OKAY
LOOK
OKAY
I KNOW I KINDA LOST MY MIND ABOUT THE JARDIANCE COMMERCIAL LAST YEAR
I WROTE A WHOLE THING ABOUT IT IN ALL-CAPS
WHICH I STAND BY
BUT I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING
GUYS
THEY REPLACED THE JARDIANCE LADY
LOOK
LOOK AT THE NEW COMMERCIAL THAT STARTED AIRING RECENTLY
WHAT
WHY
THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE OTHER JARDIANCE LADY
SHE WAS ACTUALLY COOL ABOUT IT
THE PROBLEM WAS THE COMPLETELY INSANE COMMERCIAL
AND THE SONG
I KNOW I’M WRITING ABOUT COMMERCIALS A LOT LATELY
BUT COME ON
NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE
WHO IS THIS IMPOSTOR
QUESTION MARK
RESPECTFULLY OF COURSE
I’M SURE THIS NEW LADY IS LOVELY
THAT’S NOT THE POINT
PLEASE DO NOT BE WEIRD TO HER
THE POINT IS THAT THE NEW COMMERCIAL IS JUST AS NUTS AS THE LAST ONE
AND RAISES EVEN MORE QUESTIONS
LIKE, DO THESE COMMERCIALS EXIST IN THE SAME UNIVERSE
THE JARDIANCE UNIVERSE
WHERE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE SPONTANEOUSLY BREAK INTO A CHOREOGRAPHED SONG AND DANCE ABOUT DIABETES MEDICINE
IS THIS THE ONLY SONG THEY HAVE
LIKE IS THE TOP 40 JUST 40 ENTRIES OF “THE JARDIANCE SONG” SUNG BY DIFFERENT PEOPLE
“THE JARDIANCE SONG (TAYLOR’S VERSION)”
THERE’S A THING YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT NOW
SORRY
WHAT IS GOING ON
WHY IS THIS COMPANY’S TECH GUY EXPLAINING MEDICINE
THAT’S NOT HIS JOB
THIS IS LIKE THE MAILMAN SITUATION FROM THE OTHER COMMERCIAL
WAIT
HOLD ON
DID HE JUST GOOGLE IT
IS THIS WHY HE’S HOLDING THE COMPUTER
TO READ IT OFF THE SCREEN
THAT SEEMS LIKE A WEIRD USE OF COMPANY RESOURCES
DOES NO ONE ELSE KNOW HOW TO USE THE INTERNET HERE
“HEY MIKE CAN YOU LOOK UP THE SCORE OF THE PHILLIES GAME FROM LAST NIGHT”
THAT IS NOT MIKE’S JOB
HE’S KEEPING THE SERVERS UP
LEAVE HIM ALONE
OKAY
PLEASE IMAGINE THIS LUNCH DELIVERY GUY EXPLAINING THIS WHOLE SCENE TO LITERALLY ANYONE
“IT WAS WEIRD I SHOWED UP WITH SOME SANDWICHES AND EVERYONE WAS JUST SINGING AND DANCING”
WHAT DOES THIS COMPANY EVEN DO
WHY ARE THERE ONLY THREE BOXES
WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE EATING
HEY
LOOK AT OUR GUY MIKE OVER THERE
SHOWING THAT GUY HOW TO USE HIS SMARTPHONE???
JESUS CHRIST
POOR MIKE
HE’S HOLDING THIS ENTIRE COMPANY TOGETHER WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS DANCING
WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE
WHY IS THIS MAN STARING AT THE BROKEN COPIER
WHO BROKE IT
WHAT IS HE MAKING COPIES OF ANYWAY
PRINTOUTS OF NEW DANCE STEPS
I MEAN THAT APPEARS TO BE THE ONLY THING GOING ON IN THIS OFFICE
AND EVEN THEN
WHO LEARNS DANCE STEPS FROM BLACK AND WHITE PRINTOUTS
JUST TEXT EVERYONE A YOUTUBE OR TIKTOK VIDEO OF THE DANCE
ASK MIKE FOR HELP
HE CAN TELL YOU HOW TO DO THAT
LOL
IT WAS UNPLUGGED
THE COPIER WAS UNPLUGGED
THAT WAS THE PROBLEM
THIS LEGITIMATELY MIGHT BE THE LEAST EFFICIENT BUSINESS I HAVE EVER SEEN
WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYONE’S A1C
WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS IN THOSE DELIVERY LUNCH BOXES
MAYBE THAT WOULD HELP TOO
SOMETHING TO CONSIDER
WAIT
HOLD ON
WAIT
WHAT AM I LOOKING AT HERE
WHY DOES THE OFFICE KITCHEN HAVE SLIDING WALLS THAT LOCK TOGETHER LIKE A PUZZLE
WHO THE HELL DESIGNED THIS
M.C. ESCHER
WAIT
IS THAT WHAT THEY DO AT THIS BUSINESS
BUILD AND SELL MOVABLE KITCHENS
THAT DOES NOT SEEM LIKE A PROFITABLE BUSINESS MODEL
I CANNOT IMAGINE MANY PEOPLE NEEDING OR EVEN WANTING ONE OF THESE
WHAT IF YOU ARE JUST HEATING UP SOME SOUP
AND THE WHOLE COUNTER MOVES
THESE PEOPLE CAN’T EVEN WORK THE COPIER
THIS SEEMS NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED
IMAGINE THE EMAILS MIKE GETS ABOUT THIS
“MIKE I BROKE THE KITCHEN AGAIN”
RE: BROKEN KITCHEN “DID YOU CHECK TO SEE IF IT WAS PLUGGED IN”
“AHHH THANKS MIKE”
POOR MIKE
OKAY
SO FIRST OF ALL
THE DELIVERY GUY IS STILL THERE
HE’S PART OF THE CHOREOGRAPHY NOW
LOOK AT HIM OVER ON THE LEFT
ALSO
IMAGINE YOU WALK IN HERE FOR A MEETING ABOUT A RIDICULOUS INTERLOCKING KITCHEN
LIKE YOU ARE THE CEO OF A FORTUNE 500 COMPANY AND YOU WANT TO INSTALL THEM IN ALL OF YOUR OFFICES AROUND THE WORLD
AND YOU GET THERE
AND EVERYONE IS JUST SINGING AND DANCING IN THE LOBBY
I MEAN
I DON’T KNOW
MAYBE THAT’S HOW THINGS GO IN THE JARDIANCE UNIVERSE
LIKE MAYBE YOU’D BE MORE CONCERNED IF THEY WEREN’T ALL SINGING
“IT SURE IS QUIET IN HERE… ALMOST… TOO QUIET”
DO YOU SEE
DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE
THEY REPLACED THE FIRST LADY AND SOMEHOW MADE IT ALL MORE CONFUSING
I NEED SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO ME
MIKE
MIKE ARE YOU READING THIS
PLEASE
COME EXPLAIN THIS TO ME
YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE