Month: April 2024

Love songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

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On the other hand, that time you told that girl you just started seeing that you would “catch a grenade” for her? You did that because of a love song. And it wasn’t exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to “lose your number” and move back to Milwaukee to “figure some stuff out.”

That time you held that boom box over your head outside your ex’s house? You did that because of a love song. And 50 hours of community service later, you’re still not back together.

Love songs are great. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, real-life human relationships should work.

They’re amazing. So amazing. And also terrible.

Here are six love songs that sound romantic but aren’t, and one song that doesn’t sound romantic but totally is:

1. “God Only Knows,” by The Beach Boys

You can keep your “Surfin’ Safaris,” your “I Get Arounds,” and your “Help me Rhondas.”

When it comes to The Beach Boys, “God Only Knows” is where it’s at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here’s why it sounds romantic:

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I’ll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I’d be without you

If you’re traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing “God Only Knows” on your iPod, you should really stop and start over.

If you’re lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball net and “God Only Knows” isn’t playing somewhere in the back of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got you to this point.

If you’re a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you’re not underscoring it with the opening chords of “God Only Knows,” you are doing it wrong.

It’s a song that just feels like love. Pure love. Young love. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be wrong with that?

Here’s why it’s actually really, really unromantic:

There’s nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

But there is such a thing as loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

The world could show nothing to me

So what good would living do me?

Look, I get it. Breakups suck. There’s no getting around that. But good God.

There’s a huge difference between saying: “Hey babe, you are my first and foremost everything and I’ll be bummed if you go.” And saying: “Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, so I’m just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call it a life.”

But that’s pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line…

God only knows what I’d be without you

…horror-movie creepy. Because the answer, apparently, is: “I’d be a corpse!”

That’s not love. That’s codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn’t loving. It’s a form of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any relationship — one that, by definition, might one day end — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Sure, God may only know what you’d be without her, but God probably also hopes you have, I don’t know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.One person cannot be anyone’s be-all and end-all. It’s too stressful. And it prevents you from doing you, which is a thing that’s gotta be done before you can do anything else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

2. “Treasure,” by Bruno Mars

Sure, it’s a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song you’ve ever heard. But, we don’t have Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Here’s why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Honey, you’re my golden star

You know you can make my wish come true

If you let me treasure you

If you let me treasure you

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-grade make-out party and you’ll likely get an instant toll pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will think you’re weird — but probably still make out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this song.

And I’m OK with that.

But, here’s why “Treasure” isn’t as romantic as it seems:

Everything about “Treasure” is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

Things start to go south right from the very beginning:

Give me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby

I gotta tell you a little something about yourself

Ah yes. Nothing screams “respect” quite like a man lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she “doesn’t know about herself.”

What could it be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she’s got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book about early modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?

Spoiler Alert: It’s none of those.

You’re wonderful, flawless, ooh, you’re a sexy lady

But you walk around here like you wanna be someone else

Oh. It’s that she’s sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Word of advice? Regardless of how she’s walking, the lady knows she’s sexy. Even if she doesn’t, it really doesn’t affect her day-to-day so much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

So what if she does want to be someone else? I’d love to be someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A good way to spend a three-day weekend.

And then later, of course, the narrator can’t help himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be smiling

A girl like you should never look so blue.

He respects her so much, he’s actually straight-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars’ character “Uptown Funk,” who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to “hit [their] hallelujah.” Which, you know, I guess everybody’s got a thing.

Yes, in the world of “Treasure,” a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said woman being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses “the sex.”

He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the world’s creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you, you are

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you, you are

By this point, in his mind, she’s a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.

I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she’s not just any thing.That’s … something, right?

3. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right,” by Bob Dylan

For as long as humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And “Don’t Think Twice” is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Here’s why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe

Even you don’t know by now

And it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe

It’ll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window, and I’ll be gone

You’re the reason I’m a-traveling on

But don’t think twice, it’s all right.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

“Don’t Think Twice” is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. It’s the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months after her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her bank-teller job, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend’s cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.

Sure, it’s about the end of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the end of the day, shouldn’t that be enough?

Here’s why it’s actually sooooo messed up:

Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right way to call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a difficult, honest discussion about what went wrong.

In “Don’t Think Twice,” that discussion basically boils down to: “It’s your fault.”

Let’s review the reasons the dude in “Don’t Think Twice” is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You’re all like, “Babe, I just have so much unspecified love to give,” and she’s like, “Take out the trash!” And you’re like, “But baaaaaaabe, shouldn’t my heart be enough?” And she’s like, “No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need you to do is take out the trash.” And you’re like, “You’re bumming me out. I’m gonna go play guitar.” And then she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!

