Ted Cruz has a new book out. It’s called Unwoke: How to Defeat Cultural Marxism in America. Now, before you update your Christmas list, you should read some reviews. Here’s one: “This book pushes a negative agenda towards our country. Like his efforts in congress, everything is about him. I am returning my copy of the book. Complete waste of time.” And another: “Just another desperate attempt to jump on a bandwagon and stay relevant lol.”
Lol, indeed.
To celebrate the release of the book, Jimmy Kimmel offered to help out Lyin’ Ted. “Ted’s been out trying to sell the book. His last book, he had to get his own campaign to buy thousands of copies to get it up the list, which is sad,” the Jimmy Kimmel Live host said during his monologue of Thursday’s episode. “So we decided that, this time, we’d help him out with an assist from one of the stars of RuPaul’s Drag Race, none other than Trixie Mattel.”
Mattel visited a classroom (in a nod to the Drag Queen Story Hours that conservatives are losing their mind over) and read excerpts from the book to unimpressed youngsters. “Do you know who this guy is?” Mattel asked the children. One responded, “No. Looks like somebody from the FBI.” Children really are the future — a future hopefully free of Ted Cruz complaining about The Little Mermaid, as he does in the book, and Barbie.
Jack Harlow has a sexy new bop on his hands. Tonight (November 10), the Louisville rapper, has shared “Lovin’ On Me,” which precedes a new album.
On “Lovin’ On Me,” Harlow delivers his signature cheeky bars, but also steps into his pop bag by showing off his vocal chops.
“I don’t like no whips and chains / Baby, you can’t tie me down / But you can whip your lovin’ on me, baby / Whip your lovin’ on me, baby,” he rap-sings on the song’s chorus.
Back in April, Harlow released his third studio album, Jackman. While the album received acclaim, Harlow was noticeably absent from the radio waves this past summer, despite having charts in a chokehold over the previous few years.
Harlow took to Twitter to explain his hiatus and revealed more new music is on the way.
“Thank u for allowing me to reset this year,” said Harlow. “I moved back to Kentucky and gave u an album I could not have made on the road. Surrounded by family & childhood friends this has been one of the happiest years of my life.”
Thank u for allowing me to reset this year. I moved back to Kentucky and gave u an album I could not have made on the road. Surrounded by family & childhood friends this has been one of the happiest years of my life.
The Kid Laroi is living the dream. Tonight (November 10), the Australian superstar released his long-awaited debut album, The First Time. And while he’s living that popstar life, he is realizing that the life of an artist isn’t always peachy.
On “Sorry,” the intro track from The First Time, Laroi grapples with the ups and downs of fame.
“I mean, the pressure’s immense / I’m 19, trying navigate money and stress / Weird industry friends and my family life is intense / And my girl is always upset ’cause I’m always f*ckin’ workin’ / Sh*t, I expect some respect / Can’t even go on the ‘net without someone goin’ for my neck,” he rap sings on one of the song’s verses.
While a life of artistry isn’t always easy, Laroi knows this is his true passion, and is willing to go through the bad to get to the good.
In the song’s accompanying video, Laroi is seen pedaling his bike down a road, walking through the city, contemplating the gravity of the choices he’s made. Elsewhere in the video, fans may notice similarities to Laroi’s “Let Her Go” video.
You can see the video for “Sorry” above.
The First Time is out now via Columbia Records. Find more information here.
Dove Cameron has no qualms about saying the things we’re afraid to say. As we are weeks away from her full-length debut album, Alchemical: Vol. 1, Cameron has shared “Sand,” a new ballad on which she mourns the loss of a lover, whom she can no longer look at with high regard.
“I saw the end when we began / You couldn’t love the way I can / I tried to bargain with the stars For more than half your heart but / You have more pieces of me than the desert has sand / And I have less pieces of you than I can hold in my hand,” she sings on the song’s chorus.
Inspired by true life events, “Sand” was a therapeutic song for Cameron to write alongside songwriting collective The Monsters & Strangerz. Since crafting the song, Cameron says she’s learned to trust her instincts when it comes to love.
