Can you believe Republican voters are still in thrall to someone who doesn’t know how magnets work? Strange but true. Donald Trump, who this time last year was still in the doghouse for doing things like dining with anti-Semites, is back on top in GOP polling. He’s even doing this while juggling multiple court cases, including one for defamation over sexual assault. This surreal situation proved fodder for SNL’s first Cold Open of 2024.
The sketch found James Austin Johnson’s acclaimed take on the 45th president where he is when he’s not holding rallies: standing in courthouse lobbies, ranting to reporters. He began by insulting his permanently revolving door legal iunit.
“Look at this team,” he said, motioning to a row of generic middle aged lawyers. “This is the bottom of the barrel, folks. This is ‘Who said yes.’ I’m in the lead for president and this is the best I can get. Feels like a red flag, no?”
He then turned to his team, telling them, “You’re not getting paid, by the way. You know that? Of course you do.”
Trump also addressed the elephant in the room: that his brain appears to have finally turned to mush. He’s been mixing up names, mixing up World Wars, calling corn “non-liquid gold.” But he tried to put that issue to bed.
“As you can see, I’m doing very well cognitively,” he claimed. “I’m doing great with cognitive. I think I’m doing great with cognitive. I’m more cognitive than ever. The doctor said, ‘Sir, you have to be in the top 99% of all the concussion and dementia people we give this test to.’”
Trump also praised his campaign. “We’ve seen a lot of success with saying things that did not happen,” he said, of his longtime habit of straight-up lying. “I think we’ll continue to do that. It’s an innovation I’m particularly proud of, seems to be working very well.”
And he addressed his die-hard supporters, some of whom he’s told to risk their lives to vote for him:
“I love this country, and its traditions. That’s why I’m not doing any debates and barely doing election. I don’t need to, my people love me. I’ve got the old people, they’re waiting in snow for two hours to vote for Trump. ‘Oh darling, I’m dying, I’ve got to do one last thing. I gotta vote for Trump.’ We just need them to stay alive till November. Stay alive till November. Just pull that lever and drop dead. Why? Because I’m sent by God and God has a plan for me or whatever, I dunno.”
He ended on a cautiously optimistic note, saying, “2024 is going to be a very exciting year. I’m either going to jail, be president or, frankly, the purge. Perhaps all three, let’s spin the chamber!”
You can watch the full sketch in the video above.