You could have done better, but I don’t mind

Yes. You do mind! You mind! You wrote a song about it, you passive-aggressive prick.

You just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your time is so precious! Think about all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you could have been futzing around with that home-brew kit.

The minute you start breaking it down, the message of “Don’t Think Twice” suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister’s ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt’s wind chime store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the ’80s. Like your friend’s cool dad, who wasn’t exactly, technically, paying child support.

Oh yeah, and the song’s narrator also point-blank refers woman he’s leaving as:

A child, I’m told

That’s right. In addition to being a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he’s also possibly a pedophile.

Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she’s not actually a child — which there’s no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

4. “Leaving on a Jet Plane,” by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

Here’s why it sounds romantic:

“Leaving on a Jet Plane” is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were still kind of new at the time it was written.

‘Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane

To a modern ear, this would be sort of like singing, “I’m a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard,” but in a way that’s somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer camp. Not easy to do!

Oh babe, I hate to go

You see — he hates to go! He just hates it! We know this, because he tells us he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn’t love his partner just that much?

Why indeed?

Here’s why it’s actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can only distract so much from the fact that the song’s main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn’t actually seem like he hates being away all that much:

There’s so many times I’ve let you down

So many times I’ve played around

I tell you now, they don’t mean a thing

“Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched alone while you were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. But rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense.”

Yes, when you break it down, “Leaving on a Jet Plane,” is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he’s “good” despite all evidence to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be broken up about having to part from his one and only, the dude seems pretty excited about the flight. Oh, you’re leaving on a jet plane, are you? Are you Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the “terrible” Cibo express salad you were forced to choke down as you sat waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

He continues:

Ev’ry place I go, I’ll think of you

Ev’ry song I sing, I’ll sing for you

Ah cool. He’ll think about her while strumming and making “my love is delicate as the morning dew” eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes up for it all.

Then he demands:

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you’ll wait for me

After all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who can’t be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to wait? To wait for him?

And here’s the kicker:

When I come back, I’ll bring your wedding ring

Ah yes. He’ll put a ring on it. Finally.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he’s cheated a billion times, drained the family bank account, and just been a general screwup and disappointment.

But yeah. This time he says he’ll bring back a wedding ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. “When a Man Loves a Woman,” Percy Sledge

When you look up “soul” in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this song.

Specifically, it plays you the very first line.

Here’s why it sound very romantic:

When a man loves a woman

Sure, you can write the lyrics down, but it doesn’t even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN

Closer … but still no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It’s an elemental lyric.

It’s a heart-shattering lyric.

It’s a lyric that demands you put your back into it.

It’s perfection.

As long as you don’t keep listening.

Here’s why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of “When a Man Loves a Woman,” we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He’d give up all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that’s the way

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A man, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A man can’t put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A man needs friends! Once a man’s whole support system erodes out from under him, a man will be bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a man’s mental health will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin’ to hold on to your heartless love

Baby, please don’t treat me bad.

This is not what happens “when a man loves a woman.” It’s what happens when a man loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An abusive woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.

And that’s not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We’re here for you.

(Side note: Lest it go unsaid, there is way more than one way for a man to love a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Maybe they sleep in separate bedrooms. Maybe they dress up in large, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a man, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there’s no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There’s more than one way to skin a cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. It doesn’t matter if it’s the right metaphor, as long as it’s a metaphor.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek help! You can do this! And if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, please give these people a call.

6. “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You,” Heart

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the most popular AllRecipes (“Jaaaamie’s Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World’s Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts”) and it would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the end of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should always be listening to it. If you’re not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It’s just that important.

I am singing the phone book. You are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. So much pain. So much hair.

Here’s why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking up an unnervingly attractive man for one night of mind-blowing sex and then releasing him back into the wild to bone — but never quite as compellingly ever again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat

So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while

I don’t have to go on because you know what happens next, and it’s awesome.

Now, here’s why this song is not romantic at all:

The relationship in “All I Wanna Do” seems too good to be true. And it is. Because it’s not an equally loving ,or even equally lusty, pairing at all.

It’s a…

It’s a…

Well. You know what it is:

For a while, things are humming along just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:

I didn’t ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain

Fate, tell me it’s right, is this love at first sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to pick up a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator just has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

I can respect that.

We made magic that night

He did everything right

Great! Seems like it was a good decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin’ off big time.