“‘Sand’ is about a person who I loved very much, and who I thought I was going to spend my life with,” said Cameron in a statement. “It’s about the experience of having that seemingly perfect relationship end so suddenly and without warning, the feeling of shock and overnight disintegration of the future you built together, realizing no matter how much I gave of myself, I still had so little of him in the end, and the feeling of being unable to get back even the smallest pieces of myself that I had given away. I hope when you hear this song, it helps you learn to trust your instincts when you fall for someone, and hold out for the one where the more you give, the more they give. Don’t be afraid to lose the ones who can’t possibly see you, not because you aren’t incredible, but because they never could in the first place.”
You can listen to “Sand” above.
Alchemical: Vol. 1 is out 12/01 via Disruptor Records/Columbia Records. Find more information here.
After Marvel spent the last two weeks dropping surprisingly unsubtle hints that The Marvels would have a connection to the X-Men, we can report that the film does make good on that tease. However, The Marvels uses an unlikely character to pull off that connection.
In the sole mid-credits scene, Monica Rambeau (Teyonah Parris) is seen recovering in a hospital bed after the events of the film. However, she quickly realizes something is not right, and she’s clearly in an alternate reality. For starters, her dead mother, Maria Rambeau (Lashana Lynch), is alive and a version of Captain Marvel known as Binary. There’s also a strange creature treating her who will be immediately recognizable to fans of the old school X-Men movies: It’s Beast, and wildly, it’s the Kelsey Grammer version of the character.
The Frasier star played the character in 2006’s X-Men: The Last Stand before Nicolas Hoult took over as a younger version of Beast/Hank McCoy in X-Men: First Class. However, Grammer did reprise the role during a brief moment in 2014’s X-Men: Days of Future Past.
Now, it should be noted that the version of Beast in The Marvels is not exactly the one from the films. Like Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, which featured Patrick Stewart’s Professor X, this Beast hews more closely to the classic X-Men animated series. Because Marvel is a master at cross-promotion, that series is getting a revival on Disney+ next year called X-Men ’97, which Kevin Feige teased just this week. (He also teased that the X-Men would be showing up “soon” in the MCU, and he was not joking.)
The presence of Beast also confirms the Variety expose that claimed Marvel was planning on leaning into the Fox version of the mighty mutants to give the MCU a much-needed shot in the arm. That was already evident with Hugh Jackman reprising his Wolverine role for Deadpool 3, but clearly, that was just the beginning.
This week’s installment of The Golden Bachelor marks the return of all the glamorous, geriatric hotties Gerry Turner snubbed on his way to finding true love. The infamous “Tell-All” episode is a BachelorNation tradition that invites scorned lovers to air their grievances and gripes (with other contestants and with the bachelor/bachelorette they were courting) in front of a live audience. It can be controversial, emotionally charged, and sometimes, downright nasty. But, as with every other expectation that comes with this show, Mr. Turner and the women managed to subvert the norm.
Instead of tantrums, we got tears (lots of them), instead of brawls we got fart-filled bloopers, and instead of wallowing in heartbreak, we’re reminded of what this version of the reality franchise brings to the table: hope. There were no winners and losers, but there were some big reveals that feel worthy of a breakdown. Here are the biggest takeaways from The Golden Bachelor’s tell-all episode.
That Rose Ceremony Conclusion
The show left us clinging to the edge of a cliff all episode as they teased the devastating conclusion to Gerry’s stalled rose ceremony from last week. When we finally did return to that pivotal night, we learned that Theresa, not Faith, would be the woman joining Leslie as the final two women vying for Mr. Turner’s heart. Readers, we gasped. The connection between Faith and Gerry, especially during that hometown date, felt undeniable. He uttered the “L” word in front of her children. He rode her horse. He made promises to not break her heart. In comparison with that visit, Theresa’s hopes really felt doomed. He impressed her sisters, sure, but her daughter had a tough time buying into their romance and even Gerry seemed hesitant to issue any concrete declarations to the woman he had his first one-on-one date with. As fans, we felt as blindsided by Gerry’s decision as Faith seemed to be, but at least she got the opportunity for closure — and to watch Gerry weep like a baby on national TV again.
Squashed Beefs
There was no love lost between straight-shooting Kathy and Theresa, whose well-meaning narcissism irked the Texas retiree at every turn. A montage of those micro-aggressions played before host Jesse Palmer questioned Kathy on her relationship with Theresa now. It seems like those pickleball sidebars and cocktail tête-à-têtes are just water under the bridge, though Kathy has leaned into her signature “zip it” hand signal.
