DJ Khaled’s albums are always star-studded and the upcoming God Did will be no different: Khaled unveiled the LP’s tracklist today ahead of its release this Friday (August 26) and it’s absolutely packed.
All told, the tracklist has features from Eminem, Kanye West, Drake, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, Future, Lil Baby, Travis Scott, Lil Durk, 21 Savage, Juice WRLD, Gunna, Don Toliver, Rick Ross, Kodak Black, Jadakiss, Roddy Ricch, City Girls, Quavo, Takeoff, SZA, Latto, and others, as well as production from Dr. Dre on a track.
Sharing the tracklist on social media, Khaled wrote, “The holy scripture. This is a gift to the world. This is a gift to the fans. This is a gift for us. GOD DID.”
Check out the full tracklist below.
1. “No Secret” Feat. Drake
2. “God Did” Feat. Rick Ross, Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, John Legend, and Fridayy
3. “Use This Gospel (Remix)” Feat. Kanye West and Eminem (produced by Dr. Dre and The ICU)
4. “Big Time” Feat. Future and Lil Baby
5. “Keep Going” Feat. Lil Durk, 21 Savage and Roddy Ricch
6. “Party All The Time” Feat. Quavo and Takeoff
7. “Staying Alive” Feat. Drake and Lil Baby
8. “Beautiful” Feat. Future and SZA
9. “It Ain’t Safe” Feat. Nardo Wick and Kodak Black
10. “Let’s Pray” Feat. Don Toliver and Travis Scott
11. “Fam Good, We Good” Feat. Gunna and Roddy Ricch
12. “Bills Paid” Feat. Latto and City Girls
13. “Way Past Luck” Feat. 21 Savage
14. “These Streets Know My Name” Feat. Skillibeng, Buju Banton, Capleton, Bounty Killer, and Sizzla
15. “Juice WRLD Did” Feat. Juice WRLD
16. “Jadakiss Interlude” Feat. Jadakiss
17. “Asahd And Aalam Cloth Talk”
18. “Grateful” Feat. Vory
God Did is out 8/26 via We The Best/Epic/Roc Nation. Pre-order it here.
Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
One of the benefits of all the advancements in technology we’ve seen over the years is that nearly everything has become more convenient. Even music festivals have seen the benefit of adopting a hybrid streaming option, because not everyone can always make it out in person. While my experience in this respect is limited – usually, I’m either there or I’m not, as watching a stream on TV just doesn’t appeal to me as much – I got the chance to compare the live and streaming experiences side-by-side over the weekend thanks to 88rising’s annual Head In The Clouds festival.
Held at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena this year (moving from Los Angeles State Historic Park), you’d think this would make the festival extremely convenient for me as I headed over after watching the Drew League playoffs in Torrance. But that’s only because you don’t know those LA County logistics (Angelenos read “Pasadena” and “Torrance” in the same sentence and involuntarily cringed on the inside). It wasn’t that bad of a drive, though! It took less than an hour to actually get to the Rose Bowl and I was excited to catch acts that I’d only heard peripherally like Jay Park or that I’ve nurtured a burgeoning affection for like Audrey Nuna, who was billed for a joint set with Deb Never (a clever combination that I secretly pulled for, for like a year before they teamed up).
However, after running into a snag with parking, which was at least partially my fault, my girlfriend and I wound up running behind. Fortunately, this was the first time that the hybrid experience came in handy. While sorting out our passes, we were able to watch Audrey Nuna and Deb Never’s energetic set from my phone even as we could sort of hear their stage’s sound from just outside the Bowl. Watching them bounce around and trade sarcastic bars in their matching skate punk outfits on the stream, we still felt included, and the experience only amplified the excitement of getting in.
Once we were inside, we quick-marched to the 88rising stage to catch Jay Park. Park’s a name I’ve seen a bunch, but I’ve rarely had the opportunity to check him out and since I knew I was coming to see him in his element, so to speak, I decided it’d be fun to go in fresh. The eclecticism he exudes is genuinely fascinating to me as someone who grew up with hip-hop in the musically stratified ‘90s. My brain is wired to separate genres like rap and rock and pop into separate categories; it’s incredibly interesting to me to see how folks who grew up experiencing pop culture through a different lens synthesize those experiences and styles as if the differences were nonexistent. Park, who grew up B-boying in Seattle and spent a significant chunk of his adulthood as a K-pop trainee, has a completely different musical perspective that took me a minute to adjust to but was very enjoyable.
