Garrison Brothers Cowboy Bourbon has only been around for about for eight years, but it’s already one of the most beloved and sought-after bottle drops on the yearly bourbon calendar. Folks line up overnight to grab one of the only 1,000 bottles released at the Hye, Texas distillery, which happened last weekend. Naturally, every bottle was gone as quickly as people could file into the distillery after the gates opened.
If you happened to miss that bottle launch, don’t worry, you’re still in luck. This year, 8,600 bottles are being released on October 1st, which means that it’s high time for a bottle review.
Before we dive into what’s actually in this bottle and how to buy it (I’ll cover that below too), let’s look at where this whiskey is made. Garrison Brothers Distillery is set amongst the old oaks, Texas Longhorn cows, coyotes, and scrub of Texas Hill Country. The grains the distillery pulls for their mash are all locally grown in Texas and include sweeter, food-grade white corn (most bourbon is made with yellow corn). Moreover, the water used in every step of the process is collected rainwater that’s stored all over the 60+ acre property. Long mashing (boiling grains to extract sugars), longer fermentation (letting yeasts turn those sugars into alcohol/beer), and low-and-slow antique still distillation all add to the terroir of Texas present in the juice made in Hye.
Then there’s the aging that’s done on-site as well. Most Garrison Brothers’ bourbons are rested in standard 53-gallon barrels (Cowboy Bourbon actually isn’t but I’ll get into that below) and stored in a “palletized” system. That means the barrels are stacked on pallets on their heads and then stacked three or four pallets high in a barrel house (this is largely for easier access to barrels as they age).
Finally, the weather in Hye can range from below 50 degrees at night to above 100 during the day in a single 24-hour period. That temperature swing means the barrels are constantly expanding and contracting a lot, which then means that the juice in those barrels is in contact with the wood way more than, say, Scotland where the weather is far milder and has far less of a temperature swing. That, in turn, means that there’s just more of those wood sugars going into the whiskey more quickly and deeply, which means that you need an expert master distiller at the helm to make sure things aren’t overcooked. Luckily, Donnis Todd is just that expert for Garrison Brothers and cares deeply about every step of this process.
All of that adds up to make Garrison (and several other Texas whiskeys) extremely unique and very much driven by being made in Texas. In short, it’s not just a gimmick, Texas whiskey really is its own thing from top to bottom.
Okay, let’s get into what’s in this year’s Cowboy Bourbon bottle!
Also Read: The Top 5 UPROXX Bourbon Posts Of The Last Six Months
Cowboy Bourbon is Garrison Brother’s signature bottle of whiskey. This year’s release was made from 118 hand-selected 25-gallon barrels, aged between eight and nine years. Master Distiller Donnis Todd went through all of their small-format barrels over the course of the year to find a dozen or so that he thought met the high standards of Cowboy Bourbon without filtering or cutting with water. That makes this a very as-is representation of what makes Garrison Bros. special.
The Bottle:
The bottle is a classic large format whiskey bottle. It’s dipped in hot wax to seal and comes in a plush wooden box. Overall, this has a great presentation that works both as a bar cart centerpiece and as a great gift.
Tasting Notes:
The nose opens with a rush of sharp cinnamon bark wrapped up with old saddle leather, freshly fried apple fritters, walnuts, old cedar bark braids twisted up with dried wild sage, and a hint of dried yellow mustard flowers with an underlying sense of maple syrup over pecan waffles. The palate leans into the spice with a hint of allspice and ginger next to apple pie filling with walnuts, brandy-soaked raisins, and plenty of brown sugar next, next to spiced Christmas cake dipped in dark chocolate sauce.
The end takes its time and meanders through salted caramel, stewed plums with star anise and sharp cinnamon, a hint of vanilla Dr. Pepper, and a mild sense of chocolate-cinnamon-spiced chewing tobacco buzziness with a warming Texas hug that’s part Hot Tamales and part chili-spiced green tea.
This felt like a journey through an old rickhouse that had a cake and candy shop in it. It was heavy and hot yet somehow soft and almost light on the palate. It was nuanced but never overwrought or exhausting. It’s perfectly balanced.
