The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Of The 2022 Super Bowl Commercials

There are two things I need to be extremely clear about before I dive into a discussion about the slate of commercials from the 2022 Super Bowl. The first is that I am not taking into account the quality or worth of the product the commercials are advertising. That’s not what I’m doing here. I’m commenting strictly on the ads themselves, and whether I enjoyed them. Please do not yell at me.

The second thing is that I’m a big idiot. Huge idiot. I still think the funniest commercial I’ve ever seen was the one where the guy form tackled a shopping cart to prevent it from crashing into his car. So… that’s the kind of analysis we’re dealing with here. Again, please do not yell at me.

Below, please find my picks for the good, the bad, and the ugly from this year’s Super Bowl commercials. Any commercial I do not include either fell between “good” and “bad” or I just forgot about it. Again, I’m an idiot. I cannot stress that part enough.

THE GOOD

Yes, of course, Zendaya. Very good. Great. But I gasped a little when Andre 3000 showed up. And then I giggled when I saw this tweet.

I don’t ask for much, people. This’ll do.

Look, I’m on record as being a huge sucker for the classic “I’m retired”/“You’re the best there ever was” scene, so this was out of my hands. Having a baby do it just added to it. If they had thrown in a “we’re not so different” or two, I might have cried tears of joy. I’m okay with it.

You could have these two do anything and I’d probably enjoy it, up to and including them cracking wise while full-on soccer kicking me in the shins.

So many commercials are like “here’s to the heroes and hard workers who just want to put in a solid day in the field and then hit the open road and/or grab a beer with the boys” so it’s nice to have one that speaks to the lazy corner cutters out there. These are my people. I choose to believe the people making the ad procrastinated so badly that they finished editing it just as it was starting.

To me, this is canon now. AJ and Meadow survived and they still see each other and Meadow has figured out better ways/places to park. I hope she’s the head of the crime family now. I do not want them to make that show but I do enjoy imagining it.

Also, while we’re on the subject…

Has very little to do with anything but I thought you should know.

So many crypto ads this year. So, so many. And while I do not understand crypto well enough to have an opinion on it beyond “more like crapto,” I will say that this is an effective way to advertise it. Larry David throughout history is an excellent concept. This is a television show I would watch. Larry David with a time machine. Do it in the next season of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Jennifer Coolidge is the greatest. This is my full review of this commercial.

Two things worth noting here:

• It has always been my position that Guy Fieri thinks Flavortown is a real place, like with a fire department and sewage system and everything, so it was nice to see that brought to life
• Guy Fieri was wearing this exact outfit at the game

Here, look.

This is fascinating to me. As is the thing where Martha was up in the booth with the snobs and Guy was on the ground with the people. This sums up both of their vibes so well.

ME, BEFORE SEEING THIS COMMERCIAL: I bet I wouldn’t care if a robot dog ran out of battery.

ME, WATCHING THIS COMMERCIAL: [sobbing] Someone help him! He’s a good boy! Let me into the television! GOD! COME ON. PLUG HIM IN.

It’s fine.

Good for Lindsay.

THE BAD

I did not appreciate having Evanescence back in my head after many years of trying to jettison it from my memory. This will be a problem.

What are we doing here? You drink this carb-free libation and then the ground opens up underneath you in a diner and sucks you into some sort of subterranean party? No thank you. I’ll just eat my patty melt in peace.

While I understand the importance of health screenings and appreciate celebrities lending their appearances to getting the word out, I cannot in good faith support any commercial that makes me contemplate Mary J. Blige’s mortality.

I don’t know, man. There was a time when I would have loved this, the singing and dancing jungle animals and the rascal sloth making off with the fiery salty snacks. Maybe I’m getting old and jaded. But this one all felt… forced. Again, I don’t know. I have a feeling I’ve moved out of the Dorito target demo, though, so take that with about 2000mg of sodium.

Too many goats. No thank you.

This one hurts. I love Anna Kendrick. She should be in more commercials. Most of them, really. Get her and that little robot dog a whole campaign together. For anything. Popeyes, maybe. This, though… not so much. I’m glad the check cleared, though.

THE UGLY

Here’s the problem: imagine meeting this lady in real life and she just goes on and on and on about freaking Carvana all the time, in every conversation, over and over while you’re just trying to watch, like, Baby Yoda fly a spaceship. It would be maddening. I would never use Carvana just on principle.

I am willing to tolerate quite a bit of pandering. Most of this Super Bowl was people and corporations nudging us and asking us if we remembered and enjoyed the years between 1997-2005. Which is fine. But this was too much for me, for reasons I still am not able to articulate. Maybe it’s all the jokes being exactly the same as the movie. Maybe it’s two decades of Austin Powers references eating away at my soul. But I groaned audibly as it was developing and I don’t feel any better about it today. Less of this.

The lesson here, if I understand it, is that when you get older, you lose all value and worth to society and will be forgotten by everyone who loves you and left alone to fade away in sadness and your only outlet for human interaction and joy will be an imaginary world you escape to through goggles that block out the bleak hellscape the real world has become.

Cool. Great. Thanks for that.

Two problems here:

• It was boring and confusing and I did not like it
• I do not have the energy to understand it

Please do not try to get this cute. Just give the people a montage of idiots wiping out on an obstacle course and then flash the name of your business or product on the screen. It doesn’t matter if it has nothing to do with your pitch. People will appreciate it. I am trying to help.

Please make a note.