Month: April 2023

The best part of The Super Mario Bros. Movie was the Luma begging for the sweet relief of death. The second best part was Jack Black’s “Peaches” song. The third best? Jack Black’s press tour. He dressed like Bowser, called Elon Musk’s bluff, and revealed that the movie he’s proudest of isn’t necessarily his best. Black is very invested in the Mario-verse, and hopefully Nintendo and Illumination are invested in his casting ideas. Because they’re very good.

When asked about a potential (and inevitable, considering the movie’s box office domination) sequel, Black told Gamespot, “It’s not a given that Bowser will return. You know, I did a few Kung Fu Panda movies, and it was a different villain every movie. They may do the same thing.” He continued:

“You know, what if there is a more powerful, more evil villain? Then I may need to be turned to help Mario and the rest to defend our universe against some other unseen force of evil. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Wario. Pedro Pascal is Wario.”

The Last of Us star is one curled mustache away from the role:

Ethan Hawke can be his Luigi.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie is out in theaters now.

(Via Gamespot)

WARNING: Spoilers for Succession below.

Keeping in the proud HBO tradition of brutal weddings, Succession patriarch Logan Roy died during the latest gut punch of an episode. Focused entirely on business, as always, Logan dropped dead during a flight to Sweden where he planned to sell off his media empire instead of handing it over to his children, who have continued to be a disappointment to him.

However, the shocking and emotionally riveting depiction of Logan’s death left the door open to numerous questions about what really happened on that flight, and Brian Cox is apparently jumping right in to the conspiracy theories that are already forming.

Here’s what Cox told the official Succession podcast via Rolling Stone:

“We don’t actually see Logan die,” he said. “We know about it, we hear about it; but we don’t actually see it. We don’t even know if that body at the end of the episode is Logan’s body. So there’s a sort of mystery — is Logan dead? Or is he just gone to somewhere else? Or is he testing his family to see how they’re going to react when he’s dead. That’s the other attitude.”

According to Cox, if Logan did fake his death, it’d be to set up a new life for himself in the north of Scotland. Is that the case? Probably not. Succession creator Jesse Armstrong, and even Cox himself, has confirmed in interviews that Logan is gone, and both defended the creative decision. That said, Logan is a wily old bastard and the show already pulled off one mega twist, so literally anything is on the table going into the series finale.

Succession Season 4 airs Sunday on HBO.

(Via Rolling Stone)

Doja Cat’s fans are anxiously waiting for her next album, but her Twitter account is its own art form. Credit where credit is due: Doja Cat doesn’t delete tweets. She does the opposite. She piles them one by one until a thread is so layered that you can’t remember which tweet started it all.

When someone mocked Doja’s decision to undergo surgical procedures such as breast reduction and liposuction, she clapped back with, “eat my long quiet and warm farts.” And on Saturday, April 8, Doja tweeted screenshots of audio files and vaguely warned “no more pop.”

Of course, that wasn’t the end.

The following night, Doja went on a tweet spree. You need to go on the chronological journey to get the full experience:

Within all of that, Doja claimed her forthcoming album is “called Moist Holes” before immediately retracting with “Jk.” Then, “I quit music” followed immediately by — you guessed it — “jk” followed by “no I’m serious I quit music” and “jk I’m not. relax.” Ultimately, Doja assured her followers that she’s going to “finish this album y’all don’t worry.”

If it’s true that Doja Cat is still flip-flopping on her album’s title, she should definitely consider Never Boring.

SPOILERS from this week’s Succession will be found below.

Succession‘s handling of the Logan Roy situation happened in a way that few could have expected. The current HBO juggernaut decided to go full “Red Wedding” and actually kill Logan in the “Connor’s Wedding” episode. This took the characters and the audience by surprise, especially since Tom sounded suspiciously like he was awkwardly executing a plan during his initial plane-bound phone call to the Roy siblings. And all of this went down after Logan pulled one of his most “Logan” moves (having Roman fire Gerri after the whole d*ck-pic situation) of the entire show so far.