Bottom Line:
I really like this neat, but it’s a lot (especially for a beginner palate). I’d recommend taking your time with a little water to let it bloom in the glass. The creaminess of the dark chocolate and vanilla really amp up. It also shines over a single rock; the creaminess pops alongside an almost bitter espresso and an old oak stave note comes into play.
Ranking:
95/100: This is a damn near perfect whiskey. It’s hot though and you can feel that heat (with purpose) which is all that’s holding it back from a perfect score.
Where To Buy:
8,600 bottles will be released across the U.S. in 42 states. The suggested retail price is $249.99. Check-in with your local liquor store to find out if they stock it before October 1st.
The only thing scarier than a horde of zombies? Network notes. The Walking Dead returns this weekend for its final eight episodes, with the series finale coming on November 20. Deaths are inevitable because, well, have you seen The Walking Dead? There’s a lot of death. Also, the episode is titled “Rest in Peace.” Somehow, they’ll find a way to bring back Glenn, kill him for a second time, and break our hearts again.
In an interview with Radio Times, showrunner Angela Kang discussed the final season, including how “our intended final scene is not the final scene anymore,” she said. “I won’t go into that now, so early in the process, but sometimes, even after you’ve shot things, it changes in the post-production process. It’s a living work, as we go.”
Kang said she and her writers “are responsible for trying to map out the story and come up with a pitch for it, but then – with any show, but especially a show like this – there’s a lot of people that are gonna look at what you’re doing.” That includes the producers, the studio, and the network, as well as the cast.
It’s unclear whether the original final scene will appear elsewhere in the episode — or whether, say, AMC wanted it removed entirely — but “let’s just say that things changed,” Kang teased. The 17-or-so spinoffs in production might have something to do with it, too.
During a recent profile in The Guardian, Paramore spoke about the band’s upcoming album This Is Why, which arrives in early 2023. Along with discussing everything from the album’s influences to why the band took a break following their last record in 2017, the profile also confirms that lead singer Hayley Williams and guitarist Taylor York are dating.
The profile notes that the members “regard each other with a sort of fond awe,” before elaborating that Williams and York “confirmed rumours that they are dating, but declined to comment further.”
Williams had previously been married to New Found Glory’s Chad Gilbert before announcing their divorce in 2017. Paramore fans had began speculating a relationship between York and Williams in 2020, as she released certain solo songs that seemed to allude to it.
The closing track on Williams’ debut solo album, “Crystal Clear” ends with the line, “Friends or lovers / (Clear) Won’t give into the fear.” Geniusnotes it as another love song, before connecting it to her other speculative track.
“Taken,” which also appears on her album Petals For Armor, very clearly confirms that Williams was dating, but didn’t reveal who. “It’s easy to see how people stop believing / ‘Cause everyone I know’s got a broken heart / And though I’m still picking up my pieces / He makes me wanna give it another shot,” she sings.
Check out a few Paramore fan reactions about Williams and York below.
PARAMORE’S HAYLEY WILLIAMS AND TAYLOR YORK FINALLY CONFIRMED DATING RUMORS CONSIDERING THEY KIND OF ALREADY DID 2 YEARS AGO WHEN HAYLEY STATED IN A POST THAT TAYLOR SECRETLY RECORDED HAYLEY’S GRANDFATHER’S SONG ‘FRIENDS OR LOVERS’ AND PUT IT FOR HER SOLO ALBUM PETALS FOR ARMOR pic.twitter.com/UerMuuekx7
On Tuesday, Perry Greene — Marjorie Taylor Greene’s presumably better half for more than a quarter-century — filed for divorce. In papers filed with the court, Greene stated that the couple had been separated for quite some time and that their marriage of 27 years was “irretrievably broken,” which sounds way harsher than the typical “irreconcilable differences” excuse. While some people were shocked to hear the news, Jimmy Kimmel was not.
On Thursday, he announced the kooky Georgia congresswoman’s newly-single status, and posited what he believes was the final straw in their union:
One of Trump’s most loyal MAGA maggots is congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene — she’s getting divorced. Her husband, Perry Greene, filed for divorce yesterday after 27 years. His original sentence was 30 years, but the judge shaved three years off for good behavior.
In the space where he had to state the reason for divorce, he wrote: ‘I am married to Marjorie Taylor Greene.’
