The Rundown: Tom Cruise, Send Me The Holiday Cake

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE – Give it to me

The holidays are a time for traditions. Putting up a tree, eating cookies, opening presents from family members who do not know what size shirt you wear, and so on. Those are some of the classics. But everyone has their own specific ones, too. Maybe you cook a special dish or play a fun little game or you sneak one naughty ornament onto your tree as a joke. I have one of these, too. I like to get blind with a jealous rage that other people in the entertainment industry get a fancy cake sent to them by Tom Cruise.

Background, quickly: Every year for many holidays now, Tom Cruise has sent a special cake to various co-stars and friends and members of the entertainment press. The cake is from Doan’s Bakery and is available on Goldbelly for $150 and is described thusly:

Doan’s Bakery ships its legendary white chocolate coconut bundt cake nationwide on Goldbelly! The White Chocolate Coconut Cake is Doan’s most famous creation and for good reason. They start with a ring of moist, luxurious coconut bundt cake, mix in chunks of sweet white chocolate, layer on rich cream cheese frosting, and then dust it all over with toasted coconut flakes. The result is a delicious, pillowy cake good enough to derail the strictest Hollywood diets.

And then every year a bunch of people post pictures of the cake when they receive it…

… and every year I do not get the cake.

I want this cake. I think I deserve this cake, honestly. I’ve been very good. I’ve been, at the very least, pretty good. Most of the time. I’ve rarely been bad. And even if I have, I don’t think Tom Cruise knows about it. Unless one of you told him. Did you rat me out to Tom Cruise? Is that why I haven’t gotten the cake? Because you snitched on me? I will never forgive you if this is the case.

It’s not even the cake itself that I want that badly, although I will always accept baked goods if they are offered to me. (Please do not send me poisoned baked goods. This will also make me upset at you.) I’m not a huge coconut fan. It’s more just that other people have it and I don’t. It’s not fair. Give me this cake. I do not want to buy it. I want Tom Cruise to send it to me.

Tom.

Tom Cruise.

Are you reading this?

Send me the cake.

Tom.

The cake.

I will give you my address.

Don’t listen to what all those people said about me not deserving it.

I do.

I deserve the cake.

Send me one.

Send me the cake, Tom.

I’ve seen all the Mission: Impossible movies.

I’ve earned a cake.

This cake.

Not that watching the movies was a grind or anything.

I love them.

Tom.

I did not mean for that to sound like an insult.

Let’s not get bogged down in it.

Forget I mentioned it at all, actually.

Just get the cake in the mail.

If not this year, then next.

But this year would be better.

Tom.

Send me the cake.

Please.

Thank you.

ITEM NUMBER TWO – Margot Robbie is cool

It is my position, and has been for a while, that Margot Robbie seems like a cool lady. I say this for many reasons, none of them firsthand. She just seems cool. And nothing she’s done recently has dissuaded me from that in any way. Like, look at this sit down she did with Cillian Murphy for Variety’s Actors on Actors series, where the stars of the summer Barbenheimer phenomenon had a nice little chat about, well… everything. Did you know Margot Robbie, like me, is a huge Peaky Blinders fan? Well, you do now. Again, very cool.

Here are my two favorite sections of their chat, though. First, the bit where she calls out a producer by name for suggesting she get the date of Barbie moved to create more room for Oppenheimer.

One of your producers, Chuck Roven, called me, because we worked together on some other projects. And he was like, “I think you guys should move your date.” And I was like, “We’re not moving our date. If you’re scared to be up against us, then you move your date.” And he’s like, “We’re not moving our date. I just think it’d be better for you to move.” And I was like, “We’re not moving!” I think this is a really great pairing, actually. It’s a perfect double billing, “Oppenheimer” and “Barbie.”

Hmm. Yes, correct. Good for her.

This part is my favorite, though. What started as a little discussion about wearing pink turned into something incredible.

ROBBIE: No, I’m not done with pink yet. Yeah, the costumes were incredible. I mean, you just can’t have a “Barbie” movie without the color pink. And everyone really got on board with that. I’d make a “On Wednesdays, we wear pink” day. Do you know that reference from “Mean Girls”?

MURPHY: I had forgotten that reference.

ROBBIE: On Wednesdays, they wear pink. And so if you didn’t wear pink on set, you got a fine. And then I’d donate it to charity. It’s always the guys, I feel like, that are like, “Oh, finally I have permission to wear pink and get dressed up!” It would get crazier and crazier until Ryan would be like, “I think I need a mink.” It would just get insane.

Two things here:

• I would pay $100 to watch Mean Girls in a home theater with Cillian Murphy
• Please stop what you’re doing right now and imagine a world where Cillian Murphy played Ken in Barbie

I can’t stop thinking about this. If you see me out this weekend with a stupid smile on my face, please know that I’m probably picturing this in my brain.

ITEM NUMBER THREE – I need people to keep asking Hugh Grant questions about Wonka

Hugh Grant is out doing press for Wonka, which is great. It’s great because it’s fun to see headlines about him and then remember “oh crap, Hugh Grant is playing an Oompa Loompa in the new Willy Wonka musical,” but mostly it’s great because he seems so cranky about it all. Just miserable. He’s talked to a few outlets about it and every quote he’s given them is funnier than the last. Like, there’s this one…

“I made a big fuss about it,” Grant said. “I couldn’t have hated the whole thing more.” Asked if the ends justified the means, he replied: “Not really.”

Grant later joked that it was nothing personal against Wonka and director Paul King. “I slightly hate [making films] but I have lots of children and need money,” he said.