One might wonder about a few of the decisions made for this episode, like why the Greglets got buried (though they subsequently rose on Easter) or why the show had to say goodbye to its patriarch so early on in the final season. We still have another seven episodes to go, after all, but this shouldn’t be too shocking. Given that the show should deliver upon its promise and tell us who succeeds Logan Roy to lead Waystar Royco, the answer should be expected to be a complex one. It can’t possibly be a cut-and-dried affair, and I sure hope that one of the many threads includes Roman trying to figure out if he should let the world know that Dad promised the conglomerate to him, with no one believing him while also hating him. That should be fun.

Will Gerri’s firing stick, as well? She’s already helping to clean up the pieces, and we can hypothesize all day about what will happen — and hope that, by some miracle, Brian Cox finished filming and then popped over to Fear The Walking Dead to play Walker Logan — or we can consider what Cox recently said on HBO’s Succession-focused podcast, via Hollywood Reporter:

“I knew something would have to be done in order to complete the show. And I knew he would probably have to die,” said Cox, referencing Logan’s health being a focus since the very first episode, while also praising Armstrong and his decision to end the show on his terms. “I didn’t quite expect it to happen as early as it did, but then we were locked into the fact that each episode is one day, which we haven’t done in the seasons before. So he dies on day three. I was fine about it, as long as I was getting paid (laughs).”

In other words, the one-episode-covering-a-day structure helps the decision make even more sense, and we can either be sad that Logan Roy is gone, or we can look forward to seven more episodes of a truly great TV show.

HBO’s ‘Succession’ airs on Sundays at 9:00pm EST.

(Via Hollywood Reporter)

Lil Uzi Vert is “finalizing” his long-awaited album The Pink Tape, according to Generation Now founder DJ Drama. During an interview with LA radio Justin Credible on the latter’s podcast, Drama noted that “[Uzi] and [Don] Cannon have been hard at work” on the highly anticipated project, revealing, “They’re just in the process of finalizing the final sequencing and tracklisting of the project.”

Uzi first began teasing the prospect of The Pink Tape shortly after releasing Eternal Atake and its followup, Lil Uzi Vert Vs. The World 2, in 2021. However, Uzi quickly announced that the album would be delayed to ensure that it didn’t “suck,” and instead released an EP, Red & White, to hold fans over until the album was completed. During Uzi’s set at Rolling Loud in Los Angeles last month, Uzi said that the wait for new music wouldn’t be as long as the wait for Eternal Atake, so at least we know The Pink Tape should be along sometime before 2026.

In the meantime, Uzi has been squeezing all the juice out of the Jersey club hit, “Just Wanna Rock,” performing it everywhere from the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards to Wrestlemania. Check out the full Justin Credible interview below.

Lil Uzi Vert is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

WARNING: Massive Succession spoiler below. For real, it’s a big one.

Succession basically unleashed its version of the Red Wedding, as family patriarch Logan Roy shockingly dropped dead on a flight to Sweden. The corporate titan was on his way to lock down the sale of his media empire to Lukas Mattson (Alexander Skarsgård) and seemingly do what he always does: Outsmart his children at every turn and win. However, the Season 4 episode took a gut punch of a turn when Logan suffered a heart attack mid-flight, forcing Tom to scramble to help Shiv, Roman, and Ken say their last words in a shockingly emotional hour of television.

Going into the episode, fans were warned that “Connor’s Wedding” contains a “mega twist” that would undoubtedly blast all over the internet when it aired, and sure enough, it did. To Succession‘s credit, the show did a great job keeping the bombshell under wraps, and apparently, Brian Cox going rogue was a big help.

In a new interview with Deadline, Cox revealed that he basically crashed the set to avoid internet sleuths figuring out that Logan died. According to the actor, while the production was filming Logan’s funeral they were going to shoot a “fake scene” with him to throw people off the scent of Logan’s fate. However, the team ran out of time and told Cox not to come. He showed up anyway.