Marge, meanwhile, seems to be taking the divorce in relative stride. On the same day her soon-to-be ex filed for divorce, she was complaining about the media mischaracterizing her hog hunting contest.
.@HuffPost I demand you change this headline and your lies about me immediately.
Your freedom of press is not freedom to lie about me.
I NEVER said anything like this and did NOT call for violence on Democrats.
Bad Bunny was the big winner last night (September 29) at the Billboard Latin Music Awards. The Puerto Rican superstar won the most awards of the night followed by Farruko and Karol G.
Bad Bunny was the most-nominated artist at this year’s Billboard Latin Music Awards. He received 23 nominations across 13 categories for his chart-topping album Un Verano Sin Ti. Though he wasn’t in attendance last night, he ended up winning nine awards, including Artist Of The Year, Tour Of The Year, and Top Latin Album Of The Year.
Puerto Rican singer Farruko followed Bad Bunny with four wins. He scored a big hit last year with the guaracha-infused “Pepas.” Farruko’s wins included Hot Latin Song Of The Year and Sales Song Of The Year. Colombian superstar Karol G won three awards, including Hot Latin Songs Artist Of The Year — Female and Top Latin Albums Artist Of the Year — Female.
Among the memorable performances, Colombian singer Manuel Turizo sang his global top 10 hit “La Bachata.” Earlier this month, Coldplayinvited him to sing the song at their concert in Bogotá, Colombia. Turizo serenaded the audience with a sweet performance of his heartbreak anthem.
After being honored with the Spirit Of Hope Award for her philanthropic work, Christina Aguilera sang her ranchera ballad “La Reina” for the first time. She sounded incredible as she tapped into the song’s empowering message that a king isn’t a king without his queen. The performance comes on the heels of her new EP La Luz dropping today with the song “No Es Que Te Extrañe” that might be about her estranged father.
The most unique performance of the night belonged to Puerto Rican singer Elvis Crespo. Bad Bunny pulled inspiration from Crespo’s music video for “Suavemente” for his own retro video for “Neverita.” Crespo paid homage to Bad Bunny by performing “Neverita” in a special medley with “Suavemente.”
Coldplay is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
We regret to inform you that the celebs are at it again. Last year, there was a rash of celebrities who, like most people, were going stir crazy from the pandemic and over-sharing weird quirks about their lives. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were at the forefront of that craze by revealing that they rarely bathe their kids or themselves, and now, they’re back with another doozy.
While promoting her new movie, Luckiest Girl Alive, Kunis revealed that she and Kutcher don’t believe in closing doors to rooms at their house, and that includes while going to the bathroom. Via E! News:
“It’s just one of those where, for better or for worse, as a family and the kids have all kind of embodied bodily function as a very standard norm.”
Now, if this comes as a shock to you, just know it was once a surprise to Mila, too. She noted, “I’d never thought that I would be the person that was able to go to the bathroom with the door open.”
According to Kunis, she gave up on bathroom privacy thanks to everyone in the house not caring that she was, uh, doing her business. Instead of setting boundaries and telling her family to give her a freaking minute, Kunis just accepted her new openly pooping lifestyle. “I was like, ‘Oh, forget it. Just keep the door open,’” she told E! News.
LCD Soundsystem has returned with their first new song in five years, “New Body Rhumba.” It comes from the soundtrack for White Noise, a Noah Baumbach-directed film based on the book by Don DeLillo and starring Adam Driver and Greta Gerwig.
“New Body Rhumba” is spunky and idiosyncratic off the bat, retaining the signature chaotic LCD Soundsystem sound that fans love them for. The personality only strengthens throughout the seven minutes — it doesn’t feel long, in fact, it’s over before you know it.
Back in March, LCD Soundsystem leader James Murphy took to Facebook to share an update with fans, explaining they don’t want to have to worry about enduring press cycles. “…[T]here’s a thing with tour, also, where you invest so much time, energy, and cost into ‘getting ready’ that you wind up touring for ages just to make it worthwhile… then you need a big break again,” Murphy said. “Then you are reluctant to start all over again. It’s a cycle. We really wanted to stop living like that, so We talked about just playing some shows in New York, since most of us live here, and not making it too big of a deal.”
