Year: 2024

Stephen King’s prolific run as a horror maestro includes regular commentary on what scares him onscreen. Lately, that has included Late Night With The Devil and Baby Reindeer (for very different reasons), but of course, adaptations of his own work will continue until humanity no longer exists, and there has been no shortage of attempts to properly adapt The Dark Tower book series.

As King’s “Constant Readers” already know, a disappointing 2017 effort (directed by Nikolaj Arce) starred Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey. In 2020, a TV pilot also apparently did not work out when Amazon decided “nope” on agreeing to a series order. However, the project would be in good hands next time around, which will be no small feat, given the polarizing nature of King’s eight-novel (and a novella) saga even among his own readers.

The one and only Mike Flanagan happens to have recently wrapped up his time with Netflix for an Amazon TV deal. His legion of devotees is perhaps, despite the differing mediums of literature and TV, the closest contemporary counterpart to King’s own fanbase. Flanagan has already brought Gerald’s Game and (The Shining sequel) Doctor Sleep to audiences, so let’s mull over what we can expect from another meeting of their minds.

Plot

The history of The Dark Tower novel series happens to be as winding and troubled of a saga as efforts to give the fantasy/Western/sci-fi/horror epic saga a proper treatment. Stephen King did, after all, detail (in his On Writing memoir) how his completion of the series was interrupted (and, in a way, spurred on) by a horrendous collision with a car while he had been cycling. So perhaps a successful journey to the screen was meant to be peppered with bumps in the road, too.

Would Amazon take another swing at this saga? There has been zero confirmation on that front thus far, but Flanagan favorite Carla Gugino has admitted, “There has been a conversation about The Dark Tower,” and prior to Flanagan’s deal with the streamer coming together, he and Trevor Macy’s Intrepid Pictures did acquire rights to the book series. And earlier this year at Emerald City Comic Con, the ridiculously productive showrunner described a scene that he cannot wait to adapt:

“Very late in the story, there’s a scene that takes place in a forest where a character is being buried. And there’s a eulogy being given that made me cry the first time that I read it… [it] just kills me, and I can’t wait for that.”

Back in 2022, Flanagan even previewed his opening-shot vision with iconic words: “The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.” Clearly, it’s his long-running dream to give the post-apocalyptic gunslinger his proper due while he attempts to protect a tower (which is tied to multiple realities) from the antagonistic Man In Black (Walter Padick/Randall Flagg, who readers obviously also know from King’s The Stand).

With that said, Flanagan is currently working to finish another King adaptation, The Life Of Chuck movie, which could arrive in 2024. If The Dark Tower comes next, the showrunner has detailed how he already has “a pilot script I’m thrilled with and a very detailed outline for the first season and a broader outline for the subsequent seasons.” Beyond that, he would prefer five TV seasons and a few movies to give life to the full saga. Again, he cannot stop thinking about that opening quote:

“That first shot which comes right off at the first incredible sentence of the first book, The Gunslinger, I’ve had that image just rattling around in my head since I was an undergrad. It’s going to have to get out of there eventually, I really need to get it out of my head.”

Is the cart ahead of the horse? Perhaps, but Flanagan recently insisted that The Dark Tower is what “I want to do the most.” He added, “I think it’s going to happen. I can’t say for certain, but we look good.” If there’s any hangup, however, that would be with what he acknowledges is Amazon’s possible “institutional PTSD” regarding the source material, but they are “very aware” of his aspirations in making the series. Let’s hope they allow him to fire away.

Cast

There shall be no appetite to see Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey reprise their performances as gunslinger Roland Deschain and the Man in Black, respectively speaking. Nor will Amazon be likely to want to revisit Sam Strike and Jasper Pääkkönen in those same roles after shelving that pilot.

Flanagan, does, however, have a rotating cast of frequent collaborators with whom he loves to work, was the case with Netflix’s Fall of the House of Usher, The Haunting of Hill House, and more. Those actors would presumably include Carla Gugino, Annabeth Gish, Rahul Kohli, Katie Parker, Samantha Sloyan, and/or Kate Siegel. Already, Flanagan favorite Henry Thomas has thrown his hat in the ring by declaring that he would “love to have a part in that.”