A fun aspect of going to festivals live is checking out all the food options. Here, because the target audience’s palates are a bit more diverse than usual, it appeared (to me, at least) that there were more interesting options than the usual pizza and fries. And while most festivals will have maybe a KBBQ bowl place or a Sweetfin pop-up, I’ve never seen squid skewers at a festival before. We opted for kalbi skewers and bulgogi bowls due to our orthodontic needs and snacked while listening to Filipino crooner Yeek from a distance. Next up was Mxmtoon, who I found charming. She reminded me of the sort of twee pop stuff that had a moment in the 2000s and 2010s, but with a bit more bite. It probably helps that her upbeat, infectiously sweet anthems are backed by chunky, four-on-the-floor, honest-to-goodness get-down beats.
The in-person drawbacks reared their heads as we left, though. Because the parking was set up on the massive golf course next to the Rose Bowl and there were few markers left to help guide attendees back to their cars in the dark, many of those heading home could be seen wandering the endless-seeming rows of vehicles with bewildered faces, doubling back, and even walking in circles trying to figure out where they parked. There weren’t too many parking attendants either, making the process to exit much more chaotic than it has been at comparable festivals like Camp Flog Gnaw.
That was something that we took into consideration on Sunday as the Drew League Championship Game wrapped up. Did we want to risk getting stuck in another situation like the one from Saturday night? Another consideration that I hate to bring up but must was the security check as we entered. You’d think that after multiple highly publicized incidents at festivals – including a fatal one less than a year ago only a 20-minute drive down the same freeway that goes to Pasadena – festival security companies would be hypervigilant about what all attendees are carrying into the fest. Considering that we were waved in without so much as a cursory glance in our bags on Saturday, I didn’t like what that assumed about the crowds or about the potential safety situation.
Which is why I loved that we could simply put the festival on via Prime Video and catch the remaining sets that we wanted to see, including Rich Brian, Raveena, and Teriyaki Boyz. Of course, we missed out on the excellent food and the shared sense of community that comes from being in the crowd rubbing shoulders with fellow fans. Experiencing it both ways, though, allowed that perspective to come through. Usually, by day two, I’m grousing about the dirt and dead foliage filling up my shoes and getting a little sunburnt from being outside all day. This time, I was able to miss the feeling of being outdoors and among crowds of like-minded individuals all looking to have a good time.
It turns out that there are pros and cons to the streaming experience, just like everything in life. Head In The Clouds is definitely a festival I’d want to visit again, but if I don’t, I know exactly what I’ll be missing out on – and what I won’t. Considering it’s still a relatively young festival, perhaps the kinks that kept me on the couch Sunday will be worked out enough to warrant hanging out in person for both days.
We’d never turn down a bottle or can of IPA, pale ale, pilsner, or some other style of craft beer, but there’s just something special about a fresh, well-made beer poured from a draft into a pint glass. It’s difficult to explain. The kind of thing that needs to be tasted to be truly understood. All we know is that if you sample the same beer in a bottle, can, or draft, it at least seems to taste different depending on the format.
James Bruner, director of production at The Bruery in Placentia, California loves beer on draft.
“Personally, I believe that all craft beer tastes better on draft,” he notes. “Generally speaking, this is because the equipment used to package it is a lot better at avoiding oxidation than is present in most smaller-scale craft canning or bottling lines.”
Other craft beer experts and brewers concur. So we asked some of our favorites to tell us their picks for the best beers to drink on draft. Keep reading to see all of their picks.
Very high on the list would be Allagash’s Tripel. At 9% ABV, this is definitely one you don’t just want to throw back, so letting it “breathe” in your glass is optimal. Fresh from the tap this tripel is pleasingly floral with hints of bananas, honey, and cloves, but as the beer warms up, you get a lot more of the bready maltiness; from start to finish, it’s delightful.
