The Rundown: Just Put Ryan Gosling In The Movie (Any Movie)

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE – LISTEN TO ME

HEY

HEY

ARE YOU MAKING A MOVIE?

OR EVEN JUST THINKING ABOUT MAKING A MOVIE?

THAT’S COOL

YOU SHOULD PUT RYAN GOSLING IN IT

YOU SAW BARBIE

YOU SAW HOW GOOD HE WAS

WITH THE LITTLE FACES HE MAKES

REMEMBER WHEN HE SANG THE SONG?

THIS ONE

THAT WAS SO GOOD

IT FREAKING MADE THE BILLBOARD CHART

COME ON

IT’S KIND OF FRUSTRATING

YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BE THAT GOOD-LOOKING AND ALSO FUNNY AND CHARMING

LET THE NORMAL PEOPLE HAVE ONE THING, RYAN GOSLING

GEEZ

BUT STILL

HE’S JUST SO GOOD

REMEMBER THE NICE GUYS?

REMEMBER THE THING WHERE HE SAID “I HAD TO QUESTION THE MERMAIDS”?

THIS THING

UGGGHHH

IT’S SO GOOD

I SHOULD BE MAD

I SHOULD HATE HIM A LITTLE BIT

HE HAS TOO MANY THINGS

I CAN’T DO IT, THOUGH

HE’S TOO LIKABLE

HE’S SO GOOD

PUT RYAN GOSLING IN THE MOVIE

YOUR MOVIE

THE ONE WE TALKED ABOUT EARLIER

HE’LL PROBABLY DO GREAT

EVERYONE WILL LOVE IT

HE’LL DO A GOOD JOB

HEY

REMEMBER THAT TIME HE AND HARRISON FORD WERE DOING ONE OF THOSE SOUL-SUCKING PRESS JUNKETS AND GOT THE GIGGLES?

THIS ONE

UGGGHHHHHH

EVEN HARRISON FORD LOVES THAT GUY

AND HE’S USUALLY A LITTLE CRANKY

YOU NEED THIS ENERGY

FOR YOUR MOVIE

TRUST ME ON THIS

PUT RYAN GOSLING IN THE MOVIE

IT’LL BE GREAT

THANK YOU

YOU ARE WELCOME

ITEM NUMBER TWO – What a freaking legacy

Paul Reubens passed away this week after a private battle with cancer. That’s a bummer. He will forever be remembered for playing Pee-Wee Herman, which, as far as legacies go, isn’t too shabby. Go back and watch the movie sometime. Watch some episodes of the show. Or just go to YouTube and type in “pee-wee herman” like I did this week and get lost watching clips for an hour or two. The one up there is him being a goofball with Letterman. It’s a pretty good place to start.

The loving tributes came in fast after his death was announced, which, as far as legacies go, ain’t too shabby, either. It seemed like everyone who ever met him had a nice thing to say about him. It’s a pretty good sign of a life well-lived when there’s that kind of outpouring in your honor. It’s also a good sign of a life well-lived when The Muppets pay tribute to you. That happened, too.

Something jumped out at me when I saw that, though. Maybe it jumped out at you, too. The thing about him being named an honorary Muppet. It sent me down a crazy Google tailspin where I learned some truly fascinating information. Information, for example, like this…

In 1986, Muppet Magazine published the first and only Honorary Muppet Awards. The honorees were awarded a special “Kermie” and photographed for the magazine.

… which led me to the Muppet dot Fandom dot com site for Muppet Magazine, which itself led me to the recipients of the aforementioned “Kermit” award for honorary Muppets.

“1986 Honorary Muppet Awards”: The Muppets award Robin Williams, Dolly Parton, Pee-Wee Herman the Honorary Muppet Award

This is… it’s incredible, right? The only three humans to ever be officially named Honorary Muppets were Robin Williams, Dolly Parton, and Pee-Wee Herman. There have been 18 EGOT winners to date. The Kermie Award club is SIX TIMES more exclusive than that, and all of its winners are straight-up icons. It also means Dolly Parton is the last surviving member. We must do whatever is necessary to protect her. We should have been doing that anyway. But now we should, like, super protect her. There is a rich cultural tradition at stake.