Psst. Hamish Linklater (of Midnight Mass) would make a fine Man in Black.

Release Date

If a prospective release window exists, nobody in the know is talking yet. Fingers are crossed, however, that Amazon will decide to roll the dice again now that they can take full advantage of their deal with Flanagan. Once the greenlight happens, it truly shouldn’t be long before he can whip out a first season because he stayed on a fairly consistent year-to-year release schedule between his various limited series on Netflix.

Trailer

We cannot conjure up a trailer out of thin air, but until that happens, here’s a refresher of what Flanagan did with Gerald’s Game. Man, I hope Carla Gugino took a vacation after this shoot.

The most popular genre of music right now isn’t rock or country or rap. It’s personal. I don’t mean “the answer to the question is personal, you are invading my privacy by asking.” I’m saying “personal” music is our current reigning “most popular” genre. People love “personal” music, and music critics love “personal” music even more. If you make “personal” music in 2024, you truly are in your oversharing prime.

But let’s get more specific. There are many subgenres of personal music. There is deeply personal music, which is like regular personal music except it’s 25 percent more intimate. There is achingly personal music, which provokes a physical reaction in the listener akin to the feeling you get in your lungs after running a 100-yard dash. There is radically personal music, which is made for academics who write thesis papers about the dialectics of Olivia Rodrigo’s Sour. There is searingly personal music, which typically involves swear words and/or at least one reference to a public sex act.

I could go on with more adverbs. But you might have already noticed the central flaw in the “personal” genre. If all music is inherently personal — even music with no personality, which is the mark of a personality-free artist, a culturally dominant archetype at the moment — what exactly defines “personal” music? What we really mean is that the song in question has an element of straightforward autobiography that the listener can easily infer from even a cursory reading of the lyrics.

I will give you an obvious example: Songs about romantic relationships gone awry are the bread and butter of the “personal” music genre. Breakup songs are to personal music what nonlinear storytelling is to a Christopher Nolan film. “Personal” music would simply cease to exist without them. This is doubly true if the subject of the song has a level of fame commiserate with the songwriter. In that scenario, the power of “personal” music is fully maximized. This genre is so popular now because it fuses music (which is medium-popular) with reality television (very popular) and the gossipy mindlessness that dominates social media (stupidly popular). Therefore, listening to a “personal” song replicates the feeling of “normal” media consumption in the modern age, i.e. multi-tasking many different forms of content via multiple screens. You are taking in the melody, the words, the lore, and the clout simultaneously, and with peak efficiency.

Historically, I have enjoyed a lot of personal music. A sensitive sad sack airing the dirty laundry of his or her love life while strumming a guitar has undeniable entertainment value. But right now, I’m sick and tired of personal music. We have been inundated with personal music in the 2020s. “Personal” is the MCU of the music business, and it feels like we have finally reached The Marvels stage.

We need an antidote. And that antidote is knowing less about the artists we like. The artists we like need to be strangers again. They need to have a little shame. They need to get out of our grills. They need to seem like fictional characters.

They need to be more like Jessica Pratt.

Pratt is a 37-year-old singer-songwriter from San Francisco who currently resides in Los Angeles. She has put out four critically acclaimed records since 2012, including the new Here In The Pitch, due Friday. In that time she has maintained a remarkably consistent musical aesthetic — quiet and vaguely doom-laden songs played on an acoustic guitar and sung in a ghostly purr that conjures cult-ish folk-pop torch songs from the 1960s and ’70s, like Marianne Faithfull’s version of “As Tears Go By” emanating from an AM radio in the midst of a zombie apocalypse.