Susan’s Kardashian Connections
Though she never had an intense romantic connection with Gerry, Susan managed to win over the other women (and the fans) with her sense of humor, her carefree attitude, and her 7 a.m. chicken piccata. It’s no wonder then why she stole the spotlight during the tell-all, joking with Jesse Palmer about the sexual innuendos that embarrassed her kids and poking fun at herself during the blooper reel. But the best evidence that Susan was the real star of The Golden Bachelor came via a video message from her doppelganger: Kris Jenner. The momager counts herself as Susan’s number one fan, so really, who needs Gerry Turner when you’ve got that?
Ellen’s Heartbreak
Before we learned of Faith’s fate, pickleball enthusiast Ellen sat down for a one-on-one to re-live her exit from the Bachelor house. It was just as devastating the second time around, but what really brought the tears was the news that her best friend, Roberta, had passed before the show’s premiere. Roberta was the reason Ellen applied to be on the show and, by the time she was sent home, her friend was in a coma because of a stage four cancer diagnosis. As tragic as the situation sounds, the show managed to fly out Roberta’s daughter so that she and Ellen could honor her mom on TV.
Guacamole Sabotage
Most of the night was spent jokingly mulling over the biggest house mystery that never made it on air: The Case of Edith’s Gaseous Guacamole. Susan suffered the most, constantly breaking wind during intimate sit-downs with Gerry and to-camera confessionals. She blamed her indigestion on Edith’s concoction, but Edith threw the accusation right back, claiming it was Susan’s meatballs — which she’s been eating for 66 years with no problems, mind you — that led to the fart attacks. Who’s telling the truth? We’ll probably never know.
Fart Attacks
Speaking of flatulent flubs, plenty of The Golden Bachelor contestants were caught on camera belching and bottom-burping this season. Blame old age, those delicious mansion potlucks, or on-air nerves but the truth is, the funniest moment of the entire show — hell, this franchise’s entire run — featured Sandra, pausing her confessionals to bust out a lengthy one-cheek squeak while dead-eyeing the camera and then getting back to recapping the episode like nothing ever happened. If Sandra’s not the first Golden Bachelorette, we riot.
Giannis Antetokounmpo entered Thursday evening averaging 24.4 points and nine rebounds in his first seven games of the 2023-24 season. While those numbers would be stellar for most humans, the two-time MVP was operating well below his established level of production and efficiency. That sharply changed on Thursday, with Antetokounmpo absolutely erupting for 54 points on 19-of-25 shooting against the Indiana Pacers. However, the Bucks fell just short of a divisional road win, as the Pacers put together a notable closing kick to seal a 126-124 win.
In his trademark fashion, Antetokounmpo set the tone early in the game, attacking the rim with the combination of physicality, length, and touch.
Antetokounmpo scored eight points in the first quarter, but he kicked it up a notch in the second. That included 18 points on 6-for-7 shooting in the quarter, reaching 26 points by halftime.
Giannis (26 PTS) had EVERYTHING going in the 1H against the Pacers!
From there, Antetokounmpo also produced a mesmerizing third quarter. He was on the floor for fewer than ten minutes, but Antetokounmpo put up 20 points and seven rebounds while maintaining off-the-charts efficiency. By the time the fourth quarter arrived, he already had 46 points, including one stretch of 19 straight for Milwaukee.
Antetokounmpo’s dominance merely kept the Bucks afloat for quite a while, as Milwaukee trailed by as many as 18 points. Then, the Bucks actually built as much as a 10-point lead in the second half, only to see Indiana slash that margin and eventually take the advantage in the final minutes. Tyrese Haliburton buried the biggest shot of the night for the Pacers on a night in which he finished with 29 points and 10 assists.
All told, the Pacers went on a 23-8 run near the end of the contest, spoiling an otherwise transcendent effort from Giannis. It should be noted that he did have a few shortcomings in the final moments, but at the same time, Antetokounmpo did deliver a reminder of his individual upside on any given evening. For Indiana, it was a resilient, impressive win on the second night of a back-to-back, and the Pacers are now 6-3 to begin the campaign.
With so much talk about the ladies of pop in new eras, it appears one of our favorite pop fellows is in a new era of his own. While we’re not sure when Harry Styles will drop new music, he debuted something new today (November 9).
TMZ reported that Styles made an appearance at U2’s Vegas residency at The Sphere, with Taylor Russell, his rumored girlfriend, rocking a freshly buzzed head. While it appeared that Styles and Russell were enjoying themselves, Styles’ new hairstyle has prompted mixed reactions from fans.
