It’s said that everyone dies twice. The first is your physical death, the second is the last time anyone utters your name.
Sybil Marie Hicks, from Baysville, Ontario, died on February 2, at the age of 81, but it’ll be a long time before her name is forgotten. Her children have turned her into a posthumous celebrity after writing a hilarious first-person obituary for her that was published in The Hamilton Spectator on February 5, 2019.
According to her daughter, it was fitting tribute.
“Mom was never boring,” Hicks’ daughter, Barb Drummond, told Yahoo Lifestyle. “Mom lived large. She would do anything for anyone. It was rare for Mom not to have a smile on her face. Mom was always ready for a laugh.”
The last word. Obit in todayu2019s @TheSpec u201cI finally have the smoking hot body I have always wanted…having been cremated.u201dpic.twitter.com/YQFOjRJjL8
The obituary begins with a shot at her husband, Ron. “It hurts me to admit it, but I, Mrs. Ron Hicks from Baysville, have passed away,” they wrote. “I leave behind my loving husband, Ron Hicks, whom I often affectionately referred to as a ‘Horse’s Ass.'”
She then goes on to roast her own children.
“I also left behind my children whom I tolerated over the years; Bob (with Carol) my oldest son and also my favourite. Brian (with Ginette) who was the Oreo cookie favourite, Brenda AKA ‘Hazel’ who would run to clean the bathrooms when she heard company was coming,” they continued. “Barbara (with Gordon) the ever Miss Perfect and finally Baby Bruce who wouldn’t eat homemade turkey soup because he didn’t want to be alert looking for bones while he ate.”
The piece ends with a great zinger and a bit of a mystery: “I finally have the smoking hot body I have always wanted… having been cremated. Please come say goodbye and celebrate my wonderful life with my husband and his special friend Dorothy who is now lovingly taking care of my horse’s ass.”
Did her husband have a side piece or are they talking about the dog?
The viral obituary has done more than just spread a few much needed laughs across the world, it’s helped the family heal after Hicks’ long battle with Alzheimer’s disease. The disorder may have stolen Hicks’ quick wit sharp tongue; but, in a way, the obituary, has given voice to a woman who was long silenced.
“We wanted to do something that kind of celebrated who she was and to give us an opportunity to basically have one last conversation with her, and have some laughs at the same time,” he said.
The Hicks family hopes that those who are moved by their mother’s story will consider donating to their local Alzheimer’s charity.
Dr. Frances Oldham Kelsey had only been with the Food and Drug Administration for about a month when she was tasked with reviewing a drug named thalidomide for distribution in America.
Marketed as a sedative for pregnant women, thalidomide was already available in Canada, Germany, and several African countries.
It could have been a very simple approval. But for Kelsey, something didn’t sit right. There were no tests showing thalidomide was safe for human use, particularly during pregnancy.
When Chemie Grünenthal released thalidomide in West Germany years earlier, they called it a “wonder drug” for pregnant women. They promised it would treat anxiety, insomnia, tension, and morning sickness and help pregnant women sleep.
What they didn’t advertise were its side effects.
Because it crosses the placental barrier between fetus and mother, thalidomide causes devastating — often fatal — physical defects. During the five years it was on the market, an estimated 10,000 babies globally were born with thalidomide-caused defects. Only about 60% lived past their first birthday.
In 1961, the health effects of thalidomide weren’t well-known. Only a few studies in the U.K. and Germany were starting to connect the dots between babies born with physical defects and the medication their mothers had taken while pregnant.
At the outset, that wasn’t what concerned Kelsey. She’d looked at the testimonials in the submission and found them “too glowing for the support in the way of clinical back up.” She pressed the American manufacturer, Cincinnati’s William S. Merrell Company, to share research on how their drug affected human patients. They refused. Instead, they complained to her superiors for holding up the approval. Still, she refused to back down.
A sample pack of thalidomide sent to doctors in the U.K. While more than 10,000 babies worldwide were born with thalidomide-related birth defects, FDA historian John Swann credits Dr. Kelsey with limiting the number of American babies affected to just 17.
Over the next year, the manufacturer would resubmit its application to sell thalidomide six times. Each time, Kelsey asked for more research. Each time, they refused.
By 1961, thousands of mothers were giving birth to babies with shocking and heartbreaking birth defects. Taking thalidomide early in their pregnancy was the one thing connecting them. The drug was quickly pulled from shelves, vanishing mostly by 1962.
Through dogged persistence, Kelsey and her team had prevented a national tragedy.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy honored Kelsey with the Federal Civilian Service Medal. He thanked her for her exceptional judgment and for preventing a major tragedy of birth deformities in the United States:
“I know that we are all most indebted to Dr. Kelsey. The relationship and the hopes that all of us have for our children, I think, indicate to Dr. Kelsey, I am sure, how important her work is and those who labor with her to protect our families. So, Doctor, I know you know how much the country appreciates what you have done.”
But, she wasn’t done yet. Later that year, the FDA approved new, tougher regulations for companies seeking drug approval, inspired in large part by Kelsey’s work on thalidomide.
