“It takes a village to raise a child.” First it was an African proverb, then a mainstream phrase to convey the indisputable fact that raising a child is no solo job. But now, in a time where mothers are left by and large without a community (save for maybe the countless online parent groups), that expression seems synonymous with a bygone era.
But the thing is—while the times have changed, the necessity of support has not. Which leaves many frustrated mothers wondering where to turn.
One mom is going viral for bluntly telling it like it is: The village is still there, but now it comes at a price.
The woman, Chancè Hindirlane, had stitched another mom’s TikTok video urging others to stop telling moms “it takes a village” when they essentially don’t have one.
Hindirlane responded by saying, “What we need to do is start telling mothers that the village is no longer free.” Therefore, part of the family planning process needs to go into building one.
“We need to start telling future mothers to financially plan ahead for their village. Plan ahead for a nanny. Plan ahead for a housekeeper. Plan ahead for a meal prep. Plan ahead for a postpartum care nurse,” she says.
And it’s not just support staff women should be thinking ahead about. They should also be taught from a young age to look for partners who are willing to take on the responsibilities of parenthood and able to divide labor equally.
“We need to start telling future mothers to pick their partner wisely. Not only pick a man who wants kids, but pick a man who also wants to be a father. We need to start telling them to talk about the division of labor super early on in their relationship.”
No, moms are not meant to do it all alone. But in order to get the help they need, Hindirlane attests, they’ll have to adapt with the times. This is perhaps a little daunting, given how expensive the cost of living already is, but it’s still valuable insight and hard to argue with.
Bottom line: There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Or a free village. So plan accordingly.
Hindirlane’s words struck a chord with hundreds of viewers, many of whom had also witnessed this shift.
“I was a nanny/household manager and it really taught me how insane it is to expect a mom to do it alone,” shared one person.
“‘The village is not free’ took my breath away. Nothing is truer. Had I known sooner, I absolutely would’ve planned differently,” added another.
One viewer suggested that couples should “cut back on wedding expenses” and instead get counseling as partners for financial planning. Not only is that a solid point but it also illuminates the collective shift away from certain traditions in favor of decisions that feel more practical, partially out of new ways of thinking and partially out of pure necessity.
Of course, one cannot always simply plan their way out of a faulty financial system. Childcare can range from $5,357 to $17,171, depending on the child’s age and where a family lives, despite childcare staff receiving some of the lowest wages in the country.
With each child accounting for 8% and 19.3% of a family’s income, many are simply priced out and many mothers are forced to stay at home because they’d only be working to afford childcare. Clearly not a winning scenario.
While what should be done systematically to improve these conditions for families is a whole ‘nother conversation, it is a good reminder that a thought-out plan is never a bad thing.