I said, I’m coming in. They said, yeah, but we’re not doing the scene. I said, look, I’m coming in, because I know there’s going to be a whole lot of paparazzi there, and they’re going to be wondering what that funeral is. I am coming in. So, I said to my driver, I said, Joe, let’s go, we’re going. So, and as soon as I got out of the car, there were paparazzi shooting me left, right, and center, and therefore, they thought, Logan’s at the funeral, what is he doing?

You see, and if I hadn’t done that, if I hadn’t come, they would’ve gone, it’s Logan’s funeral. And I was the one who took that responsibility. They didn’t even think of it. They were so rushed, and so much, you know, this last season was very difficult to film.

Cox also shared that he has no idea what happens for the rest of the season. He only got the scripts for his episodes, and he’s “eager to see” how the show will be different without Logan.

“It’ll be interesting to see how Logan’s shadow looms, but I really don’t know, because I’m out of it,” Cox said.

(Via Deadline)

Taylor Swift isn’t a stranger to generating headlines, especially since last fall and especially since the start of her Eras Tour on March 17. Most recently, Swift dominated this weekend’s news cycle because she and Joe Alwyn, her boyfriend of roughly six years, have reportedly split.

And because fans were beside themselves processing even the possibility that Alwyn and Swift are no longer, rumors that Swift was possibly filming another music video in Liverpool flew relatively under the radar — emphasis on “relatively,” seeing as Swift can’t do anything without someone noticing something.

According to the Liverpool Echo, “Swift was understood to have flown out of Liverpool today [April 9] having spent several days in the city apparently filming a music video. The 33-year-old singer is believed to have jetted into Liverpool John Lennon Airport last week during a short break in her The Eras Tour.”

The newspaper provided anecdotal evidence:

“There have been several sightings reported by fans over the past few days, with some claiming they spotted Swift at the Cunard Building, on the Pier Head. Roads in the area were closed on Saturday, April 8 with filming equipment and vehicles spotted outside the historic Cunard Building.

One fan theory is that Swift was in the city to film a Batman-themed music video, inspired by The Batman, starring Robert Pattinson, which was filmed largely in Liverpool. Liverpool-based Taylor fans took to Twitter to share their feelings on the matter. User @nicotinemoon said: ‘Can’t believe Taylor swift was in Liverpool literally a half an hour walk from me last night.’”

The Sun separately reported that Joey King “was also on set.” King starred in Swift’s”Mean” video over a decade ago and has since starred in the likes of The Kissing Booth franchise, The Act, and Bullet Train.

“Taylor loves the history of the landmarks and was excited to film somewhere completely different and unexpected,” an unnamed source told The Sun. “She had a break in her touring schedule so decided to use the time to get another video in the bag. She’s feeling more creative and inspired than ever.”

Swift will stage three nights of The Eras Tour at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida, on Thursday, April 13, Friday, April 14, and Saturday, April 15.

It seemed the whole world had a take on Louisiana State University forward Angel Reese taunting the University of Iowa Hawkeyes’ star point guard Caitlin Clark at the end of the 2023 NCAA tournament’s championship game. In the closing minutes of the game, which LSU won 102-85, Reese gestured “You can’t see me” at Clark, who had done the same to an opponent earlier in the tournament.

While critics called Reese’s taunt “classless,” she also had her defenders, and discussion about the appropriateness of trash talk in women’s sports took over television for most of the week after. But one person’s name was missing from all the kerfuffle: The “you can’t see me” gesture’s originator, Tony Yayo.

Although the dance has been widely attributed to wrestler/movie star John Cena, Cena himself has admitted his use of the move was inspired by the G-Unit rapper, who waves his right hand in front of his face in the “So Seductive” video. Yayo finally broke his silence over the weekend during an interview with TMZ. “I’m cool with it, you know?” he said of the dance’s popularity. “It’s just a dance. I don’t take nothin’ personal. It was a dance I created because I was trying to hide from the police.”