Reached via email, FDA historian John Swann said this about Kelsey’s legacy: “[Her] actions also made abundantly clear to the nation the important public health role that drug regulation and FDA itself play in public health. The revelation of the global experience with that drug and America’s close call indeed provided impetus to secure passage of a comprehensive drug regulation bill that had been more or less floundering during the time FDA was considering the application.”
Kelsey continued to work for the FDA until 2005. She died in 2015, aged 101, just days after receiving the Order of Canada for her work on thalidomide.
Bureaucratic approval work is rarely thrilling and not often celebrated. That’s a shame because it’s so critical.
People like Kelsey, who place public health and safety above all else — including their career — deserve every ounce of our collective respect and admiration.
Whether on his It Is What It Is podcast with friend and co-host Mase or on wax, Cam’ron is known to ruffle a few feathers. Yesterday (July 4), the “What You Did” showed way.
In a video uploaded to his personal Instagram page, to celebrate Independence Day, Cam’ron decided to dress up as the late O.J. Simpson.
“OJ was here,” he wrote. “Happy Independence Day! This ain’t really our holiday… But it feels good not to have to answer to nobody!”
To the outside looking in, it may seem odd, but the pair have a relationship well before Simpson’s passing. For weeks before his death, Simpson would appear on his podcast to share his thoughts on trending sports topics, so during a taping, Cam’ron passed respect to the former football player.
“I used to go f*ck with O.J. off the show, when there wasn’t no show,” he said. “I’d go to the bar and meet him, we’d go to lunch. And people where we stay at loved O. They really, really loved O.J.. I just want to say it was great working with O.J., he’ll truly be missed. And I love him like a real, real uncle, man. So I’m really sorry this happened. But at the end of the day, I’m glad that we did get to spend the last few months with him, at least one day out the week for me, minimum.”
Cam’ron and Mase react to O.J. Simpson’s death, and Cam’ron says he loved O.J. Simpson like a real uncle.
We are just about a week into the start of the 2024-25 NBA season, and we have already seen most of the big expected moves of the summer take place. Most of the big contract extensions have been agreed to, the top free agents have signed, and a handful of impactful trades have shaken up the NBA landscape.
There are still some potential trades lingering that could shuffle the pecking order and some free agents still waiting to find a home, but for the most part we have an idea of how teams rosters will look next fall. Here, we wanted to take stock of who has had the best and worst starts to the new league year, with the understanding that there’s still time for some of the teams in the Losers category to turn their fortunes around — for example, the Warriors were in that category in an early draft before a flurry of moves brought in Kyle Anderson and Buddy Hield to help fill the void left by Klay Thompson.
WINNERS
Oklahoma City Thunder
The Thunder have had a terrific summer so far, as they’ve kept almost their entire main rotation from last year’s 1-seed intact while upgrading their biggest player weakness (trading Josh Giddey for Alex Caruso) and addressing their biggest need (signing Isaiah Hartenstein). The Thunder are clearly still looking to take their time with a young roster, but after failing to make any real upgrades at last year’s trade deadline (Gordon Hayward ended up being a non-factor), they went out and got two veterans that fill important needs and fit their overall identity.
With Giddey getting played off the floor, they had to upgrade that spot with someone that can be a 16-game player, and seem to have done that with Caruso, who also adds another elite perimeter defender to the rotation. Inside, they were desperate to land a big time center who could help them on the glass, but needed to find a guy who could run the floor, play defense at a high level, and play in space when absolutely needed. Hartenstein fits the bill, and coupled with what the Thunder hope will be continued strides from their young key contributors, Oklahoma City looks like a formidable squad in the West once again. On top of their own work, they also have seen most of the West’s top teams from a year ago stagnate or get a little worse, which doesn’t help their cause.
New York Knicks
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I had a feeling the Knicks would try to take a swing this summer, but wasn’t expecting them to successfully land Mikal Bridges considering it had been 40 years since the Knicks and Nets made a trade. However, five first round picks will get you pretty far in any negotiation, and they bring in a tremendous wing upgrade to bolster their hopes of challenging Boston next year. On top of acquiring Bridges, they were able to re-sign OG Anunoby to a big contract and now have one of the best wing rotations in the NBA. The only thing that kept this from being a perfect summer for New York was seeing Hartenstein leave for OKC, as they still need to get a backup for Mitchell Robinson. With Robinson’s injury history, they probably don’t want to roll with just Jericho Sims and small-ball lineups as their options beyond him, and that’s certainly the biggest area of concern in New York going into the season. Still, with the top-end talent on the roster, this should be the best Knicks team since the 90s, and they may be a legit threat in the East.
Orlando Magic
Some thought Orlando would take some really big swings this summer, but I actually think their approach has been smart. They went out and addressed their biggest need by signing Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, adding the kind of veteran presence and three-point shooting threat the desperately needed, without sacrificing on the defensive end. Beyond that, they’ve brought the band back together from last season, but have done so without overpaying anyone (as often happens to teams that make a surprising leap). Their frontcourt is once again very crowded after re-signing Goga Bitadze and Moe Wagner, while inking Jonathan Isaac to a 5-year, $84 million extension, and they even brought back Gary Harris for backcourt depth.