Hey, remember earlier when I said “everyone who ever met him had a nice thing to say about him”? It’s okay if you forgot. I have thrown a lot at you since then. But I did say it. And I meant it. Which brings me to this

Here’s what I need you to do…

Picture it’s like 1987. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure came out two years ago and cemented Reubens as a recognizable figure in American pop culture. Knight Rider just ended its four-season run on television, doing the same for David Hasselhoff. You’re on vacation in Los Angeles and driving your rental car through Beverly Hills. You’re looking around and seeing the sights and you glance over at the outdoor seating section of a fancy restaurant and, right there on the sidewalk, in front of God and Merv Griffin and everyone, you see David Hasselhoff and Pee-Wee Herman sitting at a table eating lunch and laughing it up like old friends.

How far do you make it down the street before you crash into a parked car?

I’ll go as high as 500 feet.

What an incredible life. Rest in peace.

ITEM NUMBER THREE – This is a good precedent

BAD NEWS: Wrexham soccer player Paul Mullin has a punctured lung, which ranks pretty low on the list of injuries I would ever want to have.

GOOD NEWS: His recovery plan sounds cool.

Wrexham striker Paul Mullin will recover from injury at the home of Rob McElhenney before leaving the United States.

The context here is that McElhenney, in addition to creating and starring in both Always Sunny and Mythic Quest, also co-owns this soccer team with Ryan Reynolds, although it’s probably even funnier without the context. But anyway…

In an interview with S4C, McElhenney said: “This Paul thing is devastating to the club but, again, it’s a contact sport and these things happen.

“He’s OK. I just texted with him this morning. He’s in San Diego and he’s going to come over and stay with us for a couple of weeks until he can leave and head back to Wales.”

Two things worth noting here:

• This is an excellent precedent to set and we should all be allowed to chill at our bosses’ houses for a while when we are not feeling good, especially if our boss is a big-time celebrity and owns a mansion in the Hollywood hills
• Rob McElhenney seems like a pretty cool dude

I have this image in my head of him carrying a tray with a lovely breakfast spread on it up the stairs and knocking on the door like room service.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR – I must try Cherlato

Guys.

GUYS.

Cher has an ice cream truck.

CHER.

AN ICE CREAM TRUCK.

IT’S CALLED CHERLATO.

LIKE GELATO.

BUT WITH CHER.

The Cherlato ice cream truck will travel around LA to different locations every day throughout the summer months so everyone can get a taste of the frozen treats, according to a release. Fans can track the Cherlato truck on their website, cherlato.com

CHERLATO DOT COM

I MUST HAVE IT

CHER

DRIVE THIS TRUCK TO PENNSYLVANIA

COME TO MY HOUSE

I KNOW I JUST DID THIS ALL-CAPS SHOUTING BIT IN THE SECTION ABOUT GOSLING

I DON’T KNOW

I GET EXCITED

Flavors including the “Snap Out of It! Kefir and Cardamom,” Breakfast at Cher’s Coffee & Donuts” (that gets topped with an actual glazed donut) and “Chocolate XO Cher” are just the start of the singer’s inventive gelato menu.

CHER

I NEED THIS DONUT ICE CREAM

Cher and her partner Giapo Grazioli also came up with a zanier option like “SoCal’s Coldest Avocado on Toast,” which features creamy avocados and crunchy bread crumbs, plus a vegan creation called “LA, I Love You” made with vibrantly colored pluots to symbolize the Lakers’ colors.

God, I love this. There’s no reason for it to exist. Cher didn’t, like, need to start an ice cream truck called Cherlato. She’s Cher. But she woke up one day and decided to do it anyway. She told some of her friends — and I need you to picture Cher doing this, with her distinctive Cher voice — that she was thinking of starting an ice cream truck and then she went ahead and did it. That’s awesome. Good for Cher, man.

Two notes in closing: One, I’m sure she has this sucker staffed with employees who are not Cher but it really is fun to imagine her running this whole thing by herself, from driving it to parking it to scooping out the actual product; two, I would absolutely watch a reality show about Cher and her ice cream truck on a cross-country journey from Los Angeles to Pennsylvania to serve a double scoop to a handsome television blogger. The handsome blogger is me.

It could work.