He shouted out Cena, Clark, and Reese for keeping the dance in the public eye before noting, “Angel Reese? You know, she took the ‘U Can’t C Me’ dance to a whole ‘nother level.”

You can watch Tony Yayo’s full interview with TMZ above.

Keeping up with new music can be exhausting, even impossible. From the weekly album releases to standalone singles dropping on a daily basis, the amount of music is so vast it’s easy for something to slip through the cracks. Even following along with the Uproxx recommendations on a daily basis can be a lot to ask, so every Monday we’re offering up this rundown of the best new music this week.

This week saw Drake yet again cause a stir and Lil Yachty follow his recent psych-rock opus. Yeah, it was a great week for new music. Check out the highlights below.

For more music recommendations, check out our Listen To This section, as well as our Indie Mixtape and Pop Flash newsletters.

Drake — “Search & Rescue”

Drake sure likes to get people riled up. He did so again on his new single “Search & Rescue,” which is the rapper’s first solo single in a while after a string of collaborative projects. More notable, though, is the sample of Kim Kardashian discussing her divorce with Kanye West, saying in a sample lifted from Keeping Up With The Kardashians, “I didn’t come this far just to come this far and not be happy.”

Lil Yachty — “Strike (Holster)”

Yachty took a psychedelic rock turn on his latest album, Let’s Start Here from earlier this year. On his new single “Strike (Holster),” he remains in that aesthetic realm with a spacey instrumental, but the focus is back on rapping for the hazy track.

YoungBoy Never Broke Again — “WTF” Feat. Nicki Minaj

Fresh off of “Red Ruby Da Sleeze,” Nicki Minaj has returned by joining YoungBoy Never Broke Again on “WTF.” The song’s title is exactly what Barbz online were exclaiming after they saw the song’s video, which sees Minaj, always eager to try on a new character, cosplaying as a ballerina.

Kaytraminé — “4Eva” Feat. Pharrell Williams

What would an Kaytranada and Aminé album sound like? We won’t have to wonder for long, as the two have announced they’re teaming up for a new project as Kaytraminé. They teased it last week with “4Eva,” a bouncy Pharrell collaboration that rides on a light but strong groove.

Labrinth — “Never Felt So Alone”

Euphoria composer Labrinth is back with “Never Felt So Alone,” which Uproxx’s Lexi Lane notes “opens with a dark, electronic beat that captures the moodiness and just how perfectly their vocals blend.” Billie Eilish doesn’t have a feature credit on the song, but she co-wrote it and contributed vocals (Finneas also co-produced and co-wrote). Labrinth later explained how the collaboration came to be.

Daniel Caesar — “Unstoppable”

Caesar just returned with Never Enough, his third album and first since 2019’s Case Study 01. On “Unstoppable,” the Toronto native sounds, well, unstoppable. It’s a hazy tune, propelled forward by a relaxed nighttime rhythm and Caesar’s smooth vocals.

Agust D — “People Pt. 2”

Big week for Suga! First the BTS member was named an official ambassador of the NBA, then he dropped a new solo single, “People Pt. 2” (under his other performing name, Agust D). It’s a smooth and vulnerable track on which Suga raps (translated from Korean), “This thing called love / Maybe it’s just a momentary list of emotions / What is it about loss that makes us so sad?”

Kali Uchis — “In The Lobby”

We got some new old stock here: Uchis is celebrating the fifth anniversary of her album Isolation and marked the occasion last week by dropping “In The Lobby.” It’s a previously unreleased track from the era that boasts a happy, peaceful sound, influenced by reggae and some light psychedelia.

Yaeji — “Passed Me By”

At the top of 2023, Yaeji declared her long-awaited debut album, With A Hammer, would arrive this year. Alas, it finally did last week, and it’s led by highlights like “Passed Me By.” It’s yet another showcase of her mastery over creating fresh soundscapes, balancing aesthetic experimentation with strong songwriting and catchy melodies.