I think it would be impossible to pick one beer as my favorite. I will share one of the best beer experiences of my life though. While in Portland, Oregon for the Craft brewers conference several years ago, I had one of the best beers I can recall. Sharing one of the best meals I have ever eaten, at an amazing restaurant Pok Pok. While wolfing down the legendary fish sauce wings with a group of close friends the table ordered a round of Heater Allen Lenzbock (aka Maibock). I’m not sure if it was the company I was in, the beautiful spring Portland weather, or the exquisite food, but for whatever reason that beer sticks out more than any before or since.
The color of liquid sunshine, with rich nutty aromas complimented by floral noble hop nose and rich malty flavors. And just a kiss of bitterness on the back end.
Bell’s Two-Hearted Ale
James Bruner, director of production at The Bruery in Placentia, California
Bell’s Two Hearted holds a special place in my heart because it was the first IPA I truly appreciated and enjoyed, and I had it on draft at an Irish pub I worked at while attending undergrad. Its pronounced Centennial hop note with nice pithy citrus and hints of pine air freshener over the clean pale malt base with a touch of caramel, it’s a classic.
Ballast Point Grapefruit Sculpin IPA
Pedro Goicouria, community and partnerships manager at Veza Sur Brewing Co. in Miami
One beer that tastes amazing on draft is Grapefruit Sculpin from Ballast Point. A fresh tangy bitterness rounds out this very solid IPA. Citrus, pine, and just the right amount of bitterness. It’s a great beer, especially when it’s enjoyed on draft.
Russian River Blind Pig IPA
Terence Sullivan, product manager and former brewer at Sierra Nevada Brewing in Chico, California
Russian River – Blind Pig. It’s very drinkable with great fruit forward, citrus, and pine characters that I enjoy in a traditional West Coast IPA. The bitterness is pleasant, and it balances well with the moderate alcohol content… Making it one of my favorite beers to enjoy on tap.
Also, it reminds me of my early days in the beer industry, when I first got introduced to the Blind Pig Brewing Co.
Old Speckled Hen
Joe Pawelek, brew master at Wicked Weed Brewing in Asheville, North Carolina
Old Speckled Hen, especially served through a nitro draft system. It’s slightly malty and sweet, it’s best at slightly lower carbonation, and has such amazing aromas of bread, sweet grape nut, light herbal hop notes, and high drinkability.
Founders All Day IPA
Jeremy Marshall, brew master at Lagunitas Brewing in Petaluma, California
When I travel to the Midwest and/or even down to the mandatory annual Florida trip (have to check up on Florida Man), I am always very eager to seek out a draft pint of Founders All Day IPA. Even though it’s one of the OG IPA-in-a-can plays, there’s something really satisfying about having it on draft.
The hops just explode out of the pint glass, and it’s so meaty for being on the lighter side of IPA.
I was very excited to find Georgetown Brewing beer in cans a few years ago but nothing tastes like Lucille IPA on draft. I remember the first time I had this beer almost ten years ago when I was working for another brewery. At the time we were designing our new flagship IPA and our director of sales ordered me one when we were selling beer in Seattle. The server put the beer down in front of me, and the hops hit me instantly. It was this great ah-ha moment for me as a brewer, understanding how hops could literally pour out of the glass.
The hop flavor is always fresh, it’s dank, resinous, and incredibly citrusy. I might have to go find one now.
My favorite draft is Trumer Pilsner. Very clean pilsner, easy to drink, and is one of the beers that helped define that category for me as a brewer. It’s hard to beat a crisp, easy-drinking pilsner on draft. This is especially true if that beer is Trumer Pilsner.
Brasserie De La Senne makes a delicious pale ale called Zinnebir. On draft, it is especially notable. It is light and refreshing and still is packed with flavor. It has some light Belgian yeast flavors, but it is lightly done and blends excellently with the crisp citrusy hops. This one may be hard to find but when you do, it is well worth the search.
Really, any of their beers on draft are worth checking out.
I’m not sure if it’s still the case, but at one point Sierra Nevada Pale Ale on draft was a bit different than what is packaged in bottles/cans. The lower ABV makes it a really nice, sessionable beer while still maintaining the great balance of malt and hops.
I will never pass up an opportunity to enjoy a Fuller’s ESB on draft. This classic English bitter just tastes like it was meant to be on draft. The subtle carbonation, the sweetness of English pale and crystal malts, and that fruity herbal note of Goldings hops combine to create the perfect pub beer that goes great with most pub food.
