While we’re not going to hold your hand, you just got a lot of great keywords to get yourself into this right now in that last sentence alone, much less all the ones above it. You have Google in your hand right now. Get started. And good luck!

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A post shared by Nate Gana (@nategana)

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Pusha T Wanted To Reunite With Kendrick Lamar On ‘It’s Almost Dry’

Pusha T reached a milestone this past week, with It’s Almost Dry going No. 1 on the Billboard 200 chart. In a recent interview with GQ, readers learned that the G.O.O.D Music President was looking to lyrically spar with a fellow chart-topper by the name of Kendrick Lamar on the album.

Having previously worked together on 2013’s fan-favorite “Nosetalgia,” this would surely be a welcome reunion for supporters of both. Unfortunately, the impact of “Nosetalgia” lead to this potential collaboration’s undoing as Push said he “couldn’t find a song that differed enough.” Clearly, Pusha T isn’t too torn up about it, riding a huge wave of momentum and soaking in all the positivity from those who have heard his album. He put out a post on Instagram this past week thanking all who were involved.

Luckily, Kendrick Lamar fans won’t have to wait much longer for new K Dot music either as he is set to release Mr. Morale And The Big Steppers, his final TDE album, on May 13. There is currently no single, tracklist, or inkling of who will appear on the album. The rumors of it being a rock-influenced album haven’t been revisited either, so this is truly a game of wait and see.

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No One Could Believe ‘Jersey Shore’ Reality Star Pauly D Appeared As An Inflation Expert On Fox News

Jersey Shore star Pauly D recently appeared on Jesse Watters Primetime where the DJ and tanning enthusiast was asked about his thoughts on inflation because nothing is real anymore. While the interview took place almost a week ago, it only just now started making the rounds on Twitter after a screencap of Pauly D’s appearance went viral thanks to hilariously surreal chyron that reads “DJ Pauly D On Inflation.”

For the record, the interview is real, which we confirmed by tracking down the video of DJ Pauly D talking inflation with Watters on Fox News’ website. According to the video description, the reality star shared his thoughts on “parents financially supporting their adult children, inflation and the latest tanning trends” during the five minute long segment. (For those curious, DJ Pauly D is deeply concerned about how much his “pool guy” is charging these days. Of course.)

Obviously, probing the mind of Jersey Shore cast members for their insights on the economy doesn’t happen every day as you can see by the reactions on social media below. As one Twitter user wondered, is CNN going to ask Snooki about peace in the Middle East next?

In a more on-brand moment, Watters made sure to ask Pauly D on testicle tanning, which was brought to light thanks to fellow Fox News personality Tucker Carlson. Pauly D surprisingly didn’t knock the new trend because he read it raises your testosterone “something like 200%.” That said, it’s not for him.

“I put a sock down there when I tan,” the DJ admitted.

(Via Justin Whang on Twitter)

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Charles Oliveira Was Stripped Of The Lightweight Title Ahead Of UFC 274 After Failing To Make Weight

Saturday night’s main event at UFC 274 got thrown a major curveball during weigh-ins on Friday afternoon. Charles Oliveira, the promotion’s lightweight champion, failed to make weight in the lead-up to his highly-anticipated bout against Justin Gaethje, and as a result, he was stripped of the title that he’s held for nearly a year.

Oliveira’s first attempt to make weight saw him come in at 155.5 pounds, a half-pound above the maximum weight for a featherweight. After being an hour to try and drop that little bit of weight, Do Bronx attempted to weight in again but saw the scale read 155.5 pounds once again.

As Aaron Bronsteter explained in his tweet, this means that Oliveira has been stripped of his title, giving him the unfortunate distinction of being the first champion in UFC history to lose their title because of an inability to make weight. The fight will go on as planned, but Oliveira is not able to win back his belt. Gaethje, however, is still able to win the title in the event that he’s able to win the fight — Gaethje has ever been UFC’s undisputed lightweight champion, but did hold the interim championship in 2020 before losing to Khabib Nurmagomedov in the final fight of his career.

Oliveira is the favorite to win Saturday night’s fight, coming in at -165. Gaethje hold +140 odds to pull the upset.

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These Photos From Desert Hearts Festival Will Make You Feel Weird…In A Good Way

Festival season is in full swing, with events happening everywhere from Mexico to Miami to the Caribbean. This past weekend, on April 28 through May 2, festival-goers flocked to Lake Perris, California for the Desert Hearts Festival.

Tucked in the Southern California desert beneath a picturesque mountain landscape, less than two hours from both Los Angeles and San Diego, Lake Perris provides an open canvas for nonstop dancing and galavanting. The venue also includes useful amenities like premium campsites, bathrooms with showers, and daytime access to the nearby beach and lake.