But then, without warning, the song starts to sound less like an all-time great romance and more like a story men’s rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him “I am the flower, you are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare

Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there”

I’m not a poet. Symbolic language often eludes me. But unless “flower,” “seed,” “garden,” and “tree,” suddenly mean wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early-1970s, we’re talking about a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to think, “Maybe Heart meant something else by that.”

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

Then it happened one day

We came round the same way

You can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own eyes

There are two possibilities here.

One: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway ad from nine years ago:

Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, “Please, please understand

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I’m in love with another man

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not one but two lives.

And what he couldn’t give me, oh, no

Was the one little thing that you can”

A HUMAN LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best you can say about that is that it’s not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his own birth control. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

But … it’s not cute. It’s not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves agree).

And at the end of the day, the shadiest character in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which… is saying something.

But there is a love song that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A song that can double as a manual for the ideal human romantic relationship.

And that song is…

“Candy Shop,” by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Here’s why you might be — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:

As catchy as “Candy Shop” is, as fun it is to dance to, and as cathartic as it can be to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.m., there’s no getting around the fact that the song begins like this:

I’ll take you to the candy shop

I’ll let you lick the lollipop

I’ll post that again, in case you missed some of the nuance:

I’ll take you to the candy shop

I’ll let you lick the lollipop

Way to take one for the team, narrator of “Candy Shop”!

At first glance, “Candy Shop” is nobody’s idea of a classic love song.

The lyrics are … unusually forward. The beat is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in “Homeland.”

It doesn’t get played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels … kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” on your new Xbox 360.

It’s not a song you’d put on a mixtape for your crush. It’s not a song you’d play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and you’ve got nine hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It’s certainly not a song you’d include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents’ silver anniversary.

It’s just not.

But it should be.

So here it is. Here’s why “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It’s only been 20 seconds, and you’re already getting ready to hang it up with “Candy Shop.”

But then … over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female voice joining the track, cutting through the din like a clarion call.

She sings:

I’ll take you to the candy shop (yeah)

Boy, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I’ll have you spendin’ all you got (come on)

Keep going ’til you hit the spot, whoa

It’s mutual! It’s mutual! They’re performing oral sex on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go!

50 Cent himself may not be the world’s greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he’s done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of “Candy Shop”? He gets it:

You could have it your way, how do you want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he’s with — a la the dude in “God Only Knows (“I’m going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in you!”) or the street heckler in “Treasure” (“I’m going to treat you like a chest full of gold doubloons!”) or the sociopath in “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You,” (“I’m going to trick you into knocking me up!”) — the “Candy Shop” guy actually asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is good for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It’s whatever you’re into

‘Cause consent is sexy!

I ain’t finished teaching you ’bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of “Candy Shop” is certainly … assertive about his desires.

But here’s the key thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She’s clearly into it. And we know this because she says so.

The lines of consent in “Candy Shop” are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky club floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer.

Girl what we do …

And where we do …

The things we do …

Are just between me and you

No matter how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. It will be private. There will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to “Blurred Lines,” to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I’ll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the case of “Candy Shop”) minutes long.

She may have a high sex drive, but dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids just might go the distance after all.

And at the end of the day, what is a relationship but two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

It’s like it’s a race who could get undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an equally great time.

I touch the right spot at the right time

Of course, it wouldn’t be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we’re to take him at his word, “Candy Shop” guy is at least as good at “doing everything right” as the anonymous hitchhiker from “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You” — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The “Candy Shop” guy is a keeper. Because he’s not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He’s a good partner.

“Candy Shop” is raunchy. It’s dirty. It’s not your grandmother’s love song.

But when you strip away the swagger, the back beat, and the weird strings from “Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993,” by the end of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what a healthy relationship is all about?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

So seductive.

This article originally appeared on 12.21.22

One of the great in-arena marketing ideas of the last few decades is the “Brickin’ for Chicken” concept, in which fans of a team get a free Chick-Fil-A sandwich — or, in some markets, a different free food item from a fast food chain — if an opposing player misses both free throws on a trip to the line.

There is nothing people love more than getting free stuff and when someone misses the front end of a pair of free throws there is a buzz in the arena that is, even if just for a few seconds, only rivaled by a close game in the final minute. Fans get on their feet, screaming for the opportunity to get a free sandwich, and the arena absolutely erupts when that second free throw bounces off the rim. The Clippers are among the teams with this promo, and on Sunday afternoon in the final game of the regular season, an old friend came back to deliver free chicken to the Clipper faithful.