Pilsner Urquell
Caroline O’Halloran, area sales director at Sprecher Brewing in Glendale, Wisconsin
Pilsner Urquell, there is just something about drinking a deliciously cold, traditional pilsner, out of a ½ liter mug. Pairs perfectly with spicy wings on a summer patio. Saaz hops are some of my faves used in Pilsners. BKC Story Hill has a full Pilsner Urquell engine installed on their bar and use half-liter mugs. Probably the reason I bought a house in Story Hill when I moved to MKE.
The Phoenix Suns will celebrate the 30th anniversary of one of the most successful teams in franchise history this season, as the 1992-93 squad led by league MVP Charles Barkley went to the NBA Finals, where they lost in six games to Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls.
As part of that celebration, the Suns are joining the ranks of teams adding Classic Edition uniforms to their rotation this season, as they will don their iconic “Sunburst” look once again to pay tribute to Sir Charles, Thunder Dan, and the 92-93 Suns. The team unveiled the uniforms in a throwback themed video featuring Deandre Ayton on Tuesday, and will provide more info on when the jerseys will go on sale and when the team will wear them later.
While understanding that I am firmly in the target demo for these uniforms, I’m a fan of the return to the retro look, and with these alongside their Valley uniforms that are among the best modern looks in the league, the Suns are really nailing the “look good, feel good” thing. The Suns, of course, will be hoping that they can recapture the magic of those ’93 Suns — or, more importantly, the ’21 Suns — and get back to the Finals once again to try and bring Phoenix its first NBA championship.
In the wake of the recent overturn of Roe v. Wade, Dove Cameron has dropped the video for her song “Breakfast.” Never one to shy away from social justice matters in her music, Cameron aims to dismantle patriarchal notions on this song, saying, “I eat boys like you for breakfast.”
In the song’s accompanying video, directed by Laura Dunn, Cameron dresses up for a big presentation at work while her house-husband serves her breakfast. Another version of Cameron, dressed as a ’50s housewife, appears in a series of infomercials on a TV screen, while the programming is interrupted with present-day video clips of protestors in support of abortion rights.
Cameron said in a statement:
“I was feeling incredibly disillusioned watching the recent SCOTUS ruling and I couldn’t wrap my head around making a music video at a time when I felt so desolate. With this video, I want to show the disturbing contrast between stylized femininity and masculine power and the gender stereotypes that plague our social commentary. I want the audience to notice how strange it is to watch the roles be reversed and it was important to highlight how ingrained these roles really are in our nervous systems. This is a video to remind us that ‘how it’s always been’ should never be a reason for desensitization or upholding broken systems. Hopefully by re-contextualizing these familiar scenes, this video will encourage people to vote for a world where we leave gender discrimination as a thing of the past and stop bringing the past into the present.”
Flo Milli is still riding high on the success of her debut studio album You Still Here, Ho?, which dropped in July and featured new tracks like “PBC,” “Conceited,” and “No Face.” Never one to be content with her previous output, Milli keeps the ball rolling with another new video, this time for the supremely confident “Big Steppa.” True to the song’s title, the Alabama rapper goes full kaiju in the clip, stomping around in a miniature city and delivering aggressive boasts in a variety of designer ensembles.
In addition to its collection of new songs, You Still Here, Ho? included a few of her older hits like “Roaring 20s” and “Ice Baby.” As she explained in an interview with Vulture, “I was very intentional with this album. My last one, to me, felt a little rushed. That was my first project ever. I didn’t have that much knowledge about how to go about it. But you know, of course, when you do something, you learn from your mistakes and you learn from that… I got tired of people, like, saying certain stuff, even though people are gonna talk. That ties back into the name. Like, ho, you still here, though?”
There are many traditional staples of fatherhood—love, support, protection, security, providing an example—but there is, of course, that other not-so-warm-and-fuzzy feeling that dads can provoke in their kids at any given moment … sheer, utter embarrassment.
Usually in a father’s humiliation tool belt is the infamous dad joke. These corny puns have been around since 2003, and let’s face it, they’ll never leave. Of course, no dad needs one to make your eyes roll. They can do that most of the time simply by being themselves.