Wednesday — “Quarry”

In his review of Rat Saw God, Uproxx’s Steven Hyden colorfully said, “I should note that in musical terms, this band sounds like it was produced in a lab by scientists who were determined to cater to a person with my tastes. Do you also love Southern Rock Opera, Car Wheels On A Gravel Road, and Siamese Dream so much that you wish you could listen to all three albums at the same time? Are you thrilled by the prospect of pedal steel guitar put through a distortion pedal? Are you intrigued by the premise of a band that’s so good it doesn’t need MJ Lenderman to contribute any songs? Shouldn’t more country tunes be eight and a half minutes long and conclude with a woman screaming about Mortal Kombat? This record answers every question in the affirmative, as would I.”

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

The Succession Report Card is a weekly recap feature where we attempt to assign grades to the important people, things, and themes from each episode of Succession. The grades are entirely subjective and the criteria for scoring will change from week to week and occasionally mid-week. Someone might get detention. It’ll probably be Roman.

SEASON 4, EPISODE 3 – “Connor’s Wedding”

Logan

The tricky thing about naming your show Succession is that the simple act of doing it takes a big old elephant and plops it into a room and forces people to address it at some point. The question has been lingering there from Day One: What happens when Logan Roy — titan of industry, domineering leader, the sun around whom the world of this show orbits — is no longer in charge? We’ve watched the kids jockey for position and favor for over 30 episodes now, fighting with and against each other to carve out a slice of this universe for themselves, whether it’s a place in the family business or their own stupid little pirate ship, or both or neither. There was a lot of flailing there. But the first two episodes of this season made something abundantly clear: Logan Roy was never going to fade away and allow his children, or anyone else, to take over. He just was never wired like that. He needs the action and the control and everything that goes with it. He was about to sell his company for many billions of dollars and, instead of looking at brochures for peaceful little islands he could buy and retire to for a life of hammocks and umbrella drinks, he was gearing up to take ATN in a new and aggressive direction. The man would not and could not stop.

And so… yeah. There it is. The show named Succession had a character who would never willingly hand things over, which really left only one other option. It was kind of obvious, in hindsight, even if we at home were a little susceptible to falling into the trap the Roy children have been stuck in for many years, where Logan Roy seemed almost invincible, like he could will off death just by force of personality. But… nope. Not how it works. The book ends for everybody at some point, whether the final chapter is finished or not. Sometimes it happens on an airplane en route to Sweden. Life is funny like that.

Anyway, Logan gets an F for this particular episode for two primary reasons:

• He was skipping one son’s wedding entirely and strong-arming another son into doing his dirty work with a loyal longtime employee who he knew that son had a weird and complicated relationship with, which is both just massively shitty and also classic Logan Roy
• I wanted to talk about him first and the way I’ve structured these posts kind of tied my hands a little

Things are going to get a little weird going forward. I’m excited.

GRADE: F

MUST IMPROVE: Staying alive

Kerry

Things are about to get very real and not-fun for Kerry, a woman whose entire influence in the company stemmed from her proximity to Logan. She wasn’t a wife, so she won’t get the respect that comes with that. Their… whatever it was (fling?) wasn’t even really official. She was calling herself “Logan’s friend, assistant, and advisor” just a little bit ago. And whatever any of that was is just over now. As are her dreams of being an anchor on ATN. She’s going to get laughed and/or shuffled out of many important rooms. She might fall below Greg on the totem pole. Think about how much that one will sting.

Things are not great for Kerry. I didn’t even mention the thing where, like, her boyfriend died. That happened, too.

GRADE: F

MUST IMPROVE: Long-term planning

Boats

It has always been madness to me that people go out on boat rides to nowhere for entertainment. Cruises, yes, of course, but also things like this, where you do a whole wedding and reception on the open water. Why? What’s the goal here? What are we doing?