One fan supported the decision and theorized that it may have been in response to a line from “Now That We Don’t Talk,” a Taylor Swift vault track that was released on 1989 (Taylor’s Version).
“taylor swift said “you grew your hair long” and harry styles had the opportunity to do the most unserious funniest thing ever, and he did,” said another fan.
taylor swift said “you grew your hair long” and harry styles had the opportunity to do the most unserious funniest thing ever, and he did https://t.co/IANKpsrF7k
At long last, Dua Lipa‘s new era has begun. In recent weeks, the Albanian pop star has been teasing what seems to be the rollout for her upcoming third album. She had cleared her Instagram page, posted and deleted video clips, and even played the new song for random passersby in London. This afternoon (November 9), Lipa finally gifted fans with “Houdini,” her new single produced by Kevin Parker of Tame Impala.
On “Houdini,” Lipa maintains her confidence as she glides over a flashy, trippy track.
“I come and I go / Prove you got the right to please me / Everybody knows / Catch me or I go, Houdini,” she sings on the song’s chorus.
In the song’s accompanying video, she is seen in a rehearsal space dancing on her own, before she is joined by a group of red-haired dancers. Lipa herself is also donning red hair, as she dances her way through a crowd in kaleidoscopic fashion. The group then disappears in a flash — like the song’s namesake.
Commiting to the act of an eras girl, with a new aesthetic and fresh new sounds, Lipa is bringing back something that’s been missing in pop for a long time.
Needless to say, this new era looks to be remarkable.
You can see the video for “Houdini” above.
Dua Lipa is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
The power of Patrón Tequila is undeniable. The brand started in the late 1980s and worked for decades to build around the idea that tequila could be and should be considered a “premium” product (and not just cheap swill you shot in college bars). Whether you like Patrón or not, the team’s work in the 1990s and 2000s was crucial to getting the entire tequila category to where it is today.
Since “premium” has always been at the heart of Patrón, they have a lot of really great expressions that specifically aim to prove their point. That means it’s time for a classic Zach Johnston ranking of every expression from the brand. For what it’s worth, this is our #1 most requested full brand ranking.
Patrón has always been a the forefront of modern tequila. Looking at the business, it’s a behemoth. Where George Clooney’s Casamigos was bought out by Diageo for $1 billion in 2017 (mostly thanks to creating a tequila brand geared toward American palates — read: sweet AF), Patrón became part of the Bacardi family of spirits in 2018 for a massive $5.1 billion buy out. That also came with a monster investment in local jobs in Jalisco, with thousands of jobs related to making and selling Patrón.
Moreover, Patrón is also leading the way on the “additive-free” front in the mainstream tequila conversation. The brand has partnered with Consejo Regulador del Tequila as a third-party certifier as an additive-free tequila for each of its expressions. While there are a handful of expressions that don’t carry this certification yet, most do and all will very soon. That means that Patrón’s tequila is made with agave-based distillate only and no extra sugars, modifiers (for texture), or coloring is added — outside of wood aging for certain expressions, of course.
As someone who was a (somewhat) early adopter of Patrón and an international spirits judge who knows his way around a tequila panel, I knew it was time to shine a light on every expression that is currently on shelves around the country. So below, I’m giving my professional tasting notes on all 16 current expressions (coffee liqueurs and discontinued labels like “Roca” not included). Then, I’m going to rank them based on taste, depth, and overall beauty of what’s in the bottle.
Sound good? Let’s dive in!
Also Read: The Top 5 UPROXX Tequila Posts Of The Last Six Months
This version of Patrón is their classic silver tequila (100% Blue Weber, slow roasted, and stone ground before triple distilling) that’s just kissed with smoky flavors drawn from the agave roasting.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: There’s a clear sense of slow-roasted and caramelized agave on the nose with a hint of smoldering black peppercorns still on the limb next to a hint of red dirt and maybe some burnt pineapple.
Palate: That pepper gets powdery and dry on the palate a more dry red dirt arrives with a light moment of aloe spears dried in the hot sun before a whisper of tart cream arrives to balance the pepperiness.
Finish: The end is dirty and peppery, which makes for a unique finish that’s ultimately short and dry.