“Timeless” is the adjective most often applied to Pratt’s music, but it’s not really accurate. Like all of Pratt’s records, Here In The Pitch is very much rooted in a specific era, which is the opposite of “timeless.” A better descriptor of her sound is “dated but in a good way.” (This retro quality is likely what attracted Troye Sivan to “Back, Baby,” which he sampled for his 2015 track “Can’t Go Back, Baby,” turning the Pratt song into her most streamed number.) For the new record, Pratt’s reference points are the melancholic pocket symphonies of the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds and the emotionally sophisticated and musically immaculate compositions of Burt Bacharach and Hal David, especially the hits they created with Dionne Warwick, Jackie DeShannon, and Dusty Springfield. On Pitch, understated orchestrations commingle with featherlight bossa-nova rhythms and Pratt’s own expressive croon, which hints at a well of emotion held in check by a stoic, enigmatic chilliness. It is the best album of 1966 released in 2024.

What’s actually timeless about Pratt is how she comports herself in public. She acts like a pop star from a pre-digital age, back when we knew very little about almost everything. I have been enjoying Pratt’s music for a dozen years, but it wasn’t until I was spinning Here In The Pitch on repeat that I realized I know next to nothing about her. Perusing her recent interviews, the most personal tidbit I learned is that she likes to eat dinner at the classic L.A. haunt Musso & Frank’s with her husband. Surveying the lyrics to Here In The Pitch reveals a similar dearth of insider dirt. Pratt was inspired by her fascination with the history of her adopted hometown. She read Tom O’Neill’s brilliant Charles Manson book Chaos and meditated on the devilish charisma of Kenneth Anger. The result is an album that emulates the “dark seediness lurking in the sunlight” noir feeling that has long beguiled Los Angeles obsessives. But it is hardly a literal L.A. record. Pratt invents vibes, not narratives. She is fond of murmuring lines like “I want to be a vestige of our senses free” that make no sense on the page and all the sense in the world when you’re marinating in this album’s very particular wavelength.

Knowing nothing about Pratt has not detracted from her music. It has enhanced it. Rather than drag me into her real-life world, she’s fabricated an imaginary one that I enjoy exploring. And that’s refreshing during an era in which publicists routinely put the gender identity or the present mental health status of their clients in the subject lines of PR emails. Who you are has become the sum total of what you produce. A song can only be good if the person who made it is noble and mindful and above all relatable. And that has led to a rather stultifying state of affairs. Though I don’t necessarily blame artists for that — it’s the fault of an uncreative media obsessed with celebrity and an insatiably nosy public that abhors mystery and ambiguity. It’s this collective audience that has conspired to make artists more boring.

It doesn’t have to be this way. There are other artists who buck the “personal” trend. Some, like Pratt, have constructed personas rooted in music styles from a “timeless” era (Lana Del Rey, Father John Misty) while others transitioned from “personal” music to elude an insane fanbase (Mitski). And then there’s Destroyer’s Dan Bejar, who has benefitted from never being famous to begin with. When I picture Jessica Pratt in my mind, she’s more like a character in a movie than a “relatable” flesh-and-blood person. I imagine her living a vampire’s existence at the Chelsea Hotel, floating from one heartbreaking misadventure to the other. And then I remember that I’m just recycling this mythology from the cover of Pratt’s 2019 album Quiet Signs. My impression of her derives solely from what she gives me on the records. And that, perhaps, is how it should be.

I Saw The TV Glow will be released in theaters on Friday, May 3, but Caroline Polachek already released her contribution to the A24-backed movie’s soundtrack. Polachek dropped “Starburned And Unkissed,” an immersive, transcendent song co-produced by Polachek and A.G. Cook.

Polachek promoted the song on Instagram with a video showing her blow-drying her hair — for effect because her hair is very much dry — while lip-syncing, “Hey, you Casanova / Hey, you supernova / Come home / The kettle’s whistling / My heart’s a ghost limb reaching / Starburned and unkissed.”

I Saw The TV Glow (Original Soundtrack) is 15 tracks, including Yeule’s “Anthems For A Seventeen-Year-Old Girl,” Drab Majesty’s “Photograph,” Sadurn’s “How Can I Get Out?,” King Woman’s “Bury,” and “Claw Machine” from Sloppy Jane featuring Phoebe Bridgers.

Alex G scored I Saw The TV Glow, which Jane Schoenbrun directed and wrote. Alex G and Schoenbrun previously collaborated on We’re All Going To The World’s Fair. Emma Stone and Dave McCary are credited producers.