Celebrating its 10-year anniversary, Desert Hearts inspired vibrant ensembles, a circus-like ambiance, and downright good vibes. “PLUR” was the central theme of the weekend. The event featured renowned electronic music acts including Carl Craig, Omar S, DJ Harvey, Danny Daze, Robag Wruhme, Kenny Larkin, Township Rebellion, Juan MacLean, Doc Martin, Anja Schneider, Francesa Lombardo, Yulia Niko, Latmun, and many more.

These epic performances combined with rambunctious attendees dressed in their wackiest festive attire made for a weekend to remember. If you’re in need of a serotonin boost and some stylish weirdness, the 55 Desert Hearts Festival photos below are sure to do the trick.

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Top Chef Houston Power Rankings, Week 10: In Space, No One Can Hear You Crumb

It’s week 10 and we’re down to just six chefs on Top Chef Houston. Which is a shame — I feel like things are just (finally?) heating up. I’m hoping that by the time the finale rolls around, that Jurassic Park episode will seem like a distant memory. Maybe that was by design, and that’s why they stuck it in the middle like that. Maybe these producers are smarter than I’ve been giving them credit for.

Hey, I get it, sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to for the money. Just ask my editor’s mom.

Aaaanyway, this week’s episode took the contestants first to Houston’s historic Farmer’s Market for a fajita challenge, to be judged by Claudette Zepeda-Wilkins and her fancy eyeglass frames. She explained that the word “fajita” comes from the word for skirt, or girdle (just like my editor’s mom wears to hold her gut in), which originally referred to the skirt steaks that people grilled in the market stalls.

Each contestant would scour the market and create their own little girdles for Padma and Claudette to eat, with the winner receiving $10,000 courtesy of Chipotle. Mmm, that’s a lotta girdles. In exchange for the sponsorship, Chipotle received one or two fairly low-key mentions and a plug for their humanely sourced meats or whatever. Which was… nice, actually. The product was relevant to the challenge and no one had to dress up in a guacamole costume or whatever.

See? Product placement can work.

At the mention of the 10 grand, the chefs all wondered aloud if “The Mississippi Baker,” Chef Nick, would win yet another cash prize. He’s called “The Mississippi Baker,” we learned, because he always “gets his bread,” having won the two previous cash Quickfires, in episodes five and six. Hey, fuckers, knock it off, I’m the one giving the nicknames around here.

After that, it was time for a SPACE CHALLENGE. That’s right, Houston, you might remember, is the city astronauts are talking to when they say things like, “Houston, we have a problem.”

Kudos to the Top Chef producers, judges, and contestants, by the way, for making it all the way through a space-based Top Chef episode set in Houston without ever going for a “Houston, we have a problem” pun. Amazing job. Clearly, I lack that kind of restraint. The challenge was introduced by guest judge Marcus Samuelsson, who arrived dressed like this:

Marcus Samuelsson Padma Lakshmi Top Chef Houston 2022
NBC Universal

Let’s see… brimmed hat, stars on the jacket, some sort of bovine camouflage pattern on the pants… Oh, “Space Cowboy!” I get it.

Samuelsson was there to introduce the space-food challenge, after which the contestants all headed off to NASA to meet some astronauts and chit-chat about zero Gs and Tang and whatnot. Melissa King was there, to challenge Marcus Samuelsson to a “who looks better in a patterned blazer and Aloha shirt” contest.

Marcus Samuelsson Melissa King
NBC Unversal

I have to give Melissa King the edge here, not that I wouldn’t absolutely brain a guy at Dan Flashes for Samuelsson’s fish shirt, because I would. Is there a lady version of “Big Dick Energy?” Melissa King has it.

Anyway, the judges tasked the contestants with preparing some food fit for space, to be judged by two astronauts, whose names I don’t feel like looking up but suffice to say neither of whom were the famous astronaut diaper lady. The winning dish would “become the basis for a dish that would be served on the space station,” and the only stipulations were that the dishes should be free of crumbs and liquid. Turns out, the delicate space equipment hates crumbs and liquid.

Honestly, “no crumbs or liquid” seemed a little wishy-washy, as guidelines go. How crumb and liquid free are we talking here? Nothing but nougat?

In practice, “liquid” ended up being something of a relative term, with most of the chefs adding a roux or parsnips or okra or whatever to make their stews and braises extra thicc. And thus, presumably, not legally considered a “liquid.” I wonder if that would fly at the airport. I love to imagine myself pleading with the TSA agent, “What’s the problem officer? As you can see, I clearly thickened this Gatorade with a nice oxtail roux.” If they really wanted to control for liquidity, they should’ve had the diaper lady judge. Each chefs gets extra points for however long she’s able to drive afterward without peeing. Call me, producers, I have many ideas.

