Month: June 2022

Atlanta rapper Ralo finally received a sentence in his marijuana trafficking case. Ralo, who is signed to Gucci Mane’s 1017 label, was arrested back in 2018 and accused of trafficking over $2 million in marijuana. The charges alleged that he was selling drugs from an apartment complex he rented in Atlanta while also flying nearly 1,000 lbs. of marijuana from California. Despite his arrest in 2018, it would take Ralo almost four years to receive a court date, as he did at the start of the year. Less than fifth months later, a post to his Instagram account revealed that he was sentenced to eight years in federal prison.

Despite the nearly decade-long sentence, it will be cut in more than half thanks to time served that was granted to him. “The Judge sentenced Ralo to 8 years in Federal Prison, he was given over 4 years credit time served,” the post reads. “The BOP has also credited him 1 & 1/2 year for good time.” The message goes on to reveal that he will most likely be home late next year, with the possibility of his exit from prison being as early as less than a year from now.

“He was recommended 1 year ankle monitor after the halfway house approve his home address; which will bring him home to us late next year,” the post reads. “But our goal is for him to complete his GED or RDAP Drug program so we can get another year off his sentence. That will bring him home to us in less than a year. We need prayer.”

It remains to be seen how it will all play out, but the silver lining of it all is that Ralo will be home much sooner than expected.

You can view the post from Ralo’s account above.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Yo Gotti, Moneybagg Yo, Mozzy, and Lil Poppa have a heater on their hands. The crew just dropped their new collab, “Big League,” which is thought to come from a Collective Music Group collaborative album. The Murda Beatz-produced track features the rappers in “big league” mode, moments before the NBA finals gets underway.

Gotti announced via Twitter that “Big League” is the “official song of the NBA finals,” and upon first listen, no one should be surprised, as the song is filled with basketball references.

“Court-side seats, this the big bag/Hit a Ja Morant shot, get ‘em big mad/Real hustle knew one day it was gon’ pay off, pay off/Yeah, now I’m ballin’ in the play-offs, play-offs/Mansion in Miami, ball at the Celtics ‘Gotti, you the entree,’ yeah, I nailed it,” raps Gotti.

Moneybagg swoops in, rapping, “Been won a championship in the trap/This Rollie a trophy, I hold it up/They let us get up in the points, it’s a wrap/Gon’ shine every time, it’s an open look.”

In a recent interview with Billboard, Gotti took pride in assembling a line-up of all-stars in his Collective Music Group label, promising that he would never allow himself or his artists to sell out. “As a label, one thing we don’t do and will never do is be in a bidding war,” he said. “You want to be with us? Then we’ll work out business terms that make sense for both of us.”

Check out “Big League” above.

Remember Louis DeJoy? He was the infamous postmaster general appointed by Donald Trump. He couldn’t even answer what the cost of postage was during a congressional hearing. He’s the guy who seemed so hell-bent on destroying the service he was hired to protect that John Ratzenberger, who used to play a postman on TV, had to swoop in to help save it? Anyway, he still has a job, nearly a year-and-a-half after the man who appointed him left in disgrace. And to make matters worse, he’ll be present at a ceremony in which First Lady Jill Biden will unveil a new stamp…for Nancy Reagan…during Pride Month.

The ceremony was probably intended to be anodyne. It’s one FLOTUS honoring another. Nancy, wife of the 40th American president — and herself a fixture of Hollywood — was, unlike some who’ve held the position, a very public First Lady. She founded the “Just Say No” anti-drug program, which one could argue both saved lives and demonized addicts, to say nothing of those who work in the drug trade. She died in 2016, at the age of 94, and now she’s poised to join others like her, such as Eleanor Roosevelt, Martha Washington, Dolley Madison, and Lady Bird Johnson, on postage.

And what would a stamp ceremony be without the sitting postmaster general, even if it’s perhaps the first one to be widely despised by the public?

Speaking of, this may be the only time a ceremony to commemorate a stamp led to widespread derision.

On top of everything else, the event is set for Monday, less than a week into Pride Month. Nancy’s husband infamously did his best to ignore the growing AIDS crisis, allowing many in the LGBTQIA+ community to perish. People didn’t like that one either.

The presence of DeJoy — again, still with job — is like a cherry on the top.

But reserved their anger for Democratic leadership, who didn’t seem to catch that a ceremony honoring the wife of Ronald Reagan during Pride Month, with the arguably the most hated postmaster general in American history, was a perfect storm of obliviousness and bad vibes.

(Via Yahoo! News)

Nowadays, it’s clear that 50 Cent has found his own space in the television world, in fact, he had to create it. This goes back to the 2014 launch of 50’s Power series which delivered six seasons through six years on the STARZ television network. The original Power series would conclude in 2020, but soon after, 50 launched the Power universe which comes complete with four spin-offs, three of which have completed their first seasons. During a recent interview, Omari Hardwick, who starred as James “Ghost” St. Patrick in the original Power series, looked back at his time on the show and how it affected his career and life once his time there was done.

“I still haven’t made what I should have made,” Hardwick admitted during his appearance on The Pivot podcast. “I still never made the money—no, the money, I never made what I should have made. Never, period.” He added, “It’s happening now, finally.” Hardwick later said that it wasn’t until his time on Power concluded that he felt like he “made it.” He then asked the hosts of The Pivot to guess how much he made per episode of Power. One person guessed around $150,000 for each episode and Hardwick replied, “You got it right, yeah. First time I’ve ever disclosed it.”

Hardwick also spoke about borrowing money from 50 Cent, despite being paid as an actor on Power, and eventually paying him back. “So once we’re hit up for money, and I am financially obviously stable at this point, once we’re hit up for money we don’t expect it back,” he said. “So for me to give it back to 50 with interest, I was just so proud to be able to do that. And it was early! He felt like, ‘Damn, you can’t be messed up, you need money!’” Hardwick then revealed that 50 gave him “$20,000 and the next summer he gave me $23,000.” He added, “It was absolutely given in a way of, like, you know take care of the family bro, use that.”