According to Stereogum, the original soundtrack will be released next Friday, May 10, before I Saw The TV Glow (Original Motion Picture Score) releases on May 16 — both via A24 Music.

Listen to Polachek’s “Starburned And Unkissed” above, and watch the I Saw The TV Glow trailer below.

Sometimes the best new R&B can be hard to find, but there are plenty of great rhythm-and-blues tunes to get into if you have the time to sift through the hundreds of newly released songs every week. So that R&B heads can focus on listening to what they love in its true form, we’ll be offering a digest of the best new R&B songs that fans of the genre should hear every Friday.

Since the last update of this weekly R&B column, we’ve received plenty of music and news from the genre’s artists.

PARTYNEXTDOOR dropped his long awaited fourth album PARTYNEXTDOOR 4 along with a sinister “For Certain” visual, while Normani dropped her “1:59” single with Gunna and (finally) announced a release date for her debut album Dopamine. Halle Bailey opened up about the “severe, severe” postpartum depression she experienced after giving birth to her son Halo, while Janelle Monáe joined Halsey and Vince Staples as headliners for the 2024 Flow Festival Helsinki. Elsewhere, Chlöe announced her sophomore album Trouble In Paradise.

PARTYNEXTDOOR — PARTYNEXTDOOR 4

PARTYNEXTDOOR’s long-awaited fourth album PARTYNEXTDOOR 4 arrives four years after his third effort PARTYMOBILE. On the new release, PND uses its 14 tracks to tell a story about a threesome gone wrong as it shifts his focus from settling down with a special woman. It’s PND’s most cohesive project to date and arguably the R&B album of the year for 2024.

Sinéad Harnett — Boundaries

London singer Sinéad Harnett, now independent, is back to impress us once again with her elegant vocals on her third album Boundaries. A sprawling 16-track effort, Harnett described the project as “1 heck of a journey, 2 years of therapy” and “ups, downs, laughter, tears, fears, gratitude, learning to love, confusion,” and much more.

Yung Bleu — Jeremy

For his first full-length effort since 2023’s Love Scars II, Yung Bleu returns as Jeremy on his new album. Backed by 17 songs and features from Leon Thomas, Lil Wayne, John Legend, Jacquees, and others, Bleu delivers what he calls a “testimony album,” adding, “it made me feel great and alive again.”

Elmiene — “Sweetness”

With a North American tour nearly complete, British singer Elmiene returns with his new single “Sweetness.” The lovelorn record mourns the end of a relationship and reflects on what could’ve been as Elmiene prepares to move on.

PJ Morton — “Simunye (We Are One)” Feat. Soweto Spiritual Singers

PJ Morton is just weeks away from dropping his new album Cape Town to Cairo, and ahead of its release, he delivers the project’s second single “Simunye (We Are One).” “‘Simunye’ is a Zulu word that means ‘we are one’,” PJ said about the captivating record that features the Soweto Spiritual Singers choir, “One of the main things I’ve learned during my travels is that we’re all more connected than we are divided.”

ESTA — “Too Fast” Feat. Joyce Wrice & DUCKWRTH

Good news: Soulection producer ESTA is putting out an album this summer! Even better news: He released a new single, “Too Fast” with Joyce Wrice and DUCKWRTH. The new single is driven by Wrice who slides over bouncy drums and a funky bassline before DUCKWRTH arrives to show off his lyrical chops and two-step over the beat.

Jae Stephens — “Wet”

There’s a new era on the horizon for Dallas singer Jae Stephens, and her new single “Wet” is proof. Stephens takes control of her world on the futuristic song, as it showcases her confidence and ability to shine on various production styles. “Wet” arrives ahead of her upcoming EP out later this year.

Bairi — Fire Siren

It’s been a long time coming, but Bairi finally released her debut album. Fire Siren arrives from the singer as a sultry tale of self-discovery, where she overcomes darkness to find her purpose and self-worth. Its ten songs feature Nathi and Lilly Aviana for what proves to be a listen you won’t forget.

