I don’t know. Maybe this happens to you, too…
You ever watch a movie a million times, maybe on streaming or maybe just on cable some stormy weekend morning, and you know everything that happens, even down to the exact dialogue in places, but there’s one scene in particular that burrows its way into your brain and makes a little home there? Like, even if you’re not thinking about it actively, it’s still just kind of humming there in the background, maybe while you’re driving or grocery shopping or watching another movie entirely.
For me, it’s a scene from Bad Boys, a movie that came out almost 30 years ago. You guys know Bad Boys. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence play Miami cops who try to take down drug dealers and protect a witness played by Tea Leoni? Will Smith and Martin Lawrence do a little character swap halfway through where Lawrence has to pretend to be Smith’s character to keep up a ruse? Smith’s character is named Mike Lowrey and everyone in the movie pronounces it “Mike Lahhhhhrey.” It’s great. It’ll probably be on TNT this Saturday. Check it out again if it’s been a while.
But that’s not the point. It’s kind of the point. But not really the point. The point is that there’s a scene about halfway through the movie where they meet with their captain, played by Joe Pantoliano, where this whole ruse is laid out, and I can’t stop thinking about it. Ever. Here, look…
A few things jump out right away here. Joey Pants is:
- Shooting baskets in the middle of the day
- In an unlit and apparently sweltering gym in Miami
- Smoking a cigar
- Throwing up some of the worst shots anyone has ever seen
It fascinates me. I have so many questions about it. All the time. And I’ll get to those. But first, look at Joey Pants work.
This is just really good work here. Some Grade A police-captaining. He does this stuff the whole movie, too. Just yelling and waving around a cigar and getting frustrated by his loose cannon hotshot detectives. The only little twist is that, instead of doing the thing where he shouts “YOU’RE OFF THE CASE” and demands their badges and guns, he makes them stay on the case. With their badges and guns. This is a groundbreaking development in cinema.
He also does this, which I’m not going to provide context for at all for two reasons:
- I don’t think it needs any
- I just really wanted to make this next screencap
I stand by it.
Same bullet points apply to this next one, too.
Hey, did you guys know Bad Boys was originally supposed to star Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey? Well, now you do! Good luck forgetting that fact!
Anyway, remember the thing I mentioned in the introduction about Joey Pants firing up the worst shots you’ve ever seen in your entire life all throughout this scene?
Well, look at excellence in cinema…
A few notes here:
- I get mad every time I watch this scene that we never get any backstory as to what possessed him to go into an empty sweatbox old gymnasium, change into workout clothes, light up a big stogie, and start launching free throws
- Like, does he do this a lot?
- Is this how he unwinds over lunch?
- Do the other cops talk about it and laugh?
I would, no joke, watch an entire spinoff television series about this character that focuses only on this. I’m very normal.
Hey, here’s another useful screencap.
I have said this exact line — or some slight modification of it — out loud maybe 5000 times in my life. I use it as shorthand with my friends whenever I screw something up. Like, let’s say I knock over a soda or drop something or fumble over my words in front of someone. “I was, like, getting them all in before you showed up.” It’s fun. It makes no sense to anyone who doesn’t understand the context, but for the people that do, it’s just a tremendous piece of business. And now that you understand the context, I recommend you try slipping it in, too.
Most people will look at you like you’ve lost your mind, but the people who get it… buddy, you just made a friend for life.
Oh hey, let’s also just explain the plot of the entire movie in two screencaps while we’re at it…
… and toss up another disastrous kind of push-hook shot that never had a chance of doing anything productive.
Reasonable arguments can be made that this is my favorite character in any movie ever made.
We close out this scene with a “Does it look like I care?” and a “Whatever it takes” after Smith and Lawrence give him a little pushback, which is also just a perfect bit of movie captaining, and another fun reversal from the chief who gets mad at the cops who play by their own rules but get results, which is all great. Just a classic Michael Bay scene here, all bluster and bravado and sweaty dudes working together to save the world and/or Miami. And it ends with Will Smith draining a jump shot to drive home how much cooler he is than his cranky boss. Which is fine. You are welcome to discuss that amongst yourselves.
I would like to close out by focusing on this, though…
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BASKETBALLS?
IS HE SHOOTING ONE AND THEN JUST LEAVING IT ON THE GROUND AND GETTING A NEW ONE?
ARE THESE DISPOSABLE BASKETBALLS?
AND SO ON
The thing I like here is that there’s no situation where this is not very funny. Because, like, in the world of the movie, please imagine walking in on your boss smoking a cigar and launching awful jump shots like this on a 1000-degree day in South Florida just surrounded by basketballs. And even in the real world, I’m having a great time picturing Michael Bay holding a megaphone up to his face and shouting “I NEED MORE BASKETBALLS. ALL OVER THE FLOOR. JEFF, FIND ME BASKETBALLS.” Poor Jeff.
Anyway, if you’re ever sitting around wondering what I’m up to, please know that there’s about a 60 to 70 percent chance I am thinking about this. It’s fine.