You can watch the clip from The Pivot episode above and watch the full episode here.

It has been my position for a number of years now that the opening 30 minutes of the original Top Gun are about as good as you can possibly do from a filmmaking standpoint. The rest of the movie is pretty great, too. There’s a scene around the midpoint of the movie where Tom Cruise shows up at Kelly McGillis’s house for some sort of date/debriefing situation after playing beach volleyball with jeans on in 95-degree San Diego sunshine and asks if he can take a shower. That’s… I mean, it’s kind of funny. But also kind of perfect. The movie does such a good job of telling you exactly who this character is and what he’s about that huge chunks of the back half can just be planes going WHOOOOOSH and missiles going VRRRSHH and pilots going WHOAAA and it still advances the plot in a meaningful way. It’s cool.

The key to that is the foundation laid down in the first 30 minutes, which stretches out over five scenes. Each of these scenes attempts to drive home two very important points about Pete “Maverick” Mitchell in different ways. These points are:

• He’s a loose cannon
• But dammit, he gets results and/or is the best there is

You’ve seen this kind of character before. A lot, probably. But there’s a good reason for that: these characters, when done correctly, are freaking awesome. Top Gun does it correctly. It structures the entire movie around it. It structures an entire legacy sequel around it, too. And it all comes back to that opening 30 minutes of the original, which, again, are basically perfect. I would stop here to say a word or two about director Tony Scott and how sometimes his work on the movie gets lost in the Tom Cruise of it all, but he put this shot in the opening of the whole thing…

… so I think he knows he did something special. You don’t put your own name over an image of a firing jet engine if you’re not proud of what’s ahead. Good for him.

The point I’m getting at: Let’s take a few minutes to go through this half-hour of movie magic scene-by-scene. It’s informative and fun and it allowed me to make a GIF of Tom Cruise doing a fist pump at an airplane. There is no bad news here. Away we go.

I. The Cougar Situation

The action, summarized

Maverick and Goose are up flying around with a few other pilots, one of whom is named Cougar. They encounter an enemy plane — a MiG — and things get dicey. Cougar has a panic attack in the sky. It’s not ideal.

Is Maverick a loose cannon?

Consider:

• While zipping and zooming through the sky with an enemy in a possibly superior aircraft, Maverick and Goose take the opportunity to go upside down and inverted to give the MiG’s pilot the middle finger and snap a picture of it
• Maverick disregards a direct order to land his plane so he can go back up and help the frazzled Cougar get back to the aircraft carrier

Yes. An extremely loose cannon. One of the loosest you’ll ever see.

Does he get results, dammit?

Does he ever. Everyone gets home safely and he got to show off some of his fancy flying skills. And we got to see that, while he has the reputation of being a hotshot flyboy, he also cares and will not leave anyone behind, no matter what some cigar-chomping superior in a sweaty control room says. This brings us to…

II. The Best Scene In Any Movie Ever

The action, summarized

A few things are happening here:

• Cougar is still skittish after the encounter and turns in his wings, which is… like, not something I’m sure you can just do in the military
• Maverick and Goose are called in next to get yelled at for various stunts and shenanigans and also to be informed that, with Cougar out, they get to go to Top Gun in his place
• The whole thing is maybe the best version of the “I’m sick of your live wire antics”/“The mayor is gonna have my ass for this” scene in any movie ever, complete with shouting and smirking and sweating and, at one point, as I have screencapped above, the sentence “Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash”

It’s a perfect scene. I could watch it every day.

Is Maverick a loose cannon?

YOUR
EGO
IS
WRITING
CHECKS
YOUR
BODY
CAN’T
CASH

Does he get results, dammit?

Let’s just straight to the screencaps for this one.

I am not joking even a little when I tell you I let out an involuntary and audible “yesssss” when these lines were delivered during my 500th rewatch last week. The lessons here are as follows: Top Gun rules; James Tolkan, the actor who plays the shouting authority figure, was extremely good at this particular thing, and Jon Hamm is pretty good at it in the sequel; and I am kind of an idiot.

Moving on.

III. Iceman, Viper, Etc.

The action, summarized

We are now at Top Gun. A guy named Viper, who is one of the best to ever do it and is played by Tom Skerritt and his immaculate mustache, is handling the introductions. Maverick is being kind of a wiseass the whole time. We get our first glimpse of Iceman, which I have GIFed above, in part because it’s such a cool way to introduce a semi-antagonist and in part because Val Kilmer is awesome. It’s a really fun scene, way more fun than any classroom scene in an airplane movie has any right to be.

Is Maverick a loose cannon?

Does he get results, dammit?

So, yes, that’s settled. And I’m glad I was able to settle it so quickly because it gives me more room to plop in the GIF I mentioned earlier where Tom Cruise pumps his first at an airplane.

The point of this, as far as I can tell, is to add a brief but important third character trait to Maverick, in addition to being a loose cannon who gets results: He freaking loves airplanes so much. Holy crap. Look at him. I like to picture him doing this every time he sees an airplane take off anywhere. I kind of wonder if Tom Cruise does it, too. Every time. In real life. Even today.

You could see it. Don’t lie.

IV. Shoutout To The Righteous Brothers

The action, summarized

Maverick and the other pilots go to a bar in their fancy Navy uniforms. Maverick sees a pretty lady and leads the entire establishment in serenading her with the song “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” by The Righteous Brothers. It’s a famous scene. You know all of this.

Is Maverick a loose cannon?

Well, when the singing does not immediately provide the resolution he wanted, he follows her into the women’s bathroom, which is a risky move that I would not advise anyone to do, ever, unless you are a hotshot fighter pilot in a movie that came out in 1986. And even then… maybe not.

Does he get results, dammit?

I mean, sure, eventually. There’s a whole scene set to the song “Take My Breath Away” after the volleyball thing. Which you are free to talk about on your own. I can’t concentrate on anything right now. I’m stuck on this except from the Wikipedia page for The Righteous Brothers, who are two unrelated white guys named Bill Medley and Bobby Hatfield.

