Month: September 2022

Labor Day has officially passed, which means the seasonal aisles that have been filled with school supplies are now teeming with bags and bags of Halloween candy. Hallelujah.

If you’re one of those people who can buy bags of fun-sized candy bars and let them sit unopened in the cupboard for a month, only pulling them the night of Halloween to hand out to trick-or-treaters, congrats. You’re a giant among humans. More power to you.

This article is not for you.

I’m here for the folks who need a solid game plan to manage the nearly two months between Labor Day and Halloween when all willpower and impulse control get pushed to the brink every year. If you fool yourself into thinking you can have hundreds of pieces of chocolatey, nougaty, peanuty, toffee-y candy sitting in your home for weeks and not touch it, only to find yourself hitting the bag multiple times a day, alternating between justifying the consumption of obscene amounts of sugar and plunging into stomachaching regret, you are my people.

You don’t have to dread the Halloween candy season. It’s only taken nearly three decades of full-on adulthood to hone my strategy for September and October, but I’ve got it down. There’s an art to this, friends. Allow me to pass along some of my hard-earned wisdom.

Do not, under any circumstances, buy any Halloween candy before the week of Halloween.

Nope, not even if it’s on sale. No amazing deals. No buy-one-get-one-free gimmicks. Nada. You know you will eat that savings in a week and be forced to replace what you ate by Halloween, therefore spending more than you would’ve without the sale.

Trust me on this. You may think saving money in the moment will also save you from temptation, but it’s lies. Fake news and lies. Repeat after me: Halloween candy sales are not our friend.

The only exception to this rule is if you buy a padlock along with your candy. Then, when you get home, immediately hide the candy in a cupboard with the lock on it and give someone else the key until the day of Halloween. It’s a risky move—there is an entire car ride in which that candy bag will be staring you in the face—but it’s the only way to feel good about purchasing sale candy ahead of time.

Four days before Halloween is the sweet spot. Use it to your advantage.

Apparently, four days before Halloween is when you get the best price on candy, according to an analysis from online shopping portal Ibotta. This is a good thing. For one, it gets you away from the idea that a sale long before Halloween is one you simply can’t pass up. And two, having a clear number of days gives you a window in which to buy so you’re not going at this all haphazardly.

Haphazard Halloween candy buying is just sugar-laden, calorie-bombing chaos, my friends. Don’t do it. The key here is to look ahead, make a plan and stick to it. I like to make an absolute rule for myself that zero candy enters the house before the four-day mark, and then see how long I can hold out during those four days.

If you’ve got candy FOMO, don’t. You won’t miss out.

Sometimes we’re tempted to buy candy early so that we make sure we actually get some before the Halloween season is over, but let’s be real. There is no shortage of candy-filled bowls everywhere you go during these two months. Stop into pretty much any bank. Visit any informational booth. Make an appointment to see your kid’s guidance counselor. Don’t be shy. Grab that free Milky Way out of the bowl on their desk and go to town. No guilt.

Keep reminding yourself that candy is in abundance all around you. You’ll have your own home stash soon enough, but not so soon that you’ll make yourself sick on it. (Also, if you have kids, you can remind them that they have a roof over their heads and food in the fridge and the least they can do is share their Halloween trick-or-treating haul with the person who provides for them.)

Bottom line—you’ll have plenty of opportunities to snag a Snickers here and there during the Halloween season without having to buy your own bag.

Buy candy that you hate or candy that you love, but nothing in between.

I’m not usually this black-and-white, but hear me out. There are basically three ways of thinking about what Halloween candy to buy for trick-or-treaters, but only two of them have a desirable outcome.

1. If you buy candy you hate, you won’t be as tempted to eat it. I say as tempted because people who love candy can generally be tempted by almost anything, but most of us have a candy we simply won’t touch. I could have a bowl of Jolly Ranchers for months and never touch them, for instance. That’s a good trick-or-treater buy for me.

2. If you buy candy you love, you’re definitely going to eat it. Maybe even a ton of it. But if you follow the above advice and wait until a few days before Halloween to buy it, you’ll have less time to gorge on it but still be able to enjoy it. (Gimme all the peanut M&Ms, thankyouverymuch).

3. If you buy candy you like but don’t really love, that’s just trouble. You’ll likely eat just as much of it as you would your favorite candy—that’s the nature of having copious amounts of not-gross candy on hand—but it won’t be nearly as satisfying. If you’re going to eat candy, you should get the optimal amount of enjoyment out of it. Make it worth it.

Go for the chocolate and nuts. Ditch the candy corn and jelly beans.