The lineups have so far been unveiled for shows in Atlanta, Boston, Chicago, Detroit, Fort Worth/Dallas, Los Angeles, Miami, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC. The trek will begin November 29 at Dickies Arena in Fort Worth, Texas, with Harlow, Black Eyed Peas, Khalid, Lauv, Ava Max, Lewis Capaldi, Lauren Spencer-Smith, Jax, and Nicky Youre taking the stage.
Macklemore is expected to join the lineup in Chicago on December 5, and The Kid LAROI joining the party in Boston on December 11. Puth and Sam Smith are among performers in Philadelphia on December 12 and DC on December 13, and Anitta will rock in Miami on December 18.
Last year’s Jingle Ball ended with a thud. The last stop of the tour was canceled out of precaution for the then-spreading Omicron variant, following individual COVID-related cancellations by Doja Cat and Lil Nas X. The 2020 Jingle Ball was held virtually.
See the 2022 Jingle Ball dates below. Tickets will go on public sale next Friday (October 7) here.
11/29 — Ft. Worth/Dallas @ Dickies Arena
12/02 — Los Angeles @ The Kia Forum
12/05 — Chicago @ Allstate Arena
12/06 — Detroit @ Little Caesars Arena
12/11 — Boston @ TD Garden
12/12 — Philadelphia @ Wells Fargo Center
12/13 — Washington, DC @ Capitol One Arena
12/15 — Atlanta @ State Farm Arena
12/18 — Miami/Ft. Lauderdale @ FLA Live Arena
Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
When Hugh Jackman announced that he would return as Wolverine in the upcoming Deadpool movie, many fans were wondering how exactly Ryan Reynolds was able to convince the actor to do it, despite the fact that he said a long, gruesome goodbye to the character in 2017’s Logan.
Jackman had been playing Wolverine since 2000’s X-Men, and a lot has changed since then, but the most important factor is that Disney has acquired Fox since then, so the Deadpool 3 will likely have a massive budget (for better or worse). Still, he probably is returning because he loves the character so much, right?!
Uncrazed, a celebrity sighting TikTok account (yes, that’s a real subgenre of TikTok) posted a video with the Wolverine himself, who seems ecstatic to return to the screen. Or maybe he’s just ecstatic to finally get an MCU paycheck. Either way, he looks happy! When asked how they convinced him to return for the role, Jackman said, “Come on…I make my own decisions brother.” Maybe he just really just wanted to start wearing sideburns again.
No matter why or how he decided to return, it’s nice to see him back making those silly little wolverine gestures with his fingers! Deadpool 3 will kick off Phase Six of the next Marvel chapter beginning in 2024. Shawn Levy is attached to direct, and it doesn’t seem like any other X-men have signed on to appear….yet!
The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.
ITEM NUMBER ONE – Stay with me here
There’s a long and storied history of 9-1-1 doing just the most lunatic stuff you can imagine. The first episode of the first season featured a woman almost getting strangled to death by her own pet snake. A child floated away inside a bouncy house on a windy day. A body fell out of an airplane and landed on top of another dead body that was in a coffin, during a funeral, in front of everyone. Just last week, in the season premiere, a blimp crashed into a soccer stadium. It’s a fun show. But it might have topped all of that this week.
Let’s set the scene: A dude is watering the plants in his little garden. He’s kind of obsessive about it, to the degree he has cameras installed all around the house to monitor them. This is his wife.
FOX
File that away.
So he notices the ground around the garden sinking a little and assumes he has rodents or something burrowing underneath the yard. This leads to an extensive montage of anti-vermin measures taken over the musical backing of, I swear to god…
FOX
Again, a wonderful television program.
After the montage, and I must stress that we are maybe four minutes into the show here at most, the husband comes home early from work and his wife rushes out of the house all flustered to greet him.
Remember the thing about him caring more about the plants than her?
Remember the thing about all the cameras?
Keep filing those away.
FOX
The husband starts getting fed up. He’s not catching these rodents with his conventional traps. So he takes extreme measures. What kind of extreme measures, you ask, as though I’m not going to tell you with words and more screencaps as soon as this sentence is over?