According to Medley, they then adopted the name The Righteous Brothers for the duo because black Marines from the El Toro Marine base started calling them “righteous brothers”. At the end of a performance, a black U.S. Marine in the audience would shout, “That was righteous, brothers!”, and would greet them with “Hey righteous brothers, how you doin’?” on meeting them.

I have been thinking about this anecdote for about three days now. I can’t stop thinking about it. And the main reason I can’t stop thinking about is because I…

… like…

I do not think that actually happened.

Zero chance.

Which is extremely funny to me.

The Righteous Brothers.

Try to hear any song by then without thinking about this.

I’m sorry.

Kind of.

V. “So You’re The One”

The action, summarized

Everyone is back in another class-type session, this time outside, which allows Maverick to wear his sunglasses for a little bit, which is important. Their instructor is introduced and she walks in and turns around and yuuuuuuup it’s Kelly McGillis from the bar. Perfect. Incredible. Look at Maverick’s face in that GIF. It’s almost like this isn’t the first time this exact thing has happened to him.

Is Maverick a loose cannon?

One last round of bullet points to lay this out:

• Maverick continues being a wiseass
• He interrupts to point out that her information on the MiG is inaccurate
• They have a little semi-playful back and forth over who has more information to what specific classified information
• Maverick tells her the thing about flipping the bird to the pilot while upside-down

Which brings us to…

Does he get results, dammit?

This is just a powerfully efficient piece of business. The Matrix took longer to establish Keanu Reeves as The One and that’s the entire point of that trilogy. Add it to everything else we’ve seen and it creates a sturdy framework to build everything else in the movie around. And it’s a blast. And Tom Cruise pumps his fist at an airplane.

Top Gun is a good movie.

My editor, Steve, has a lot of hare-brained ideas — from having me taste every Cheesecake Factory cheesecake to ranking all the grocery store alfredo sauces. Thus it’s with good reason that I approach most ideas he pitches me with a certain amount of trepidation. What new gut trauma will this week bring?

But when he laid out his latest pitch — blind tasting and ranking every supermarket peanut butter I could find — I was cautiously optimistic. Unlike jarred alfredo sauce (which, I will reiterate once again, is both a revolting and altogether unnecessary product that I would never purchase nor consume of my own accord), peanut butter is an American pantry staple that I both consume and enjoy. Not just the fancy stuff either. To me, peanut butter is kind of like ketchup — I don’t need or want it to taste more like the main ingredient. There’s an ideal balance to the processed stuff that I’ve come to know and love that’s hard beat.

In any case, I was pleasantly surprised by the assignment. And then I actually went to the grocery store. Mother of God, do you know how many different brands of peanut butter there are? Creamy, crunchy, all-natural, unsalted, unsugared, dark roasted, unblanched… who knew such a simple product could spawn such endless variation? Is there some health benefit to an unblanched peanut I was not aware of? I didn’t even know peanuts in peanut butter were blanched. (And for that matter, who is Blanche!?)

There are dozens of types of peanut butter. Maybe hundreds. Not even including all the almond, cashew, sunflower seed, and other nut butters. Just keeping track of which ones I’d already bought or still needed to buy turned into a game of “Guess Who?”

Almost immediately, I decided to limit this tasting to creamy rather than crunchy. This would lower my PB load from something like 60+ peanut butters to more like 30. My reasoning here, beyond basic laziness, was that most people either like creamy or crunchy — pitting them against each other wouldn’t tell us much beyond the personal preference of the taster. I generally like creamy, so I chose creamy. Even so, one or two crunchy style jars snuck in here, for the simple reason that trying to read this many peanut butter labels and their seemingly infinite modifiers tends to make one go a little crazy.

A Note On My Method:

For this tasting, I simply put each peanut butter (or more accurately, had my wife, generously volunteering her time to assist me with this, put them all) on a small spoon and tasted each. I had milk and water to try to refresh my palate between tastes, but peanut butter is so sticky that a true cleanse wasn’t really possible. Still, I made my best effort.

There are a handful of different considerations for peanut butter, all depending how you like to eat it. Do you normally spread it on toast? Eat it in a classic (untoasted) peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Or something else, like scooped onto some slices of apple (the most common peanut butter use in my house) or celery, ants-on-a-log style? There are so many peanut butter uses (smoothies, on a finger Ted Lasso-style, etc.) that we just figured straight peanut butter on a spoon was the fairest way to judge.

RANKINGS

31. Natural Way Peanut Butter With Olive Oil

Price: $4.99 from Sprouts

Original Notes (tasted blind):

Looks: This one slid off the spoon though it didn’t settle much. It looks more like chunk-style even though it isn’t.

Smells: Decent peanutty smell on the nose.

Tastes: Like unsweetened vegetable oil? What the hell. I actually went “blegh” and wanted to spit it out. What the f*ck even is this? I hope it doesn’t get worse than this.

Score: 0/10

Bottom Line:

I assume there are some health/environmental benefits to eating this disgustingly oily, near-flavorless “peanut butter” that has no sugar and loudly proclaims that it’s made from olive oil on the jar. Because there sure aren’t any taste benefits. True, this one doesn’t have palm oil, so the orangutans are safe, but… at what cost??

This was more like bad, partially congealed oil than peanut butter.

This one makes me feel like Jerry Seinfeld’s bit about dry cleaning. “Hey, you know that non-hydrogenated oil you used? What if we, I dunno, hydrogenated it a little, just to see how it feels.”

30. Trader Joe’s Creamy Unsalted Peanut Butter Made From Unblanched Peanuts (Sample 31)

Price: $2.29 at Trader Joe’s

Original Notes:

Looks: Soupy, light-colored, loose, and dripping. Sort of a brindle pattern.

Smells: Roasty/pasty on the nose, something vaguely artificial in there.

Tastes: Woof, another glue trap, as bad the last one but with even worse flavor. God this one sucks so bad. It tastes like they ground up a bunch of those papery sacks around the peanut rather than the peanut itself. This is like the “oops, all shells!” of peanut butters.

