Month: April 2023

Each week our staff of film and TV experts surveys the entertainment landscape to select the ten best new/newish movies available for you to stream at home. We put a lot of thought into our selections, and our debates on what to include and what not to include can sometimes get a little heated and feelings may get hurt, but so be it, this is an important service for you, our readers. With that said, here are our selections for this week.

10. (tie) Tár (Peacock)

Tár is a performance piece for Cate Blanchett, which is great because Cate Blanchett always deserves a place to do stuff like that. Here, she plays composer Lydia Tár, a kind of mad genius who is a few days away from a huge symphony performance and dealing with everything around her falling apart. It’s a psychological roller coaster and can be a heavy lift but if you want to see Cate Blanchett give it the full Cate Blanchett, buddy, Tár is the movie for you.

Watch it on Peacock

10. (tie) Sharper (Apple TV)

Lots going on here, all of it intriguing. We’ve got Julianne Moore and Sebastian Stan and John Lithgow all starring in what Apple describes as a twisty neo-noir thriller where a con artist takes on a slew of Manhattan billionaires. That’s probably enough to get you excited, at least a little. You could do a lot worse, that’s for sure. The world needs more Julianne Moore.

Watch it on Apple TV Plus

9. Reggie (Amazon)

“It’s not cocky, it’s real,” says baseball legend Reggie Jackson in an archival clip during the trailer for his eponymous Amazon Prime documentary. The film promises to let Jackson tell his story, all the way from his youth in the segregated south to his time as a back page and on-field legend for the Yankees (where everyone quarreled with him even as he was establishing himself as the biggest star in sports and a pop culture juggernaut) onto his post-playing career and his role as an ambassador for the game. A lot of these authorized sports docs can feel one-sided or self-serving, but regardless of if Reggie follows that same path, we know one thing: at least it’ll be interesting.

Watch it on Amazon Prime

8. Boston Strangler (Hulu)

Boston Strangler tells the true story of the, uh, Boston Strangler, which you probably guessed from the title. It’s all right there. Keira Knightley and Carrie Coon play a pair of journalists and amateur sleuths who put the pieces together and uncover one of the country’s most notorious cases of serial killing. Looking for a period piece about a couple people hunting a murder in 1960s Massachusetts? Well, here you go. That was easy.

Watch it on Hulu

7. Money Shot: The Pornhub Story (Netflix)

Director Suzanne Hillinger talks with Adult entertainers and anti-porn crusaders in this documentary about the rise and near fall of PornHub. From a near economic apocalypse for those performers to questions about who is to blame for the rise of illegal and horrific content on the site, Hillinger works to lay out the details of this story with great care.

Watch it on Netflix

6. M3GAN (Peacock)

Make it the love child of Chucky and the Terminator, drop it on audiences inundated by stories of automation and AI, and then make it fabulous. M3GAN lived up to the hype, dancing into the hearts of horror fans as the emotional support doll from hell. Now, as she sets her sights on streaming, we’ve been given a new promise: more carnage with an unrated version that’s set to pull off more ears and carve up more yuppy scum. It’s all we could have ever wanted short of a sequel that once again pits M3GAN against avenging aunt (and reigning Queen of elevated horror) Allison Williams.

Watch it on Peacock

5. Tetris (Apple TV Plus)

The trailer will give you international intrigue vibes, which might seem strange, considering the bare-bones concept of the video game, but as it turns out, this movie might not be serious enough for the dark themes that inhabit its walls. Taron Egerton plays the man who wishes to bring this game to living rooms everywhere, and weirdly enough, double-crossing begins to happen. The description promises “a Cold War–era thriller on steroids,” which is at least something that you don’t hear every day in 2023.

Watch it on Apple TV Plus

4. Murder Mystery 2 (Netflix)

We’re never going back to the valley of existence between the fall of twisty mystery shows and movies (like Clue and Columbo) and the rise of a new class that’s inspired by those that came before (Knives Out, etc). We refuse. LFG Monk Movie! Keep pumping out Psychs and Poker Face seasons, Peacock! Let’s get Benoit Blanc and some muppets on a train, dammit! And yes, by all means, keep it going with these Murder Mystery romps that put Adam Sandler, Jennifer Anniston, and a fun supporting cast in breathtaking locales while navigating danger and trying to get to the bottom of a murder or, in this case, a kidnapping.