I’m glad you asked. He set off a bomb. Under their yard. There was an explosion and everything. His wife was very concerned, which would be a normal reaction for anyone whose spouse just blew up the yard…
FOX
… but she was, like, very concerned. Like “call the ambulance right away” concerned. Which seemed odd, until you remember the things I told you to file away and the fact that this show is staffed with maniacs who spend all day thinking up the most unhinged scenarios they can get their brains to spit out. All of which is to say, yes, of course the woman had been having an affair with the neighbor, who had built a full-on drug smuggler tunnel under the ground between their houses so he could sneak over without getting caught on the husband’s cameras.
A visual representation will help. Let’s do that.
FOX
It was amazing. There was a whole second montage of him excitedly diving into his tunnel whenever the husband left for work and then popping up through a hole in the closet on her side, everyone all smiles and raging libidos. I laughed out loud. A lot. I mean…
FOX
Two notes here:
The neighbor’s name was Gary, which is somehow the perfect name for the kind of dude who builds a tunnel to have an affair with his garden-obsessed dweeby neighbor’s neglected wife
Gary survived the tunnel bomb
It’s a happy ending.
FOX
Well, uh, kind of. The husband sort of admitted to the firefighters that he suspected the neighbor was down there in the tunnel and blew him up anyway. So… he got arrested. For attempted murder via backyard tunnel bomb. Which would be a really fun story to see on the local news. Please consider this my pitch for a 9-1-1 spinoff that does just that, tells the stories from every episode of the show through the lens of a local Los Angeles news affiliate. We can do crossover episodes sometimes. A cameraman can try to electrocute an anchor he doesn’t like. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing here. These people are clearly the experts. Let’s leave it to them.
ITEM NUMBER TWO – Well, guess what: Colin Farrell got kicked by a donkey
Focus Features
You hear a lot about behind-the-scenes drama on movie sets. This person didn’t like that person, or this guy didn’t like that the other guy got paid more than him, or the whole cast didn’t like the way the director went about the directing. Look at the run-up to Don’t Worry Darling and its various alleged shouting matches and workplace romances and potential spit-based fiascos. Look at the Fast & Furious franchise and its infamous beef between its two beefiest stars. This is all familiar territory.
What is less familiar, however, is a donkey kicking the star of a movie. Which is a shame, kind of. Not that I want to see Hollywood stars get kicked by donkeys. I mean, I do, a little, at least in a way that doesn’t leave anyone maimed or injured horribly. I could go for lots of stories about big stars getting a little light to moderate donkey kicking. I could go for one or two a month, honestly. That’s why it brings me so much pleasure to inform all of you that Colin Farrell got kicked by a donkey on the set of his new movie, Banshees of Inisherin.
“Ah, Jenny was tricky,” Farrell recalls, sitting down alongside McDonagh and Brendan Gleeson in a new Empire interview. “It was her first film, but she acted like it was her 100th. She was kind of over it. Kind of jaded,” he jokes. “She didn’t like her nose being touched, I found out. She kicked me in the knee. But that was my fault. I got too close to her.”
The thing here, which I swear made sense when it first popped into my brain, is that Colin Farrell is pretty much the perfect person to get kicked by a donkey on the set of a movie. He’s attractive and talented enough that there’s a petty part of me that’s like “Yeah, good, I’m glad that donkey kicked him,” but he’s also so charming and likable that he can tell a story about getting kicked in the leg by a donkey and make it sound like a little light goofing around on set. There are some celebrities who would probably want the thing euthanized. Right there. Between shots.
So, I guess everything worked out here, is the m-
Farrell fared better with another animal, Minnie the horse – but proved similarly unlucky with a canine co-star. “Minnie was great,” he says. “Minnie proved that there’s no such thing as small parts, just small actors. And [Gleeson’s] dog! I fucking got bitten by your fucking dog! I still have the scar. The donkey kicked me, the dog bit me…”
Hmm. I guess the takeaway here is that a lot of animals hate Colin Farrell. Maybe they’re a little petty about the good looks and talent, too. At least they’re kind of allowed to kick him and bite him about it, though. If I did it, they would lock me up.