Bottom Line:
This is a very “acquired taste” silver tequila. If you’re looking for something very earthy with a hint of smolder to it, this is going to be your jam. That said, this has an abrasiveness to it that might be hard for some to get past. My advice is to pour it over a lot of ice with a big bold garnish to add citrus or florals to the profile.
This is the easiest entry point to all of Patrón. The juice in the bottle is their classic 100% Blue Weber triple-distilled tequila. The tequila is rested in small-batch vats to calm it down before proofing and bottling at the iconic Hacienda Patrón distillery in Jalisco, Mexico.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Bright notes of star fruit, mango skins, and savory papaya seeds drive the nose toward brash lime and orange zest that feels fresh off the fruit before a mild white pepper arrives with a moment of full-fat large-curd cottage cheese.
Palate: The fruit sweetens toward mango and pineapple on the palate as the pepperiness mounts a nice bite of spice and the creaminess of the sip leans into farm-fresh cheese cut with that sharp pepper.
Finish: Everything sort of diffuses on the finish as the creaminess fades quickly and the fruit disappears into a mineral wateriness, leaving you with a mild dusting of white pepper.
Bottom Line:
This is classic silver tequila that actually has depth to it. I’d love to taste this at a slightly higher proof but here we are. In the end, this is what you want to make all your favorite tequila cocktails and highballs with.
For this expression, Patrón calms their silver tequila down in vats before loading it into a selection of used American and French oak barrels for a four-month rest. Those barrels are then batched and proofed before bottling.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Sweet oak pops on the nose with a fleeting sense of bourbon vanilla and soft winter spices layered into a spice cake that’s very nutmeg and allspice-heavy before that rich and caramelized sense of roasted agave arrives with a light sense of pepper and honey.
Palate: That honey stays fresh and full of summer florals on the tip of the tongue as the palate leans into freshly-pressed agave juice, pineapple skins, and a whisper of tart apple covered in buttermilk with a whisper of sweet oak lurking beneath it all.
Finish: That floral honey takes on a light woodiness as clove and black pepper counter vanilla cream made with tart buttermilk cut with nutmeg and roasted agave on the short finish.
Bottom Line:
This is the tequila you should be shooting. It’s balanced and full of solid flavor notes that denote “good” tequila. Moreover, this is a nice cocktail base for anything from a killer margarita to a light tequila old fashioned. We’re not quite in sipper territory yet, but no one is stopping you from pouring this over ice with a big bold garnish (think dried lavender or dried grapefruit wheels).
This ripple with this expression is long aging. Patrón’s Blue Weber spirit goes into a French oak barrel and is then left alone for seven long years before batching, proofing, and bottling.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: This smells like a wood bomb from the jump with deep notes of old oak staves rolled in black dirt, fresh firewood, and braids of cedar bark with smudging sage dipped in salted caramel.
Palate: That wood creates a dry AF palate with old oak staves leading toward more caramel, a touch of roasted agave, and plenty of very dry bourbon vanilla — kind of like old used pods that were left out in the sun too long — before a soft note of brandy-soaked raisins and molasses arrives.
Finish: That dried dark fruit adds some woody winter spice to the finish with a nice bite before the oak and cedar add a touch of dry tobacco on the very end.
Bottom Line:
This is a wood bomb. That’s fine if that’s your jam. I’d pour this over a lot of ice to calm that wood note down and let the creamy caramel and vanilla bloom to try and balance it out.
Poured neat, this is a lot. In a cocktail, it’ll be very woody still. Proceed with caution.
This mainstream Patrón is their classic distillate aged for a good spell. The tequila goes into old American and French oak and is left alone for 12 months. When the barrels are just right, they’re batched, proofed, and bottled.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Sweet caramelized agave draws you in on the nose with a sweet sense of woody spice barks and buds before soft bourbon vanilla arrives with a creaminess over raisin bread smeared with sour real butter and drizzled with fresh honey.
Palate: That honey gets creamy on the front of the palate as the raisins get rummy with a sense of funky old agave fresh from an oven before the oak swings back in with a sweet and spiced vibe.
Finish: Buttery salted caramel and light white pepper pops on the finish next to lush vanilla cream, bright floral honey, and winter spice cakes brimming with nutmeg, clove, cinnamon, rum-soaked raisins, and a whisper of almond.
Bottom Line:
This is one of the better mainstream añejo tequilas that you can get pretty much everywhere booze is sold. It makes a mean cocktail (simply replace whiskey with this in classic drinks). It’s also pretty damn good over one big rock with a lime twist.