Watch it on Netflix

3. Quasi (Hulu)

This one is pretty straightforward: The Broken Lizard comedy troupe, the wonderful little sickos that brought you movies like Super Troopers and Beerfest, are back once again, this time with a goofball take on the Middle Ages and the tale of Quasimodo. If that sounds like something you think you’ll enjoy, well… uh, it’s here now. Really just terrific news for you. And the Broken Lizard guys, who are still out there doing it. Good news for everybody. Congratulations to us all.

Watch it on Hulu

2. Cocaine Bear (Peacock)

Cocaine Bear isn’t quite as non-stop as you might think from all the hype. It also occasionally feels the strain of trying to carry the story of a few too many characters, but there’s no denying that when it hits full speed, it’s unstoppable. The spectacle of some of the most intense, action-packed scenes and the outrageousness of the idea: “Hey, what happens when a bear becomes instantly addicted to and powered by cocaine?” are sure to win you over and paper over any possible flaws. You’ll laugh (at some really inappropriate and gruesome moments), you’ll cry (baby bear cubs!), you’ll be so glad you weren’t in the woods standing between the bear and her supply.

Watch it on Peacock

1. Ghosted (Apple TV)

Chris Evans plays a hot farmer who has an amazing date with a woman he near-instantly deems to be “the one” (aka Ana de Armas) before she ghosts him, sparking a “romantic gesture” that involves flying to London to surprise her. For that cringey overreach, Farmer Chris is surprised to find out that “the one” is a CIA operative who has to then spend the rest of the film dodging explodey chaos while saving his ass (and that’s America’s ass, remember). A high-action rom-com that aims to evoke the best of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Ghosted gives Evans a chance to play in something a little lighter while expanding de Armas’ killer No Time To Die action hero presence across an entire film.

Watch it on Apple TV Plus

Each week our staff of film and TV experts surveys the entertainment landscape to select the ten best new/newish shows available for you to stream at home. We put a lot of thought into our selections, and our debates on what to include and what not to include can sometimes get a little heated and feelings may get hurt, but so be it, this is an important service for you, our readers. With that said, here are our selections for this week.

10. Rennervations (Disney Plus)

Jeremy Renner has been through a lot lately, to put things mildly, due to his horrific snowplow accident that will leave him rehabbing for quite some time. He is, however, making a miraculous recovery and feels well enough to promote this four-part series that reimagines how vehicles can be custom-built to serve individual communities. It’s all about giving back, and these days, the world can’t have enough of that.

Watch it on Disney+

9. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Amazon Prime)

Yet another acclaimed show speeds toward its end. And while there are hundreds (have we hit thousands?) of options vying to fill the gap, there’s only one Midge Maisel, and in season 5 she’s inching closer to fulfilling her showbiz dreams, proclaiming that she wants “a big life” while breaking all the rules. Armed with guest stars (The Story Of Us‘ Milo Ventimiglia), an award-winning regular cast, and the show’s typical swirling patter, we’re sure we’ll enjoy the ride, but will Midge? As her father Abe cautions in the trailer, no one who’s ever accomplished anything has ever been happy, nodding to the sacrifices that come from a life of ambition and creativity. We’re eager to see Midge beat those odds, though.

Watch it on Amazon Prime

8. Beef (Netflix)

Beef is about a road rage incident between two strangers, played by Steven Yeun and Ali Wong (it’s a Tuca and Bertie reunion!), that sparks a feud that unearths their darkest impulses. You will also have an impulse while watching Lee Sung Jin’s Netflix series: an impulse to binge the entire season in one day. Beef is getting a lot of Best TV Show of 2023 So Far buzz. Just don’t watch it on your phone while driving, OK? You don’t want to get into a Beef scenario in real life.

Watch it on Netflix

7. Dave (Hulu)

Awkwardness icon Dave Burd returns for the third season of Dave, taking Lil Dicky on the road for a star-studded cross-country adventure through the real America, spreading rhymes, sewing oats, and getting into trouble. The whole concept of the new season seems like a big swing that’s guaranteed to connect, taking Dave out of his more familiar setting while creating countless opportunities to have him go wild, free from the burdens of cutting a new album.

Watch it on Hulu

6. Dead Ringers (Amazon Prime)

There’s a glut of good TV at the moment so even a modern remake of a bit of classic David Cronenberg-ian body horror needs some buzzwords to cut through the noise. Luckily, Dead Ringers has that. And we’ll list them out for you now: Rachel Weisz. Evil twins. Surrealist sci-fi. Fertility clinic. Power struggles. A shocking finale. And Rachel Weisz (again). Helmed by Alice Birch (Normal People) with a few episodes directed by horror maestro Karyn Kusama, this show takes Cronenberg’s central idea and gender-flips it, giving us twin obstetricians Beverly and Elliot Mantle whose day job sees them playing god at a cutting-edge fertility clinic. But, when their toxic relationship dynamics are threatened by both their professional success and personal entanglements, their bond reaches disturbing new depths.