… which is really very lovely. You can hear him saying it in his voice if you focus for a second. “I couldn’t have hated the whole thing more.” Good for Hugh Grant. I’m sure the studio is thrilled.

This one was great, too, where Hugh Grant talked to People Magazine and told them about the film director, Paul King, sending him an image of a nude Oompa Loompah for funsies.

“Paul, quite early on in the editing process, sent me a mock-up of the Oompa Loompa stark naked. And my little children were a little alarmed at that,” says father-of-five Grant, 63.

The reason for the nude image? “To amuse him,” says the actor, who also worked with King on 2017’s Paddington 2.

What is your favorite part of this? Is it the image of Hugh Grant’s face when he opened the email? Is it the thing where this is what the director of Paddington 2 is up to in his free time? Is it the thing where this is all in service of a musical where Timothee Chalamet plays Willy Wonka?

My favorite part is all of it. I hope the press tour never ends.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR – Please make a movie about the counterfeit olive oil

It brings me great pleasure to report that the counterfeit olive oil situation in Europe remains completely out of hand. Just unruly in every way. This week, various law enforcement agencies in Spain and Italy arrested almost a dozen people who were involved in the oil fraud operation. The news reports about it said the confiscated olive oil was “unfit for consumption,” which sounds bad, and that the operation produced over 60,000 gallons of it, which is… almost impressive actually. Bad, yes, but a little impressive.

From the report in the New York Times:

The Italian authorities have been particularly busy in recent years cracking down on mislabeled olive oil. The Olive Oil Times, a publication that covers the olive oil industry, reported that Italian officials prevented 2.3 million liters, or roughly 607,595 gallons, of virgin and refined olive oils labeled as extra virgin from being sold last year.

Two notes here:

• We actually discussed all of this once before but I really do love the idea of journalism majors getting jobs covering breaking news at The Olive Oil Times
• I need someone to make a movie about a loose-cannon law enforcement agent breaking up an illegal olive oil ring

Moving on.

Photos and videos of the investigation that were posted by Europol on social media hinted at a vast and detailed operation: towering silver barrels, safes filled with thick wads of cash, rows of computers, and containers filled to the brim with a thick, yellow-brown substance that investigators poured into small labeled bottles.

God yes. I’m serious now. I need this movie by next summer at the latest. Send Jason Statham into the warehouse. Let him punch a dozen armed goons in the throat. Have him knock over a huge drum of olive oil and make the goons slip and slide and fall down like cartoons. Cast Joaquin de Almeida as the head of the counterfeit olive oil conglomerate. The name might not leap out at you but Google him and you’ll know this is right. Give Statham’s character a name like Special Agent Steel Knifeman. We can do this.

We should do this.

We must do this.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE – I do not know why I am like this

Macaulay Culkin got a star on the Walk of Fame last week. That’s nice. He deserves it for Home Alone by itself. We’ve been watching and enjoying that movie as a society for over 30 years now. And he seems shockingly well-adjusted for a child star. I’m actually really happy for him. Good for Macaulay, man.

His Home Alone mom, Catherine O’Hara, who also deserves every nice thing in the world, presented him the star at the ceremony.

Working with him as a co-star, O’Hara marveled at how Culkin fully and seemingly effortlessly embodied his character. “It was as if this real boy, Kevin, was surrounded by actors and just went along with it for the fun.” She credits him for the movie becoming a global, and enduring, phenomenon: “He is the reason we have all made watching ‘Home Alone’ a family holiday tradition.”

Okay, but here’s where I’m weird. I read all that, about how well he’s doing as an adult and about how he has some cool new trinkets to show for it, and all I could think about was the time he showed up on The Righteous Gemstones as the estranged son of Baby Billy Freeman and Walton Goggins, as Baby Billy, said this to him…

Truly the mark of success. Maybe more so than a silly little star on a sidewalk. Either way, the man really is doing great. Let’s say it again: Good for Macaulay Culkin, man.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Drew:

I was watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas this week with my son and I had a thought that I really did not know what to do with other than email you about it. What if you took the scene where the Grinch stole all the presents in Whoville but replaced the “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” song with “Sinnerman” from The Thomas Crown Affair? Would that work? It’s still a heist, right? And should we also consider a Grinch movie where the Grinch wears a tuxedo and is voiced by Pierce Brosnan? I swear I wasn’t ignoring my son the whole time I was thinking about this.

Drew, this is a lovely email. I kind of want to edit this together to see if it works but there are three tiny problems:

• I will be devastated if it doesn’t
• I worry the copyright police will kick open my door and take all my electronics away, even my coffee maker
• If I start listening to the Grinch song I might just keep listening to it all day

I suddenly need to hear Rene Russo say “You’re a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss.”

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Texas!

A mysterious giant Santa Claus inflatable has gotten locals excited for Christmas time in Hollytree.

MYSTERIOUS INFLATABLE SANTA

KETK is told it has been up for about a week now but no one knows who put it up.

“Nobody lives on this lot so we don’t know who installed Santa but isn’t that fun,” said Marsha Daugherty, a Hollytree resident.

FULL HBO DOCUSERIES FROM THE MCMILLIONS TEAM

Regardless, it has been a hit with the community, especially for children.

“I was shocked when I first saw it and I thought it was so big,” said resident Nate Navetta.

GET NATE ON CAMERA AT ONCE

Since being put up, some kids cannot go a day without seeing it.

“My family and I like to drive by it at night,” said Nate.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO NATE AND NATE ALONE