However, the key is they are now all on extremely movable deals. Bitadze, Wagner, and Harris make $7.5-$11 million each annually on two or three year deals, while Isaac’s extension could prove extremely valuable if he stays healthy (a huge if) and plays defense like he did at the end of last season. None of those moves stop the Magic from making another swing later, if they want to, and if anything they make it easier to make moves next summer. What Orlando has done is fill their biggest need and give themselves a chance to evaluate their young core for one more season to see how their internal development plan goes, while providing a ton of flexibility for combining contracts to trade for a player at any price point (without losing all their depth). The Thunder and Timberwolves showed how patience can pay off in a big way last year, and the Magic managed to follow that kind of plan without having to overpay anyone to stick around. That’s good work, and now they can get a true sense of where they fall in the East’s pecking order this season and make long-term plans from there.
Philadelphia 76ers
The Sixers came into the summer with a ton of cap space and all of two guys signed when the league year began (Joel Embiid and Paul Reed). With all that space, Philly had to get a third star between Embiid and Tyrese Maxey (who will sign his max extension as soon as the Sixers fill out the rest of the roster) and did just that by landing the biggest free agent on the market in Paul George. On paper, it looks like a tremendous fit, but as we’ve seen plenty of times it’s never quite as simple as it seems to make three stars work together. Still, if they didn’t land George things could’ve gotten dicey quickly, with a fairly shallow group of free agent wings and not many clear fits on the trade market. Getting George was their best path to being a contender, and while there’s still work to do to fill out their depth, they’ve got a solid start there with the return of Kelly Oubre Jr. (who was sneaky good last year) and the signings of Andre Drummond and Eric Gordon.
I’m not sold on the Sixers being the clear-cut No. 2 team in the East by simply landing George, but they are in the conversation, the alternatives were much worse, and I like to reward those that execute on Plan A.
Dallas Mavericks
The Mavs didn’t seem to have a lot of avenues to upgrade their roster this summer, but managed to bring in two impact rotation players for the price of 1.5, which is solid maneuvering for a team that’s obviously in the title contender realm. Dallas pivoted off of their plan to run it back and re-sign Derrick Jones Jr. into the mid-level, and instead brought in Naji Marshall from New Orleans as his replacement before making a splash with Klay Thompson’s arrival in a sign-and-trade. The Finals showed Dallas that they needed to upgrade their playoff rotation to compete with the absolute best, and I think they’ve done that to a degree.
Marshall is a different kind of wing than Jones Jr., and they will lose some defensive versatility in the move, as Jones was extremely valuable in his ability to defend opposing guards. However, they’ll get more out of Marshall as a rebounder and he’s a more stout defender at the forward spot, and if his three-point shooting leap last year (38.7 percent) is real, he’ll provide some more spacing as well as being a good connective player. We’ll have to see if that is a real upgrade, but Thompson, even at this point in his career, should be a fairly clear step forward from Tim Hardaway Jr. and Josh Green. You lose a touch of regular season depth (which, they could still add another player in the rest of the mid-level), but you gain someone you can trust to hit shots in the playoffs.
That’s something the Mavs were desperately lacking in the Finals, and we saw how incredible they could be when they had that because PJ Washington shot out of his mind for the first two series. Thompson is not the two-way monster he once was and isn’t even the shooter he was at his peak, but even in this current form, he’ll be the best floor spacer around Kyrie Irving and Luka Doncic that the Mavs have had. That’s meaningful, and while it is far from a guarantee they’ll be back in the Finals, it was a good summer by Dallas to recognize needs even in a Finals run and try to address them.
Boston Celtics
Speaking of the Finals participants from this year, Boston won a title and proceeded to re-sign everyone. Derrick White and Jayson Tatum got big extensions, Luke Kornet re-signed for another year, and Xavier Tillman is coming back for two more as well. When you were as dominant as Boston was this past year, you don’t need any splash outside signings, but you do need to keep as much continuity as you can. As we have seen this summer, keeping a contender together is harder to do than ever before, and as the Nuggets showed a year ago, losing even a sixth-man is enough to put a serious crack in your championship foundation. The Celtics will avoid that fate for at least one more year, and are the deserving favorites to go back-to-back as a result.
San Antonio Spurs
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The Spurs may not be done dealing, but I want to note that they had one very clear need, even understanding their desire to build slowly, and they went out and addressed it. Anyone that watched the Spurs last year was driven insane by the team’s guard play and their inability to get Victor Wembanyama the ball when he got great positioning or had a lob opportunity (which is, like, always when you are 7’5). There is no one in the world better at doing that exact thing than Chris Paul, and paying him $11 million to come throw Wemby passes for a year and teach him some of the finer points of basketball is a terrific move.