ITEM NUMBER THREE – Jim, please go inside (do not actually go inside)
Two things are undeniably true here: One, sometimes Mother Nature will wage war against the planet via natural disaster, be it tornado or blizzard or hurricane, as she did this week with Hurricane Ian in Florida; two, whenever she does that first thing, Weather Channel meteorologist Jim Cantore will drive to wherever it’s happening and stare her straight in the face in defiance of good sense and most life insurance policies.
That’s him up there — wearing a helmet, which is the first sign you’re doing something reckless — getting walloped by a semi-airborne tree branch on live television. It’s also him down here avoiding getting struck by lightning right on his helmet by a small enough distance that he damn near leaped out of the frame.
I don’t know why we keep doing this. Why we keep sending our most charismatic weather professionals into harm’s way whenever we see nasty conditions. Why we don’t just, like, set up a camera or fly in a drone and let them report from the safety and warmth of a television studio. Where there’s no dangerous flying debris or lightning strikes. And coffee. Donuts, too, sometimes. I’m not the smartest man alive but I do know that, as a general policy, I want to be wherever the donuts are. That’s what I’m about.
Jim… not so much. The man loves this stuff. He lives for it. I genuinely think it might be his favorite part of his job, which is kind of weird and kind of cool, pretty much in equal parts. He’s almost definitely the only member of the Weather Hall of Fame — a real thing he is a real member of — who has a four-paragraph entry on his Wikipedia page under the heading “Viral Videos”:
On January 28, 2014, while doing a live on-location report at the College of Charleston in Charleston, South Carolina, Cantore was charged by a student named Colin Marcelli. Cantore noticed the charge, and kneed Marcelli in the groin. Marcelli immediately ran off. Cantore never broke his train of thought nor appeared frazzled during the incident. A recording of the shot has gained upwards of two million views on YouTube.
On February 14, 2015, while covering the impacts of Winter Storm Neptune along the South Shore of Massachusetts, an intense band of thundersnow struck the area, causing Cantore to react excitedly to the presence of the ultra-rare phenomenon. The video of his reaction now has over 5,000,000 views on YouTube.
On October 10, 2018, while covering landfall of Hurricane Michael in Panama City Beach, Florida, Cantore was forced to quickly dodge a flying piece of lumber while reporting live. Video of the incident was viewed on Twitter more than 500,000 times in the hour after its occurrence.
On September 28, 2022, while covering Category 4 Hurricane Ian, Cantore was hit by a flying tree branch in the eyewall of the storm at Punta Gorda, Florida.
So… I guess my point is… congratulations?
To Jim Cantore?
On the… hurricane?
I’m just going to stay inside. Near the donuts. Again, this is, in a nutshell, what I am about.
ITEM NUMBER FOUR – Oh look, a movie for Brian
Getty Image
Sometimes you’ll hear someone is making a movie about something and you’ll slap yourself in the forehead and say, “Oh duh, someone should have made like three movies about that already, Jesus Christ, what was our problem?” Maybe it’s just me who does that. In an event, I did just do exactly that, this week, when I saw that Jonathan Majors was zeroing in on the role of Dennis Rodman in a movie about the time Dennis Rodman ran off to Las Vegas with Carmen Electra for 48 hours in the middle of the 1998 NBA Finals.
I want this movie right now. I want to watch it this weekend. I would actually prefer to stop typing this paragraph and watch it immediately if anyone knows how to fold space and time in half to make that happen. Look at this thing.
Everybody had heard the rumors of this crazy story when it first happened in the ’90s, but it was recently given the spotlight again following the success of the Michael Jordan-Chicago Bulls doc The Last Dance, which premiered to massive numbers last May. The incident was given the full treatment in the doc, with everyone from Jordan to coach Phil Jackson to supermodel Carmen Electra talking about what went down as Rodman took the trip all while the Bulls were trying to complete its second three-peat championship run.
I know people always say stuff like “imagine if that happened today,” but, like, imagine if that happened today. In the age of social media. Where everyone could take pictures of the 6’8 heavily-tattooed NBA All-Star and his Playmate girlfriend hanging around Las Vegas during the NBA Finals his very famous team is very much trying to win. Where NBA Twitter would vibrate with such intensity about it that you’d be able to hear a disquieting hum in the air every time you went outside. Where ESPN has about 150 hours of programming to fill over a half dozen channels every single day. It would be chaos. Woj and Shams might start glowing, literally. I would like it a lot.