This core version of Patrón is extra in a lot of ways. The tequila is aged for three long years in a combination of new and used American oak, Hungarian oak, and French casks. Those barrels are batched, the tequila is proofed, and it’s bottled sans additives like almost all Patrón these days.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: The nose draws you in with a medley of dates, prunes, and figs stewed with winter spice barks and covered in bourbon vanilla sauce cut with pepper spice and caramelized agave before a hint of bananas fosters arrives to really grab your attention.
Palate: Stewed plums and marmalade pop on the tip of the tongue, as the taste drives toward roasted agave hearts rolled in dark chocolate and dusted with ground almonds, dipped in honey with a foundation of creamy bourbon vanilla.
Finish: The end leans into soft oak with a hint of smudging sage before more of those dark fruits from the nose lead back to a creamed honey cut with caramel, vanilla, and white pepper.
Bottom Line:
This is just a nice and very balanced pour. This is also a great candidate for the tequila-curious whiskey drinker. There’s a lot of parallels to enjoy here. Drink it however you like to drink your whiskey and you’ll be set. Though I’d really recommend trying it in a Manhattan.
This is a special limited edition blend. In this case, the tequila is aged for over a year in a combination of Hungarian, French, and American oak. Those barrels are batched to create a unique flavor profile.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Buttery roasted agave leads on the nose with a deep sense of dark chocolate cut with dried red chili, fresh horchata made with roasted almonds and cut with sharp yet sweet cinnamon, and flutter of dried orange and grapefruit rinds that have been lightly caramelized.
Palate: Those caramelized citrus vibes get creamy and sweet on the palate as deeply roasted and caramelized agave drive the taste toward mincemeat pies, spiced winter cakes, and salted caramel tobacco.
Finish: The vanilla and cinnamon creaminess returns on the finish with a light sense of fresh cedar planks, smoldering smudging sage, and candied orange layered with almond cookies and rich pipe tobacco in an old oak box with a whisper of old saddle leather.
Bottom Line:
This is just good freaking sipping tequila. It’s great neat but really blooms with a single rock or a few drops of water, getting even creamier with marzipan, brandy-soaked dried fruits, and buttery toffee. You like sippers? Then you know what to do!
This is the oldest Patrón expression to date. The tequila is aged for 10 years (!) in a combination of used American oak barrels and a specially made hybrid barrel with American and French Limousin oak staves.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Deep and dark vanilla leads on the nose with a mix of black-tea-soaked dates, brandy-soaked prunes, and rum-soaked raisins next to sweet winter spices, dried orange rinds, candied lemon rinds, and butter salted toffee rolled in powdered cacao and ground almond with a whisper of slow-roasted agave and old warehouse.
Palate: The vanilla gets super creamy on the palate with a lush sense of the toffee driving the taste toward lush notes of boozy dark dried fruits baked into sweet pie crusts, cognac-filled marzipan, and a walk through a wildflower patch on a summer day with tart apple and pear orchards in a far distance.
Finish: The agave is caramelized and creamy on the finish with a sense of Tellicherry black peppercorns, huge rips of real cinnamon bark, whole nutmeg, allspice berries, and clove buds layered into blood orange skins with a light tobacco cut with pear brandy and more marzipan.
Bottom Line:
This isn’t over-oaked at all. The wood is there but it’s tied to winter spices and nuttiness. This is deep and delicious and a great candidate for replacing the whiskey in all of your favorite whiskey-forward cocktails or neat pours.
This Patrón expression is a long-aged tequila that utilizes rare barrels. The barrels are a combination of Patrón’s hybrid American and French Limousin oak barrels with used American whiskey barrels. The tequila spends five years mellowing before batching, proofing, and bottling.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Candied orange cut with cinnamon drives the nose toward floral honey cut with dried chili, black peppercorns, and a whisper of nasturtium before this buttery sense of vanilla cream leads to salted caramel bespeckled with roasted walnuts and dried cacao nibs.
Palate: Cigar humidors filled with clove tobacco open the sharp palate with a sense of roasted vanilla pods, rum raisin, dark cinnamon-spiced chocolate, a blend of eggnog and horchata, and light moments of whole red peppercorns over caramelized agave and almost savory fruit.
Finish: The end leans into the lushness of the vanilla and caramelized agave and fruit before hitting a light sharpness with dry tobacco, pine, and winter spice barks.