Boban Marjanovic, who spent two seasons in L.A. with the Clippers where he was a fan favorite (like every stop of his NBA career), stepped to the free throw line in the fourth quarter and had his first attempt rattle out. As the crowd got loud and people started waving cardboard cutouts of chicken sandwiches, Boban realized what was going on and pointed to the crowd and then to himself to let the people know “I got you” before purposefully clanging his second attempt off the left side of the rim.

Boban then raises his hand triumphantly in the air as the crowd cheered, knowing that even in a meaningless game to both teams (Houston being eliminated from the playoffs and the Clippers locked into the 4-seed already) he could deliver true joy to the people in the form of a free chicken sandwich.

Is there anybody left in Drake’s corner? Ever since Metro Boomin, Future, and Kendrick Lamar dropped “Like That,” it seems like all of his once tight-knit rap relationships have dwindled.

While it is adorable to know that his mother and father firmly stand behind Drake, others such as NAV, Rick Ross, The Weeknd, Asap Rocky, and Ja Morant have all taken shots at him. Hell, following J. Cole’s apology to Lamar, supporters feel that he has even turned his back on Drake.

Following his set at Coachella 2024, fans believe Tyler The Creator has also picked a side. Yesterday (April 13), Tyler opened with an explosive stunt during his set. Viewers at home took to X (formerly Twitter) to rave about the stunt. After the clip went viral, others speculated that Tyler pulled inspiration from Metro Boomin’s 2018 album, Not All Heroes Wear Capes, cover.

Hip-hop editor Aaron Williams stressed the grandiose production in his review. “He shocked fans right at the outset with a high-flying stunt that saw him enter the stage like a human rocket blasting through the side of a camper van,” he wrote. “The move immediately set a tone that he somehow maintained through a procession of guests and a three-act set structure that demonstrated the thought and care he puts into all of his works.”

With Tyler The Recreator trending across the platform, others pointed out that he might have shaded Drake later in the set.

While performing alongside special guests Asap Rocky and Childish Gambino, users online claimed to have heard him say: “You know what’s sick? I used to hate that n****. I don’t know why; I gotta go to therapy to figure it out.”

However, it is unclear who Tyler was referring to. For now, Drake and Tyler’s friendship seems steady.

After the East took center stage in the 1 p.m. ET slate, it was the West’s turn to finish out the 2023-24 NBA regular season in the 3:30 p.m. ET window. Much like the East, there were very few competitive games as the teams at the bottom of the standings were in “1-2-3 Cancun” mode, and even the few battles where teams had seeding to play for, only one side really showed up.

As a result, it became clear by the time the fourth quarter rolled around where each team would end up, and there are some fascinating playoff matchups as a result. The Thunder jumped out to a hysterical 104-49 lead over the Mavs an cruised to a 135-86 win to cement their place atop the West as the 1-seed, thanks to the Timberwolves struggling to get going against the Phoenix Suns. With Denver cruising in Memphis, that sets up a very interesting 3-6 matchup between Phoenix and Minnesota, where the Suns have had the Wolves number of late.

The Nuggets will be the 2-seed in their title defense, and will get the winner of Lakers-Pelicans, as L.A. throttled New Orleans in the final game of the regular season to secure the 8-seed, drop the Pelicans to the 7-seed, and set-up a Play-In game on Tuesday back in New Orleans. The 9-10 Play-In Game will see the Kings host the Warriors for the chance to extend their season, as last year’s first round series becomes a win-or-go-home Play-In game.

Here are the first round Playoff series matchups and Play-In matchups in the West:

NBA Playoffs First Round

1. Oklahoma City Thunder vs. 8. Pelicans/Lakers/Kings/Warriors
2. Denver Nuggets vs. 7. Pelicans/Lakers
3. Minnesota Timberwolves vs. 6. Phoenix Suns
4. Los Angeles Clippers vs. 5. Dallas Mavericks

Play-In Tournament (Tuesday, April 16)
7. New Orleans Pelicans vs. 8. Los Angeles Lakers
9. Sacramento Kings vs. 10. Golden State Warriors

Yesterday, I wrote that Coachella remains an excellent venue for music discovery, as long as you keep an open mind and plan around the acts you really want to see.

However the flip side of that is you will occasionally be forced to make choices. I had to contend with this obstacle more than once on Saturday, choosing between acts of both similar genres (future-of-R&B girls RAYE and Thuy, booked against each other in adjacent, overflowing tents) and ones that ostensibly have little in common (rap&B vanguard Blxst on the Outdoor Theatre stage vs. Sublime’s main stage Coachella debut with Jakob Nowell, the late founder Bradley Nowell’s son). The imperfection solution? To only catch a fraction of each, missing out on the signature hits in some cases.