Even if your idea is to be able to look out and see the water, you can get about 80 percent of that with a beachfront resort or a river deck or a beautiful estate on a lake. And in exchange for giving up that 20 percent, you’re not trapping hundreds of people on a floating prison they can’t escape from until it docks again. What if someone gets a violent stomach bug? What if someone’s babysitter has to leave and they need to get home to the kids? What if the boat hits a rock and sinks? You’ve seen Titanic. You know the risks here.

Come on. Think this through.

GRADE: F

MUST IMPROVE: Proximity to dry land

Tom

Tom is in an interesting spot here. Characters on this show tend to fall into two categories: family, people who get a seat at the table due to blood or marriage; and business, people who scratch and claw their way to the table through grit and determination and maneuvering. Tom is kind of neither now. The pending divorce probably leaves him out of the loop with Shiv taking a larger role, and he doesn’t really fit with the Karls and Franks because he never earned it the same way they did. It was really telling when he said the thing about losing his protector. He has a lot of stuff flashing in front of his eyes right now. None of it is too good.

Tom got pretty close to the sun as this show played out. But a funny thing happens when you get too close to the sun.

GRADE: D

MUST IMPROVE: I think I’ve made this point before but it says so much about Tom’s place in this world that his own wife has him saved in her phone as “Tom Wambsgans,” as though there might be another Tom she knows who is more notable and does not need to be identified by last name

Greg

I am legitimately excited to see where things go for this lanky bottom-feeder. He hitched his wagon to Logan and Tom, but now that’s on a fast track to nowhere. He doesn’t have any skills, really. It’s not like he’s going to stand on his own, right? I can’t see that happening. Does he just try to quietly slide back into the room with the other kids and hope no one notices? Maybe latch onto Kendall or Shiv and start telling them how great and smart they are in the hopes they let him keep having access to this world? I mean, he’s not in the will, right? Where does Greg go from here?

We are about to see him flap around in the breeze like one of those tall balloons outside a car dealership. It’s thrilling to me.

GRADE: D

MUST IMPROVE: I honestly do not even know where to begin

Kendall

Kendall can’t help himself. He can only ever see the huge thing. Some of that is mania, how he’ll get going and start spitballing ideas and talk himself into trying to reinvent the whole news industry on the fly, which he is extremely not equipped to do. But sometimes he has a point. He’s right about all of this going in all of the memoirs, about how the things they did in that moment will always be the things they did in that moment, if only because Logan was that huge of a figure that people will want to know. They’re going to have to answer so many questions and do so many interviews and it’s going to suck a lot, and Kendall with all his grandiosity was the first one to notice that.

Imagine if he had been the one to make the statement to the press. God, that would have been a disaster. I kind of want to see it now.

GRADE: D

MUST IMPROVE: It’s understandable now but he’s going to need to cut back on staring into space at some point

Shiv

Shiv is a big ball of unearned confidence who thinks she’s smarter than she is on account of the other members of her family being goofs who make her look good through their failures, but a couple things are worth noting here:

• She was the one who went out to be the face of tough situations two times this episode, first when she was the “wedding grinch” and then again to give the family’s statement to the press, which says something about how the people in her life perceive her that they don’t see in, like, Kendall or Roman
• Sarah Snook is a terrific actress

That second thing breaks the fourth wall of this Report Card a little, the thing where I usually just discuss the characters as though they’re real people and temporarily ignore the thing where this is all a work of fiction filled with actors and actresses, but still, needed to be said.

GRADE: D

MUST IMPROVE: Having anyone in her life who can comfort her a little at a time like this

Roman

What’s weird about Roman is that he is very much a little boy — watch him rocking back and forth on the floor like he is a child who just had a nightmare, listen to him refuse to accept reality in the hopes that someone will tell him everything is okay — but he’s also the one who has grown the most over the course of the show. He has actual ideas and actual humanity, even if he undercuts himself with jokes about jizz or whatever. He could easily become the most capable of the children, given a little time and space.