Ye Ali — Private Suite 5

If you’re a fan of Ye Ali, then you’re well aware of his Private Suite series. It dates back to 2019 and now has five installments thanks to Ali’s latest release. Ali delivered Private Suite 5 complete with ten songs and guest appearances from Dcmbr, Zae France, 11:11, Mizzy Lott, and Benstar.

Amanda Reifer — “Devastating (Album Interlude)”

Banana singer Amanda Reifer continues The Reifer Files with its third installment, “Devastating (Album Interlude).” The emotional track dives into the complexities of the heart by comparing it to the ever-changing qualities of water. The record follows the previously-released “In And Out” and “B*tch Like Me.”

Honey Bxby — 3 Words, 8 Letters (Deluxe)

Nearly a year after the original project was released, Honey Bxby flashes her chaotic spirit once again on a deluxe reissue of 3 Words, 8 Letters. The deluxe edition adds six new songs to the original project, including a pair of guest appearances from Kaliii and Busta Rhymes.

We are inching ever closer to finally having a college football video game back in our lives, as EA Sports College Football 25 is expected to release this summer, ending a decade-long stretch without the glory of virtual college football.

We’ll get full details on the release and an actual look at the game (beyond the little teaser they gave us a couple months back) at some point in May, and now that we are finally close to getting some real information, we decided it was time to revisit the things we, as avid fans of the original NCAA Football series, really hope to see in the new version. I personally haven’t been this excited for a video game launch in some time, but there is a bit of apprehension they’re going to try and reinvent the wheel.

Instead, I hope they take a fairly simple approach to the first version of the game that was so beloved, but update and expand it to be representative of modern college football.

Invest The Most In Dynasty Mode

I’ve said this before: I want to emphasize that the reason the game was so successful for so long was because people loved Dynasty mode. It was the best coaching/GM career mode of any sports game on the market and it’s because that was what the game was built around. That’s not the case with a lot of games anymore, but hopefully they realize the unique nature of college football in needing that. You can’t have a 10-plus year career in college football as a player (although, some recent guys have managed to go seven with the COVID year/injuries), and as such the player modes, while fun, aren’t able to go as deep. Beyond that, coaches are as big of stars as the players in college football, and everyone loves to play out the fantasy of running their own program, recruiting players, and developing a team into a contender.

There are other modes we hope to see in the game (we’ll get to one in particular momentarily), but what we’re going to invest our time and energy into most is Dynasty mode. As such, I hope they put the majority of their time and energy into building a great version of it for the modern era. In the old game, there was a great rhythm you could strike between recruiting during the week and then playing the games on Saturday, and I’m excited to see how they handle the transfer portal and the new free agency aspect that’s brought to the sport.

Given how basic the recruiting process used to be, I’m curious to see how much they expand it. There are a number of ways they could update and freshen up the old recruiting process — for example, adding NIL promises and dealing with an NIL budget. The transfer portal is also guaranteed to play a bigger role than it used to when it was just a brief stage of the offseason schedule. How involved all of that is remains to be seen, but I hope they really spent the time to get to understand those processes to provide the most entertaining version possible.

However, if they do really open things up and make some big additions, making it customizable in terms of how in the weeds you have to get will be important. The old game let you automate recruiting if you wanted to, and I hope they continue to allow you to toggle what will be your responsibility and what will the game will simulate. I’m not sure I have the time to put into the game I did from the ages of 10-22, but I also don’t want it to be quite as surface level as some other Franchise/GM modes. Put the effort into making Dynasty mode good and give the player the ability to customize it to their preferences, because some of us are bigger sickos than others.

Overall, I’m just excited to have a chance to turn Georgia State into a perennial national title contender and then do it all over again at UMass. If you give me that in a fun, immersive manner that doesn’t ask me to pay you more money (please god, don’t ruin Dynasty mode with microtransactions), then I will be a happy man.