Bottom Line:
This is an easy-going sipper neat or on the rocks. There’s a quintessential vibe that speaks to really well-aged tequila that just sings on the senses.
El Cielo takes distilling good slow-roasted agave a step further. This version of Patrón is distilled four times before resting in a vat to calm it down for proofing and bottling.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Bright yet caramel-y roasted agave pops on the nose with a sense of standing next to an old brick oven overflowing with agave hearts before a sweet sense of grilled mango and pineapple mingle with good olive oil over blood oranges with a flake of salt and a whisper of Szechuan pepper adds a sharp edge.
Palate: That blood orange takes on a sour vibe on the front of the palate as sweet and very caramelized agave offers a counterbalance before hints of creamy cheese curd (maybe whey even) mingle with sharp whole fresh green peppercorns with a whisper of the purest mineral water filtered through slate.
Finish: The end gets super lush as the sharp pepperiness slowly fades toward sweet caramelized tropical fruits with a touch of stem and peel and maybe a flutter of green banana leaf with betel nut lurking on the very end.
Bottom Line:
This is so clean with such a deep and vibrant profile. It’s great sipping tequila for a silver expression. This over a single big rock is all you need.
This is a very special limited edition version of Patrón. The tequila starts with agave hearts slow roasted over mesquite coal-fired underground stone ovens/pits. And Patrón means “slow roasted” as the agave spends seven days slowly cooking in those smoky stone pits. The agave is then stone ground, fermented, and triple distilled before aging in used American whiskey barrels.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Fresh agave juice draws you in on the nose with a sense of bourbon vanilla, woody holiday spices, smoldering braids of cedar bark and smudging sage, almost fatty roasting herbs, piney honey, and homemade Nutella with a crunchy hazelnut vibe.
Palate: The mesquite just sneaks in on the sweet and vanilla-heavy forward taste on the tongue before almost stewed agave arrives with soft powdery winter spices and very fine white pepper, a touch of pine honey, earthy barrel houses with a faint must, and fall leaves resting in red dirt with a minerally sweetness.
Finish: The end softens massively toward soft white orange blossom and floral honey with deep lush vanilla cream just kissed with sharp woody cinnamon and whole peppercorns before a soft and moist layer of just smoldering pipe tobacco rolled with mint, chili, and chocolate adds another layer of depth to the finish.
Bottom Line:
This is pretty spectacular tequila. It’s unique and just works. The smoke and earthiness are present but layered into the well-aged tequila damn near perfectly. Pour this neat or over a big rock and take your time enjoying all this one has to offer. Or make a killer old fashioned with it. Dealer’s choice!
This is Patrón’s triple-distilled tequila that’s rested for 30 days in open oak vats before batching, proofing, and bottling. That whisper of oak gives the otherwise clear(ish) tequila an extra layer that elevates it beyond the ordinary.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Fresh agave in the fields drives the nose toward bold notes of bright orange, lime, and pomelo skins next to star fruit, lychee, and a touch of summer squash cut with fresh green peppercorn and a mild sense of fresh whey with a whisper of sweetness to it.
Palate: The agave takes on an earthy vibe like you’re walking through a field on a summer day before the star fruit takes on a tart feel with the orange leaning toward chinotto with a light sense of mango pits and papaya seeds adding a hint of bitter mouthfeel.
Finish: The green pepper turns black and bold on the finish as heavy spring water adds a creaminess to the bitter orange, soft tropical fruits, and old fresh agave plants in soft sweet red dirt with this faint whisper of dry pipe tobacco lurking in the background with an almost nuttiness.
Bottom Line:
This is one hell of a pour. It’s just unexpected but works in all the right ways.
This tequila starts as an Extra Añejo that’s then batched with a blend of Patrón’s Añejo and Reposado tequilas, creating a blend kind of akin to a single malt whisky of small batch bourbon.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Dark salted caramel sweetly draws you in on the nose with a deep sense of brandy-soaked dates, rummy raisins, and prunes just kissed with fruity smoke before a silky layer of vanilla buttercream arrives with a spike of cinnamon bark and clove bud alongside a fleeting sense of chewing tobacco cut with winter spices and dark chocolate.
Palate: The palate leans hard into the vanilla with an almost ice cream vibe before the spices counter that with a deep almond nuttiness, creating a horchata marzipan cut with cognac and floral honey before this mild sense of old oak staves in a musty old barrelhouse takes the taste toward dried agave spears and banana leaves.