Score: 0/10.

Bottom Line:

Again, I suppose there’s some health benefit to eating unsalted, oily, goopy, flavorless peanut butter. But it’s not enough to justify eating this. Maybe in stew? A smoothie? Whatever you add this to is going to have to provide the sugar and salt. I dunno.

It’s a mess, has no body to it, and tastes bad.

29. Once Again Unsweetened Creamy Peanut Butter (Sample 30)

Price: $9.49 at Whole Foods

Original Notes:

Looks: Soupy, light-colored, loose, and dripping. A little darker, like coppery brown, and uniform in color.

Smells: A little more roasty than the last, but pretty mild on the nose.

Tastes: Super roasty taste, but sticks to my mouth to an almost insane degree. This is like the ultimate glue trap. I don’t understand how the soupiest, loosest ones also stick to your mouth the most (…in bed).

Score: 1/10.

Bottom Line:

True, I’m biased by the fact that my conception of “peanut butter” was formed by eating the sweetened, salted, homogenized version of it, but I also don’t know what the upside of this version is. It has the taste and texture of partially digested peanuts, which doesn’t really equal “peanut butter” in my mind.

28. Sprouts Organic Unsweetened And Unsalted (Sample 17)

Price: $2.69 at Sprouts

Original Notes:

Looks: Texturally this one is a disaster. It’s like pure oil, almost like peanut-infused olive oil. Very light in color too.

Smells: Doesn’t smell that strong either.

Tastes: It’s weirdly super sweet, and as thin as it is it kind of just sticks to my mouth. It’s like eating sweet tahini.

Score: 2/10.

Bottom Line:

This one definitely won the award for worst texture, it wouldn’t even stay on a spoon. Its ingredients list consists of just one ingredient: organic peanuts. Which is… good, I guess? Points for simplicity, certainly, but I feel like maybe I could just chew up some peanuts for a better effect.

27. Trader Joe’s Organic Peanut Butter No Salt (Sample 29)

Price: $3.99

Original Notes:

Looks: Soupy, light-colored, loose, and dripping. Some darker colored flecks in there. No body.

Smells: Doesn’t really smell like much.

Tastes: There’s a little sweetness in there, but mostly bland with mild roastiness. Sticks to my mouth, Texture is a disaster.

Score: 2.5/10

Bottom Line:

Again, I know I’m biased by having grown up on the processed form of peanut butter, but I don’t know what the purpose of this product is. It’s an oily disaster that coats your entire mouth.

From my notes: “I would rather use this as a household lubricant than eat it.”

26. Peanut Butter & Co, No Sugar Added Peanut Butter (Sample 4)

Price: $3.99 from Sprouts

Original Notes:

Looks: Appears to be non-homogenized, but still has some body to it, which is nice. Otherwise, shiny, medium brown.

Smells: Maybe my senses are blown out, but I can hardly smell this one.

Tastes: Woof, this must be one of the no sugar added ones? Awful. It’s just texture in my mouth and nothing else. Maybe in hummus? No thanks.

Score: 3/10

Bottom Line:

If you’re on some kind of no-sodium diet, how long does it take before things like this taste like anything? That’s a no from me, dog. For the record, this one and the next two entries had the same score so they’re all technically tied.

Score: 3/10

25. Full Circle Market Organic No Stir Peanut Butter (Sample 10)

Price: $4.99 at SaveMart

Original Notes:

Looks: Kind of a… cow pie texture? Like it’s homogenized, but also slightly aerated.

Smells: Like peanuts, not strong in any direction.

Tastes: There’s a grittiness to this that cuts the creaminess of the homogenization somewhat. It’s like there are whole crystals in there (salt? sugar?). It’s more of a cookie dough texture. Yet It’s not sweet enough, or creamy enough, or roasty enough. And there’s an artificial aftertaste, like fake sugar or something. More “off” than bland.

No, thank you.

Score: 3/10

Bottom Line:

At least you don’t have to stir this one (I refuse to stir my peanut butter, that’s just where I draw the line) but that’s about all I can say for it.

24. Trader Joe’s Creamy Salted Peanut Butter from Unblanched Peanuts (Sample 24)

Price: $2.29 at Trader Joe’s

Original Notes:

Looks: Darker, but also loose to the point that it’s coming off the spoon and pooling on the plate.

Smells: I get a bit more roast from this one than standard.

Tastes: Maximum roast, maximum salt, no sweetness, and the texture sucks. This one is a salt bomb.

Score: 3/10

Bottom Line:

The most shocking thing about this one is that the addition of salt only scored it half a point higher. But just because something has salt doesn’t mean it’s the right amount of salt. For the record, it has the same amount of sodium as standard Jif and a little less than standard Skippy, but it definitely tasted saltier.

23. Sprouts Creamy Unsweetened Peanut Butter (Sample 27)

Price: $2.69 at Sprouts

Bottom Line:

Looks: Super, super loose and light, barely any stayed on the spoon.

Smells: Doesn’t smell like much.

Tastes: This one doesn’t stay on the spoon and it’s kind of a huge mess, but at least it’s seasoned okay and tastes like roasty peanuts. Maybe a bit much on the salt. What a mess.

Score: 3.5/10

Bottom Line:

Is there a person out there who enjoys peanut butter with this texture? Who hurt you?

22. Jif No Added Sugar Creamy (Sample 9)

Price: $3.99 at SaveMart

Original Notes:

Looks: Very smooth, tight homogenized look, almost plasticky.

Smells: Barely anything to smell.

Tastes: Nice mouthfeel but missing… everything? This is more like the idea of peanut butter.

Score: 3.5/10

Bottom Line:

Texturally, this one is pretty close to ideal for me, but the lack of sugar kills it. Taking sugar away from Jif is sort of like that scene in Superman where he gives up his powers to marry Lois Lane and gets his ass kicked by some trucker in a diner. Oops, he’s just some nerd now.

21. Santa Cruz Organic No Stir Crunchy Dark Roasted Peanut Butter (Sample 5)

Price: $7.49 at Sprouts

Original Notes:

Looks: Shiny, homogenized texture. It looks plasticky, somehow. Pretty tight consistency.