Watch it on Amazon Prime

5. Ted Lasso (Apple TV Plus)

Break out your biscuits and put on your custom-bedazzled Diamond Dogs silk bomber jackets because the best mustache on TV is back, baby. This might be the last season of Ted Lasso which is a bittersweet pill to swallow but it’s best not to dwell on all of the loose ends still in need of tying. Ted wouldn’t. Instead, let’s just enjoy these characters as long as we have them. And hope something awful (but not irreversible) and humiliating (but appropriately so) and devastating (but ultimately life-changing in a positive way) happens to Nate “not so great” Shelley.

Watch it on Apple TV Plus

4. Mrs. Davis (Peacock)

GLOW standout Betty Gilpin is teaming up with TV king Damon Lindelof in this seriously terrific show about a nun who fights an almighty algorithm. What’s not to enjoy about that, especially since it delivers upon a truly nutso premise? Gilpin plays Simone, not to be confused with the title character of the AI, and Margo Martindale co-stars as a booze-loving nun. If there’s anything that Damon Lindelof has taught us in his post-Lost days, you never know precisely what to expect from his projects. Never forget Lube Man.

Watch it on Peacock

3. Barry (HBO)

Everyone’s favorite hitman-turned-actor-but-still-sometimes-hitman is back for a final season. Things get… bleak. Still funny, borderline silly in parts, but also just very, very bleak. As it probably should be given… you know… the murders that Barry has committed. A lot of them. Thank God we have NoHo Hank and Henry Winkler in there to break it all up for us. This is one of our best shows, people. Let’s enjoy it while we can.

Watch it on HBO Max

2. Yellowjackets (Showtime)

It’s time to go back to the wilderness, where this season doubles down on the darkness and refuses to apologize for it. The show still puts forth one of the most solid examples of dual timelines in TV history. Not only that, but all four sets of leads are firing on all cylinders this year. Sure, Juliette Lewis can pull off this type of role in her sleep, but we love to see her do it. Christina Ricci chews everything up, and Melanie Lynskey is finally getting her due. Oh, and don’t forget about those earworms. Get ready for the return of the Antler Queen, gang. Spooky.

Watch it on Paramount Plus

1. Succession (HBO)

Good news and bad news, ladies and gentlemen. The good: The cretins and weasels of Succession are back for a fourth season full of drama and dark comedy and more than a little delightful flailing by Cousin Greg. The bad: This is also the final season. So… you’re going to have to come to terms with that as things play out. It’s a lot to deal with, especially with the frenetic pace things have been and are shaking down. This is one of our best shows. It’s going to sting to say goodbye. But let’s all agree to enjoy the ride while we can.

Watch it on HBO Max

Rachel McAdams gave us two iconic roles back in the early 2000s with “Mean Girls” and the “Notebook.” And though she went on to star in other movies, her career certainly didn’t follow the normal trajectory of other Hollywood “It” girls—featuring in blockbuster after blockbuster until the well runs dry. In fact, there’s a cumulative two years where the actress didn’t appear in anything.

According to McAdams, this break was a form of self-care.

In a recent interview with Bustle, McAdams revealed that somewhat overnight success quickly forced her to evaluate her personal boundaries, recalling a Vanity Fair photoshoot in which she ultimately walked out after learning that she was expected to pose nude.

From that moment, the A-lister decided to move away from the spotlight, literally. She went back home to Canada to focus on raising her family, turning down major roles in films like “The Devil Wears Prada,” “Casino Royale,” “Mission: Impossible III,” “Iron Man” and “Get Smart.”

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Of course, knowing her decision was the right one didn’t make things any easier. She told Bustle, “I felt guilty for not capitalizing on the opportunity that I was being given, because I knew I was in such a lucky spot.”

“There were definitely some anxious moments of wondering if I was just throwing it all away, and why was I doing that?” she added.

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At the same time, she also knew that her current path wasn’t quite what she “needed to stay sane.” So, she chose sanity.

