House of the Dragon’s sixth episode is, as Marie Kondo would say, “mess.” One big gay mess. Luckily, this mess sparks joy, so you won’t find us complaining when two sexually frustrated women release a bit of tension while plotting a rebellion. Or when a spooky witch torments a deadbeat dad having the most poorly-timed mid-life crisis we’ve ever seen. Or when the realm’s biggest drama queen does a bit of workplace restructuring that leaves his own mother unemployed and his brother bedridden.
No, this is the kind of mess we don’t feel the need to clean up, but rather marvel at before wondering exactly how this season is going to wrap things up with only two episodes left. Here’s where everyone stands on HoTD’s leaderboard this week.
Mysaria
Just call her “Missus Steal Your Girl” because, while Mysaria seems committed to seeing Rhaenyra grace the Iron Throne, the woman clearly has other ideas of where the Realm’s Delight could sit. (Her face, you guys. We’re making Sapphic allusions here.) The pair have been getting cozy while plotting the downfall of their shared enemy, the Hightowers, for multiple episodes now and all that subterfuge and political machination has hornt up these warmongering baddies. Naturally, a bit of tongue-tango-ing is in order, but Mysaria proves she’s not just the queen’s newest side chick, she’s an expert strategist capable of weaponizing the hunger pains of a city for her ruler’s cause. Her tavern plants and gossip girl minions do their job well, spreading rumors of feasts at the Red Keep while the peasants are left to survive on fish scraps and she makes good on the manufactured outrage by organizing aid drops under Rhaenyra’s banner. It’s the most clear cut win Team Black has enjoyed all war and it came, not from the back of a dragon, but the mind of a determined woman who’s been underestimated her entire life.
Addam Velaryon
For a man who spent most of the episode whining that his deadbeat dad favored his brother, Addam Velaryon was a little too quick to flee in terror from a dragon who simply wanted to be his friend. You’re digging for clams and knotting ropes all day, bruh, maybe you should be a bit more open to the mystical opportunities around you. That said, it certainly looks like Seasmoke has chosen his new rider – our condolences to Ser Steffon Darklyn, who served as his own funeral pyre this week.
Rhaenyra Targaryen
Rhaenyra Targaryen is in her Brat Girl Summer era, backhanding the chauvinistic grandpas at her war council and feeding her Kingsguard to the flames of her first husband’s cranky old dragon. She might not know the scientific terminology for the handle thingy of a sword, or even how to properly wield one, but she’s learning to make the men around her quake in fear despite this. And she’s scored herself a friend-with-benefits who’s helping her forget all about her waste of space uncle-husband and while giving her a crash course in Machiavellian mind games. It feels really good to finally say this: Rhaenyra Targaryen is winning.
Alys Rivers
This week on “What in the hell is that Goth-girl getting up to at Harrenhal,” everyone’s favorite human barn owl is leading Daemon on a merry chase for his sanity and (maybe) orchestrating the deaths of key Riverlords. After all, it is Alys who stays Daemon’s hand this week, advising him to wait a few days before flying out to forcibly bring the Riverlands tribes to their knees. When he heeds her warning, he’s rewarded with the death of old Grover Tully, the liege lord who couldn’t control his bowel movements just a few episodes prior. With a child in his stead, Daemon will be able to manipulate House Tully into doing his bidding, meaning we might just see him leave the castle grounds before the season is through. But does Alys want that? Who knows? She seems to be having a grand ol’ time haunting his dreams and poisoning his peas. We just know she’d love the 1996 cult classic, The Craft if times were different.
Aemond Targaryen
The Red Keep’s resident homicidal twink is living out a DMX song, losing his mind and acting a fool at the absolute worst time. His bright idea to treat with the Triarchy in order to thwart the Sea Snake’s blockade is met with a healthy dose of skepticism by his advisors and old one-eye is not a fan of constructive criticism. He lashes out by threatening his Lannister allies, sending his best fighter (and a few thousand men) to certain death, and firing his own mother from the only fulfilling job she’s ever had. (That includes raising him and his siblings.) But that’s just his professional life, his personal life is imploding too, especially when Aegon begins to regain consciousness putting all of his carefully-laid, quickly-screwed-up plans in jeopardy. Instead of handling things subtly, Aemond goes full Kathy Bates on his brother’s incapacitated, decomposing ass. We’re all for soaking in the moment, but when your power-trip blinds you to the uprising happening right outside your gates, it might be time to step back and reflect.
Larys Strong
Larys Strong has traded ogling Alicent’s feet for playing nursemaid to her rotting corpse of a son. It’s not an improvement, but it is his only option considering Aemond is too shrewd to manipulate and Aegon’s mind is too addled to object. If his plan is to Weekend At Bernie’s his way to the throne, he’s got some work to do.
Criston Cole
Ser Criston Cole is basically sentenced to death this episode so, you know, maybe God is real?
Daemon Targaryen
The good news? Daemon doesn’t dreamfuck his mother this week. Instead, his nightmares feature his brother, Viserys, at his absolute lowest, when his wife and child died on the same day and Daemon was nowhere to be found. It’s clear this particular screw-up still haunts the throne-thirsty Targaryen, but at least he’s able to find some type of closure before Simon Strong gives him a jarring reality check. Speaking of, the bad news for Daemon this week is that he’s still at Harrenhal, he’s still being controlled by a malevolent witch, and he still isn’t answering his wife’s ravens. We know men find it difficult to apologize sometimes, but this is getting ridiculous.
Aegon Targaryen
Aegon is conscious again, which is a new development we can’t help but think Aegon is not happy about. If the drugs are wearing off it means the peeling skin and oozing sores, the scabbed-over eye and crushed leg, the internal bleeding and exposed foot sitting right next to Lary Strong… he’s too aware of all of it now. He’s also aware that his younger brother wants him dead and he’s pretty committed to seeing that life goal realized.
Alicent Hightower
Alicent has officially reached the “fuck around and find out” stage of this little story. She’s spent her life playing by the rules of men intent on keeping women shackled to archaic gender roles. She’s benefited from her complicity, wielding her femininity when it suited her, judging others who would do the same. She’s played stupid games and now she’s winning stupid prizes – the main one being a demotion from her seat on the council courtesy of her tyrannical manchild. (Not the slab of burnt bacon, the other one, with the mommy issues and the missing eye.) She’s been robbed of what little power she possessed, relegated to the same “domestic pursuits” she would condemn others to, and left to wonder if this entire mess – the fracturing of House Targaryen, the civil war in Westeros, the rioting smallfolk, the death of dragons, the emotionally stunted men positioned to rule – is all her fault. To that, we offer this wise council: Uh, yeah, you messed up girl.