Smells: Heavily roasty smell on this one.

Tastes: Accidentally bought a crunchy one, I guess? This tastes like peanuts, which is nice, but I sorta wish it was sweeter.

Score: 4/10.

Bottom Line:

This was one of the crunchy ones that accidentally snuck in there. I doubt the smooth variety would’ve fared any better in the taste test though — the issue was seasoning. Texturally it was fine.

20. Laura Scudder’s Old Fashioned Peanut Butter (Sample 20)

Price: $5.69 at Von’s.

Original Notes:

Looks: Super oily and spilling off the spoon. Loose. Rarely a positive adjective.

Smells: Nice roasty peanut smell.

Taste: I sort of only taste the roast and it sticks to my mouth without dissolving. Tastes like health food.

Score: 4/10

Bottom Line:

“Laura Scudder” sounds like the name of a lady who would make a tasty, homecooked meal, and maybe have a pie gently cooling on her windowsill. And then you look at the actual product and it looks less like actual peanut butter than what happens when a mama bird eats some peanut butter and tries to feed it to her chicks.

19. 365 Organic Creamy Peanut Butter No Sugar Added (Sample 21)

Price: $6.89 at Whole Foods

Original Notes:

Looks: Light-colored, very homogeneous. Stays on the spoon even if I turn it upside down — passes the anti-gravity test!

Smells: Sweet, somehow? Not a strong peanut smell.

Tastes: Very melt in your mouth, and tastes much more roasty than it looks or smells. But it has something artificial tasting about it, like fake sugar or something. This one somehow tastes both too natural and too processed. Weird in a way I haven’t experienced yet.

Score: 4/10

Bottom Line:

This one lists only peanuts, palm oil, and sea salt as its ingredients, so I’m not sure why I thought it tasted artificial. Texturally it was pretty ideal. My suggestion? Add some sugar next time.

18. Peanut Butter & Co, Smooth Operator (Sample 26)

Price: $3.99 at Sprouts

Original Notes:

Looks: Tight texture, passes the zero G test, but looks wetter than normal homogenized peanut butter, somehow. A little plasticky. Blonder color.

Smells: Like unroasted peanuts.

Tastes: Sweet, very buttery texture, but there is something weird and artificial in there. Is that fake sugar? Something weird about it, but I can’t put my finger on it.

Score: 4.5/10

Bottom Line:

The ingredients list doesn’t reveal anything weird, but sometimes the salt/sugar/fat balance is just off.

17. Santa Cruz Organic Creamy Peanut Butter (Sample 25)

Price: $7.49 at Whole Foods

Original Notes:

Looks: Light and loose, no body at all, flat on the spoon and sliding off.

Smells: Very roasty on the nose, maybe too roasty.

Tastes: Loose but doesn’t really dissolve in my mouth, kinda just coats. Very roasty. Tastes like peanuts, but otherwise pretty plain.

Score: 4.5/10

Bottom Line:

I hate peanut butter you have to stir, but somehow I rated this one higher than the no-stir version. Go figure. Anyway, it’s still bad.

16. 365 Creamy Peanut Butter (Sample 13)

Price: $2.29 at Whole Foods (on sale)

Original Notes:

Looks: Super oily and sliding off the spoon. Lighter colored, medium body, very shiny.

Smells: Very strong peanutty smell, with medium roast.

Tastes: Too salty and very roasty, it tastes like ballpark peanuts after you chew them up a bit, not to mention it really sticks to your mouth.

Score: 4.5/10

Bottom Line:

This one had the rare distinction of managing to be both clumpy and sliding off the spoon. And you’re not seeing things, the label really was that oily after a single use and about three days in the pantry. Even if this peanut butter was delicious that much mess alone would prevent me from buying it. Luckily it’s not very good either.

Oddly, it rated a half-point higher than the organic version, but I think a simple thumb’s down for both is probably the more accurate grade.

15. Natural Jif Low Sodium Creamy Peanut Butter (Sample 3)

Price: $3.99 at SaveMart

Original Notes:

Looks: Much tighter paste on this one, lighter color, clearly homogenized.

Smells: Not a strong smell, but peanutty.

Tastes: Taste… fine? Kinda plain. Not too sweet, not very roasty… more pasty than anything. It’s not terrible, just lacking.

Score: 5/10

Bottom Line:

From here on out I’d say the peanut butters are “mostly okay” — though still far from “the best.”

14. Trader Joe’s Organic Creamy Salted Peanut Butter (Sample 7)

Price: $3.99 at Trader Joe’s

Original Notes:

Looks: Lighter and looser with dark specks in it. One of the looser, oilier samples so far, not a great texture.

Smells: Very strong peanutty smell, one of the stronger ones.

Tastes: Very “natural,” aka like peanuts, but the mouthfeel is kind of gritty and it could use some more sugar. Feels like “good for natural style,” which I would probably never buy.

Score: 5/10.

Bottom Line:

This one was, not surprisingly, much better than its unsalted cousin. It tasted a lot better than I expected, but that half-inch of oil on the top of the jar is probably going to keep me from buying one of these.

13. Adams 100% Natural (Sample 8)

Price: $4.89 at Save Mart

Original Notes:

Looks: Non-homogenized, and kind of slides off the spoon. Let’s call it a “rustic” texture. The paste is thicker/tighter than most of the stir kind. Constipated, say.

Smells: Very strong good roasty aroma.

Tastes: The taste itself is nicely roasted, giving it layers of flavor, but it’s also kind of gritty. Again, I would call this “good for natural.”

Score: 5/10.

Bottom Line:

This one advertises an extra gram of protein than most of the others that advertise their protein content on the jar. I’m assuming they squeeze that extra gram in there by making it extra dense. Not a great trade off, in my opinion.

12. Justin’s Classic Peanut Butter (sample 15)

Price: $5.49 at Whole Foods

Original Notes:

Looks: So loose that it’s no longer in the spoon. My wife assures me that this jar didn’t say chunky, but it looks almost chunky. Light colored, a few dark flecks here and there.

