Most of us know that while we colloquially throw around the word “narcissist” to label someone as arrogant or selfish, those who are actually diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are quite rare.
We also know that self-aware narcissists are even rarer. And yet, TikTok has become a booming platform for self-described narcissists to offer insights into how their minds work and even encourage others to seek therapy. This makes sense—you get the ego-boosting attention of likes and views while also developing more altruistic intentions. Win, win.
At the very least, it seems to be further proof that while NPD is a serious disorder that can leave a trail of hurt and abuse in its wake, no two people are alike, and we find more understanding in not lumping all narcissists together.
TikTok creator Lillith (aka @toxiccwaste0) claims she was formerly diagnosed with NPD in 2021. Bearing in mind we only have anecdotal evidence to go on, Lillith describes behaviors that do align with certain NPD-specific criteria—including a lack of empathy, intense pleasure-seeking, and a habit of “love-bombing”—as she shares her experience of being what she calls a “reformed narcissist
One video, which currently has over 76,000 views, shows Lilith responding to someone’s question about the worst thing she had done physically or mentally to someone. Liltih obliged, adding the warning that anyone who could relate to what she was saying should seek help.
“I’m prefacing this with: This is wrong and you shouldn’t do this to people,” Lilith began, adding that she always viewed potential relationships as a “game of chess” rather than anything romantic.
“Everything that I said or did was planned and thought out to get reactions and to get people to do certain things,” she said. “So I pushed people to really bad places.” One example she gave was an account of manipulating a person into sending $150,000 over the pandemic using triggers she had picked up on.
“I was telling him to kill himself and was being really mean and making him cry all the time, and I would lie to him and then I would give him doses of what he wanted,” Lilith said. “But I was mostly just really abusive…I just wanted to keep him so I could keep using him.”
Watch:
@toxiccwaste0 Replying to @jakiviachantae I always said I’d answer anything honestly, I honestly am so ashamed of this stuff and it’s mad weird of me to put it on the internet but here I am lol #npdtiktok #clusterbpersonalitydisorder #narcawareness #narcissist ♬ original sound – lilith
Though she used to consider her ability to “implant thoughts” into people’s brains as cool, Lilith shared that now she feels “disgusted.” She also wrote in the comments section that she has no desire to be considered a “role model,” but instead sees her confessional-style videos as a form of possible redemption for her “terrible choices.”
Many people saw Lilith taking accountability as a good thing and even validating for some who had been previously abused by narcissists.
One person wrote, “If you’re a narcissist, coming here and admitting this sort of stuff is 100% healing.”
Another added, “All I’ve ever wanted from the people who treated me this way was to admit it and attempt to live in their truth. I appreciate you.”
Again, though it is not common for a narcissist to view their behavior as hurtful (hence one reason it is so painful to be in a relationship with one), certain studies indicate that those with NPD can still learn aspects of emotional intelligence through therapy. And going off of Lilith’s plethora of videos detailing how she is trying to change, there seems to be a sliver of hope.
If you’d like to follow more of Lilith’s videos, you can find her on TikTok.