Westeros’ family of silver-haired incestuous little freaks are back at it again, cooking up chaos instead of resolving their generational trauma and prioritizing their vitamin D intake. In House of the Dragon’s third episode, the Targaryens in the Red Keep plan for battle while the ones at Dragonstone mull the idea of peace. (It’s probably a couple of failed assassination attempts and two too many dead children too late, but that’s for them to figure out.) While everyone plots, Daemon gets shit done, and by that we mean he takes a vacation to the countryside and checks into an AirBnB rental he didn’t do enough research on before hand.
Everyone’s dumb, no one is prepared for war and that’s why this week’s leaderboard is in such disarray. Here’s where everyone ranks.
Rhaenys Targaryen
If we’re tracking the true origins of this war of dragons, it didn’t start with a decapitated kid or Vhagar’s mid-storm snack, it began way back when Rhaenys was passed over in the line of succession for the unforgivable crime of … having a uterus, we guess? All the shade to Viserys because Rhaenys is a fount of wisdom, a pillar of strength, a saintly example of restraint – all the kingly qualities the former ruler’s sperm donation lacks. She’ll never sit on the throne herself, but she’s putting in the work of guiding Rhaenyra to a peace negotiation and side-eyeing the fragile masculinity sitting around her queen’s council table.
Larys Strong
Larys quietly earned himself a promotion by serving up the most lukewarm of tea, stirring up drama and pouring it into Aegon’s paranoid bird brain. The Red Keep’s resident Gossip Girl is thriving this season.
Rhaenyra Targaryen
Rhaenyra Targaryen has lost two children, separated from her husband, sent three more of her kids off to Pentos, and survived an assassination attempt, all within the span of a few days. Why is this woman not burning all of Westeros to the ground yet? Instead, she’s keeping her composure and coming up with truly absurd (though, well-meaning) schemes to broker peace with her biggest frenemy. We’d rather see all that green burned to ash, but if hearing that her father really did support her claim, even at his opium-fueled end, will steel her stomach to all the bloodshed she’s about to cause, well, the nun habit was kind of worth it.
Alicent Hightower
The time for sad baths is over, Alicent Hightower is making moves. She invited her brother to court, immediately setting his annoying ass on her paramour once she realized Criston Cole was getting a bit too big for his chastity sworn britches. She’s doing her best to wrangle a council of bickering old men while her bloodthirsty sons concoct the dumbest of battle plans that basically amount to “ride dragon, burn stuff.” And she’s doing a bit of mothering with Helaena, which is a fairly new development for her. She’s still sweating like a whore in church because of all those candles she’s been lighting, but she hasn’t been sent packing to Oldtown like her dad, so that’s something.
Baela Targaryen
Baela Targaryen is a baddie. She’s got a dragon, a head of hair that belongs in a TRESemme commercial, she’s betrothed to the hottest Baratheon in Westeros, and she almost burnt Criston Cole to a crisp. Sorry to Rhaena but we know which sister we’d rather be BFFs with.
Daemon Targaryen
On the one hand, Daemon did make it Harrenhal, a trip he’s been dying to make all season. On the other, that dilapidated castle is likely some kind of portal to hell, haunted by ghosts and home to at least one witch. Plus, he can’t even enjoy his peas without worrying they might be poisoned. This whole raising an army racket isn’t as glorious as the maesters make it out to be.
Criston Cole
A shitty haircut, a girlfriend eager to kick him out of her house, and another Hightower intent on making his life hell. Karma is real and it’s finally coming for Criston Cole.
Mysaria
Mysaria could’ve traded the good will earned after saving Rhaenyra’s life for a bit more gold and safe passage out of Westeros. Instead, she negotiated a spot at the queen’s table, intent on getting revenge against the Hightowers. Not the choice we would’ve made, but it’s better than a dungeon.
Aegon Targaryen
No man should know so much about his brother’s sex life. No king should be out drinking at a tavern in Flea Bottom with the goal of getting his squire laid. These shenanigans are going to ruin the world tour, Aegon.
Aemond Targaryen
Aemond’s a coiled snake, just waiting to strike this season. He might feel guilty over killing his cousin, so guilty that he roleplays as a naked baby with a brothel madame every night, but he’s also hungry. For respect. For power. For a chance to prove his enemies should fear him. We can only assume he’s got a list longer than Arya Stark’s running through his head at the moment, but when he’ll act on it is anyone’s guess.
Corlys Velaryon
Bad mouthing your grandkids and polishing your little ship while your wife tries to prepare for war and keep you swimming in hot soup? Corlys Velaryon, you married up bro. Start acting like it.