Every ‘The White Lotus’ Season 2 Character Ranked By Thirst

Season two of The White Lotus is undoubtedly horny, which makes sense for a television series set in Italy, of all places. The decadence is sexy, and creator/writer/director Mike White leaned in on the innate sexiness of the surroundings for the season’s themes. Almost every storyline revolves around sex, desire, or attraction in some way, from the anxiety-ridden tension between Harper (Aubrey Plaza) and Cameron (Theo James) to a father, son, and grandson’s trip to the motherland.

Here, because what else was I supposed to do (don’t actually answer that), I ranked every The White Lotus season two character, from Rocco to Lucia by horniness, to distract myself from thinking about how several of these people are probably going to die next week. Here is every character from The White Lotus, ranked from least horny to most horny.

Ethan (Will Sharpe)

This poor (but very rich) man would rather run, watch porn, or take a shower than have sex with Aubrey Plaza. To each their own. Now that things are starting to take an even hornier but incredibly dark turn, Ethan has officially spiraled: he is somehow even less horny and his anger over a perceived affair between Harper and Cameron is giving major looming death/murder vibes. What does Ethan think this is, House of the Dragon? To be fair, at least he’s on the right cable network.

Rocco and Isabella (Federico Ferrante and Eleonora Romandini)

The only thing Rocco and Isabella love more than flirting at the front desk is working at the front desk. Together and as individuals they are sweet and hard-working but completely absent of sexual energy. In episode six, we find out that they are engaged. Good for them! I imagine they will spend the rest of their lives holding hands and smiling at The White Lotus – Sicily reception desk.

Daphne Sullivan (Meghann Fahy)

Daphne is all about balance and control: she is hot for her husband Cameron, but she knows he cheats on her so she takes her desires elsewhere, too, and does whatever she wants, in her own words. Whatever she wants ranges from renting out a palazzo at the last minute to having a ”trainer.” As toxic as it all sounds, Daphne is onto something because somehow, she is the most level-headed, normal person at the resort (that we know of). She’s horny, yes, but unlike the people she’s vacationing with, she has her impulses, desires, and petty little ways of getting revenge on Cam under control.

Tanya McQuoid-Hunt (Jennifer Coolidge)

Tanya might be horny once in a while but above all, she longs for love, admiration, and belonging. More than anything, Tanya is horny for not being alone.

Greg (Jon Gries)

For Tanya’s suspicious husband Greg, it is not a question of if he is horny but rather, who is he horny for? It’s certainly not his wife and is most likely his wife’s new, secretly sinister gay bestie Quentin, who he is likely in cahoots with due to a possible shared past.

Mia (Beatrice Granno)

Mia has taken quite the journey since the first episodes when she was longing for a guy named Massimo. Lucia inadvertently created a monster who is on the prowl every night at The White Lotus – Sicily bar, where she’s earned herself a position as an entertainer, and, somehow, ended up in bed with Valentina, who has spent most of the week trying to kick her off the premises. While Mia might not be the horniest person at the resort, it turns out, being adjacent to extremely horny people is a major motivator for her.

Dominic Di Grasso (Michael Imperioli)

Dominic arrived at his Sicily getaway with his father and son an extremely sad, horny man ready to unleash his sad, horny energy every night with a woman he’d never have to see or worry about again. Dominic is trying to save his family by resisting this sad horniness, but unfortunately, Lucia, the woman he planned to spend the week with and never see again, is becoming a more permanent part of his vacation (and possibly his life) thanks to his also very sad, horny son. Like father, like son, like grandfather, I guess?

Valentina

The White Lotus – Sicily manager Valentina is horny but doesn’t even know it, really. She also doesn’t know what to do about it. But following her little tryst with Mia in episode six, that might change.

Giueseppe (Federico Scribani)

Piano player Giuseppe is so horny that he almost died for it, considering he took a pill from Mia without knowing where it came from.

Portia (Haley Lu Richardson)

Portia was horny until she spent an entire day and night with a boy from Essex. My hope for Portia is that she finds herself, gets a healthy job, gets a more cohesive wardrobe that does not look exactly like my closest in the fifth grade, and never talks to a British man again (no offense to British men, she just needs to stay very far away from the possibility of this ever happening again).

Lucia (Simona Tobasco)

Horny for money as is her right, but also kind of genuinely horny, too.

Albie Di Grasso (Adam DiMarco)

Albie tries so hard to be a nice, respectful guy that he doesn’t even realize how horny he is, and just how much he actually has in common with his father and grandfather.

Quentin (Tom Hollander)

Quentin is horny for some cash, and will do whatever he can to get it (and, along the way, it doesn’t hurt to have a young man from Essex who may or may not be his nephew there to fulfill any sexual needs? Mike White is a mad genius.

Bert Di Grasso (F. Murray Abraham)

Old Bert is very horny and he is not afraid to let everyone know it, including his grandson and every woman he interacts with or sees. He’s so horny that he did not mind finding two young women he did not know in his hotel room.

Cameron (Theo James)

Cameron is one of those wealthy people – even worse, one of those wealthy men – who think they can have whatever they want. Cameron’s horniness and addiction to money and power have made him a little unhinged and not as subtle as he thinks. Since he grazed Harper’s leg at dinner, he is progressively getting more and more flirtatious with her, to the point where Ethan is suspicious of him, with good reason. Cameron is a classic horn dog, with all the fixings (sorry).

Harper (Aubrey Plaza)

Harper is as horny as a hot woman in a sexless marriage should be, and is so horny that she is successfully seduced by Cameron, who represents everything she hates. Harper is so thirsty that she is compelled by a man who disgusts her. That’s part of why it’s hot, but still.

Jack aka Essex Boy

Jack the fake (hopefully?) nephew from Essex is hornier than a Love Island contestant from Essex, and he will probably be a horny Love Island contestant from Essex if he gets out of this trip to Italy alive.