For the most part, the results shook out exactly how you might expect, had you been reading these columns. That is, with one notable exception.

RESULTS

Quickfire Top: Nick, Buddha, Evelyn.
Quickfire Bottom: Damarr, Ashleigh, Jae.

Elimination Challenge Top: Nick, Buddha*, Evelyn.
Elimination Challenge Bottom: Damarr, Ashleigh, Jae**.

*Winner.
**Eliminated.

6. (-1) ((Eliminated)) Jae Jung

Jae Jung Top Chef Houston season 18
NBC Universal

AKA: Noodles. Jae West. Hilaria. Dr. Hibbert.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Bulgogi with gochujang barley.

Critiques: “I wasn’t sure what the texture was supposed to be.” “The barley was undercooked.” “Beef was very mushy.” “The carrots were the best part.”

Ah, Jae. What will we do without her? (And that is a sadly definitive “without her” this time, my screener came late this week so I actually got to watch Last Chance Kitchen before submitting this piece this week, and SPOILER ALERT, Jae didn’t win).

Jae was… kinda weird. Weird-cool? Sure. We shall miss her constant laughter and huskily voiced paeans to cheese. She was always weirdly horny for cheese.

It seemed like Jae was back on the right track after last week’s win, but as always, she seemed much more thrown by the challenge guidelines than anyone else. She made bulgogi as her take on comfort food, but thickened it with parsnips to keep it from being too liquidy, and paired it with barley for some reason, and she ended up with mushy meat over undercooked barley, the same texture as my editor’s mother’s… fine, fine, too much of this joke, I get it.

5. (+1) Ashleigh Shanti

Ashleigh Shanti Top Chef Houston 19
NBC Universal

AKA: Moonjuice. Sugar Hillcountry.

Elimination Challenge: Marinated tuna and shrimp with sweet potato slaw

Critiques: “I think there was too much of a focus on presentation, and it lacked a bit on flavor.” “It was a big piece of tuna and it was very bland.”

It was the same three chefs on top and on bottom for both challenges this week, which makes these rankings even easier than usual. If Jae’s kryptonite is not quite understanding challenge rules, Ashleigh’s is overthinking them.

Ashleigh this week took the space food challenge maybe a little too literally, serving the chefs poached tuna in a can with a bag of herbs served with a scissor. It felt like rather than cooking a dish that reminded astronauts of Earth, she was trying to make the Earth judges feel like they were in space. Look, Ashleigh, if I want to feel like I’m in space I’ll pee my pants.

The bigger problem (a weirdly pervasive one for Ashleigh) was cutting her meat too thick, as well as poaching it (not long enough) in a liquid that was insufficiently fatty (coconut water). Uncharacteristically for Ashleigh, this dish kinda looked and sounded bad to boot. Luckily for her Jae decided to make baby food beef with a side of barley starch so Ashleigh gets to stick around for another week.

4. (-1) Evelyn Garcia

Evelyn Garcia Top Chef Houston 19
NBC Universal

AKA: Cuddles.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Guiso Rojo

Critiques: “Had so much depth of flavor.” “Really well-rounded.”

Perhaps not surprisingly, the Hispanic native Houstonian did well in the fajita challenge. But then she kept it going in the elimination challenge. Like I said last week, Evelyn and Nick are so neck and neck that it’s hard to rank them. But Nick won the quickfire this week, so I guess I have to give him the slight edge. If this elimination challenge had been a menu, I would’ve been torn between Evelyn’s guiso rojo and Nick’s gumbo.

Whereas Nick’s point of view seemed pretty much fully-formed from the beginning, it feels like Evelyn is only just now learning to lean into Mexican food with Southeast Asian influences (she marinated her fajita meat in fish sauce, something something my editor’s mom). It seems to be working for her. I don’t know if that gives her the advantage because she’s peaking at the right time or puts her behind Nick by having to make up for lost time. My expert opinion is that her food looks very good and I would eat it.

3. (+1) Nick Wallace

Nick Wallace Top Chef 19 Houston
NBC Universal

AKA: Domingo. Chocolate Mormon. The Count. The Mississippi Baker (I can’t deny a good nickname, even if I didn’t coin it).

Elimination Challenge Dish: Mississippi Gumbo

Critiques: “Really delicious.” “Mississippi God damn!”