For his well-known #Hashtags segment, Jimmy Fallon asked his “Tonight Show” audience to share “funny, weird, or embarrassing” stories about their dads. Fallon, a father himself, is no stranger to the cringeworthy power of a dad joke. In a 2020 interview with TODAY, Fallon admitted, “I’m starting to get the eye rolls now where Daddy’s not the funniest person in the world.”
Don’t worry Fallon! Clearly you’re not alone, because people replied with some truly hilarious comments. Dads might be silly, but we’ll gladly put up with it for the love they give us.
Enjoy 20 of the very best #DadStories:
As usual, Fallon went first:
1.
“Instead of buying a smoker my dad just grills in the garage with the door closed.” – @jimmyfallon
2.
“At my aunt’s wedding reception, my dad ran out from the bathroom when he heard You Should Be Dancing by the Bee Gees play, and proceeded to do John Travolta’s routine from Saturday Night Fever.” – @MJ_Rose88
3.
“My Dad will call me sometimes when he wants me to bring him food. He refers to me as ‘GrubDash.'” – @FalPalAMF828
4.
“My dad likes to play a very morbid game called ‘guess who died’, which consists of him gossiping about someone I probably haven’t seen in 20+ years and can’t remember at all, who died recently. Bonus points for guessing the cause of death.” – @jon_jonz
5.
“My dad used to drink his morning coffee with his dentures in his hand while reading the newspaper. When we asked him why, he said his teeth also wanted to read the newspaper.” – @FallonHolic_
6.
“When my dad took my sister to her first Jr. HS dance, she asked to be dropped off a block before the school. My dad proceeded to take her all the way up to the main entrance, got out of the car and loudly announced her arrival!” – @77BroncosFan
7.
“Asked my dad if he knew who Taylor Swift was…he said, I don’t care who he is!” – @JessyKrupa
8.
“My dad whistles really loud. He sticks his head out the window and whistles back to birds. But when the lady next door heard him, she called 911. The cops told her, ‘Lady, he didn’t whistle at you. He only flirts with birds.'” – @tostianascripts
9.
“When my dad would leave a message on my answering machine, he would end the message saying, ‘This is dad signing off.'” – @RealRobFindor
10.
“We were on vacation and the gift shops selling fudge called plain fudge ‘chocolate no nuts.’ A guy walked up to my dad with some samples and offered him some saying ‘chocolate no nuts?’ And my dad said ‘what did you just call me?'” – @lauraceciliaOT
11.
“My Dad laid a new floor in my brother’s house. It was all finished so we couldn’t understand why he was taking up the boards again. Turns out he had seen a spider run underneath and was worried it would be trapped.” – @Sohnzie
12.
“Whenever my dad would try to talk us into trying something new to eat he’d state, ‘It’s so good it’ll put hair on your chest.’ He had 3 daughters.” – @Bookelew
13.
“My mom once bought a 6 ft Santa statue at a yard sale without telling dad. When he got home and parked, we heard banging, crashing and swearing. We went to look and the Santa was laying face down on the curb. Dad thought someone was trying to jump him.” – @dknessfalls
14.
“My dad couldn’t decide if he wanted to be called ‘grandpa’ or ‘papa’ so he just told all of us to call him ‘Coach.’ He’s not a coach.” – @iPopEditor
15.
“My father went to the McDonalds drive thru and asked for a whopper. When they said ‘they didn’t have whoppers’, He just drove off without placing an order.” – @Marisa_Rosie22
16.
“One day we went out to eat at Pizza Hut and sat in front of an empty table with some pizza left on it. My dad, being the penny pincher he is, grabbed some and started eating it. A few minutes later the couple comes back from the bathroom asking ‘where’s our pizza?'” – @Alex_Erickson3
17.
“My dad let a bee land on his hand and watched it closely as it stung him because he ‘wanted to see the process up close.'” – @TrippyPsycholo1
18.
“My dad once tried to tell a lady she had a Big Bug on her, but accidentally told her she had a Really Big Butt. She was not amused.” – @Sallyjo25
19.
“My dad thinks it’s funny to introduce my mom as his ‘first wife’….my parents have been married for 58 years and are in their late 80’s.” – @annMcD87
20.