There were also sets that had to be foregone entirely, like T-Pain’s slammed set at the redesigned Heineken House activation or Billie Eilish’s Billie & Friends set at DoLab. These minor stresses were more frustrating because they were absolutely avoidable. These are the sorts of moments you reserve for the big stages, with counter-programming of equally desirable acts all across the festival to prevent overcrowding, but as third-party activations responsible for their own bookings, they apparently underestimated the response either would have

T-Pain is as hot as he’s ever been, bouncing back from a career nadir that saw him become little more than a novelty act. And Billie Eilish JUST headlined the fest two years ago. Just because she wasn’t technically performing doesn’t mean any mention of her appearing wouldn’t equal a stampede (there is probably a conversation to be had about the very weird need to just share space with celebs, even when they are not doing the things for which they’re best known, but I’m not going to have it here. At least Billie let her fans listen to some brand new material, which hopefully made the intense situation worth it).

But ultimately, these really were minor problems in the grand scheme of things – and decent ones to have, insomuch as that can be true. You WANT excitement at the biggest festivals, and these were certainly moments that generated plenty of it. Likewise, every act my editor and I caught on day two brought exactly the right sort of energy to what will be the brightest spotlight for many of them.

From RAYE employing a 19-piece band to Blxst blowing out his late afternoon set, it seemed everyone was crystal clear that Coachella still constitutes a huge opportunity for any artist’s career, no matter what snarky commentators on Twitter may pretend for the amusement of their followers. Even the Billie & Friends and T-Pain sets, as cramped as they got once the word spread, created the sort of moments Coachella is famous for – and will continue to be famous for, apparently.

Here’s another prediction: Ice Spice will almost certainly headline Coachella in the near future if her trajectory continues. Phil, my editor, joked that going to the Sahara tent from other side of the polo grounds might as well be an actual trek to the Sahara (“pack a bag,” he said), but many braved the journey for Ice’s 8 o’clock set, looking for all the world like a human sandstorm stirred by the blustery desert winds on its way to take in the TikTok phenom. Again, this was despite social chatter that’d suggest that she shouldn’t even have been booked for the tiny Sonora tent (someone should do a study on the sheer bitterness of the remaining denizens of Elon Musk’s latest money suck).

The people danced. They rapped. Every word. Her mic was ON. She had immaculate breath control. Her set design, consisting of inflatable subway trains and a giant Ice Spice head, built a world. She is what hip-hop has needed all this time. Stop hating.

Speaking of mics being on, Gwen Stefani ‘s mic certainly was during her reunion with No Doubt, a moment she divulged she thought would “never happen.” Whether or not they actually thought that their reunion was truly an impossibility, they showed no signs of rust, providing the near-universal draw that brought the same (presumed) Sublime millennials together with the (presumed) Billie Eilish zoomers in an astonishing assemblage that didn’t have any competition for either – unless you count Coi Leray, who proved more than up to the challenge as she played the Mojave tent opposite the genre-bending Gen X rockers.

Another rapper I was surprised to discover in that time slot was multicultural lyricist Saint Levant. Hailing from Jerusalem, the Palestinian-Algerian rapper came correct with a set that drew from his multiple heritages (he’s also French and Serbian) and included a timely call for peace in Gaza. It’s actually a shame that such an important moment was confined to one of the smaller tents, Gobi, and played against the splashier appearance of No Doubt. There are several poignant metaphors there.

Again, I dipped out on an engaging and fascinating performance full of cultural set pieces and thoughtful statements to check out another artist. While Coi’s set was less politically timely, its energy was impressive. Coi’s choreo was on point, her conditioning was honestly jaw-dropping, and despite the obvious differences between them, she could have given Ice Spice a run for her money when she showed the crowd her twerking skills.

As Saturday’s headliner, Tyler The Creator didn’t really have any other acts to contend with, but if he had, he made sure that he would have stolen the show. He shocked fans right at the outset with a high-flying stunt that saw him enter the stage like a human rocket blasting through the side of a camper van. The move immediately set a tone that he somehow maintained through a procession of guests (ASAP Rocky, Charlie Wilson, Donald Glover, and Kali Uchis all joined him onstage to perform their collaborations with him) and a three-act set structure that demonstrated the thought and care he puts into all of his works. From playing the hits to reminding the nostalgic zoomers of his wild Odd Future days with a mini-set of classics in the middle, Tyler showed what a headliner is supposed to be. I hope the whole world takes notes — and that anyone who puts that much care into their Coachella set actually gets the room to be seen.