Which is what makes that message he left for Logan so sad. The first time this kid showed any real backbone, the first time he stood up for himself in the face of authority, and now he’s going to spend the rest of his life wondering if the last thing his father heard him say — if the thing that killed his father, maybe, if he wants to get really dark with his thoughts — was him calling the guy the C-word.

That’s gonna come up in therapy.

GRADE: C

MUST IMPROVE: Timing

Gerri

Well…

• Kind of got fired (not ideal)
• On a boat (see above)
• By a failson who has in the past sent her pictures of his penis (humiliating)

BUT

• Logan dying might actually save her job (if she wants it)
• She looked incredible in her fancy hat (I gasped a little)

Kind of averages out, I guess.

GRADE: C

MUST IMPROVE: Well now I want to see her wear fancy hats all the time, which isn’t really a workable situation

Matsson

It would be really funny if the entire next episode is just about Matsson reacting to this, like it opens as he gets the call that Logan died and then we follow him through the rest of his day. I’m weirdly more interested in that than most of what else is out there right now. This probably says a lot more about me than it does about the show.

GRADE: C

MUST IMPROVE: Closing deals before people die

Various Karls, Franks, and Karolinas

Really interesting to watch the dynamic there, where they sprung into action on the business stuff right away even as Logan was lying dead less than 20 feet away. I’m sure some of this was self-preservation (their jobs just got really strange and different) but I suspect part of it was just, like, what else do you do when you’re stuck on a plane with the still-warm corpse of your very famous boss? Draft a statement, apparently!

I do not care very much about the personal fates of most of the people on this show but I do want Karl to be okay. I love him.

GRADE: B

MUST IMPROVE: Job stability going forward

Connor, weirdly

ON ONE HAND: His dad died the night of his wedding on a plane to Sweden, which ruins the festivities a lot and really drives home the thing where there was no universe where Logan was going to show up at this thing, even for a second

ON THE OTHER HAND: He’s… I don’t know. I want to say he’s free now. Logan was always this big weird shadow in his life and he never knew how to deal with it. There are scars there. You saw him yelling about the cake. This might finally be the Band-Aid removal he needs to become normal, or whatever version of normal he can aspire to. I root for this chump a little, even if I hate everything he is and stands for.

GRADE: B

MUST IMPROVE: Having one stupid thing for himself

Willa

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE

RUN

GET AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE

GO

I DON’T KNOW WHY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME

BUT IT IS

GRADE: A

MUST IMPROVE: Seizing opportunities

Weddings, usually

I make this point constantly but I’m going to make it again anyway: Weddings are a blast. Everyone drinks and dances and hoots and hollers for a night. Someone gets a little tipsy before they give a speech and it becomes a whole thing. Someone’s Nana does “The Electric Slide.” Bridemaids and groomsmen hook up after the reception in the coat room. Just a good time. Not this wedding, specifically, because of… everything I’ve mentioned so far here, but generally.

Take a minute this afternoon and think about all those poor people on the boat as word started sprinkling down about what happened. Think about where they go from there. Is the meal still served? Are they just gonna dock and have to hit a Wendy’s drive-thru in formal attire? I’m tempted to feel bad for them but they are coming out of this with a story they can tell for the rest of their lives. So… silver linings, I guess?

GRADE: A

MUST IMPROVE: I haven’t been to one in a while. Invite me to yours!

This episode of television

Hoo, buddy. A masterpiece. A straight-up clinic in acting and writing and pacing and directing. One of those hours of television where everything that happened before it clicks into place perfectly. All these characters are so specific and so shaded-in and everything they did felt almost exactly like what they would have done in this situation in a way that can make you forget they’re not real people. This one is going to stick with me for a while. Pretty good show we got here.

GRADE: A

MUST IMPROVE: I have no clue how you proceed from this hour of television but I’m looking forward to finding out