“My dad entered Canada by swimming across the Niagara from the US under the cover of night.” – @albertduic
A common criticism gun rights activists levy toward gun legislation advocates is that many people who push for stricter gun laws don’t know a lot about guns themselves. That’s not wholly accurate—there are plenty of gun enthusiasts who support reasonable gun laws—but it’s true that many people who are horrified by our nation’s gun culture are not well-versed on the specifications of our nation’s 393 million guns.
Not every American is an active part of American “gun culture.” Some of us have never shot a firearm, for fun or otherwise. Some of us really are ignorant about guns themselves.
That can’t be said for anyone in the military, however. And it definitely can’t be said for a former Major General of the U.S. Army.
That’s why an explanation of the difference between an AR-15 and military-style firearms from retired Major General Paul Eaton has gone viral. Major General Eaton was the commander in charge of training Iraqi soldiers during Operation Iraqi Freedom, so he definitely knows what he’s talking about when it comes to weaponry.
He wrote:
“As the former Commanding General of the Infantry Center at Fort Benning and Chief of Infantry, I know a bit about weapons. Let me state unequivocally — For all intents and purposes, the AR-15 and rifles like it are weapons of war. A thread:
u201cThose opposed to assault weapon bans continue to play games with AR-15 semantics, pretending thereu2019s some meaningful differences between it and the M4 carbine that the military carries. There really arenu2019t. 2/u201d
— Major General (ret) Paul Eaton (@Major General (ret) Paul Eaton) 1654209731
Those opposed to assault weapon bans continue to play games with AR-15 semantics, pretending there’s some meaningful differences between it and the M4 carbine that the military carries. There really aren’t.
The military began a transition from the M16 to the M4, an improved M16, some years ago. The AR-15 is essentially the civilian version of the M16. The M4 is really close to the M16, and the AR-15.
So what’s the difference between the military’s M4 and the original AR-15? Barrel length and the ability to shoot three round bursts. M4s can shoot in three round bursts. AR-15s can only shoot a single shot.
But even now, you can buy AR-15s in variable barrel lengths with Weaver or Picatinny rails for better sights and aiming assists like lasers. Like the military, but w/o the bayonet.
But our troops usually use single shot, not burst fire. You’re able to fire a much more accurate (deadly) shot, that way. Note: you can buy our Advanced Combat Optical Gunsight on Amazon. So troops usually select the same fire option available on AR-15.
That is why the AR-15 is ACCURATELY CALLED a ‘weapon of war.’ It is a very deadly weapon with the same basic functionality that our troops use to kill the enemy. Don’t take the bait when anti-gun-safety folks argue about it. They know it’s true. Now you do too.”
Eaton is not the only former military leader who has spoken out in support of gun legislation. In 2019, a group of 13 influential retired military leaders wrote a letter to Congress, pushing it to pass the Bipartisan Background Check Act.
“Each of us has, at some point in our lives, made the choice to risk our lives for our fellow citizens and place ourselves in harm’s way,” they wrote. “We were trained, we were coached, and we were prepared for the dangers that we chose to face. This is not the case for most Americans, yet they continue to face danger on the sidewalk, in their homes, at school, and at work. It is in the same spirit that led us to serve in the armed forces that we ask you, our elected leaders, to help protect the American people from gun violence here at home. We urge you to support this legislation.”
Police leaders have also voiced strong support for gun legislation, which makes sense considering how much harder and more dangerous our free-for-all gun culture makes their jobs. The International Association of Chiefs of Police, the largest professional association of police leaders in the world, has a position paper that outlines the gun safety laws it supports, including firearm offender registration, waiting periods, closing the gun show loophole, banning semiautomatic assault weapons, armor-piercing ammunition, bulletproof body armor and more. The IACP states that these are “common sense policies that would assist in reducing gun violence, while upholding the second amendment.”
Yep, the largest police leader association supports banning semiautomatic assault weapons like the AR-15. Here’s what it has to say about that:
“First passed in 1994, the assault weapons ban required domestic gun manufacturers to stop production of semi-automatic assault weapons and ammunition magazines holding more than ten rounds except for military or police use. While the ban was in place, it was remarkably effective in reducing the number of crimes involving assault weapons. In the period of the ban, (1994-2004) the proportion of assault weapons traced to crimes fell by a dramatic 66 percent.”