It has been about four years since Donald Glover last released music as Childish Gambino, but he’s making his return in typically splashy fashion. After joining Tyler The Creator onstage during his headlining set at Coachella and performing “Time” from his last album 3.15.20, Glover returned to Twitter (never X) to announce his GILGA Radio livestream on Instagram. When a fan replied to inquire about new music, Glover cheekily responded, “Of course. It’s a rollout, dummy.”

Glover first teased his return to music earlier this year. In March, he shared a screenshot of what appeared to be a tracklist for a new album called Atavista on Instagram — the first indication of new music since he reversed course on his decision to retire the Childish Gambino persona in 2020. In a 2023 interview with Complex, he joked that Tyler The Creator had encouraged him to be less “cryptic” about his endeavors. ” I just like suspense, I guess,” he explained. “I think it makes stuff better. But that’s just me.”

In 2023, Glover told E! News, “I’m making music right now, I love it. I’m actually working, I’m in the studio. I’ve been bringing people in, like secret people, working on little things. But I just been, you know, making it for fun right now. But soon something will happen, I promise. Something will happen.” It looks like that something is happening very soon.

Drake’s ongoing war of words with nearly half of rap has reached a new level of petty. Some would even consider it a full-on family affair.

Yesterday (April 13), Rick Ross released his recorded response to his past collaborator’s subtle jabs. At the end of “Champagne Moments,” Ross claimed Drake underwent a cosmetic procedure. This isn’t the first time Drake has been accused of going under the knife (hi, Megan Thee Stallion). Instead of abdominal etching or liposuction, Ross alleged that Drake “got his nose done” or rhinoplasty on the track.

So, Drake took to his Instagram stories to clap back at Ross with the help of his mother, Sandi. In a text message exchange with Mommy dearest, the pair laughed at the suggestion. When asked by his mother if there was any validation to the rumor, Drake replied: “It’s coming from the guy I did songs with. He’s gone loopy off the Mounjaro. He hasn’t eaten in days, and it’s turned him angry and racist.”

To ensure Ross saw the thread, Drake tagged him in the post. “You’re one nosey goof,” he wrote.

Given that Ross also mentioned Drake’s father, Dennis, a fiery message from Pop should be coming.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Artist Haley Morris-Cafiero describes herself on her website as “part performer, part artist, part provocateur, part spectator.” Her recent project, titled “Wait Watchers” has elements of all her self-descriptors.

In an email to us, Morris-Cafiero explained that she set up a camera in the street and stood in front of it, doing mundane activities like looking at a map or eating gelato. While she’s standing there she sets off her camera, taking hundreds of photos.

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Later, she looks through them and sees what is happening around her. Morris-Cafiero finds that people are often looking at her body, or commenting on it with their gaze or body language, at times even appearing to mock her.

“I then examine the images to see if any of the passersby had a critical or questioning element in their face or body language.”

“I consider my photographs a social experiment and I reverse the gaze back on to the stranger and place the viewer in the position of being a witness to a moment in time. The project is a performative form of street photography,” she writes.

Her work has been exhibited across the U.S. and abroad.

She also published her book, The Watchers, which shows her photo collection and includes comments made to her about her body from passerby.

You can see that even people in positions of authority, like this police officer, feel comfortable mocking her just for being out in public.

Though she’s not looking at the people around her, Morris-Cafiero’s photographs capture a split second in time that really crystalizes how people relate to one another on the street and the judgment she receives from strangers.

In galleries, with the words beside them, the photos are even more pointed. She also includes the positive words she receives from people who have experienced discrimination for their size or any other aspect to their body that is consistently bothered by the dominant culture.

Though we all theoretically know that people, women in particular, are discriminated against for their size, seeing it captured in photographs is gut-wrenching:

The project has gone viral as people identify with Morris-Cafiero’s experience, which means a lot of people relate to being stared at and commented on by folks who should mind their own business. Does that include you? You can check out more of her incredible work here.

This article originally appeared on 11.28.22

Pets are wonderful, loving, innocent creatures that add so much pure joy into our lives.

They also have an unruly penchant for eating things they shouldn’t be eating, find heinously bad places to go potty and are weapons of mass destruction when it comes to shoes, fragile knickknacks and furniture. If you’ve had a pet, then you have at least one story involving one of these sins, if not all three.