As far as narrowing down your candy choices, there’s a strategy here, too. Though you may assume they’re the worst because they’re so rich, nut-heavy candy like peanut M&Ms, Snickers and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are actually some of the best choices, according to two dietitians in Everyday Health. Nuts have protein and fiber and chocolate has antioxidants (the darker the better), so at least you’re getting some nutrition along with the sugar. (It’s a real thing! Dietitians said so!)

Chewy and fruity candies like candy corn and jelly beans are basically just pure sugar. They feel lighter as you’re eating them, which in my experience just makes you likely to eat more of them, leaving you eating more sugar and feeling less satisfied. I love me some Skittles and Smarties, but they just don’t hit like the Snickers and Reese’s. Not worth it to buy a whole bag of them.

The key is to delay the inevitable as long as possible, not to eliminate it.

I’m sure some people would suggest not even buying candy at all, and for some people maybe that’s wise. (There are some reasonable non-candy alternatives to give out.) But I’m not willing to forgo Halloween candy altogether. It’s all about timing, setting some realistic ground rules and knowing what candy is worth indulging in. The idea is to enjoy the candy if you really want to, but delay gratification as long as you can.

Speaking from experience, Halloween is a lot more fun if you don’t go into it having already gorged on candy for six weeks straight.

The first day of school was anxiety-inducing for many children returning to class in Uvalde, Texas, on Tuesday, CNN reported. For some, it was their first time back in a classroom after a gunman killed 19 students and 2 teachers on May 24 at Robb Elementary School.

“I’m so scared and shocked after what happened at my old school, and I’m still scared and nervous,” Zeke Wyndham, whose fourth-grade classroom was down the hall from where the massacre occurred, told CNN. “I can still hear the gunshots,” he said.

To help the students cope with the beginning of the school year, the Uvalde Consolidated Independent School District enlisted the help of the Lutheran Church Charities K-9 Comfort Dog Ministry. It’s a “human-care” ministry that embraces the unique, calming nature and skills of purebred golden retrievers.

The ministry placed 10 dogs at eight schools in the district. The dogs all took different positions at the schools, some greeted students outside, while others waited in counselors’ offices for those in need.

“That will keep changing as the needs arise, as the kids get into their routine—and where the dogs are needed, the counselors will instruct us where to go,” Bonnie Fear, crisis response coordinator for the Lutheran Church Charities K-9 Comfort Dog Ministry told CNN. “Our goal is to be present with those that are hurting and in need, and we show up and just be with them in whatever they’re feeling.”

The students’ engagement with the animals is meant to be pressure-free so they can express themselves in a way that helps them feel comfortable.

u201cEight LCC K-9 Comfort Dogs and Hearts of Mercy & Compassion Deploy in Less Than 24 Hours to Mass Shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas. nPlease pray for Uvalde, TX and our teams as they travel today.u00a0nnDonate to K-9 Travel Fund: https://t.co/jswtDc1mm0nn#uvaldeTXu201d

— LCC K-9 Comfort Dogs (@LCC K-9 Comfort Dogs)
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“We’re trained to be quiet. We don’t want to do a lot of talking. We want them to interact with the dog and to feel what the dog can help them through their emotions,” Fear said according to KSAT.

This isn’t the first time the charity has been in Uvalde. It provided dogs to comfort students at the schools last May in the days following the shooting. The ministry says that the dogs’ presence helped a lot of students feel comfortable returning to class after the horrible event.

There is a lot of research that shows therapy dogs can reduce stress and provide a sense of connection for people in difficult situations. But it’s important to note they have a different job than service dogs, who help individuals with physical challenges or mental health struggles.

Therapy dogs are trained to respond to people in their environment such as a school or hospital. Research shows that therapy dogs increase attachment responses that trigger oxytocin, the “trust hormone.” Therapy dogs have also been found to reduce the release of cortisol, the hormone associated with stress.

u201cComfort dogs are greeting Uvalde students for their return to school. Here’s how canine visitors can help after tragedy https://t.co/ftF2h4aWeHu201d

— CNN (@CNN)
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In a school setting, therapy dogs make it easier for children to open up in therapy settings and help to facilitate discussions and build rapport between people. Edutopia says that therapy dogs also encourage students to attend school and help curb tardiness.

This school year is sure to be hard for a lot of kids in Uvalde. It’s wonderful that the school district and the Lutheran Church Charities are doing their best to help these kids learn, develop and feel safe at a time when the wounds of last summer are still fresh.

You’ve gotta admit that making the big bad for a Spirit Halloween movie an entity that inhabits another body for a short time every Autumn is pretty smart. If they host a series of specialty screenings in abandoned strip malls, they’ll truly own Halloween.

