Donald Trump became the first former American president to be convicted of felony crimes on Thursday as a New York jury found him guilty of all 34 charges of falsifying business records to cover up a payment to adult film star Stormy Daniels ahead of the 2016 election. Congrats, Don! Most of the late-night hosts are off this week, so they weren’t able to comment on the verdict, with one exception: Jimmy Kimmel.
“Seven weeks of sleep farting, all down the drain, all for nothing,” he said on Jimmy Kimmel Live. “You do have to hand it to him, no president has ever been convicted more than Donald Trump. How long before he starts bragging about this? Maybe he isn’t Teflon, maybe he’s one of those sticky traps for rats. We don’t know. Maybe he’s a wet pocket full of gummy worms.”
Now the big question is: how will Trump be punished? His sentencing date is July 11, “which happens to be the day Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton and it’s the day El Chapo escaped from prison, but this is not El Chapo. This Pork Chapo we’re talking about,” Kimmel joked. Maybe he’ll get house arrest? “Oh man, for Melania, that is a double whammy with cheese is what that is,” he said. But Kimmel’s “vote” for sentencing is making Trump pick up trash: “That is a beautiful image. Imagine Trump with a Hefty bag, picking up ketchup packets with one of those grabber pole things. A big truck goes by, blows that cotton candy hair flap to the other side of his head.”
The only family member who was with Trump when the verdict was read was Eric, who tweeted, “May 30th, 2024 might be remembered as the day Donald J. Trump won the 2024 Presidential Election” against Joe Biden. Or, as Kimmel cracked, “it’ll be remembered as the day a jury in New York spanked your dad even harder than Stormy did with that Forbes magazine.”
You can watch the monologue above.