New York private school is asking students to avoid calling parents ‘mom’ or ‘dad’

A private K through 12 school in the NoHo district of Manhattan has become the subject of controversy after handing out a 12-page “inclusive language guide” to its students and parents.

The sticking point for many is that it asks students and faculty to refrain from using gendered words like “mom,” “dad,” and “parents,” because they make “assumptions” about kids’ lives at home.

Instead, Grace Church School prefers faculty and students use terms like “grown-ups” or “folks.”

“Families are formed and structured in many ways. At Grace Church School, we use inclusive language that reflects this diversity. It’s important to refrain from making assumptions about who kids live with, who cares for them, whether they sleep in the same place every night, whether they see their parents, etc.,” the guide says.

The school would also prefer students and faculty refer to a babysitter or and nanny as a “caregiver” or “guardian.”

The school wants to move people away from using gendered language, so instead of calling groups of students as “boys and girls” or “ladies and gentlemen” they should be referred to as “people,” “folks,” “friends,” “readers,” or “mathematicians.”

The guide also suggests that people use the correct phrasing when asking about someone’s ethnicity. Instead of asking, “What are you? Where are you from?” the question should be, “What is your cultural/ethnic background? Where are your ancestors/is your family from?”

The guide has been the subject of media scrutiny, causing an uproar among readers of the New York Post. It has also provided fodder for “The Sean Hannity Show.”

The most popular comment on the New York Posts’ Facebook page about the story was from a school teacher and parent who found the guidelines excessive.

“Not that my child goes there, But screw that. I will always be my son’s mom and he will call me mom,” she wrote. “School doesn’t get to dictate what goes on in my family life, even if they think it is their right. With my students I make sure I know who is in their home so if I call or write a note home I am addressing who they live with. No need to disparage ‘mom and dad’ because other families are different. Just take the time to get to know their family makeup of your students and you will be fine.”

Many parents think that asking their children to refrain from using gendered terms such as “mom” or “dad” is a bit much.

Some believe that handing out a highly-detailed 12-page guide on language guidelines is a bit over-the-top, especially at a place that caters to young children. It’s understandable to believe that this obsessive language policing would create an uncomfortable learning environment.

However, does that discomfort outweigh the pain that some students feel when people make incorrect assumptions about their families or refer to them by the wrong pronouns?

Another teacher who commented on the New York Post article found the inclusive language guide helpful.

“As an nyc teacher, a large amount of my students are in foster care or live with other relatives. I have made the mistake of calling a foster parent ‘mother’ to a student,” she wrote. “The student defensively said ‘she not my mom.’ They were obviously so upset. Needless to say I felt awful.

“It takes some practice to not say ‘parent’, but ‘guardian’ instead. Guardian is a much better word. There’s no need to give further hurt to students who live in uncertain or conventional circumstances,” she added.

Those who favor this type of inclusivity would agree with the head of the school, George Davidson who addressed the controversy in a statement.

“The Inclusive Language Guide at issue in the press, which we shared with you this fall, comes from that place in our hearts and mission,” read a statement from George Davison, the head of school. “It is designed to help the adults in the community find words to affirm and unite.”

On a deeper level, the controversy over the language guide mirrors the current state of American society. It seems as though attempts to make the country more inclusive can sometimes have the reverse effect. In the end, what matters most is whether children at the school are learning and feel loved.

The Grace Church school ranks among the top in private Christian Schools in New York City, so there’s no question it’s doing right by its students, and that’s what matters most.