“Therapy speak” or “psychobabble” has infiltrated the daily lives of average citizens thanks to social media apps like TikTok and Instagram. Everyone seems to be an expert on something, and terms get thrown around with a very loose understanding of their actual meaning, which can cause confusion.
Chatter about knowing your “attachment style” has been making the rounds as of late. There seems to be a belief that if you know other people’s attachment styles then you can better understand their behaviors and pick a more compatible partner if you’re on the market. The problem is, attachment style isn’t everything. It doesn’t tell you everything. It’s not even a very good predictor of your potential as a mate.
Attachment styles are simply part of a whole. Imagine a car being a whole person and attachment style being the doors. Are the doors important? Sure. Do they make up the entire car? No. Can you drive a car safely without doors? Hello, Jeep Wranglers.
The thing about people obsessing over new words, phrases or concepts they’ve learned from an influencer who went to therapy with their own layman’s understanding is that some things get a gold star while others are deemed evil. There are four basic attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful. Of those four basic styles, there are multiple different subsections such as anxious-avoidant or disorganized-fearful.
This is why attempting to pin down or diagnose your own or your potential partner’s attachment style isn’t particularly advisable without the help of a professional. But that doesn’t stop social media from doing the social media thing and declaring one attachment style king and the others unfortunate tragedies to take pity on. Everyone wants to stake claim on having a secure attachment style as a sort of badge of honor for not having childhood trauma or being well-adjusted.
But Jeff Guenther, LPC, takes a moment to highlight the benefits of having an anxious attachment style and simultaneously creates a collective sigh of relief for those who may have felt shame in holding that title.
Guenther starts the video off by validating the viewer, explaining that having an anxious attachment style isn’t the person’s fault.
“It’s the fault of the environment that you grew up in. It’s because you have parents or caregivers that were inconsistent with their love and attention,” Guenther says. “It’s because you were taught that love was something you had to fight for, not something that was freely given.”
He goes on to explain that, if given the choice, people would opt for a secure attachment style and jokes that, “No one’s producing an HBO series about securely attached people.” They aren’t, because that would lack a significant amount of drama, trauma and character arc. But Guenther doesn’t stop at the explanation of an anxious attachment style; he lists benefits of being someone with an anxious attachment style, starting with being excellent at bedroom adult activities.
@therapyjeff It’s not your fault that you have an anxious attachment style. #therapytiktok #mentalhealth #relationshiptips #dating #anxiousattachment #anxiousattachmentstyle
“You possess a level of emotional intelligence that makes everyone jealous. Your dedication is off the charts. Your ability to read your partner and be there for them is unparalleled,” Guenther says.
The list goes on and a quick peek into the comment section let’s you know his video was much needed.
“This is so sweet to hear. Every anxious attachment video I see is calling us the problem that needs to be fixed and adjusted,” one person writes.
“Thank you for bringing positivity to this. I have felt like I’m supposed to cure who I am for way too long,” another commenter writes.
No matter your attachment style, it’s just a part of who you are, not the entirety of your being. Thanks to Guenther, those who have been concerned about possibly having anxious attachment can breathe a little freer knowing what that attachment style can bring to the table.