Cleveland Cavaliers
The Cavs got Donovan Mitchell to re-sign and at least prolonged their ability to stay in the conversation near the top of the East. That makes them a mild winner in my book, as they now at least have some time to figure out what their best combination of talent is and then can look to make a trade to consolidate — with Darius Garland or Jarrett Allen both figuring to fetch a strong return should they move either. The clock is still ticking, with Mitchell only locked in for two more years, but buying themselves a bit more time to figure things out and leaving themselves in a position of power from a negotiating standpoint on any of their guys was vital.
LOSERS
Denver Nuggets
For the second straight summer, the Nuggets saw a key player walk for nothing. After Bruce Brown got paid by Indiana a year ago (with Denver literally not being allowed to match), Kentavious Caldwell-Pope took 3-year, $66 million deal in Orlando. The difference this year is the Nuggets could have tried matching that offer to keep KCP, but weren’t willing to dip into the second apron to do so. As such, the plan is to make Christian Braun the starter and continue hoping for some internal development from their youngsters. When you have the best player in the league on your roster, and thus a legitimate shot at a title every year because of it, taking a step back for financial purposes is never going to sit well with folks. There are reasonable arguments to be made for ducking the second apron because of what it does to your ability to make moves, but it’s a hard sell to fans when you willingly take a step back out of fear of a potential step back later. Beyond that, Denver’s missed out on some of the top veteran minimum free agents so far, and options are getting low to bolster their rotation for next year.
Los Angeles Lakers
The Lakers have missed out on every single player they’ve been connected to so far in free agency and saw an important role player in Taurean Prince walk and take a vet minimum deal in Milwaukee. That’s not ideal, and for all the chatter about LeBron taking a smaller deal to bring in some real help on the mid-level, that never came to fruition and he’s back on a max deal. Perhaps they can find a sign-and-trade opportunity for someone, but without any exceptions to slide contracts into, they’ll have to send someone out to bring someone in. As much as I liked them landing Dalton Knecht in the Draft, it’s hard to see him as the upgrade needed to boost their standing in the West, and you’d have to be really optimistic to think they’ll be able to avoid another trip to the Play-In next year.
Chicago Bulls
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The Bulls seem headed for a reset, which I think is needed, but they’re running into a problem where they’re not bringing in great assets and are apparently being asked to send out picks to move off of their big trade piece. That’s not what you want when you’re trying to shift your timeline forward, and I don’t have a lot of confidence in this Bulls front office to pull this off. Trading Alex Caruso for Josh Giddey was…we’ll call it bold to be nice, but by declining offers that would’ve netted them draft picks, they are in a position where they absolutely cannot afford to attach anything to Zach LaVine.
With LaVine’s value as low as it could be, the rest of the league clearly believes Chicago is desperate enough to just get rid of him that they’re refusing to even take him on in relatively fair offers and would rather just duck the tax/apron instead. So now the Bulls are left hoping someone gets desperate after this upcoming round of trade market musical chairs and is willing to take him on for something more than a salary dump. That’s very much TBD, and it seems just as likely that LaVine starts the season on the Bulls in an attempt to recoup some value. That isn’t a catastrophe, it’s just a process issue to continually make a guy very available on the trade market and fail continually to move him.
From there, DeMar DeRozan is likely to leave in a sign-and-trade that figures to, at best, net them a trade exception and a second rounder. Again, not a disaster, but asset management by the Bulls front office continues to be dreadful as they get the absolute least out of just about everyone that leaves because they can’t make up their minds on what they’re doing. The Bulls aren’t operating with the stakes of a contender, so their struggles this summer aren’t impacting their ability to reach some goal for next season. Instead, they are just continuing to operate without a coherent plan, and that’s just as frustrating to their fans.
Sacramento Kings
The Kings are running out of options to make an upgrade to their roster, and after running it back last year and getting passed by a handful of teams in the West, it seems like a distinct possibility that happens again. I really liked the deal they negotiated to keep Malik Monk, but it needed to be the precursor to another move. Instead, they’ve been apparently close on Lauri Markkanen and Brandon Ingram (and again kicked the tires on Kyle Kuzma), but to this point haven’t landed either and it’s not clear if they’ll get the chance to do so. If they don’t, they’ll be bringing back the same roster that has shown they aren’t at the level needed to make noise in the West playoffs.
Miami Heat
A year after missing out on Damian Lillard, the Heat are back again trying to figure out how to proceed, and while they’ve been linked to star pursuits again, the efforts seem half-hearted this time around. So far they’ve brought back Thomas Bryant and Kevin Love and their big outside signing is Alec Burks, which isn’t exactly moving the needle. From there, it’s not clear if they’ll be willing to meet Caleb Martin’s asking price to keep him, and if he walks, the Heat are in some real trouble. Looming in the background of all of this is Jimmy Butler’s future with the organization, as extension talks have apparently gone nowhere and it seems he may just play out the last year of his deal and see what free agency has for him next summer.
Minnesota Timberwolves
The Wolves were never going to make big moves this summer, but I think they’ve gotten marginally worse. Swapping in PJ Dozier and Joe Ingles for Monte Morris and Kyle Anderson feels like a small step back. In the Western Conference, that’s always dangerous because the margins are so slim at the top that losing rotation pieces can make a real difference (ask the Nuggets). They do get a three-point shooting boost in Ingles, which is needed, but Anderson provided some real defensive versatility off the bench and their point guard depth behind Mike Conley was an issue last year and gets worse losing Morris. There is going to be considerable pressure on Rob Dillingham to come in and help out immediately as a rookie, and we’ll see if the young man is up to the task.