Plus, Spirit Halloween looks goofy and fun. It’s definitely an extended advertisement for the invasive species of costume shops, but it’s charming! And it has Christopher Lloyd as an eccentric weirdo who turns into a ghost that screams at children.

Directed by first-timer David Poag, the film also stars Rachel Leigh Cook as a worried mom, and a slew of tween and teen actors (Donovan Colan, Marissa Reyes, Jaiden J. Smith and Dylan Martin Frankel) as a ragtag bunch of Halloween fans who decide to spend the night inside a Spirit Halloween store only to find out that it’s got guh-guh-guh-guh-ghosts. Obviously, it’s got some Goosebumps vibes, some young awkward romance, and it somehow got a hold of the same child-raising-in-the-air technology that Stranger Things made a meal of this season.

According to the official press release, “the film features a wide range of iconic animatronics characters and set pieces created by Spirit Halloween,” which is something that only the most diehard of Spirit Halloween fans probably already knew. Fortunately, it’s something we can all become intimately acquainted with when it hits limited theaters September 30th and VOD October 11th.

One of the signals of whether a prestige film with its eyes set on Oscar will hit the mark or flop is how well it does at Cannes or Venice. These are two time-tested proving grounds where leaving in a loud huff and clapping so long your hands go numb are the only correct reactions to a movie.

Luckily for Andrew Dominik, Venice seems to be into his Blonde. According to Variety, the film where Ana De Armas plays a largely fictionalized Marilyn Monroe earned a 14-minute standing ovation after playing the fest, leaving De Armas in tears and cementing the film in the conversation for all the major awards.

Dominik, whose last narrative feature was Killing Them Softly in 2012, had taken a hiatus to focus on producing and making music documentaries. He wrote the script for Blonde from the Joyce Carol Oates novel of the same name, which explored Monroe as a cultural icon and included tantalizing gossip with famous, real-world characters referred to by code names or initials.

Of course, Cannes has a longer, more established history of clapping an absurd amount for movies. Its longest was for Pan’s Labyrinth at a whopping 22 minutes of cheering while not sitting back down. Meanwhile, Venice just gave a 13-minute ovation to Martin McDonagh’s The Banshees of Inisherin. According to science, Blonde is exactly one minute better. Because that’s how all art is judged.

All kidding aside, try clapping for 14 minutes straight. I assume you’ll be dehydrated and enter a trancelike state that lets you see past lives. Humans are so weird.

Blonde, which has retained its NC-17 rating, hits Netflix September 28th.

Kali Uchis is disregarding the law in the name of love in her latest video for her single, “No Hay Ley.” In the video for her hypnotic, house-inspired cut, Uchis is seen walking through Paris, chasing a love she knows will change her life.

In the video, Uchis walks around the city of love while longing for love, singing, “No matter what we do / No matter what they say / No importa lo que digan / Yo te besaré otra vez.”

The visual, directed by Torso Solutions, shows Uchis doing her make-up and trying on several different iconic outfits.

In an interview with Vogue, Uchis revealed that fashion immediately came to mind when writing “No Hay Ley.”

“Sometimes when you try to do something too Y2K, it can feel a little bit too cliche or too dated, so I was into keeping it more modern and making a video that was all about motion,” Uchis said. “I wanted to do something I hadn’t really done before.”

At one point, Uchis appears naked and walks through a restaurant as several other couples are enjoying dates in the daytime. Relatively unfazed by the glances she receives, Uchis has found a feeling to hold on to.

Check out the video for “No Hay Ley” above.

In June, Jay-Z launched The Bitcoin Academy which sought to inform residents of Marcy projects on financial literacy through courses focused on Bitcoin and cryptocurrency. The academy began in Marcy as that place is near and dear to Hov’s heart, being that that is where he grew up. As the inaugural class completed their courses this month, both the 4:44 artist and his co-founder, Twitter’s Jack Dorsey, rewarded the graduates in a special way.

In a Wednesday (September 7) tweet, Dorsey proudly exclaimed “An update! At tonight’s graduation class, @sc and I offered each student a grant of $1,000 in bitcoin. Students can save, spend, or send their bitcoin however they choose to keep investing in themselves.” The tweet was accompanied by a photo of seven smiling graduates.

Jay-Z and Jack Dorsey have plans to expand their program beyond the confines of Marcy Projects, as back in February 2021 they launched a $23 million Bitcoin fund with a focus on building teams in Africa and India. Their partnership also extends to Jay-Z’s streaming platform TIDAL, as last year the Roc Nation leader sold his majority stake in TIDAL to Dorsey’s Square Inc. for a reported $302 million.