Finish: The finish just kind of keeps going and hits on horchata-laced tobacco and smudging sage with a pile of spice barks before the vanilla creates this plush landing on the sense with spiced Christmas cakes overflowing with candied citrus, fatty nuts, dried fruits, and soaked in brandy.
Bottom Line:
This almost feels like it’s cheating. It’s so smooth and tasty. You can sip this all day and you’ll still find new flavor notes at the end of the day.
This rare tequila is aged in French Limousin and new American oak barrels (adding a very bold flavor akin to bourbon) for four years. Those barrels are small batched before proofing and bottling.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Fresh slices of star fruit and mango drive the nose toward this faint hint of toasted oak before a bright bourbon vanilla and sense of winter spice kicks in and leads your senses toward dried shiitakes and soft black potting soil with fresh cedar kindling.
Palate: The palate opens with a deep and dark yet fresh orange oil vibe that leads to vanilla cream, winter spice incense sticks, and a deeply roasted caramelized agave vibe that’s all counterpointed by a deep dried mushroom umami earthiness that’s part white moss and part mushroom tart with buttery pastry and a hint of white pepper.
Finish: The umami and caramelized agave blend to a great ultra-smooth mouthfeel on the finish that’s accented by little pops of candied orange, smoldering winter spice barks, soft pipe tobacco, and faint white pepper (think of an empty pepper jar that’s held white pepper for decades).
Bottom Line:
This is the biggest outlier on the list. That deep and earthy umami mushroom note is almost baffling but makes total sense by the time the finish arrives. It’s just so unique that you can’t help but fall in love with this one, especially if you’re looking for something truly one-of-a-kind from a big brand like this.
This is a very special luxury tequila. The spirit is distilled twice and then filled into used American and French oak barrels. After at least a year in those barrels, the tequila is dumped and then distilled again (something that’s damn near unheard of) before it’s re-barrelled into a vintage Bordeaux cask for a final rest.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Dark and warm mulled wine cut with caramel-heavy tequila draws you in on the nose with a deep sense of sticky toffee pudding soaked in cognac and drizzled with salted caramel cut with fresh orange zest before deep vanilla butteriness arrives with a sense of almost tart red wine-soaked prunes and raisins dotted with cacao nibs and tobacco stems.
Palate: A musty old barrel cellar opens the dry-ish taste before lush vanilla cream cut with winter spice barks and buds lead the taste back toward rum raisin, black-tea-soaked dates, and cognac-soaked marzipan with a deep and dark cherry cut with dried red chili tobacco rolled into an old cedar box with smoldering smudging sage and piney honeycombs.
Finish: The end leans into deeply caramelized agave with vanilla so creamy it feels like silk on the senses as the tequila slowly fades through winter spice cakes, dark caramel, and spiced tobacco.
Bottom Line:
This is pretty fantastic to the point where it could easily be number one on this list. The only reason it’s not is that this is like every facet of the winter holidays in a glass. It’s not that it’s pigeonholed to that time of year, it’s more that I can’t think of a better time to slowly sip this one.
This special edition of Patrón is a very small batch of special barrels. The blend is a batch of 14 very special Extra Añejo tequilas of Patrón that yielded only 299 bottles.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: There’s a clear sense of salted caramel over orange cake with a hint of poppy seed on the nose next to fresh cedar kindling, overripe mango, winter spice cakes soaked in cognac, a twist of chinotto, and deeply roasted agave dipped in dark cacao with a flourish of anise and clove.
Palate: That cedar kindling mingles with dry sweetgrass and rich pipe tobacco with a sweet caramel vibe on the front of the palate before honeycomb, orange-laced mulled wine, pear brandy-soaked marzipan, almond cakes cut with lemon oils, and cinnamon barks dipped in tart apple cider gets all buttery.
Finish: That cinnamon bark and buttery apple cider lead back to boozy spice cakes next to bitter chocolate agave spears that are more caramel than agave and a deep sense of dark dried fruits soaked in cognac and rolled in fresh peppercorns with a light kiss of fall breeze fill of colorful leaves from a fruit orchard.
Bottom Line:
This is the best of each Patrón in a single pour. It’s wildly beautiful on the palate with a crystal clear sense of what it is and a beautiful depth that’s ultra-soft and silky. This is the mountaintop of Patrón.
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