Smells: Very strong roasted peanut aroma, nice.

Tastes: After the last sugar bomb, this one is distinctly unsweet. It’s very peanutty, but not very buttery. A few crunches here and there. But not too artificial tasting or overly salty. Very roasty.

Score: 5.5/10

Bottom Line:

Again, a pretty good-tasting “natural” option, if you’re dead set on avoiding hydrogenated oils. Which, personally, I am not (the partially hydrogenated oils, which contained trans fats, have mostly been done away with, in peanut butters and elsewhere).

11. Fix and Fogg Super Crunchy (Sample 11)

Price: $7.99 at Whole Foods

Original Notes:

Looks: Oops, another crunchy one must’ve snuck in there. This one is light in color, non-homogenized, very loose.

Smells: Very roasty on the nose.

Tastes: Very sweet for a non-homogenized style, which I don’t mind. It tastes very peanutty. Not bad.

Score: 6/10.

Bottom Line:

Six out of 10 starts to get into what I would call the “above-average” range of peanut butters. This one tasted pretty good and wasn’t too oily/goopy as compared to a lot of the non-homogenized/non-hydrogenated styles.

10. Skippy Natural 1/3 Less Sodium and Sugar (Sample 16)

Price: $2.99 at Save Mart (on sale)

Original Notes:

Looks: Sort of a loose, yet plasticky paste. It looks wet, can’t tell if this one is homogenized or not.

Smells: Exactly what I imagine peanut butter smells like – is that palm oil? Like not super roasty but light peanutty.

Tastes: Very creamy texture, but not as sweet as some of the sweeter ones, which I miss a little. It’s just okay.

Score: 6/10

Bottom Line:

This one scored pretty well for a reduced sugar/salt option. It couldn’t really compete with its own sweeter and saltier incarnation, but this one is good enough that you could probably sub it in and not feel like you were missing much. Reveal: The ingredient I smelled was indeed palm oil.

9. Earth Balance Creamy Peanut and Flaxseed Spread (Sample 19)

Price: $5.79 at Sprouts

Original Notes:

Looks: Very loose, but kind of plasticky on the surface. Somehow more homogenized than not.

Smells: Smells very roasty.

Tastes: Very sweet, very roasty. There’s an aftertaste that comes on salty — probably too salty for my tastes. It’s also a little thinner than I like, but not bad overall.

Score: 6/10

Bottom Line:

This actually has less sodium than standard Jif and a little less sugar too, despite what I thought was a salty taste. Anyway, I probably still wouldn’t buy this, but it tasted a lot better than what I imagined a “peanut and flaxseed spread” would taste like.

8. Maranatha Organic No Stir Peanut Butter (Sample 22)

Price: $8.79

Original Notes:

Looks: Light, loose, shiny, kinda plasticky looking on the surface.

Smells: It smells, well… very peanutty. Which is good, if not surprising.

Tastes: Very creamy texture, homogenized… ish. There’s much less body than I’m used to for peanut butter — clearly, it lies flat on the spoon, rather than making a little hillock, but it also doesn’t ooze off the spoon so it’s not bad. It has some mild sweetness. I’m not used to this because of the texture, but I don’t hate it.

Score: 6/10.

Bottom Line:

This one has less than half the sodium of Skippy, which I never would’ve guessed based on the taste. It’s a much lighter color and looser texture than what I think of when I think of “peanut butter,” but I think I could get used to it.

7. Earth Balance Creamy PB & Coconut Oil Spread (Sample 12)

Price: $5.59

Original Notes:

Looks: Very toothpaste texture, much more dry on the spoon than most of the others, and super thick. Mostly light with darker flecks.

Smells: Like chocolate? What is that smell? This one is different than all the rest I’ve had so far, it smells like dessert.

Tastes: Ohhh, coconut, that’s what I was smelling. It’s not unpleasant, just kind of weird. It’s growing on me. Kinda good if you like coconut. It was weird at first but I ended up eating all of it.

Score: 6.5/10

Bottom Line:

This one might’ve been the biggest surprise of the bunch. Using coconut oil both looks and sounds weird (that coconut oil is solid at room temperature probably accounts for the dry look) but it also kind of melts in your mouth and that coconut flavor — which is admittedly pretty weird at first when you’re expecting standard peanut butter — really grew on me.

All that being said, this has the same amount of sugar as Jif/Skippy, and about a third less sodium, so I don’t know how much it’s accomplishing, health-wise.

6. Sunny Select Creamy Peanut Butter (Sample 1)

Price: $2.99 at SaveMart (on sale)

Original Notes:

Looks: Darker brown, a little shiny. Call it medium loose? Looks homogenized.

Smells: Roasty, peanutty. Pretty standard.

Tastes: Has a nice, creamy mouthfeel, where it has some body to it but melts in your mouth without coating everything. This one is on the sweeter side. Good? Feels like a good, standard PB.

Score: 7/10.

Bottom Line:

Sunny Select is Save Mart’s in-store brand, and the nutritional facts are identical to Skippy’s (which has 10 more milligrams of sodium than Jif and the same amount of sugar). It also has rapeseed, cottonseed, and soybean oil, same as Skippy (Jif doesn’t have the cottonseed, but is otherwise identical). For whatever that’s worth.

5. Jif Creamy (Sample 6)

Price: $4.29 at Save Mart.

Original Notes:

Looks: A very tight but smooth paste, clearly one of the homogenized options. Lighter brown in color.

Smells: Not much smell on the nose, oddly.

Tastes: This is definitely one of the sweeter ones, but it’s tasty, and the texture is melt-in-your mouth creamy. It’s not super peanutty and doesn’t have much roast, but I like it. Like comfort peanut butter.

Score: 7/10.

Bottom Line:

I remember doing a blind peanut butter tasting when I was a little kid, which was basically Jif vs. Skippy, because we didn’t have all those health food brands back then, and at the time I chose Jif. I’ve been predisposed to favor Jif packaging ever since. So it’s a little surprising to rank Jif (ever so slightly) behind Skippy in these rankings. Though I would call a half point within the margin of error when you’re tasting 31 types of peanut butter in a row.