Check out Jack Dorsey’s tweet about his and Hov’s gift to their inaugural Bitcoin Academy graduates above.

Much to the of many attendees, Mike Dean announced last month that he was removed from Kid Cudi’s Moon Man’s Landing festival taking place this month. While he did not say who directly was responsible, he alluded to it being “Just some baby kid baby sh*t.” Well, it appears that he is now ready to reveal the source of his removal, none other than Scott Mescudi himself. Additionally, he had some other choice words for the “Man On The Moon” artist.

In a now-deleted tweet, the powerhouse producer referred to the festival host as “Mid Cudi.” Fans quickly caught wind of the tweet, posting screenshots and inquiring further about what was going on. Dean went on to say “D*ckhead canceled me just from jealousy. Just because I was on tour with weeknd.”

It didn’t stop there, as one user took up his sword for Kid Cudi and stated “Cudi is selling out arenas I’m sure he’s not upset that you’re an opener” with a laughing emoji and a direct tag of Mike Dean’s Twitter account. Dean fired back with two separate replies. The first was explanatory and a bit somber: “Very upset that I didn’t help put his show together and play keys. So upset he canceled me. End of story. Sad. We were friends. I thought.”

The second response to the same user was a bit spicier, saying “Also there’s more people in a half full stadium when I play than when mid plays the small arenas.”

Kid Cudi has not replied directly to Mike Dean, and seems to be trying to take the higher road as he tweeted “The devil tryn yall but not today or ever again!!” This all comes after the Cleveland artist announced a few months ago that he and Kanye West, a close collaborator of Mike Dean’s, are no longer friends.

Check out Mike Dean’s now-deleted tweet and his tense exchange with the aforementioned Twitter user above.

When Beyonce released Renaissance at the end of July, a major talking point was how heavy it leaned into dance music. Many listeners stated that she would be instrumental in bringing back voguing, a dance style popular in the 1980s that evolved from the Harlem ballroom scene of the 1960s. Well, those people were right, but they may not have anticipated it being done on such a large stage as Lil Nas X commanded on the opening night of his Long Live Montero Tour.

In two separate videos shared on Twitter on Tuesday (September 6) and Wednesday (September 7), the “Industry Baby” artist can be seen vogueing to Beyonce’s “Pure/Honey.” One of those who tweeted captioned their video “Yall @lilnasx voguing to Pure/Honey was everything I didn’t know I needed.” The pop star wasn’t alone either, as his backup dancers joined in. The crowd erupted with excitement, singing along to the lyrics and encouraging the 23-year-old to “cut a rug,” as they would popularly say in the 1920s and 1930s.

Lil Nas X is a talented showman on his own, but infusing Beyonce songs and such a popular dance style into his set likely made that a night that attendees will never forget.

Check out the videos of Lil Nas X voguing to “Pure/Honey” above.

After seven decades on the throne as Britain’s monarch, Queen Elizabeth II passed away on September 8 at the age of 96.

The historic nature of her passing can’t be overstated. Elizabeth was England’s longest-reigning monarch and the second-longest reigning monarch in history (after France’s Louis XIV). She wore the crown for a third of the entire history of the United States, which is mindblowing. The vast majority of people alive today have never lived in a world without Queen Elizabeth. Whatever people’s feelings may be about the monarchy, British colonialism, royal family drama and the like, her passing marks the end of a long and storied era in human history.

Her title and station may have been powerful and consequential, but at the end of the day, she was a human being. The popular Netflix series “The Crown” helped remind people of that fact, but perhaps nothing showed the fun-loving, human side of Queen Elizabeth like the stories told by those who spent the most time with her.

During the celebration of her 70 years of reign this summer, the queen’s former bodyguard Richard “Dick” Griffin told Sky News about a hilarious encounter Elizabeth had with two Americans while hiking in the hills near her castle in Scotland.

The hikers struck up a conversation, and it was immediately clear they didn’t recognize that they were talking to Queen Elizabeth. They told her about where they had traveled around Britain, and then one gentleman asked her where she lived.

“Well, I live in London but I’ve got a holiday home just on the other side of the hills,” the queen responded. She told them she’d been coming to the area since she was a little girl, for over 80 years.

The e man said if she’d been coming there for 80 years, she must have met the queen at some point. Her response was perfectly quick-witted.

“Well I haven’t, but Dick here meets here regularly,” she said, gesturing to Griffin.

Griffin’s response was equally hilarious, playing along with her and never letting the hikers know that they were shooting the breeze with the queen herself.