It’s been years since that leap of faith, and now McAdams is making her career comeback by starring in the highly anticipated book adaptation of Judy Blume’s “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret?” And this time, after cultivating a rich personal life, she’s more self-assured than ever, sharing that the break helped her feel “empowered.”

“It helped me feel like I was taking back some control. And I think it sort of allowed me to come in from a different doorway,” she said.

We might not all be Hollywood A-listers like Rachel McAdams, but her story feels universal nonetheless. Most of us, at one point or another, have experienced the pressure of choosing between material success and mental health. In reality, the two are inexorably linked, with our well-being providing the focus, confidence and stamina needed to truly accomplish something and sustain any momentum that follows. We know this on a gut level, and now more and more success stories are coming in that reflect this wisdom. Hustle culture certainly isn’t dead by any means, but its siren call is becoming steadily fainter. And if its silence means more empowerment, that feels like the biggest success of all.

By the way, if you haven’t checked out McAdams in the new trailer for “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret?” then do yourself a favor and watch below. Without a doubt, it marks the beginning of a career renaissance.

Post Malone is having a good year, whether he’s drinking beer out of a shoe in Australia or releasing new music. It’s getting even better after the recent announcement that he’s earned a major achievement.

Today, April 20, Universal Music Group shared a statement that “Circles,” “Better Now,” and “I Fall Apart” all exceeded the diamond threshold, according to Billboard. This makes Posty the artist with the most RIAA Diamond-certified singles at eight total. Therefore, he’ll be unleashing a greatest hits album called The Diamond Collection, to celebrate his victory. Lucky for fans, it’ll drop as soon as tomorrow, April 21, so they don’t have to wait long.

Meanwhile, the “Better Now” performer recently opened a special Cane’s store designed by himself in Midvale, Utah. “I have the best childhood memories of eating at Raising Cane’s in Dallas,” he said about it in a statement. “Collaborating with Todd on this restaurant near my house in Utah was awesome and I can’t wait for everyone to order their meal the ‘Posty Way.’”

Find the tracklist for The Diamond Collection below.

1. “White Iverson”
2. “Congratulations” Feat. Quavo
3. “I Fall Apart”
4. “Rockstar” Feat. 21 Savage
5. “Psycho” Feat. Ty Dolla $ign
6. “Better Now”
7. “Sunflower” Feat. Swae Lee
8. “Circles”
9. “Chemical”

The Diamond Collection is out 4/21.

As happens every April as the NFL Draft approaches, the same conversations and arguments about the value of the running back position in the modern game get re-litigated.

There are plenty who are staunchly in the “never draft a running back in the first round” camp, while others are willing to allow for exceptions to the rule based on a truly unique talent. The 2023 Draft has just that kind of back in Texas’ Bijan Robinson, but is also a deep class that could very well stoke the fires of the value argument further, as there are some mid-to-late round players that could be highly productive at the next level.

Here we are going to look at some of our favorite backs who could help a team immediately in the backfield, because while running back may not be the premium position it once was, it’s a position overflowing with talent coming into the league every year — which is part of what complicates things for guys seeking out big paydays.

The Top Dog: Bijan Robinson, Texas

If this were the mid-2000s, Robinson would be in the mix for going No. 1 overall in this Draft. That’s how good he is as a prospect. Robinson is a special mix of speed and power and is a true three-down back because of his abilities to run between the tackles and be a receiver out of the backfield. Last year at Texas he rushed for 1,580 yards and 18 touchdowns on 258 carries (6.1 yards per carry) and added 314 receiving yards and two touchdowns on 19 receptions (16.5 yards per catch). It’s hard to find things you don’t like about Robinson as a complete back. His vision is elite, his footwork impeccable, he has excellent speed (4.46 in the 40), terrific patience, good hands, and he’s got the size to hold up in blitz protection at 5’11, 215 pounds. He is, truly, a complete back.

On most big boards he’s somewhere in the top-5, with many having him as the second-best prospect overall behind Will Anderson. He will not go that high because of the aforementioned value issue facing running backs, but I expect someone in the late first round who has fewer glaring needs and could use an upgrade at running back to scoop him up and be very happy they did so.

The Next Best: Jahmyr Gibbs, Alabama

Any of the teams that spend time watching film on any of the top Alabama offensive guys, whether that’s Bryce Young or their various OL prospects, are likely going to come away thinking about Gibbs. He was the constant safety valve for Young, particularly when the oddly porous Tide OL broke down, catching 44 passes for 444 yards and three touchdowns, and also showed off his game-breaking speed when he was able to bounce a run to the outside, toting the rock for 926 yards and seven touchdowns on 151 carries. Gibbs will enter the league with fewer miles on his tires than a lot of the top backs, thanks in part to playing in two places — Alabama and Georgia Tech — that used running backs by committee rather than asking him to be a bell cow.