Give Us A Chance To Play As Some Of The Great Players And Teams We Missed Out On Over The Last Decade

While building a team in Dynasty mode is the best part of the game, a lot of the appeal is being able to play as the best players in college football. For more than a decade, we weren’t able to do that, and I really hope they have a mode that helps remedy that. It’s not reasonable to ask them to replicate the NBA 2K MyEras mode, as it’s one thing to go back and add rosters for 30 teams across history, but it’s an entirely different thing with 130 teams. However, a mode that allows you to go back and play iconic moments from the past and include players from the decade that weren’t part of the game would be awesome.

A Heisman Moments mode seems like it’d make a ton of sense, with Heisman winners from the last decade being part of the game and picking their biggest game or iconic moment that led to them taking home the iconic trophy. That’d let us play with Marcus Mariota, Derrick Henry, Lamar Jackson, Baker Mayfield, Kyler Murray Joe Burrow, DeVonta Smith, Bryce Young, Caleb Williams, and Jayden Daniels, which is a great start to that list. If they could expand it further, recognizing they missed out on a decade of CFB players and looking at iconic games of the past 11 years that go beyond just the Heisman winners, that’d be even better.

There are so many great teams (any of the best Clemson squads or recent Georgia teams) and players (Christian McCaffrey was built for a video game) that we didn’t get a chance to play as that aren’t part of that Heisman list. It’d be hard to figure out where to draw the line, so for that reason I’d expect it to be a Heisman deal, if anything, but it would be fun to go back in time a little bit and get to take those players and teams for a spin.

Embrace College Football’s Unique Style Of Play

The game is going to run on the same engine as Madden “with tweaks,” which provides some pause for concern, as one of the great parts of the old game was it had a distinct feel to it. On top of that, Madden has been riddled with glitches and issues, which is honestly just part of trying to make a hyperrealistic simulation sports game and should be expected — the more realistic you make it, the more situations you add, and that brings in exponentially more combinations of things that can happen that break the game.

That said, if they really dig in and give us great, varied college football playbooks on both sides of the ball, I still think it has a chance to be really good even knowing there’s going to be some initial hiccups. Part of what makes college football so fun is how many different systems get run. The old games did a pretty good job of having unique playbooks for each team, but I feel like they could get even deeper, especially with the smaller schools. Offenses and defenses in college have evolved a lot over the last decade, and I hope they put the time in to really dig in on how each team plays and provide something unique for all of them.

TikTok’s future in the United States still hangs in the balance, but there is some positive TikTok-related news. (Unfortunately, it is not that Soulja Boy bought TikTok — not yet, at least.)

On Thursday morning, May 2, Universal Music Group and TikTok shared a joint press release confirming “a new multi-dimensional licensing agreement that will deliver significant industry-leading benefits for UMG’s global family of artists, songwriters, and labels and will return their music to TikTok’s billion-plus global community.”

All UMG artists’ catalogs were removed from TikTok on February 1 and remained absent from the platform, save for Taylor Swift ahead of the release of her The Tortured Poets Department album last month.

The joint agreement marks a new era of strategic collaboration between the two organizations, built on a shared commitment to help UMG’s artists and songwriters achieve their creative and commercial potential,” the press release outlines. “By harnessing TikTok’s best-in-class technology, marketing and promotional capabilities, UMG and TikTok will deliver improved remuneration for UMG’s songwriters and artists, new promotional and engagement opportunities for their recordings and songs and industry-leading protections with respect to generative AI.”

The press release additionally emphasizes a commitment to “new monetization opportunities utilizing TikTok’s growing e-commerce capabilities,” “artist-centric tools,” and “to protect human artistry.”

Kendrick Lamar really goes after Drake on “Euphoria,” with most of the bars leaving very little doubt about what exactly he means. There is one portion of the diss track that has raised some uncertain eyebrows, though: At one point, Lamar raps, “Am I battlin’ ghost or AI? N**** feelin’ like Joel Osteen / Funny, he was in a film called AI / And my sixth sense tellin’ me to off him.”

While Joel Osteen is a televangelist, the lyrics seem like they’re really more about similarly named actor Haley Joel Osment, which has left some listeners confused (and dropping Abbott Elementary references).