Watch Dick Griffin tell the story:

u201cthis remains an all-time story about the queenu201d

— David Mack (@David Mack)
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The fact that they asked to get a picture with the bodyguard and not Elizabeth is absolutely hilarious. Imagine their reaction when someone saw their photos and told them. The utter astonishment and hilarity of that moment had to have been epic.

One story among thousands in a life that will not soon be forgotten. Rest in peace, Queen Elizabeth, and condolences to all who loved her.

Hey there, fellow cat people and people who know cat people!

If you’re here, there’s a good chance you know a quirky cat lover or are one yourself, and what a delight. Cats are simply the best creatures, a perfect blend of grace, strength, agility and delightful derpiness. They’re beautiful, soft little weirdos, affectionate when they want to be, aloof when they don’t and notoriously independent.

Cats are superior and they know it, which is hilarious. We may talk about guard dogs, but only a fool would mess with a cat.

Cat people are cat people because they revel in cats’ unique personalities and appreciate their idiosyncrasies. But that doesn’t mean they love all cat-related things.

Let’s say you want to buy a cat person a gift but don’t want it to be a kiddie stuffed animal or kitschy ceramic cat figurine that will just collect dust. Let’s also say your cat person also has a fabulous sense of humor. What do you get them?

How about an unexpectedly hilarious cat-themed book? Like, how could you go wrong with this:

“Crafting With Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make With Your Cat”

by Kaori Tsutaya

Amazon description: “Got fur balls? Are your favorite sweaters covered with cat hair? Do you love to make quirky and one-of-a-kind crafting projects? If so, then it’s time to throw away your lint roller and curl up with your kitty! Crafting With Cat Hair shows readers how to transform stray clumps of fur into soft and adorable handicrafts. From kitty tote bags and finger puppets to fluffy cat toys, picture frames, and more, these projects are cat-friendly, eco-friendly, and require no special equipment or training. You can make most of these projects in under an hour—with a little help, of course, from your feline friends!”

That description is so adorably earnest. Do people really do cat hair crafts? I would buy this book for someone just to see the look on their face.

If that’s a little too gaggy for you, how about this one?

“How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives”

by Zachary Auburn

Amazon description: “For over four decades, the American Association of Patriots have stood at the vanguard of our country’s defense by helping to prepare our nation’s cat owners for the difficult conversations they dread having with their pets. Written in a simple Q&A format, How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety answers crucial questions such as, “What is the right age to talk to my cat about the proper use of firearms?” and “What are the benefits of my cat living a lifestyle of abstinence?” and especially “Why does my cat need to use the internet? Can’t he just play with yarn like cats used to do?”

Our country—and our cats—stand at a precipice. It will take courage, and it will take hard work, but armed with the knowledge within these pages, we can make our cats—and America—great again!”

(Yes, it’s satire. Nobody actually give your cat a gun, please.)

Are you familiar with The Oatmeal? This book from the famous website was a #1 NYT Bestseller.

“How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You”

by The Oatmeal/Matthew Inman

Amazon description: “If your cat is kneading you, that’s not a sign of affection. Your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weakness. If your cat brings you a dead animal, this isn’t a gift. It’s a warning. How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You is a hilarious, brilliant offering of comics, facts, and instructional guides about crazy cat behaviors from the creative wonderland at The Oatmeal.”

Seriously, The Oatmeal is so funny. If that title alone didn’t make you chortle, surely this one will:

“I Could Pee on This and Other Poems by Cats”

by Francesco Marciuliano

Amazon description: “Animal lovers will laugh out loud at the quirkiness of their feline friends with these insightful and curious poems from the singular minds of funny cats. In this hilarious, bestselling book of tongue-in-cheek poetry.”

And finally, the cat butts. I came *this* close to dropping “Cat Butthole Coloring Book: Cat Butts for Cat Lovers” in here, but I couldn’t quite stomach the imagery. This one is still hilarious, but a bit more palatable:

“Butts, Bleps and Beans Cat Coloring Book”

by Lizzie Preston

Amazon description: “The fact that cats used to be worshipped as gods in ancient Egypt might have you think they always act regal and sophisticated. Well, you’d be wrong. Sometimes they just can’t help baring their bums, sticking out their tongues, or acting ridiculous. And we love them for it! Have fun coloring in all the amusingly quirky cats inside this artfully designed cat coloring book for adults.”

(We have a cat who insists on sticking her butt in my face every time she climbs onto my lap. I try not to take it personally.)

Cat gifts for cat lovers should be as quirky and funny and unpredictable as cats themselves, and every one of these books fits that bill.

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