This week’s installment of The Golden Bachelor marks the return of all the glamorous, geriatric hotties Gerry Turner snubbed on his way to finding true love. The infamous “Tell-All” episode is a BachelorNation tradition that invites scorned lovers to air their grievances and gripes (with other contestants and with the bachelor/bachelorette they were courting) in front of a live audience. It can be controversial, emotionally charged, and sometimes, downright nasty. But, as with every other expectation that comes with this show, Mr. Turner and the women managed to subvert the norm.
Instead of tantrums, we got tears (lots of them), instead of brawls we got fart-filled bloopers, and instead of wallowing in heartbreak, we’re reminded of what this version of the reality franchise brings to the table: hope. There were no winners and losers, but there were some big reveals that feel worthy of a breakdown. Here are the biggest takeaways from The Golden Bachelor’s tell-all episode.
That Rose Ceremony Conclusion
The show left us clinging to the edge of a cliff all episode as they teased the devastating conclusion to Gerry’s stalled rose ceremony from last week. When we finally did return to that pivotal night, we learned that Theresa, not Faith, would be the woman joining Leslie as the final two women vying for Mr. Turner’s heart. Readers, we gasped. The connection between Faith and Gerry, especially during that hometown date, felt undeniable. He uttered the “L” word in front of her children. He rode her horse. He made promises to not break her heart. In comparison with that visit, Theresa’s hopes really felt doomed. He impressed her sisters, sure, but her daughter had a tough time buying into their romance and even Gerry seemed hesitant to issue any concrete declarations to the woman he had his first one-on-one date with. As fans, we felt as blindsided by Gerry’s decision as Faith seemed to be, but at least she got the opportunity for closure — and to watch Gerry weep like a baby on national TV again.
Squashed Beefs
There was no love lost between straight-shooting Kathy and Theresa, whose well-meaning narcissism irked the Texas retiree at every turn. A montage of those micro-aggressions played before host Jesse Palmer questioned Kathy on her relationship with Theresa now. It seems like those pickleball sidebars and cocktail tête-à-têtes are just water under the bridge, though Kathy has leaned into her signature “zip it” hand signal.
Susan’s Kardashian Connections
Though she never had an intense romantic connection with Gerry, Susan managed to win over the other women (and the fans) with her sense of humor, her carefree attitude, and her 7 a.m. chicken piccata. It’s no wonder then why she stole the spotlight during the tell-all, joking with Jesse Palmer about the sexual innuendos that embarrassed her kids and poking fun at herself during the blooper reel. But the best evidence that Susan was the real star of The Golden Bachelor came via a video message from her doppelganger: Kris Jenner. The momager counts herself as Susan’s number one fan, so really, who needs Gerry Turner when you’ve got that?
Ellen’s Heartbreak
Before we learned of Faith’s fate, pickleball enthusiast Ellen sat down for a one-on-one to re-live her exit from the Bachelor house. It was just as devastating the second time around, but what really brought the tears was the news that her best friend, Roberta, had passed before the show’s premiere. Roberta was the reason Ellen applied to be on the show and, by the time she was sent home, her friend was in a coma because of a stage four cancer diagnosis. As tragic as the situation sounds, the show managed to fly out Roberta’s daughter so that she and Ellen could honor her mom on TV.
Guacamole Sabotage
Most of the night was spent jokingly mulling over the biggest house mystery that never made it on air: The Case of Edith’s Gaseous Guacamole. Susan suffered the most, constantly breaking wind during intimate sit-downs with Gerry and to-camera confessionals. She blamed her indigestion on Edith’s concoction, but Edith threw the accusation right back, claiming it was Susan’s meatballs — which she’s been eating for 66 years with no problems, mind you — that led to the fart attacks. Who’s telling the truth? We’ll probably never know.
Fart Attacks
Speaking of flatulent flubs, plenty of The Golden Bachelor contestants were caught on camera belching and bottom-burping this season. Blame old age, those delicious mansion potlucks, or on-air nerves but the truth is, the funniest moment of the entire show — hell, this franchise’s entire run — featured Sandra, pausing her confessionals to bust out a lengthy one-cheek squeak while dead-eyeing the camera and then getting back to recapping the episode like nothing ever happened. If Sandra’s not the first Golden Bachelorette, we riot.