Los Angeles Clippers
Do you know what the Clippers are doing? Because I sure as hell don’t. Losing Paul George hurts, but they had a clear line in the sand on what they’d offer and weren’t willing to budge. I think people are understandably remembering George’s inconsistencies in terms of his playoff impact, but he has been really important to keeping their regular season baseline pretty high. With that gone, a lot more pressure is on Kawhi Leonard to be available and James Harden to be consistently really good.
They have added Derrick Jones Jr., Nic Batum, and Kris Dunn, who I think are all legitimately helpful players to have in your rotation. However, adding Mo Bamba doesn’t exactly move me, and they brought in Kevin Porter Jr. who missed all of last season after being charged with misdemeanor assault and has had issues in locker rooms in both Cleveland and Houston.
This team is pretty obviously not as good as they were a year ago when they…weren’t all that great, and I just can’t figure out what the overall plan here is beyond “duck the apron, but don’t be terrible for the first season in the new arena.”
After Ice Cube’s 3-on-3 basketball league, The BIG3, announced it was moving to a more traditional, city-based model in May with the $10 million sale of its first franchise in Los Angeles, the league has once again expanded to two new cities, Houston and Miami, according to Billboard. While the league started out with a touring model — sort of like the barnstorming Harlem Globetrotters — its proprietor said at the time, “Basing our teams in home cities allows BIG3 to engage local communities and fanbases. Bringing in ownership groups each with their own sports expertise, business, and capabilities beginning in 2025 will allow BIG3 to grow exponentially.”
The newest ownership consists of businessmen Eric Mullins and Milton Carroll, who will base their team in Houston, and hospitality executive Heath Freeman will put his team in Miami. It’s unknown what will happen with the existing teams, which consist of the Ghost Ballers, 3 Headed Monsters, 3’s Company, Aliens, Ball Hogs, Bivouac, Enemies, Killer 3s, Power, Tri-State, Trilogy, and Triplets, or whatever became of the cryptocurrency that allowed fans to purchase ownership in teams that was announced in 2022.
In March, Cube ruffled feathers in the basketball community by allegedly offering then-Iowa basketball star Caitlin Clark a $5 million deal to play in the upcoming BIG3 season, a move that some criticized as opportunistic. Still, it seems to have drawn the right kind of attention, too, with new owners lining up to take the league into its next phase.
Haliey Welch’s life has changed a lot in the last few weeks. For one thing, most people don’t know her as Haliey Welch — she’s the Hawk Tuah Girl, who reached peak viral fame for her X-rated suggestion on how to make a man go crazy in bed. She’s made tens of thousands in dollars in merchandise, partied with Shaq, and performed with Zach Bryan. But there is a downside to her newfound fame: she can’t dress like Adam Sandler anymore.
On Instagram, Welch revealed the “three awesome things” that have changed in her life since that fateful night in Nashville. “Number one, I got over my stage fright. I sang in front of 80,000 people with Zach Bryan the other night — and I cannot sing for sh*t. But I did it anyway,” she said. “Number two, I quit my job at the spring factory, so I don’t have to eat Taco Bell all the time but I’m still going to do it anyways.” (Need her thoughts on the Cantina Chicken menu.) As for number three, “I actually have to get ready more than one time out of the week now. I’m not allowed to look like Adam Sandler anymore.”
The world will be a better place when everyone, especially women who have long been held to impossible beauty and fashion standards, can show up to fancy red carpet premieres wearing oversized shirts and gym shorts.
Welch also discussed whether she would start an OnlyFans. “Stop asking me about the link in bio for my OnlyFans. I don’t have an OnlyFans and there’ll never be an OnlyFans,” she said in the Instagram video. “I just make funny jokes, that’s all I do.” She might not dress like Adam Sandler anymore, but that is something he would say. Maybe she can be in Happy Gilmore 2?
Studies show that having daughters makes men more sympathetic to women’s issues.
And while it would be nice if men did not need a genetic investment in a female person in order to gain this perspective, lately I’ve had sympathy for those newly woke dads.
My two sons have caused something similar to happen to me. I’ve begun to glimpse the world through the eyes of a young male. And among the things I’m finding here in boyland are the same obnoxious gender norms that rankled when I was a girl.
Of course, one notices norms the most when they don’t fit. If my tween sons were happily boy-ing away at boy things, neither they nor I would notice that they were hemmed in.
But oh boy, are they not doing that.
In fact, if I showed you a list of my sons’ collective interests and you had to guess their gender, you’d waver a bit, but then choose girl.
Baking, reading, drawing, holidays, films, volleyball, cute mammals, video games, babies and toddlers, reading, travel, writing letters.
I imagine many of you are thinking at this point: That’s awesome that your boys are interested in those things!