Anyway, the biggest question I have now is who they’re going to get to play Michael Jordan in the scene where Jordan reportedly showed up in Vegas to collect him and he was just chilling in his bed with Carmen Electra when the greatest player in the history of basketball marched into his room. God, I need this movie.
Snoop Dogg was on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune. That’s… cool. It’s really cool. It’s a fun thing to say and a fun thing to type and a fun thing to just have be a real thing that happened. It’s weird, kind of, given the thing where he was once one of the most divisive figures in all of popular music due to various murder-related lyrics and his love of marijuana. But time softens things. He did a cooking show with Martha Stewart. You can basically buy weed at the store now. We have much bigger problems to deal with. Let Snoop solve some puzzles.
Or rather, uh, let Snoop try to solve some puzzles. It didn’t go great. Watch that video up there. It’s really very funny. You can read this paragraph instead if you want, I guess, but I really do recommend you watch that video first.
When the board only showed a few letters, he guessed: “Baking onions.” The right answer was actually “Baking brownies.” “Martha’s gonna be upset,” joked the host. Another guess he made was “Airport teacher” instead of “Acting teacher.” An even more baffling guess was “Swallowing the knot” instead of “Sweetening the pot.” Somehow they became weirder as he went on. However, he finally had his moment of redemption with “Sun’s out bun’s out.”
God bless everyone involved in making this a reality. Let Snoop do all the game shows. Get him on Holey Moley. The people deserve this. I deserve it, at the very least. I am people. Listen to me.
READER MAIL
If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.
From Mark:
My friends and I played this game the other night and I think you would enjoy it, too. You can have your pick of any celebrity to appear as a guest on Hot Ones. The only rules are they can’t have been a guest on Hot Ones before and they have to be alive. That’s it. Who are you picking? I feel like you’ll pick Vin Diesel. Are you picking Vin Diesel?
Oh man, what a good email. I could think about this one for days. And I have been, seeing as Mark sent this on Tuesday and I’m just writing this up Thursday night. I am really good at time management.
To answer the question: No, I am not picking Vin Diesel, actually. And to answer the original question: I am picking Joe Pera, Buffalo comedian and star of the now-canceled beautiful little show Joe Pera Talks With You. Look at this sweet man.
Anyway, my reasons for this selection are as follows:
He’s great
I think he would be a good guest
I want to see what happens to his face when he eats a really spicy chicken wing
Hot Ones, if you are reading this, please book Joe Pera on the upcoming season. Thank you.
A NASA spacecraft has intentionally slammed into an asteroid in humanity’s first test of planetary defense.
Every now and then a piece of news will lodge itself into my brain and refuse to leave until I learn every single thing about it. That’s what happened here. I could not stop reading articles about the NASA DART mission. Which was good, mostly because it pushed the international chess cheating scandal out of my head. That was becoming a problem. I had other things to do this week. Like, for example, apparently, reading about space things.
While the asteroid, Dimorphos, was not at risk of impacting Earth, this demonstration could determine how to deflect space rocks that could pose a threat to Earth in the future.
A couple of things are worth noting here: The first is that, for all the talk about “smashing” and “crashing” and “slamming” the spaceship into the asteroid, if you watched the actual video, it just kind of looked like a light little bonking. Like a nudge. Which brings me to the second thing: After years of watching movies like Armageddon where people go to space and blow stuff up to save the planet, this was all somehow equally disappointing and hilarious. Just a lil bonk. Boop. Get out of there, buddy.
At the time of impact, Didymos and Dimorphos were relatively close to Earth – within 6.8 million miles (11 million kilometers). The team estimates that the spacecraft hit the asteroid at a point about 55 feet (17 meters) away from the space rock’s center.
The goal of the spacecraft, in addition to impact, is to affect the motion of an asteroid in space, but DART team members say it will take about two months for scientists to determine if the asteroid’s orbit changed
The funniest thing — I use this term very loosely here — would be if we all miscalculated and ended up knocking this thing straight into ourselves. That would be a real apocalyptic kick in the pants. Maybe then we could explode it, though. Let’s see how this one plays out.
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