If those who oppose gun legislation don’t want to listen to people who don’t know enough about guns to speak authoritatively on them, that’s fine. Perhaps they should listen to these military and police leaders who not only know guns inside and out, but who also have the firsthand experience on both sides of the barrel to speak authoritatively on what can help minimize America’s gun violence.
Kindergarten through 12th grade teachers and college professors have heard every excuse in the book. Whether it’s a third grader claiming their “dog ate my homework” or a college freshman claiming their grandmother died to get out of a test, they’ve heard it all a billion times.
A college professor once listed the top 21 excuses he’s heard from his students. Here are the top five:
5. “It’s the last week of the semester.”
4. “It’s St. Patrick’s Day or 4/20”
3. “Our other teacher held us back.”
2. “My timetable showed the class was canceled.”
1. “I’m taking a vacation.”
Yes, some students actually say they didn’t do their work because of a holiday predicated on drinking or getting stoned and others have the audacity to say, “Hey! I needed a vacation.” After spending week after week fielding excuses, there’s a good reason why most educators are skeptical when they hear one from their students.
But every once in a while, an excuse that seems way too improbable to be believed actually is true.
Reddit user u/minecraftplayer48 asked the teachers of Reddit to share the “best excuse for being late that turned out to be true” and the stories were all pretty great. But it wasn’t only teachers who chimed in; a lot of people shared stories from when they were students and had an excuse that was so crazy they didn’t think anyone would believe them.
Here are 17 of the best excuses for being late that were actually true.
1. Revenge of the torque wrench
“My auto teacher let me practice removing and adding the tires on his vehicle. The next morning it was about 20 minutes into first period and no sign of him. He comes running into the classroom out of breath and his hair is all messed up. He points at me and says ‘YOU!!!! What is a torque wrench used for???’ I respond with “I don’t know.” He says ‘ I know you don’t know!!!” Turns out one of his tires came off while driving down the highway.” — ethnicjello
2. Mom wanted to sleep in
“She had to take her sister to school and drive her mom to rehab. She was always late to class because her mom just wanted to sleep in. Problem was if the mom was late or did not go she would have violated her probation and gone to prison. I never marked her late. If she missed anything important she could come in at lunch or after school to make it up.” — RM156
3. “That was you?”
“Student here, I headed into school early to get some studying done in the library before my night class. I was one exit away when I was caught in a 3 car accident. Most of the expressway afterwards was gridlock with only one lane left open. I did eventually make it into my lab class 15 minutes late, with a few scrapes and bruises. My professors reaction was simply ‘Oh that was you!”” — AlienCowAbduction
4. “School bus blew up”
“I was one of about 20 kids who were late to school. We showed up at the school office as a group and when questioned why we were late, we said ‘The school bus blew up.’ They questioned ‘So the engine blew up?’ The kids ‘No, the whole bus, in flames. It blew up.’
“There was much conference between the teachers, all of them thinking we embellished the story. Next thing you know, one of the admin staff has the news website open, very obvious image of an entire bus on fire with a bunch of kids in our school uniform standing in front of it. Our late slip for class read ‘School bus blew up.'” — AusPB90
5. B.U.I.
“Told me he got pulled over by the cops for wobbly driving on his bike and they thought he was drunk. Turned out he was just dodging all the slugs on the street.” — Fortisvol
6. Chicken of death
“A guy in my college class missed class one day. The next day he came in with his eye covered up and medical paperwork in hand. Apparently he got pecked in the eye by a chicken.” — BrrToe
7. Chicken 2: The chickening
“When I was student teaching, I was late because there was bunch chickens in the middle of the road. They wouldn’t move at all. This is in the middle of a city of 200,000 people. Freaking chickens.