There’s more. One loves comics and graphic novels but gravitates to stories with strong female protagonists, like Ms. Marvel and The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl.
Cool! I love it.
And sports. They are thoroughly bored by team sports. They don’t play them. They won’t watch them. They will up- or down-arrow through any number of sporting events on TV to get to a dance contest or to watch competitive baking.
So? Nothing wrong with that.
Those are the kinds of things all my progressive friends say.
But it’s often not the message my sons themselves hear from the other adults in their lives, their classmates, and the media.
For example, the first get-to-know-you question they are inevitably asked by well-meaning grown-ups is, “So, do you play sports?” When they say, “No, not really,” the adult usually continues brightly, “Oh, so what do you like to do, then?”
No one explicitly says it’s bad for a boy not to play sports. But when it’s always the first question asked, the implication is clear: playing sports is normal; therefore, not playing them is not.
The truth is that one of them does play a sport. He figure skates, as does my daughter. When people find out that she skates, they beam at her, as if she suddenly has possession of a few rays of Olympic glory. In the days before my son stopped telling people that he ice skates, most of them hesitated and then said, “Oh, so you are planning to play hockey?”
But it’s not just what people say. It’s all those pesky, unwritten rules. When he was in second grade, my younger son liked the Nancy Drew and the Clue Crew series. But he refused to check any out of the school library. He explained: “Girls can read boy books, but boys can’t read girl books. Girls can wear boy colors or girl colors, but boys can only wear boy colors. Why is that, Mom?”
I didn’t have an answer.
An obvious starting point — and the one that we have the most control over — is to change the way we speak to the boys in our lives.
As Andrew Reiner suggests in a spot-on essay, we should engage boys in analytical, emotion-focused conversations, just like we do with girls. In “How to Talk to Little Girls,” Lisa Bloom offers alternatives to the appearance-focused comments so often directed at young girls: asking a girl what she’s reading or about current events or what she would like to see changed in the world. I could copy-paste Bloom’s list and slap a different title on it: “How to Ask Boys About Something Besides Sports.”
And with a few more built-in nudges, we might expand the narrow world of boyhood more quickly. Boy Scouts could offer badges for developing skills in child care, teamwork, and journaling. Girl-dominated activities like art, dance, gymnastics, and figure skating could be made more welcoming to boys, with increased outreach and retention efforts. My son could write his own essay about trying to fit in to the nearly all-girl world of figure skating, including the times he has had to change clothes in a toilet stall at skating events because there were no locker rooms available for boys.
I used to think that the concept of gender — of “girl things” and “boy things” — was what was holding us back.
Now I see it differently.
The interdependent yin and yang of gender is a fundamental part of who we are, individually and collectively. We need people who like to fix cars and people who like to fix dinner. We need people who are willing and able to fight if needed and people who are exquisitely tuned into a baby’s needs. But for millennia, we have forced these traits to align with biological sex, causing countless individuals to be dissatisfied and diminished. For the most part, we’ve recognized this with girls. But we have a long way to go when it comes to boys. As Gloria Steinem observed, “We’ve begun to raise daughters more like sons … but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.”
I acknowledge that young boys feeling pressured to be sports fans is not our country’s biggest problem related to gender.
Transgender individuals still confront discrimination and violence. The #MeToo movement has revealed to anyone who didn’t already know it that girls and women can’t go about their everyday lives without bumping into male sexual aggression.
But if our culture shifts to wholeheartedly embrace the whole spectrum of unboyishness, it may play some small role in addressing these other issues, too. Male culture will be redefined, enriched, and expanded, diluting the toxic masculinity that is at the root of most of our gender-related problems.
Boys and girls alike will be able to decide if they would rather be made up of snips and snails, sugar and spice, or a customized mix. And my future grandsons, unlike my sons, won’t think twice about wearing pink or reading about a girl detective at school.
This story originally appeared on Motherwell and is reprinted here with permission.
Simone Biles withdrawing from the team final in the Tokyo Olympics and subsequently withdrawing from the individual all-around finals after getting a case of the “twisties” has the world talking. She’s received overwhelming support as well as overwhelming criticism for the move, with some praising her for recognizing her limits and others blasting her for not persevering through whatever she’s dealing with.
Some people pointed to Kerri Strug, who landed on one foot after vaulting with a broken ankle in the 1996 Olympics to help the U.S. win gold, as an example of the kind of sacrifice an athlete should be willing to make for their country.
Byron Heath shared some thoughts about that fateful day in a viral Facebook post that has been shared more than 370,000 times in less than a day.
Heath wrote:
“This realization I had about Simone Biles is gonna make some people mad, but oh well.
Yesterday I was excited to show my daughters Kerri Strug’s famous one-leg vault. It was a defining Olympic moment that I watched live as a kid, and my girls watched raptly as Strug fell, and then limped back to leap again.
But for some reason I wasn’t as inspired watching it this time. In fact, I felt a little sick. Maybe being a father and teacher has made me soft, but all I could see was how Kerri Strug looked at her coach, Bela Karolyi, with pleading, terrified eyes, while he shouted back ‘You can do it!’ over and over again.