No matter how egregious the act, it’s pretty hard to stay mad. After all, much of the time animal misbehavior is merely a natural reaction to stress or boredom. Plus, one look at their sweet little faces is all it takes for anger to be subdued. Most of the time.

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A Reddit user recently asked pet owners, “What’s the worst thing your pet has ever done?” and boy, some critters really know to act out. Whether its fur babies or feathered friends or scaly companions, pets are capable of some truly horrific-slash-hilarious antics. We love them anyway, of course.

Below are 22 of the best responses from traumatized pet owners. And though their stories don’t necessarily paint the best picture of their beastly bestie, it’s certainly an amusing read, if not an all-too-relatable one.

1.

“My dog dug up my neighbors cable line on Super Bowl Sunday when they had a big crowd coming over.” -@Living_Departure_265

2.

“My parrot has learnt to swear and will not stop. The weirdest thing is that I don’t even know how he learnt to swear. Maybe he overheard the neighbors or something.” -@Pizza-pen

3.

“As a kitten, she managed to get hold of, and tear to pieces, a dried flower my mother took from my grandmother’s funeral as a keepsake. Literally irreplaceable.” -@Catstrudle

4.

“My dog, then teething, chewed through and broke the beanbag chair he used to sleep on; which was filled with styrofoam pellets, each about 3mm dia. Tens of thousands of them. There is no effective way of picking them up due to their attraction to static and propensity to fly at the slightest change in the wind. The vacuum cleaner just pushed around more than it picked up. It took ~3 hours to clean up. We were finding pellets for years in random places.” -@Darthfloyd

5.

“I used to have this ball python. I wake up one morning and take him out of his cage because he’s looking restless. I throw him on my bed and lay back down. He’d often crawl on me and curl up for warmth. On this particular occasion he came sniffing around my face right as I yawned. When I did, a small tear came out of my eye, which he licked. A second later he latched onto my eyebrow like it was some furry little rodent. I sat right up, holding the four foot snake straight off my face. He let go after a few seconds and we didn’t talk for the rest of the day. Left two bloody holes right on my eyebrow. Jerk.” -@Stevel-Knievel

6.

“Baxter once pooped in the refrigerator and ate an entire wheel of cheese. I wasn’t even mad, it was amazing.” -@ryclarky

7.

“My boxer knocked over a statue of the Virgin Mary. Her head broke off, and my dog was running around with the head.” – @Motherinlawdouche

8.

“As I lay down for a much needed nap the other day, I heard a crash in the living room go out to check what fresh hell…my Calico had climbed a desk and knocked over a small shelf containing a case of small silver thumbtacks alllllllll over my living room. I made it about 5 steps in before I realized I was surrounded by tacks.” -@slumvillain

9.

“I filled a cup to the brim with fruit punch and walked away to put the bottle back into the fridge. When I turned back around I saw my blind cat standing on the dining room table feeling the cup with his paw…he winds up and swats it off the table. Got fruit punch everywhere.” -@colethefatcat

10.

“Back in 2014, my parents owned this vase that had been passed down 4 generations to the youngest in the family. It sat on top of the cabinets, like higher than the refrigerator. Our family went on a 4 day vacation to Disney World and had our neighbor feed our 2 cats. On the 2nd day of our vacation, my father gets a text saying that our vase shattered on the floor and both our cats were next to where it once sat. We believe our cats were able to jump up there with the help up [by] climbing on our air fryer we left on the counter.” -@mittiens

11.

“We bought our first house and the first time we left our dog alone he ate through the trim surrounding all the doors, the drywall behind it, and almost through the exterior. Needless to say I wasn’t pleased.” -@Fuzzy-Ad5756

12.

“I’m a caffeine addict and I admit it. I start out every day with an energy drink and pop Diet Mountain Dew all day. In college I was very, very broke and at one point was down to about 14 ounces left in a 2 liter of Mtn Dew poured into a cup. My cat came to check out what I had, sniffed at it and I guess the popping bubbles tickled her nose and she sneezed directly onto the surface of it.”-@LatterTowel9403

13.

“Got a new dog and wanted them to be happy and acclimated to a new home. Gave them a pig ear to chew on (already a fairly disgusting treat) and they happily take it. A short time later, where did the dog go? On my bed, chomping away on the pig ear, with a large pile of drool and pig ear bits, now quite possibly a permanent part of my sheets. Not the way I wanted to start off a relationship with a new dog. Silver lining, my sheets smelled like bacon for a while even after washing them!” -@ItsGotHeart

14.

“My beta killed 3 fish in a week.” -@Tox1cShark7

15.