Nutritionally, they’re nearly identical, though Skippy has 10 mg more sodium.

4. Skippy Creamy (Sample 28)

Price: $3.49 at Vons

Original Notes:

Looks: Looks like what I imagine hydrogenated old-school peanut butter to look like. A little sweaty on the surface, medium brown in color.

Smells: Smells roasty, but also of maybe something artificial in there?

Tastes: Tastes sweet-to-roasty with a very melts-in-your-mouth texture, and a decent amount of salt on the back end. I would call this above-average old school PB.

Score: 7.5/10

Bottom Line:

Standard label Skippy and standard label Jif (the Coke and Pepsi of peanut butters) are so similar as to be moot, but if forced to identify a difference, Skippy seems to have a slightly darker roast and slightly saltier flavor.

3. Trader Joe’s Creamy No Stir Peanut Butter (Sample 23)

Price: $1.99 at Trader Joe’s

Original Notes:

First note from my wife: “This one is a lie, it said ‘no stir’ but I still had to stir.”

Looks: Loose textured, light in color, and shiny on the surface.

Smells: This one has a nice, peanutty nose, that smells strongly of peanuts but not too dark a roast.

Tastes: Comes on very sweet, building into a nice roasty flavor. Maybe a touch salty. It’s thinner than I like but good flavor.

7.5/10.

Bottom Line:

I was surprised how well this one did, given how badly most of the Trader Joe’s brands did, and have done in my other rankings. I don’t generally have a super high opinion of Trader Joe’s brand products, considering how many tasty looking cookies of theirs I’ve ended up throwing away because they didn’t taste near as good as they looked (virtually every bag — I don’t know that I’ve ever finished one). Their beers are surprisingly good though.

Aaaanyway, this one turned out to be a legitimate challenger to Skippy and Jif, which is downright shocking. Nutritionally speaking, it has the same amount of sugar and slightly less sodium. It does have palm oil, though the label specifies that it is sustainable palm oil. Which is a good, I ain’t tryna kill orangutans just for a snack.

2. Reduced Fat Jif (Sample 14)

Price: $4.29

Original Notes:

Looks: Super smooth, almost catalogue texture. It’s no as shiny or plasticky on the surface as some of the other hydrogenated options.

Smells: Mild peanutty smell, not too roasty.

Tastes: Aw yeah, this is the good old processed sweet shit. It’s not super peanutty and it’s definitely packed with sugar but I love it. it’s not super creamy creamy, more dissolves in your mouth with some crystallization. I licked the spoon.

Score: 8.5/10

Bottom Line:

I’m as shocked as you are that I chose a reduced-fat option as one of my top choices. But less so when I read the label and discovered that it’s actually 60% peanuts with some other random shit thrown in there like pea protein and corn syrup solids. It also has significantly more sodium (190 milligrams) and a bit more sugar (4g) than standard Jif and Skippy. This is to say that I would actually consider this the least healthy option. Now me choosing it makes sense. Read those labels, folks.

I should also note that I actually had to throw this jar out after I sampled it when I discovered that it was part of a salmonella recall. Everyone on Twitter claiming that Steve is secretly trying to kill me now has a new data point.

1. Pacific Coast Selections Creamy Peanut Butter (Sample 2)

Price: $3.09 at SaveMart

>Original Notes:

Looks: Clearly non-homogenized, a little lighter than previous, pools kinda flat. It’s oilier than the major brands, but not sliding off the spoon or dripping on the cutting board.

Smells: Very strong peanut smell, nothing too artificial about it, not a ton of roast either.

Tastes: Really roasty, deep peanutty flavor. I didn’t think I was going to like this one but it’s pretty dang good.

Score: 8.5/10.

Bottom Line:

I did not expect to like a non-hydrogenated version as much as I did, but the taste on this one was really good. Despite that, I’d probably still avoid this one just on account of how messy it ended up being. A half-point step down in taste is worth it not to have to wash my hands every time I pick up a peanut butter jar, in my opinion.

This one has a third less sodium than Skippy and the same amount of sugar as the majors, though it also contains palm oil with no asterisk for sustainability. Which is to say… this probably wouldn’t be the one I’d buy, even if I do give it the slight edge in taste. All things considered, I think I’d probably go with Trader Joe’s no-stir as my “buy it” choice, or standard Skippy or Jif if you hate orangutans.

Ahead of his upcoming fourth studio album, Twelve Carat Toothache, Post Malone sat down with Apple Music’s Zane Lowe for an interview. This year is shaping up to be a big one for Malone, as he is dropping the album, which he said is his favorite, and is also expecting a baby.

When speaking to Lowe, Malone revealed that he’s looking forward to being a father, and that he has been waiting for this day since he was a child. He even shared stories of carrying a baby doll when he was a child.

“I would take him around everywhere,” Malone said. “And I don’t know how long that lasted. But my mom still has it. And I guess, Zane, I’m so pumped up. I’m going to be a hot dad.”

There’s another term for that,” Lowe replied.

“DILF?” said Malone.

While fans and Malone himself are eager for new music, it’s safe to assume the Dallas-bred rapper won’t have this record in heavy rotation. Malone admitted that it’s difficult to listen to his own music, as he isn’t fond of the way he sounds.

“I am so shy. I’m so shy listening to any of my songs, unless I’m sitting down and I’m like, ‘I’m going to listen to these records now,’” Malone said. “This interview, I probably won’t even watch unless I’m hammered because I cannot stand the sound of my own voice.”

Check out the full interview above.

Twelve Carat Toothache is out 6/3 via Republic Records. Pre-order it here.

Well, ladies and gentlemen … court is no longer in session. The Johnny Depp v. Amber Heard trial is over. The gavel has officially been struck.

