Comedian Nikki Glaser filled in as the final guest host on Jimmy Kimmel Live on Thursday night, and she clearly wasn’t going to waste an opportunity to burn almost every politician in Washington from both sides of the aisle. During her monologue, Glaser unveiled a little segment she called “Nikki’s Speed Roast” where she went to town on everyone from Donald Trump to Nancy Pelosi and all points in between. Not even Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were safe. By the time Glaser was done, she had hit over a dozen politicians, and here’s a taste of what she said about each of them:
Donald Trump: “What can you say about Donald Trump that he hasn’t already heard at this point? Oh I know, ‘yes, I’d love to have sex with you.’”
Joe Biden: “Joe Biden he’s so old – he had COVID 1.”
Mike Pence: “Mike Pence is so boring and white CBS just picked him up for three more seasons.”
Kamala Harris: “Listen, I know we’re having fun, but on a serious note I do want to say: Kamala Harris is still missing. And if you have any information on her whereabouts please contact her parents they miss her.”
Lindsey Graham: “He looks like the head of a group called Grandmothers Against Interracial Marriage.”
Nancy Pelosi: “Okay, it would be easy to make a joke about Nancy Pelosi’s looks, but I actually think the embalmers did a really good job so I’m not gonna go there.”
Mitch McConnell: “Good ‘ol scrotum neck.”
Pete Buttigieg: “What a trailblazer this guy is. He proves that just because you’re gay, does not mean you’re cool.”
Matt Gaetz: “Look at him. What a ladies man, right. No, I’m sorry, I mean what a child’s man.”
Bernie Sanders: “Bernie Sanders looks like the guy you sit next to on a southwest flight who eats hard boiled eggs out of a plastic bag.”
Rudy Giuliani: “Rudy Guiliani, 9/11 was your shining achievement, and now it’s your blood alcohol level.”
Ted Cruz: “Everything is bigger in Texas except your sad, soggy penis.”
And finally, Glaser went especially hard on Marjorie Taylor Greene: “Marjorie Taylor Greene is proof that the left and the right really can come together. I mean, just look at her eyes. I actually appreciate this woman, because now I know what it would look like if I had a daughter with Mickey Rourke.”
(Via The Wrap)