At 5’9, 199 pounds, he’s not the biggest back and durability will be a question teams have for him, but his athleticism is special — he ran a 4.36 at the Combine. His pass-catching ability and versatility is as good as it gets in this class and someone will likely see him as a Day 2 value to add a change of pace to their backfield rotation.

Boom Or Bust: Devon Achane, Texas A&M

Achane is a similar back to Gibbs, albeit just a bit smaller (5’8.5, 188 pounds) and just a bit faster (4.32 in the 40). He was the bright point for a disappointing Texas A&M offense last season, rushing for 1,102 yards and eight touchdowns on 196 carries (5.4 ypc). His explosive play ability was muted by the Aggies’ struggles in the passing game, which led defenses to focus in on Achane more and more as the season went on, particularly as a pass catcher out of the backfield.

As a freshman and sophomore, Achane was the Aggies’ home run hitter, but this year, he averaged just 5.4 yards per catch. That’s not ideal for someone with his size and speed, but I feel like that was more an issue of Texas A&M’s offense around him than an Achane issue. Still, there are enough questions to cause him to dip a bit in this draft, but once Gibbs goes off the board, he will be a worthwhile swing for someone looking for that kind of big play ability from a change of pace back.

Day 3 Swing: Deuce Vaughn, Kansas State and Tyjae Spears, Tulane

Vaughn and Spears are two highly productive college backs that will fall to Day 3 (or go undrafted) but make two teams very happy whenever they get brought into camp. We’ll start with Vaughn, who is the latest in a long line of highly productive, undersized players to come out of Kansas State. At 5’5, 179 pounds, he is as small a back as you’ll see. That said, he’s compact and strong for his height, and his production at K-State, where he was the guy is pretty insane.

Over the last two seasons with the Wildcats, Vaughn combined for 3,808 yards from scrimmage and 34 touchdowns. That’s not gimmicky production in a Power 5 conference, and his last two games — 46 carries, 263 yards, and tw0 TDs against TCU and Alabama — further prove that point. I expect him to land on a roster and stick once a team on Day 3 moves past his measureables and decides to bring in a “capital F” Football Player.

Then there’s Spears, who is 5’10, 201 pounds but runs bigger than that. He broke out this year to lead Tulane to the Cotton Bowl where they beat USC, as Spears absolutely showed out in the bowl game with 205 yards rushing on 17 carries. On the season, Spears rushed for 1,581 yards and 19 touchdowns, adding 256 yards receiving to that total as well. He is not afraid to of contact and has explosiveness once he hits the second level, with good stop-start burst to turn a change of direction into a big play. He doesn’t have the same top-end speed of an Achane or Gibbs, but he explodes in and out of breaks — as displayed by a 39-inch vertical and 10’5 broad jump at the Combine — and showed his durability and high productivity for Tulane, even against big-time opponents.

Elon Musk has been busy these days, doing what he’s been doing at Twitter and talking about sex with Tucker Carlson. Priorities, man! As all of those things have been happening, Musk has remained CEO of SpaceX, which conducted a Thursday morning unmanned (thank god) rocket launch that swiftly exploded upon liftoff. This is not exactly a vote of confidence for Musk’s oft-articulated ambitions to take mankind to Mars.

The first 25 seconds went well, at least, as tweeted by SpaceX.

However, this soon happened.

Via the Washington Post, the broadcast included SpaceX’s John Insprucker declaring, “Obviously this does not appear to be a normal situation.” Still and as WaPo notes, the fact that this was a “test” means that SpaceX could count “the flight as a success because it would provide the company new information about how the vehicle performs in real life that will help them on future flights.” In other words, it was a failure but not a technical failure, even though the failure was of a technical nature. Clear as mud?

On Twitter, SpaceX very interestingly described the situation as “a rapid unscheduled disassembly.” Awkwardly, the account maintained the utmost positivity, “Congratulations to the entire SpaceX team on an exciting first integrated flight test of Starship!”

Very quickly, “rapid unscheduled disassembly” began to trend on Twitter with people calling it what it was.

Lincoln Project founder George Conway decided to live dangerously by inquiring the same about Twitter, but he wasn’t alone.

Jokes about euphemisms and metaphors rolled forth.