My daughters didn’t cheer when Strug landed her second vault. Instead they frowned in concern as she collapsed in agony and frantic tears.
‘Why did she jump again if she was hurt?’ one of my girls asked. I made some inane reply about the heart of a champion or Olympic spirit, but in the back of my mind a thought was festering: *She shouldn’t have jumped again*
The more the thought echoed, the stronger my realization became. Coach Karolyi should have gotten his visibly injured athlete medical help immediately! Now that I have two young daughters in gymnastics, I expect their safety to be the coach’s number one priority. Instead, Bela Karolyi told Strug to vault again. And he got what he wanted; a gold medal that was more important to him than his athlete’s health. I’m sure people will say ‘Kerri Strug was a competitor–she WANTED to push through the injury.’ That’s probably true. But since the last Olympics we’ve also learned these athletes were put into positions where they could be systematically abused both emotionally and physically, all while being inundated with ‘win at all costs’ messaging. A teenager under those conditions should have been protected, and told ‘No medal is worth the risk of permanent injury.’ In fact, we now know that Strug’s vault wasn’t even necessary to clinch the gold; the U.S. already had an insurmountable lead.
Nevertheless, Bela Karolyi told her to vault again according to his own recounting of their conversation:
‘I can’t feel my leg,’ Strug told Karolyi.
‘We got to go one more time,’ Karolyi said. ‘Shake it out.’
‘Do I have to do this again?’ Strug asked. ‘Can you, can you?’ Karolyi wanted to know.
‘I don’t know yet,’ said Strug. ‘I will do it. I will, I will.’
The injury forced Strug’s retirement at 18 years old. Dominique Moceanu, a generational talent, also retired from injuries shortly after. They were top gymnasts literally pushed to the breaking point, and then put out to pasture. Coach Karolyi and Larry Nassar (the serial sexual abuser) continued their long careers, while the athletes were treated as a disposable resource.
Today Simone Biles–the greatest gymnast of all time–chose to step back from the competition, citing concerns for mental and physical health. I’ve already seen comments and posts about how Biles ‘failed her country’, ‘quit on us’, or ‘can’t be the greatest if she can’t handle the pressure.’ Those statements are no different than Coach Karolyi telling an injured teen with wide, frightened eyes: ‘We got to go one more time. Shake it out.’
The subtext here is: ‘Our gold medal is more important than your well-being.’
Our athletes shouldn’t have to destroy themselves to meet our standards. If giving empathetic, authentic support to our Olympians means we’ll earn less gold medals, I’m happy to make that trade.
Here’s the message I hope we can send to Simone Biles: You are an outstanding athlete, a true role model, and a powerful woman. Nothing will change that. Please don’t sacrifice your emotional or physical well-being for our entertainment or national pride. We are proud of you for being brave enough to compete, and proud of you for having the wisdom to know when to step back. Your choice makes you an even better example to our daughters than you were before. WE’RE STILL ROOTING FOR YOU!”
Many people shared Heath’s sentiment, with comments pouring in thanking him for putting words to what they were feeling.
We’re in a new era where our lens of what’s admirable, what’s strong, and what’s right has shifted. We understand more about the lifelong impact of too many concussions. We have trainers and medics checking on football players after big hits. We are finding a better balance between competitiveness and well-being. We are acknowledging the importance of mental health and physical health.
We are also more aware of how both physical and mental trauma impacts young bodies. Though Kerri Strug pushing through the pain has long been seen as an iconic moment in sports, the adults in the room should have been protecting her, not pushing her through an obvious injury.
And the way this fall of Dominique Moceanu at age 14 was handled is downright shocking by today’s standards. She said she never received an exam for it, even after the competition was over. So wrong.
u201cIn our sport, we essentially dive into a pool w/ no water. When you lose your ability to find the groundu2014which appears to be part of @Simone_Biles decisionu2014-the consequences can be catastrophic. She made the right decision for the team & herself. @bispingu201d
Athletes are not cogs in a wheel, and the desire to win a competition should not trump someone’s well-being. Elite gymnasts already put themselves through grueling physical and mental feats; they wouldn’t be at the top of their sport if they didn’t. But there are limits, and too often in our yearning for a gold medal—or even for a triumphant Olympic story—we push athletes too far.
Now we see some of them pushing back, and knowing what we know now, that’s 100% a good thing.
Anyone who has parented a spirited “threenager” knows how hard handling toddler tantrums can be. Parents often joke about our wee ones throwing down, because laughter is sometimes the only way to cope. But in reality, it can be extremely disturbing and distressing for the entire household when a family member carries on in a way that feels—or truly is—out of control.
Major tantrums can be especially hard for parents who didn’t have good parenting examples themselves. It takes superhuman patience to be the parents we want to be some days, and none of us does it perfectly all the time. When a child is screaming and crying over something irrational and nothing seems to be working to get them to stop, exhausted parents can lose their cool and respond in ways they normally wouldn’t.