Meanwhile, Osment himself has subtly weighed in: As some have observed, Osment liked Lamar’s tweet sharing the song. Whether this is Osment taking Lamar’s side or simply giving a quiet nod to his unexpected role in the situation as a whole, who knows. But, we know that he’s at least aware of the fact that he got roped into the big hip-hop beef of the moment.

Perhaps relevant is the fact that in a 2017 interview with Uproxx, Osment said Flying Lotus’ “Massage Situation” was his most-played song at the time. Given that Flying Lotus and Lamar have a history of working together, perhaps Osment’s X (formerly Twitter) like really is a Lamar co-sign.

NBA Jam: I love it, you love it, and the people you send this article to love it. The game is beloved by basketball fans and gamers alike, as it puts an extremely fun twist on the hoops. Whether you played it at an arcade or on a home console, there’s a good chance you have a memory of playing the game with your friends and family.

We haven’t had a game in the NBA Jam cinematic universe since 2011, and obviously, a whole heck of a lot has happened in the world of basketball over that time. The case can be made that, with players being more athletic and better shooters than ever, there’s never been a better time for the game to come back. Unless someone is cooking up something we don’t know, that’s not going to happen, so instead, we decided to look through current NBA rosters and identify which duos would be the most fun if the game existed today.

Honorable Mention: Literally anyone and Victor Wembanyama, San Antonio Spurs

I think Victor Wembanyama was put on this earth to be a character in a video game who drives people insane. The Spurs need to find a co-star for him, but for now, we’ll slot Keldon Johnson or Devin Vassell in there and wish everyone who plays against Wemby the best of luck.

10. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Chet Holmgren, Oklahoma City Thunder

In, oh, nine months or so, this ranking is going to be way too low, as Holmgren is the sort of player who would dominate in NBA Jam due to his size (although I can imagine the game would give him a low strength rating), ability in the paint on both ends of the floor, and jumper. As he gets better, OKC will rise in this list, especially because Gilgeous-Alexander’s ability to get to whatever spot he wants and ability to jump passing lanes would be coveted in the game, even though he’s not the most likely dude to let it fly from three.

9. LeBron James and Anthony Davis, Los Angeles Lakers

The rim would get torn off on offense and no one would score at the rim on defense. The problems pop up if you can hit a few threes against them — neither James nor Davis are great shooters (although, LeBron did shoot a career-best 41 percent from deep this season), which can be a huge issue if the other team can get a few looks from deep that go in. Still, that LeBron to AD lob in NBA Jam would be a lot of fun.

8. Kyrie Irving and Luka Doncic, Dallas Mavericks

On offense, using these two would be a joy, as both dudes can make stuff happen with the ball in their hands and catch fire from the field — both essentially shoot fireballs out of their hands already when they see a few go in. Their problems, obviously, would come on the defensive end of the floor, as there would be less than no rim protection and opponents would love getting good shot after good shot from anywhere on the floor if they don’t turn the ball over.

7. Devin Booker and Kevin Durant, Phoenix Suns

Basically the exact same thing as the Dallas duo, only Durant can provide more rim protection. Also: More dunks. More dunks in NBA Jam gives them a leg up over the Dallas duo.

6. Jamal Murray and Nikola Jokic, Denver Nuggets

The top-6 duos are all really close, so the Nuggets get knocked a hair just because neither guy is a crazy athlete (faster guys would get behind them with regularity) and Jokic’s savant-level understanding of basketball goes out the window when you’re in an arcade game. Having said that, both of them can really shoot the ball, plus Jokic’s passing would still be an asset. How they’d hold up on the defensive end would be a question, but they sure will score.

5. Jayson Tatum and Kristaps Porzingis, Boston Celtics

After this past season, I think we can say with some confidence that Porzingis’ game would translate to NBA Jam incredibly well due to his shot blocking, shooting, and dunking. Tatum’s game would look great in NBA Jam, as well, as he’d bring some size and strength (along with the requisite shooting and dunking) to a position that isn’t especially big. Maybe you can poke the ball away from him a bit, but generally, Boston would be a nightmare to deal with.

4. Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson Jr., Memphis Grizzlies

We haven’t seen this duo get extended run in the NBA in a minute, but outside of the fact that neither guy is especially strong and would get shoved around a bit, this is a near-perfect pairing. In Morant, you get someone who is fast as hell and a nuclear athlete. In Jackson, you get someone who can protect the rim, shoot threes, and catch lobs. Again, the lack of strength would be a problem but you’d win a whole lot using the grizzlies.

3. Damian Lillard and Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks

This is a tricky one, because Dame would so clearly be a nightmare in NBA Jam with his shooting, athleticism, and speed. Him catching fire would happen every game, and if teams made the mistake of keying in on him, Giannis has the athletic gifts to absolutely kill teams with lobs. And Lillard’s defensive deficiencies wouldn’t be that big of a problem, because he has Antetokounmpo there to protect the rim. If Giannis was comfortable shooting, they’d be a clear No. 1, but they’d still be incredible.

2. Anthony Edwards and Karl-Anthony Towns, Minnesota Timberwolves

The Wolves get knocked from No. 1 because Ant is a good (but not elite) three-point shooter and KAT is on the slower side and not a super great rim protector. Having said that: Oh my goodness do I want to use Anthony Edwards in NBA Jam. I think you could make the case to put them No. 1 just off of “it would be so fun to use Anthony Edwards in NBA Jam,” as he would be able to dunk from anywhere and is stronger than everyone. Using Towns, the best shooting big man of all time, would also be a ton of fun.

1. Tyrese Maxey and Joel Embiid, Philadelphia 76ers

Maxey is the fastest person alive, shoots threes at a great clip, and can really pass the ball. Embiid can shoot and dunk and overpower everyone and block anything and everything near the rim. They’re one of the best duos in the league, and their skill-sets are basically perfect (and compliment one another perfectly) for NBA Jam at their respective positions.

Do you have five hours to kill? That’s how long it will take me to explain the plot of Kingdom Hearts to someone who hasn’t played the game before. I’ll need another two weeks to get through Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, Kingdom Hearts II, Kingdom Hearts Coded, and the rest of the series.

The lore of Kingdom Hearts, a deranged (complimentary) collaboration between Square Enix and Disney, is so complex and weird and tough to describe that I have no idea how it can be adapted into a movie. But one might be in the works: according to The DisInsider, Disney is “developing” a Kingdom Hearts movie for theaters, not streaming.

Kotaku has more:

This lines up with another report from film industry insider DanielRPK, who claimed a Kingdom Hearts adaptation was in the works at Disney on April 26. However, according to The DisInsider, nothing has been greenlit.

Hopefully Joel Osteen, I mean, Haley Joel Osment still voices Sora.

I understand Disney wanting to make a movie where characters from its different properties meet (Buzz Lightyear and Goofy, together at last!), because that’s what all pop culture is these days. But it’s hard to imagine the company’s ideal (a.k.a. most financially successful to a general audience) version of that involves bad guys in cloaks with names like Xemnas and Xigbar talking about the Heartless. So we’ll see if Kingdom Hearts: The Movie actually happens. If it does, one thing’s for sure: the score will rule.

(Via The DisInsider and Kotaku)

Doja Cat has long been one of the most vibrant personalities in music, so it’s about time she sat down for a Tonight Show chat with Jimmy Fallon, which she finally did on yesterday’s (May 1).

She was all over the show, too. She started with the interview, and the chat began with Doja talking about her origins in music, and even before that, her origins as part of a dance crew. They also discussed the upcoming European leg of Doja’s Scarlet tour, with Doja revealing it’s going to be based on hair and just “a very hairy show” overall.

From there, she discussed her first concert: an Earth, Wind & Fire show at about five years old, during which she was apparently even pulled on stage. Her next concert, a Beyoncé show, was less immersive, as they were up in the nosebleeds for that show. They two also looked back at Doja’s recent Coachella performance and even got Fallon in one of the hair-covered outfits from the show.

Later, Doja participated in a game of “Musical Impressions,” during which Doja was tasked with covering specific songs in specific musical styles. A highlight was transforming her own “Paint The Town Red” into a Broadway-style number.

She also gave a more traditional performance of “Acknowledge Me,” so check that out below and the other clips above.