For obvious reasons, Succession‘s Roman Roy is on people’s minds, too.

And a fake Vladmir Putin account has a new catchphrase, it seems. Success.

In 2021, Mike Lindell offered $5 million to anyone who could disprove his claims that the 2020 election was rigged. He named the contest “Prove Mike Wrong.” Oops! Someone did, and now the Pillow Man owes them.

A private arbitration panel ruled on Wednesday that 63-year-old Robert Zeidman, a computer forensics expert from Nevada, is entitled to the multi-million payout. “Zeidman had examined Lindell’s data and concluded that it not only did not prove voter fraud, it had no connection to the 2020 election. He was the only expert who submitted a claim, arbitration records show,” according to the Washington Post. Lindell, who loves to lose money, initially refused to pay Zeidman. That’s when the arbitrators stepped in.

“Mr. Zeidman performed under the contract,” the arbitration panel wrote in its decision. “He proved the data Lindell LLC provided, and represented reflected information from the November 2020 election, unequivocally did not reflect November 2020 election data. Failure to pay Mr. Zeidman the $5 million prized was a breach of the contract, entitling him to recover.”

Zeidman is “really happy” with the decision. “They clearly saw this as I did — that the data we were given at the symposium was not at all what Mr. Lindell said it was. The truth is finally out there,” he said. As for the very normal Pillow Man, he told the Post, “They made a terribly wrong decision! This will be going to court!” If this ends with the Supreme Court telling Lindell that he was indeed proven wrong, it will be a good use of everyone’s time.

(Via the Washington Post)

In February, Gorillaz graced us with Cracker Island, their eighth studio album and first LP since 2020. The same month, Beck dropped his single “Thinking About You” and performed it on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Beck and Gorillaz crossed paths on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Wednesday night, April 19, to stage “Possession Island,” the Cracker Island track featuring Beck.

The performance began subdued. Damon Albarn sat at the piano and softly sang the opening verse before Beck sauntered out about 75 seconds in and stood beside the piano to duet with Albarn, “Where the pearly gates remain open / And welcome me home / ‘Cause the time I came to California, I died / At the hands of the ghosting queens.”

Sweetly, Albarn and Beck finished seated alongside each other at the piano to deliver the final lines: “Where things, they don’t exist / And we’re all in this together ’til the end / ‘Til the end.”

Gorillaz was fresh from the first weekend of Coachella — performing on Friday, April 14, and bringing out guests such as De La Soul, Del The Funky Homosapien, Thundercat, and more.

“Artists who couldn’t make it to the stage were replaced massive holograms like Tame Impala singing his part on ‘New Gold’ and Snoop Dogg firing off his verse in ‘Hollywood,’” Uproxx noted.

Watch Beck and Gorillaz’s “Possession Island” on Kimmel above.

Gorillaz is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

This week saw a real meeting of the minds as Elon Musk sat down for an interview with Tucker Carlson where the two proceeded to tackle the greatest societal problem of our time: how much they like to have sex.

During the course of the supremely weird and creepy interview, the two exchanged several awkward laughs and confused looks, which The Daily Show conveniently edited together for a hilarious supercut below:

As for the actual content of Tucker and Elon’s interview, well, again, they were both concerned with how sex (which they love) isn’t making enough babies anymore thanks to birth control and abortion (which they hate).

“I’m sort of worried that hey, civilization, if we don’t make enough people to at least sustain our numbers, perhaps increase a little bit, then civilization’s going to crumble,” Musk mused. “The old question of like, will civilization end with a bang or a whimper? Well, it’s currently trying to end with a whimper in adult diapers, which is depressing as hell.”

The Twitter CEO then went right one of his cringey puns: “I’d rather go out with a bang.” Needless to say, there was no shortage of weird, creepy laughter after that one.

(Via The Daily Show on Twitter)

What do you value more in a quarterback: what they are, or what they can be? The 2023 NFL Draft is an interesting case study in that, as the consensus is that there are four potential franchise guys who can line up under center. Ohio State’s C.J. Stroud and Alabama’s Bryce Young are studs right now. Florida’s Anthony Richardson and Kentucky’s Will Levis aren’t, but have the physical tools that make NFL teams drool.

So, who do you want as your guy? Should a starting point closer to the finish line be what you’re banking on, or do you trust your ability to develop someone who won’t step in on day one and take over as your team’s starter?