“I finally get to school and profusely apologize to my mentor teacher and I told her why I was late thinking it sounded ridiculous. She said, ‘yeah, those chickens are fucking assholes, they surrounded my car in the McDonalds parking lot last year. Don’t worry about it.” — Makenshine
8. Cracker Barrel conference
“Taught a group of seniors first period. It was towards the end of the year. I had a class of around 30 and only 5 were there when the bell rang. Halfway through class, the rest of them show up. They went out to Cracker Barrel for breakfast and brought me some back. All was forgiven.” — SwansonsLoveChild
9. Beary late
“Bear on the backyard. No access gate. Animal control had to tranq it from the room and drag it through the house. Made the news. Got to retake the test I missed after sending her the news article.” — Vladtehwood
10. Present the flat
“We had an exam in my class and the teacher got a message from a student saying that he was going to be late because his car had a flat tire (the student was known to party), the teacher didn’t think it could be true, so as a joke the teacher asked him to bring the tire back. He brought the flat tire back in the middle of the exam. Needless to say, the professor didn’t expect that.” — Sapang
11. Moo
“A kid missed my first-period class one morning but was in school later that day. When I asked him why he hadn’t arrived in time for my course, he said his cow was birthing its calf that morning, so he’d picked being in the barn over English. Made sense to me. His essays weren’t going to win any ribbons at the county fair, but his calf could.” — Bobosbigsister
12. Abduction
“In high school a kid came late to history class. He was a joker so when someone asked him where he had been, he goes ‘I was kidnapped.’ Everyone laughed, until he goes ‘no really.’
“Turns out 2 guys kidnapped him and tossed him into the back of the minivan he was using for his morning paper route. They drove him around while they robbed something. I can’t remember what happens after. I think they just drove the van somewhere and got away.” — notinmybackyardcanad
13. Honesty is the best excuse
“Not a teacher, but a kid walked into my class one day and literally just said ‘Sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to be here.’ He wasn’t wrong I suppose.” — Scally59
14. It actually was the dog
“A little off topic but in 8th grade, a friend of mine turned in their homework late because her dog literally ate her homework. She even brought a note from her parents.” — JoeyJoey2004
15. Is this a real excuse? Or is it fantasy?
“‘Sorry Bohemian Rhapsody came on just as I parked.’ — My art teacher when he was about 5:55 minutes late.” — Deeberber
16. “I took a shortcut”
“This happened to me as a pupil; a very quiet, unassuming kid in our class came in to German with about five minutes of the class left. We went to a Catholic school and the teachers were all quite strict and intimidating. Classes were usually silent, especially in junior school. When this boy came into class at the end of the lesson that day, the door flew inwards with such force that the teacher gave an audible gasp.
“It had been raining heavily outside, his hair was plastered to his forehead. His blazer was dripping and sodden. He had mud caked into his trousers up to his knees, and he was breathing heavily. The teacher exclaimed, ‘Brendan! What happened?’ We all stared up at him in shocked silence. This quiet, unassuming little boy let out a big sigh and just said, ‘I took a shortcut.’ And went straight to his seat.
“That line became iconic in our school for years afterward.” — lestat85
17. Pug lovers can attest
“Kid was late to school and had to miss a very important football game. The reason? His fat pug fell asleep on his phone. The pug’s fat rolls muffled his alarm.” — tip52
Warning: Spoilers ahead for the season finale of Only Murders In The Building.
Isn’t it great when you introduce a group of friends to another group of friends and they really hit it off? That’s how it felt when Paul Rudd made a small cameo on the most recent episode of Only Muders in The Building. Yes, he was a slightly intense stage actor with a small tiff with Steve Martin, but it works! And now, fans will get to see more of him as Rudd has been cast in season three of the hit Hulu whodunnit.
Rudd appeared in the season two finale as Ben Glenroy, an actor with stage fright who collapses on stage in the final moments of the season, much to Mabel’s frustration. This means more murder!
Season three of the murder-mystery show was greenlit last month, and co-creator John Hoffman says they are in the midst of crafting the storyline, with a focus on Selena Gomez‘s character, Mabel. “We’re writing season three now and we’re mapping out what we’re doing for season three with these characters and it is time, I feel like, to take a look at really landing the direction for [Mabel],” Hoffman told Elle.
“We’re aiming towards that and I think it’s exciting and she’s got her foot on the gas, a bit. Mabel, I just love her arc because it does point to a lift at the end of season two that feels right on time. You feel a sense of an opportunity of a restart.” A new start with Paul Rudd sounds great!
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