Day 2 of the January 6th select committee’s hearings — and a reportedly sh*tfaced Rudy Giuliani urging Donald Trump to simply declare victory on Election Night 2020 — were at the forefront of every late night talk show host’s mind and monologue on Monday, Jimmy Kimmel included. But Kimmel also made sure to reserve some time to talk about the fascinating/disgusting rumors coming out of Russia that pooping in a suitcase is part of Vladmir Putin’s brilliant plan to win the Russia Ukraine War.
According to Kimmel, there are rumors coming out of Russia that Putin “reportedly travels with a suitcase to poop in.” Yes, it sounds like a Triumph the Insult Comic Dog punchline, but this is actual news — and Putin has his reasons for adopting this repulsive habit, as Kimmel explained:
They think he does this because he doesn’t want his enemies to get information about his health status from analyzing his fecal matter. Because nothing screams ‘I’m in perfect health’ like traveling around the world with a suitcase full of your own bowel movements.
They say the way it works is a security guy carries a briefcase around… that’s a good gig. ‘Hey, Sergei. You’re on the poop bag today.’ It’s so interesting. I mean, if he goes to another continent with it, would that technically make it an ICBM?
It’s a story that elicits many questions but hardly any answers, though Kimmel thinks it could be a good product for people flying Spirit Airlines. You can watch the full clip above, beginning at the 9:10 mark.