In the lead-up to the Draft, we decided to take a look at each position and highlight players in the following categories: The Top Dog, The Next Best, Boom Or Bust, and Day 3 Swing. Parsing those first two things at this position, in particular, are going to be difficult, but ultimately, one guy narrowly wins out.

The Top Dog: C.J. Stroud, Ohio State

The top-2 quarterbacks in this class are, for me, a coin flip. If the Carolina Panthers take Stroud No. 1, the Houston Texans should be ecstatic that they get to pick Bryce Young (if they want a quarterback!). If the Panthers take Young No. 1, the Texans should be ecstatic that they get to pick Stroud (same caveat!). If Carolina wants to swing for the fences with Anthony Richardson and both dudes drop to No. 2, the Texans are going to have to make a very difficult but very exciting decision (it might be Will Anderson!).

So, why Stroud? To me, his accuracy to all levels of the field, his ability to get the ball just about anywhere, his ability to beat teams before the ball is snapped, and the fact that he rarely makes mistakes (well, kind of) are just about everything you want in a quarterback right now. You mix that with being 6’3 and a better athlete than he gets credit for being and that he is, for me, both the safest QB prospect in this class and someone who still has a relatively high ceiling.

The concerns with Stroud, other than his lack of a supercharged arm, basically come down to the fact that: 1) He’s going from a team that can out-talent basically everyone to a bad NFL team and, 2) He is weirdly averse to using his legs. That second thing, and this is pure speculation, is something that makes me wonder if that’s coached into him. Here are two situations from his game against Nebraska in 2021 — one on a fourth-and-1 incompletion where he doesn’t even look to run despite being able to pick up an easy 10 yards, and one where he passes on picking up a few yards with his legs to try and force a ball into a window that does not exist and getting picked — that have stuck in my mind. He’s not Michael Vick or anything, but it is stunning how frequently he just doesn’t take what a defense is giving him with his legs so he can try to take even more with his arm.

My hunch is part of that has to do with the first thing. Why, exactly, would you not trust your receivers when you’re throwing to Chris Olave, or Garrett Wilson, or Jaxon Smith-Njigba, or Emeka Egbuka, or Marvin Harrison Jr.? (Aside: When we do this next year, if we don’t have Harrison as our No. 1 receiver, you have permission to come to my apartment and hit me with a lead pipe.) Ohio State is a program that just produces dudes, particularly at receiver, and there is something to be said of the fact that Stroud very rarely went up against opposition that could match up with his pass catchers.

You can see this in games where the Buckeyes are playing teams that have a chance against them, talent-wise. There are moments against teams like Georgia, or Michigan, or Penn State where the talent disparity isn’t as gigantic and Stroud gets sped up and is prone to panicking — his final interception against the Wolverines, where he overthrows a receiver who he’d hit 95 times out of 100, is a really good example.

But the thing with those games is the very good outweighs the bad by some distance. The Michigan game, for instance, features a number of throws that are quite impressive. Young didn’t play Georgia’s indomitable defense this year, but each of the other top-5 QBs did (Stroud, Richardson, Hendon Hooker, Will Levis), and Stroud was the best by a country mile, as he took them to the brink and very possibly would have won if Harrison didn’t get knocked out of the game in the third quarter. Penn State’s secondary had three starters who made All-Big Ten teams this year and he consistently carved them up down the field.

If Stroud’s able to adjust his internal clock once he goes from a team as good as Ohio State to a team as bad as the Panthers or Texans, and he embraces his legs a little more, he’s going to be very good right away. If he doesn’t, I’m confident he’ll be very good at some point not too far down the road.

The Next Best: Bryce Young, Alabama

So, why Stroud over Young? Ultimately it comes down to Young’s size, because it is a very real concern. At 5’10 and 204 pounds, he’s right around the same size as Kyler Murray (5’10, 207 pounds), only without the kind of breathtaking athleticism that helps Murray compensate for the fact that he’s not always able to carve up teams from the pocket.

At the same time, Mel Kiper is right: If Young was 6’1, he’s one of the best quarterback prospects in recent memory. He wouldn’t quite be on the level of a guy like Andrew Luck, but he legitimately would not be far off. Young’s ability to process the game is as good as it gets for a college football quarterback, and he backs it up with extreme accuracy all over the field and poise that is not matched — it’s very easy to say that the Alabama quarterback benefitted from his team out-talenting everyone, but the Crimson Tide have taken a bit of a step back (particularly along the offensive line) in recent years, and Young has not been deterred by that.