That’s one reason a TikTok video of a father and son captured in the aftermath of an epic toddler tantrum has caught people’s attention. Many of us have been in the dad’s shoes before, frazzled and shaken by the relentlessness and intensity of a 3-year-old’s meltdown. And many of us have been in the son’s shoes as well, witnessing a younger sibling’s insanity and our parents’ struggle to manage the situation.
But the way this father and son support one another is bringing people to tears with its beautiful example of emotional regulation, empathy and connection.
TikTok user @mollymikos shared the video, explaining that their 3-year-old had just thrown a 2 1/2-hour tantrum (which she clarified was actually two tantrums with a 10-minute break in between). “We did not have Unicorn Chopsticks and would not go to the store (where they don’t sell unicorn chopsticks….),” she explained when someone asked what the fit was over. Sounds about right. The tyrannical threes are no joke.
So much to love in this video. First, the 6-year-old, whom Mikos describes as “empathetic” and “a deeply feeling kid,” demonstrated impressive self-regulation skills. The way he started taking deep breaths and suggested that he and Dad do some deep breathing together was inspiring. Second, the dad apologized for losing it and explained that they were trying to set a better example as parents, which many parents are far too proud to do. Finally, the kiddo displayed such deep understanding and compassion, it was clear these parents have worked hard to create healthy emotional connections and open communication in their family.
Mikos tells Upworthy that she and her husband have been working hard to break the stress cycles that so often get passed down from generation to generation.
“I didn’t realize how much would be brought up by having children,” she says. “We are working on repairing and changing the way we interact with our children so that they feel supported instead of shamed.”
Mikos says social media has given this generation of parents access to experts, studies and revelations that can help them navigate raising kids with gentle parenting principles. She personally finds inspiration on Instagram from Dr. Becky Kennedy, Janet Lansbury,Conscious Mommy and Eli Harwood. “They’ve changed my life,” she says.
People are loving the example Mikos and her husband are setting with—and for—their kids.
“This just goes to show how much of a great job your doing!!!” wrote one commenter. “Toddlers are hard and the fact your 6yo was able to empathize and communicate shows it.”
“This is why you’re good parents,” shared another. “Your older child can regulate his emotions and is empathetic. That’s amazing at any age and you did that.”
“Not me sobbing at 2 am bc this is the healthiest parent-child relationship ever,” wrote another. “Keep it up 😭😭💕 yall are doing awesome.”
Mikos has been heartened by all the comments on her video. The fact that her husband apologized to their son for losing his patience was particularly moving for a lot of commenters, especially those who had parents who never did that. “Many people have said that they didn’t realize parents could apologize to their children,” she says. “Yes. Please apologize. They need to know we make mistakes, and that we still love them and are constantly trying to do better.”
Apologizing to our kids when we’re in the wrong or when we behave in a way we’re not proud of demonstrates respect and teaches accountability by example. The fact that this dad is comfortable apologizing is likely a big reason why his son has the emotional tools that he does.
Gentle, compassionate parenting may not instantaneously end a tantrum, but it does pay off with big emotional and relational wins in the long run.
Stephanie Walsh isn’t your average hip-hop dancer. At 75, “Ms. Stephanie” is still able to hold her own on the dance floor, popping and locking with people a third her age, and she loves it.
When you see her dance—and her enviable muscle tone—you might think she’d been a trained dancer all her life. But she actually didn’t take any formal dance lessons until she was almost 30.
Walsh told Growing Bolder that she had wanted her daughter to dance when she was little, so she got her ballet lessons, which the daughter hated. Realizing that dancing was her dream and not her daughter’s, Walsh took her kiddo out of ballet and started classes herself right away.
She had always loved to dance and developing her skills only led to more and more dancing.
These days, Ms. Stephanie gets her dance moves on at Fusion Fitness, where she encourages people to “dance like EVERYONE is watching.” One video of her dancing at Fusion has gone viral multiple times, and it’s easy to see why. Check this out:
Reposting this video of Ms.Stephanie & I since it going viral again. This video will always be a vibe. One thing Ms.Stephanie and I created was magic. We dance from our hearts. My classes are always about creating a Fierce vibe for everyone to show up and show out! . #fiercefitness #dancefit #fiercefitnessty #hiphopfitness #fyp #viral
“Reposting this video of Ms.Stephanie & I since it going viral again,” shared @fiercefitnessty on TikTok. “This video will always be a vibe. One thing Ms.Stephanie and I created was magic. We dance from our hearts. My classes are always about creating a Fierce vibe for everyone to show up and show out!”
It’s not just the dancing. It’s the intensity. It’s the full presence in the moment in her face and in her movements. She’s there for it, and she brings everybody with her.
“It’s the “I’m a badass” facial expression for me! ” wrote one commenter on Facebook.
“I dislocated my shoulder just watching that ” shared another.
“She can throw it back like the rest of them. You go girl!” shared another.
Walsh shared that dancing has helped her get through many difficult periods in her life. Watch her share her story:
Love it when people prove that age truly is just a number.
The studio set up a fan page for Ms. Stephanie on Instagram, where you can see more of her joyful dancing here.
This article originally appeared on 10.20.23
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