The verdict fell largely in favor of Depp, who was technically awarded a total of $15 million (the total amount was lowered based on state lawsuit limits) after the jury voted “yes” to all three of his defamation claims against Heard, which primarily focused on her 2018 Washington Post op-ed alluding to being the victim of domestic violence.

The embattled star, who was not present in court during the final ruling, released a statement saying “I hope that my quest to have the truth be told will have helped others, men or women, who have found themselves in my situation.”

Meanwhile, Amber Heard, who was awarded a comparatively small $2 million for one of her three defamation claims, lamented that the verdict “sets back the idea that violence against women is to be taken seriously.”

The virality of this trial has certainly brought out a lot of toxic behavior online. The countless hot takes and tawdry video reenactments paint a concerning picture of our culture. Monica Lewinsky recently described the trial as a “celebrity circus” in a Vanity Fair op-ed, with the general public being the “guilty” party.

And yet—as with any widespread cultural phenomenon—there have also been positive, socially impactful conversations taking place across social media. Peering past the dizzying, disheartening effects of tabloid overload, our collective understanding of toxic relationships has adapted to be more nuanced and empathetic.

---

For one thing, it could help empower men to speak out as victims of domestic abuse.

During the trial, a video was played in the courtroom where Heard said, “Tell people it was a fair fight and see what the jury and judge think. Tell the world, Johnny. Tell them, ‘I, Johnny Depp, a man, I’m a victim, too, of domestic violence, and it was a fair fight,’ and see if people believe or side with you.”

Regardless of who’s right or wrong in this case specifically, that audio recording alludes to the very real obstacles many male victims of domestic abuse face. According to Psychology Today, even asking for help often elicits “gender-stereotyped treatment” which leads to “denial, fear, shame, embarrassment, and stigmatization.” So many don’t report abuse for fear of humiliation.

When an arguably powerful man like Depp takes the stand and tells the world that yes, he is a domestic violence survivor, it can not only encourage other men to share their story, it can help broaden our perspective around what abuse actually looks like. It’s definitely not one-size-fits-all.

There’s also the very vital roles that mental health and substance abuse play in a relationship.

Early on, Amber Heard was diagnosed by clinical and forensic psychologist Dr. Shannon Curry with borderline personality disorder (BPD). As with any mental condition, those with BPD can experience extreme challenges in relationships without proper treatment and support. As Healthline states, those with BPD may be affectionate in one moment and suddenly switch emotions without notice. But again, that doesn’t make romantic relationships impossible, nor does it make those with BPD villains. The trial has made BPD an unsavory buzzword, but with more awareness hopefully comes more empathy.

Both Heard and Depp had their fair share of addictions. This can be a particularly dangerous catalyst for violence. Addiction Center reports that 80% of domestic violence crimes are related to drugs and the risk increases when both parties abuse a substance. I think most of us understand that domestic violence and substance abuse are closely linked on an intuitive level.

And then, there’s perhaps the most potentially toxic relationship of all, which the trial illuminated perfectly—that between social media and the public.

The internet is a valuable resource for spreading awareness, having conversations and peer educating ourselves. But without discernment, that resource quickly becomes a black hole threatening to suck away all our compassion into the void. If ever there was a doubt in our mind about just how brazen humanity can be at times, this trial has provided hearty proof. The internet isn’t going anywhere. It’s up to us to use it wisely.

Abuse of all kinds should be taken seriously. No amount of fame or fortune can withstand its damage long-term. The trial may be over, but because of it, we will probably be rethinking our views on abuse for a long time to come. And that, in the very least, is a win for humanity.

Rick Ross is quite the entertaining man to follow on social media, especially on Instagram. He often uses to platform to show his laid-back side and share what he hopes are motivating words with his fans. An example of the former came earlier this year when he decided that $10,000 was too much to pay to have ten oak trees cut down, so instead, he put on a cowboy hat and got to work. As for the latter, an example of that came more recently and it’s caused a bit of controversy among his followers. In a video he shared on his Instagram Story, Rick Ross said that begging for something in life is not worth it and he explained why.

“I already know how it go. That’s why I go hard, because I know how it go,” Ross says in the video. “You could be in a room full of the wealthiest mutherf*ckas in the world and tell them, ‘I have nothing, I’m hungry.’ And they’re going to look at you and say, ‘Well what the f*ck are you doing standing next to me begging? Why the f*ck aren’t you working?’”

Ross continued, “‘What the f*ck have you established? What have you done with yourself since the f*cking beginning of time? Where’s your brother, where’s your mother, where’s your father, where’s your f*ckin’ kinfolk? You don’t have any friends? You don’t have anything to establish yourself or worth something in anyone’s life?’ That’s what they’re going to tell you. So, if you think begging is going to get you something, you f*cked up.”

It appears that Ross is alluding to the harsh realities of life, at least in the way that he sees it, but some noted that it doesn’t and shouldn’t have to be this way.

You can watch Rick Ross’ video, reposted by DJ Akademiks, above.

It’s been a little while since we’ve heard from Desiigner. Unfortunately for him, the “Panda” rapper was recently stopped by cops in Los Angeles for allegedly driving without a license and for his tinted windows.

Footage obtained by TMZ shows Desiigner yelling at the cop who stopped him. The audio is rather unclear, but at one point, the rapper can be heard calling the cop a “racist b*tch.” He can also be heard saying, “I got money all f*cking day.”

When he catches someone filming him, Desiigner approaches them, saying, “You know who I am right? Desiigner. Panda.”

Desiigner was once signed to G.O.O.D Music and Def Jam before being released in 2019. During his time under the tutelage of Kanye West, his song, “Panda” reached No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100. Last year, Desiigner released a song called “Letter To Ye,” on which he reflected on his time as a G.O.O.D. Music artist.

“Madison Square Garden it first started, I’m up on the big screen and I’m 17,” he raps. “I’m livin’ that life, seem like a movie scene. Standing next to Kanye, next to Pusha-T, 2016. We was a big team, performance at Summer Jam, we was the dream team.”

While he seems to recall these times pleasantly, this may not have been the case in 2019, when he tweeted, “FREE ME FROM THIS LABLE.”