Unlike Stroud, Young doesn’t really have concerns about getting sped up and dealing with pressure. The intangible stuff with him are next-level, and are almost more impressive than his ability to play quarterback at a high level. He doesn’t have Richardson or Levis’ arms, but he can spin it, and his accuracy when he is throwing the ball deep is quite impressive. On short and intermediate stuff, it’s like he is walking the ball down the field and just handing it to his target. When he has to extend plays, his feel and ability to figure out how to do that in the moment is remarkable. His numbers falling off during his final year is partly due to an injury he suffered against Arkansas, but mostly due to the fact that the Crimson Tide’s skill position players fell off in a big way.

Despite coming in a loss, his best performance came on the road against Tennessee. All of the focus was on Hooker’s game (and he was truly unbelievable), but Young flat-out outplayed him and nearly willed Alabama to a win in a hostile environment. The number of times he made something out of nothing (here, here, here) or made something very difficult look simple (here) was NFL-level, as he did the ultra-rare thing in college football of making his teammates look better.

If not for the size — and, to an extent, the fact that he’s never going to punish teams as a runner — he’s the clear-cut No. 1 signal caller in this class. But this is more of a tiebreaker, for us, between two very close quarterbacks. If my team was going to war with Bryce Young as my quarterback, I’d feel extremely confident that he’d be able to make something happen.

Boom Or Bust: Anthony Richardson, Florida

If you’ve followed this Draft process at all, you are not surprised to see the words “boom or bust” linked to the Florida signal caller. From the moment he is selected, Richardson is going to be one of the 2-3 best athletes to ever be a quarterback on an NFL roster. His athletic traits — 6’4, 244 pounds with record-setting testing numbers — and nuclear powered right arm are the sorts of traits that are legitimately once-in-a-decade types of things. When he is put in situations where he is doing stuff that comes naturally to him, you see why he’s going to go high. This doesn’t just mean ripping it down the field or running in the open field, as he’s comfortable in situations where, say, he’s rolling to his right by design and letting it rip.

His issues come when he starts playing it fast and loose with his fundamentals. Let’s go through an extremely Anthony Richardson sequence from one of his best games this year, Florida’s season-opening win over Utah. Start at the 4-minute mark of the below video, and let’s watch through the 5-minute mark.

You get a play action and bootleg where he doesn’t have to do anything more than roll out and throw, and while the ball needs to be put in a better spot, it just looks natural with him. The very next play, he drops back, the OL does a great job, but his feet are all over the place and he misses a receiver on what should be a big gain. He uses his legs to pick up a few yards on the next play, and then, he makes one of his worst throws of the day. He’s moving to his left while getting chased, throws to someone in double coverage, airmails him, should have been picked off. Next two throws: An incompletion where he puts the ball too low (in fairness, he was under pressure), and then, a strike on the numbers that he throws in rhythm.

His tape is littered with stuff like this, moments where you see a guy who sticks to his guns, does the simple stuff, and looks like a future star. Interspersed throughout those moments you get a guy who is prone to being his own worst enemy. I think it’s quite possible he becomes a superstar and that a team that needs a quarterback should take a swing on him, but it’s very much dependent on him getting essentially the NFL’s version of a redshirt year.

Day 3 Swing: Dorian Thompson-Robinson, UCLA

If you are going to bet on traits and development late in the Draft, taking a guy like Thompson-Robinson makes a ton of sense. A former blue chip recruit, DTR got better every year during his time in Westwood, as he got the starting job as a true freshman, went through plenty ups-and-downs, and saved his best year for last. Thompson-Robinson put up career-best marks across the board as a redshirt senior in Chip Kelly’s offense, going 266-for-382 (69.6 percent) for 3,154 yards, 27 touchdowns, and 10 interceptions with an additional 646 yards and 12 scores on the ground.

While a guy like Stetson Bennett is closer to a finished product right now, Thompson-Robinson has a relatively high floor for a late-round selection and has room to get better. His athleticism, growth as a passer, experience in Chip Kelly’s offense, and toughness (the dude took some insane hits during his time in Westwood and usually got back up and kept battling) will appeal to teams. The concerns come in when he gets sped up — if he is able to set his feet and throw in rhythm he is quite good. When he gets sped up, he’s prone to either taking off or throwing before he wants to, and that’s where he is prone to getting into some trouble. His game against USC last year is a good example of him at his best (a playmaker with his arm and legs capable of making every throw who can take over a game) and worst (he threw three picks, and while the first one was partly an excellent play by the defense back, the second and especially third were just not throws you can make).