The Chocolate Mormon was the only chef who made fresh tortillas for the fajita challenge, a move that won him both $10,000 and my heart. For the elimination challenge, he made a “Mississippi Gumbo,” with black-eyed peas, chicken, okra, butter beans, and rice, something he said he lifted from his own menu at the Civil Rights Museum. Seems a little weird that we’re only just finding out that Nick is the chef at the Civil Rights Museum, kinda like having to find out that Sarah grew up in Jamaica from Last Chance Kitchen.

Spoiler alert, Sarah won Last Chance Kitchen, so she’ll be returning to the competition. Hopefully, she has learned to stop talking with her eyes closed.

I digress. Whatever happens, Nick has already earned himself thirty grand and created buzz for Nick’s 26, so it feels like he’s already a winner. Nick doesn’t need a win, he needs an agent.

2. (-1) Damarr Brown

Damarr Brown Top Chef Houston
NBC Universal

AKA: Catchphrase. James Beard. Screech.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Rice with chicken gravy and hot pickled peppers.

Critiques: “The rice is very overcooked.” “Wasn’t a lot of flavor.” “I guess I was looking for something a little more.” “Underwhelming.”

Obviously the big story this week was Damarr falling off after he’s been running neck and neck with Buddha the same way Evelyn and Nick are. The judges always claim to be judging based solely on the challenge at hand, but it felt like Damarr would’ve been the one to go home, for his overcooked rice with bland gravy, if he hadn’t built up so much goodwill up until this point. Which is good, Damarr going home would’ve sucked.

Maybe I’m just overvaluing Damarr because he seems like one of the most genuine human beings ever to appear on a reality show, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and predict that he’s still a favorite.

1. (+1) Buddha Lo

Buddha Lo Top Chef Houston Season 19
NBC Universal

AKA: Buddha. Mr. International. Big Pun. Asian Ben Mendelsohn. The Salad Nazi. Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Terminator.

Elimination Challenge Dish: “Pavlova 14.”

Critiques: “It was interactive and fun and playful.” “He told a great story. And it was fun.”

Last week I made the point that Buddha seems to be at his best when he does the opposite of comfort food. You probably couldn’t invent a challenge more tailor-made for Buddha’s particular set of skills than “cook food fit for space” and not surprisingly he rose to the occasion. With a dessert made of pavlova and white chocolate meant to evoke Alan Shepard’s golf ball on the moon during Apollo 14, which Buddha named “Pavlova 14.”

Remember when I nicknamed Buddha “Big Pun” in Week One? Remember?? VALIDATE MEEEE.

Buddha even dropped a “that’s a lotta masa” after the $10,000 prize was announced in the quickfire, and it’s exactly that kind of cleverness that tends to leaven Buddha’s otherwise Michael Jordan-esque level of single-minded, borderline psychotic competitiveness. Watching him put avocados in a food processor during the quickfire challenge hurt my soul a little bit, but for the most part, I can’t help but love a cuddly Australian with a lisp named “Buddha” who is actually a food assassin.

For as comparatively lacking in compelling personalities as this season has occasionally been, the finale shaping up as a battle between soulful comfort food savant Damarr and brilliant flawless space food scientist Buddha is pretty hard to beat, as narratives go. It’s like a classic striker vs. grappler matchup in MMA.

Will Buddha choke out Damarr with a rear-naked foam?? Or will Damarr knock Buddha into next week with a thundering right ham hock?? Time will tell. All I know is that I’m going to be watching the shit out of it, possibly with JUST BRAISE painted on my chest while I flex so hard I fart a little.

Just Bleed Guy From UFC 1
UFC

Read the rest of our Top Chef Power Rankings here. Vince Mancini is on Twitter.

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Elon Musk Did Not Ask Sky Ferreira Out, Actually

The day after the Met Gala, rumors broke out that Elon Musk asked Sky Ferreira out. This originated on a parody account of Pop Crave called @pop_crawe, which made a viral tweet that read, “It girl, model, singer, songwriter, Sky Ferreira declines date with Elon Musk after being asked by his team at the 2022’s Met Gala.” It quickly got picked up by some publications as a legitimate story.

Musk took to Twitter today to debunk this gossip, writing, “I didn’t ask anyone out or request particular seating,” and adding, “This rumor originated from a parody account, but got picked up by real media & twitter trends (sigh).” There you have it.

People likely were quick to believe this rumor probably because of Musk’s notorious relationship with alt-pop star Grimes, whose music is very much in the same realm as Ferreira’s. Grimes was considered an indie star for a while, so upon forming a relationship with a billionaire people couldn’t help speculating about the way she makes and releases music. On TikTok, she responded to a fan who asked why she was on a label: ““Need to get out of the gate-keeping of indie music and I need $ for music videos etc haha contrary to popular belief my bf doesn’t fund my career,” the “Oblivion” singer wrote.