CHER

THINK ABOUT IT

CHER

ITEM NUMBER FIVE – A brief note about the beach and/or science

Okay, quick story…

I was at the beach last week. It was lovely. I only used the internet to look at restaurant menus and sports scores and the weather, which was beautiful almost the whole time I was there. It did rain one afternoon, though, only for about an hour. It really did pour. And because, as regular readers of this column know, I use a wheelchair powered by electricity, I figured it would be smart to duck into a little ice cream and coffee spot until the rain ended. So I didn’t get, like, electrocuted at the beach. I do not think I would have enjoyed that.

There was a family sitting at a table near me, a mom and a dad and two kids, probably like 4 and 8 years old. The little guy was on a roll. He pointed outside at the rain and shouted “SCIENCE IS HAPPENING” and then a car drove by and he shouted “CARS ARE MADE OF SCIENCE,” neither of which are wrong, technically. His brother was doing the thing older brothers do where they kind of egg on and/or taunt and/or wind up their younger siblings. Just being a real brat, which is behavior I recognize from being an older brother myself. The little guy was getting fed up. He stopped the various scientific experiments he was doing and shouted the following words of warning at his older brother…

“DON’T LET ME HAPPEN”

This was last Wednesday. I have thought about it at least once every day since then. I suspect I’ll think about it again tomorrow, too. And the day after that. Don’t let me happen. Just a fascinating collection of words in a fascinating order. And a great title for like a memoir by a reformed celebrity troublemaker. Or for an album by the bad boy of a music act who is giving it a go as a solo artist. I might get it tattooed on my back. It somehow makes no sense at all and all the sense in the world. It’s almost profound.

Don’t let me happen.

You wouldn’t like me when I happen.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Matt:

My wife and I have started a little weekly tradition where she (works in the city, commutes every day) will grab takeout from a fun restaurant on Friday and bring it home after I (work from home, wears sweats a lot) call it in. The last two times I’ve placed the order under a stupid fake name and texted it to her so she knows what to tell the hostess when she gets there. I need to do it again this week so I figured I’d go to the expert on fake names for inspiration. For reference, I’ve already used “Bucky St. Thomas” and “Steve Mug.”

Oh, God. I kind of don’t want to help you here just for the sake of your marriage. Your wife seems like a very patient and/or frustrated woman. But I can’t help myself. I saw this sign last week on vacation…

… and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Toss a “Detective” in front of it for added effect.

“CHICKEN QUESADILLA SUPREME FOR DETECTIVE RIP CURRENTS”

Please tell your wife I am very sorry.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To California!

A semi-truck carrying 40,000 pounds of chocolate went up in flames on Monday morning in Northern California’s Placer County, according to CAL FIRE Nevada-Yuba-Placer.

This is an amazing sentence, start to finish, from 20 tons of blazing chocolate straight to “CAL FIRE,” which would be an incredible name for like a mustachioed lefty relief pitcher who throws sidearm and always has a massive wad of chewing tobacco tucked into his cheek.

When crews arrived on scene they found a fully involved fire in the trailer of the semi-truck and were able to keep the flames from spreading into the surrounding forestland.

I don’t want to tell these firefighters how to live their lives but if they don’t use “I had to stop a river of boiling chocolate lava from flowing into the forest and killing hundreds of woodland creatures” on their next first date with a man or woman they’re interesting in seeing long-term, I mean, that’s a real missed opportunity.

Footage from KCRA showed large heaps of chocolate melting in the heat, dripping off the wreckage of the vehicle and rocks along the side of the road.

I understand this is serious. I know it’s a problem and an emergency and a traffic nightmare. I get that. But I am so, so hungry after reading that sentence. Like, I might eat that chocolate-covered rock if someone plopped it down on my desk right now. It wouldn’t be the grossest thing I’ve ever eaten.

“Chocolate, or more so cocoa, is highly flammable. If it catches fire, the blaze is difficult to extinguish since cocoa powder contains 10 to 20 percent fat and has a huge surface area,” according to the DSV website. “The main danger lies when storing or transporting cocoa in large quantities.”

Three things:

• We are learning so much today
• I would like to see a Batman movie where the Joker commandeers a chocolate truck and uses it to set half of Gotham on fire, standing on top of it and spraying molten chocolate out of a big hose like a delicious flamethrower
• I like to imagine this comes up in Day One of training for the fire department in Hershey, Pennsylvania

Okay, time for dessert.