“My dog was still a puppy and has never seen a baby bird. One night I was taking her for a walk and there was a baby bird on the ground. It was chirping and it really caught her attention (probably cause it sounded like her squeaky toys). I started reaching for the bird so I could try and put it back in its nest but my dog jumped towards the bird. I just heard a loud squeak and silence. My dog’s expression changed when she realized what she had done. The rest of the night she was not herself, I’m sure she felt really bad.” -@justanotherperson218

16.

“He (dog) broke my mother’s nose with his big head by jumping around too excitedly.” -@mortokes

17.

“A few nights ago, in the middle of the night, my monster cat brought in a live pigeon through the cat door and released it in the living room. Feathers EVERYWHERE.” -@effieokay

18.

“I have a roomba. I set it to clean at 7:30 AM every morning… because I am always out the door for work by then, and my dog has just been walked. One morning, apparently, the 7 AM walk was not enough, and my dog shit on the floor. Then, like a good little robot, my roomba took off. I came home to poo circles all over my carpet and a dead roomba.

TL;DR–My dog teamed up with a robot to create an abstract art piece made out of feces.” -@SleepsontheGround

19.

“Whilst walking my friend’s dalmation, Stripey, one summer’s day in a park filled with happy picnickers and laughing children, she spotted a birthday party. A river separated the party from us and, underestimating her love of food, I kept her off the [leash]. I’m not sure how she even saw the birthday cake wrapped in tinfoil but she leaped into the river before I could stop her. She tore apart the tinfoil like a savage and devoured the cake before quickly moving on to the BBQ where she managed to eat every sausage, burger and chicken leg she could see whilst the birthday boy watched in terror. I stood awkwardly on the other side of the water, shouting her name and apologizing profusely but she only listened when she’d decided her meal was over after which she swam calmly back over the water and pranced into the distance whilst the entire family stared me down. I am sorry, birthday boy, I hope your day wasn’t too badly ruined.” -@Tanyabee

20.

“One time I was running to the basement to grab an ingredient I had forgotten to add to dinner. Like an idiot, I kept the burner and hot pan going because I figured that running to the fridge in the basement would only take a minute. Instead, I tripped over my dog before reaching the first step and tumbled down into the basement. I stared up to see my dog looking down and smiling as I scrambled frantically to run back upstairs before my stupid dinner set the entire house on fire.” – [deleted]

21.

“Maybe not ‘worst’ for me, but definitely for my mom. She pissed off the cat… kicking her out of the bedroom before bed because she hates animals sleeping on her bed or next to her…Apparently in the morning, she was running late for work. Rushed to put on her shoes and found vomit in one of them. Out of all her shoes, and of all the times in the day, the cat had decided to revenge-puke in the ones she wears to work almost every day.” -@badguywindow

22.

“My 55lb dog ate an entire tray of pot brownies.” -@karmavorous

This article originally appeared on 8.9.22

Ever stop to think how bizarre it is that the United States is one of the only countries to not use the metric system? Or how it uses the word “football” to describe a sport that, unlike fútbol, barely uses the feet at all?

What must our forefathers have been thinking as they were creating this brave new world?

Wonder no further. All this and more is explored in a recent Saturday Night Live sketch that folks are hailing as an “instant classic.”

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The hilarious clip takes place during the American Revolution, where George Washington rallies his troops with an impassioned speech about his future hopes for their fledgling country…all the while poking fun at America’s nonsensical measurements and language rules.

Like seriously, liters and milliliters for soda, wine and alcohol but gallons, pints, and quarters for milk and paint? And no “u” after “o” in words like “armor” and “color” but “glamour” is okay?

The inherent humor in the scene is only amplified by comedian and host Nate Bargatze’s understated, deadpan delivery of Washington. Bargatze had quite a few hits during his hosting stint—including an opening monologue that acted as a mini comedy set—but this performance takes the cake.

Watch:

All in all, people have been applauding the sketch, noting that it harkened back to what “SNL” does best, having fun with the simple things.

Here’s what folks are saying:

“This skit is an instant classic. I think people will be referencing it as one of the all time best SNL skits for years.”

“Dear SNL, whoever wrote this sketch, PLEASE let them write many many MANY more!”

“Instantly one of my favorite SNL sketches of all time!!!”

“I’m not lying when I say I have watched this sketch about 10 times and laughed just as hard every time.”

“This may be my favorite sketch ever. This is absolutely brilliant.”

There’s more where that came from. Catch even more of Bargatze’s “SNL” episode here.

This article originally appeared on 10.30.23