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Selena Gomez Will Host ‘SNL’ Next Week With Musical Guest Post Malone

Actress/singer/cooking show host/former Barney cast member Selena Gomez has been tapped to host Saturday Night Live next week, May 14th, with musical guest Post Malone.

Gomez has performed on the show before, but this will be her first time hosting. The actress has been busy over the last year, launching a new mental health site and filming the second season of the surprisingly good Hulu series Only Murders In The Building alongside former SNL castmember Steve Martin and Martin Short. Perhaps Martin will show up for a cameo?

The second season of Only Murders will air this summer, featuring new cast members Cara Delevingne, Michael Rapaport, and Amy Schumer. The show follows a group of armchair detectives whose love of true crime podcasts lead them to solve various mysteries around their swanky New York City apartment building.

Post Malone is also slated to make his SNL debut ahead of his upcoming album, Twelve Carat Toothache, which drops June 3rd. He is gearing up to play a handful of festivals later this summer. The rapper also announced he is expecting his first child earlier this week.

It’s unclear if SNL favorite, and Post Malone’s pal, Pete Davidson will be back for this episode, as he is famously absent from a lot of the show. He’s been busy!

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Dave Chappelle Revealed That He Spoke With His Attacker About His Motive For The Stage Invasion

It’s been quite a week for Dave Chappelle, who was attacked onstage at Los Angeles’ Hollywood Bowl, and although Jamie Foxx did a spot-on impression of the comedian describing the incident, Dave has also given his more accurate take. Granted, this wasn’t a totally serious take because Chappelle kept the jokes flowing in a secret comedy show, where he called his attacker “a homeless guy with leaves in his hair.”

Still, Chappelle did appear to step back a bit, according to The Hollywood Reporter, when he described how he persuaded the venue’s security team to let him speak with Isaiah Lee, who suffered arm injuries in a post-stage invasion scuffle. Chappelle asked Lee to explain his actions, and here’s how he described the discussion:

“I needed to talk to him,” Chappelle said. He asked Lee what possibly could have prompted his attack, to which Lee — who Chappelle said appeared to him to be mentally ill — offered a story about his grandmother from Brooklyn, who had been forced out of her neighborhood by gentrification. The attack was meant to draw attention to her plight, Chappelle recounted.

The Orange County District Attorney’s Office declined to press felony charges against Lee. Deadline reports that, instead, Lee has been charged (by the LA City Attorney’s Office) with four misdemeanors involving weapons possession, unauthorized stage access, and battery. You can watch that video announcement from LA City Attorney Mike Feuer below.

(Via The Hollywood Reporter & Deadline)

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One Of Ted Cruz And Tucker Carlson’s Favorite January 6 Conspiracy Theories Has Been (Surprise!) Debunked

If Ted Cruz and Tucker Carlson are pushing the same conspiracy theory, there’s a 99.9 percent chance that it’s nonsense. Well, one of their favorites about the attempted coup on January 6 has been 100 percent debunked.

The theory involves Ray Epps, who the Cruzs and Carlsons (and Trumps and Taylor Greenes) of the world believe was a federal informant who helped instigate the riot. “The claims, made in congressional hearing rooms, on Fox News, and at Mr. Trump’s political rallies, have largely been based on a video taken just before violence erupted at the Capitol, showing Mr. Epps at the barricades outside the building whispering into the ear of a man named Ryan Samsel,” the New York Times reports. But two days after January 6, Epps phoned an FBI tip-line and told them what actually happened:

[Epps] called an F.B.I. tip line and told investigators that he had tried to calm Mr. Samsel down when they spoke, according to three people who have heard a recording of the call. Mr. Epps went on to say that he explained to Mr. Samsel that the police outside the building were merely doing their jobs… Then in late January of last year, in an interview with the F.B.I., Mr. Samsel said much the same thing, telling investigators that a man he did not know came up to him at the barricades and suggested he relax, according to a recording of the interview obtained by the New York Times.

Samsel testified that all Epps said was “dude” and “relax, the cops are just doing their job.” As the Washington Post notes, “It’s important to stress that Republicans and right-wing media have constructed a whole superstructure of other wild allegations on top of this Epps tale,” including that the House committee investigating January 6th is “covering up important evidence” about Epps. But nope, it appears that he’s just a MAGA-loving wedding venue owner from Arizona, not a criminal mastermind.

Carlson can move on to another obsessions, like testicle tanning.

(Via New York Times and Washington Post)